My Catholic Boyfriend Refuses to Have Sex With Me. Should I Try to Seduce Him?

I’m marrying a Catholic who is also pretty damn Catholic. But I don’t spend one iota of time explaining the error of her ways to her. Why? Because they’re not an error. They’re her beliefs, they comfort her, and they are a fundamental part of the woman I fell in love with. She knows exactly how I feel, so what’s the point of rehashing our differences? Love is about accepting someone for all that they are – and while sometimes it doesn’t come naturally, I know it’s something that’s essential to our long-term happiness.

I’ve had a lot of women try to change me. I’m marrying the one who doesn’t even try. Which is why I can say with some degree of confidence, Julia, that I don’t think you’ve fully contemplated what it’s like to date a person who is trying to change you. So try this hypothetical on for size:

You don’t want Catholic Man as he is – a sweet, God-fearing virgin with Christian values.

Catholic Man thinks you’re an amazing catch. Smart, logical, quick-witted, sexy (for, you know, the honeymoon) – you’re the entire package. Except for one thing. You’re Jewish. Your morals are questionable. And you’re going to hell – unless you accept Jesus Christ as your savior. And while he really thinks he could be in love with you, he’s not going to go down that path with a woman who would raise her children without a sense of God.

Sounds pretty awful, huh? To be with a guy who is proselytizing all the time? Who thinks your beliefs are silly? Who loves a lot of you, but won’t fully accept you as you are?

Yeah, that’s how you’re treating this guy.

I’m all for the breakdown of religious barriers. I think the new atheists are onto something. And my fiancée and I have our own unique way we plan on raising our family. It involves compromise – on both of our parts.

But it’s clear that you don’t really want to compromise on this one. You don’t want Catholic Man as he is – a sweet, God-fearing virgin with Christian values. You want him to be you – a smartypants secular Jew. And from one of us to another – that ain’t happening.

Let him find his chaste bride who will accept him as he is, instead of constantly judging him for what he isn’t.

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79 Comments »Filed Under Sex

79 Responses to “My Catholic Boyfriend Refuses to Have Sex With Me. Should I Try to Seduce Him?”

andrea 1

Right on, Jew-brother.
This is one of those letters that makes me think, “Is she for real?”

If you don’t have the same beliefs and you can’t accept his, break up. It’s only going to cause problems later. Not to mention, that you’re not accepting him for who he is. Jews and gentiles break up over different beliefs all the time. Heck, people of the same religion break up over differing beliefs. Dating is hard enough.

DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE HIM.
Selena 2

Amen Evan.
Honey 3

Ouch. But as an atheist myself who is finally with someone who feels the same way, I don’t think that I could ever go back to someone who didn’t share my values.
Lance 4

Well said. Religion is generally something I don’t touch when dating…in other words, I screen them out automatically. I’m athiest, I strongly believe in premarital sex, and I think religious values when it comes to sex, dating, and courtship are badly anachronistic. I also believe in whatever floats your boat. So if you’re Catholic and want to wait, great, whatever makes you happy.

I have to mention though that I had an LTR, when I was much younger, with a devout Catholic and I “convinced” her to have premarital sex. There was no seduction, she simply changed her mind after our many debates. She ended up being totally fine with it and had sex with all of her subsequent partners. It’s certainly possible to affect someone’s values and have it come out positive, I just shy away from it.
BeenThruTheWars 5

You’ve been dating a short time. You’re the woman. You’re pressuring your man to have sex with you when he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to go beyond kissing. So not only are you ridiculing some of his most deeply cherished beliefs, and even considering trickery and seduction to MAKE him discard those beliefs and bend to your will, you are also determined to run the show in the bedroom.

I don’t see this working for a whole lot of reasons. He sounds a lot more mature and together than you do. Keep doing what you’re doing, and you’re gonna blow things with him (and I’m not talking about oral sex). Evan gave you great advice. If you can’t accept this man for all of who he is — not “tolerate” him, but truly accept him — then toss this fishie back and look elsewhere. Even if he does stick with you, you’re going to wind up making him miserable in the long run.
lrigecin 6

You gave her some really good advice. As a woman (over 30) who has waited to be married, I can tell you he will probably come to resent you. I know I felt and feel that way towards guys who have been the same with me. I never try to convince someone that my way is the right way. My friends, family, etc. are free to make their own choices (and yes I was raised Catholic). However, this is an important issue for me and one that I won’t compromise. If the guy I’m dating feels differently and premaritical sex is an important part of a relationship for him, I expect him to be mature and say so upfront and let both of us go on to someone more compatible. (Not that I bring it up on the first date – but when it is appropriate for where the relationship is heading). However, not all guys will respect that – they try to hang on because they think they can change my mind or want to “bag the virgin.” With these guys, sometimes I did the mature thing and just said that we weren’t compatible and broke it off. Other times, I intentionally upset them so much just to get back at how badly I thought and felt they treated me. In other words, this is a mean game you’re playing and the results could really end up hurting you. I’m now dating a nice man (also over 30) who agrees with me about premarital sex. In other words, there are better fits for both of you if both of you feel very strongly about what’s next in the relationship before marriage. You don’t want him to end up hating you because you tried to seduce him or kept insulting him treating him like he is backward or worse because he compromised his integrity and blames you for his downfall.
Paul 7

