My Girlfriend Wants to Get More Sexual “Experience” Before Getting Engaged. What Should I Do?
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I’ve been dating this girl for two and a half years now – not just dating, but living with, I think that makes it all the more serious. We were good friends for a year before all this, which is why we were comfortable with starting dating and living together at the same time… The problem, I think, is that while I was her first, I had prior sexual experience with former girlfriends. Maybe it’s my fault, for wanting to broaden her mind, but now she’s assured me she’s going to have sex with another man, no one in particular, but just because she wants to have a certain level of experience before she commits.
Last summer, we had a “break”, some time apart, and I know she’s been with another guy, though just oral sex. Even though this devastated me, I agreed to get back together – she says she’s glad to have had time to figure things out, and in a sense, so am I. But now I’ve become more insecure about all this, and certainly this jealousy is putting a strain on our relationship. My problem is, she’s sure she’s going to sleep with another man, and that she doesn’t want to commit until she’s had “adequate” experience with sex and men; on the other hand at the moment we really are in love, and really enjoy being together – we can both imagine a long-term future together. Am I just avoiding future heart-break by not finishing it with her right now? Are we too young to marry (we’re both in early early twenties)?
I feel silly writing to an “internet dating expert” (don’t take this personally!) but I don’t know who else to turn to.
Love is complicated.
Thanks,
Chris
Love is complicated, Chris, and I’m sad to report that it just gets more complicated. The more you know, the more baggage, the more responsibilities, the more you realize you don’t know.
The more you know, the more baggage, the more responsibilities, the more you realize you don’t know.
So just be glad that you have many years to get burdened with the weight of life experience. In the meantime, to answer your questions in reverse order:
Yes, you’re silly for writing to an “internet dating expert”. As you know, everyone who dates online is a loser who couldn’t succeed with the opposite sex in real life. And when you account for the fact that I’m a 35-year-old single guy who has never had a relationship over a year – well, let’s just say you should be very embarrassed for even talking to me. I’m sure my clients, girlfriend, and mom all feel the same way.
Next: Yes, you are too young to marry. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule – my girlfriend just introduced me to her friend who got pregnant and married before she was 20 and they’re still together at 38. But this is beyond exceptional. Today’s generation – and even my generation – Gen X – can’t compare ourselves to our parents. The world has changed too much and everything seems to have been delayed ten years. I am of the full belief that 30 is the new 20, 40 the new 30, 50 the new 40, and so on. It takes longer to choose and establish a career; we have infinitely more dating choices; and gender roles and needs have morphed considerably. So while it would be nice and nostalgic to return to a time where 22 year olds had kids and grew up with them, like my parents did, it’s highly unusual. People simply change too much in their 20′s and 30′s….
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67 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry, Relationships, Sex
Amy 1
As someone who married her ‘first’ and realized later it was a disadvantage, I think you should let her go sow her oats. What you both have going for you is honesty. She told you she needed to experiment a little. Better she says that now than after you were married. And let’s face it, generally when someone feels that way after marriage, it rarely comes with such an honest disclosure. Perhaps discuss both of you being ‘open’ in terms of sexual experiences, but put a time frame down. At the end of that time you both can re-evaluate where you stand. And of course, promise safe sex in the meantime, and perhaps being tested when the oat sowing is done.
Damie 2
I dunno. Maybe it’s because I did my fair share of “sowing” before I finally committed to the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. But for me, I cannot even fathom being sexual with another man because of my love for my future husband. I agree that she needs to go explore if that’s what she really wants to do. I just wouldn’t worry too much about waiting around for her while she does it.
Markus 3
Chris,
I’m not trying to be an ass but, you are painting a bulls-eye on your head. If she loved you she would not want to be with anyone else, period. Put her shit on the lawn and set it on fire. Change the locks. Best of luck.
Paul 4
Boy it seems to me that if she really loved you, then why would she be thinking of having sex with other men? People who are truely in love with a person don’t think that way. I agree with Damie, that she shouldn’t even be thinking in those terms. I think you are too young to be considering marriage in the first place, but I also think that a women wanting sex from other guys while claiming to be “in love” with you, isn’t mature enough to understand true love – committment, sacrifice, etc. What you most probably have then is just ‘heat’ and not compatibility, which in the end is a lot more important (even than sex). Remember, every divorced couple had great chemistry at first. I also think it says something about a female that wants to go out and have sex with a bunch of guys in the first place – probably not the highest quality person…so the question then becomes is that the kind of person you really want as your future wife?
verbosity 5
to Chris,
“Look at actions, not words,” is a phrase I’ve found helpful. Here, at least she’s telling you what her actions are going to be. In effect, she’s telling you she wants to go bang other men. OK, that sounds crass, but go with it.
If monogamy is important to you, then you really have 2 options – (1) Part company now, or (2) part company later, once she’s already been unfaithful. Either one hurts. Guess which one heals faster & better?
