My Guy Can’t Get It Up. What Should I Do?
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Second, you should know that this is FAR more frustrating for him than it is for you. The only times that I’ve had trouble getting it up were the times that I HAD to (when my wife and I were trying to conceive). And I’ve gotta tell you, not being able to summon your penis when it’s been perfectly responsive (both voluntarily and involuntarily) your whole life is really trying. While I’m no doctor, I think it’s obvious that the more pressure a guy puts on himself to perform, the more he’s stuck in his own head, the less likely he’ll be able to perform. Factor in the pressure that you’re putting on him – as if he’s not just disappointing himself but disappointing (and rejecting) you, and, well, it’s no surprise that this problem hasn’t corrected itself on your watch.
Your body’s not the problem, but your attitude may be.
Put another way: your body’s not the problem, but your attitude may be.
As it stands, erectile dysfunction (ED), effects about 18% of the population, according to a study reported by the Mayo Clinic. For men aged 20-40, that number is closer to 5-10%. Unusual, to be sure, but not outside the realm of normal probability. Hell, I’m color blind, and that applies to 8% of all men, too. I can assure you, Brittany, that’s not your fault either.
If you’re going to turn this ship around – or get this elevator to rise, as it might be – you’re going to have to adapt a supportive, loving, no-big-deal stance to his temporary flaccidity. It IS hard to get it up when you’re not in the mood and your brain is buzzing with thoughts of work, lawsuits, and divorce, and you have to respect that.
While I can’t guarantee that you’ll solve his ED problem, I can promise you that your new attitude will not make it worse – something I can’t quite say about your current stance on his Royal Limpness.
(By the way, I’m not saying that you have to stay with him if he leaves you sexually dissatisfied; I’m saying that if you’re GOING to stay with him, being supportive, easygoing, and positive will be the most effective way to help him with his problem – instead of making it all about you.)
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50 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
Marc 1
It’s most definitely him, not you. It doesn’t take much for us to get it up when everything is working okay physically and mentally. Clearly he has some issues to attend to, but it doesn’t at all sound like he’s turned off by you. But if you give him a hard time about this (no pun intended) you will push him away. Patience, compassion and maybe some Cialis will solve the problem.
Real Men Secrets 2
People don’t like to talk about it but it may be cause from pron, his arousal levels got high so he is not aroused by his partner, if tat the case just make him stop watching it.
It’s is some other cause he should really try to exercise his CP muscles, i recommend using kegel exercises (for men)
Ian 3
Dan Savage on his podcast has addressed this issue lots of times. First he should make sure that there’s no physical problem with his doctor(probable at 35). He then suggests taking intercourse off the table for a period of time, which will take the pressure off of him. Do things which don’t require or expect an erection for a period of time (say a month) even if he gets an erection. Then if the erection is back after that period of time put intercourse back on the table.
helene 4
The part that’s slightly strange about all this is that he had problems INITIALLY, then things were fine… but now the problems are back. Its not so unusual for men to have temporary ED due to performance anxiety with a new partner, but usually once things get going they don’t look back. This is not what has happened in your case. As Marc said, cialis or viagra can help men with performance anxiety to feel more confident the first few times and so these drugs CAN be helpful even if the problem is more psychological than physical, so that might be worth a try… good luck!
Bear in mind however that if this goes on much longer it is likely to be an ongoing problem, so set yourself a time limit on how long you are prepared to give this situation. Whilst as Evan says, it is illogical for this to make you feel unattractive, nevertheless if it DOES make you feel unattractive, then you need to look after your own self esteem as well and not stay in a situation that makes you feel bad about yourself. Some women are confident enough in their own sexuality to cope with an ED problem without feeling unattractive or rejected, but that’s a tall order for someone as young as you are, so if its just too much for you, you should feel free to get out of the relationship and find someone less problematic.
Laura 5
Spot on as usual Evan. I would add…like most issues in a relationship, you should be looking for a team player. So, as Evan said, your job is to lean back (figuratively) and his would probably be to get his butt (and penis) to a Doc. Preferably a urologist. After ruling out physical possibilities for his ED….checking in with a therapist to vent about his stress regarding divorce, etc. might help. He needs to be willing to put his ego aside and take one fir the team!
JerseyGirl 6
Like Real Men Secrets said, I would consider his porn habits. This has become an increasing issue with men today who escape inside there computers and pornography. At 35 with a 24 year old, it darn well shouldn’t be her. He should be thanking his lucky stars.
myhonestanswer 7
It’s definitely not you! If it were in full working order, simply the phrase ’24 year old’ would do it for him, I’m sure.
Starr 8
He’s was going through a divorce and was given the opportunity to have sex with another woman and he couldn’t get it up? That sounds like a huge problem…seems he should be MORE excited at this prospect. Maybe it’s performance anxiety.
Sherell 9
Too early for this ish. And you are too young. Girl run!!
susan 10
taking anti depressants can affect erectile function and ability to orgasm. sometimes people don’t want to admit they are on such meds as they think they will appear ”weak”. silly, yes.
Darren Miller 11
Brittany, I can understand that it is doubly frustrating for a man when he can’t get or maintain a firm enough erection to make love. Not only does he feel unfulfilled sexually but it is so maddening to know you want to make love, know you desire your partner, but find yourself unable to control the crucial part of your body.
It’s even worse when your partner feels very threatened by your not making love to her and starts accusing you of not loving her or of having an affair.
So one of the first steps you have to take to resolve this problem is to be honest with your partner.
I know it’s hard for a man to admit he’s experiencing erection problems but the overwhelming majority of women are very understanding – in fact, they are often relieved to discover that’s what the problem is and it’s not because of them
Sharing this with your partner will also have the effect of relieving some of your anxiety – and that in itself will help since anxiety alone can cause, or certainly contribute to erection problems.
Most cases of temporary erection difficulties are simply cleared up if you and your partner agree that you won’t try to have intercourse for a while.
That absolutely does not mean that you give up intimacy and physical contact altogether – kissing, cuddling, caressing, doing everything loving, arousing and satisfying you feel like doing.
Massage is a good way to get that loving closeness, and stimulate your hormones and physical responsiveness. The only thing to avoid is attempting intercourse itself.
After a few days, or weeks, you should find that one time you have intercourse easily just because you weren’t worrying about it.
Gem 12
Brittany,
I’ll be blunt because it’s necessary. If you are not madly, completely, wildly in love with this man…..if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with him and have 5 kids with him….run as fast as you can NOW!
It sounds harsh, I know, but seriously. You are a young woman with your whole future ahead of you. This is a guy you’re dating for only a few months. He’s going through a divorce and is sexually challenged. Why get sucked into his current disfunction? Why? When there are plenty of healthy, sexually functional, single and available hot men to date?
Not to be mean to him….but to be kind to you. In a couple of month’s time you are insecure about your own sexuality now. As a woman, I’d be too, no matter how much I KNEW it wasn’t ME, I’d feel those pangs. So I don’t blame you, but now you both have a problem. Don’t make his problem yours.
Why get sucked into trying to FIX him or make his problem YOUR project. We women do that far too often. We often put the focus on the man’s issue, and forget our own needs. The longer we focus on the man’s issue and invest our time and help, and fight for the relationship, we don’t acknowledge that maybe the relationship isn’t worth fighting for.
AND, you may even process his problem in a way that makes you THINK you feel more for him than you do. Or you may get fixated on helping him because if you can cure him, then you can also prove to yourself that you are in fact hot and desireable (something you’re doubting now)…..I just see you getting sucked into disfunction and quite frankly, there’s not reason to for a couple months with a new guy.
If you are a happy, functional, hot, young woman, I simply ask, why? Is THIS man, at THIS time in your life worth it?
Do you love him THAT much? If at all? Not to be mean to him but HIS problem, honey is not yours. It’s far too new into the relationship to sign up for helper of his hard-ons.
Wish him well, and run……
Goldie 13
#10 Susan, that’s what I was thinking, that it could be a side effect of prescription meds, or alcohol. Either that, or the guy has a really bad medical condition that would worry me a lot if I knew him. I mean, a 35-year-old “even reached climax a couple of times” with a 24-year-old? this doesn’t sound like any 35-year-old I’ve ever met. I’d say the guy needs to go see a doctor, like, yesterday. For all I know, he may have bigger problems than ED.
And, yes, agree with everyone else on here, it’s pretty obvoius that the LW cannot be causing this in any way. If this is getting to her, to the point where she thinks she’s indesirable, then maybe the commenters who say she needs to leave are right
Sarahrahrah! 14
His problems could be indicative of pornography addiction, which is very common now. Like so many other commenters have already said, his problems are not your problems and you would be wise not to get (you and your self-esteem) sucked into them. Good luck!
Martha 15
I want to write to empathize with Brittany’s situation. I’m older than she and have encountered this issue with men a few times. It is very very very difficult to not take it personally when a man cannot get or sustain an erection. A man you care about who easily gets an erection makes you feel very desired and loved. When this is difficult, you doubt yourself. I would talk to myself and tell myself that it’s not rational, that I shouldn’t take it personally, but it is hard to not have doubts.
That being said, the man I was with who went to his doctor to talk about it was a keeper. He was concerned about his health, my needs and our relationship.
It wasn’t hard to say good-bye to one man who refused to go to a doctor. With another man I had a similar experience to what you described. Things were fine in the beginning, then there would be some difficulties. I’m guessing from what I’ve read that he had gotten too used to porn and taking care of business by himself because he began to make comments about “saving up for me” before I visited and there were no problems after that. I have no suggestions about how to approach the topic of porn use with a man. Sorry about that. I wish you the best.
Michael 16
What men often mean when they say, “I think you are sexy, and I really want you,” is more like, “darn, I should want you, and..,” which isn’t the same. So, the self-reporting of a man in such a situation isn’t all that reliable.
It could be about you only in the sense he’s really not that into you. He may like your companionship, may need it, but it isn’t a sexual thing. Many men don’t appreciate they want nurturing not sex. He may want someone to take care of him emotionally, not sexually, but not understand his own needs.
Now, it is important for him to be evaluated physically. Even at his age, he could have low-T, or any number of physical issues. If he is on a med like Prozac, there is no doubt it affects his ability to achieve an erection. High blood pressure meds, etc., and the list goes on. Is he willing to answer questions about these?
He should be willing to have a physical check-up with a specialist. If not, something’s going on, and it is being masked. Drop it or just be his friend.
Annie 17
If he is going through a divorce, then there may have been sexual problems within that relationship.
As an example, I got involved with a man who was going through a divorce years ago. His sexual experiences with his wife, were that she pretty much rejected him continuously, then when she finally “did ” give in, she would start talking about her mothers upcoming visit(as an example), while they were having sex. She really wasn’t into it.
She also had a very hard time climaxing, and would often “be done” and wouldn’t allow him to also enjoy himself. As a result, he had an issue, where he was in a constant state, of semi-erection. He could get erect, but it wouldn’t get very very hard.
But he was a very open man, and said, that he had problem really letting go, because when he finally really started to enjoy himself with his ex, she would end things and go to sleep.
It was almost as though he only allowed himself a 1/2 erection out of hope, but never full desire because he was alway’s afraid of disappointment. This pattern developed and became engrained.
I give that as an example, of why men can experience some sexual dysfunction.
So be patient, know it isn’t about you and I definately agree with the comment of taking sex off the menu for a while. Help him to feel safe with you, so he might be able to take the pressure off himself and enjoy sex once again.
Good luck.
Annie 18
@12
You seem very obsessed with taking care of yourself. Does it not cross your mind that this man, may have an issue that may take some kindness to help repair?
Do you feel any empathy at all for another or have you just been so burned out by your attempts to fix everyone, that you can no longer differentiate between when a help is needed and when you are being a doormat?
You sound so incredibly jaded Gem.
SS 19
Annie, @18
Sorry, but I have to agree with Gem @12 as well.
I was in a similar situation, minus the divorce part. I was unaware of this, but the guy I was dating had a sexual issue that dated back to his teen years, and although the physical issue was fixed, he still had mental and emotional hangups about it almost 20 years later.
So without me even knowing anything was wrong, this issue created a wedge between us. I went from having a sexually healthy mindset to suddenly developing my own insecurities because of the way he expressed the issue.
It was only at the very end of the relationship that I even knew what was happening, and that he told me the truth about his situation. By then the relationship was no longer salvageable, and really, it didn’t need to be salvaged for other reasons as well.
The bigger point though was that we had only been dating six months. We were exclusive, but we weren’t talking marriage for another few years, the relationship was just starting, and honestly? There was no need for me to play counselor and be supportive of someone who had not really done anything to let me know that he wanted me in his life longterm. It was a tumultuous six months for many reasons, and ultimately, it was best for all that it ended and that I didn’t spend much more time than I already had trying to be helpful and understanding. It wouldn’t have resulted in much benefit for us anyway.
We see the same for Brittany. In her case, this guy is recently divorced. HUGE red flag if she wants anything longterm with him, because the chances are very high that he’s probably not going to be looking for another serious long-term commitment oriented relationship with a woman any time soon.
Brittany SHOULD be focused on taking care of herself first and foremost in this situation. Just as I should have been in mine… I honestly can’t understand why women invest so much energy into men who they barely know and who’ve usually done little to warrant such an investment. She’s only been with him a few months. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if this man breaks up with Brittany in the next two months or so, because guys who are coming out of a marriage have a tendency to rebound really quickly (and often with much younger women) and then walk away when the relationship gets too heavy.
Now with a long-term boyfriend, fiance or husband? Absolutely I’m sticking around and attempting to help (or give him space to work things out). But that’s because I’d have more of an investment in the relationship, and hopefully, because he’s shown he’s the type of guy who is committed to me.
24-year-old women have MUCH better options than a man who was separated, now divorced, is rebounding and is having sexual troubles because of all that’s going on in his life.
BeenThruTheWars 20
I’ve encountered this problem from time to time, too (back when I was dating). How much does he drink, smoke and toke? Trust me, that is often the #1 cause of ED. Cut down on the booze, pot and tobacco, and watch things get back to normal (if that’s the issue). Note that cigarette smoking can, over a period of years, restrict those tiny capillaries to the point where no blood is flowing where it needs to be, and that damage can be irreversible.
Joe 21
If the LW was a man writing about dating a frigid woman, would there be the same number of people commenting that he should bail on the relationship?
Goldie 22
@##18 and 12, I kind of see where Gem is coming from. LW and her BF have only known each other for two months. It’s not like they’ve been married ten years and now Gem tells the LW she should walk out on her life partner just because he has ED. This guy is a relative stranger, and appears to have major issues, of which ED may not even be the biggest one. Depending on what kind of person he is, and how good of a match they are, it may make sense for the LW to not let herself get sucked into this vortex. Like one wise person told me many years ago, “Don’t let another person’s insanity become your reality”.
Sherell 23
@18 You can have empathy and leave. Self love is first and foremost! Just because someone needs help doesn’t mean you have to be the one to help them! There is so much more out there then guys treating you bad and guys needing help. There are healthy guys that are ready for a relationship. Both emotionally and physically Women so easily fall into the role of trying to fix someone. If they had been married or in a long relationship, then that’s another story but at this juncture women need to realize when to leave. He needs to fix this on his own.
You gotta know when to hold and when to fold!!!!!
Gem 24
Annie, #18,
I’m not jaded. But I am a realist.
This is a 24 year old young woman dating someone new for only a couple of months’ time. I’m telling her what I’d tell my daughter or best friend.
If she’s madly crazy in love with him and he is the ONE then I’d advise her to stick it out and go through the process so she never looks back and says, “what if…”
BUT, no where in her letter does she mention love or thier feelings being so strong that they are committed to each other or committed to a future.
So why would I tell her to help, support, and figure out the issues of a man she barely knows, who’s full of red flags screaming that he’s not ready or able for a healthy relationship right now?
He’s going through a divorce. She may be just a rebound girl because he’s not really emotionally available. How’s she going to feel after she “helps” him for months, feeling rejected and her confidence takes a hit, then he dumps her?
Regardless, it’s a relationship of a couple of months with sexual problems from the start. Sexual problems that are now hurting her own sexual self-esteem. Why volunteer to begin a relationship with such problems?
SS 25
Actually… if he’s “going through a divorce,” he’s still technically married.
So I agree with Gem even more now… but even if Brittany was 50 and and a hunchback, why sign up for all of this involving a married man you’ve only known a few months?
If you want to stick around, Evan’s advice is solid. But… I think it’s very valid for a poster to suggest that this situation is really not worth sticking around for!!!
(Sorry Evan for the back-to-back posts.)
Gem 26
Joe, 21,
Yes, my advice would be the same.
Detha 27
The poster should think of her needs. If she is now feeling depleted by the situation this can lead towards resentful feelings and would inevitably destroy the relationship. I would say to her, love and know yourself, have boundaries on what is or isn’t acceptable FOR YOU.
Christie Hartman 28
ED does happen to men, even men as young as 35, but there’s always a reason. This guy needs to start looking into this because it doesn’t appear to be going to go away by itself. Yes, it’s difficult and embarrassing to go to a doctor/therapist for ED, but much less embarrassing than having to face your girlfriend, right?
I once dated a guy who had a similar situation – post-divorce, sexual performance issues. The frustrating part wasn’t so much the ED, it was that he tried to pretend it wasn’t a problem, and thus never did anything about it. Denial is your biggest enemy here.
Christie Hartman 29
Also, if he’s going through or just completed a divorce, this can take a big toll on some men. I’ve seen them get depressed and unhappy when the papers are signed, leaving the women who date them baffled and hurt.
nathan 30
I’m surprised by the number of “just bail” comments here. Sexual challenges are pretty common amongst both men and women, and the reasons behind them are many and varied. Although I agree that his recent divorce status is a red flag, and also agree that she shouldn’t turn into something of a “nurse” figure here, I seriously doubt the number of “just bail” responses would be as high if the person struggling were female.
I have been on both ends of this issue. In the beginning of one relationship, I had the same kind of symptoms as this guy. And mostly, it boiled down to a fear of getting her pregnant, which eventually led to some conversations and decisions about contraception that helped immensely. And in another relationship, my girlfriend had been raped in the past, and also was in an abusive relationship where sex was used as a method of control by her boyfriend. I could have bailed on her, but I would have lost out on all the good we had for the three years we had together.
I don’t know what exactly Brittney should do, but it would be smart to take a good look at the whole picture of the relationship before making any final decision about it.
pd 31
You’re too young at 24 to be in this situation. You’re heart is in the right place in caring about this man and his problems, but, you aren’t going to be able to fix this for him. If he isn’t being pro-active about seeking help off his own bat he probably doesn’t want to. Be very careful about falling into the trap of trying to help him fix this as he won’t thank you in the long run.
There are plenty of single, gorgeous guys around your own age who are looking for a great girl like yourself to build a future with, get married and have kids eventually if that is what you want.
Run!
Annie 32
@19
SS you were taking your ex-partners issues personally. This is why it crushed you and took away your self esteem.
You and Gem(it seems) chose to view anothers problems to be about you and of course you tried to fix yourself. This shows a lack of confidence and also suggests you actually have no boundaries as an individual. IE you cannot tell the difference between anothers problems and how those problems make you feel.
Now you try to create a boundary by running away as soon as a man has a problem, because you are unable to determine if the problem is you or him. This does not help and running is not the answer.
Are you able to empathise but not take the blame, when it is really not your fault? Are you able to realistically determine when it is your fault(at least partially?)
Evan is simply saying, don’t blame yourself by default. Then decide what you want to do. I honestly think Evan spends the majority of his coaching time, trying to teach women about boundaries and personal narcissism.
Annie 33
@21
Exactly.
When women have sexual issues(however they arise), we would really really like a man to help us feel more comfortable, confident and perhaps accepted. We would like him to help us with it and be patient.
This requires him to realize, that it ISN’T about him, but about us and we need some help.
But when a man has a sexual issue, women are all about saying “don’t put up with THIS crap”. As though caring about a person and helping them, makes us weak.
Well it only makes us weak, when we take it pesonally.
I do read about men who say this as well. If a woman has a difficult time “letting go” or enjoying sex, then he will say incredibly cruel things .
When will women realize that men…actually have feelings, issues, insecurities just like we do?
Annie 34
@24 Gem
You said:
“If she’s madly crazy in love with him and he is the ONE then I’d advise her to stick it out and go through the process so she never looks back and says, “what if…””
Why would you give this advice? Most people ‘believe’ when they are ‘ in love’ that that person is the one. This is when you advise someone(just like Evan does) to step back, and see if the crazy feeling reflects the actual relationship and not your desire to feel that way in a relationship.
You said
“How’s she going to feel after she “helps” him for months, feeling rejected and her confidence takes a hit, then he dumps her?:
She’s going to feel perfectly fine if she realizes the problem is not her but him.
The only reason Gem, you have such an issue with this, is because when you “help a guy” you help him, so that YOU will feel better about the situation.
When you help some-one, you don’t turn it around to be about your OWN feelings, you make sure you understand what the other is going through and you help THEM.
It is up to you as an individual, as to how far you take that.
That is the messge your daughter would need to hear. She can show care, and not let herself be lost in the process.
Gem 35
Annie, #32,
Thanks for the psychoanalysis, but I don’t have the boundary problems you suggest. I’m 45, she’s 24. I have more life experience/observation, tis all, to offer what I see as major potential pitfalls of this situation.
Facts:
35 year old man going through, or on heels of divorce. (red flag)
Has ED. (red flag)
Only has been able to perform to orgasm a couple of times. (red flag)
Doesn’t seem to have a plan to fix it himself. (red flag)
Dating only couple of months. (important critical point)
No mention of love, commitment. (important cricital point)
Her needs not being met. (red flag)
Her sexual confidence is being effected. (red flag)
She never actually asked a question in her letter. The major concern to her seems to be that she’s not convinced his problem is entirely his. She’s beginning to doubt herself and feel insecure. That, quite frankly should be more her concern.
No where does she list all the wonderful things about this guy or her desire to help him yet so many people offer up all the possibilities of what it could be and what she should/shouldn’t do to HELP this guy of 2 months, she barely knows so they can work it out. (Who says he wants to make her his GF. She’s a hottie 10 years younger right now. Period)
I only offer another perspective: Should she help at all? What is the risk/benefit? Shouldn’t she take care of herself and let this grown man of 10 years her senior take care of himself? Shouldn’t he do that anyway before beginning to date and drag someone else into the scenario?
Looking from the outside with no emotional investment, I say run. But she’s the one in the situation. She can do what she wants.
SS 36
Annie, actually the ex-partner DID blame me. He said he’d never had the problem with any other woman BUT me, so yeah, I think I would take that pretty personally!
The best thing I did was to stop trying to fix myself and get out. I was not going to take the blame for his problem if he was doing nothing to fix it… nor was I going to empathize if he was going to blame someone else for his emotional issue about his problem.
So nope, nothing was my fault in that relationship in regards to sex. I’m not going into any more details regarding the exact nature of the issue, just because I think that does cross into the TMI zone.
However, once I got out of that relationship, I met my husband six months later. Our sex life is great… so considering your point of view Annie, how exactly would I have benefited staying with the last guy with issues, when by leaving, I instead ended up with the man who became my husband?
SS 37
Gem @35,
(Who says he wants to make her his GF. She’s a hottie 10 years younger right now. Period)
I don’t think a lot of younger women understand this, and your life experience is much appreciated. Where were you eight years ago when I was Brittany’s age?
When you’re younger and not surrounded by people who are going through or have been through divorces, you don’t recognize the emotional roller coasters that are part of the process and don’t factor that in when you meet a guy like this for the first time.
This man has probably told Brittany all sorts of things about how terrible his wife was, what she put him through… or if not, simply that, “they’ve grown apart.” But, if he’s still married (because people “going through a divorce” still are), the possibility is high that he’s still interacting with the wife in some way, especially if they have children. He could still be sleeping with her off and on. Perhaps the ED is caused by guilt. Perhaps he’s realized he’s bitten off more than he can chew because his young hottie isn’t minimizing the pain of divorce or keeping him from being depressed about it, like he thought a new relationship might.
Meanwhile, the young hottie (at least in this case) is thinking there’s potential here with this guy, and probably having little idea that she’s likely a rebound. Or that the divorced/divorcing guy’s married friends tell him that he’s so lucky now because he can just have sex with all sorts of young women and be a stud like that…
I’ve appreciated Christie Hartman’s posts about dating a divorced/separated/divorcing man, because that fact alone puts this question in a whole different light than just, “my guy can’t get it up.” And if there’s no one in Brittany’s personal life telling her about the tendencies of these guys and the fact that she’s playing the “young (and usually temporary) hottie” role, then she’s not clearly seeing the entirety of the issue.
Ruby 38
I think it’s a bit sad when a 24-year old says, “I’m pretty sure that I’m not totally disgusting…”
I also think it has occurred to a few of us that perhaps this man “going through a divorce”, should take some time to deal with the divorce and process his issues before dragging someone else into his drama. If a woman was going through a divorce, and having trouble with sex, I would say exactly the same thing to her male partner. It’s not about someone having sexual problems per se, it’s about the issues contributing to the problem, whatever they may be.
Ruby 39
Another thing I wanted to mention is that I didn’t encounter men who had sexual issues until I got into my mid-40′s, and the men were over 40. By that time, I knew that older men sometimes experienced sexual challenges due to both physical and emotional issues, and because I’d had a history of good physical relationships with men, it was easier not to blame myself, although it still wasn’t easy. A 24-year-old doesn’t have that history or perspective. As others have said, there are plenty of guys her own age who won’t have that kind of baggage.
Gem 40
Annie,
But when a man has a sexual issue, women are all about saying “don’t put up with THIS crap”. As though caring about a person and helping them, makes us weak.
When you help some-one, you don’t turn it around to be about your OWN feelings, you make sure you understand what the other is going through and you help THEM.
Caring for/helping a person does not make us weak. It’s actually one of a woman’s greatest strengths.
However, becomming a selfless-rescuer while abdicating our own needs and self-care may make us stupid. She’s not Mother Teresa. She’s a young woman who wants a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
She hardly knows this guy and already her time with him is effecting her negatively. Obviously it’s not a good place for her. Telling her to “just not feel that way” is pointless. She does feel that way and, right/wrong, it’s understandable.
You don’t know this guy’s intentions or agenda for her and yet your advice is help him, have compassion, be supportive and just detach emotionally from his problem so it doesn’t effect her. What about her needs, and care, and what is he doing to help himself? Where’s your concern for that or is martyrdome your specialty?
My advise is for her to ask herself if the potential benefit outweighs the risk and take care of herself! She’s dealing with someone she doesn’t even really know and the risk is huge.
Selena 41
24 is the perfect age to conclude you don’t want to date someone who’s “going through a divorce”. They are still married. Wait until they actually are divorced and have been for awhile.
Gem 42
SS,
When you’re younger and not surrounded by people who are going through or have been through divorces, you don’t recognize the emotional roller coasters that are part of the process and don’t factor that in when you meet a guy like this for the first time.
Exactly. And his recent or current divorce is reason enough to steer clear of him until he’s well past it. Let alone the ED.
Shouraku 43
If I were in Brittany’s position, I would have to ask when his ED started and how long it has persisted. Was it present during his marriage?
If it was a long term issue that he has struggled with for many years, then it may very well be a medical condition that can be cured.
However, if it is an issue that arose recently, say when his divorce started, then it could be a sign that his mind is not “with her” while they are being intimate. It never ceases to amaze me how some people can act attentive and present while simultaneously being consumed with thoughts of their ex/divorce/etc.
Honestly, if his issue is that he is too distracted to mentally consider her (during sex or otherwise) then I fail to see how she could be much help. She doesn’t have his attention.
There are three sides to relationship stories: his side, her side, and the truth. Thus, I personally don’t feel that I have enough information to advise her to leave or stay. But I will say that asking him more about the details of his ED may be helpful and would not be totally unreasonable.
Annie 44
Evan..you have the patience of a saint
Annie 45
@ 36
“Annie, actually the ex-partner DID blame me. He said he’d never had the problem with any other woman BUT me, so yeah, I think I would take that pretty personally!
And as alway’s Evan as made the connection and has asked this young woman to not take THIS mans problems as her own, like you did.
He didn’t ask her to RUN.
Annie 46
@ Gem 40
You said
“However, becomming a selfless-rescuer while abdicating our own needs and self-care may make us stupid.”
Not everyone that empathises and tries to care about another becomes a selfless-rescuer who abdicates their own needs”. That’s what you did Gem, which is why you sound so jaded and give advice that another should run.
Some of us have boundaries. We can help, but remain ourselves.
SS 47
Hmmm… I think someone is just trying to be an instigator here… no need to further respond.
Anyway, I’d love to hear an update from Brittany, the letter writer, and more details. Is she in an exclusive relationship with this man? Is he calling her his girlfriend? Are they interacting as boyfriend/girlfriend? What does she want from this dating situation? Just to date, or more?
Gem 48
Annie,
“Not everyone that empathises and tries to care about another becomes a selfless-rescuer who abdicates their own needs”. That’s what you did Gem, which is why you sound so jaded and give advice that another should run.”
My advice has nothing to do with me personally. It has to do with her current situation. The facts of her letter, (albeit limited), speak for themselves.
You know nothing more than I do about this girl. Is my advice wrong for HER? Maybe. But so may yours be….(in all it’s good-deed-doer glory)
She’ll figure it out and I wish her well.
Now, I must run off to find a shrink to fix my jaded, boundaryless, narcissistic self.
Annie 49
@48 Lol..
I have a terrible habit, of saying “you” when I am talking in a general sense. My apologies if I sounded like I was on the attack. Been caught out with that a few times.
In otherwords, it isn’t when “you ” do something Gem, it’s more along the lines of when women does and says xyz, it’s often because of ABC. And yes, it ends up sounding as though some-one is quite Jaded.
One thing we tend to do especially when we are younger, is take on anothers problems as though they are our own. We blame ourselves and try to fix it.
Of course, this ends up destroying our self-esteem, and gets to a point, where we simply blank any man or even perhaps a female friend because of their issues. We don’t trust ourselves to know how to care, without getting “sucked up” into anothers drama.
So to me, saying to some-one “run” isn’t the answer because then you never learn how to care, without losing yourself. I think the best advise to give to any young woman, is to take a step back and not tie your emotions up so much with a man. Don’t take the blame and don’t try and fix him. If you take this attitude, you won’t need to “run”, you’ll calmly leave when you know it’s time and you’ve done what you can to rectify things.
Oh and everyone is narcissistic..lol. We can’t help it(it’s the way we are born). I find recognizing it is important because it helps us to create healthy boundaries.
hunter 50
This man may not like Brittany’s body.
Also, I am wondering if Brittany shows enthusiasm in bed.(Very, very, common male complaint)