My Constant Text Messaging Has Driven My Boyfriend Away. What Should I Do?
<< Previous Pages: 1 2
“Needy”, “desperate” and “stalker” are three of the first words that come to mind to describe that guy.
So please, for your own sake, stop trying to talk about important things via email or text.
He’s just being real with you – he’s excited about you and can’t wait to see you again. You can hardly blame him. Except you do blame him. You can’t help yourself. We automatically devalue someone who comes on too strong to us – especially if we haven’t sorted out our own feelings yet.
But hey, it’s just one guy. It’s a common mistake. You live, you learn, you move on.
The bigger lesson I get from your story is one I was actually discussing with a client yesterday on the phone. She was reading me emails that she wrote to her boyfriend about how she was upset that she hasn’t yet met his kids.
The emails were articulate, heartfelt…and utterly the worst possible way to communicate such an important relationship issue.
So please, for your own sake, stop trying to talk about important things via email or text. Way too many things can go wrong, from the absence of voice, tone, and nuance, to the simple fact that a person can ignore you for days at a time after you gave your deep, emotional confession.
I’m not sure if we communicate this way because we’re cowardly and afraid of confrontation, or if we’re trying hard to get our words just right by writing and rewriting, or if we actually think that texting “why r u ignoring me” is an effective way to change a relationship for the positive.
All I know is that without having the opportunity to listen to a human voice, process the information, and explain oneself patiently, it is next to impossible to have a productive discussion via email.
I mean, don’t things ALWAYS turn bad when you’re typing? Isn’t something always misconstrued when you can’t hear the speaker’s voice – when he/she doesn’t have a chance to respond to your reaction?
(And if you doubt me, just read the comments on this blog!)
Suffice it to say, Roberta, there’s no fixing what’s already been broken.
The next time around just keep in mind my cardinal rule for women, Don’t Do Anything.
If you really want to know where you stand with a guy, you don’t have to text him. Just pay attention to the last time he called to make plans. There’s nothing else you need to know.
Pages: 1 2 << previous
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
37 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Shay 1
Oh dear…this post struck a chord in me. Not about the texting or the frustration…but about letting the guy know too much too fast.
Is there a blog post about this topic? I need to learn this…fast. haha…or the guys I know would be all scared away.
A-L 2
I agree that the OP came on too strong, too soon. And I completely agree that texting is not the medium with which any serious matter should be discussed.
E-mail, however, I feel a bit differently about. I think there are some people who either don’t end up saying everything they want to say if they do it in-person, or things might come out wrong and go down a bad path, or… Personally, I’ve found that there are definite times when a e-mail has been a good way to put my thoughts and feelings out there, and then we’ve discussed them afterwards. I think that verbally discussing something is an important component, but think it’s perfectly okay to open up that conversation with the written word. Assuming, mind you, that this it is a real relationship and not the beginning stages of dating.
Sayanta 3
I agree with A-L- I’m a writer, so I definitely get my point across way better with words (unless I’m all steamed up- then I sound like I’m ranting).
JerseyGirl 4
She came off too strong but he sure shied away too quick. No woman wants to have to walk around on egg shells around a guy just because he can’t handle the more tough stuff. We actually look for men that can infact handle the tough stuff and stay strong handling it.
Honey 5
I agree about the texting – it is easy to overdo and doesn’t give you enough space to really say anything with nuance.
But as far as e-mail – since I have a PhD in rhetoric, that’s the only way to make sure I say everything I mean if it’s a conversation where that’s really important. Jake and I have a communication plan that we worked out when we had our first major disagreement, and it allows us both to use the communication styles that come easiest for us.
He prefers to talk, and I prefer to e-mail, so anytime we have a conversation I don’t say much and then send him a long e-mail later. It’s been working for almost 4 years, so to each their own
Steve 6
@JerseyGirl #4
She came off too strong but he sure shied away too quick
I don’t think you can have a “but” in that sentence and still have that sentence be considered sensible. She initiated the reaction which drew the response. A fairly common response to a stranger getting too familiar, too quickly. You don’t know he would have reacted had they been together for an appropriate amount of time for him to be her ear bending buddy.
Jennifer 7
Honey#5- That sounds like a great plan
Anette C 8
I found the daily e-mail and text a bit much, but in her defense, she has known him for 5 years.
If you know some-one for that long, and start dating do you really still need to follow the whole “do nothing” routine? Could some-one you’ve known for 5 years, discussed having a relationship with really fit into the same category of the new man in your life?
