My Fiance of 7 Years Won’t Marry Me! Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
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By staying in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs, you become an enabler who allows your commitment phobic boyfriend to take advantage of you.
Let’s establish a caveat: there’s nothing wrong with being in a seven year relationship and not being married, if THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. Really. To bring it back to my made-up situation…I have a buddy who is married and NEVER gets oral sex. That pattern was established during the three years he dated his wife and he certainly couldn’t expect it to change after he tied the knot. For him, a blowjobless marriage was a bargain he was willing to strike in order to preserve the union. Works for him. Not for me.
So, for you, Sheena, it may well be worth it to stay in an unmarried monogamous relationship as long as you get to keep your “fiancé”. But you’re not at all unreasonable for wanting a ring, and you’re definitely justified in leaving if you don’t get one.
Ultimatums are unpopular concepts because they seem pushy, but I’ll tell you: if you’ve been pushed around, an ultimatum is ALL YOU GOT. If you’re in your late 30’s/early 40’s, you want marriage and kids, and he’s been stalling for more than 2 years, you sure as hell better tell him to propose or move on.
At a certain point, it ceases being his fault for not committing, and becomes your fault for accepting his lack of commitment.
Whatever you do, good luck. I hope you find a decision that gives you peace and happiness.
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38 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
BeenThruTheWars 1
Sheena, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You must be terribly frustrated and hurt and confused. I imagine most women who have been in your shoes are nodding their heads in empathy at your dilemma.
I’ve been in your shoes. And I can tell you the following truth woman-to-woman, flat-out:
If this man hasn’t proposed by now, he isn’t going to. And even if he does, because you issue an ultimatum or actually walk, it will be under duress for him and he will carry that resentment into the marriage and make sure you are as miserable as he is every day of your married life. You will have a tense, crappy and probably short-lived union (unless you decide to stick it out and suffer for the next thirty years), then have the trauma and financial mess of a divorce to wade through before you can be free again. More time and resources wasted. Because this man doesn’t think you are The One. He doesn’t want to make a lifetime commitment to you. If he did, he would have about six years ago. And that is the honest to God, unvarnished truth.
A man who is serious about marrying you will almost always propose between 18 months to 2 years, if not sooner (unless you both are very young, in which case it’s a good idea to date for several years before any life-altering decisions are made). If no proposal is forthcoming after a year and a half, you have every right to ask what his long-term intentions are. If you get a lot of hemming and hawing and excuses, then you have your answer. (“Financial crisis,” my foot. Poor people get married every day. They find a way to make things work.)
If you want to get married and have children, then no matter how painful and disappointing it is, now is the time to leave and start fresh. And as Evan says, if those are things you want there is nothing wrong with wanting them! The only bad thing would be recognizing in your heart that marriage and a family are what you want, then NOT taking steps to achieve them. It’s a form of self-sabotage, staying in a relationship that clearly isn’t going anywhere. And, sadly, yours isn’t. It’s stuck in “park” and will remain so until you take action to get what you want for yourself.
As an actor friend once told me, “Babe, this is your life. It’s not a dress rehearsal.” And after seven years, you shouldn’t still be auditioning for the part of this man’s wife.
Men do what they want to do, and don’t do what they don’t want to do. When a man finds his dream girl, he can’t wait to be with her and capture her for himself. No obstacle is too great to overcome, no distance is too far to travel. Conversely, if a man does not want to be with a woman, the apartment next door will be too far to bestir himself. This man “has” you, Sheena, he knows it… he has stalled things out because it’s easier for some reason than cutting the ties, but trust me, he is just waiting until “something better” comes along at this point. If you stay with him, despite not having your needs and desires met, not only are you punishing and hurting yourself but you risk being dumped for some other woman. Now THAT is pain, honey. Men like your “fiance” often marry the very next woman they meet, often within a few months’ time. It’s one of Murphy’s shittiest laws, but seems to come true far too often.
My very sincere advice to you would be to break things off NOW, this instant, before you waste any more precious years on a man who will never commit to you in the way you want him to. Simply say (or write) to him:
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about us, and this relationship isn’t working out for me. I want a husband and home and children, and I have come to realize I won’t find it here. You and I don’t want the same things. We aren’t meant to be together. So I wish you all the best but I’m moving on. I hope you find happiness in your life, as I know I will in mine. No hard feelings. Goodbye and good luck. I don’t want to be friends. I prefer a clean break. Please don’t call or contact me.”