Evan,
that is the best response I have ever heard from you, in a along line of excellent responses I might add. Sounds to me like that nice, Christian virgin ought to be dumping her! She isn’t worth much more of his consideration and she certainly is showing her colors. He should never consider marrying her as unevenly yoked as they’d be. But my guess is he knows that, and despite his constantly be told he’s wrong in his views, or at least being thought of as wrong, it’s amazing he’s stayed around as long as he has. Hats off to him, whoever he is, and a slap on the old proverbial back for standing up for what he believes is right. And I totally agree with him btw…I’ve been married twice and don’t have quite the testosterone running through my veins as a 25 year old, and I have a hard time living pure, I can’t imagine what it would be like for a 25 year old virgin, to keep the virginity I mean. I. on the other hand, know what I’m missing…purhaps it’s easier to not know. But I have found that whatever is the prevailing political correctness, usually the opposite is truely correct. God clearly wants us to save ourselves for marriage for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is our own safety. I guess you’d have to be into that whole “Jesus thing”. To each his (or her) own, but I vote for the guy here…he sounds like a quality individual – more of the likes we need in this country.
Best of luck with your marriage Evan!
Paul
satexaslady 8

Very well said, Evan. Religion is important to people and Julia, your attitude is incredibly disrespectful towards someone you profess to care about. I’m a bit bothered with how callously you disregard his feelings and beliefs. You have a right to your feelings, but he does as well…He was willing to open up enough to you to admit that he was uncomfortable with oral sex. Unless you left something out, it seems he is willing to accept your position without condition. Either be willing to compromise or leave. It’s not fair to him. I’m not Jewish nor am I Catholic, but I have been on the receiving of the scenario Evan outlined to you. I was fine with his more conservative religious views. He was not fine with my more liberal views on religion and wanted to me to accept his views. I simply told him I was unwilling to do so. I was told I was going to hell. That’s his problem, not mine. You cannot force someone to believe as you do and you should not be so rude as to try to. It’s wrong.
Robert 9

Julia, this man may be the greatest thing since sliced bread but it sounds like you two are a bad match. As much as you enjoy each other’s company, your sexual attitudes are incompatible. That’s enough reason for you to get out of the relationship. There’s no right or wrong here. Just two people who are incompatible in one very important part of their relationship. Good luck.
Robert
Honestamente 10

JULIA, JULIA
She is soo lucky to find him, can she write his mail address (we want that guy for aur group), not everybody is dirty . I hope he open his eyes and move away from her. How about is we ask her to eat ” pork” in a FUN party night Julia , do you feel great with that idea?
Cute Redhead 11

I just want us all to remember this guy when someone starts going off on how “men” are and how “women” are regarding sex, marriage, birth control, etc. Clearly this guy is not into uncommitted sex and she is–breaks the stereotype. And there are men and women from other cultures, religions, and countries who bring different ways of doing the dating/mating thing to the table, too. There is no one way that works for everyone — it’s very individual. Let’s all please remember this before we go spouting generalizations about gender and sexual/relationship behavior.
downtowngal 12

“it is certainly not your place to tell anyone in the world that they need to come around to your way of thinking… ” Intersting you should say that Evan because in 2 recent letters, when it was a woman virgin writing in you advised each one to compromise her beliefs.

Are you saying that guys can’t change but women should? Or am I misinterpreting the messages?

I actually agree with you re: Julia. These two are young and it sounds as if they are incompatable in some ways that they may not be able to work out.
Ron 13

Cute Redhead – you hit the nail on the head. I’m waiting for JuJu to come along with her “he’s not a real man” insinuations.

After all, any man who is sensitive and will not drop his drawers at the drop of a hat and do his part to spread VD is no man at all.
hunter 14

to Julia,

Your man may not have been comfortable receiving oral, from his ex girlfriend, because she may have been terrible at it. I have been with divorced women that I have to keep reminding, all night, that a BJ is an expression, you don’t really do it. It is almost as if a woman can’t hear when she is in the sex act. Sometimes I say “ouch” or “that hurts” and they still don’t listen. Women wonder why I don’t stay for breakfast, the next morning!…..If your man has had, bad sexual experiences, he most likely, won’t have sex with you…..
Steve 15

@Cute Redhead, post #11

The existence of a small number of anomalies does not make a generalization untrue. It only means that instead of saying that ALL apples are red you say that MANY, if not MOST apples are red.

