My Extra 15 Pounds Are Ruining My Dating Life
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I’d like to take a second for you to consider the plight of James. James is 39, never married, but he’s good marriage material. For years, James was a mortgage broker outside Miami, until the real estate market collapsed. At the height of his career, he was pulling in $175,000 a year. Four years later, he can’t even find work in his chosen field, and is being forced to reinvent himself – at the bottom rung of another career path. He’s now making $65,000 a year without benefits.
Do you think that James’ new financial situation will impact his love life?
Do you think that women should see him as an equally viable option on his middle class salary as they did on his upper middle class salary?
Do you think that James has to resign himself to accept that perhaps he can’t get the cream of the crop woman – thin, curvy, educated, cultured – on $65,000/year?
It’s lazy dating advice telling you to lose weight to attract more men.
I’m not passing judgment either way, but I will point out that it’s a pretty similar comparison – one which illustrates, in stark terms, that life simply isn’t fair.
Do lots of women judge men on their financial status? Absolutely.
Do lots of men judge women on youth and beauty? Yessir.
Therefore, all you can do, Liz, is to be conscious of this, and make the best of your circumstances. It’s lazy dating advice telling you to lose weight to attract more men. Would it give you more options? Sure. More confidence? Absolutely? More hope? No doubt about it. But you’re already doing the best you can.
And if you’re already doing the best you can, there’s nothing to learn, nothing to lament, nothing to complain about.
The man you’ll marry is ultimately the one who will love you and accept you at your current weight. The man who doesn’t love and accept you…is clearly not your husband.
And that is the exact same thing I’d tell any man who complains that women only want rich men. Either make more money – or find the woman who doesn’t find money to be as important.
I’m quite confident that things will turn around for you – the second you stop looking down on the men who do like you for you.
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58 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice
Bettina 1
Wow. Marriage has changed you, EMK. Thumbs up on this one!
jack 2
“The only men who are interested in me now are the ones most women wouldn’t want to go out with. I don’t feel I have been overly picky, but lately I can’t even seem to attract Joe Average.”
Seems a little judgmental.
“The ones most women wouldn’t want to go out with.”
Wow. Perhaps we should just dispose of these men on a faraway planet..
Kenley 3
There are a few things in the letter that are confusing me. The OP doesn’t indicate if she is meeting her guys via online dating. If she is and guys are critical of her body, she must not have photos at her current weight. If she isn’t meeting guys online, I am confused as to why a guy who doesn’t like her body type would ask her out in the first place. Finally, I just have a hard time believing that if she really isn’t overweight that 15 pounds is making that big a difference. Most women can easily hide 15 pounds with the right clothes and a pair of spanx.
I suspect that the OP is really the one who dislikes her weight gain
and is projecting her feelings onto the guys dating her. If she doesn’t accept her weight, then it is going to be hard for her to accept that men will. I know because I have been there myself. Right now, I am about 30 lbs overweight and I actually wrote to Evan asking if I should go to a niche website or lose weight before trying match (I have lost 40 lbs since I sent that question in). I just decided to be honest about my weight and try my luck with match. And it was fine. I have not gotten more or better quality of Men since my weight loss. I have gone out with several guys all of whom liked by body. My current boyfriend loves my body right now and I like it a lot too even though I still am going to lose the last 30 lbs.
Perhaps weight is a huge barrier to the infamous alpha male, but I really find it hard to believe that the average Joe is giving a woman who isn’t even overweight a hard time. I do acknowledge that in some of my experiences have been very different from the women on this site. I have been fortunate enough that no guy has ever criticized my weight — regardless of my size. The only person who has tortured me about my weight has been me.
Sarahrahrah! 4
Agreed. Good advice, Evan.
Like women, men can sometimes be fickle creatures. They can be critical if we don’t weigh “enough” and critical again when we weigh “too much.” Fifteen pounds on a tall woman doesn’t seem like a lot. I’d take Evan’s dating advice one step further and purposely keep the weight on while you’re looking for the man who is right for you. If he is still interested in you even when you’re not “perfect,” then that should be a sign to you that he will love you no matter your ups and downs with weight having to do with your medical condition.
If you *do* end up wanting to lose the rest of the weight, it is likely still possible (and within reach) if it is only 15 pounds. If you are able to still do that (even with your medical condition), I encourage you to do so for your own health’s sake and not because you are trying to impress a man.
MysteeBee 5
Liz, I’m curious as to where you live? If it’s somewhere like LA, then it may just be a little more difficult to move past the superficial right away. Of course I’m not suggesting you move! Just saying it may take a little more time.
On an upbeat note, I have a friend – late 30′s, very curvy (probably rocking more than just an extra 15 pounds, and lovely all the same), who just got married for the first time to a man who adores her. He is also a catch. There IS a man out there who will appreciate and love you for you! and he doesn’t have to be short, bald and hairy
Chris 6
I have an extra ten I am struggling to lose and can relate to the OP. I haven’t had direct comments or rejection that I can blame on my weight. Instead I think I am projecting my own doubts and issues onto men before I even meet them. In my experience men are much less judgmental when they meet you through every day life. But very quick to judge on weight online.
jan 7
Try eating primal/paleo. If you aren’t ,I guarantee you those pounds WILL come off,,,,try marksdailyapple.com for more details.
The rest of the post is totally on point.
