Oct01
My Boyfriend Was Cheated On and Has Trouble Trusting Women. What Should I Do?
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I have been dating a guy I met online for about 3 months now. He has been divorced for 16 years. I have never been married. He’s 42, and I am 40. Unfortunately, his ex-wife cheated on him, and married her lover the day after their divorce was final. My boyfriend seems to be VERY obsessed with never allowing anything like that to happen to him again, and is easily upset by any talk of men I dated before him, even though all of those relationships were extremely superficial and I maintain absolutely no contact whatsoever with any man I ever dated before him. My boyfriend has many good qualities, and I really like him a lot (I’m starting to love him). I just wanted to know, in a general way, what does it take for a man to get over being cheated on by an ex-wife, particularly if it has been many years now, and he still seems to be putting up walls? Most of the information I have found on the internet dealing with divorced men pertains to issues surrounding the recently divorced, and most of the information about cheating has to do with divorced men who cheat, not men who were the cheatees rather than the cheaters. Do you have any general advice for a (never married) woman dating a long-divorced man who has trust issues going back 16 years to an unfaithful first wife? I REALLY want my relationship with him to work out. What should I do?
Vicki
If you were ever cheated upon, what would your partner have to do to convince you that he’s safe?
Dear Vicki,
Great question. Straightforward answer. All you have to do is look at it from another angle.
If you were ever cheated upon, what would your partner have to do to convince you that he’s safe?
In a lot of circumstances, there’s not much someone can do explicitly to instill trust. I think back to a girlfriend of mine who had a boyfriend who was polyamorous. This arrangement pretty much meant that he openly cheated on her while she remained faithful to him, hoping that he’d change. She was free to do the same, except she didn’t want to. This experience scarred her and all of her trust issues came to surface when she started dating a very flirty burgeoning dating coach. She could never believe that a man like me who appreciated other women wouldn’t cheat on her, and she broke up with me (about three times, to be exact.)
I only share that story as an example of how you can have your heart in the right place, but still not do anything to assuage someone with deep seated issues.
On the other hand, my wife was cheated on by her ex-husband and other long-term ex-boyfriends. How she managed to trust me, even when she found a pair of panties in our new hamper after a business trip, is beyond me. But the main reason, I’m guessing, is that I haven’t given her any reasons to doubt my integrity.
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15 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice
Curly Girl Oct 1st 2009 at 08:05 am 1
Really want to hear the panties in the hamper explanation!
Steve Oct 1st 2009 at 08:21 am 2
Vicki;
Your boyfriend needs professional help. It has been 16 years.
Trusting another person is ALWAYS a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. If he wants a certain kind of happiness he has to be vulnerable to risk. That is the bottom line. Either he accepts it or he doesn’t.
Honey Oct 1st 2009 at 09:25 am 3
I think a dynamic of having to “prove” yourself is really, really harmful, because you can never prove it and you’ll just be trying forever. You may be able to deal with it now, but what if it never changes? Can you live with this person for the rest of your life knowing that he will never believe in you?
LeahB61 Oct 1st 2009 at 10:43 am 4
I had a similar experience in a past relationship. I kept reminding him I wasn’t his x and that I didn’t cheat on my x. In the months we dated he knew he could trust me. But his being hurt so deeply he says he’ll never again marry or build a life with another. He is happy with the girlfriend he has now, and plans on it staying just a girlfriend/boyfriend. I wonder if she knows that?
Anyway, after 16 years he is not going to change the way he feels. I’d move on. I know that is easier said than done. But when they can’t forget the past…you can’t have a future.
starthrower68 Oct 1st 2009 at 11:48 am 5
Vicki,
Very good points made above. At some point, you will be drained and maybe even resentful from constantly having to prove yourself. I would tell him that if your relationship is that important, then he needs to get the help necessary to resolve his issues. You cannot fix this. You can love him and support him in his efforts to grow and get on the other side of it, but you can’t fix it for him.