No, the apple talk is not code for some kind of sexual thing
Steve 16

@Lance, Honey & Evan. It is nice with everything going on in the country and the world to run across three atheists in one place.
Cathouse Teri 17

This isn’t a case of whether or not he refuses to wear black socks with his dress shoes. These are beliefs that make up a large part of his person. Julia is being very disrespectful and deceiving in first, not accepting him for who he is and who he isn’t and second, for not revealing who she is and who she isn’t.

Two major problems in people making bad relationship choices. Not genuinely offering up our REAL side and thinking we can change someone. I consider overcoming both of these things to be huge milestones in the world of grown ups. Julia’s got some growing up to do.
Honey 18

@Steve, #16–right on! The BF is an atheist, too, and I can think of at least two other friends
mic 19

Is it okay to seduce into sexual activity an unmarried, no-sex-before-marriage type? Is it okay to deliberately ‘forget’ to use birth control with someone who doesn’t want a child now? Perhaps being on the receiving end of that is a pitfall for a good-looking person. Perhaps people should learn to better read cues of character from appearance, as limited a help as that is.
Damie 20

Maybe he’s gay?… WHAT?!… someone had to say it.
JuJu 21

And why would I insinuate that?

Flattered by the attention, though.
hunter 22

Many, many, guys, do not know how to seduce a woman…..
starthrower68 23

I find it interesting that we choose someone who we know is polar opposite of us from the outset, then think we will change them to our way of thinking when we’re inconvienced by their convictions. This fellow has very firm boundaries in place and those are to be respected, not crossed. And, I will no doubt catch flack from the atheists, being pentocostal myself, but I think this guy is to be congratulated by standing on his faith. When you commit to that, the world doesn’t like it. Believe me, I know from experience!
Cute Redhead 24

Steve, #15: But if you’re looking for a yellow apple and someone is telling you that they don’t exist based on the predominance of red apples and, furthermore, that you have to change/give up/are weird because you want the yellow apple — well, you can imagine that that type of attitude would be annoying, especially when you, the yellow apple, have experience that supports your POV. When you are a minority yellow apple you tend to notice other yellow apples. When you are one of the predominant red apples, you tend not to notice the yellow apples because you get lots of support in believing that your way is “the way it is.”

We all get to want what we want.
Cute Redhead 25

And I, for my part, only need one exception to the “rule” — I don’t need a million guys who support it.
hunter 26

To Julia,

Yes, if you are that attracted to him!…
Marc 27

Julia – Wouldn’t your parents be much happier anyway if you weren’t having sex with a devout Jew?

Heed the advice of EMK. “Implicit in believing your own bullshit is the idea that people who disagree with you are WRONG.” — They should put that on a T-shirt!
Selena 28

Marc-

Yes, that sentence would be terrific on a T-shirt!

I’m copying that phrase down. I just know I will have occasions to use it. Maybe even on myself, lol.
Steve 29

“One man’s religion is another man’s belly laugh”
- Robert Heinlein
Steve 30

Implicit in believing your own bullshit is the idea that people who disagree with you are WRONG.

I have no problem with that. If I thought there was more than a passing possibility that a belief could be wrong, I would believe it in the first place.

In regards to religion, most people do not feel the need to be carefully agnostic about the existence of Thor. The reason for that is Thor is part of a culture that is past. Yahweh & Jesus are part of several current cultures.

IMHO, I don’t need to respect religious beliefs as serious contenders of truth in order to respect the feelings of people who hold those beliefs.

We live in a diverse world and what comes around goes around so I think the latter is of prime importance.

I judge a persons religion or their beliefs by how well they accept that fact and how well they play with others.
JuJu 31

All right, I finally found the time to read the article and all the comments.

While I don’t see cause for hunter’s conclusion in post 14, I can unfortunately relate to the sentiment. Some of my less enjoyable sexual experiences were with men who were more than willing to go down on me – sounds just fantastic in theory, doesn’t it? Only they were hopelessly bad at it. The ultimate kicker was that TELLING them how I want (well, need, really) it done, did NOT help – they were just not able to adjust their techniques.

But my views on the myopia of holding off till marriage are [apparently] widely known on these boards anyway.

Now, Ron, I don’t know why you keep bringing std’s into every discussion, but I do have to wonder if there is some sort of pathology here. One poster already mentioned the possibility of homosexuality. I just found myself thinking: his religious beliefs notwithstanding, what does he do about his sex drive? Afaik, masturbation is a big no-no in every major religion as well.

