Comments on: My Boyfriend Was Cheated On and Has Trouble Trusting Women. What Should I Do?

By: Gary

Gary — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 18:59:42 +0000

I was recently cheated on numerous times in my mid twenties all while we had a young child. She actually used our child to prevent me from finding out. She had to study so I had to stay at home and watch our infant daughter. She actually was cheating instead. I trusted her very much and was blind-sided by the cheating. When I found out, she kicked me and her own infant daughter into the streets to be with someone else. I had no food, no money, no car, no shelter. Everything was stripped from me except our child and that was because she didn’t want to be a mother anymore.

Its been five years now. I haven’t been on a single date for five years. Either rejected, loss of confidence or simply lost the way to close the deal. What I now do is work hard and focus my life as a single father. I am still in my twenties too so I feel alone a lot. My friends are in serious relationships and even though I want to be in one, I am the lone one now. I truly feel for this story because I know I will be in that position one day.

Since being alone, I face many obstacles. Everything depends on me and I worry more about not leaving a good enough “foundation” for my daughter if I happen to pass away. I often feel that because of what her mother did to the both of us, it was my fault that I wasn’t “good” enough for our family to be intact. So when I meet anyone, I am happy but it disappears almost within a week when I am reminded what giving “trust” did.

I am doing better now. I have a car, shelter, food and all the basics covered but I don’t know how to approach women nor allow a women to enter my life risking the chance of everything collapsing again. I am in a way lucky that my daughter was an infant when we were in trouble as if it was to occur now, she would definitely remember it and would bring her bad memories. As her father, I will take the bad memories away and hope she won’t ever go through what I had to go through. Many people say that I am like a robot now who shows no emotion other than when I am with my daughter where you can actually see the human inside. This mindset is what brought the both of us to pull it through so I have no choice but to stick with what works.

By: kaycee

kaycee — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 21:12:53 +0000

I have this same problem only my bf isn’t worried about cheating — he’s just emotionally unavailable. He went from the greatest the first 2 months (when I think he let his guard down) to pretty miserable this last month.

I had to end things. His divorce was nearly 10 years ago and he’s 42 as well. He admits that he can’t let anyone get close (including friends) and only has let his children in.

It’s very sad. I love him. But like what others have said – this is something I can’t fix. As much reassurance as I give — that doesn’t help. He actually said he feels pressure from it. So in this case and in many like it — love only goes so far.

I’m terribly sad as I thought this was the love of my life.

By: ell

ell — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 19:32:06 +0000

nbdy wakes up ne day and says” i think i will cheat n my spouse.sometimes people are neglected r taken forgranted..sometimes they were silently unhappy…i have been lied t and cheated n and every day i try my hardest t start new with wh ever i might be with…withut judgement…until they give me a reasn itherwise

By: Lucie

Lucie — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 22:31:55 +0000

Aw, He needs to forget about the past and realize that you will never do what his ex has done to him. It usually takes a little while for someone to be able to trust again, but 16 years is a bit ridiculous :L lol. Well it sounds like his ex has left the poor guy in pieces, keep telling him that you want to be with him for a very long time and that you would never do such a thing as be unfaithful to him or leave him. He will eventually start gaining your trust and I wish you all the luck xxx

By: ARNybody

ARNybody — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 23:43:02 +0000

a common thread in the responses is “he needs to get over it”
be ing cheated on, especially in a relationship that has progressed
to the level of marriage, does more psychological harm than many
of you may realize. would you expect a rape victim to “get over it”
and move on? acknowledging and supporting the emotional needs
of ur partner is requires for any relationship and you have to be
willing to make changes in yourself and how you act to be able
to grow with them. telling him he has to trust because its been 16
years is not constructive. as with any victim of psychological
trauma, you have to become aware of what triggers there anxiety
and avoid these catalysts. communication, compassion,
acceptance and understanding need to be part of the relationship.
weather you like it or not, if you want to remain with this person,
you have to be careful of how you act and what you say. the
question that should be asked is, are you strong enough to be
with them and do you have faith that you can understand and
accept what they have been through, survived, and grow with
them. bottom line is, you have to be as strong as they have had
to be.

