Comments on: My Boyfriend Was Cheated On and Has Trouble Trusting Women. What Should I Do?

By: Lucie

Lucie — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 22:31:55 +0000

Aw, He needs to forget about the past and realize that you will never do what his ex has done to him. It usually takes a little while for someone to be able to trust again, but 16 years is a bit ridiculous :L lol. Well it sounds like his ex has left the poor guy in pieces, keep telling him that you want to be with him for a very long time and that you would never do such a thing as be unfaithful to him or leave him. He will eventually start gaining your trust and I wish you all the luck xxx

By: ARNybody

ARNybody — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 23:43:02 +0000

a common thread in the responses is “he needs to get over it”
be ing cheated on, especially in a relationship that has progressed
to the level of marriage, does more psychological harm than many
of you may realize. would you expect a rape victim to “get over it”
and move on? acknowledging and supporting the emotional needs
of ur partner is requires for any relationship and you have to be
willing to make changes in yourself and how you act to be able
to grow with them. telling him he has to trust because its been 16
years is not constructive. as with any victim of psychological
trauma, you have to become aware of what triggers there anxiety
and avoid these catalysts. communication, compassion,
acceptance and understanding need to be part of the relationship.
weather you like it or not, if you want to remain with this person,
you have to be careful of how you act and what you say. the
question that should be asked is, are you strong enough to be
with them and do you have faith that you can understand and
accept what they have been through, survived, and grow with
them. bottom line is, you have to be as strong as they have had
to be.

By: Trevor

Trevor — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 05:57:22 +0000

I’m reading this post as a guy who has been cheated on and is recently starting a new relationship with a girl who seems completely awesome so far. I’ve NEVER been a jealous guy because I so “blindly” trusted the person I was with. Long story short, I was with my girlfriend for 6 years before I asked her to marry me. And after six months of marriage (7 years of being together), she told me she didn’t love me anymore. And I found out the hard way (through piecing things together by talking with her mom) that she had been lying to me and hanging out with the guy that she is still currently with while we were still married. When I confronted her about hanging out with this guy, she told me she wanted a divorce. This was on a tuesday, and that following weekend, she went on a “weekend getaway” with this guy. It was probably the worst week of my life – literally. I have never once blamed her, or even been mad at her, for falling out of love with me. It’s just the lying and completely defying my trust that is hard to get over.
Now I also realize that I wasn’t a perfect guy, but at the same time, who is? And she definitely had her flaws too. But we were crazy about each other. Or so I thought. And after having a seven year relationship go bad out of nowhere, I find myself continuously thinking how can anyone know for sure that they aren’t going to get hurt? There is simply no way to know for sure. Which is the scary part. At any time, the person you are with could find someone better and decided to go with them. It’s just a tough hurdle to get over.
So I completely understand where this guy is coming from. We have been taught to not fully trust in women and it’s hard going against that. Really hard. I also don’t like how other people have been so quick to assume that it was the guys fault that the woman cheated. That’s simply not always the case. Both my wife and I constantly reminded each other how good the other person was for us. Especially when we looked at major flaws in other couple’s relationships. Everything looked really good for the future. I truly believe it was just simply a case of she found a bigger fish in the pond and went for it.
Now I know my post was long and ultimately didn’t do much, but I just wanted to contribute my point of view from the “guy who’s having trust issues” perspective. (This is the first time I’ve ever posted to something like this too. I just googled how I felt, this page came up and I thought by reading it I would get some answers.)

By: Brianna

Brianna — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 02:24:50 +0000

My boyfriend was cheated on by his first love after 5 years of dating, the fact that she married this other guy didn’t help his road to recovery. He can’t see it from her perspective but I can’t help thinking, if she moved on with this guy so quickly perhaps they weren’t made for each other?
We’ve had lots of talks about starting with a blank slate and I’ve always shown myself to be open and trustworthy such as letting him know where I am and what I’ve been up to. Its little things like this that prove yourself and help them to realize that they have nothing to fear with you. Good luck.

By: Derek

Derek — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:29:55 +0000

It’s a shame that at some point as we get older we will all have some baggage that makes us see things in a way we never thought we would. I have been in the position where I have to pay the price for another’s bad choices but the bottom line is we must make a conscious decision as to whether that person is worth the extra time and patience or not. If not then cut your emotional ties and head for the door.

