Comments on: My Boyfriend May Be Cheating on Me Via IM Chat. Should I Discuss It With Him?

By: Clare

Clare — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 10:01:06 +0000

I have a story like this of my own with my boyfriend, who has never before cheated or even come close. All the evidence pointed overwhelmingly to his guilt, and yet he was innocent! I really struggled to keep it inside and for a couple of days, I was a mess.

But I’m really glad I kept it to myself and didn’t accuse him because a perfectly rational explanation came out of the woodwork a few days later. I laughed, and actually just about danced I was so relieved!

By: Goldie

Goldie — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 01:56:58 +0000

Amazing story, I love it!!

I had a similar thing happen a few years ago, when I was still married. One day, my son was going through his dad’s dresser drawers for whatever reason, and found a brand new condom and an empty wrapper, which he brought to me. I was pretty shocked, because we hadn’t used condoms since, oh, 1995. And, frankly, our marriage was in pretty bad shape at that point, so, I thought, who knows? Anything’s possible.

Now, unlike your wife, I spent a week or two fretting, stressing out, and not saying a word of it to my (then) husband. But finally, like your wife, I decided to talk to him, because none of it made sense. While my ex used to do a lot of things that I disagreed with (hence he’s the ex), one thing he would never do was cheat. I’d known the guy for twenty years by then and cheating was just not his thing. There was no logical explanation for what my kid had found.

So I ask my husband, and, like you, he gives me a deer-in-the-headlights look and says, These are not mine. I don’t do that. – Which is pretty much in line with what I already know about the guy – he doesn’t! Then after maybe five minutes of deep thought, he goes, Oh, I know! Remember the costume party?

And I remember. A few months prior, we’d gone to a costume party, where one of our friends showed up with condoms and hersheys kisses sewn onto her dress. (Don’t even ask.) Apparently towards the end of the party, another friend of my ex’s, who’d always been famous for his middle-school pranks, had started tearing the condoms off this woman’s dress, and shoving them into the male guests’ pockets. Except with my ex, the guy decided to be extra funny and added an empty wrapper for good measure. My ex put them in his drawer when he got home, because he is a thrifty guy and saves everything. Mystery solved. Marriage saved. (granted, only for a year or so, but still.)

So this is my story about how logic and communication always win over knee-jerk reactions and panic

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 11 May 2009 02:30:26 +0000

Very good story.
I can relate with your wife.
But I think she managed it much better than I did.

Too bad I never felt we cleared my situation up 100% and I think my doubt is getting in the way of my relationship. Therefore seeking for a solution.

Actually I’m not sure how to do that anymore. It’s been so long since it happened too…

I hope I clear it out. Anyways your story helped me a lot.

By: A-L

A-L — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 01:40:43 +0000

Confused,

I would directly confront your boyfriend with the evidence and see what his response is. If he’s willing to stop it point-blank, then you have a decision to make as to whether or not you can trust him again and if you want to continue in the relationship. If he doesn’t fess up then drop him and find someone better (ie, someone who isn’t hitting on all sorts of women online, and possibly trying to meet up with them in real life).

By: Confused???

Confused??? — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:12:49 +0000

don’t i know about guys talking to other girls online. stumbled across conversations my bf had with girls online starting out him calling them hot, or sexy, or other suggestive comments, finding out where they live, asking they want to hang out… (and these are girls he does not other then having met them online) and i haven’t called him out directly on this but i have given chances to admit to it, which he hasn’t kind of suck knowing he does this as he can be a hell of guy, but after finding out about that… i don’t know if i can stay with him, it’d hurt if i left but then if i stay and online “flirting” continues, i don’t know if want that.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:45:44 +0000

Cilla, on your last point, if an attempt had been made to establish such ground rules, I’m guessing somebody would have bailed on the relationship. Either Vicky would not have wanted an open relationship or her BF would have wanted it. Somebody would not have gotten what they wanted.

By: Cilla

Cilla — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:08:46 +0000

Great post. Never thought I’d see the day when a pair of panties in the laundry hamper were LESS of a smoking gun than an IM making explicit plans to meet someone LOL.

Vicki, I hope you come back and let us know how you handled the situation. I’ve been in similar scenarios, and it doesn’t usually go well. Even if he is able to convince you it was nothing, you have to make sure you feel you can trust him in the future.

@Lance: it doesn’t seem like they have that kind of mutually agreed upon open relationship. If they had laid out those ground rules first, his IM wouldn’t be considered cheating. Unfortunately, most couples aren’t able to put those rules in place retroactively after one partner has cheated. That’s just a lame way for him to cover his ass.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 01:51:15 +0000

Lance, I’m really scratching my head in wonder at that last sentence.

By: Lance

Lance — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:31:31 +0000

That's a great story and a great response, one of your best IMO. I think you're spot on. I knew very few (like zero) women who would react and stay cool like your wife. I can imagine it was a stressful month. The couple in question has some other issues, probably the guy is starting to lose attraction for the girl and there looks like a sex conflict for the guy. I don't doubt their love for each other, and it's my opinion that at around the two year mark guys get antsy to have sex with other women (for me it's around 1 year, sometimes less). I won't dive too deeply into that here, but if he needs to have sex with other chicks, they should consider taking a separate vacation where he can hook up for casual sex or go see a pro. Talk openly about the sex, lay out strict rules, and get the sex out of the way. Sex shouldn't derail a perfectly good relationship. Lance´s last blog post...I'm Going Vegetarian For A Month (WTF?!)

By: casualencounters.com/blog

casualencounters.com/blog — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:17:53 +0000

I'd say it was okay and not to worry about it, but unfortunately my chosen career of "Guinness Record Breaker Guy" involves pulling airplanes down landing strips using my teeth, so yeah. The jawsmash was a big fat career-ending game over and my projected lifetime future earnings are now less than or equal to zero. Plus, you know, now I don't even have regular sex or my alien penis tentacle porn collection to keep me warm at night. What I'm saying is that I really need this lawsuit to come through for me. You are stupendously wealthy, right? And, uh, drowning in guilt and kind of naive vis a vis applicable law? casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post...How to Find Sex: the Art of the One Night Stand - Part 11 Looking Ahead