Comments on: My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/ Fri, 10 Sep 2010 03:31:19 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Karl R http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-80270 Karl R Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:57:03 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-80270 The best thing I can say about <strong>Mike's</strong> beliefs (#31, 39, 45) is that they apply equally to himself and his wife. If they both agree to such restrictive behavior, that's their right. The biggest flaw I see in his beliefs is that he thinks modern marriages fail because they don't follow this restrictive behavior. As far as I can tell, he is basing "success" and "failure" on divorce rates, which have increased over the years. In the past, there was a <em>huge stigma</em> against divorce and divorcees, which kept divorce rates low. The problem with this social stigma, is that it trapped many people in marriages which were filled with domestic violence, a problem which was never socially acknowledged. <a title=""Over the Threshhold: Intimate Violence in Early America" href="http://www.amazon.com/Over-Threshold-Intimate-Violence-America/dp/0415918057#_" rel="nofollow">"Over the Threshhold: Intimate Violence in Early America"</a> If a marriage contains domestic violence, I would <em>not</em> consider it a success. Since this isn't an issue in Mike's marriage, he doesn't seem to consider the possibility that many of the marriages in our grandparents' time <em>should</em> have ended, even if they didn't. I would equate Mike's restrictive behavior with a preventative mastectomy or preventative prostatectomy (one that's performed proactively to prevent breast cancer or prostate cancer before it occurs). In <em>rare</em> cases, the risk factors may be high enough to make it the healthy choice, but for the majority of people, it simply creates <em>unnecessary</em> consequences without a corresponding benefit. My girlfriend and I are both active in the local dance community. We socialize and dance with members of the opposite sex without creating any jealousy or distrust in our relationship. There are married couples in the dance community whom have been together for <em>decades</em>. This hasn't created a problem for them, despite the constant interaction with members of the opposite sex. Jazz's husband is being boorish and inconsiderate of Jazz's feelings ... and the latter is a problem. Some of my behavior toward my girlfriend (when we're in private) could be considered boorish, <em>except</em> she enjoys it. By engaging in "boorish" behaviors which she enjoys, I'm being <em>considerate</em> of her feelings. The best thing I can say about Mike’s beliefs (#31, 39, 45) is that they apply equally to himself and his wife. If they both agree to such restrictive behavior, that’s their right.

The biggest flaw I see in his beliefs is that he thinks modern marriages fail because they don’t follow this restrictive behavior. As far as I can tell, he is basing “success” and “failure” on divorce rates, which have increased over the years.

In the past, there was a huge stigma against divorce and divorcees, which kept divorce rates low. The problem with this social stigma, is that it trapped many people in marriages which were filled with domestic violence, a problem which was never socially acknowledged.
“Over the Threshhold: Intimate Violence in Early America”

If a marriage contains domestic violence, I would not consider it a success. Since this isn’t an issue in Mike’s marriage, he doesn’t seem to consider the possibility that many of the marriages in our grandparents’ time should have ended, even if they didn’t.

I would equate Mike’s restrictive behavior with a preventative mastectomy or preventative prostatectomy (one that’s performed proactively to prevent breast cancer or prostate cancer before it occurs). In rare cases, the risk factors may be high enough to make it the healthy choice, but for the majority of people, it simply creates unnecessary consequences without a corresponding benefit.

My girlfriend and I are both active in the local dance community. We socialize and dance with members of the opposite sex without creating any jealousy or distrust in our relationship. There are married couples in the dance community whom have been together for decades. This hasn’t created a problem for them, despite the constant interaction with members of the opposite sex.

Jazz’s husband is being boorish and inconsiderate of Jazz’s feelings … and the latter is a problem. Some of my behavior toward my girlfriend (when we’re in private) could be considered boorish, except she enjoys it. By engaging in “boorish” behaviors which she enjoys, I’m being considerate of her feelings.