By: Trevor

Trevor — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 05:57:22 +0000

I’m reading this post as a guy who has been cheated on and is recently starting a new relationship with a girl who seems completely awesome so far. I’ve NEVER been a jealous guy because I so “blindly” trusted the person I was with. Long story short, I was with my girlfriend for 6 years before I asked her to marry me. And after six months of marriage (7 years of being together), she told me she didn’t love me anymore. And I found out the hard way (through piecing things together by talking with her mom) that she had been lying to me and hanging out with the guy that she is still currently with while we were still married. When I confronted her about hanging out with this guy, she told me she wanted a divorce. This was on a tuesday, and that following weekend, she went on a “weekend getaway” with this guy. It was probably the worst week of my life – literally. I have never once blamed her, or even been mad at her, for falling out of love with me. It’s just the lying and completely defying my trust that is hard to get over.
Now I also realize that I wasn’t a perfect guy, but at the same time, who is? And she definitely had her flaws too. But we were crazy about each other. Or so I thought. And after having a seven year relationship go bad out of nowhere, I find myself continuously thinking how can anyone know for sure that they aren’t going to get hurt? There is simply no way to know for sure. Which is the scary part. At any time, the person you are with could find someone better and decided to go with them. It’s just a tough hurdle to get over.
So I completely understand where this guy is coming from. We have been taught to not fully trust in women and it’s hard going against that. Really hard. I also don’t like how other people have been so quick to assume that it was the guys fault that the woman cheated. That’s simply not always the case. Both my wife and I constantly reminded each other how good the other person was for us. Especially when we looked at major flaws in other couple’s relationships. Everything looked really good for the future. I truly believe it was just simply a case of she found a bigger fish in the pond and went for it.
Now I know my post was long and ultimately didn’t do much, but I just wanted to contribute my point of view from the “guy who’s having trust issues” perspective. (This is the first time I’ve ever posted to something like this too. I just googled how I felt, this page came up and I thought by reading it I would get some answers.)

By: Brianna

Brianna — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 02:24:50 +0000

My boyfriend was cheated on by his first love after 5 years of dating, the fact that she married this other guy didn’t help his road to recovery. He can’t see it from her perspective but I can’t help thinking, if she moved on with this guy so quickly perhaps they weren’t made for each other?
We’ve had lots of talks about starting with a blank slate and I’ve always shown myself to be open and trustworthy such as letting him know where I am and what I’ve been up to. Its little things like this that prove yourself and help them to realize that they have nothing to fear with you. Good luck.

By: Derek

Derek — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:29:55 +0000

It’s a shame that at some point as we get older we will all have some baggage that makes us see things in a way we never thought we would. I have been in the position where I have to pay the price for another’s bad choices but the bottom line is we must make a conscious decision as to whether that person is worth the extra time and patience or not. If not then cut your emotional ties and head for the door.

By: Selena

Selena — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 18:08:43 +0000

I’m also curious as to what his romantic life has been the last 16 yrs. between ages 26 and 42. Did he not date? Or relegate himself to casual relationships only? Did he alienate a number of potential partners with his mistrust of them and women in general?

Only 3 months into dating you are likely still in the “new” infatuation stage. Having to continually “prove” yourself to someone who presumes guilty by gender is going to become increasingly tiresome as the newness of this relationship wears off. I don’t think there is anything you can do to help him “get over” his feelings resulting from the past. How do you know he even wants to? Perhaps holding onto mistrust has become a comfort zone to him. A way of keeping lovers at a measured distance. Of keeping them on edge with the “proving” thing. Of excusing himself from making a commitment to any woman. A bit convenient if you think about that way.

He’d have to actually want to get over his trust issues and do something like therapy in order for the two of you to move on from his past. How likely do you think that is? 3 months may be too early for you to push for something like that. After 6 months together though, you need to seriously consider what a future with this guy is going to look like and discuss it with him accordingly.

By: Diana

Diana — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:22:09 +0000

To clarify what might sound conflicting, 16 years is long enough for him to heal, assuming she’s not the first woman to challenge his trust issue which is likely the case.