girl-with-glasses Oct 1st 2009 at 02:29 pm 6
I think some men are a lot more emotionally fragile then the mass media would lead people to believe. They don’t have the emotional fluidity of women, if they’ve been cheated on by someone they had ‘blind faith’ in, they could be utterly destroyed and broken by the experience. However, it’s been 16 years, and since he’s now in a serious relationship with you, it’s probably apparent to him that living in a shell for the rest of his life isn’t the way to go. If he’s with you, then a significant part of him really wants to heal and open up to another person. I think the solution is to point out to him that both he and his ex-wife might have been more naive in their twenties. If the current age has taught us anything, it’s that women, as well as men, can cheat. But some people will not cheat, because they’ve made the decision not to and have the character to support that determination. Notice it’s not they won’t cheat because they might never be tempted, or that they can’t, but that they won’t. Since you are both in your 40’s, both of you should have the maturity and strength to correctly assess such other’s integrity as human beings.
I don’t think having ‘blind faith’ in his wife was necessarily a good thing. Sometimes men relegate women to some sort of support role and forget to relate to them as genuine people. Like she existed only as an idea of his wife, rather than the person she really was. I believe in a marriage, feeling lonely and not understood, is a lot crueler feeling than feeling lonely as a single person. As a spouse, it’s not your job to turn a blind eye to such things, because they will happen, but instead to offer a genuine effort to support and understand another person when it happens. Yes, they are your spouse, but they are still themselves as well. Sometimes the other party can seem very unlovable to you, being in a committed relationship means that nevertheless, you should try to be compassionate and loving.
Maybe in the previous relationship, he never really paid enough mind to her, and just assumed she was happy . Without emotional understanding, that’s not much of a marriage.
You need to teach him how to pay actual attention to the progress of the real relationship. If the emotional content of the current relationship is more understanding and genuine than his previous marriage, he will gradually grow to trust you because he’ll grow to trust his own emotional understanding of the relationship. I think you need to be patient and strong if you want this relationship to work. But he needs to be told that he needs to grow up as well, to put the past behind him, and to forgive his wife and well as recognize that his younger self is not the man he is now.
It’s going to be difficult, but for crying-out-loud, he’s in his forties. Tell him it’s his last chance not to die alone, being lonely and a coward.
Steve Oct 1st 2009 at 04:41 pm 7
@ #4
A great nugget:
” But when they can’t forget the past…you can’t have a future.”
Dysis Oct 1st 2009 at 05:22 pm 8
My boyfriend of over a year was cheated on by his ex-wife — he was a workaholic, she felt neglected and the bloom had worn off…nothing original. Add to that a few previous girlfriends who had stepped out on him, and (most disturbing to me, and almost a dealbreaker) a relationship with a married woman. Guess who has trust issues now.
He puts up a good front of not worrying about it, but the jokes about how I’d leave him for some fancy co-worker come out occasionally. Or if we got married, and he was inattentive, I’d step out on him.
And then about a month ago he appologized that I have to deal with the results, that he really doesn’t trust women. My first response was that everyone has baggage, including me.
But, after thinking about it, and processing it, I’ve realized that I’m great enough for him to get over it, gosh darn it! And if he can’t, then I’m just gonna have to move on. I’m not saying next week, or even next month…but at somepoint, if I’m not content with the way things are going, what’s the point in continuing. He doesn’t know this, I may tell him the first half, but the second sounds like an ultimatum when it’s not. It’s just being realistic.
Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach Oct 1st 2009 at 06:55 pm 9
What a great and interesting topic. I agree with Evan that this is a very tricky situation and in reality there is really not much you can do except to love him and accept him as he is.
I have been cheated before and for me personally it helped when I realized how I also contributed to “driving” my girlfriend to cheat. By learning to forgive my ex-girlfriend and by taking responsibility of how I also had contributed to our relationship problems helped me to gain the needed confidence to realize that I do have what it takes to create a better relationship for me in the future.
I think that by continuing to the best of your abilities to fulfill your own life and at the same time help make him feel successful in making you happy will help him gain his confidence and see that he does make a difference and have what it takes to have a great relationship. Good luck to you both!
downtowngal Oct 1st 2009 at 07:21 pm 10
16 years and he’s still bitter? I realize that being cheated on is horrible, but I wonder how much more to the story there is.
If he’s 42, that means he was 26 when he divorced. For how long was he married? And what were the circumstances? Was he traveling a lot for work and didn’t attend to his wife’s emotional needs? or was she a total wacko? Also, what was his relationship experience since his divorce?
