My boyfriend – who is over 60 – has had more dates than anyone I know and still receives notifications of women who have emailed him constantly. He has told me about some of them and still hears from many of them. Since we have dated for almost two years, I asked him to cancel his online dating account. I cancelled mine.
We live together. Whenever I have to go to a social function, it shows that he has been on Match.com reviewing matches sent to him. I told him it was upsetting and we had a little verbal disagreement. After another social event that I attended with girlfriends, I found that he had done the same thing again. This time I am not saying anything, but feel he is always looking for something better.
How do I know this? My girlfriend who is on Match.com looked at his site for me (which is still posted) and said he had been on that day, just a few hours ago, which was while I was gone. Is he addicted? Is this normal human behavior? –Barb
An existential question:
If a man cheats openly on his live-in girlfriend, is he actually a cheater?
I don’t know, Barb, but the picture you’re painting is of a really unfortunate arrangement.
Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy. The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.
A man who is openly defying his two-year girlfriend to stay active on Match.
A woman who has so little self-esteem that she puts up with such defiant behavior.
Forgive me for the self-esteem line. I don’t know you. I’m not a psychologist. But your relationship does suggest a level of patience and tolerance that far exceeds the norm. And I’m not saying that in a good way.
Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy.
The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.
But if the company knows and doesn’t fire him, whose fault is it that the behavior continues? You got it: the company!
And if I’m the CEO, I’m gonna keep on openly embezzling.
Why not? There are no consequences to my behavior.
I do hate to be the one to burst your bubble, Barb.
But really, what do you think he’s DOING on Match each day? Do you think he’s just browsing, like people browse through the mall?
Or would you guess that a man who has a membership on a dating site is actually, you know… USING that site for its intended purposes – to meet new women?
Put it this way:
I don’t go to Amazon to browse books. I go there to buy.
I don’t go to the gym to not work out. I go there to swim.
There is simply no viable, reasonable, acceptable response he can make – even if, somehow, he has not met ANY new women since “committing” to you.
I’ll be the first to admit – online dating can be addicting – especially when you’re getting a lot of attention. There IS a temptation, for both men and women, to try to continually “trade up”. But the whole point of dating – for most of us, anyway – is to find one person that makes you want to quit altogether.
If your live-in boyfriend doesn’t want to quit, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend.
Oh, and by the way, don’t ask him to take his profile down. That’s not your solution. He’s already proven to be the worst kind of selfish, insensitive prick who can’t be trusted with slippery concepts such as “monogamy”.
The only way to fix this is to dump this him when you’re done reading this.
You probably won’t do it, Barb, but I’m really hoping that you do.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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