My Ex Girlfriend Wants To Be Friends With Benefits But I Still Have Feelings For Her
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Dear Evan,
I broke up with my girlfriend of 11 months three months ago. I pulled the trigger but I think that if I hadn’t she would have within a month, we were fighting so much. We are both young (20-21) and in college, and were both each others’ first real relationship.
My problem is that, after cutting all contact with her for two months, I have recently started having sex with her again. Her idea. I initially rejected her offer out of spite (and to keep myself from developing feelings again), but she was persistent and so my “other” head won out over my rational head, as often happens.
Predictably, I think I have developed feelings for her again. These are not rational feelings. Logically, I know I do not want to be with her because 1) it’s over and I want to meet someone new, and I am actively pursuing other women (I have a date tomorrow in fact), and 2) she said and did some things that really hurt me while we were dating and I don’t want to go through that again.
But it’s not just the sex I like… she’s wonderful to hang out with, we have great interpersonal chemistry, she lends me CDs, always offers to help me with stuff, etc. I am also pretty introverted, so my social life takes a big hit if I cut her out of it.
In a moment of weakness where I brought up the possibility of a relationship again, she made it quite clear she does not want to be with me, beyond friends with benefits. Her rationale is, “I’m attracted to you, we’re compatible in bed and I love hanging out with you, but I can’t see me spending the rest of my life with you. Our values are too different.”
Simply, the alternative of reinventing your life is a lot less appealing than keeping up your unpleasant status quo.
My concern is that she will find someone before I do, and thus I will be alone and devastated, feeling used as a filler. We have discussed this and she says she wouldn’t feel that way if I found someone first… a bit jealous maybe, but not devastated. I know the best decision is to just STOP seeing her. I have made repeated attempts to do this, but they all ultimately fail. I don’t call her and she doesn’t call me, but we run into each other, and end up in bed every time. This is all my own failing, because she has made clear to me EXACTLY what she wants, with no pretense. Nobody is leading anybody on. I can tell her no any time I want… yet I never do.
Should I just suck it up and enjoy what I have while it lasts, or actively avoid her if I run into her? I’m confused as hell and I don’t know what I want.
R
Thanks for the email reminder, R, that relationship questions know no gender boundaries. You’re the traditional woman in this scenario, and I’m pretty sure that any woman here could tell you EXACTLY what to do.
But since you asked me, and I’m a guy, I’m going to lay it out for you in guy terms.
You had a good thing going that went bad. And what you’ve now discovered, at 21, is that, often having something flawed is better than having nothing.
This would explain why we stay in dead-end jobs and dysfunctional relationships way past their expiration dates. Simply, the alternative of reinventing your life is a lot less appealing than keeping up your unpleasant status quo.
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43 Comments »Filed Under Sex
mic 1
“Introverted,” slow “social life,” and “My concern is that she will find someone before I do, and thus I will be alone and devastated, feeling used as a filler.” Part of the issue is confidence? Then work on yourself, your skills. If appearance is part of that – though her attraction suggests it can’t be that bad – work on it. Exercise is a great way to improve the mental state and the physical state at the same time. And, of course, the “no contact rule.”
Honey 2
Yes, it’s time for the “no contact rule,” which we all invent at almost exactly the same time – first year of college or so, after our first “real” relationship.
Honey´s last blog post…How Much Do You Care That Spitzer Nailed a Hooker and Can He Save Our Economy?
vino 3
R,
You are 20-21. My belief is that people your age are do not know who they are, are usually a bit immature, and therefore shouldn’t have girlfriends/boyfriends.
More to the point, relationships breaking apart are kind of like breaking a bone. A crisp, clean break usually heals faster (and some may argue stronger). A jagged, break with shards is usually more complicated to fix, and takes longer to heal and rehabilitate.
Go with the crisp, clean break.
dadshouse 4
Very interesting post and response. I had a similar experience where a girlfriend and I broke up, then three months later she wanted to get back together for sex: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/03/05/putting-the-ex-in-sex/
My situation is very different from R. R is 21, and is learning how to act in relationships. Breakups are part of the territory. Think about it – how many people are in one romantic relationship for their entire lives? Almost none. So Evan’s advice to R is spot on – don’t do it. Learn how to deal with rejection. Close this door and know that another will open. Move on. You deserve better.
For me: I’m a single dad in my 40s. Dating is complicated. I’ve had tons of girlfriends, a wife, kids, career, you name it. Finding a woman who is at my same life stage is tough. In that respect, a friends with benefits situation is sort of okay to me.
My ex-girlfriend and I hooked up post-breakup, and stayed together as lovers for almost a year. She’s now ready to move on and find a man who she can have children with (I’m done having kids). I’m ready to move on and find a partner to be with when my children head off to college (in the next few years). But for this one year, at my age and in my circumstance, having a lover was perfect.