Michael17 8
I’ll say something more: A lot of men prefer women who are on the curvier side (instead of thin). I prefer them myself. The challenge is, though, that they seem to have a certain piece of jewelry on the 4th finger of their left hand. Get what I am saying Liz?
Liz, it ain’t your weight that is turning guys off. Especially if guys are contacting you on Match, where they see your pictures. (Your pictures *are* current, right? A discrepancy may be cause for no second date…)
Donna 9
Men are visual, and women all know this on some level. But do we REALLY get this? A man will fall in love with you for who you are, rather than for your looks, but you have to use your looks initially to get him interested, to keep him around long enough for him to find out who you are. When I first got divorced and started dating again, I was between 10 and 23 pounds heavier than I currently am. I looked good, felt pretty good, although knew I needed to lose some weight to be at my bestm, but I wasn’t quite getting the interest of the calibre men I wanted. A male friend, upon seeing an old photo of me at my best weight, said, “If you could manage to get back down to that size, you could have any man you want.” At the time this comment upset me, but it stayed in the back of my mind. When I got really serious about losing the weight and getting fit and healthy, the comment motivated me. Now I am a size 4 at age 51, same size as in high school, and let me tell you, he was so right. Night and day right. Now, in getting and accepting dates, it is up to me. You still have to “click” with your personalities, but this way, at your right and healthiest size, you get the choice whether to even try.
Amy B 10
Interesting statistics. I wish we could get more of a backstory on this though. How many of these married women who are 15-20 pounds more than single women were once thin when they were single? Does weight gain have any impact on the divorce rate? If the extra weight is so acceptable to so many married people, then why is the first thing a newly single man or woman do is loose 10-20 pounds? I think there’s deeper issues here that no one has yet explored.
Gem 11
I wonder if Liz is subconsciously letting her opinion that the extra weight is lessening men’s attraction to her, effect her confidence and energy on a date.
15 pounds just isn’t that big a deal. Especially on a tall woman so I find it hard to believe men would react so very different to her. BUT if SHE attributes men’s lack of interest to her weight, she may not be her usual bubbily, relaxed, confident, self and THAT’s what they are reacting to.
Just a thought. But Evan is right, there are PLENTY of men who will be attracted to her just the way she is.
Kim Hess Divorce Guru 12
Evan gave great advice. Read it again and apply it. If you’re doing everything you can as far as losing weight, then there’s nothing to complain about or change. The right man will come along who will love you for you, not your dress size.
I learned this too after my divorce. I wasn’t getting the interest of men that I desired-men who wanted long term commitment not just sex-because I was divorced with two kids.
It took a few years and lots of work on my part as far as my self esteem, but I started meeting and dating wonderful men who didn’t mind what some perceive as flaws.
Keep at it…your current weight may just be weeding out the “not so good for you” guys!
lux aeterna 13
I have the same amount of extra weight, and carry it reasonably well too. I have always been this shape so I feel I have some experience with what to expect. There are a few things in your letter that made me wonder. Your experience is so different to mine. Yes, I’ve been unlucky in love lots of times, but not when it comes to pure attraction – I get more attention than I can deal with, it’s sometimes overwhelming, and sometimes sad because it’s often very sexual.
As a young girl I was brought up by a very slim mother who taught me that the only way to succeed with men and in life was to be thin at all costs. I failed, and entered adulthood hating my body and myself while hiding in libraries wearing glasses and big jumpers while my peers went clubbing and enjoyed being young.
Later I discovered that no matter how much I tried to hide, certain men had a real thing for me despite my dowdiness. I now think of it as a kind of fetish. They love the big boobs, the tummy, the thighs. One ex wished I was bigger. But I steer clear of any man who would prefer me to be slimmer, dating them would be pointless. I can tell the difference between these men straight away. The ones who prefer slim tell me I have a pretty face but they show little excitement. The ones who love my body have problems keeping their eyes on my face, their eyes wander south and they get all flustered while talking to me. These are not the majority of men, but enough for me to notice quite often. I have chunky but confident girlfriends who have the same experience.
When I first made these discoveries that not all men are into slim women, I decided to forget all my worries and instead focus on how to present myself as well as I could. One thing us girls with a few wobbles in the wrong places have to be really careful with is how we dress. There are two major pitfalls: looking mumsy/matronly or trashy/cheap. I can’t buy cheap clothes because I refuse to wear ill fitting clothes. So, it’s Diane von F dresses for me. This is something that people who are new to being chunkier have to get used to and explore. Clothes become a different concept as comfort and fit become so much more important. Christina Hendrix anyone? Hot hot hot!
What I’m trying to say here is that your current experience might not be the whole truth about what to expect. I turned my dating life around without losing a single pound, so can you. I guess it’s about mental reframing. Acceptance breeds confidence. Confidence is attractive. A start would be to accept your current shape, make the most of your looks and switch on the radar to detect the men who are into your specific body type. They do exist, lots of them, believe me! Bigger people than us are in great relationships with great men. Like a poster on Evan’s Facebook page said, put whole body pics on your dating profile if you have one. Let the men choose to date you because they like what they see as you are right now. Any man who makes critical remarks about a date’s body has issues himself, that is no reflection on the woman – why does he date someone who doesn’t rock his boat?
