My Crush Jokes About Being Gay Too Much. Should I Be Concerned?
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Dear Evan,
There is this guy whom I like. Mark seems as though he is a decent person. However, there is something very curious about him. He can be very expressive, and well, that is amazing (for a Marlboro-type Man). Of course, he will go right back into his shell and be extremely quiet, but in those moments that he speaks his mind, it’s usually very powerful and I am often times stunned (in a good way).
Anyway, Mark and this other guy, Brandon, have this interesting exchange about how they will be a couple one day. I came across it because Mark, Brandon and I are on the same online forum. I just joined the forum a few months ago, but apparently, this whole dialogue about being a couple was started by Brandon a few years ago.
Mark does not seem gay. I do not know if he is bisexual, and now that I think about it, I think it’s high time I asked. I am not sure whether I would have a problem with that, per se. It does not appear that Mark and Brandon are in a relationship. I must say that they are very playful and the dialogue that occurs between them is interesting to watch. It really is something else. From what I have seen on the forum, Brandon will lay it on THICK, but Mark does not reciprocate those feelings. Brandon’s comments usually get nothing more than a “you’re too much” or something like that. It comes off as an unrequited love sort of thing.
If Mark isn’t gay, he’s certainly in line to star in “I Love You, Man II: Laying it On THICK”.
I asked Mark about it and he did not hide in any way about who Brandon is. Surprisingly, he was very open. He told me that he doesn’t go around saying guys are cute, but that he thinks that Brandon is cute and I would actually have to agree with his opinion. I thought Brandon was a female from his photo.
What gets me is that if Mark is not gay/bisexual, then why would he continue that whole dialogue? They’re friends? It boosts his ego/confidence that much? Is he that bored? Is he that nice that he doesn’t want to hurt Brandon’s feelings? Do I applaud Mark for not being homophobic or is what’s happening going way too far? Before I knew about this situation, Mark said he wants to be with me, but I am not sure I should take him seriously and am a bit hesitant now.
I do not know what to think. Is it a big deal? I am extremely puzzled. Mark and I are pretty much together already, so I think I will just watch the situation and keep my eyes open – wide open.
Any thoughts that you may have will be a great help. Thank you for your time!
Aki
If Mark isn’t gay, he’s certainly in line to star in “I Love You, Man II: Laying it On THICK”.
Hey, I should know about such things.
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11 Comments »Filed Under Sex
Karl R 1
Aki said:
“Before I knew about this situation, Mark said he wants to be with me,”
“Mark and I are pretty much together already,”
If Mark says he wants to be with you and the two of you are together, then it doesn’t matter whether Mark is bisexual or not. (And as long as it’s moving from “pretty much together” to “together”, then the same advice applies.) As far as I know, bisexuals are just as capable of fidelity as anyone else; my personal experience dating bisexuals certainly supports this.
But if you want to get answers, you’ll probably get them fastest if you just ask Mark.
Selena 2
“Mark does not seem gay. I do not know if he is bisexual, and now that I think about it, I think it’s high time I asked.”
Yes I would think so. I would have long before I became “together” with him. Like when he first seemed interested in ME: “So what’s the deal with you and Brandon? Do you have a thing going?”
What’s so difficult about that?
lola 3
Really weird. I don’t think I would move forward. Plus, I have many, many male friends. I have never heard(even in their weakest, drunkest, dumbest moment) call another man ‘cute’.
Steve 4
@Aki, I think Karl’s advice in post #1 is the way to go. However, you might be better off, first, letting Mark know that you are interested in being in a couple with him and if not, you are just as happy to be his friend as you think he is cool. Then, ask him if he is interested in Brandon or men in general.
Mark may not know. Mark may not answer honestly.
The best fall back advice is Evan’s standard: look at how he treats you and ask yourself if you are happy with that.
Sayanta 5
Evan’s personal story pissed me off- only because stereotyping, in general, just really pisses me off.
Interestingly, the same thing happened to me in college. Apparently, a lot of people thought I was lesbian. I couldn’t understand why they thought this, since I had a crush on a new guy pretty much every week. Well….I found out from friends that it was because I 1) Wore my hair short at the time, and 2) Looked angry a lot. For the record, I was angry a lot at that particular time because I was going through some heavy personal issues.
So- this is how people came to a certain decision about me 1) My haircut, and 2) An expression on my face. And of course all lesbians walk around with short hair and angry expressions all the time, right?