]]> By: Goldie http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-80246 Goldie Wed, 25 Aug 2010 13:00:12 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-80246 Personally, I wouldn't last a day with Mike - either I'd run off because I'd feel trapped, or he'd kick me out for being a shameless hussy, or both :) That said, we are all very different and come  from very different cultural/religious/family backgrounds. I'd say if a person grew up surrounded by siblings/playmates of the opposite sex or both sexes, and really, honestly does not see every member of opposite sex as a sex object, then this person will have friends of both sexes and think nothing of it, and that would not jeopardize their marriage in any way. I always tell people that I don't choose my friends based upon what's below their waist - I couldn't care less - I use completely different criteria when I decide who I want to be friends with!   On the other hand, when someone never had any dealings with the opposite sex other than dating/relationships, doesn't understand opposite sex, doesn't know how to talk to them, has no opposite-sex friends, then this person probably wouldn't be able to pull off a platonic friendship, so is probably safer not even trying.   If a woman never had any male friends growing up, it's not like she'll be missing a lot not having any when she's married. If she suddenly got one, she probably wouldn't know what to do with him, anyway. Same goes for a man who never socialized with any women growing up, except for dating/relationships/sex. He does not know how to relate to them otherwise, anyway. It's not like he'll have to cut 90% of his close friends out of his life the instant he gets married, because they're women. He doesn't have any to begin with!   As long as each side acknowledges the other, and doesn't try to impose their own standard across the board, I'd say live and let live. Mike's mistake, as I see it, was that he started his first post on this thread with a broad statement that he appeared to apply to everyone. While I have no doubt that cutting off all social contact with opposite sex works great for Mike and his wife, it probably won't work for at least half the people on this blog, which is why he got this reaction, poor guy. I do find it ironic that Mike ended up talking with a lot of women on this thread, on pretty touchy subjects like sex and friendship, no less ;) Maybe he eventually realized it and maybe that's why he left.   Аnother thing that occurred to me, some people were raised in strict religions where men and women are not allowed any contact with each other, unless they're related, and for these people, "no socializing with friends of opposite sex" is norm. Again, as long as they do not impose it on everyone, and it works for them - fine by me.   Mental note to self - with any man I'm dating - find out where he stands on opposite-sex friendships, before things get serious. As I see now, it could create problems in a relationships if both sides do not see eye to eye on this.   Would like to add my 2 cents on the original post - basically, I agree. It is okay to check out good-looking women (and guys, for that matter) if you're a guy (or a woman, for that matter). It is NOT okay to constantly discuss it with your wife/SO the way the LW's husband does - jealousy issues aside, it's just not polite dinner conversation! It's right up there with telling people what a huge, satisfying dump you had this morning. (sigh, can you tell I grew up around boys? :D) Borderline autistic was the perfect way to describe it, so, yeah, for reasons of common courtesy, he does need to stop. Personally, I wouldn’t last a day with Mike – either I’d run off because I’d feel trapped, or he’d kick me out for being a shameless hussy, or both :) That said, we are all very different and come  from very different cultural/religious/family backgrounds. I’d say if a person grew up surrounded by siblings/playmates of the opposite sex or both sexes, and really, honestly does not see every member of opposite sex as a sex object, then this person will have friends of both sexes and think nothing of it, and that would not jeopardize their marriage in any way. I always tell people that I don’t choose my friends based upon what’s below their waist – I couldn’t care less – I use completely different criteria when I decide who I want to be friends with!
 
On the other hand, when someone never had any dealings with the opposite sex other than dating/relationships, doesn’t understand opposite sex, doesn’t know how to talk to them, has no opposite-sex friends, then this person probably wouldn’t be able to pull off a platonic friendship, so is probably safer not even trying.
 
If a woman never had any male friends growing up, it’s not like she’ll be missing a lot not having any when she’s married. If she suddenly got one, she probably wouldn’t know what to do with him, anyway. Same goes for a man who never socialized with any women growing up, except for dating/relationships/sex. He does not know how to relate to them otherwise, anyway. It’s not like he’ll have to cut 90% of his close friends out of his life the instant he gets married, because they’re women. He doesn’t have any to begin with!
 