Some of you here might wonder what all the fuss is about, surely a few pounds make no difference? Is this a storm in a tea cup? The pounds make a difference to the person in question. Someone who has always been comfortably settled in the middle of the ‘slim league’ is now bottom of that category. Not bottom of all-women-everywhere category, just that one, the one she relates to and compares herself to, or so it feels. When we change or start dating we have to [re]discover where we fit in, and before we have enough ‘proof’ and experience that everything is ok, a date’s negative remark or a mother’s critical views are the only opinions to go by that can lead to very dark thoughts, and then behaviour is affected too. I felt just as insecure after breaking up with a long term partner – what was my dating market value now, years after last time I was single? I panicked… for a while
Ruby 14
My thought is that these heavier married women were thin when they were single, and put the weight on after getting married. Men may say that a few extra pounds is okay with them, but when I read their profiles (at least on Match.com), they all seem to list “slender” or “athletic”, and sometimes “average” as what they’re looking for. I almost never see them list “a few extra pounds” or bigger. Of course, when you meet someone in “real life”, you tend to be a bit less judgmental, but I also have to wonder if these married gals were the same weight when they were single.
SJZ 15
Why oh why when it comes to weight do some women (Donna) have to write in bragging about how much they weigh and how old they are? I could do the same but, choose not to. How much you weigh and what your age are beside the point. I am an older single women who is at a very small size but STILL have trouble attracting quality men. I am still not small enough for some of these men and never will be. Any man that wants a size 0 probably also wants a woman who will disappear anytime he snaps his fingers. Its the size of the heart that counts not the size of your pants. By the way, women are visual too!
Karl R 16
Liz said: (original post)
“lately I can’t even seem to attract Joe Average.”
Liz,
Given your description of yourself, I’ve dated a few women your size and larger, and I found those women to be quite attractive.
However, if a woman thinks I’m “Joe Average,” I’ll dump her.
lux aeterna said: (#13)
“I discovered that no matter how much I tried to hide, certain men had a real thing for me [...] These are not the majority of men, but enough for me to notice quite often.”
As a man who was extremely thin from my teens into my thirties (and quite self-conscious about it when I was younger), I discovered that a substantial minority of women prefered the men who weren’t big and ripped. It’s quite easy to find dates amongst the minority who are interested.
I think this is equally true for men and women, and for a wide variety of appearances.
Liz said: (original post)
“The only men who are interested in me now are the ones most women wouldn’t want to go out with.”
Most women don’t want to date me, and that barely slowed down my ability to date. If 95% of women don’t want to date me, there’s a ton of women in that remaining 5% … and some of them are amazing women.
Most men don’t want to date lux aeterna, but she can barely handle the attention she gets from the minority who do.
Liz,
You describe these men whom “most women wouldn’t want to go out with” as if it were some sort of black mark against them. Most men fit into that category. It sounds like you’re only interested in the few who don’t. Most women are ones whom most men wouldn’t want to go out with … and you apparently are now part of that category.
I strongly suspect that the pool of men you find interesting is the small pool that most women find interesting too. That tiny (and highly sought after) pool is hurting your chances far more than 17 pounds.
Ruby said: (#14)
“Men may say that a few extra pounds is okay with them, but when I read their profiles (at least on Match.com), they all seem to list ‘slender’ or ‘athletic’, and sometimes ‘average’ as what they’re looking for.”
On Match.com, women age 35-42, in my city (one of the fattest in the U.S.)
slender 20.5%
athletic & toned 20.1%
about average 28.0%
curvy 13.7%
a few extra pounds 8.1%
full-figured 4.5%
big & beautiful 1.8%
heavyset 0.7%
If you look at the BMIs for women aged 30-49 in the U.S.
underweight 2%
healthy 32.5%
overweight 29%
obese I 19%
obese II 10.5%
morbidly obese 7%
Where do you think the women who are “a few extra pounds” fall on the BMI scale?
Men,
Before any of you go onto a rant about how women lie on Match.com, I ran similar statistics for men.
On Match.com, men age 35-42, in my city (still one of the fattest in the U.S.)
slender 7.8%
athletic & toned 49.2%
about average 36.9%
a few extra pounds 2.7%
stocky 2.4%
heavyset 0.6%
If you look at the BMIs for men aged 30-49 in the U.S.
underweight 1.5%
healthy 35.5%
overweight 37.5%
obese I 19%
obese II 5%
morbidly obese 1.5%
I’d say that people are very charitable when deciding which euphemism they should use to describe their build. After going on a date with a woman who described herself as “a few extra pounds” (morbidly obese would be my description), I decided that I’d drop that off my list of acceptable builds.
Angie 17
Evan – brilliant response!
Liz, if you are posting accurate, up-to-date photos of yourself including at least one full body shot, I can’t imagine your weight is sending guys away. While I sympathize that gaining weight is not a fun experience, your perceptions of both yourself and the guys you dated are extremely negative.
The one statement you wrote that really jumped out at me is “The men whom I do end up dating are highly critical of my body, even when their own looks are nothing to write home about.” – How does this come up on a date? Are you criticizing yourself to your dates? This seems incredibly rude for a man who has seen (accurate?) pictures of you to say, and it makes me agree with the posters who said maybe it is your own projections.
So, what I am trying to say is… Your job on the date is to be fun. Enjoy yourself. There are many guys I know who are short, balding, average looks and average jobs, but I think they are wonderful catches.