I’ve learnt the initial contact(let him chase) thing, but trying to find that point in the relationship where you can be a little more relaxed is really hard to do. I can never tell as I begin to feel increasingly passive and not myself. Sigh…
Zann 9
Roberta: Oh man. If you don’t give the guy a chance to initiate contact, how are you ever going to know that he truly wants to? And whatever your “usual” was before may not work now that you are working on being more than just friends. You want to know if this is a guy who is interested enough in you that he’ll initiate a call to you wiithin a reasonable amount of time. And the only way to really know that is to do the hard thing of practicing restraint and not initiating. I know that sounds passive and powerless, but I think it actually shows maturity and confidence, and is proof that you have a full life outside of a relationship and can independently make yourself happy. For most guys I know, this is an incredible turn on lets them relax. Do less, don’t play games, respond appropriately and with appreciation. If you never hear back from him, that says it all, and you move on. The reason is irrelevant, so don’t waste your time and energy insisting on an explanation. You’ve got better things to do & people to meet. And texting is for high school kids. I wish you well in the future.
JerseyGirl 10
Okay Steve, what if I said “and” instead of “but”. Either way, why doesn’t it make sense? She came on too strong and he was too quick to be scared away. That doesn’t make for a good male partner anyway. Women don’t want to be with guys that run off with the smallest hint that things won’t be easy. It wasn’t even a big problem, just a little one. Where would he be on the bigger issues? And apparently they weren’t strangers at all, they apparently knew each other for 5 years.
Jennifer 11
Roberta- Did you call and text him with that frequency over the last five years that you’ve known him? Probably not. He’s likely freaked out because you guys started dating and you made his worst nightmare come true- you turned into different person.
With that being said, I don’t blame you for being annoyed to not have communication returned for 2 days. You just need to temper your reaction a bit (I’d be saying the same thing if you were a guy).
And if you like to talk every day and he sees no problem letting days go by with no contact, then maybe he just isn’t the guy for you and you didn’t mess anything up.
And on a totally random, unrelated note, I’m really curious about why you go to bed so early?
Anette C 12
I’d like to say an initial thing about this. One thing I’ve learnt, is to never say “Let’s talk about it”. lol!! I will instigate a conversation if I need to, but it seems the entire “lets talk about it” is so horrifying to a guy, that they’d rather drive nails through their fingertips.
Yes, a lot of men “learn” to talk, but it’s not easy on them.
I wonder if this, more than anything else had something to do with the lack of response?
Steve 13
@JerseyGirl #10.
Sorry, I don’t think your “and” saved your “butt”
.
Personally, if someone started unloading on me too soon I would hope to respond to that in a polite way, even if confronted.
However, if you act a certain way you are going to get a certain kind of response so if you don’t want that response it is up to you to change how you act.
Mara 14
My friend (a girl) is one of those pesty, needy friends who does things like this. Even to me! She texts, if I don’t respond, she’ll start texting again, “Are you busy????” and then the calls start. It irks me enough that I won’t respond or apologize so that I can keep boundries. Anyways, she did the same thing to oh EVERY GUY SHE EVER MET. The thing is, she is really really pretty – like was voted most attractive in high school or something, one of those, so guys would always fall for her, and she would drive them away like crazy with exact behavior like the poster. And the guy would pull away. She’s engaged now, but only b/c she finally found a guy so socially inept and awkward that he’s just happy he got the pretty girl….She really was an equal opportunity dater – and even the balding, unemployed, bipolar, and 30 year olds in braces despite her beauty would all break up with her in the end. The calling and texting I think beyond coming off as desperate also sends a flag to the guy that you get “bored” a lot and can’t entertain yourself. One of my (hot) coworkers always complains when his actual girlfriend calls him too much and says, “Why does she call me when she’s bored….I never get bored. I love being myself! Sleep, watch tv, go for a run, I don’t want to talk on the phone!” So I think texting and then wanting responses just sends some message that you need reciprication/gratification and should in most cases be initiated. Watching my friend do this to guys was like watching a trainwreck, no matter how many times you tried to tactfully tell her DON’T DO IT!!!
JerseyGirl 15
Give me a break. They knew each other for 5 years. They have been dating and things have been going well. I’m not saying that she should “unload” on him every second she gets but if she can’t turn to him, then that’s just lame. Lets be honest. None of us are perfect and we all require certain amounts of patience and acceptance. He cut and run with very little reason. She needed communication. He ignored her for two days. Both didn’t handle the situaiton in the best way. Sometimes in relationships you make mistakes. If you cut and run everytime things turn difficult, then you aren’t ever going to be happy.