Lastly, you also have to consider this – if she’s already telling you she wants to have sex with other guys now, how do you know she hasn’t? As they say, you’d be the last to know. If this option were true I concur with Markus’ sentiments, absent the arson.
In the end your choices are all the same….
Jennifer 6
I think you are in a rough position Chris. I think your girlfriend’s position is understandable, and its a testament to her character that she is being completely honest and upfront with you. I don’t have the feeling she wants to go out and bang the whole town, but she’d like to be with at least ONE other man. I may be in the minority, but I don’t think it means she doesn’t love you.
It may mean, though, that she doesn’t love you enough, or the way you want her to. Life is about trade-offs. She’ll have to decide what’s most important to her: gaining experience or risking ruining her relationship with you. I can understand her dilemma, as you can too or you wouldn’t be writing to Evan. I think it’s a tough situation with no easy answer: you just have to learn what you are and aren’t willing to accept and go with that.
Selena 7
She’s telling you she wants to be with other men, to get “experience”, but she doesn’t as yet have anyone in mind? She’s in effect telling you she’s with you until someone else she’s attracted to comes along–she wants to keep you around meanwhile, and perhaps if things don’t work out with the new guy.
Chris, people who are really in love don’t think this way. They certainly don’t PLAN this way. Either breakup with her now, knowing this about her, or wait until she DOES find the new guy and sleeps with him–up to you.
Jill/Twipply Skwood 8
“If this option were true I concur with Markus sentiments, absent the arson.”
Well I partially concur with Markus’s sentiments, sort of. I think. But I say DEFINITELY go for the arson!!!
KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m definitely kidding!!!!! I think you sort of leave out WHY she wants to be with other men. Have you talked to her about why it’s so important to her? I think it would make a difference if it was because she wanted to be more experienced so things could be better between the two of you (in which case, I believe they make instructional books for that purpose…) or whether she wanted make sure she you measured up (so to speak) or what…
verbosity 9
I agree with Selena, particularly the 2nd paragraph.
Zach 10
I think the main question you need to ask yourself is: When will she decide she’s had enough “experience” to be completely confident and comfortable with getting married? Also, will the answer she gives you be satisfactory (or low) enough for you to still be comfortable with being with her?
There is no other jealousy in the world like the one that will surface when you begin to think of your wife being sexually intimate with another man. If you think oral sex has you in flames, wait until you imagine her and her new lover.
If you are not the jealous type, then by all means keep her around, but understand this: by doing so your basically permitting her to cheat on you. If she was completely in love with you and ready for a permanent commitment her mind wouldn’t be wandering.
It has actually made me a little sick thinking that you would consider keeping her around after she made such a statement, but hey, that’s just my 2 cents.
Zach
Marc 11
If her blowing some guy devastated you, what do you think her having intercourse with 5, 6, or maybe 50 or 60 guys (or whatever number qualifies as “adequate experience”) will do to you? Dump her!
Ron 12
OK, here’s the solution:
Tell her that you will allow her to experience other men, as long as you can supervise.
Sounds to me like this gal wants to have her cake and eat it too (no pun intended). She’s not ready for marriage. You cannot just turn off the spigot like that after you’ve spoken the vows.
I’d dump her like driftwood.
Ron 13
I will say this in defense of the young woman – she probably doesn’t like the thought that Chris has slept with other women. Not that this can be held against Chris, since he did so before he went with her.
But, still, there’s an imbalance there and she might feel a little disadvantaged, perhaps even jealous that she has not had the same experiences.
I don’t want to make the gal out to be a demon or anything. Timing is everything, and it just sounds to me like she needs more time to be single and Chris probably needs to move on.
BTW, it is possible to deeply love someone and allow and even welcome them to have sex with other partners. It’s called an open marriage. I’m personally not in favor of it, but there are some people that can separate sex and love. There are couples that invite strangers into their bedrooms for a threesome (or moresome).
And there are undoubtedly thousands (if not millions) of wives that look the other way when they know their husbands are fooling around on long business trips.
But, I’d advise Chris to move on. Doubt means don’t. Don’t in this case is referring to walking the aisle with the little missy.
Selena 14
Ron,
Maybe she is a bit jealous, or resentful that he has had previous partners and she hasn’t. But I don’t know of anyone who was in love who felt they should go out and get laid to “catch up” before getting married.
I suspect the girl just isn’t ready to marry Chris and the desire for more “experience” is just a cover for any number of reasons. Like not really being in love with him for example.
Ron 15
I will say this about this blog site. Not only does Evan provide good advice, but the contributing commentors here do as well. They are usually spot on.
For all those thinking about writing in their questions, look upon it as free therapy…with a whole panel of therapists. And who says there ain’t no free lunch…
Markus 16
Chris,
Make sure to make a trail with the gasoline and then light the trail. You don’t want her pile of crap to singe your hair or burn your eyebrows off or anything. Peace.
Lance 17
Evan, I really liked your take on this. Everyone else, esp. the guys, you’re missing the really important stuff.