By: Selena

Selena — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 18:08:43 +0000

I’m also curious as to what his romantic life has been the last 16 yrs. between ages 26 and 42. Did he not date? Or relegate himself to casual relationships only? Did he alienate a number of potential partners with his mistrust of them and women in general?

Only 3 months into dating you are likely still in the “new” infatuation stage. Having to continually “prove” yourself to someone who presumes guilty by gender is going to become increasingly tiresome as the newness of this relationship wears off. I don’t think there is anything you can do to help him “get over” his feelings resulting from the past. How do you know he even wants to? Perhaps holding onto mistrust has become a comfort zone to him. A way of keeping lovers at a measured distance. Of keeping them on edge with the “proving” thing. Of excusing himself from making a commitment to any woman. A bit convenient if you think about that way.

He’d have to actually want to get over his trust issues and do something like therapy in order for the two of you to move on from his past. How likely do you think that is? 3 months may be too early for you to push for something like that. After 6 months together though, you need to seriously consider what a future with this guy is going to look like and discuss it with him accordingly.

By: Diana

Diana — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:22:09 +0000

To clarify what might sound conflicting, 16 years is long enough for him to heal, assuming she’s not the first woman to challenge his trust issue which is likely the case.

By: Diana

Diana — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:11:59 +0000

I agree with many of the thoughts here. If he hasn’t been able to heal during all those years, then he needs professional help. I doubt that he will choose that route, unless he doesn’t want to lose you. It’s comforting for him to hold on to his security of distrust because then he doesn’t have to open himself up to the possibility of future pain and rejection, nor does he have to point the compass at himself to see where he may have played a part in her betrayal.

It’s possible that you’re the first woman he has seriously considered since his divorce; thus challenging his trust issue. Three months may be too soon for him. Building trust takes time. It’s a shame how a lifetime of trust can crumble in a matter of seconds.

That said, at some point ~ and I’d say sooner than later, given your developing feelings ~ you have to ask yourself, “If he doesn’t change, can I continue to live with this, accept him as he is, and be willing to lose a piece of myself in the process?” You already know the answer. All you can do is be the trusting person you are, and leave the rest up to him. And if you think you can live without his trust, your relationship will not last because every warrior gets weary. True love can only deepen and grow when there is trust.

By: texasdarlin

texasdarlin — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:19:11 +0000

I agree with Steve #2 He needs profesional help. Based upon what you’ve written,Vicki, it seems to me that there’s never been any sort of closure or emotional divorce. I can sepculate as to why, but that’s unimportant. The question remains is he willing to make the changes he needs to make in order to have a future with you? Honey # 3 made an excellent point. You’ve shown your concern for him, but the simple fact of the matter is he has to want to make those changes that are necessary for a healthy relationship. You can’t make change or want to change that has to come from within him and him alone. Change is hard and can be scary, especially when it comes to trust issues. None of us like being hurt, so it may be something he’s not willing to do as he hasn’t made an effort yet. It seems to me that you have to decide whether or not you can accept him as he is now and whether or not you’ll be happy or content with that. You can’t depend on him to change because he may not want to. Dysis #8 said it best…”I’m great enough for for him to get over it…And if he can’t, Im just gonna have to move on”

By: downtowngal

downtowngal — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 03:21:26 +0000

16 years and he’s still bitter? I realize that being cheated on is horrible, but I wonder how much more to the story there is.

If he’s 42, that means he was 26 when he divorced. For how long was he married? And what were the circumstances? Was he traveling a lot for work and didn’t attend to his wife’s emotional needs? or was she a total wacko? Also, what was his relationship experience since his divorce?

We all have baggage, but those who are successful in moving on are able to deal with it. My friends’ husband was married one before and his wife cheated on him. It took him a few years to get over it, an in the process learned about what he could have done better. Had he not gone through this he wouldn’t have been ready to date my friend. Now they’re happily married w kids.

Your bf has to accept what happened in order to move on. And based on what you’re telling me, it doesn’t sound as if he has. And at 42, if he hasn’t learned how to deal w this, I doubt he ever will. And your staying w him won’t change that.