As long as each side acknowledges the other, and doesn’t try to impose their own standard across the board, I’d say live and let live. Mike’s mistake, as I see it, was that he started his first post on this thread with a broad statement that he appeared to apply to everyone. While I have no doubt that cutting off all social contact with opposite sex works great for Mike and his wife, it probably won’t work for at least half the people on this blog, which is why he got this reaction, poor guy. I do find it ironic that Mike ended up talking with a lot of women on this thread, on pretty touchy subjects like sex and friendship, no less ;) Maybe he eventually realized it and maybe that’s why he left.
 
Аnother thing that occurred to me, some people were raised in strict religions where men and women are not allowed any contact with each other, unless they’re related, and for these people, “no socializing with friends of opposite sex” is norm. Again, as long as they do not impose it on everyone, and it works for them – fine by me.
 
Mental note to self – with any man I’m dating – find out where he stands on opposite-sex friendships, before things get serious. As I see now, it could create problems in a relationships if both sides do not see eye to eye on this.
 
Would like to add my 2 cents on the original post – basically, I agree. It is okay to check out good-looking women (and guys, for that matter) if you’re a guy (or a woman, for that matter). It is NOT okay to constantly discuss it with your wife/SO the way the LW’s husband does – jealousy issues aside, it’s just not polite dinner conversation! It’s right up there with telling people what a huge, satisfying dump you had this morning. (sigh, can you tell I grew up around boys? :D ) Borderline autistic was the perfect way to describe it, so, yeah, for reasons of common courtesy, he does need to stop.

]]> By: Freedom http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-80154 Freedom Wed, 25 Aug 2010 02:28:56 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-80154 I liked Mike. Thanks Mike. I liked Mike. Thanks Mike.

]]> By: Megan http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-75866 Megan Sat, 24 Jul 2010 12:12:36 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-75866 I am an anthropology student who has studied mating patterns. While women opt for quality over quantity, for men it is just the opposite. That "hot" chick may be attractive only in his eyes because biologically he would like to spread his genes as much as possible. This is why men seem to find attractive females everywhere whereas women tend to be down right picky. The point is that women are more likely to cheat on their partners with a very attractive man whereas men will take what they can get, even if it is just an average looking female. Women have more to lose if they are caught cheating so they set the bar really high. I am an anthropology student who has studied mating patterns. While women opt for quality over quantity, for men it is just the opposite. That “hot” chick may be attractive only in his eyes because biologically he would like to spread his genes as much as possible. This is why men seem to find attractive females everywhere whereas women tend to be down right picky.
The point is that women are more likely to cheat on their partners with a very attractive man whereas men will take what they can get, even if it is just an average looking female.
Women have more to lose if they are caught cheating so they set the bar really high.

]]> By: Ventressa http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-75179 Ventressa Sun, 18 Jul 2010 07:06:14 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-75179 As I see it, when a man and woman get married, there is no social contact with the opposite sex. None. Zero. Business only and then minimize it. I don’t hold conversations with women, except to return a polite courtesy. Likewise my wife with men. Polite and respectful and that’s it. We also make sure we are not secluded with another man or woman, innocent or not. He has no business looking at other women much less hurting his wifes feelings about it. A little self control, please. Let him look at his wife. Let him tell her how attractive she is. Every day. She won’t mind.   I want to marry Mike! :)  Great attitude.  Many will probably see it as being way too restrictive but personally I think you have a solid grip on the meaning of becoming husband and wife... When you are married your sexual energies should only be directed to your spouse and your personal interactions with the opposite sex are best kept minimized. Most will argue vehemently with this concept I am sure because we have been taught to do what we want and what makes us feel good and to hell with everything else but there is a certain quiet wisdom to devoting your attentions to the person you chose to become your life`s mate. After all, don`t we pledge to forsake all others (meaning primarily the opposite sex) when we join in marriage with our spouse...   ;) As I see it, when a man and woman get married, there is no social contact with the opposite sex. None. Zero. Business only and then minimize it. I don’t hold conversations with women, except to return a polite courtesy. Likewise my wife with men. Polite and respectful and that’s it. We also make sure we are not secluded with another man or woman, innocent or not. He has no business looking at other women much less hurting his wifes feelings about it. A little self control, please. Let him look at his wife. Let him tell her how attractive she is. Every day. She won’t mind.
 