Selena 16
They’ve known each other for 5 yrs. They mutually decided to date. They had a usual (?) style of communicating twice a day and then for 2 days he ignores her completely. I too, would wonder what was up with him. As someone else noted, this is not a “new” person per se, it’s a 5 yr. person.
My guess is that he was having second thoughts about getting into a romantic relationship with her and tried slowing it down by not responding to her communications for a couple days. If he really wanted something going with her, he would have dropped her a quick call/email just to tell her he was swamped right now and would get back to her later. Sounds like he was pulling away even before she sent the *needy* text messages.
Probably wise she waited to have sex with him. Better to find out what he’s about before, rather than after.
Dope 17
Needy girls are a turnoff for non-needy males. And you don’t want needy males.
Diana 18
You wait until you hear from him again. Without knowing the specific words that you wrote to him regarding what you perceived to be his lacking communication, and the vibe it gave off, maybe he felt that you were chastising or criticizing him. Remember ~ what women say is not always what men hear. And he hasn’t responded to you since his apology because he doesn’t want to deal with more of the same. I have read that if a man feels that a woman is too much work, he’ll move on.
Joe 19
Hell, what women say isn’t always what they mean. :-p
True Love 20
This article is right on the spot, I remember having the same problem with a needy girl, ladies please don’t abuse your communication devices like phones, text massages, mails, twitter, personal notes, etc etc.
Karl R 21
Selena said: (#16)
“My guess is that he was having second thoughts about getting into a romantic relationship with her and tried slowing it down by not responding to her communications for a couple days.”
My guess is the same. He either wanted to slow down, or he wanted some space, or he was starting to pull away.
It’s been my experience that the proper response is to allow things to slow down, or give the person the space they want. Sometimes that’s all they need before they decide to continue pursuing the relationship. Sometimes they pull away completely. But if you try to pursue them harder, they will slam on the brakes harder, or want more space, or pull away faster.
Diana said: (#18)
“maybe he felt that you were chastising or criticizing him.”
Given Roberta’s description of her actions and her discription of his response, I’d almost guarantee that’s what he felt.
“I have read that if a man feels that a woman is too much work, he’ll move on.”
That’s generally correct. But there are a number of men who will make an exception for mind-blowing sex.
JerseyGirl 22
“Hell, what women say isn’t always what they mean. :-p”
That’s perfectly condesending Joe.
Joe 23
No more so than saying that what women say isn’t always what men hear. I don’t find that to be condescending, either.
Diana 24
I hope my comment has not been misconstrued, as there was no negativity intended.
Joe 25
I certainly didn’t read any negativity into it, just some truth.
Karl R 26
JerseyGirl said: (#10)
“Women don’t want to be with guys that run off with the smallest hint that things won’t be easy. It wasn’t even a big problem, just a little one. Where would he be on the bigger issues?”
Have you read this advice by Evan’s wife?
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/advice-from-a-single-dating-experts-girlfriend/
I think it’s pertinent to your statement.
You seem to be saying that a man ought to be able to put up with you venting over the little things. If you can’t, he’s not worth much as boyfriend material.
Most men would say, if she’s regularly going off over the little things, she’s probably not worth much as girlfriend material.
JerseyGirl 27
Karl, you ignored the part of my post where I said that she wasn’t necessarily in the right either for reacting the way she did. Let me qoute it for you:
JerseyGirl: I m not saying that she should unload on him every second she gets but if she can’t turn to him, then that’s just lame. Lets be honest. None of us are perfect and we all require certain amounts of patience and acceptance. He cut and run with very little reason. She needed communication. He ignored her for two days. Both didn’t handle the situaiton in the best way. Sometimes in relationships you make mistakes.
I don’t think your boyfriend should be your escape goat for every emotion you feel. However, sometimes it does happen. There are so many things men expect us to just acceot about them.
And in my eyes, this issue was quite minor compared to the harder things in life. If he is running now, he infact isn’t good boyfriend matieral for her.
Men don’t want to walk on eggshells around their girlfriends but girlfriends don’t want to have to walk on eggshells about their feelings around their boyfriend either.
I read the link you provided and I found it interesting. But I also will admit that I dislike how Evan blogs about accepting men for who they are while this blog clearly was telling women to change part of who they are.
Joe 28
JerseyGirl, just one question: do you think it’s possible for you to change the behavior of men?