Also, have you read the book, “Marry Him,” that features Evan? The tone of your letter reminds me of the author, Lori Gottlieb, at the start of the book.
Ruby 18
Karl R
So because one woman was dishonest about her build, you then disqualified all women who described themselves as carrying a few extra pounds”?
JerseyGirl 19
Well, I’ve dated all kinds of guys of looks and social backround and for me it’s always came down to the chemistry we had. And that didn’t always translate to the rich or ripped guy. But i find a lot less men are like this ( I am not saying all men aren’t like this), but men do seem to have a much more narrow ideal about women’s bodies and age then women do about being rich or ripped and I think that’s due to a lot of the media men spend consuming and thus project on real women.
starthrower68 20
@ Ruby #18,
A heavy woman trying to get a date is an exercise in futility. I’ve put myself on Weight Watchers and taken myself off the dating sites. I’ll probably go back on the grid when I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. It sounds like even when I reach my ultimate goal, it may be challenging at best. Oh well, I’m not losing the weight for that reason anyway.
kenley 21
Starthrower68,
I am confused as to why you say you have difficulty dating because I’ve seen a number of your posts where you have mentioned what’s going on with the guys who interested in you or the guys you have been talking with.
Karl R 22
Ruby asked: (#18)
“So because one woman was dishonest about her build, you then disqualified all women who described themselves as carrying a few extra pounds?”
Do a search on Match.com as a man seeking a woman. Limit the search to women “a few pounds over.” Count how many you think are obese.
I didn’t disqualify them because one woman was obese. I disqualified them because over 90% of them were obese. I couldn’t see any clear exceptions (and I wasn’t inclined to give the head shots the benefit of the doubt).
starthrower68 said: (#20)
“A heavy woman trying to get a date is an exercise in futility.”
It’s harder. Just like it’s harder for short men, for the unemployed, for the handicapped, for people with STDs…
And I know people in all of those categories who date, who have relationships and who get married.
OkCupid did a blog post about the mathematics of beauty. Their conclusion: “Take whatever you think some guys don’t like—and play it up.”
They explain it in far more detail than I care to, but I’d call it a must-read for everyone who thinks their looks are holding them back.
Joe 23
Kenley had it right in post #3. It sounds to me like the LW’s perception of herself as being overweight is coloring her self-esteem, which is causing problems for her dating. She’s projecting, “I think I’m fat, and men don’t like fat women, so men aren’t going to want to date me.”
starthrower68 24
@ Kenley #21,
I don’t have anything generally happen beyond the chatting phase. It will be a year this fall since I was last on a date.
@ Karl #20,
I decided this past weekend, when I went back to Weight Watchers that for myself it would be more productive to take a break from dating while I work on losing the weight. It’s going to take a lot of focus, discipline etc. to achieve the goal. I think it’s fair to give my focus to that and come back to dating when I drop a significant amount of weight. Since I would be considered obese, I think that it’s better for me this way.
starthrower68 25
@ Joe #23,
She might be projecting, but let’s be real here. Men aren’t exactly jockeying into position to date overweight women. I’m not saying all men so let’s not go there, but as a general rule. I’m inclined to agree that Liz might be projecting her own dissatisfaction with her body onto men, and probably has a distorted view of herself. 15 lbs is really negligible as she has described her frame. As for me, I’m sure there are some that think I should date even while I’m working on losing the weight but like I limit my dating pool by refusing to date guys with black hair or guys who are a size 9 shoe (i.e. the usual silly reasons), I severely limit my dating pool by being overweight. Since we are usually advised to navigate life as it is and change things about ourselves, I figure I’m just putting that into practice by taking break to reach my goal.
Annie 26
Ah weight…the bane of our existance.
In my youth I was vain about my body. I had the dimensions of Cindy Crawford at her hey day. I had the height, I was fit, muscular, and great proportion in terms of hourglass figure and nice c-cup round perky boobies with small waiste and a rather firm round butt. Oh yeah…if only I knew what I know now…haha!!
Then I put on weight. A lot of it..lol. People didn’t even recognize me.
I also gained a personality during this weight gain stage.
I lost some of the weight. Even though I was 50lb’s heaver than my heyday, I went out a while back and had some of the nicest looking men, who were actually quite nice personality wise as well approaching me and asking for # numbers etc. And when I say nice looking I mean, really handsome men. Not your “average joe blo”
Your weight does matter, but not as much as you think. Presentation and your capacity to be happy around a man does.
Tough lesson to learn. I went from having men walk into walls looking at me, to men ignoring me as the fat ugly friend. What a shocker..lol!!
15lbs is nothing.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach 27
As a dating coach for women over 40, I can tell you that more than 80% of your beauty is based on on you feel about yourself. If you FEEL sexy and alluring, then you are at any weight. I was 25lbs overweight when I met my husband. Not fat, but not thin and never have been. But I had lost some weight and so felt fabulous at my new weight which was still pudgy. I dated 30 men in 15 months to meet my husband of 11 years.
My advice? Work on your self-esteem. Start by appreciating one of your features daily in the mirror for 7 days, Then, choose another feature to focus on the next week. Keep going! Compliment yourself and wear clothing that makes you FEEL good. Change your makeup and hair if it makes you feel good.