No, I’m not kidding, Sheena. And yes, I know whereof I speak. I, myself, had to make such a decision shortly after the 7-year mark with my own “reluctant fiance.” I had to face the unhappy fact that we would never, ever be right for each other and had zero chance of a happy, monogamous marriage, so had to suck it up and walk away. It was hard as hell but I knew I was doing the right thing and have never looked back. Okay, I lied — of course, I looked back. But I did all my looking back within the first six months after leaving him. Let’s just say, I have never regretted it. I had a “no contact” policy after I broke things off with him — boy, was he stunned. But he let me go without a fight, which told me a lot, you know? Within days, he was out trolling for someone new online. My biggest regret is not having left him about five years prior to that. My recovery time as well as the damage to my self-esteem would have been far less than it was. Always listen to that “little voice” inside your head telling you what’s what. That “little voice” is on your side and always, always tells you the truth.
Take my advice, and you will thank me five years from now, when you and the fantastic new guy you married after you healed from this disappointment welcome your first baby into the world together.
I am now married to an absolutely fantastic guy — the love of my life — and I never would have been available to meet him had I stuck it out with Mr. Can’t-Commit.
JB 2
Ahh..Evan…I’m sure the women on here will “rip you a new one” for comparing marriage to blowjobs….lol Let’s watch and see. Ladies ??
You know what ? People that WANT to be married GET married people that don’t ….DON’T !!
Sheena, YOU want to married. Your guy does NOT. At least not to you. Like Evan said you have to say “I’m leaving” and then DO IT.
Do you really want to marry someone you have to “beg” to marry you ?? I know I wouldn’t.
You don’t say how old you are, and I know it’s tough to start all over after 7 yrs. but if you really want to be married you have to find someone that does also. And proves it by DOING IT,not just talking about it. Good luck with that though !
BeenThere2 3
Sheena – I too was in a 7 year relationship and had to leave because guess what – he didn’t want to get married, at least right then. Like everyone has said, if he wanted to marry you, he would have by now. It is a hard truth to hear, but truth nonetheless. You don’t want to marry anyone that was forced into it. It should be a natural progression that everyone is excited about, not a situation where everyone is left feeling shitty.
Do what’s best for YOU, because he certainly is doing the same. I was 29 when I left and 30 now. It is scary to be suddenly single at 30, but thrilling to have taken charge of my own life without waiting around for someone else to figure out if they wanted to be with me.
Good luck!
Lisa 4
I had to laugh Evan, because the last guy I’ve dated didn’t like oral sex. He said “he just has issues about it.” I totally couldn’t believe it.
But Sheena, I also was in your shoes. I waited 10 yrs until we got married. I should’ve dumped him years before. After 17 yrs of being together, I knew I deserved to find someone that treated me better, and divorced him.
The dating world is hard, but I’ve met alot better men than my ex, and I’m holding out for one that treats me wonderfully.
Remember Sheena, you are deserving of love, and someone out there will treat you the way you want to be treated.
Best wishes.
sallynyc 5
“At a certain point, it ceases being his fault for not committing, and becomes your fault for accepting his lack of commitment.”
Amen Evan! It would be great to hear some more male opinions on the issue above. As a woman it is my belief that it doesnt take a man more than a year to figure out whether he wants to marry the woman he is currently dating. Based on this belief I would say that Sheena – he doesnt want to marry you. He’ll keep “dating” you for the next 7 years if you let him. Dump him and find the man that WANTS to marry you!
sheseizereason 6
I think your question is kind of being misinterpreted and blown out of proportion. He’s not your fiance of 7 years; he’s your fiance of 1.5 and boyfriend of 5.5 before the engagement. It’s not that he won’t commit; he’s already asked you to marry him. He just won’t be pinned down to a date.
This is not uncommon for men who are engaged. Often times, it’s not the fear of commitment that’s holding them back so much as the feeling of being intimidated by the wedding planning process, which is very stressful. If I were you, I’d be using the multitude of wedding planning and bride-to-be forums (not a dating blog) to talk to women similarly in your frustrating situation. I think you’ll find you’re not alone and learn that your fiance’s reluctance to set a date doesn’t mean he’s reluctant to spend the rest of his life with you. More importantly, you should be trying to learn more from him, what his concerns are.