Nice column, Evan. Always great advice.
dadshouse´s last blog post…Spring Fever Contest With Prizes!
Steve 5
I asked a friend about FWB recently. She is a psychotherapist nearing the end of more than 3 decade long career counseling people. She is well *salted*. According to my friend, a FWB relationship will likely not work unless both people are actively dating.
Steve 6
Honey, you are right!
Selena 7
Friends with benefits is great conceptually; but once someone develops feelings, it all falls apart. ” – Evan Marc Katz
Yep. Truer words were never spoken.
Many of us have tried this with former lovers and unfortunately it seldom, if ever, works for very long. Most people can’t turn off their feelings like a faucet. Better to deal with the void. It takes time, but it does close.
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Sayanta 9
OK- this sounds harsh, but R sounds like he’s got no life/interests of his own. Therein lies the problem. If I were him, I’d try to fix that first before I even THINK about relationships. And if you feel that your happiness is dependent on having a girlfriend and nothing else, I’d do some serious soul-searching and possible therapy to find a life purpose (please don’t tell me yours is finding a girlfriend).
Honey 10
Thanks, Steve! It happens every so often
Honey´s last blog post…How Much Do You Care That Spitzer Nailed a Hooker and Can He Save Our Economy?
hunter 11
Just stay with the FWB, it is a well known fact, women think they can handle it, but, it won’t last.
David Gideon 12
Whatever you do.. don’t be needy. Keep dating other girls, recognize there’s plenty of “fish in the sea”, and keep hanging out with your ex if you want to as well.
Once you start getting more serious with another girl your ex will most likely start saying she wants to be with you again… this is just her competitive juices flowing. You can do what you want with that info.. but recognize that’s all it is.
I recommend you keep dating and find a girl who really appreciates you and wants to be with you on your terms.
David Gideon´s last blog post…Neil Strauss Dating Course Part 9
Steve 13
Selena, post #7
Well put:
Better to deal with the void. It takes time, but it does close.
searchingwithin 14
The way I see it, you both are using each other. She is using you for shag now and then, and you are using her for your social status, and a shag.
Although there are always those few exceptions to the rule, but FWB do not work for both people. There is always one who is going to get hurt before it is through, and you are not only delaying the pain, but also building it.
Best Wishes
searchingwithin´s last blog post…TGIF – The Five Best Love and Relationships Articles From Around the Web – #2
Michael 15
Just stay with the FWB, it is a well known fact, women think they can handle it, but, it won’t last.
Why can’t women handle FWB?
JB 16
“she lends me CDs” WOW ! I don’t think any other woman will do that…lol She’s a “keeper” !
Maria 17
R,
Try RADIO SILENCE…that is what I have done in your exact situation. Tell her you need your space and you’ll call in a few days. Then don’t call. Hopefully you will be over her by the time you bump into her. Then you can give a sincere hug and a “hey you!”
Jennifer 18
@Steve # 6- I agree with you that both people should be actively dating for it to work. Sometimes men and woman have used their FWB relationships to keep things from going too fast too soon with people that they were dating that they really wanted a relationship with. The ‘danger’ of course is always one person going on to a real relationship first and the other one feeling a bit annoyed (not always hurt, but sometimes).
So in R’s case it won’t work because he still has feelings for his ex. And going into a FWB situation with feelings means that it’s not truly FWB at all…just a long, drawn out, messy break-up.
Michael 19
The danger of course is always one person going on to a real relationship first and the other one feeling a bit annoyed (not always hurt, but sometimes).
Of course, that danger can also happen in FWOB relationships.
casualencounters.com/blog 20
@Selena You just have to kill that part of you inside that cares. Guys find it a little easier–but courage! It can be done!
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Grainy penis photos for casual encounters
Selena 21
@Casualencounters:
I’ve found it’s much better to find the courage to let the ex go.
Then go on to be open to a new relationship, instead of dragging the previous one out in a wussy FWB thing with someone you KNOW you need to let go of.
It can be done!
Maria 22
Right on Selena!! and…High Five
Kristyn 23
I love reading the comments almost as much as the blog!! Sometimes its really hard to let go of the hope that it might be something more if you just hang around.
casualencounters.com/blog 24
Well, if you’re dead inside there’s nothing stopping you from FWBing and pursuing a relationship with someone else at the same time. Without awkward human emotion screwing up the picture, all kinds of things become possible.
I mean we’re assuming the FWB is on the same page here, and one can avoid the kind of emotional entanglement that Evan mentions.
