Comments on: My Fiancé Has Money and Treats Me Well, But He’s Soooo Cheap! What Should I Do?

By: Nada

Nada — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 05:38:55 +0000

Omg, i have such a bf and we only been dating online for 3 months but known each other for over a year.. It’s like reading my own story here.. if he can’t even spend three eyros to email me while he is away at his monte carlo home, how do i expect him to really spend thousands and fly over to my home ( i live in asia, he is italian) as he promised? I am disappointed cus this are small gestures if love that he fail to do… he speaks of planning a future together but think he just do stuff as he pleases…

By: Mitzy

Mitzy — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 13:33:06 +0000

I wanted to add, upon my husbands retirement, when money was a bit short during the time he qualified to receive it, and when he actually retired, his favorite saying was “put in on the credit card” which the majority were in my name, because he was “old fashioned” and only used cash for himself, I did assumming that was something he realized and agreed to pay. NOT, he kept the cash for himself and the debits he assigned to me.
MONEY and him keeping the MONEY, while I got the kids, home and debt to deal with after four children and 35 years of being “hoodwinked” this way, finally caused “incompatibility”, As his money status grew (thanks to my support on the home front), so did his big head, NOW the money was his and the kids were MY responsibility, as were their costs.
Just if anyone is wondering, he can “never afford it” even for himself or the children or me AFTER he said “yes” to my request for some needed and some wanted or house hold stuff like USED furniture” or clothing.
MORAL, he liked to look good while being bad. If I was lonely or needed help with the home and kids, he showed me his growing “spread sheet” to justify his not being there, and frequently said, “for our retirement” which grew to half a million dollars, and he still didn’t have the time (for his family or home) or the money (for his family or home).
Also, he frequently calls, called me a GOLDDIGGER……we were married 35 years and he wasn’t a rich man then, however as his income grew so did equally his selfish and mean and divisional ways…..I was told I didn’t “need” to work also early on, and I was thrilled to be so “lucky” to have a man that supported stay at home moms.
Well, not so lucky as he used this against me later on, and used “HIS” money to make me a trapped, wounded, and helpless “prey”.
We are divoricing, and he STILL can’t wrap his head around my rights to any of the money I helped earn or was frugal in my own ways (like doing all the repairs, buying used stuff etc.) to support HIS earning it for US, when in reality he just USED my support to pad HIS accounts.
When it comes to love, men love their money more. Do NOT marry someone who you are ALREADY angry with and resentful of, it will get worse not better.

By: Mitzy

Mitzy — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 13:13:33 +0000

I agree with This is not love comments. Certainly not in the Biblical sense when two become one (moneywise too I suspect).
I think he is getting off cheap. He wants a self supporting maid and sex object. Sorry is that is harsh, but from the beginning he is telling/asking if you will accept a marriage of inequity. The gambling probably includes, travel and perhaps other women too. He has realized he can’t keep this up, unless someone is “hired” to take care of the home front.
Currently you are “on approval” to see if you will cooperate with this arranged marriage, with the bait of the “high life” for Him.
My advice if you do marry, (in spite of your anger and resentment) is KEEP YOUR MONEY out of his reach, TOTALLY FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.
He may gamble that away too. I would also do a background check or ask around. He may be “rich” from swindling other women clouded by love, and attracted to his assets and kindness. I think there is a lot going on here. He also sounds a bit narcissistic, and I know from experience they will spend a great deal of time looking for a “target”, so four years isn’t so long. Many of these men are just great and total Mr. Nice guy till you are hooked (by marriage) maybe he is just waiting for that to “turn the tables” on you? This is their MO.
I

By: Mitzy

Mitzy — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 12:49:31 +0000

Yes, he is selfish. Why? Because first it is HIS money, second what else is HIS, let me guess, the right to 1. act superior 2. have the majority rule vote in all decisions (his money makes him the majority) 3. I bet if you shared your assests with another or only gave it in equal measure to the money he is willing to contribute he wouldn’t like it. 4. You most likely will end up with the liabilities (should you have children) and he with the assets. 5. Not only is he selfish clearly he wants a marriage of inequality from the start 6. His money is more important than the relationship. 7. He will always hold the money over you to have more power in the relationship 8. He is probably as selfish in the bedroom, as his money can cover his “flaws” and he feels too superior to be intimate. 9. He will expect 100 percent effort on your part everywhere while he (his money) has conscripted his absence in things important to you. 10. He will think he has bought a wife (more like a mail order bride) and you will be punished regularly and he will use “HIS” money to do this and excuse himself.
But you know this and that is why you are angry and resentful. A man that won’t share EQUALLY isn’t worth having, trust me I married one who was not very well heeled with a lot of liabilities. Upon retirement (as he money grew) the real person shown out. Self centered, selfish, cheap, mean and divisional. Move on please. You will never be “validated” as a good or contributing person, but ALWAYS in the woman down position.