Remember – you have to be your own cheerleader, so don’t permit yourself to be so critical of your looks. Let your inner beauty shine through – you are still the very same special, captivating woman who deserves the love of a good man.
Stacy 28
My advice to the OP would be to try to date bigger men (not fat man, just tall and large frame) as in my experince it is not your size, but you relative size to the guy you’re with what matters. Also, any guy who is “critical” about her body has to go. Such comments are rude and a sign of some major insecurities on the guy’s part that he’s trying to work out in such a way. While she can eventually lose those 15 pounds, if the guy doesn’t lose his underlying insecurities, he will find something else to put her done with (!!!)
TW 29
I would dovetail off of Kenley (#3) and Joe (#21), but a little differently.
I agree that this may very well be about how the OP sees herself, but the most important advice you give here Evan is your very last sentence, “I’m quite confident that things will turn around for you – the second you stop looking down on the men who do like you for you.”
Seems the OP sees any ‘less than perfect’ attributes of the men she has dated as being representative of her physical weight and not the burden she’s carrying (in self disrespect) in her head.
TW 30
Confidence (not arrogance) is sooooo-o-o-o-o crazily attractive to both men and women!
Steve 31
Liz ( the original poster );
The men whom I do end up dating are highly critical of my body, even when their own looks are nothing to write home about.
If you are online dating you can reduce the number of those experiences by putting pictures in your profile that are representative of how you look now. Don’t mix them with pictures of how you used to look or that may confuse people.
If you still end up in that situation simply don’t tolerate it. Politely tell the person that they are being rude, end the date and leave.
I think I have a lot going for me otherwise: two graduate degrees, a great sense of humor, and a job that I am successful at.
Women get turned on by resumes, men not so much.
Is this where we’re at now; that 15 extra pounds on a woman narrows her choices down to a pool of short, bald and unattractive guys with little to offer in terms of education or personality?
Evan already made this point in a gentle way, but do you see the irony in your quote Liz? No disrespect, most of us would think in the same hypocritical way.
I’m not sure if I can accept this.
You don’t really have a choice. Nobody has an obligation to be attracted to you. If you don’t accept reality all you will do is make yourself upset and possibly demotivate yourself into not trying, which means you will not get what you want.
Sheyna 32
Well she can lose the weight, ugly guys with the personality of used sand paper will remain thus.
But I do think it behooves us all to take a more charitable view of our fellow human beings. Some guys are a little less like sand paper and perhaps just a little rough around the edges.
That analogy fell neatly into place.
Jennifer 33
I think the posters that said this is mainly a matter of the OP’s perception are correct.
helene 34
I have to say, there are a few things that just don’t add up here. The OP says “before I went up a couple of sizes, I was always able to date the men that were interesting to me.” She also say’s she’s 39, and gained the weight a couple of years ago. If that’s the case, why, in the preceeding 37 years, and despite being able to date whoever she wanted, has the OP not yet found a partner?? This suggests to me that there are other reasons why the OP is not forming a lasting relationship, that were already a problem before the weight issue arose. Secondly, if you have a normal BMI, ypu have a normal BMI! Given that – what? – about 60% of adult americans are overweight, this means you are in the top 4 out of every 10 american women. How can this possibly be a problem??! It also strikes me that with the worry about the weight, the OP is overlooking a different but unfortunately relevant factor – she’s older now. Getting beyond childbearing age. This is unchangeable, and all of us have to adapt to the fact that with every year that passes, the dating pool gets smaller. Not sure where this leaves us, but I think the OP has some figuring out to do – by focusing on the weight she may be missing other factors that are preventing her from connecting with suitable men.
Ruby 35
Helene #34
Just because the OP hadn’t found a partner by age 37, doesn’t mean that something is wrong with her. If that were true, then many, if not most, of EMK’s readership would be in that “defective” camp as well. Plenty of attractive, smart men in Liz’s age range could be interested in her.
That said, I also have to wonder if the OP has changed her photos to reflect her current weight. It does seem like obese people are saying they only have a few extra pounds, and those who are carrying a few extra pounds are calling themselves average, etc. But on the other hand, if it were more acceptable to be even a few pounds overweight, perhaps people wouldn’t be fudging those details.
Jadafisk 36
“You don’t really have a choice. Nobody has an obligation to be attracted to you. If you don’t accept reality all you will do is make yourself upset and possibly demotivate yourself into not trying, which means you will not get what you want.”
She does have somewhat of a choice. If she doesn’t want to lose weight, but she is willing to be more proactive (better profile content, searching and sending to attractive prospects), she can find the type of man she’s used to, especially if her own preferences aren’t entirely cookie-cutter.
Laine 37
I dont think this is about a weight problem, but rather a reflection on internet dating. I think we can all presume the responses and interactions we have online are to do with our weight or the fact that we are divorced, or still single at 40..whatever:) but from my own experience the men who contact me are the same calibre as most women on here are complaining about. I consider myself to be good looking, have a slim figure a well written fun profile with an array of pics that show my face and full body shot. I felt overwhelmed at the amount of reponses I was inundated with and at the same time annoyed that a guy who couldnt spell, was unemployed and who had no teeth in his head was writing to me. And then I realised that I didnt receive approaches from men like this in day to day life. They would not have the opportunity or social skill to navigate getting my attention in the real world. The internet has given them this access. It has also given the same access to the guy who maybe right for me. So rather than get upset I just reject them politely and thank the Universe I have so many options
I only rarely come across a guy who I get excited about online, but when I do, they are the ones that I converse with. I am open to meeting all types of men, but the one thing I have learnt about online dating is that I need to feel a keen interest to meet them. And when I meet them it how I feel in their presence which determines whether I go on another date with them.