I totally respect and agree with her decision to get more experience. For her to self-actualize herself as a woman and as a sexual being, I think dating and having several partners is REQUIRED. I not only agree with her decision, but I deeply admire her for opening her eyes and embracing this at a young age. Young men are typically not able to get to this point.
The reason you’re feeling so much jealousy and negative emotion is because you have too much of a sense of OWNERSHIP over her. You don’t own her, just like she doesn’t own you. You don’t own her sexuality or her right to emotions. Release your ownership and allow her to explore what she needs to become a fully realized person. Sex and blowjobs are no big deal. Her giving a blowjob doesn’t make you a lesser man. You should be secure enough in your manhood and your position in life that this shouldn’t affect you. If you’re not, get to that point.
Your best solution, if you’ve got the stones, is for both of you to enter a dating phase where you BOTH see other people…this includes sex. My guess is you could use the experience too. At the same time you would also be cool with each other and see each other. It’s possible after a certain length of time that you’ll get back together and get married, although it might very well not happen. You’ll have to release all feelings of ownership and jealousy for this to be possible.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wanting what she wants; in fact I think it’s quite normal. I think it’s YOU who needs to sort out his inner game issues. If it’s true love, then you’ll be capable of getting past the sex thing and see each other on the other side. My recommendation is that you both sleep with 10 other partners and then in a year see where you stand. Always use protection and get tested regularly.
verbosity 18
Markus,
Don’t you mean kerosene? Lower ignition temperature…
Honey 19
I agree with Lance, in a way. I don’t think it’s possible to truly commit to another person unless you’re a) self-actualized and b) know exactly what you want in/from another person. Personally, I don’t think that in your early 20′s you are capable of either of those things. Like Evan says, they are gained through time and experience.
The phenomenon of ownership that Lance talks about is what I call the “pee effect.” As in, when you take your dog on a walk he pees on things to mark them as his territory. If you’re into water sports that’s great–it’s the *metaphorical* pee that I have a HUGE problem with. It doesn’t make the girlfriend a slut to want to have more experience with men; it just makes her young. It doesn’t make the boyfriend “not enough” that she doesn’t want to be exclusive; his interpretation that it does makes HIM young.
Dude, you are not a dog, and she is NOT your territory. Do NOT metaphorically pee on her. If she is not willing/able to give you what you need to be happy in a relationship, then she is *almost* what you want, not what you *actually* want. The difference between almost and actually is, all too often, divorce. Like Lance says, both of you should absolutely date other people. Keep dating each other only if you think it will add more happiness to your life than it will detract from it. Otherwise, decide that almost isn’t enough and move on.
Steve 20
It would be interesting to hear how some of the people who write in for help eventually resolve their problems.
Selena 21
Lance–
What if they didn’t find 10 people they wanted to sleep with in one year? (Or wanted to sleep with them?) I never have. If I did, seems like it would be a rather unhappy year. And what about the feelings of these 10-20 ‘conquests’? You think they’d all feel okay about being just a check off on someone’s list of “getting experience”?
Not to mention if you really wanted to be safe, that would mean going for STD testing at least 10 times in that year. Ugh.
Markus 22
“Self-actualization”. Give me a freaking break. I guess it’s a good thing my parents and grand parents and every other goddamned generation before them were self actualized. She wants out and she’s trying to do it without the risk.
downtowngal 23
Sounds like she’s not ready. Either that or she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
Yeah, it’s nice that she’s being honest but don’t make excuses for her. Chris, your feelings are real, it’s not about having a sense of ‘owenership, it’s having a sense of commitment and feeling hurt.
If the tables were turned and my fiancee said, ‘I love you but I really want to experience being with other women before I commit” I would tell him to take a hike. And I’m sure everyone else on this board would feel the same.
She very well could love you. I suggest breaking up….if it’s meant to be then get back together after a year or two. But until then it doesn’t make sense to have a relationship where one party is dating/sleeping/blowing other people.
Lance 24
Reply for Selena…
10 partners was an exaggeration, but even 2-3 would probably do them a world of good. I happen to agree with some of the other comments, she’s lost/losing attraction for him but I ALSO think she needs the experience. That’s legit.
For Chris, if he also dates and has sex with other women, it’ll help him get over his gf and ALSO create a jealousy affect with his ex, with might actually bring her back. I’ve seen this happen plenty of times.
Selena 25
Lance-
I don’t see it as about getting sexual “experience” per se, but rather, “seeing who else is out there” before settling down to marriage. Not an unreasonable thing to do in your early 20′s–as long as you’re not stringing someone who loves you along in the process. Which is what I think this chick is doing to our guy Chris.
Lance 26
Selena: I agree with you. I’d really like to see Chris (or anyone who is in Chris’s position) date around if the gf is going to date around, and I’d really like to see him not be devastated by the fact that she’s looking for another experience. He’ll only do that by “getting back in the saddle,” which we all know means additional partners/relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Incidentally, I do believe that you can desire more sexual experience AND be in love with your current partner. IMO those two items can exist at the same time, although you have to be a very mature pair of individuals to handle the relationship permutations that come from it.