Just like a straight guy is incapable of being well-rounded, empathetic, and attractive, right? Sheesh….no wonder society is in the state it’s in. Sometimes I think a nunnery is the best option for me- at least Hindu/Buddhist ascetics are unlikely to make ridiculous stereotypes about people, considering their minds are expanded and everything.
PS- One more thing- a lot of gay men, sadly, have grown up with a lot of self-hatred because of their sexual identity. Of course, prejudice and self-hatred still do exist. But Evan’s professor said that because gay men are generally good-looking, articulate, etc. to take it as a compliment. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that statement on its face, right? But there’s that underlying notion there, per my previous statement, that straight men are the obvious opposite. What’s the opposite of good-looking, articulate, and sensitive? Neanderthal. So it’s okay to think of straight men as fat, ugly, stupid slobs.
Well, what if you eliminate gender here and substitute race? Say a light-skinned Puerto Rican person, for example, asks his professor why everyone thinks he’s white. The professor says, “Oh, well, white people are generally good-looking and intelligent and articulate. Take it as a compliment.” How do you think people would react to this?
It’s the same thing here….only, because gay men have been horribly treated over the centuries, some of us think it’s okay for these ‘good’ stereotypes (if there is such a thing) to exist to ‘alleviate’ the past somewhat. I say it’s bullshit. I could go on and on about this, but I won’t because I’ll be typing forever. The real thing is, how do we solve this stereotyping problem- we’ve all seen that it does no good. I have no answers, other than to avoid making such stereotypes myself.
moonsical 6
I think there’s a little, “gay,” in all of us, isn’t there? I have observed my flamingly heterosexual man friends facebook banter to each other, “You so pretty,” etc. Meaning, the man being addressed has a, “look,” going on. I don’t think they want to get down with each other. The comments are belittling and acknowledging at the same time. “What’s with the movie star hair?” These are attractive men, irritating each other.
Just come out with it and ask, is what I say. Decide then how you want to proceed.
moon
Marc 7
I’m with Lola. Straight dudes don’t call each other “cute.”
Marc´s last blog post…Is Facebook the new blow-off?
mic 8
Some people wonder why many heterosexual men are terrified of seeming gay. Part of it is that women, probably for primal reasons, don’t want to be with men who might turn out to not be heterosexual. It’s not rare for younger men to be sexually confused. If a woman becomes attached to such a man, it could be a disaster for her. (Even if she does not get pregnant and have to worry about provisioning, it could take years for her physiological attachment to disappear.) So acting and looking in ways that aren’t clearly hetersexual can backfire for men, even when there’s preexisting female interest, like on a date.
casualencounters.com/blog 9
I joke about being gay with my male friends a lot, often to defuse situations that might otherwise become tense, or sometimes just for the lulz. If he’s straight (rimshot) with you about it, I wouldn’t worry too much.
Take Evan’s advice and worry more about whether or not he’s into YOU.
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Weekly Roundup – Top 10 Casual Sex Links from Around the Web
Drew 10
I always make homo jokes with my close guy friends and my girlfriend has never had a serious problem with it. I mean, every once in a while I’ll just go up and grab my friend’s man boob and there’s no issues.
I tweeted this post on @RomanceTips. You’ve got a lot of good content here. Feel free to forward me what you think is your best stuff and I’d love to help promote it!
Damien 11
First of all, your entire story sounds like a crock of shit because it’s perfectly written and crafted — hardly something one is used to seeing in an internet forum like this. The fake-ness of your question notwithstanding, there may very well be someone out there who is in this situation. Primarily – there is NO SUCH THING as bisexuality as a true lifestyle outside of prison life or policies of both male and female prostitution. Often, the very first words uttered by a gay youth will be something like, “He’s so goodlooking eve that I would even have sex with him…and I’m straight.” It’s sad, but true. If a guy seeks out attention from other guys or enjoys it, odds are that he is homosexual and has skillfully buried it in a mind where he hits on “chicks” or perhaps even goes so far as to take a passive role in gay sex. He may seek oral sex with other guys and when confronted with that reality he will say things like, “My chick is cool with it.” How many of you have seen or heard these words from the big muscle dude nobody would suspect? Here’s the thing, you are either heterosexual or homosexual, you are never both. Bisexuality is a fake word. Many heterosexuals engage in homosexual behavior but there’s always a deeper issue. Staright guys do not have sex with men. Once they do, they have served notice tha they are gay