And us atheist Jews couldn’t care less about pork, Honestamente.
hunter 32

to juju, on post #31

My conclusion from, women causing me physical pain through the night. Surely, you have been with men that have a painful “bite” or have a very hard painful “touch”…….and they won’t listen to,,,,,,, “stop that, it hurts”…..
A-L 33

In regards to Juju’s #31:

I suspect the men who are abstaining get to be quite familiar with their hand. Yes, masturbation qualifies as a sin and all sins technically are equal. This being said, however, marriage is a sacrament which means that it’s REALLY important as a religious rite. Blemishing that with premarital sex would seem worse than just taking care of one’s sexual needs with masturbation, but then again, those are my $0.02 and not found anywhere in the bible. Take it for what it’s worth.
hunter 34

Juju on post #33

All sins are technically equal? Really? hmmmmh…
Selena 35

hunter, Re: #14

“I have been with divorced women that I have to keep reminding, all night, that a BJ is an expression, you don’t really do it.”

Made me laugh. I dated (very briefly) a man who climaxed within 5 sec. from oral. I never understood why the act was called a bj until I met him. I felt with him I could get away with just a whistle. You know the line from the old Lauren Bacall/Humphrey Bogart movie? “Just put your lips together and blow.”

Would’ve worked for him.
JuJu 36

Hunter, I am just saying, the dislike could be very well due to the religiosity in this case. If on top of that his orientation is “non-traditional”, that would make him feel all the more conflicted, given his views.
hunter 37

to selena on post #35

There is a technique,(similar to accupressure points) few women know about, on how to delay climaxing….
hunter 38

to juju on #36

Maybe you are right, I sense the man has been smothered/overly disciplined.
ktr899 39

I think that the gang is right about this one. I know growing up my girlfriends and I were very religious and were all against it. I guess in time either the world corrupted me or I lost my beliefs a bit, but I did change how I felt about pre-martial sex. However, some of my friends did not. I support them 100% and I know why they feel this way since I did feel this way at one time. I think if you don’t have compatible beliefs, then it won’t work. If he is really strong in his beliefs, which it seems like he is, you should never try and change that. If you do, you’ll feel guilty, he’ll feel terrible. It will never work out and in addition to being broken up, you’ll both be broken people. If you’re willing to wait then that’s another compromise, but really in the end it will just cause problems. I was reading a blog about this on vdateonline.com and the guy was dating this girl who used to sleep around and then decided to no longer. This could be a different story because her beliefs maybe weren’t as strong as your boyfriend. My advice, unfortunately you should probably try again with someone who is a bit less religious.
Michael Ejercito 40

Julia,

Can’t you just, you know…marry him?

Since he is so adamant about the issue, and you want to be in a relationship with him, why not marry him?

Because if you do not, he will find someone who will .
Bluegrass 41

If you do sleep together he will resent you and the relationship will be poisoned. Don’t go there, although its not nice for your ego, its a sort of rejection. But this is about his religion, not you.
Gail 42

Evan, i greatly appreciated your counsel to respect another person’s values instead of trying to seduce a person away from them. As a person of strong faith myself, i have experienced MANY times when a person who has tried to force or seduce me into doing something against my conscience, convictions, and/or religious convictions — even managers. That did nothing but create conflict and huge distrust.
I am a person that will try to compromise whenever possible when conflicts come up, trying to find a way of meeting a need in such a way that doesn’t compromise my convictions, but often it seems like i hit a power play or an “I’m right/you’re wrong” way of thinking. It has been my experience that people who are more liberal in their life styles and demand respect for thier life styles, are not willing to give that same respect to people who are conservative in their life styles. (Oh, by the way, i have found out that legally and constitutionally, forcing a person to go against any firmly held conviction/beliefe, directly religious or not, is considered Religious Harrassment and is protected under the law.)
And, just as an FYI, Even, since you are Jewish and in a “mixed marriage” and some of your readers might be, also …. there is religious option for Jewish/Gentile(Christian) couples for those who might be interested: attending a Messianic Judaism Synogugue. Technically, it is a branch of Christianity but its culture is decidedly Jewish. That is because about 50% of the members who are Jewish by birth but have accepted Jesus (Y’shua, in Hebrew) as their Messiah; the main distinguishing feature of Messianic Judaism is that its members do NOT assimilate and keep their Jewish life style and worship style. Their Gentile spouses are often Jewish in their hearts and enjoy the unity with thier Jewish spouse that Messianic Judaism gives them. This is esspecially true if the spouse is truly Jewish in their faith, having not accepted Y’shua as being G_d’s Messian. It was originally started by Jewish people who had accepted Y’shua as being G_d’s Messiah and couldn’t see how accepting Adoni’s Jewish Messiah to His Jewish People meant that they stopped being Jewish. At this point there are many Messianic Synogogues all over the world, even in Israel, so that one might be available for any person or couple who might be interested in trying out MJ. (MJ also has its own online web sites, particularly the MJAA, Messianic Jewish Alliance of America.)
(You have probably concluded by now that i am a member of Messianic Judaism; and you would be correct — although i am a member who is Gentile by birth, my heart and soul is very Jewish …. like Ruth’s was with Naomi.)