Kim 27
The one thing I have not heard anyone say to or ask Chris is WHY does she want more experience? Is Chris lame in bed? Has she had a really good orgasm, or several in a row yet? Does the gf have unresolved fantasies that need to be explored? If any of the above are the case, I would suggest couples therapy and a good book on how to really please your woman. I think one of the reasons most women break up with guys after being with them for a while, even if they have strong feelings for them, is that the sex sucks. Let’s face it, men are going to orgasm pretty much every time, but if the woman isn’t being “self-actualized” (to borrow Lance’s phrase) sexually, and many women cannot orgasm unless there is both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, then she IS going to look elsewhere. The key to keeping a woman happy is to make her feel like a queen, both in and out of bed, and that means satisfying her. If you do that Chris, she will be with you forever, and won’t care about any other guys. Indulge her fantasies, get out the massage oil and blindfolds, and give her the orgasm of her life. Trust me … she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you and the other guys will be a distant musing.
Lance 28
Kim, that’s an awesome comment, and something we all sorta skirted around. I was sorta hinting at it with my self-realization thing, but I should have said it straight. Chris, are you mediocre in the bedroom? If your gf isn’t getting off, you’re done for. Hey, most early 20′s guys suck in the sack. They just haven’t been taught what to do.
I have a great ebook recommendation for you that changed my entire perspective about sex. I can’t rave about it enough, and no I’m not a paid affiliate or anything like that. Try Daniel Rose’s Sex God Method. It’s excellent, and will increase your bedroom game tenfold: http://www.sexgodmethod.com/
ebook costs $39, but if you poke around you can download for nothing.
Steve 29
It may be heartbreaking now, but dump the bitch. She sounds like a slut and you are worth being with someone much better than her. Someone who you can trust.
Get rid of her and don’t look back.
verbosity 30
Run, Forest! Run!
Mattie 31
Kim’s point is great, Chris: buy a copy of the Kama Sutra or similar, and offer to, er, work through the whole book with your girlfriend!
Also Evan puts the matter into pithy proportion – and Lance’s contributions, from a similar standpoint, offer very sensible and helpful solutions.
At least your girlfriend has been completely honest, which has got to be an advantage as it demonstrates respect for both you and herself. Frankly, more power to her for wishing to explore and develop her own sexuality; God knows, nobody can do that for her – just with her (nuance)! This constitutes taking responsibility in my book – and, in this case, doesn’t appear to suggest that your young woman is even remotely sluttish (if she were, believe me, she’d be enthusiastically and energetically transforming herself into the village bike without reference to your finer feelings let alone knowledge!). Which would you rather have: a partner who’s frustrated in bed thanks to her real or perceived inexperience (and either blames you or herself with equally emotionally-disastrous results for your relationship in either instance) OR one who is relaxed about the whole thing, happily familiar with her own needs and how they are best met, and knows how to please a man?
But bear in mind that, while it is certainly possible to feel desire for lots of other people when in a committed relationship as it is also possible to love more than one partner – it is NOT possible to be wildly in love with more than one person at a time! Being in love fixes one exclusively upon the love-object and has a terrific effect on the libido, so maybe this is what is lacking?
If someone’s not ‘wildly in love’ at/near the beginning at your age, then perhaps you both ought to agree to look elsewhere sexually – and definitely live apart. Nothing lost, as you’ve obviously established a good friendship which is a considerable and valuable achievement.
Why not see what happens, while you both separate as lovers and look around – after all, time is very much on your side: what’s the rush? Just don’t play games, or manipulate other partners.
Buy the book, anyway, or take up Lance’s referral – and start working your way through it safely, with new partner(s). At least you’ll have an awful lot of fun before life gets too serious – as it will do, I fear, sooner or later. [Oh, and if you DO buy the KS, you can ignore the section which calls for two yaks, a gallon of yoghourt and a bungee-rope (Ha! Only joking, honest!).]
Now, where did I park my yak …?!
Mattiex
Dee 32
Chris, I understand your GF’s position sort of. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years. We’ve lived together for 2 of it. We are committed to each other and plan on eventually getting married after grad school and stable jobs and such. He has slept with past girlfriends before me, but he is the only one I have been with ( by choice ). We are in our twenties.
I’ve thought about this situation over and over again. Yes, it does get to me once in a while when I think about the fact that he has been able to experience different things with different people, and that sexually I have only been with him. It isn’t the fact that I was lacking experience but more that we hadn’t gotten the chance to experience the same things. I don’t think he knows that I think about this suject, because if it were an issue I would tell him. You see, I love him with my whole heart and would never do anything to hurt him. If I didn’t love him, I would have left already OR I would’ve tried pulling what your gf tried to pull on you. A relationship is a relationship. If you even have to question this 1) you’re a great guy for thinking about letting your women sleep around ( dumb, but you’d have to be great) and 2) you are going to get hurt because she is going to end up leaving and breaking your heart.
