Comments on: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Ask About My Life. Are We Doomed?

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 15:20:41 +0000

I think I have been somewhat guilty of not showing enough interest by asking questions on some dates. And when I saw the same being done to me often enough, I started to become more aware of it on my end and how it may come off to people. Agree with EMK “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a great read, and would definitely help anyone who tends to do that. Anyway Holly, he sounds like a good guy, he might just be a bit introverted. I think we tend to be less inquisitive. Good luck.

By: starthrower

starthrower — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 00:36:40 +0000

I broke up with a guy who agreed with me that communication was important but then wouldn’t communicate. Of course I knew I had been phased out and kicked to the curb, but in my own experience, I think the end of the relationship was his true character, not the beginning. He didn’t want me, he just wanted someone, and when the novelty wore off, that was it for me.

By: Gina

Gina — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 22:24:53 +0000

Holly,

The bottom line is can you live with the boyf not asking you questions that show he has a vested interest in getting to know you on a deeper level? If you let him know that it would mean so much to you if he would take the iniative and ask you questions about yourself rather than rely on you to initiate and he makes and effort to do better, then you may decide that you have a keeper. However, if he refuses and you always have to be the one to volunteer information, you may decide that this is a deal breaker and move on. A person can tons of wonderful qualities, but that means nothing in the whole scheme of things if they have ONE particular quality that is a dealbreaker. Only you can decide what that would be.

Best of luck!

By: Serena27

Serena27 — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:10:56 +0000

Holly he seems like a really great guy! I loved reading your follow-up post.

Maybe at some point you can just mention that you love the eye contact and you feel reassured that he cares about what you have to say when he brings up things you’ve said in the past. You really feel like he was listening. You’d just like a little bit of feedback while you are telling a story so you know he’s interested. When he doesn’t nod or ask follow-up questions (or even the ah, uh huh, hmm noises) you worry you are boring him and stop talking.

Also, ask him if he stays very silent on purpose so he can concentrate on listening. Maybe he’s simply super-focused on what you are saying.

Finally, try playing question games with him. There are probably lots online that you could find where each couple asks questions. Sometimes you tally the scores at the end, and sometimes it’s just used as a fun way to get through a road trip. Since he has the questions in front of him and it’s more formal, he doesn’t have to try to come up with questions. And since it’s a game there is less pressure (you might want to start with fun questions). Hopefully he will learn more about you, and maybe he will start to develop the habit of asking you questions. And even if he doesn’t, the question games might make you feel like your needs are being met in that area and you can get back to enjoying all the other great things about him!

By: Rampiance

Rampiance — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 05:51:29 +0000

I agree with #30 and #31 about non-verbal communications, and thanks, Holly, for dropping in to fill in the gaps.
I’m a listener with a steel trap for information, like Holly’s boyfriend.
I prefer to listen to the full context, which means listening to what a person does say and what they don’t say, when and how they say it, and when and how they don’t say it. I listen for all the tones and microtones and watch for body signals that are obvious and subtle.
I have found that I get the most accurate information when I listen this way INSTEAD of firing off questions. In fact, the more precious the answer is to me, the less pressure I will apply to get the answer: I get least distortion that way because the speaker gets to frame the information exactly how they want to. Or not. If they never want to speak to me about it, then that is accurate information also. Sometimes it takes months or years to learn what I’m burning to know, but I learn exactly what I want to know in the most amazing detail.
I leave space for the other’s thoughts, and then I learn what thoughts they like to put in that space, and which ones they don’t. This information about the other’s preferences is very important to me.

By: Sherel

Sherel — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 21:35:23 +0000

90% of communication is non-verbal. Drop the 10% and be more effective.

By: Catherine

Catherine — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 23:19:42 +0000

Has it occurred to anyone, that a lot of communication is non-verbal? Some people are very analytical and take in a lot about us, not by asking questions, but by listening and observing.

One of my friends may not ask a lot of direct questions, but he seems to watch people like a hawk and learns a lot about them by doing so. He would go with me to a social function and then comment on things my friends did, which I had missed or been oblivious to.

I agree it is enjoyable to be asked questions but I would have to confess I’m a bit self absorbed and not so good at doing it myself!

By: Fusee

Fusee — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 20:15:58 +0000

Evan, this was a great question to pick and as usual a spot-on advice! I’m grateful you keep managing your blog so closely despite having more fun things to do : ) I hope your little guy is growing well, and I wish you, your wife, and your older child lot of happiness together!

@Holly #28: I’m always glad when the letter writer comes back with some follow-up and more information! Thank you! It looks like you have a good relationship… You know, I think we can always find something missing. No one is perfect. With time passing it’s tempting to take what we do have for granted and regret some secondary or tertiary items that might be missing in the relationship. In your situation, there is a whole range between not being the most intense conversationalist and not giving a sh*t. Your boyfriend seems caring, but simply not the most curious in all the little details.