Shalom Shalom, Evan …. both you, your wife, and your family.
kendra 43

im a catholic myself and if u want to have a sex with him, u will have to marry him.

the rule of catholics; married first before having a sex.
Michael Ejercito 44

the rule of catholics; married first before having a sex.
Or go to confession after having sex outside of marriage.
nwwoman 45

I found this woman’s letter to be indicative of her inability to truly understand what the dating process is about. It’s certainly not about changing someone. It’s certainly not about tempting someone so much that they might give in to carnal desires, only to regret it later. (What kind of a loving woman does that?) It is about learning about someone so that you can make a decision as to whether or not you’ll be great mates, best friends, loving partners who can create a family, where the children grow up in a home where everyone is “singing on the same page.” This woman wants this man but she doesn’t want the person he is. I am Catholic. I come from a long line of Catholics. And no, I’m not brainwashed. There are people who make conscious decisions to be and live as a Catholic. When a Catholic’s child is baptized, a nonCatholic partner must agree that the child will grow up in the Catholic church. That’s easy for people who say they are Catholic but don’t practice. That’s very hard for nonCatholics who are married to a devout Catholic. It’s also so much better for the marriage partnership when both partners are Catholic, so they can enjoy the church community together, discuss church matters, grapple with religious issues from the same perspective, and find agreement on morals, values, sin, and virtue. I have a son who became involved with a woman who was bisexual, an atheist and who seemed to think that sex was the same as a handshake. She successfully tempted him, right into her bed. The following day, he said he would never see her again. Suddenly, he woke up and realized that this woman didn’t respect who he was at all. He could not imagine her as the mother to his children.

Leave him alone.
hunter 46

I agree with nwwoman, most women try to change men, and men, we wish women wouldn’t change.
starthrower68 47

Hunter, I would submit to you that most people try to change other people to their way of thinking and seeing the world. I will even conceed to this in my younger and more foolish days. Now, I have certain values and beliefs on which I will not compromise; sometimes it’s a deal breaker and sometimes it isn’t. If it is, then we are free to go our separate ways. Let someone be who they are and if your lives can’t fit together because of it, then that’s just how the cookie crumbles.
Honey 48

@ hunter and starthrower68…people don’t lie about who they are nearly as often as we lie to ourselves about who they are. One of the biggest misconceptions everyone has about the world is that, secretly, everyone is like them. Not so…

Honey´s last blog post…Being Picky’s No Picnic
starthrower68 49

Agreed, Honey.
hunter 50

Really, we secretly believe everyone else is like us?
Maria 51

I’m catholic, and I believe that the sexual part of the relationship is very important and should not be saved for marriage. If I can stand to be without it around my man, then that means only one thing- the physical attraction is not enough for me. It’s never going to work. Further, I know alot of catholics and they too have sex outside of marriage. He may have intimacy problems, be confused as to his orientation, or just not that into you. Or, worse yet, he has a very low sex drive- THE WORST!!!

As a general rule, if religion is fanatical on either side of a relationship, you really have to consider what you are getting into when your backgrounds are so very different. This is probably not a good match for you.
hunter 52

Maria, if all catholic women had your beliefs, they would all have male partners.
Maria 53

Thank you Hunter. Yes ..Sex is love, and so is food. The way a good catholic girl does it…fix him a great meal and then lay him down. Everyone’s happy. And might I add feeling closer to God
hunter 54

You ought to see the herds of single women that disagree with you!…
nwwoman 55

Maria — I’d like to suggest that you consider practicing Catholicism if you are saying to yourself and the world that you are Catholic. If you decide that you want sex with every male you are in love with, then certainly that is your choice but you should start saying that you are a non-practicing Catholic, as that is the reality.

We have ample people in this county, in particular, who seem to think that they can say they are Catholic but then do not practice Catholic beliefs. There’s nothing wrong with **not** being Catholic. Just don’t pretend.
Michael 56

If only the Catholic Church practiced Catholicism.

