Comments on: Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

By: NonExist

NonExist — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:33:08 +0000

Very interesting blog.
And I agree with Evan’s premise.
The individual looks out for their own welfare and does not expect anyone else to.
Even though we have ideals like the golden rule, it is just that and not always or mostly the way the real world operates.
If people would remember this and get rid of expectations, then the pain would be less and things would work more easily.
However many of us are raised with our parents giving us this fairytale about love and marriage and never really explain that there are no guarantees in or of either.

I got married because of the influence my family had on me. Church, work ethic, marriage, and kids were my daily nourishment even though inside I did not feel it was right for me.

So I got the job and what I thought was a reasonable wife. She cheated because I focused on my career because she wanted to be financially provided for. Plus that is what I was taught growing up.
My only issue is had she told me directly I was working too much or that she wanted out I would have ended things immediately and not really have worried about it.

Mainly because it forced me to look at my real self and that was the one who felt that life was just a group of possibilities and there were no guarantees. All you can do is try to do no harm to others and watch your own back.

Do I enjoy sex? Yes.
Is it the only thing I want ? No.
Will I think less of a woman for being comfortable on the first date sharing it with me? No (been there and they left because I did not want kids eventually).

And I have learned that although I want committment, marriage, kids, and living together are not for me. And it would be nice to have some casual sex but the women who have been attracted to me for the last ten years have been looking for a husband and a family.

So that leaves me celibate and focusing on other things. I stopped worrying and even trying because I should not have to chase anyone. We should meet in the middle.

Be honest and be direct about what you want when you are sure.
And that is a simple rule for getting the most out of your relationships.
Because nobody is sure all the time and things change.
So maybe you leave or they leave, that is just life.

By: Jim

Jim — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:08:36 +0000

@Carlos # 265 Not all men want to marry, not all women want to marry. Nice of you to apply your rules to everyone else - very egalitarian. What Evan is saying (repeatedly), is that it's not someone else's job to look after your needs. It's no more a man's job to look after a date's requirements/needs/desires than it is for the woman to ensure the man's requirements are met. It's up to us as adults to look after our own needs: If I desire a woman who doesn't want children, do I assume because she doesn't mention it that she doesn't want them? If she say's "I don't know", that still doesn't mean she doesn't want them, and it's my duty to myself to be prepared to find out one day that she suddenly does want them, and be ready to act upon that information (or leave now rather than waste time with her on the chance she'll decide she wants them). It's not her job to protect my desires, it's my job to.

By: where to meet girl

where to meet girl — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:39:59 +0000

Interesting Blog.. hmmm.. You know i think men should tell to their dates earlier that they dont want them before anything(sex) happens.. And to the girls i think they should be more careful in finding a man because if they dont it may lead them to heartbreaks.

By: Carlos

Carlos — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 01:51:07 +0000

This is so full of crap! Pardon the expression! But you are just trying to find an excuse through this reasoning to give free rein to your lust and lack of self-control! Real men dont go out for sex only! Real men look for the right woman, and when they find it they marry her! Yes, Im one of the men who thinks like this; I dont consider myself an exception to the rule. Your self-proclaimed rule might be YOUR rule, but not mine! You tell your body what to do, not the other way around. Despite all that has been said, I did find you article interesting and thoughtful; you have some pretty good insights!
…just an average guy hoping to find that amazing one!
Cheers!

By: Sandy

Sandy — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:34:13 +0000

I’ve done Rori Raye’s work and found that continuing to circular date (date a handful of good men and NOT be anyone’s girlfriend until marriage is on the table) is the cure to the above. That way, whether I sleep with any one of them, or am even in love with any one of them, it’s not an issue because I don’t invest myself until the commitment I want is offered to me. And in the meantime, I learn lots about being with men (practice for being with the ONE), have lots of fun, and feel wonderful to have attention from these great men.

By: doug

doug — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 23:44:11 +0000

I totally agree with Peter. I love to chase women. In most cases I never even bother to go out with them.

Actually, I don’t mind if we don’t have sex. I almost feel that I’ve got what I was after when they came into my apartment. That’s enough. That means I’ve most likely won the hunt. At that point, the game is over for me.

By: Greg

Greg — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:20:47 +0000

@Adanna

You forgot one thing. Women and men are different. Women are more emotional in general and it has nothing to do with how society has socialized them. It’s not a myth. Women are more likely to return to abusive or terrible relationships than men are because they’re emotionally attached and no amount of logical reasoning can make them leave. So no its not a myth. I’ve seen it a million times and the stories on this website prove it.
Also your advice is terrible. No man is going to ever get serious with a woman who is dating several other men. Evan even has a post on here about the Myth of Circular dating. You can’t beat men at their own game. Maybe you should just look for someone who isn’t a player and who shows that he wants to be committed to you. But as Andy put it those types of men are usually ignored.

By: Andy

Andy — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 12:43:55 +0000

I found this really interesting, because this advice basically MIRRORS WHAT I’VE READ ON MALE DATING SITES. From the male perspective, I thought that most men attach too much meaning to a woman’s flirting, her actions, or expect her to want to go out with you because she tossed her hair at you. So I was fascinated to see this from the other side, that women think men don’t follow through. My first thought that follows from this is that maybe guys who are serious about a women are the guys that women ignore and don’t listen to. That’s why they’re reading the dating advice. I personally read Carlos Xuma, Real Social Dynamics, New Ross Jeffries, and The Social Man, along with The Pickup Podcast, which over the years has made me attractive to women. I get better responses now, being less serious when flirting because when (most) women flirt, they don’t mean they want to have sex immediately, it means they’re having fun and finding more out about you by watching your reaction. It’s playful.
I’d recommend women here listen to The New Man Postcast, which is excellent.

By: Adanna

Adanna — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 14:43:26 +0000

For a long time I’ve had this opinion of men and this is the first time I’m actually seeing it online. Its seems to me that when it comes to relationships men see things as ‘transient’. Its true – they don’t know what they want. Instead of women getting themselves all disappointed and worked up here they need to ensure that they can have their cake and eat it too. Firstly stop beleiveing in the myth that women are more emtional and ‘get attached’ easier. If you do it will become the reality. I can tell you from personal experience. I think that women are socialised this way because it is more socially acceptable for a woman to express emotions more than a man and its sort of a social priviledge that women tend to take advantage of. Men have emotions too and carry baggage as well. Just as how some here will say ‘see thats why some women are cold and bitter’ the same applies with men. Take their experiences as a teen for instance. Men will not tell you the number of times they asked a girl out and she never showed up. Or how she brought along her friend – who doesn’t like him – and felt pressured to pay for both of them. In my opinion a woman who is ‘actively dating’ – meaning that she has no extra activities to compete with a social life and is agressively looking for guys should NOT date one guy at a time. You should be dating 3 guys at a time at least! A PAIR AND A SPARE! This is where women set themselves up to fail. You waste time with one guy and it doesn’t work out. If you date more than one guy you give yourself options so if one doesn’t work out you have two in reserve. What this does for you as a woman is help you to understand faster what you want in a guy so you don’t just settle. Secondly dating 2 extra guys makes you less attached to one guy. You cant equally feel 3 men emotionally at a time. It helps you to be more clear headed and not let emotions get the best of you. So what if he stops calling or changes his mind? You won’t really feel it because you’re too preoccupied with the other two. When he leaves you find another one to fill his place – that is if the two you are seeing don’t really rock your boat that much. Another benefit of this is that you don’t make yourself too available. You may be able to give each of them 1 day in the week to hang out. That way he dosn’t feel smothered and you can continue with other aspects of your life that build you as a person. Talking to a guy you now met more than 2 days a week for hours is overdoing it. Too available. After 6 months to a year you may then finally be able to narrow down which guy would like to go steady with. Women get yourselves a pair and a spare and give men a run for their money. Check out Myreah Moore’s book ‘How to date like a man’.

By: Ccourtney

Ccourtney — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:41:09 +0000

I think that Peter (the first comment) is right. You always have to keep them chasing and if you sleep with them too early than thats the impression you left. First impressions are lasting ones, always give them something to think about when they leave. Also I think that woman are in love with being in love and not with the actual person sometimes. I think that after a while there are people that you settle for. Then it doesnt work out and I say that I am heartbroken, later I realize I didnt love that guy. Im in love with being in love and the whole fairy tale. Keeping yourself on track is very important, and not just settling for someone who is easy to settle for but has some traits you know you wont like later.