Karl R 29
JerseyGirl said: (#27)
“I dislike how Evan blogs about accepting men for who they are while this blog clearly was telling women to change part of who they are.”
You’re mischaracterizing what Evan says.
If Evan is talking to you, he will advise you to accept men as they are, and change who you are.
If Evan is talking to me, he will advise me to accept women as they are, and change who I am.
The only person I can change is me. The only person you can change is you.
Most of Evan’s clients are women. Most of the questions he answers are from women. The majority of the people on this blog are women. Therefore, Evan is giving that piece of advice to women more frequently than men.
When Evan gives that piece of advice, there are two reactions he might get:
1. I’m right. They’re wrong. They should be the ones to change, not me.
- or -
2. I can’t change them. I can change me. I should change myself, or I should accept the situation as it is.
From what I can tell, you’re in the first set of people. I’m in the second set. If you look at option 2 carefully, you’ll notice that “right” and “wrong” aren’t part of the equation. That’s because they’re an irrelevant distraction.
I will admit, my ability to compartmentalize makes it easier for me to follow option 2, instead of getting hung up on option 1.
ladyfabu 30
What about the guy who says he prefers text or emails and not phone convos? Granted we did have some issues that were discussed by email and a convo about the possibility, but I have learned to back off, I have a life he does too. Still smarts when you send a brthday message over 22 days ago and it is not acknowledged most men don’t know what they want until after its gone then they have refret! I might add that this person is out of state and into his business so things can be challenging.
Laura 31
In the beginning of any relationship “less history, more mystery!!”
Cindy 32
@Mara your comments struck a nerve, my boyfriend is always asking for reassurance in our relationship. He also easily bored, and then he says he’s depressed. And recently he was laid off, and he misconstrued his relationship with his boss, expecting that his boss wouldn’t do this to him as they were ‘friends’. I just want to shake him and say “GET OVER II”. I believe it is a sign of a mature person to have realistic expectations in a relationship. Falling in love is grand, your partner staying in love with you requires …. self restraint.
starthrower68 33
I read somewhere – it currently escapes me – that a smart woman will not even have a guy she’s dating as friend on FaceBook (or other such social media) or on any of the intant messaging programs, because it provides too much temptation to check up on him and see who he’s talking to, what he’s doing, or to initiate contact when she is feeling emotional. Seems like a sound policy to me.
Dana 34
Hi Roberta,
in my opinion the biggest problem is actually that it was you who was making so much efforts and contacting him every day instead of it being the other way round. I am speaking from personal experience as few year ago after I had separated from my husband and not having that much experience with dating which includes the usage of mobile phones, I too made the mistake of texting a guy too much (sadly I had kept in touch more than he did) and as a result that eventually drove him away. I was very upset at the time but now when looking back I know he wasn’t the one for me anyway as he was only interested in occasional booty call. The lesson I have learned from this experience and from dating books and newsletters is that even though that it can be very frustrating not being able to do anything and only be able to wait, men hate being pursued by texting, emailing or calling, they prefer to be the one who is in charge when dating is involved and that is the way it is am afraid. Or at least that is the way I see it. Hope this helps at least a little.
saint stephen 35
@ starthrower68 #33
What is wrong in a lady initiating contact with her boyfriend when she is feeling emotional? whats the essence of having a boyfriend then? I’m a very busy person yet my girlfriend does that all the time, still i didn’t kick her away.
at least i knew what i was up for before entering the relationship.
Such emotional needy character has to do with the persons upbringing so you can’t change them, is either you love them the way they are or you leave them.
The problem here which every one has failed to realize is that the guy in this scenario do not love her sufficiently to be able to put up with the communicative/emotional/needy attitude.
enlightened 36
You should of have just texted him twice and left it something that shows you’re not completely heartless. By you texting him you kind made him think your needy and can’t life without him. I have spoken to many people about this the best thing is to leave it be. Do you want him to think you can’t live without him. Stop texting him and show him you can if he texts you be casual if he doesn’t then you know he’s not for you. Let him miss you, let him wonder why you stoped and if he really wants to know watch him chase for answers. P.s. agree with Mara that i have friend like that and i see her actions so i put myself in the guys shoes and I agree with jersey girl we can get swept up in emotions when texting a person but no matter what I have learnt it’s not worth losing your dignity and being known as the girl who was clingy for answers
MH 37
I’m just as guilty with this and probably have scared guys off. It’s best to wait for a response and if you don’t get one, don’t stress over it.