Read some history.
hunter 57

Humorous statement, Michael….LOL!…
Anna 58

As someone in your position it is extremely frustrating, you are lucky he actually was up front about it, it’s only harder the more you love him, mine never changed his mind, and I care about him too much to do it when he is unwilling. I’ve come around to agree with his religous beliefs, but do not have the strength to follow all of them, particularly this one. I’d like to think I will still be okay. And for those who suggested marriage, getting married before being with them for a couple of years is plain dumb. Learn to play with toys well and get yourself some good porn. However, never tell him about it. It will probably make him feel extremely uncomforable. And though you may wish for him to help you out, its probably something you’ll have to sacrifice.
James 59

Thank you for all the posts it really helpt me out of what to do. I met a girl who is great in every way, but yeah she’s Catholic and im cool with that except im a guy… and i want more out of life, I only live one. I was gonna try and change her mind like, but after reading this, I realise I was just being selfish.
I hope im making the right choice here.
joe 60

Let me jump in for I support HIS perspective. Here's the deal, I'm an athiest, non-drinker, non-drug-user, non-smoker, and (get ready) believe sex is exclusively for procreation. I'm healthy, educated, work hard, am strong but sensitive, athletic, attractive, kind, generous, and funny. Can't be all that bad because I've dated a LOT of women. The problem is, once finding out who I am, most say something stupid like, "…oh, I'm sure I can corrupt you." That always marks our LAST date. Listen, I am who I am. I even LIKE who I am. Why should I be expected to change for another. I've just dated the wrong "type." Just as he is apparently not your type. If being a devout Catholic is who your boyfriend is and wants to be, who are you to try to change him? That goes beyond selfish. I suggest you find someone else and perhaps he will do the same.
Phil 61

I would suggest perhaps comparing devout Catholic couples who wait until marriage to share in the marital act to modern-day people with no sexual morals. The devout Catholics are joyous because they recognize marriage for what it is, a loving union between a man and a woman.
On the other hand, secularists end up with one fling after another. They are damaged emotionally. The first time people have sex, they form a bond with the other. It is meant to endure. But it is violently broken in search of the next fling. Did you know that Catholics who follow the Church’s teachings on sexuality have a divorce rate of 1%, compared to the general population with 50%. Even the Catholic population has a double-digit divorce rate.
Your characterization of Catholics is wrong too. Catholicism does not teach that those who do not accept Jesus will automatically be damned.
Fernando 62

I would say that you (Julia) have an serious misconception on what it means to have a relationship. I wouldn’t matter if your boyfriend was Catholic, Muslim, Lutheran, etc. The point of a relationship is to be with a person that understands you as much as you understand them, to share your live and experiences with that person, to know that that will be there when you need them, and that they can always count on you to be there.
A relationship must always be based on love and understanding. However, if your conception of a relationship is the necessity of having sex, I don’t see how he should have to endure that from you.
In the end, should he the “the one”, you will eventually have sex once you are married, so what’s the rush? Anyways, sex is not just giving or receiving pleasure; sex is bonding your bodies and your feelings with that one person you love. Making love is to share you deepest intimacy with that one person that you know is destined to be with you. Of all the many special and beautiful connotations that sex can have, why would you have to denigrate it to the fact of just doing it for that sake of it?
If you are bound to be with your boyfriend, then you should respect his views. Otherwise, given that you are so eager so have sex, look for a boyfriend that is as free-willing as you and leave the man alone, as he obviously has a conception of life and marriage that is way more pure, mature and sincere that yours.
Goldie 63

As someone who’s been on both sides, and after reading the comments on both this and the other similar post (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-want-to-stop-having-sex-with-my-boyfriend-until-we-get-married/), I’d say it’s pretty clear to me that, if one person is very serious about their religion, and the other one non-religious/nominally religious, it’s not going to work. Time to move on.

Think about it, Julia’s BF really, honestly believes he will burn in hell for doing most of the things Julia considers routine and normal. Odds are high he is also being told he will burn in hell for being with Julia. How on earth is this ever going to work? It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

And marrying him, like it was suggested on this thread, is only going to make things worse. If you think now’s bad, wait till they get into a discussion on how their children should be raised. I just witnessed a marriage fall apart for these exact reasons – he’s a C&E Christian, she lives in church. They have young children. It’s not pretty

I’m probably going to be told that I made a big mistake, but during my first attempt at online dating this summer, I didn’t even answer any of the messages from anyone whose profile said anything other than “non-religious”. Sure, I limited my potential pool of candidates by a huge percentage, but my reasoning was that I was saving myself and the other person a lot of pain and arguing in the future. I consider the person’s religious views, or lack thereof, to be one of the most important things to them, and I do not expect anyone to compromise on those.
Karl R 64

Goldie said: (#63)
“I consider the person’s religious views, or lack thereof, to be one of the most important things to them, and I do not expect anyone to compromise on those.”

You might be surprised at what you can find out there.

I belong to a denomination that’s based upon shared values, but diverse religious beliefs (Unitarian Universalist, if you’re curious). I self-identify as christian. Of the three women from my church that I dated, one was a humanist, one was agnostic, and the third was wiccan.

I’m an active member of my church and a member of the choir. My girlfriend is fairly non-religious. She’s welcome to join me at church, but usually chooses not to. Since I see no need to change her (and vice versa), there isn’t any need for us to argue about it.