We all have baggage, but those who are successful in moving on are able to deal with it. My friends’ husband was married one before and his wife cheated on him. It took him a few years to get over it, an in the process learned about what he could have done better. Had he not gone through this he wouldn’t have been ready to date my friend. Now they’re happily married w kids.
Your bf has to accept what happened in order to move on. And based on what you’re telling me, it doesn’t sound as if he has. And at 42, if he hasn’t learned how to deal w this, I doubt he ever will. And your staying w him won’t change that.
texasdarlin Oct 2nd 2009 at 06:19 am 11
I agree with Steve #2 He needs profesional help. Based upon what you’ve written,Vicki, it seems to me that there’s never been any sort of closure or emotional divorce. I can sepculate as to why, but that’s unimportant. The question remains is he willing to make the changes he needs to make in order to have a future with you? Honey # 3 made an excellent point. You’ve shown your concern for him, but the simple fact of the matter is he has to want to make those changes that are necessary for a healthy relationship. You can’t make change or want to change that has to come from within him and him alone. Change is hard and can be scary, especially when it comes to trust issues. None of us like being hurt, so it may be something he’s not willing to do as he hasn’t made an effort yet. It seems to me that you have to decide whether or not you can accept him as he is now and whether or not you’ll be happy or content with that. You can’t depend on him to change because he may not want to. Dysis #8 said it best…”I’m great enough for for him to get over it…And if he can’t, Im just gonna have to move on”
Diana Oct 2nd 2009 at 10:11 am 12
I agree with many of the thoughts here. If he hasn’t been able to heal during all those years, then he needs professional help. I doubt that he will choose that route, unless he doesn’t want to lose you. It’s comforting for him to hold on to his security of distrust because then he doesn’t have to open himself up to the possibility of future pain and rejection, nor does he have to point the compass at himself to see where he may have played a part in her betrayal.
It’s possible that you’re the first woman he has seriously considered since his divorce; thus challenging his trust issue. Three months may be too soon for him. Building trust takes time. It’s a shame how a lifetime of trust can crumble in a matter of seconds.
That said, at some point ~ and I’d say sooner than later, given your developing feelings ~ you have to ask yourself, “If he doesn’t change, can I continue to live with this, accept him as he is, and be willing to lose a piece of myself in the process?” You already know the answer. All you can do is be the trusting person you are, and leave the rest up to him. And if you think you can live without his trust, your relationship will not last because every warrior gets weary. True love can only deepen and grow when there is trust.
Diana Oct 2nd 2009 at 10:22 am 13
To clarify what might sound conflicting,
16 years is long enough for him to heal, assuming she’s not the first woman to challenge his trust issue which is likely the case.
Selena Oct 3rd 2009 at 10:08 am 14
I’m also curious as to what his romantic life has been the last 16 yrs. between ages 26 and 42. Did he not date? Or relegate himself to casual relationships only? Did he alienate a number of potential partners with his mistrust of them and women in general?
Only 3 months into dating you are likely still in the “new” infatuation stage. Having to continually ”prove” yourself to someone who presumes guilty by gender is going to become increasingly tiresome as the newness of this relationship wears off. I don’t think there is anything you can do to help him “get over” his feelings resulting from the past. How do you know he even wants to? Perhaps holding onto mistrust has become a comfort zone to him. A way of keeping lovers at a measured distance. Of keeping them on edge with the “proving” thing. Of excusing himself from making a commitment to any woman. A bit convenient if you think about that way.
He’d have to actually want to get over his trust issues and do something like therapy in order for the two of you to move on from his past. How likely do you think that is? 3 months may be too early for you to push for something like that. After 6 months together though, you need to seriously consider what a future with this guy is going to look like and discuss it with him accordingly.
Derek Oct 5th 2009 at 11:29 am 15
It’s a shame that at some point as we get older we will all have some baggage that makes us see things in a way we never thought we would. I have been in the position where I have to pay the price for another’s bad choices but the bottom line is we must make a conscious decision as to whether that person is worth the extra time and patience or not. If not then cut your emotional ties and head for the door.