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Grainy penis photos for casual encounters
Selena 25
If I were dead inside why would I want a relationship of any kind with someone?
Moreover, why would I want a relationship of any kind with someone who was dead inside? Lacking human emotion?
The picture you paint is quite dismal and depressing. Why bother?
hunter 26
Kristyn on #23, that is what is called, he or she is “bonded”.
hunter 27
CasualE…on #24, a post-menopausal female can avoid the emotional entanglement.
Jonsi 28
Her wanting to be FWB with you, knowing that you are still attached, have feelings, and desire a relationship, is equivalent to saying “I don’t love you. I don’t think you are worth pursuing a future. But even though you love me, can we still fuck while I go on dates with other men until I meet someone who I think is better than you?” A little harsh? Not really, not in application.
Like Honey said, at your age is when most people realize — after trying to be friends immediately after a breakup and then witnessing the person you still pine for dating and sleeping with other people — that it is best to make a cold turkey, clean break. This does not mean ignore her if you run into her or completely avoiding her. But it does mean that it is ok to invite yourself along for drinks with your physics study group instead of going to a party with your ex gf. You can even say “I’m sick of hanging out around my ex gf every weekend and I want to meet new people.” No one is going to care as long as you don’t spend all night whining about your ex.
I’d recommend waiting until next fall to attempt a friendship with her. Hopefully at that time you can be JUST friends. Maybe you can even be FWB. But basically, unless you can witness her making out with another guy in front of you and are capable of saying — “I am happy she found someone she clicks with. Her and I aren’t right for each other, but I want her to be happy” — then it’s best to not see her at all.
Learning how to recover from a breakup and re-entering the dating pool is a valuable skill. It will lead to healthier relationship, better work productivity following future breakups, etc. You are at the perfect age to learn these things.
Michael 29
Moreover, why would I want a relationship of any kind with someone who was dead inside? Lacking human emotion?
FWB does not equal relationship.
Think of FWB as just that- friendship that includes a common activity. After all, friends do a lot of common activities together. There is no reason sex can not be one of those activities.
Selena 30
I wonder how many true FWB relationships exist. That is, you were great friends to begin with and decide “What the hell, let’s just have sex sometimes, it’s just another activity after all we can share.”
How many people can do this for a year, (years?) without developing stronger romantic, territorial, feelings toward their friend? Without jealousy issues? Disregard for a certain level of promiscuity? What happens when your FWB prefers sex with someone else over you? Ends it when you want to keep it going? What happens to the friendship if they fall in love with someone else? Does it still exist in it’s pre-benefits form? Or is it discontinued altogether because the friend has now rather taken on the status of an ex?
I know many people who have tried FWB at one time (myself included), but I know of very few who were able to sustain such a relationship for longer than a few months. Or without some kind of complications – on either side. Are FWB relationships by nature destined to be short-lived?
Michael 31
Are FWB relationships by nature destined to be short-lived?
Yes, because it is almost certain to turn into an FWOB relationship if one or the other enters into a real relationship.
FWB is no substitute for a real relationship.
hunter 32
Selena, my married sister, has two married girlfriends, that talk about having, FWB’s, one FWB went 8 years, the other 11 years.
Selena 33
Hunter,
Interesting because the I know a man who said he had an FWB with a MARRIED woman for 18 years.
Maybe FWB’s work better when one partner is married, opposed to both being single?
hunter 34
Maybe, I have heard therapist tell women, find 2 men, one for his money, and the other for his sex. Can’t have one do both things.
mary 35
get this: my so-called bf leaves me for 6 to 8 months a year to spend time with his mommy to go partying at bars, shows, renfair, nam show, you name it.
i am not welcome to go with them; in fact, there is a demonstration of histrionics on their part before every event to insure i am not included.
my not being present–according to what bf has reported to me–makes it more convenient for him to hook up with other bitches.
heh yeah. what’s funny is that he isn’t nearly hot enough to pull that shit off. i am, though.
yet, i wouldn’t do that to another human being. for whatever reason i went through this nonsense with him, i know someone out there deserves the sensitivity i have, and the respect for humanity everyone deserves.
it is over, most definitely. i deserve to be without bottom feeders dragging me down.
advice to get my ex back 36
Just stop playing that kind of messy game. Try to give her the respect she must have as a girl or teach her to respect her self. Sorry but I always find relationships sacred.
TJ 37
No doubt about it. Being 21 and in college is an awkward and scary point in life for some. College, living on your own, the real world, finding a job, relationships, new friends, and the best and most important part – making decisions on your own. Life is all about living and learning from our positive and negative experiences. This is how we grow and become the wise man with gray hair. No matter what the outcome of this predicament you have yourself caught up in, you will have learned a valuable lesson in the end. Whether it be “never give up hope” because you look back 20 years from now married to this girl and were thankful you didn’t quit on her OR you learn that trying to piece together a broken puzzle with missing pieces is simply a lost cause and a huge waste of time and energy that could be spent meeting someone new and exciting. Whatever the path you take, you will have LIVED. This is what life is all about. Making mistakes is part of it. Don’t worry about things so much as life has a crazy way of always working itself out. Embrace the air you breath today for it could be your last at any minute and don’t worry! There will be a day you look back with great wisdom and laugh about it for it was an exciting and confusing time in your life. Don’t sweat it man, but do realize their may be emotional consequences that could possibly follow if the wrong path is taken. Yet, being human, this is what makes life worth living. Experiencing the good and the bad. For without it, what’s the purpose? Good Luck.
Bob teh Knob 38
DON’T DO IT.
Joe simo 39
You are both very young and this being your first for each other makes it that much harder to let eachother go and move on I’m not saying that’s the best thing to do, but my theory in life is” if you are happy and the people you care about are too that’s all that matters” for instance you can have all the money in the world and anything you want but that counts for nothing if your un happy . Don’t hurt eachother and stay friends always you will regret it if u don’t all the best
Clayton 40
It may seem like a good idea to hang out with her, but you will continue to be introvert if you don’t spend time working on meeting new people. If you do not want a relationship, not does she, avoid continuing the sex. It will, as you described, make you feel worse in the end. Meet new people, cut her out…until there are zero feelings left.
Mike 41
Having some sex, is better than having no sex. Look at it this way you don’t have to work and pay for dates for either a few weeks or up until your married if you get one of those “old fashion” girls. Just take what you can get and if she finds someone else before you do, just make sure to hide your emotions when you are around her. Make it look like everything in your life is perfect and then if you are like me you will want to work as hard as you can to make her jealous.
But again the sex you can get is worth it.
Erin 42
well, i guess im one of the very few women that is actually perfectly content with having my ex as a fwb. we have tried the friends with benefits thing one other time in the past, but it wasnt working because we were both still angry at each other about the breakup. this time, its actually working, at least for me it is. i do not want to get back together with him, but im starting to sense that he is slowly regaining his feeling of love for me. i have talked to him and told him that i still care about him as a friend, but i just dont see a future with him. he says he is ok with that, but his actions say something different. maybe im wrong, idk. im just using him for sex and he claims to be doing the same. i know alot of people are saying that its not a good idea to continue sleeping together because it always ends up with feelings getting hurt and hearts being broken for the other person. but what if the other person already knows this, yet still seems to get mad when you have to keep telling them youre just using them for sex and nothing more? in my case, i do not feel the slightest bit of guilt when we have sex. yeah, he may want to be more than just friends with benefits, but he already knows the deal and is choosing to continue to sleep with me so, again, why should i feel guilty? lol. i look at it as….if you cant handle the fact that i just want to remain fwb, then maybe you should stop sleeping with me. right? i am not going to stop sleeping with my ex until he doesnt want to anymore. hey, a girls gotta get her jollies off just as much as guys do. lol. my ex and i have been sleeping together for a year or so and i still havent developed feelings for him and i probably never will. its just sex for me. oh well, he will leave once he gets tired of fwb. so, in my opinion, i think fwb can work, even if its one sided. haha. what can i say? im selfish.
dave 43
Erin you sound EXACTLY like my ex (FWB). What your doing is evil, but it’s a fruit which can’t be left alone for us in love with our ex. If I could be strong enough to stay away from her and not have sex with her then I would. She’s doing the whole “I don’t want a realationship with anyone I just want to get to know myself better…” 2 months later “omg I actually can’t live without your dick” we were together for a couple of years and I love her more then life itself… so how do I say “No I need to stay away from you” when I’d choose being with her over anything. I’m a bit of a womaniser as well and I’ve been with a few since my ex which has done nothing for me, I’m going on dates with other women ect, (apparently ex is not, she’s getting to know herself better… if you believe that) lol I’m only having sex with her because 1) I love it. 2) Love her 3) It’s there for the taking… blah blah was gonna make a massive list
but yeah another main reason is “Maybe she will decide to take me back on full time?” “Maybe if I find someone else and finish my FWB with my ex she’ll realise that she needs me ect”
I think we cling on to our ex’s who we still love simply because if we totally cut them off we’ll never know what “could of happened” but I know and im sure anyone else in this sort of situation knows, “I’m going to get hurt” but if the odds are 95% i’ll get hurt and 5% I’ll live happily ever after then I’m ready to roll the dice. Cause she’s worth the risk… but after going through this, I would NEVER EVER do it someone