By: SugarNspice

SugarNspice — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:57:10 +0000

Dear Johanna, tell that 77 year old if he doesn't add your name to his bank and account and house, you will leave. It just seems like he married you but he doesn't trust you, Oh and no relationship can survive without trust. By the way it also sounds like he is just using you, ie married you for free cleaning and whatever else you do for him. Do you really want to look after him with no financial security in the future? Perhaps you would be happier, on your own.

By: SugarNspice

SugarNspice — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:45:06 +0000

Dear Lara,
I would not listen to all those people that tell you you are expecting too much, they are just jealous. There is nothing wrong with expecting the person you are about to marry to spend money on you. Regardless of what time we are living in. If someone truly loves you and they can afford to help you out there is absolutely no excuse for them. If you feel that they are cheap and stingy after 4 years, it would only get worse after you 2 are married. Either tell him what bothers you now, and he doesn’t try to make you feel better about the situation, RUN FOR THE HILLS !

By: kay

kay — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 00:54:49 +0000

Don’t sign a prenupt or you may end up trapped in a bad marriage because you are dependent on him financially. If he insists on a prenupt….run, don’t walk away from him.

By: Terry

Terry — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 16:52:57 +0000

Dear OP,

If you are happy being 2nd because you enjoy the benefits of material things and don’t have to worry about paying bills for the rest of your life, which is a reasonable trade-off, then stay. Otherwise, RUN.

There’s a lot of assumptions here, but I assume that you are a hard working woman who takes care of him and spends money frugally.

There’s no respect here. He spends so much on his toys, yet when it comes to spending a little on you, he makes you feel uncomfortable. When you get married, you SHARE you lives together, meaning you share everything. How can one person live a different lifestyle in a marriage than the other? Why get married in the first place? Why not just date and be common-law forever? That way you don’t have to worry about being equal (sarcasm here).

Relationships are not build on spreadsheets and numbers. There are always tradeoffs to everything. You need to ask yourself what each of you bring to the table and see if you think that’s a good tradeoff and a good deal for you. You need to determine your needs and if they are not being meet, you need to decide if it’s worth the risk to look elsewhere. Be strong and have the strength to make the right decisions. It’s tough.

Let me tell you my experience and share my outlook. I was dating a rich guy and just by faith I’m currently with another rich one. I’m currently living with this one. I moved into his house and he pays for all the bills. When we go out, he pays for everything. He pays for all vacations. I only pay for my own personal expenses like my gas, my cell bill, my car maintenance and general household groceries. When we do major grocery shopping together, he pays. Essentially he pays for almost everything. I don’t make much as I used to, but I work full time just like he does. All inside household duties are mine and I make sure the household runs smoothly. He takes care of the outside, and I help 75% of the time. That’s because I’m better at the inside duties and he’s better at the outside and he likes my company while working.

Most people think I’m spoiled, but I disagree. I work more than he does. Why should I devalued myself because I bring in a lower income? If I were to split the money 50-50 or even proportionally, I would become poor with the lifestyle we have. How fair is that? I prefer a lesser luxurious lifestyle and be happy, then to be poor by living a lifestyle I cannot afford or need. It’s a bonus to have the up-scaled things, but it doesn’t make a successful relationship or does it make me any happier.

When we get married, we will have a pre-up where he keeps all this assets before the marriage. Whatever we accumulate together, we use together.

Imagine, I suddenly win the lottery and he looses his job. Now I’m going to start buying my expensive cars and leave him with nothing because he has savings he can dig into? I’m going to go on super nice vacations he now cannot afford? Of course not!

I’m just old fashioned. I care, love, give and do whatever I can for him as best as I can and I expect the same thing from him. Whether he pays more or not, just depends on the current circumstance. He just happens to be richer than me so he pays more. If I was richer, I would pay more. When we get married, we are both rich. You will never win if you are in competition with him and his assets. You need to work together as a team and be valued the same.

It seems to me that you are not valued the same and that there’s no sharing. “What’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine. but I will help you with the bills because I pity you. However, I’m not going to pay for anything more. You don’t get anything luxurious like me because I devalue your work, essentially you, since it brings in much less than me.” Do you want this type of attitude in a marriage?

I hope this helps and good luck! Talk to him about your point to view and try to work things together before getting married. Be strong and have the strength to make the best decisions for yourself.

By: Speed

Speed — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 12:17:02 +0000

@Johanna (161)
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as if you are implicitly waiting for your husband to pass away for financial security but please think twice about that. He might live to 110 or something, becoming increasingly reliant on you as he ages (yet still withholding his money). I’m not a lawyer but I imagine you have legal options open to you. I would suggest you speak with one, maybe at a free legal clinic, if one is available in your town. In any event, I don’t think you want to continue your life as it is so you need to be courageous and explore your options. Good luck to you.

By: Clare

Clare — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 10:54:30 +0000

Johanna,

Run.

I’m sorry, I know that sounds difficult and extreme, but I have some experience with men like this.

Run, and do everything you can to let this relationship go and salvage what you can financially. Someone this mean and controlling will have your self-esteem in the toilet in no time.

I’m sorry if this is not easy advice, but I call it as I see it.

*Strength and support to you*