So to the OP I would say whether you are thin, fat, mobidly obese. gorgeous, plain, confident, insecure..the same men will contacy you on line for one simple reason. You are a woman!
JZ 38
Good luck with your dating.
1. I know weight can hurt. I lost my relationship when I gained 15 pounds for medical reasons.
2. What helped my weight: Lifting weights increased my confidence and improved my body composition. Swimming lifted my mood and helped me lose weight. Eating more fat and eliminating grains almost entirely helped me lose weight (the diet in Female Body Breakthrough).
3. I value every date as a person. Dates confide in me, and they like me even if we don’t go past a few dates. It’s the zen thing. One ex-boyfriend said after our first date that he felt good around me because I treated him like a person. I’m guessing other women treated him as the sum of his high-profile career, attractiveness, and popularity. Based on this first date, he told his supervisor about me and postponed a major business trip by 3 weeks so we could get to know each other.
4. All men have problems, even the super attractive. Bipolar disorder, abusive tendencies learned from parents’ abusive relationship, having been homeless are among the problems among the highly attractive men I’ve dated. Currently I’m dating a guy who is more than a foot shorter than another guy I was dating around the same time, and he makes me very happy.
Bettina 39
helene@34: Ew.
Darren Miller 40
If I’m honest I don’t think it’s the guys who have the issue with her weight, but Liz herself. She explains how she believes she is a great catch and she has all the qualities a guy is looking for in a woman but her weight lets her down. She said that she is tall and the weight gain isn’t noticeable, so she is likely to be the only one who sees extra weight.
Liz mentioned she is dating through Match.com, so if her profile picture is recent, the guys she meets are aware of her size.. I think that she is a bit insecure and unconfident with her weight and these feelings are transferred to the guys.
Liz needs to be confident in her own body. Guys are attracted to confidence and if you feel sexy about yourself, the guys will see it. Do not let weight be an issue. There are plenty of guys out there who are not attracted to the skinny, straight up and downs. Be proud of your curves girl!
AS 41
I would have to agree with #9 Donna in that men are visual. This has been proved time and time again by experts. And whilst women are more likely to give men a chance that they do not immediately find attractive, men are less likely to change their first impression.
I guess if you are not happy with your appearance and you are actively doing something to change it, rather than just keep complaining about it or using it as an excuse, then you are on the right track…
AQ 42
Liz Sweetie – dating is hard even if you are skinny and drop dead gorgeous. And then there are those dating dry spells.
Take a big deep breath, keep exercising – even more hours on the weekend and clean out your closet. If you are trying to fit into old clothes that are too small you will hate yourself. If you get rid of all of those and go on a shopping spree to get better clothes and lingerie, you will be transformed.
Get some good pix that show you right now with what you love to do – natural light does wonders.
Then do what Churchill says – when you get into he11 keep marching!
Patience. Patience. More patience.
Ellen 43
I was blessed with a fast metabolism, but as I’m probably one of the older members here (58) let me share my secrets of keeping it off:
* you CAN eat what you want but in small bites, infrequently
* portion control- I can’t emphasize this enough.
* MOVE. Even on the weekends I’m mostly on the go. I do get 1-2 naps though. I’m immobile for 1-3 hrs. at a time, then I go, go, go.
* buy a big bike. No ten speed nothing- a three speed, tops. This will work you biggest muscles- the thigh/calve ones which burn the most calories
*watch your liquid calories like a hawk
*been to India three times and folks, it’s not our “metabolisms” most of the time, but calorie expenditure, what we eat. Sorry!!! Few, few people there are overweight. The rich sometimes are as they eat better I guess. lol
* lift weights. Start small, then build up to at least 8-10 lbs barbells
*play some tennis always for your butt/bosom. End of story.
* use your office chair as a piece of Nautilus equipment. Be creative.
*do the yoga pose called “the plank”. Hold 1-3 minutes- daily- works your core without doing situps. I have a slight “six pack” thanks to it.
*Finally, lately I stand at my computer at home rather than sit ’cause Lord! I sit in front of a computer five days/week as it is!
*THE BIGGEST TIP AFTER AGE 50- IF A CANDIDATE, TAKE BIOIDENTICAL HORMONES RIGHT AFTER MENOPAUSE (OR BEFORE IF YOU ARE SEVERELY DEFICIENT). Testosterone alone (and the bike mentioned above) helped me lose 7 lbs in a month. Testy makes your system HUM!!! I went from thin to skinny. Back to thin now (skinny makes my facial wrinkles pop too much so I always keep on 5-8 lbs around my tummy).
As a result of the above I’ve only been overweight twice in my life, and that fairly mildly (freshman year was the worse), briefly.
morgan 44
lux aeterna @ 13
Loved your contribution and pseudonym.