Despite the difference in our religious beliefs, our ethics and values are very similar. Shared values is one of the foundations of a good marriage.

Religion can be a big deal, but that’s not always the case. So I’d tend to agree that you unnecessarily limited your dating pool.
Goldie 65

I’ve heard good things about UU. However, UU members are pretty few and far between, and I’ll probably eventually meet them through my meetup group anyway

I do read people’s profiles, because you never know where someone stands. However what I’d usually see there were things like “I’m looking for a godly woman” or “my relationship with God is important to me, if it isn’t to you then don’t write”. I’m actually glad these people are saving me (and themselves) time by being upfront like this.
Chris 66

As a life-long Catholic (nwwoman – disagree with my view, but you can call me a ‘non-practicing’ Catholic the second I can call you a non-stupid moron), I notice for many in our faith (likely the cause of the stereotype) absolution, forgiveness, purge of guilt, and confession *AFTER* the act seem to be the focus of conviction. This is an observation. Seeing something doesn’t make me un-Catholic, any more than drawing breath alone makes us people. Maria has her perspective, and it is her choice. As Catholics, we often bear the stigma of town gossip, and nwwoman wears that gimmick proudly. She doesn’t speak for others, though, no matter how much she wishes she did. My girfriend is Catholic like me, but although she is a virgin she is eager not to be, and neither of us are close to pressing for marriage, although I know she is the ONE for me when that day comes. We are committed to each other, and I don’t believe sex between committed people who love each other is sinful in and of itself. Otherwise, confession would serve no purpose, and there would be no need for penance. I find the ones who judge the loudest often hide the most skeletons. Also an observation. To the girl who asked EMK for help, I hope you learn patience, and if you remain with this guy, accept him, talk with (not to) him, and things will work out. We Catholics enjoy debate. In short, talk, and maybe he will surprise you.
Denise 67

If she can’t support his mission in life, then this relationship will never work. (In this case, it’s the sexual part of his religion–to wait until marriage. It applies to any mission a man have–unless he has a lack of boundary/maturity in regard to incorporating balance in his life.) She will become resentful and have negative energy towards him, and he will be the object of all that.

I went out on a date with a man who said he skis all winter long, he’s not around much. That’s his mission/passion. I decided right there and then, although he was a great guy and I was attracted to him, I was not going to be happy with him being gone all winter. I knew I would be irritated and resentful and bitchy, and I didn’t want that negative drama in my life (assumed he wouldn’t want it either!). So I made the decision that was best for ME, which would by default be the best for both of us. Same exact thing here.

I gather the woman who wrote the original message to Evan is young and believes she can change a man–it’s a big mistake.
E 68

Absolutely in agreement with Evan. In fact, I think he’s even being a bit delicate; my immediate response was: how dare she? So you don’t agree with his beliefs; set him free to find someone who does!
When I met my first boyfriend, I was 19 and a virgin. I was a virgin because I hadn’t ever had any sort of physical contact before, and because I wanted to wait for love. I also didn’t see myself losing my virginity to the first boy I ever kissed. Said boyfriend spent all of his energies trying to seduce me – threats, bullying, all sorts of things. I was so young – if I’d known then what I know now, I’d have dumped him the first time he said I was ‘abnormal.’ Instead, I stayed with him for three years. We never had sex. I stuck to my guns and every time I think of that jerk I get angry. Because, listen – I understand that sex is a vital and healthy part of an adult relationship. I understand that most people will want and expect it. But those were my beliefs then – how dare he try to change them? He once even told me, “the first time shouldn’t be such a big deal.”
Her case is not one of trying to help him be more thoughtful or treat her with consideration. This is a case of fundamental conflicting beliefs. It is no one’s place to try to change anyone’s core values. I repeat myself again: how dare she.
S 69

KUDOS to you I’m impressed. YOU ARE AMAZING.
Christianliver123 70

Do NOT make him do ANYTHING he doesn’t want to. I am a catholic myself and very offended how you don’t care for what his beliefs are and what he thinks and believes. If you actually care about him you won’t try and change him! Catholics believe that premarital sex is wrong! Don’t do anything he doesn’t want to and don’t pressure him EVER!
Jonalyn 71

He is definitely gay. Hes uncomfortable with oral in the past and if he (as a man) can control himself to this extent either he is gay or has a non existent sex drive
Saint Stephen 72

@Jonalyn
I guess u’ve never heard about self discipline/control before.
Joseph 73

Julia
I am a Catholic guy and deeply so, and I can tell you right now he is even regretting wholeheartedly the oral sex saga he had and will not fall into the same predicament again. We believe that love and sex are not the same thing, sex or better known as “knowing one’s wife” is reserved for that special person that a man pours his heart and his life into, that one special person he will lay down his life for, the special person that will be his Queen for the rest of his days.