Bottom line: sleeping with other men would have probably benefitted me I guess, but if she really wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of your lives, she would feel the way I feel and would be proud that she’s only been with the man she fell in love with and spending the rest of her life with.
Best of luck-Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
Dee
hunter 33
to dee,
…sounds like you are married, most women marry from the neck down….men we need a certificate to be married…
fokoyo 34
MY GUY IF YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE DOMP THAT ASS SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU IN ANY WERE THERE A LOT OF GIRLS IN THE WORLD SO DUMP DUMP DUMP HER
Kaylie M 35
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We dated for about 2 years before we decided to have sex, the first time for both of us. We are still very much in love and would not even consider having sex with other people just to gain more “experience.” If she really loved you, she wouldn’t want to have sex with anyone else. It seems like she is afraid to be alone. There are plenty of other girls out there, you just need to look. Best of luck to you!
ANA 36
Hi Chris
Well, from a personal experience let me tell you my ex-boyfriend, who in fact I was going to marry until he left me. He is the only man I have ever sleep with I am 21 and I never had the need to sleep with other men or experiment with. But everybody has different ideas, the point is that if she really love you, she would not feel the need to sleep with other men. Real love comes with fulfillment, commitment, faithfulness, and above all respect. I don’t think it means that she doesn’t love you at all, it just means that she is not ready to be completely into you.
Take care
Erik 37
Chris, your girlfriend has lost attraction and interest in you. Move on!
Mike 38
I think if she wants to have sex or do anything else with another man you should just leave her. You are just setting yourself up for a live time of trouble. What if she sleeps with a guy that as a STD or something and you catch then your fuckeT!
sameer 39
i am amresh 20 years old.my girlfriend is pooja whose age is 20 years.
i have kept all the physical relations with her.
but her interest is to keep physical relations with other man and also with me.
so in which way i will tell her dont keep relationship with other man.
now i am under tension.
plz give sugeetion imediately.
skitzo 40
sadly i wouldn’t know what to say to you hun, since I’m in the same situation, I’m not ready to marry but i do want this girl to make up her mind. i tell her that i feel she’s keeping me around for incase she doesn’t find someone and I’ve been stupid and just blind myself of the truth. she was a virgin when we got together, then she wanted more a relationship with other guys, since thru out high school she didn’t have that. She claims to love me, yet tells me she loves my brother, well a friend that’s been like a brother to me(though not much of one since they’ve kissed while i was around) Luckily i wasn’t sober and didn’t see, but i had my feelings that something had happen.. trust me when i say this isn’t going to end well, your insecurities will kill you inside, if not drive her away. I’ve tried ending it but I’m weak and she wins, always getting me to forget at least for a while well till i see the txt on her phone. there’s no easy way to say this but i think we both need to just let go. not only for our own sake but since you love her I’m sure you don’t want her regretting you being the 1st and the last one she’s with, maybe she wont now but its very possible that later in life she’ll tell you she’s unhappy and that its all your fault for wanting to keep her trapped. or for possibly keeping her from the one that would make her complete, but if you let her go she might just tell you that you’re giving up on the one that truly loves you. We know that it should end, the answer isn’t hard to figure out. What’s hard is admitting to yourself that its really over. We purposely blind ourselves to keep from hurting, feeling like a failure, worthless. Etc. there’s only so much one can keep bottled, eventually that bottle will burst, and you’ll have to deal with it then. The question has never been should you break it of? Its when will you decide enough is enough!?
Kris 41
I can see how she could be afraid of not having the single life experience but in my eyes according to what youre saying you two are married. You have your lives together the only thing is that you aren’t married on paper. What would honestly change when you two got married. probrably nothing you would just maybe decide to have kids but your relationship is at marriage level.
Sahaja 42
To all of you guys who have gfs who want more experience or vice versa, please take note of all the ppl commenting above. You can not stop what he/she does, only what you do. If they want to do something outside of the relationship, 1 – there is not saying they havent already and 2 – you are not in the relationship that you want and deserve. And neither of you will be happy in it. So get out now – You can hold up hope they will change their mind, and some do – but the likelihood is not high. I feel like Im restating a lot of what is said – but bottom line – open communication, figure out what you want and WHY , both of you, and if you can not reconcile both, you’re going have to end it and move on and hope for the best. Thats all I can say – you’d save a lot of pain that way.
Kris 43
Dude I’m going through the same thing… except I was with the girl 8 years engaged for 1.5 years, then she is to start university and she’s heard all the helpful ‘advice’ from other women who tramped around while in school and it’s causing her to have massive doubts.
I’ll tell you what I went through and you can make your own mind up of what to do buddy but you’re damned if you do and damned if you dont.
Year 6 she had an affair with my friend. It was an emotional affair nothing physical but it was totally traumatic and probably would have gotten physical if I didnt find out. The guy was fat, dorky, married with 2 kids and wife was pregnant, plus he was 16 years older than her (I’m 7 years older than her) so it was an ego-killer.
I worked with her on it and we toughed it out and then a year later we got engaged (hey if you can make it through that you can make it through anything, right?) Well six months of being engaged go great then she starts to get a little ‘off’.