There are any number of barriers he may have in his mind that could be causing his waffling on the date issue, and not one of them necessarily has to do with his feelings for you. Whatever you do, please don’t assume that just because he won’t write an entry in his calendar, it means he doesn’t want to marry you.
Selena 7
The thing about giving ultimatums is that you are not just giving one to another person, you are giving the same to yourself as well. If you say, “If you don’t marry me, I am leaving you” then you need to be prepared to leave. Otherwise, the ultimatum is just meaningless.
But you need to decide if marriage itself is more important than what you have now. Are you willing to walk away from what you have? Truly? If so, then perhaps what you have isn’t so great and marriage license wouldn’t make it better anyway. And conversely, after 7 years, why wouldn’t your fiance want to get married?
I think you need to get down to the real reasons your fiance won’t set the date. Does he know how important this is to you? Are you sitting idly by waiting for him to make all the decisions? Why not try being proactive and getting out the calendar and stating unambiguously that you want to be married in this particular month and you want to start planning now, so everything will be ready. If he balks, really listen to his reasons why. Talk to him about it from there. If it’s a matter of money, do you really have to have an elaborate wedding? A wedding is one day, it’s wanting to be together that matters.
Selena 8
JB-
Yeah, I thought having a fiance stalling on setting a date, to having a gf who wouldn’t do bj’s was an odd comparison. But I have to agree that in both cases after 7 yrs. the partner knew what they were getting. (Or more accruately–not getting). If you accept the status quo, at some point you need to give up whining about it.
Steve 9
I’ve found the comments from the women to be interesting and educational. In particular, the one about using a maximum of dating for 2 years ( for all but the very young ) as time to decide if someone really wants to be married or not.
My sister dated her exhusband for 6 years before her marriage of 2 years fell apart. I wonder if she had the wherewithal to use the “2 year rule” if she could have avoided a lot of pain.
The comments in this article and some others made me realize that past a certain age women do not see themselves as having as much time as men to find someone they want to spend their rest of their lives with.
As a result, the next time I find myself in a relationship lasting for at least 2 years I will be asking myself if she is “Ms Right” or “Ms Good-Enough-For-Now”.
Marc 10
Neither party should have to force the other to marry or blow them. This guy may indeed set a date at some point, but do you want to be with someone who had to be given an ultimatum before he did?
Jura 11
This goes to Steve. Interesting take, can you maybe elaborate? I remember Evan saying that he wouldn’t have dated beyond 3 months if she clearly (at that point already) did not qualify as a lifetime prospect.
What do men expect to actually find out more what they haven’t during two years? If a woman’s dearest wish is to be with someone who can love her that much as to marry her, would guys be happier to be given that piece information very early (so that there is no time waste indeed)?
I refuse to believe, regardless all the sex-revolution and marriage strike issues, that numbers of men who desire to be married are so low, am I so completely wrong in my thinking?
Selena 12
Women have just as much time as men to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. But since fertility for women starts decreasing in the 30′s and dramatically decreasing to nil in the 40′s, if a woman wants to have a child with someone she is married to, then getting married becomes a priority.
If parenthood is taken out of the equation, then what are the other factors for wanting to marry? Some people want to be married because they “Just Do”. Others don’t see what a marriage license would give them that they don’t already have in terms of love and companionship.
Because marriage is a cultural norm, it’s not surprising that people feel the subject should at least be discussed after a year or so together. But what if it wasn’t a cultural norm? What if there weren’t any formalization of romantic partnerships at all? Then there would be no evaluation of people on a marriage-minded basis. And no ultimatums. Might make for an interesting world.
downtowngal 13
Evan I totally agree with your advice but your comparison of marriage to bj’s is crude and tasteless. If you want to maintain credibility for your advice try showing some class.
Evan Marc Katz 14
Sorry, Downtown. I meant marriage was like anal sex, not blowjobs.
Kidding.
Your point is well-taken, though. I realized I was pushing it with the racy metaphor, but I’m not just writing to educate, but to entertain as well. Sorry I lost you on this one.
But, as always, thanks for reading – and for keeping me semi-politically correct.
Cindy 15
I truly enjoy the opportunity to read your advice Evan and the feedback it brings. Sheena you need to move on. Don’t lose what you want for yourself in any man. Always have those goals for what you want in a relationship clear in your mind and if after several months you don’t find them happening, you need to move on. I agree with the time frame of if you aren’t engaged AND WANT TO BE within two years of a serious relationship, move on. I’m 45 and divorced for three years now and having great dating experiences where I am making my choices for what is good for me; unlike when I was married it was all about him. Women need to keep a part of themselves and remember what they want/need is just as important as pleasing her man with a great blow job….LOL!! Gotta luv ya Evan….
m 16
“I remember Evan saying that he wouldn’t have dated beyond 3 months if she clearly (at that point already) did not qualify as a lifetime prospect.”
That’s because Evan is an empathetic guy, as guys go, and is actually AWARE that women and men are generally on different timetables.
(Men tend to exacerbate that, with their seeming ignorance about science, the ages at which women can/can’t make babies, and denial about their OWN infertility/parenting abilities at 35+, but, whatever.)
Most men don’t seem to be as empathetic or aware as Evan, but if you as a woman try to wake them up/make them aware and they STILL don’t give a damn what you need (or, put most gently, that your needs aren’t compatible), that should tell you something.
OP. sheseizereason is telling you what I think you WANT to hear.
I waited 5 years.
Get rid of him.
Steve 17
Jura Jan 4th 2008 at 01:33 pm 11
This goes to Steve. Interesting take, can you maybe elaborate? I remember Evan saying that he wouldn’t have dated beyond 3 months if she clearly (at that point already) did not qualify as a lifetime prospect.
What do men expect to actually find out more what they haven’t during two years?
Jura I don’t think it is the case for all men or even the majority of men. I think it might also vary by age, the life experiences they have had, and what they want. I just don’t think it occurs to some men to think about dating in terms of goals and time tables as much as it does occur to women to do so.
Selena Jan 4th 2008 at 06:30 pm 12
Women have just as much time as men to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with.
There are women who think that even with the fertility clock out of the equation that they do not have as much time as men. Their reasoning is that a large number of men value women more for their looks than who they are ( I’m not endorsing this and it bothers me ).
“Women past _______ are invisible in our society”. I’ve seen that quote all over the media from intelligent and frustrated women.
I don’t how attractive a guy over 40, 50, or 60 is to younger women unless his is rich or a movie producer, but there is a perception ( mistaken or not ) that older women have a tougher time finding romantic opportunities than older men.
If parenthood is taken out of the equation, then what are the other factors for wanting to marry?
Partnership, whether with marriage or without. There is something nice about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and doing so
. Aside from not having to date it is nice to have someone around who knows you very well, who knows your history very well, you enjoy being with and vice-versa.
lorelei 18
In response to m: Personally, I think sheseizereason gave one of the few level-headed responses with regards to Sheena’s situation. I liked Selena’s first response (#7) too – really on the money. Why is everyone jumping to the conclusion that the fiance doesn’t want to marry her? Just because you waited 5 years and it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean that Sheena’s fiance, whom we know little about, is going leave her high and dry too.
All Sheena stated was the fact that he, for some reason, can’t set a date. We know so little else about their relationship that I don’t understand how anyone can automatically assume the guy is stringing her along.
Being able to give others the benefit of the doubt is a skill important to the survival of a relationship. I’d hope that anyone in this situation would sit down and talk it out before issuing ultimatums. (Of course, if the guy is unable to calmly discuss the matter without getting mad, that’d probably be a pretty major red flag too.)
Sheena, one of my favorite sayings applies well to you in this instance: “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.”
You have to really GET your fiance’s point of view first. If you can reach the point where you’ve had a thorough enough discussion about wedding plans that you can articulate> his side of the story, and if you still find his reasoning unacceptable, only then should you consider taking more drastic measures such as ultimatums or leaving him altogether.
verbosity 19
I find it interesting that nearly every poster assumes Sheena’s fiancee is automatically stalling without good reason. Sheena’s own words are conclusory and contain a lack of backstory that may omit important facts for providing accurate advice. Sheena wrote, “He has postponed the wedding once (due to a very real financial crisis). We agreed on a timeline for us to set the next date and he is stalling again. I want to be proactive about this but I don’t want to force him into a wedding he doesn’t want.”
The only fact that may paint a more accurate picture is the financial crisis he had. It is quite possible that this crisis has not completely passed, and that this is the reason for the lamented delay in setting a date. It seems a lack of communication exists – from Sheena to fiancee regarding her frustrations, and from finacee to Sheena regarding reasons for not moving forward. I submit this may be the real problem. (Unless, of course, there has been perfectly clear communication that was omitted from Sheena’s post, which is entirely possible). If poor communication is the issue, perhaps Sheena should not marry fiancee.
Even taking into account what I just typed, the other posters are correct regarding their take on ultimatums. I do wish that the posted questions contained more facts besides conclusory statements. It makes for more accurate and comprehensive responses.
hunter 20
to Steve,
…a common practice all over europe, older women with younger men. There is a role reversal over 50. Older women no longer “bond”, they intellectualize…..
JenNYC 21
Sheena,
What does your heart tell you? I think you already know the answer, but sometimes we need to mull these things over with others as we know our friends and family are generally not the most objective people.
Love can keep us in a relationship and it can also keep us from getting what we want. Calling it quits with someone you truly love and see a future with is unbearable and will cause a lot of heatbreak and pain. It is harsh, but the truth. On the other hand, staying in a relationship where your needs are not met, in my oppinion and from my experience, is more painful in the end. You read all of these comments from people who got divorced 15 years later, when they knew or stuck around with the guy or girl hoping it would work out or things would “get better.” I am not saying we are all fortune tellers and can predict what will happen in realtionships, but if you are living what is NOT happening, than you have some tough decisions to make.
Evan’s analogy regarding oral sex is right on. There are some things we accept and feel we can manage with, and others that are total deal breakers. I left a man I loved and was with for six years (okay friends for six years and dating that lasted only six months) because as we continued to date, he continued to withdraw, refuse sex, and was not emotionally connected with me at all. (Of course I blamed myself and said if I looked “better” he would want to have more sex with me, but than I opened my eyes and stopped kidding myself and realized whomever he married was going to have a husband who had not sexual interest or interest in affection or emotional attachment.)
As I wrote in SOOOO many of my past comments, it hurt like hell. It hurts more than anyone can imagine to NOT have someon you love so much not give you what you need. Granted, I am not making an assumption your man isnt affectionate or engaging in a healthy sex life with you, but he is emotionally neglecting you because you want something that he just does not either need or deem important in your relationship: MARRIAGE.
If you can ask yourself why getting married is so important to you, than you will understand why this is bothering you so much. As Evan said, some people do not need MARRIAGE to feel they have a complete relationship. I know I do, and I also know WHY I want to be married. I do not have to explain my reasons to anyone but myself (and my therapist of course).
So where does that leave you? It leaves you in a position of making a choice, also as Evan wrote. The funny thing about life is WE DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE CHOICES about what we will choose to accpet and what we will not. No one can make that choice but you but I do strongly suggest you utlize your family and friends for support regardless of what you choose.
Not one person on this website, commenting on your question answer this question for you. I will offer you support and strength because nothing is harder than possibly making a decision to walk away from someone you love so much and whom you want to give you something he just may not be capable or willing to give you.
Keep us posted and remember, you deserve what you want. It is not as you are saying I wont marry this guy unless he buys me a three carot ring because I believe I am worth it! You are just a girl who wants to get married, and why in hell shouldnt you have that?
Jen
downtowngal 22
For those of you supporting Sheena’s fiance’s reluctance to set a date because of (possible) financial reasons, here’s my thought – after being together for 7 years, why should a financial issue be something standing in the way of making that commitment? Unless it’s an issue of paying for the wedding, setbacks such as money, health, etc. happen in life and they can be there after the wedding. And if you can’t deal with this now as a couple, imaging what your marriage would be like.
I know people who’ve been married for years and have endured economic setbacks – it certainly tested their marriage but they pulled through.
hunter 23
to downtowngal,
allright, I like your response….
LS 24
Hi Sheena,
Just one quick question.
No one has mentioned communication.
Have the two of you actually discussed your concerns with each other? Some how I get the feeling that the two people who are at the heart of our discussion have not had one of their own.
Steve 25
hunter Jan 6th 2008 at 08:51 am 20
to Steve,
a common practice all over europe, older women with younger men. There is a role reversal over 50. Older women no longer bond, they intellectualize..
Hunter;
I don’t think I completely understand your message or how it exactly relates to the points I made. I’m interested in your thoughts. Would you care to expand upon what you wrote?
Steve 26
downtowngal Jan 6th 2008 at 06:44 pm 22
For those of you supporting Sheena’s fiances reluctance to set a date because of (possible) financial reasons, here’s my thought – after being together for 7 years, why should a financial issue be something standing in the way of making that commitment?
Exactly.
My father was struggling financially when he and his second wife got married. He bought her a ring without impressive financial value and they got married at a justice of the peace. That was almost 20 years ago and they are still going strong.
Bottom line, they really wanted to be married to each other.
Steve 27
verbosity Jan 6th 2008 at 08:38 am 19
I find it interesting that nearly every poster assumes Sheena’s fiancee is automatically stalling without good reason.
What could be a good reason that would last for 7 years? If you subtract 2 years to allow him an opportunity to get to know her then you have
- 5 years to resolve any given financial issues, if you accept that as
an excuse for not being married.
- 5 years to go to a therapist to learn how to drop any maturity
issues or emotional baggage with being married.
verbosity 28
Steve,
Before you take mine, or anyone else’s comments out of context, please read the posts carefully. Sheena wrote her finacee of 1 1/2 years already postponed the wedding once due to a financial crisis. Common sense and basic logic dictates that the financial matter occurred within the last 18 months since he had to (1) propose, thereby making her a fiancee, (2) have financial crisis, leading to (3) postponement. Therefore, fiancee did not, as you falsely asserted, have 5 years to resolve financial crises. The 5 years to go to a therapist/maturity issues crack is simply a cheap shot at the finacee and uncalled-for, especially given the lack of background facts.
Your use of my comment in such a way is either very erroneous or disingenuous. The readers can decide for themselves which is accurate. Please refrain from doing so again.
hunter 29
to steve,
I believe you wrote, …..but there is a perception(mistaken or not), that older women, have tougher time finding romantic opportunities…..I was adding on to this……..
Steve 30
hunter Jan 7th 2008 at 05:49 pm 29
to steve,
I believe you wrote, ..but there is a perception(mistaken or not), that older women, have tougher time finding romantic opportunities..I was adding on to this..
Okay, I see what you mean now, though I am not sure I agree. It seems like the older woman younger man thing most times is about sex and not romance/companionship. Women also live longer, usually with better health so I imagine things get even tougher in later years
done 31
all i want to say is i could not stop laughing when i read Evans comparison. f-ing hilarious!!! even though i wanted to be offended i simply couldnt. it was too f-ing funny!!! anyway, i think its sooo very cool that so many people have taken interest in sheenas problem. im going to be very open and tell sheena that i too have been in your situation. this valentines day would be 9 years for and my x fiance who i just it off with. we got engaged (finally) on june 9th, the whole nine yards , a beautiful emerald 1.5 carat engagement ring, down on the knee, my mom everyone there. and then sheena when we got engaged, this man becomes the worst part of himself. instead of saving for the wedding he suppossedly wants, he goes out and leases a lexus, moves out of his parents house finally at age 31 and at my request and rents a 2700 dollar a month 2 bedroom condo that he cant afford, and basically goes into “self absorbed” mode. i waited 9 freaken years for this shit? i finally was able to see him for who he was even after all the years of knowing he was a very materialisitic, self absorbed, immature, man, i just thought, he would grow up one day. but sheena, there will always be an “excuse” for why the time isnt right, certain decisions were made, and blah blah blah blah blah, honestly men do what they want to do. they’re good at it. we should learn from them. we are always thinking of others and trying to be “fair” and “sensitive” to their needs. why? when certain men can be so selfish with us, our time, our needs? why do we allow that? many people have stated “if he wanted to marry you he would” i believe my fiance does “want to ” marry me. do i believe he wants to marry me more than he wants to be looked and feel like a “rich and successful” man instead of the immature indebt materialistic child that he is? NO. I DONT. Heloves me, Your fiance loves you. But theres something they both love more than us. THEMSELVES & THEIR NEEDS. There is something they fear more than us leaving them… BEING CONTROLLED, AND BEING FAILURES.
So face what you are looking at and make a decision for yourself. They are wonderful loving men full of excuses and issues. Do you want to wait around till they get it together? I will always love my ex for the time we spent together. But i decided to follow his example and PUT MY SELF AND MY NEEDS FIRST LIKE HE ALWAYS HAS. I dont regret spending the last 9 years waiting for the outcome of our relationship to show itself, i will only regret it if i waste anymore time waiting for the child in him to become a man. His issues are no longer my problem. If i would have married him, well obviously they would be.
the hardest part is seeing things for what they are. its not us they love us. the best way they can. its a matter of how long we choose to wait around for them to figure out who they are and what they really want. im done waiting. its time to move on. goodluck to you. i know believe me i know what your going thru.
all my best to you
nysharon 32
I liked the BJ analogy but yet I never really got why woman won’t. Anyway, this post brought me back. I am 50 looking back to age 27, when I spent 3 years with a guy who wouldn’t commit and was completely narcissistic. I finally had enough and ended it. One month later his new girlfriend (who I later found out he met while we were together) and her infant child from another relationship moved in with him to the house I helped remodel and thought would be mine one day. One year later they were married. I was hurt then, but I ran into him over the summer and boy, am I glad I walked away then. Phew.
BeenThruTheWars 33
It’s amusing to see all the hair-splitting going on here about the details of Sheena’s situation… or would be amusing if we weren’t talking about a real human being’s heart.
In this situation, if Sheena were my friend or sister, I would not be advising an “ultimatum.” I would be advising a clean break and a fresh start. This man has had 7 years to decide whether he wants to marry you. He has decided to date you indefinitely and continue giving you excuses and putting you off, and you are allowing it. The various remarks above about “communication” and “giving the man the benefit of the doubt” are off the mark, in my opinion. First, the communication that is going on from this man is crystal clear. He isn’t marrying you, he won’t even discuss setting a date. Men communicate with their actions much more strongly than with their words. You can patiently and sweetly ask him every day between now and Halloween of 2011, “Honey, help me understand your hesitation, what’s the problem, why don’t you want to set a date and get married?” and you will get lots of words and sputtering and building resentment from your man for “pressuring” him but you won’t be any closer to getting happily married (key word, happily) to this fellow than you are now. He is telling you with each passing day “I like things just the way they are for right now.” The contract you have between you at this point is to keep the status quo. That’s what he’s offering and by accepting it, you’ve signed on to this maddening wait in a go-nowhere relationship. Secondly, the remark about giving him the benefit of the doubt. You give a man the benefit of the doubt for two years, maybe a couple months after that, and after that point you either read the handwriting on the wall or turn a blind eye and poof! Five more years go by and you find yourself in the situation you’re in. Seven years? That is some serious doormat territory, and remember, I bailed after my own seven-year go-nowhere disaster of a relationship. I’ve been there. It won’t get better.
My cousin dated a woman for 25 YEARS. They lived together for over 20 of those years. Finally, they decided to get married. Well — she finally issued him an ultimatum. After 25 years. Guess what? They got married… things deteriorated even further… and he filed for divorce. Game over. The only thing that salvaged that marriage was the reality check from his accountant telling him how much he stood to lose financially by divorcing her after their common law relationship of so many years. They are still together… but happy? No.
Another poster noted that no one on this site can make your decision for you; wiser words were never spoke. I believe we all wish you the best and hope you will find happiness.
Jessica 34
A very good elderly friend of mine, who was happily married for over 50 years before his wife passed away (they really loved each other, and also worked hard to compromise, trust and make it keep working as well) had a good friend named Chia (with a hard “c”). Chia dated a man named Al for 50 years – they took trips together, they lived next door (never together) and they too were truly very happy. When asked why she never married Al, Chia replied, “I didn’t know him well enough to marry him.” So, I guess we will never know someone else completely, or even ourselves, but we keep striving to change, grow, and know as much as we can. And try to find someone else on a similar wavelength. If both people are happy, then it is jake if they want to date for a long time or forever (until one of them departs this earth as happened with Chia). But if it isn’t truly working for both people, then definitely need to see why and what, if anything reasonable and feasible (for both parties) can be done about it. If the answer is nothing or not enough, then the one who isn’t being fulfilled, has to be enough for themselves for now to walk away. I wish you the best and hope you get your wedding date – with your fiance, or in the future with another man.
Victoria 35
Evan, I just have to say: your sense of humor is hilarious! Just discovered your blog today and you get all the answers right!! …As for the girl and her fiance – you can stay together without being married if you really love each other and want to be with each other, if you want different things you need to go each your own way. I think it’s pretty simple. I know someone would say: “but I invested 7 years into the relationship” – that’s how most Americans think, but so you also had fun and hopefully a fantastic time together. Life goes on…
Rachael 36
Hrm. As others have said, the only person who can decide whether this guy is worth waiting for is you. And while all men are different, I suspect that ultimata don’t work well on the vast majority of them. And anyway, who wants to be with a man who is only with you because you threatened to walk away?
My own experience, though, is one that causes sisters and best friends everywhere to gnash their teeth and pull out their hair. I dated my husband in graduate school for four and a half years. He was the classic commitmentphobe (and to be fair, I had issues that needed dealing with – nothing’s ever all one-sided). We split up, but remained friends. He had a two-plus year relationship with someone else; I moved back to California to do a postdoctoral fellowship.
A year and a half after we split up, he also relocated to California, less than an hour from me. We did the occasional movie or baseball game, and when he and his now long-distance girlfriend split up, we began seeing one another more often. All this time I was dating other men, none seriously, but with the intention of finding a new partner. But none could compare with the feelings I once had for him. (I’m aware I wasn’t really giving any of them a fair chance, here.) My sister and girlfriends thought I was insane. The man had his chance, he blew it (hey, they love me, what else were they going to say?), move on.
To make a long story short (too late), after another year and a half of casual dating, we fell in love again, and two months after we decided we were serious, he asked me to marry him. We got married in October. Next month will be the 10th anniversary of our first date. It was, in every way, worth the wait.
So…sometimes they just aren’t ready. And it doesn’t mean anything but that. They’re not there yet. But only you can decide if he’s worth the wait. And, well, whether you CAN wait.
M Garcia 37
Wow, I gotta say I can’t believe the number of women I know that have been sitting and waiting patiently for their men to propose for years…even decades…why?? My husband and I met when we were in college, we started dating when I was 21 (he was 22), six months later we were engaged, and six months later we were married. We’ve been married two years now and it gets even better every single day that I’m with him. The same was true with my sister – she and her husband were the same age as me and my husband when they started dating, and they only dated six months and were engaged for three. They’ve been married five years and couldn’t possibly be happier.
My husband and I absolutely could not wait to marry each other – and we were FLAT broke. We had to put my ring on a credit card and pay it off slowly, we had just graduated college and neither one of us had a full-time job yet. Did it matter? No! We were crazy about each other and couldn’t wait to get married. The monetary excuses to me are the lamest – you’ll be paying bills separately and you’ll be paying bills together. Have a modest wedding and money isn’t an issue. But there is absolutely NO circumstance where it would take longer than 2 years to decide whether someone is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And, by that point you should certainly both know what your priorities in life are – whether they include marraige or not. If one of you values marriage and having children and the other doesn’t, no sense in staying together.
Last but not least – women need to stop moving in with men before they get married. All of this garbage about needing to live with someone before you get married to see if it works – that just makes me laugh. People who say that can’t be serious. Marriage is about compramise and fulfilling the other person’s needs – if both of you have that as the focus, you don’t need to “try it out” first – you’ll be fine. When women move in with the men they’re dating, the men will never commit because they’re getting all of the benefits of marriage with none of the pesky commitment. I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule, but that’s definitely the rule.
Good luck, and I hope you find the strength to make a clean break and move on to someone who can’t wait to marry you, just like my husband couldn’t, because you deserve it!
Angi 38
I am so glad that I found this page. I have just went through EXACTLY the same thing. My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and we got engaged, that was 4 years ago. I wanted him to set a date and wanted to start organising my dream wedding that my parentsa saved up for ever since I was a little girl. I asked him, shouldn’t we visit the minister, start planning, after all it was our special day. He wouldn’t commit, at 39 he was still living with his mum and I was at my parents, I am 28 and we had saved up the deposit for a house too, 3/4 of the money was mine and 1/4 his but all I could think about was that it was OUR money. I started looking for houses and then he started to get cold feet, he said that I was looking at expensive houses but I had done the sums and the houses were reasonably priced then came another surprise, he didn’t want children. In our 7 years together, he did want kids and I didn’t but then I changed my mind, playing with relatives children and baby-sitting for them and he wasa the man that I wanted to have kids with. So, I asked him how he felt about me, he said that he loved me. Then I said that I was willing to put all my money and time into a future with him. Yet another surprise, he said that he wanted to be able to go where he wanted and do what he wanted, but didn’t know where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do. This was a month ago and I think, such a waste, I still love him and according to him, he loves me. He walked away without a fight, that has gotta tell me something. I always thought we could work out anything, cause we weren’t just good together, we were amazing together. But its funny what you get when you start to plan for the future.