My boyfriend and I asked each other a lot of questions in our first few weeks of dating and then when we talked about how a marriage would look like (finances, children, career, home, etc), but now at 15 months we pretty much know everything essential and interesting there is to know. We now focus on the day-to-day happenings and the future. He could certainly ask me more questions, but since I spontaneously share/ask about what matters, he does not feel much need to do so. Now, if he stopped asking me how my day went and being able to listen to me for a little bit when I relate a couple stories, I’d be worried, but I’m not disappointed that he does not dig deep into the details of my life. That’s for my mom and the female friends!

There are a couple things that I also wish were different or better in my relationship, but then I remember all the essential qualities he already demonstrates, his commitment to our relationship, and then my own imperfections and how accepting he is of them. He definitely accepted things that not everyone would, and I love him more for that as well.

If your boyfriend is so non-judgemental that he accepts your criminal history, I would say that it’s pretty huge (not all men would accept such past), and calls for cutting a little bit of slack in other areas, as long as it’s not major of course.

Good luck in any case!

By: Holly

Holly — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:11:35 +0000

Hi all, I’m the letter writer. Thanks so much, Evan, for printing and responding! To answer some questions and provide an update: No, it didn’t take a year for it to dawn on me that I’m a stranger to my boyfriend. That took about two weeks! It just took me a year to find the appropriate forum for voicing my concerns. Thank heavens for EMK and his avid, rabid fans!

@Alyssa #5: You make a great point—while he may not ask specific questions, what I do tell him sticks in his head like a steel trap. He’ll bring stuff up I don’t even remember telling him, so I definitely know he gives a shit. He’s clearly shown me through his actions that he cares very much for me, but there are still times when I long for deep, intimate conversation about what makes each of us tick, not just him.

@Moe #8—I think you’re spot on about him being a more of a “listener.”

@Ruby #6: As I recall, when I told him about being a felon he pretty much just nodded and kept going with whatever it was he was talking about. Quite some time later I brought it up again because I felt it was something he needed to know (whether he wanted to hear it or not). He SAYS he thought I was joking, just trying to get a rise out of him, and he wasn’t going to let me get one over on him which is why he ignored it. Could that be true? Knowing him as I do now, yeah, maybe, probably, possibly not. I’ve decided to let it go and move on. Needless to say, he now knows the whole truth and he’s still by my side, so I take that as another sign he’s a keeper!

@Helen #11: Yes, he’s a talker, but he does let me get a word in edgewise. The difference between us is that when he’s talking, I insert the occasional comment to let him know I’m listening and understanding. When I talk, all I get is silence. He’s good about making eye contact (and not engaging in other distractions), but his total lack of response is what makes me think he couldn’t care less about the topic. I believe he cares about ME, just not the subject at hand.

@Goldie #13: There’s a difference in throwing out some bait to gather information about someone’s interest level and badgering someone into a corner. I do the former, NEVER the latter. And regarding the “why don’t you ask me about things you don’t know about” piece, I’m not expecting him to be a mind reader as you suggest. There’s a BIG difference between asking someone “What’s your favorite movie?” and “Did you make a ham sandwich with cheese and pickles last night?” (I did, by the way.)

@Joe&Helen #14 & #15: Actually, I’m not a blirter. I’m pretty quiet all around which is why I tend to be okay with him yakking on and on about work, family, what car he wants to buy, etc. Perhaps, though, I’ve set him up in a comfortable pattern by NOT blabbering about myself.

@SnowdropExplodes #17: Yes! I do ask him all kinds of questions about himself, his life, his past, his hopes and dreams, to find out more about him AND in hopes that he’ll turn around and ask me the same back. Sometimes it works, usually not.

And to answer everyone’s question about the felony, that’s between him and me! (But I didn’t kill anyone and no jail time, so really, it couldn’t have been that bad, eh?)

I have mentioned my concerns to him about this in the past and lo and behold, he asked me a question about two weeks ago, all by himself! Ok, so it was about my “favorite position” (go figure–he IS a man, after all!), but at least we’re making progress, right? ;-) I still think this man is awesome in so many other ways (compared to the handful of duds I’ve dated in the past). If the relationship ultimately fails it will be primarily for other reasons that may come up in the future, but this will likely remain a secondary issue that bubbles up now and then. Hopefully we will find a solution.

Thanks everyone, especially EMK. And while I’m sure you’re sick of hearing this (or knowing you, maybe not), CONGRATULATIONS!

By: Ruby

Ruby — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:26:46 +0000

I also suspect that the felony issue would be different if the genders were reversed. A woman finding out that her boyfriend of a year was a convicted felon would be a pretty big deal, and you can bet she’d probably be upset that he’d waited so long to tell her. But because Holly’s a woman, maybe her boyfriend assumes it’s not a big deal. However, felons face barriers to finding both jobs and housing. Since felonies range from possession of drugs to murder, isn’t that something one’s partner would want to know about?