The stupid “experience” crap comes up again with the helpful women in the family, friends. Comes back to haunt us. We work through our issues and both of us are trying like crazy for 16 months, but nothing made her happy, she always found reasons to complain about the life we shared together. None of the complaints really mattered, she would forget about them and each time they would be different.
In the end she packed up her crap and moved out and says she “doesn’t want to committ to a relationship right now”, needs to “figure herself out” and all that bull. She, like your girl, totally loves me and sees herself spending the long years of life together and raising kids and wants to stay friends and kind of have a no strings attached on and off relationship but it’s bull, she obviously wants to take up the advice and try it out with some other men, even though she loves me. Its like she is pushing herself to do it, there’s no other guy in the picture and she’s not even going out trying to meet any.
And because someone asked, yes I can please this woman. I almost always make her come at least 2 or 3 times except maybe when I’m having an off day. My record score with her is 14 times in one session, second record is 9 times which was after we separated. I’m not some adonis we just click.
Honestly your best bet is to put it to her real plain, I just had to do it after 2 months separated and this on and off crap and it’s super duper hard to do but it’s the only option you have. Tell her, you’re with her and she’s with you and there’s no other guys, or she doesn’t get to have you and you’re going to go off and find someone else and live a life without her.
Don’t close the door on her entirely or anything, because there is the odd chance that she may change her mind after a while and come running back, but don’t count on it at all. Actually, live under the assumption that she never, ever, will and it will do you more good than anything, it may actually encourage her to come running back.
But the key is this: don’t be a doormat. Don’t be that guy that she can come and have sex with when she can’t meet someone else to have sex with. Don’t be that guy who will always take her call and always hang around with her when she’s lonely. Don’t be the guy who will help her fix crap. Don’t be the “fallback man” because then she will associate you with feeling guilty and you may never get her love back anyway. You will keep letting both yourself and her enter some half-assed relationship with no committment and feelings of guilt and neediness and each time her “romance clock” will reset back to zero for you.
If she’s ever going to come back to you 110% she needs to feel what it’s like to truly be without you. Sorry bro. See as I was typing out this crap my ex called right now because she needed help with something. Murphy’s law works. Trust me on that one, as counter intuitive as it feels.
Peter 44
Nobody can say what to do, but I can share my experience.
After ten years of marriage, my wife asked me permission to have sex with another man, because she wanted to have the experience once in her life. She felt that she had the right to do that, because I have had sex with another woman before our marriage. I did not sleep that night. The next morning I gave her permission because of the following reasons:
- I knew that she would do it anyway.
- I was sure that she would not leave me.
- Thinking of her having sex with another man turned me on.
- I loved her so much that I did not begrudge her the pleasure.
One month later she told me that she had slept with another man on a tour with her choir. Although the sex was very satisfying, she would not do it anymore. We are still happy together.
Cilla 45
Take her to an adult lifestyle resort and let her get her freak on with whomever she pleases. While you watch. If she truly just wants the experience, that will fulfill the requirement.
Derek 46
Chris,
Since this you have probably already made your mind up what to do by now and have done it I’ll make my post anyways.
I dont believe that she is necessarily saying she wants to be sexual with another man but more or less that she is unhappy with the sex life the two of you share together. Have you experimented with toys? Are you out of shape? Do you use the same ole same ole sex positions? These I believe are the trully important questions you have for yourself. If you trully gave her all she disired in the bedroom then there is no way she would want another man, regardless of her inexperience with other partners. Those questions I listed abover are a few that you have control of that can make the difference.
Good luck!
patty 47
She just wants to get her score even with what you have. Imagin the pain she feels when she thinks of the experiance you have. God she just feels the only way that she can ever feel right about this is if she has sex with someone else too. She doesnt want to. Its you. Its because of your past.
She loves you. And you most definatly please her.
Seductress Within 48
She’s telling you that she is not ready for such a serious commitment at her young inexperienced age.
She wants to date other men. She’s using the “excuse” that she wants more sexual experience because it’s convenient. It works because you have had others and she hasn’t.
But I don’t believe a women wants to increase her numbers for the sake of numbers. I believe it goes deeper than the sex issue.
I think she wants the freedom to date/and have sex with other people because she is young and not sure that you are the one.
Maybe she thinks that using the “I need more experience” excuse will hurt you less because then it’s not about you.
joe 49
if she wants to mess around on you..you straight up tell her that your just gunna do it right back while shes off doing it. see her reaction.
Autumn 50
I’ve been in the same situation as your girlfriend. I loved a guy but I wasn’t ready to completely commit to him without seeing “what else was out there.” We considered going on a break or having an open relationship. My boyfriend at the time would have agreed to any of it; he loved me that much. I knew that it would only hurt him if he had to “share” me with other guys and it would hurt me to have to hide a part of life from him. Even though I was convinced that I loved him, had considered marrying him, and thought of him as my best friend, I decided to end our relationship of 4 years. After the initial pain passed, I realized that the reason that I wanted to “see what else was out there” had less to do with getting sexual experience and more to do with the kind of relationship we had. He loved me more than I could ever love him and I was aware and bothered by this fact. Although I didn’t take advantage of it, I felt like I ALWAYS had the upper hand in the relationship. I realized that I wanted something more mutual, where I wasn’t calling all the shots. I wanted someone that challenged me as a person and demanded my respect. The moral of the story for you is this: end it now, with no intention of getting back together. It is likely that she has other trepidations about the relationship anyways. Further, if she can’t see how much it would hurt you if she went out and got busy with other men, then she doesn’t love you as much as you thought; you deserve to have someone love you as much as you love them.
Rob B 51
It this happened to me, I would tell her that she can sleep with whomever she wants, once our relationship ends. And if I ever found out that she did sleep with someone else while we were together, the relationship would end right then and there…. even if we’d been married for years and this occurred years ago. Don’t put up with this. If she loves you she will not want anyone else. just the fact that this subject has come up is a HUGE red flag.
Sean 52
Or…you could take advantage of her promiscuity and see if she’s open to a…well, “open relationship”. Heck, see if she’s got some girlfriends who could join you for coitus.
matt 53
ok, now i realize im probably the odd one out here, but ive been with the same girl since i was 16 and she was 14, shes never slept around on me, and ive never cheated on her, now i wont say ive never wondered what sex with someone else would be like, but its not something id ever really want, ive talked to her about her feelings on it too, and shes gotten upset to the point of shedding tears because i “suggested” she might like to sleep with another guy, we both have very strong feelings with that stuff, and i believe i know the real problem here, its not really that your too young, im only 22 right now and we are both engaged, planning the marriage for a few months from now, weve been together as you can see from my age, 6 almost 7 years now, so its not age, nor is it inexperience, its more to do with being happy with whom your with. when you are really happy with your mate, you dont want anyone else, even sexually, because your partner satisfies all things you wish. my personal belief coming from an inside view of a younger audience is that quite directly put… the modern generation is more carefree and less caring about each other. infidelity should be considered bad, unacceptable even, especially in cases where one of the couple are against it, were i in this position id tell her exactly how i feel, and if she still was intent on doing so, id tell her out right, doing that would cause me to leave, because theres no way id stay with a person looking for reasons to cheat.
Kurt S. 54
Chris has no balls whatsoever and should in his “man card.” If his girlfriend is considering sleeping with other men, then she obviously doesn’t love him and he should move on and try to find a woman who does love him.
Azz 55
I am 25 and This happened to me in a way we have been married 4 years and together 9 she told me she wanted to experiment befor we got married i was reluctant but as time went on i warmed up to the idea and it was her way of getting me to partner swap and now we have had a great time living the lifestyle at 6 years and we still love each other and swing
Ang 56
I agree with Damie, I find it unfathomable to sleep with others whilst being in love with my partner. I think that anyone who wants to sleep around whilst being in a serious relationship is pretty much unfaithful inside even if they are being honest. Sexual relationship should not override love, it should be the other way round. If you think you made a mistake marrying someone who is rubbish in bed, and either cheat or want to cheat, then you should have stayed single, sleeping with anyone you wanted. The only time people should do want Lancie suggests, is if the people involved are not serious, but are having sexual dates to find a match. If you have been in a serious relationship with someone, it is not something you should do, Chris. And if people (and I am not talking about open marriages practiced by a small minority) want sexual partners after marriage, it means they have no respect for their partners or self. I am quite far-left, but I still think that ”traditional” relationships are a good thing, whether people are homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual.
Connor 57
As a 17 year old guy, my advice is most likely not going to influence you much but I do have a small amount of experience in this area. You see, I’ve had my girlfriend for a little over a year now and (however unlikely it may seem) we do intend to continue our relationship beyond highschool. After a lot of open honest talking with one another, we’ve come to the conclusion that in order to give us the best chance to stay together, we need to both get more experience on our own. We intend on doing this by taking little “breaks” where we are free to do as we please. I understand that this concept may seem odd but with young couples it may make things much easier down the road. Now there’s always the other option of talking to her and telling her how you realy feel. Perhaps knowing how much you care may sway her decision.
ted 58
if youve been together all this time over 3 years no so you say, i dont get why she has to get expeience before you are married. i think shes just looking for a way out . the only thing she seems sure about is moving out ( i hope since youre no longer exclusive) as this woman i met used to say. i hope she at least has the decency to move out so you dont have to meet her new whatever.
i would start preparing myself for a breakup if i were you
good luck
Yosh 59
Oh my god, 30 is the new 20?!!?! That makes me feel a lot better! Thanks Evan!
LCFR 60
BRO! you are an idiot for putting up with her shit, so she gave some dude a blowjob and you took her because she is not sure if she has experience? what a lame load of shit that is.
If people love each other this issue should not exist. So after when she gets married she gets unsure again and then you will be a door mat and she runs off again, fuck this. Luckily there are plenty of women who give it up so easily and you dont have to commit.
STOP BEING A WOOSE and tell the bitch to take a hike! Save yourself some headache.
Billy 61
I’d break up with her…you’ll eventually fall in love again, except this time, with someone who only wants you and doesn’t want to suck off and have sex with other men.
Trust me – deal with the heartbreak, and you’ll be happier for the rest of your life. Or you can avoid heartbreak now, but you’ll be dealing with this stress anyways and end up heartbroken anyways. You obviously aren’t okay with the thought of her sleeping with other men, so you definitely won’t be okay when she actually does it.
And if sex really means that much to her, she’ll prolly end up a cheater anyways. Okay, she was curious, so she went and had oral sex with a guy. You’d think that’d be enough, but now she wants to go further, with other guys? Obviously she liked being with another man and wants to do so again, so please man, just leave her, you’ll be way happier in the long run.
Daya 62
To all the guys posting above talking about how this guy probably isnt pleasing her properly and giving her orgasms, because you guys give your girls 14 or 9 or 4 in a session. That’s complete bull. If your girl is telling you she had more than 1 in a session shes just trying to do you a favor. Many girls will squeeze and moan and tell you they had 5 orgasms and youre amazing when in reality, if you know anything about sex, once a girl has a real legit orgasm her vagina will swell immensely to the point where youll have trouble even getting a single finger back in. Its possible to experience “2″ but actually its just one that gives the sensations of leaving and returning because of the adrenaline that starts pumping and messing with your brain.
Jonathan 63
Would it be wrong to ask what has come of this?
I married young. My ex wife was 21 and I 22. We had been together for over 11 years since High School, and had only slept with each other. I started getting hints that she wanted to experiment with other people before we got married so I set something up with someone I knew she thought was cute and a friend of mine. I guess it was a pretty innocent 3 sum where she had oral with him while sex with me. It tore me up over the years knowing that she had enjoyed it. After 6 years of marriage, buying a house together she decided it would be in her best interest to leave me a for a co-worker of hers who was over 45 years old. 26 – 45…. Took me a while to get over her but I went from being with one woman ever to 15 to 16 in less than 2 years! Never thought of being with anybody else when I was married. Anyways the point im getting at like a lot of others have said If shes wanting to mess around now telling you that she loves you. You can almost guarantee shes gonna get what she wants. I hope you decided to break up with her and move on! But I would like to know how the story ends!!! P.S. Im dating a cool and hot 21 year old and almost 30 lol!
Tom 64
I can understand why she would feel inadequate, but it really isn’t fair to Chris. She should be thinking about it from his perspective as well. How would she feel if he said, “I haven’t fucked enough girls. I’m gonna go bang some chicks, see ya next week.” I doubt she’d just be like “okay then” and smile. It’s true that experience with other people can help get rid of curiosity that later on can lead to divorce, but once you say yes to marrying someone, you’ve gotta let that shit go. She shouldn’t think just because he has had sex before her and she was a virgin before him that she is entitled to sex with other men. I’m the jealous type so I would be like “If you do, I’m leaving you.” but I can see how it could help them both as well. My point is, while it may help her and him with trust and any inadequacy in the long run (if they get married), it’s really not fair to him at all and she should learn to actually love him. If you love someone and you’re about to marry them, fucking someone else just because you want more experience (which in this case I think it’s her just wanting to know what it feels like to be with someone else) isn’t at all fair to the other person. Now if two people are swingers then good for them. No jealousy issues. But if a simple blowjob pisses you off, then I think you shouldn’t let her do it, or dump her. She has no right to say that to you when she already promised herself to you. My advice of what to do is talk to her about it, and maybe just spice up your sex lives. Sex in public, make a sex tape, try something kinky. It’s very possible she just needs a little more sexual excitement. But as ass-holish as it sounds, her saying that is cruel and while she is being honest, it’s still insensitive, considering how devastating a blowjob during a break was. To finish this, I say again, talk to her about it and if possible get her to just trash the idea, and if not then I suggest going on a break from each other.
d 65
I had a friend in college who was deeply in love with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. He was a stud himself. Football star, very good looking, funny, charming, etc. and a good friend. He could have been a player if he wanted to, but he was in love with only her so he proposed. She then said that she wasn’t sure, needed to date other men to know for sure before committing, etc.
He was heartbroken, so you know what he did? He started sleeping with all her friends, every girl on the floor she lived on, etc. Soon word got back to her and she immediately went to him and said, “Listen, I don’t need to see any other men, I love you let’s get married”.
So that’s what you must do my friend, “if” you want to marry her. Personally I would never marry her. She’s selfish and puts her own wants and desires over that of your relationship. But love makes people blind and they have to often go through it before they can see through it.
Good luck!
andy 66
If me and my girlfriend were in the same position I would let her have sex with other men as long as it was only sex, this girl wants more experience and if you love and trust eachother then it shouldnt be a problem she has needs and not surprising if your the onlyone she has had sex with
pat 67
Dump her. Find someone who respects you.