Pre-marital sex besides being wrong confuses courtship and one settles for the less than ideal life partner hence the skyrocketing divorce statistics, and as Catholics we don’t divorce hence the need to be sure before you jump in. Pre-marital sex is what we call fornication, adultery, sexual immorality, impurity and if he is like me then seduction will not work; if you get desperate and take off all your clothes, bend over, or open them wide or whatever, he will walk out and never look back and in future he will not stay in your company (just the two of you) where there are no other people and that will be the absolute end of the relationship (we avoid near occasions of sin).

In case you are wondering, I am not gay, I am a father of two. Please respect his morals, choices and beliefs even if you think he is wrong to think so.
Debra Aponte 74

Leave this man alone, as you are causing him to commit an act that he sees as immoral. Find someone who has similar attitudes as you do.
Glory 75

Julia I am an atheist with an old fuddy duddy jewish family and I have a catholic boyfriend. I convinced mine with reason and logic as well as temptation. It does work and there is no harm in it. Just do your best to convince him its not a bad thing. He’s an adult he should understand that its part of life. If hes that against it then I suggest leaving him and find someone new. Good luck!
Anna 76

I am devoutly Catholic and have dreamed of finding someone who can respect, and even share my values. I have never had a boyfriend. Whether or not you’re religious, pre-marital sex is just plain inappropriate, and I have had it with people saying that saving yourself for marriage is anachronistic. There’s no other respectful way. Women, and men, are not objects for you to exploit. There is nothing worse than after-thought marriages. We are stuck in a society that has gotten love all twisted and backward. The term is objectively disordered. That nice Catholic guy has no business dating this immoral woman. What’s up with the atheist Jewish thing anyway? If you’re not practicing the faith, you can’t use the label. I wish there was a nice Catholic, or Christian, guy who loved me. But I’m always odd-girl out.
james 77

Lance – you’re atheist and you believe in premarital sex…. dude, that makes no sense. there’s no premarital in atheism.
Karl R 78

james said: (#77)
“there’s no premarital in atheism.”

james,
You’re not making sense. Evan is an atheist. He’s married. I know lots of other atheists who are married. If/when they get married, the time before that marriage is “premarital”, by definition.

Due to the lack of stigma against sex amongst atheists, they quite frequently have sex prior to marriage, so that would be premarital sex.

Anna said: (#76)
“Whether or not you’re religious, pre-marital sex is just plain inappropriate, and I have had it with people saying that saving yourself for marriage is anachronistic. There’s no other respectful way.”

I respect my wife. I had premarital sex with her. Are you so arrogant as to believe that you understand my feelings towards my wife better than I do?

I’m willing to believe that you don’t respect my wife (or me) because we had premarital sex, But not everyone in the world feels the same way you do. I am perfectly capable of respecting my wife (and myself) even if you don’t.

Anna said: (#76)
“What’s up with the atheist Jewish thing anyway? If you’re not practicing the faith, you can’t use the label.”

“Can’t” use the label? Is there a law to stop Evan? Have you become the final arbiter of what is correct usage of the English language?

“Jewish” is used to refer to the religion and the ethnicity. Regardless of Evan’s religion, his ethnicity is unchanged.

Anna said: (#76)
“Women, and men, are not objects for you to exploit.”

I’m assuming that you’re using this definition of exploit: “to use selfishly for one’s own ends”
Let me know if you’re using a different definition of the term.

You believe my wife exploited me because we had sex before we got married? Since we both put effort in to make certain that our partner got the same pleasure out of sex as we did, how is her action selfish? Since we were both voluntary participants in the sex act, how was she using me?

Anna said: (#76)
“I wish there was a nice Catholic, or Christian, guy who loved me.”

Perhaps you express yourself poorly, but you sound very arrogant and judgmental in your post. If that’s the way you normally express yourself, then the nice Catholic and Christian guys probably get the same impression of you.

Generally speaking, nice Christian guys will be looking for nice Christian women. Most Christians will define “nice” by whether a person possesses Christian virtues … including a forgiving nature and humble attitude. If you’re coming across as arrogant and judgmental, then you’re broadcasting that you’re not a nice Christian woman (even if people are getting the wrong impression of you).

Perhaps if you learned to express yourself differently, you’d have more success.
jackie 79

Julia,please leave the man alone,am a woman who has kept herself sexually pure ever since i recommited my life to Christ,we christians believe that sex outside marriage is a sin,and it surely is as the Bible says. If a man was bent on making me fall in that area,i would never want to even look at him alone. Just leave him alone,he will get someone who has values like him. Actually your relationship will never work out,what kind of woman are you anyway? most descent women are looking for a man who can wait till marriage and you are throwing him to the wind? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm