My Husband Ignores Me and I Have a Crush on My Stepson
I am married to a man who has no interest in me. He never takes me anywhere. All he does is work and sleep. I realized now that he does not make me happy; however, his twenty-two year old son (my stepson) does make me happy. In the past, my stepson has told me that he wants me.
My husband thinks something is going on between my stepson and me. He told my stepson that if he finds out something is going on, my stepson will be out the door. So now, my stepson is backing off a bit; although, he’s still smiling at me and acting like he’s interested in me.
I see my stepson more than I see my husband, and I think I am falling in love with my stepson. What shall I do?
Karen
Next on Jerry Springer…
Okay, Karen, I didn’t want to ignore you, because you asked the single most provocative question that I’ve yet to field in my two years of blogging. But I have to be honest with you: you need serious therapy.
Because while it doesn’t take a psychologist or a dating coach to tell you what to do – DON’T FUCK YOUR STEPSON! – it probably takes a significant amount of $200+/hr shrinking sessions to figure out how you ended up in such an unhappy marriage and how you could possibly think that a relationship with your husband’s son is a reasonable idea.
So please, Karen, go get professional help, get out of your marriage, and go be a cougar to someone who isn’t related to you.
The greatest anguish you have in your email is not about your loveless marriage, nor is it about the weirdness of copulating with your stepson. No, the most acute pain you feel in your email is due to the fact that your husband is onto your illicit relationship and may kick your potential lover out of the house.
It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to you. Many of my emails come from people in unhappy relationships and people with crushes that they can’t act upon. But however serious your issues right this moment – they pale in comparison to the hell you’re going to put everyone through if you get together with your stepson.
Maybe your marriage needs to be ruined, but this is not the way. Chances are, your feelings for this kid – and, as a boy who was born in 1986, he IS a kid – stem directly from the indifference of your husband. His son probably makes you feel special and beautiful and looks at you with starry eyes. You’re likely in love with how he makes you FEEL, as opposed to who he is.
You don’t say your age, but even if you’re only 15 years older than the stepson, you are of entirely different generations. The only thing you have in common is attraction, and maybe a common resentment of your husband. This is not something on which you should stake your future.
So please, Karen, go get professional help, get out of your marriage, and go be a cougar to someone who isn’t related to you. But don’t think that there is any other outcome to sleeping with your stepson than full family tragedy.
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46 Comments »Filed Under Cheating
Karl R 1
I have one personal rule that has kept me out of more trouble than any other: “Always act with integrity.” If you follow that rule, your life will be so much better.
Example:
Two of my coworkers are dating. When they met, he was engaged and she was married. It could have been a Springer show in the making. But his engagement was broken off, she divorced her husband, then they started quietly dating. They acted with integrity, so there’s no drama.
Evan’s advice is sound, and all of it allows Karen to retain/regain integrity. She needs to see a therapist. She needs to get a divorce. She needs to find a loving relationship with someone who is not (and never has been) her stepson.
It’s the one course of action that will allow her to look in the mirror and still respect who she sees.
mic 2
He very likely is one good-looking stepson. Who probably also should see a therapist.
Jennifer 3
Try to see it from the stepson’s point of view- no matter how much he may dislike his Dad, there will come a day when he wakes up and says ‘oh my goodness, I can’t believe I slept with my Dad’s WIFE!’. If you like the stepson at all, don’t contribute to him being in a position to suffer from that kind of trauma.
Also you don’t say how long you’ve been married to your husband- have you watched this boy grow up? If so, think of how many issues he will have going forward if the ‘mother figure’ in his life thinks it’s appropriate to have sex with him. Hell, the boy must have issues now!
Whatever positive spin you can put on sleeping with your stepson is paper thin at best- don’t cause yourself (or him) the trauma.
Sayanta 4
Yeah- I’ve got to see this stepson too. AND he’s in my generation!
LOL LOL
Honey 5
I agree with what others so far have said. Even though he is over 18 and “officially” an adult, he is still young enough not to make great decisions, especially if poor decision-making is being modeled by an adult in his life. In fact, depending on how long she’s been married to her husband, I t hink that having sex with the stepson is child abuse in spirit if not according to the letter of the law.
Honey´s last blog post…Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?
Kenley 6
I found it interesting that the husband says if they are fooling around, he will kick the son out, but not his wife too! Maybe it’s just me, but cheating on your spouse with your spouse’s kid seems like the highest level of betrayal to me. Why wouldn’t she get the boot too? Maybe he cares for her more than she realizes, but just doesn’t know how to show it.
Datective 7
I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but seriously?!? Is she making this up? Is this a prank? No one could possibly that clueless! I thought your response was quite generous – don’t think I would have been that tactful if one of my readers asked that question. I mean really!
My new favorite dating blog! | The Datective Chronicles 8
[...] I’ve started reading Evan Marc Katz’ blog on dating it’s simply fabulous! Somehow he gets the right balance between witty, tough and [...]
Steve 9
I agree with everyone:
1. Make a good effort to revitalize your marriage
2. If no #1 fails, end your marriage amicably as possible
3. Go find a single man
4. If 1,2,&3 prove difficult for you to do, get counseling.
JB 10
C’mon Evan, is this the Maury Povich show ? I wouldn’t even read this.
June 11
Girlfriend, you need some serious help. And your step son, needs to grow up. Get a divorce, and get yourself out there. You are crazy.
Evan Marc Katz 12
You wouldn’t read it, but you’d comment on it? This woman has a real problem, however absurd it is to you. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it.
Henry 13
Well adults have to work so her husband shouldn’t be punished for working. I take it that she is a house-wife or has a part time job and the 22 year old is in college or unemployed. I think she should move out and get a place with the 22 year old. She’ll be the sugar mommy and he’ll be her fountain of youth!
Ruby 14
I have to side with those who don’t feel this is the right forum for this letter. I thought this site was for people who are single, dating and looking for healthy relationships, not messed-up people in terrible marriages. I’m sorry, don’t mean to be cruel, but come on!
downtowngal 15
I agree w Datective, there’s something a little strange about the way this letter is written – too cut and dry. Women typically embellish their letters when describing their feelings. Also, her husband’s reaction – wtf?? This letter’s a fake.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock in a cave all your life, or are brain-dead in the sensitivity dept., there is no way a woman like this wouldn’t even QUESTION whether this could be the wrong thing to do. If she were, I doubt she’d be writing a letter to a dating blog.
Selena 16
Yes, it is a bit odd a married person (with incestuous-esq issues no less) would write in on a dating advice blog.
Is she looking for someone to say “Go for it! Dump your boring husband, run off with his 22 yr. old son! Hey, you only live once, right?”
Sheesh.
What did she think Evan would say? Let alone his smartypants commenters.
Selena 17
Another thought:
Maybe when Daddy remarried he went shopping for a younger model. Don’t we hear of that not infrequently here?
Maybe she is much closer in age to the step-son than to the father? Doesn’t really change the dilema, but might make it a little more understandable.
downtowngal 18
Assuming she’s for real, the issue isn’t the potential incest. It’s similar to the guy who wrote to Evan about his ‘emotinoally unavailable’ girlfriend who wasn’t addressing his needs so he cheated on her.
Many people think that just because they’re married the relationship is on autopilot, and couples don’t take the time to connect. I’ve seen this happen, guys get so into their work they take their wives/families for granted. Then they go home one night/after a biz trip and find out that their wives are having affairs.
I’m NOT justifying this behavior, just pointing out the reality. The women are doing this for attention from their husbands, albeit in a passive-agressive way. They’re home, kids are in school all day and their bored. In some cases the husbands don’t want their wives to work, it’s a status thing.
Karen’s stepson looks attractive because he’s THERE. He could just as well be the contractor/neighbor, etc.
So what type of person woud do this? A self-absorbed narcissist who probably has borderline personality disorder. This woman should seek professional help, not post letters on a dating web blog.
Sayanta 19
“Maybe when Daddy remarried he went shopping for a younger model. Don’t we hear of that not infrequently here?”
A little off topic- everyone always says the above, but I have yet to see an example of this outside of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ok, and Donald Trump. I know that some older men WISH that they could get some 25-year-old ass, but does that ever pan out to reality? Maybe other people have seen it- I always see couples, both old and young, in the same age range.
Karl R 20
Sayanta asked: (#19)
“I know that some older men WISH that they could get some 25-year-old ass, but does that ever pan out to reality?”
I went to Match.com and skimmed through a random sample of profiles of 25 year-old women in my part of the country. 6.4% of them were willing to date a 40 year-old man. One was willing to date 55 year-old men.
thomas 21
I have seen something similar to this in a number of both women and men. They do not take their marriage or commitments seriously. I have seen a number of women in the past move in with a guy, just to 6 months later date another guy, while still living with the prior. When things break down, she moves in with the second guy.
Too many people get bored and always want to be entertained. If a girl brings her cell phone on a date and finds herself speaking on it more than to me, it is the last time that I am going out with her. I have had dates with so many women that seem to talk non-stop on the cell phone.
Too many find themselves with I-pods or some other crap. I have no idea what others are doing right now, because of the fact I try to stay away from these devices.
In general, I see a number of people that are tuned into personal entertainment devices and have tuned out the world. When you have people that continue down this path, they lack social skills and the ability to move in and around proper social behavior.
Too many people are just bored. They always want to be entertained. That to me is not an adult but a kid. Life can be boring, a lot of the time it is boring. That is just part of growing up.
People have to get to the point where they know what they want. This person has already made her decision. She is not ready to settle down. She has a short attention span.
Even if she gets with her step son, I do not see it lasting very long. She might be with him long enough to clear some of cob webs out of the old cave, but then she will be off after her next love.
The sad thing is, I see this all the time. Many women want it all and will throw a fit when they can not get everything that they want. Every month to every 3 months they have a different guy that they are living with, they spend their entire life like this. They are never satisfied and always looking to “one up” their last boy friend.
I would guess that this person also has bad spending habits as well and does not pay attention to the way she carries herself. I wonder if she is a trophy wife. That maybe where a lot of the problems lie.
Lance 22
Kinda bizarre. I think I saw this one in a movie once. Oh wait, it was from the perspective of the male stepson who slept with the MILF while she was married! Doh!
She needs to exit the marriage stat for both their sakes. Hubby needs to WAKEUP and realize he’s loss his manhood. I hear and see this about loveless marriages all the time. She needs to get her life back. I don’t think she needs therapy at all. This is a very natural reaction to a bad situation. She simply needs to suck it up, initiate the divorce, move out, and start dating again. That’s therapy enough. If she’s attractive to a 22-year-old stud, she’ll be attractive to plenty of other guys.
Lance´s last blog post…Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?
Lance 23
@Karl #20: That’s how many are posting their desired range…many more would date older men if approached properly.
Lance´s last blog post…Is Sex a Distraction or Should We All Just Get Laid?
kelli 24
all i know how to say is… yikes! and I hope she’s not a teacher.
thomas 25
What I wrote seems to be a bit of a ramble. I want to clean things up a bit.
I feel that a number of people have separated themselves from the world and are more concerned with being entertained than anything else. Once something looses its ability to keep one’s attention, they move on.
I have seen a number of relationships where either the man or the woman are in this situation. Once the other person does not continue or is unable to continue to hold the attention, the girl moves on to find someone who will provide everything that they want. Once this next person is unable to provide all the attention, she just moves onto the next person. This pattern continues for the rest of their life.
Some women want it all. To have everything is not possible. They want a man who is a good provider (which can result in working all the time), someone who is always there for them (this is usually only available for someone who is unemployed), and someone who can provide for them anything and everything they want. For a woman who wants all the extremes wrapped up in a single ball is unreal. They have a short attention span and will look elsewhere when they find a single flaw in the relationship.
I say unplug your television and talk to your partner in the evening. I would like to see more people aware of others around them then the gadget in their pocket, cell phone, I-pod, or what ever the next gizmo is….
People should be less concerned with what makes them happy today and more concerned with what will make them happy in the long run, say 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now.
A lot of people only think about themselves and not how it effects those around them. This is a loss of social skills or it is just a sign of plain rudeness.
Looking back at the original article, I would say that this woman is unhappy with what ever she does and is only looking for a quick fix. A quick fix only last a few moments. Once the moment is gone, you have to deal with the mess that has been left behind.
downtowngal 26
Lance said, “This is a very natural reaction to a bad situation. She simply needs to suck it up, initiate the divorce, move out, and start dating again.”
Evidently her husband continues to let this happen, so why should she be the one to initiate the divorce? And I don’t see what’s so natural about this, not every woman who’s in an unhappy marrage would consider doing her stepson with no regard for her husband’s feelings.
Also, we’re only hearing one side of this (albeit a shallow and possibly fake side).
Honey 27
I think that Lance has a point – she hasn’t DONE her stepson yet, so at this point it’s just attraction, which seems natural enough given her unhappiness in her marriage. And, as others have pointed out (and which I hadn’t thought of in my original comment) she HAD to know what Evan and everyone was going to say, so she was perhaps kind of using us to jolt her back to reality.
And since we know the wife IS unhappy and there is no evidence that the husband is, it seems pretty obvious that she’s the one that needs to initiate the divorce. Or at least some serious talks with the hubby…
Honey´s last blog post…My Boyfriend’s Mother
Sayanta 28
“all i know how to say is yikes! and I hope she’s not a teacher.”
lol- Mary Kay Letourneau- The Sequel!
Cilla 29
There is a lot of good, credible, scientific research that supports the idea that geographic proximity (living or working together) and adrenaline (due to danger, secrecy, etc.) fuel the falling in love process, or more accurately perhaps, the perception that one is falling in love. I’m sure Karen, experiencing both of these factors, perceives her emotions to be very real, and if she perceives this, it is her reality.
I agree with Evan, though, sleeping with her stepson would be unethical and open up a host of psychological issues for both parties.
Karen, I think you should use this experience, as painful as it is for you, to learn a few things about yourself: 1) you are in an unhappy marriage and need to either revitalize it or leave; 2) you need to feel good about yourself, and while your relationship can contribute to this, the best source of this is internal–you need to love yourself first; and 3) you are attracted to younger men, which is perfectly OK when they are not related to you and you are not attached to someone else.
Michael Ejercito 30
6.4% of them were willing to date a 40 year-old man. One was willing to date 55 year-old men.
That is a small proportion.
Marc 31
You’re a bad decision and a broken condom away from winding up on “Maury.” Don’t screw the son!
Marc´s last blog post…READER MAIL
The Girl To Go To 32
I don’t think you need professional help. I also don’t think you’ll do anything with your step son. Sounds like your husband is boring. If you want to have an affair with a younger man, you should. Maybe pick one with a little less drama and catastrophic potential but sounds like your husband isn’t doing the trick.
Younger men can be a lot of fun. I don’t date men anymore but my ex boyfriend was 19 when we got together, he asked me to move in with him and he held true to EVERY promise he made. My friend’s boyfriend is 31. he is spineless, and one of the biggest cowards I know, turned his back on her in the worst kind of way.
Joe 33
@ Karl #20:
What portion of that 6.4% weren’t Russian scam artists named Olga or Svetlana?
CasualEncountersBlog 34
She should totally fuck him. What does she have to lose? Her marriage is already over bar the shouting, and if she hooks up with stepson she might at least get a Springer fee out of it to help her and sonny boy start their new life together in the trailer park.
CasualEncountersBlog´s last blog post…Single women and casual sex
chromeyellowsportster 35
This is what I think.
I overheard my wife of 17 years telling her girlfriend about how she was having sex with my son (her stepson). She was telling her girlfriend that she didn’t want to be ‘just a quick fuck to him’ and so on.
My wife and I have a beautiful son and daughter together, a young teen and a 7 year old.
I thought my life was going great. On her birthday just before this came up I’d written her a card saying how beautiful she is and how I loved her more than ever. We have a waterfront home on the lake and hundreds of friends. I make a lot of money and get to work from home. I’m blessed in every way, except one it turns out.
The level of betrayal is so severe it can drive you insane. I’ve been able to sleep an hour or two a night. I pray all the time for guidance. I want my young childeren to be happy, but it looks like I’ll only be with them on every other weekend if we get a divorce.
My oldest son who was part and parcel to this betrayal has also lost my love. I was his best friend.
Words can’t describe the anguish. Who’s done more harm to me, Osama bin Laden or my wife? It is that bad.
I pray for them, I pray for my small childeren and myself. Please pray for us also. I am at Whit’s End.
What is wrong with people these days?
Peace to you and yours…
A-L 36
Chromyellowsportster,
Sorry to hear about your situation. I will keep you in your family in my prayers.
starthrower68 37
Very simple. Actions have consequences. You just have to choose if you want the good or the bad. As you can see in the case of Chromeyellowsportster, many are often hurt if you pick the bad.
Random Guy 38
Why is everyone assuming she’s over 20 herself? These days in time, older men marry younger women all the time. Hell, the Stepson could be OLDER than her. Shouldn’t assume, and should always cover every “what-if” when trying to provide advice to someone on a one-ended blogging site.
Stella 39
Talk your man into letting you sleep with the son in addition to sleeping with him. Just present it like a business proposal. Don’t tell the son that you are asking. That way if you can’t convince the hubby to share, just say “Ok dear hubby you win”, and then keep your mouth shut about the whole thing unless you decide to choose the son over his father. Which could turn out pretty messy.
If you do the share plan, don’t tell others, because people are often too ignorant to consider a different, ‘tribal’ sort of relationship that this one would be.
I, for example, am dating a man who is 18 years older than I. If he dies long before I do or if something happens to him (The All forbid), then I would not be averse to the romantic company of his son. Since your hubby is still alive and does not treat you well, your situation is a bit more hairy.
I wonder, what’s the harm in having sex with more than one person? Polyamory can work. Plus, your not just screwing some random guy. This is your husband’s son, who he knows well.
If the proposal doesn’t fly, how about screwing your husband’s dad instead (har har little joke).
nikki 40
YOUR THINKING IS WAY OFF. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT YOUR HUSBANDS CHILD..GIRL GET SOME HELP BFORE YOU GET SOMEONE HURT.
30 years old woman 41
I am in the same situation the only difference is that I love my husband but I have a strong sexual desire for my step son
Miranda 42
First of Stella I think your crazy, Karen please don’t take her advice, polygamy never works without someone feeling unfufilled, under treated, or jealous…and almost always ends up badly. If you are serious about somebody you should never be so selfish and inconsiderate of their feelings, doing what Stella said gets people killed, and is usually only agreeable by people with serious issues. Don’t ever tell your husband that you wanna sleep with his son, knowing a man’s ego….he might kill you, or beat you up really badly. I think if it’s so bad you are screaming for attention from whoever will give it to you including your stepson, then YOU NEED TO LEAVE. DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR STEPSON BECAUSE YOU WILL MORE THAN LIKELY REGRET IT, and if he’s nice to you now it’s probably because you are a MILF (Lol) and what man isn’t nice to a woman he’d like to F**K? If you sleep with him you will probably find that the apple doesnt fall to far from the tree….GET OUT OF THE SITUATION ENTIRELY, before you cause undoable damage to yourself and everyone else around you.
DMR 43
I was in a similar situation in a bad marriage (which i’m still in hell but thank god we are separated) and a stepson who had a huge crush on me. However I had only been married a few months, my step son was 18 and I did not see him grow up and had only had breif encounters with him over the past couple years. I honestly have no idea how we started flirting but we did. AFTER I left my husband is when we starting sleeping together but it only lasted very breifly. Did I forget to mention when all of this occured I was mentally gone from dealing with my husband cheating on me with his FIRST COUSIN over a two month period (they actually are still together) and through that time having him throw it in my face, downgrade me, call my hurtful things, hit me, etc… It happened and I don’t regret it. I am not saying I made the best choice but what was done was done.
Arvin 44
There is nothing to be ashamed of and you don’t need to see a therapist neither !!! Most of people here have a definition of NORMALITY …which is a concept that has been Forced and imposed on to people.
If you love the guy and the guy loves you … it’s all that matters … we are not on earth to be punished and to live in sadness or base our lives on other people’s opinions of what is right and what is wrong.
But make sure that you explain the situation to your husband, don;t lie and hide things, be honest, tell him the truth, and if he doesn’t want to lose you , he will make a move … if not … then make your decision.
All the best and always remember to be happy.
chris 45
All of you who so quickly judged this woman should be ashamed of yourselves.
She didn’t say she had sex with the stepson, nor did she give her age or the details of her marriage.
We don’t always choose who we fall in love with.
The best advice I can give is to not make a move, if you are unhappy seperate from your husband or tell him your feelings and work on the marriage.
once the marriage has ended and you still feel the same about the stepson, then you should see how it goes.
Thank you Arvin, peole tend to forget this is a real person who has feelings.
LaVida Loca 46
#14, Ha!! Just a thought … Plenty of people in messed up marriages ARE dating (read: cheating) so why *wouldn’t* they read a dating blog? They might even be subscribers to one of those married-folks’ dating websites and find Evan’s advice about that to be useful.