Karl R @ 16
Always great to hear your perspective.
m
x
Christine 45
This post really struck a nerve with me because I’ve gone through the same thing with my own weight gain and being a heavier girl. I sympathize with the writer. I was a size 0 during my college years. Since getting into my 30s I gained a lot of weight and am a relatively larger girl now, fluctuate between a size 2 and 4–and clothes don’t really fit me the same way anymore. I’m not overweight by any means but just not the waif I used to be, and may never be again. However, I can also say that more men are actually attracted to me now at my heavier size than they were in those skinny days, so I’m encouraged that it’s not really a liability unless you make it one. Just keep the faith and keep going!
starthrower68 46
There are men that like skinny women and men that like heavy women. It’s not useful to take ownership of their preferences. I’m losing weight because I want good health. Yes, I will like the way I look and probably enjoy the attention as a result. But we need to be where we feel comfortable and healthy. I don’t feel healthy where I’m at and decided to do something about it.
Jack 47
I don’t think its just the weight that is the problem. If she is 39 and has the weight for the past several years, then I think AGE has something to do with her options as well. What are her goals – does she want Marriage or just a medium-term boyfriend? Is she a divorcee with children and doesn’t want any children or to get married again? From a single man’s point of view who wants children and marriage, a 39 year old woman is not as desirable as a 30 year old. Also, a lot of good looking men over 35 have probably gotten married, so the dating pool of desirable men is thinner.
starthrower68 48
@ Jack #47,
You are stating what YOU prefer. 39 year old women with children still manage to get married. A woman who is finished having children would not be wise to try to snag a man who still wants children. And good looking men over 35? Good looking to whom? You? Another subjective judgement call. What may be desirable to one woman may not be to another.
Nicole 49
@Starthrower #46, thanks for saying that.
You have to love that a non-overweight woman who shows is up body snarked and body shamed by so many other women when she a)likely looks no different than she did before and b)when she’s admitted to having a medical condition that has altered her metabolism. I hope she shows up to thank all of the non-doctors who offered dieting advice to her, or suggested that they just needs to work out harder and eat even less. And she should thank the women whose only contribution was to brag that they were still as skinny as a 14 year old model and can still get any man that they want. I’m not even sure how that is germane to the discussion or helps the poster, except maybe it just goes along with the fact that people feel morally superior about being the skinniest person in the room even if no fat people (who are of course deserving of their scorn) are in the room.
My guess is that the men who are criticizing her body would do that to anyone that they felt needed to be “better,” and they probably would have done that to her 17 pounds ago. That’s just how some people are. Those guys are not guys that anyone needs to be with. If you show up “perfect” then they will dump you for changing. And change you will.
I personally think that the original advice she got was the best. Even if she wasn’t a smidge heavier, she’s going to keep getting older and some men will use the supermarket feel of online dating to exclude her (although really, most of those 45 year old men who want to date women who are 30 and younger will remain alone too). Now is a good time to separate the wheat from the chaff and find someone who excepts the fraility of the human condition and the fact that her face and body will change (and this is true even if she never gains another ounce).
As for advice that she look for fat men. Here’s a newsflash for the people who insist that women lie about their bodies. Fat men frequently describe themselves as average or something even athletic and toned online, and even the ones who cop to being heavyset, stocky, or bigger have no shame in checking the “slender” only boxes online. A man is not any more accepting of a woman being heavier just because he’s heavier. Again, I’d blame this on the way that you “shop” for people online. It seems probable to them looking at hundreds of pictures that they could hit the jackpot, even though in real life, they might approach a very different type of woman (and of course, in real life, people who have charisma can make up for things that might count against them online).
And a man being skinny or good looking doesn’t really tell you what kind of woman he’s looking for or who he finds attractive or whether he is nice or not. As Starthrower pointed out, men want what they want. They don’t ALL Want the same things, although some people are arrogant enough to think that they can speak for all men.
Some men need other people to want it, and sometimes they don’t. So no, not all fat women or women who are heavier wind up with ugly guys (although as has been pointed out, the OP is being hypocritcal with her own looksism as she complains about that trait in other people), and not all women who are fat and have conventionally good looking husbands pulled a switcheroo and gained a lot of weight after marriage. Not all good-looking men are jerks, and not all ugly men are nice and think that personality matters most. Although you’ll be better off picking a man who is okay with all of the ways that you might change as you age anyway (just as you’ll be okay if his belly gets bigger and his hair falls out).
I think any older person needs to be accepting of the effects of aging and the fact that the body is going to change inside and out. You are going to change a lot physically in your 40′s even if your weight is the same. Look, you reach an age where beauty isn’t your main selling point or pull anymore. Learn to deal with it, use your other positive attributes, and find other people who can also deal with it.
Miranda 50
H Liz,
I’m thinking that your problem is that you are subconciously uncomfortable about it in some way and it’s coming through on your dates now. You don’t have to be totally insecure about something for it to be clear in your subconcious and guys can feel it when you arennot sure about yourself. I’m just saying, if you didn’t kind of think you were less attractive because you gained the weight you wouldn’t be near starving yourself and working out 6 days a week like a mad woman to try and keep it off. I dont want to offend you in any way but think about it, this means subconciously you’re not okay with it…and thats what’s destroying your dating life….not your weight. Wether it be you changed the way you dress, or lost that little spark you once had in your smile, you’re just not as confident, so it’s more than just the weight that makes these great guys shy away….and the rejects keep pouring in. I think you should try a little harder at accepting yourself, your don’t sound too insecure, but maybe get some new sexy and chic clothes for your new size, maybe get a haircut, and getting more comfortable in your new skin will help. Guys will only seem uncomfortable with it, if YOU are. Trust me, I was 20lbs skinnier when I first saw my husband….and it wasn’t until after I gained 20lbs and started loving and being comfortable with myself (not worrying about my weight) almost a year later from that day that he asked me on our first date. I married him, and he’s a great guy! It’s not your weight honey…believe it or not it’s you, so just do whatever you need to do to love your new skin, stop worrying about it, get sexy, and see how things change. Best of luck. =)
Jack 51
@48 – I think this woman can still have kids at 39, if that is what she wants, but Men are going to prefer women around 30 if they want several kids.
This woman needs to decide what she wants in a husband. Also, Men aren’t born to be good husbands or boyfriends, they learn to be good husbands and good boyfriends, and this involves a Woman training these men with a lot of patience. Likewise, a strong, smart woman also needs to learn to be a good wife to catch a husband.
starthrower68 52
@ jack 51, whether you agree with it not, women can have babies without a husband or even a boyfriend and she would even be able to have more than one.
Jason 53
She should try dating Black Men, who are more appreciative of full figured women. Inter-racial dating can work and should be promoted in society!
starthrower68 54
@ jason #53, we’re taking a bit of a bunny trail here and i agree there is nothing wrong with interracial dating or marriage, let’s be more concerned about who we can have a healthy mature relationship with rather than picking someone based on race because that group might be more accepting of our bodytype. we run the risk of minimizing people to a physical trait that doesn’t define who we are.
Jason 55
@54 – Liz seems to be looking for answers, and broadening her options by race, religion, etc. may help. She seems superficial or concerned with wealth, and if she wants to meet a rich doctor, she should hang out near hospitals, or go to nursing/med school or become a pharma rep. But at 39, there are simply just less single 40 year old Men than there are available 30 yr old men. She simply can’t be as picky. What are her dealbreakers? Also, maybe she over-estimates her attractiveness physically or in personality. Maybe she should give Short, Bald Men a chance.
Jadafisk 56
53. NOT as a last resort for people who have become less attractive to their preferred group. Some people are tired of fielding the results of this.
Terri 57
Liz: At what point did these men become critical of your weight? Telling you to your face that you are overweight is – as others have pointed out – just plain RUDE! How did you respond to these remarks? I cannot imagine a man being that obnoxious on a date.
When I owned a brick and mortar dating service some years ago in South Florida, some of my male clients who were not in shape and not very desirable in appearance or employment, proved very critical of some of their appropriate female matches, i.e. matching a 4 with a 4. It was much easier to work with men and women in the reasonably attractive and in fair shape categories, i.e. matching a 7 with a 7.
Men who looked like Danny DeVito (only not as funny) would look in the mirror and see Brad Pitt. I found that men were a lot less realistic about how they looked and felt a higher sense of entitlement then did my women clients.
For a women who is tall to be 15 lbs. overweight is no big deal. Play up your other assets – hair, jewelry, great clothes – and you should have no problem in finding men who will think you are a great catch!
Liz 58
Hi, I’m Liz, the OP, and I just wanted to thank everyone who contributed their comments. I weighed them carefully, including Evan’s, and found them all very helpful. A lot has happened since I sent in my question. The first thing is that I stopped starving myself and gained another ten pounds. I decided that given my medical condition, there was only so much I could comfortably do and for so long, so I simply began focusing on being healthy rather than thin. Reading the comments, I had to acknowledge how poor my self image had become, and that I needed to stop being so hard on myself. To be clear, though, I was not upset because I was no longer attracting the caliber of men I once had; I was upset because I was being rejected by men who were holding me to standards that they were in no way meeting themselves.
The second thing that happened is that shortly after this blog post went up, I met the most incredible man. I can’t say that this was due to any attitude adjustment on my part, as changing the lens in which you see yourself through can take time, but the realization that although I thought I was following Evan’s advice, I really wasn’t. Yes, I had become a much better date and had honed my dating skills overall, but as a friend pointed out to me, I kept dating the same guy wearing different pants. I always ended up with the “sensitive” artist with whom I had the intellectual rapport that I’d always found so exciting, but who was also narcissistic, critical, and self-obsessed.
I accepted a date with my boyfriend based on the fact that I found his profile funny and nothing more. I went into that meeting with zero expectations and found a man who was thoughtful and gentle–a man who radiated kindness. I’m embarrassed to say that in the past I would have written him off for not being my “type”. Too rugged and outdoorsy. Too introverted. Too blue collar. But I’m constantly surprised by the so many things we do have in common.
A week after we started dating, he took his photo off his profile. A week later he hid his profile altogether. He does all the things Evan says a guy does when he cares: he shows up, he communicates consistently, he makes me a priority. The irony is that he’s a gym rat with an athletic body but has no problem with mine. He tells me I’m beautiful every day. It’s only been a few months for us, but this is more success than I’ve had in years. It’s something that finally feels healthy. I chose differently, but I also attribute this success to the fact that, for the first time, I played with my cards closer to my chest. I didn’t let my emotions all hang out. I stopped the subtle pursuit and let him come to me. I did nothing and it worked.
Evan, it’s been a long, hard road but I finally got the lesson. I haven’t felt this calm and hopeful in a long time and I have you and your stuff to thank. You’re the best!