I want to marry Mike! :)  Great attitude.  Many will probably see it as being way too restrictive but personally I think you have a solid grip on the meaning of becoming husband and wife… When you are married your sexual energies should only be directed to your spouse and your personal interactions with the opposite sex are best kept minimized. Most will argue vehemently with this concept I am sure because we have been taught to do what we want and what makes us feel good and to hell with everything else but there is a certain quiet wisdom to devoting your attentions to the person you chose to become your life`s mate. After all, don`t we pledge to forsake all others (meaning primarily the opposite sex) when we join in marriage with our spouse…   ;)

]]> By: CD http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-54192 CD Sun, 27 Dec 2009 05:10:27 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-54192 To Mike, I agree with you 100% when it comes to married people having friends of the opposite sex. You can certainly be kind and courteous while dealing with co-workers of the opposite sex, but going out alone for intimate little lunches or palling around with that person is wrong and puts an unnecessary strain on the marriage. If a married woman really wants a lot of male friends, she should not marry! The same goes for a man, if you crave the company of many women then stay single, don't get married! I know these values seem hopelessly out of step with the "modern" world, but with a divorce rate of 50%, perhaps "old fashioned" isn't such a bad idea! To Mike,
I agree with you 100% when it comes to married people having friends of the opposite sex. You can certainly be kind and courteous while dealing with co-workers of the opposite sex, but going out alone for intimate little lunches or palling around with that person is wrong and puts an unnecessary strain on the marriage. If a married woman really wants a lot of male friends, she should not marry! The same goes for a man, if you crave the company of many women then stay single, don’t get married! I know these values seem hopelessly out of step with the “modern” world, but with a divorce rate of 50%, perhaps “old fashioned” isn’t such a bad idea!

]]> By: doublestandards http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-44149 doublestandards Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:34:19 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-44149 All of the comments on here are really interesting! I strongly agree that we women do need to set our standards and keep to them. WE choose how we should be treated. though i know how hard that is! i am really struggling atm. with society etc telling us women 'men cant help it. get over it.' etc. in regards to ogling and making comments about otherr women and pulling their own partner down! One important thing that i try to remember (it helps me get a clearer head) is that while you may hav a partner (aka arrogant insecure pig) tell you that you need to lose weight, tone up, boobs arent big enough etc etc. doesnt mean his point of view is actually what he thinks (could be pure jealousy) OR it is absolutely NOT what other men/ women think about you! Prime example- for my first 3 bf's (and random guys in the street) they thought my butt was the best thing on earth (quite protruding for my size). so even when i felt fat. i loved my butt. (i know i shouldnt take so much validation from them-am working on that!) but random ppl would stop me in teh street and comment on it/ my looks. my bf's used to get men coming up saying 'hold on to her mate!', boys at work sould vote me as hottest girl etc etc...now i know thats extreme and so stupid but it helps make my point. (btw i am very secure- as you can tell by the fact i held onto these times!) BUT i then met my next bf. he would ogle other GIRLS (always around 16-18). cheated and bragged about how 'beautiful' she was, how my bum was too big and fatty and it turned him off. comment on other 'beautiful' girls. and say he doesnt look at me because he has 'seen me already'. etc. trust me. i was insecure as it was...but this pulled me right down (plus had jst left physically abusive relationship). point is- he had different opinions to all those other guys i mentioned...so DO NOT! FOR ONE SECOND! THINK IS POV IS VALID!!! we are all beautiful and sexy in our own way and you can bet your bottom dollar other men think so too! dress yuorself up, wear heals, get your hair done, wear lippy! and watch the Ogling begin! No matter what your age there will be men ogling you! PLEASE love yourselves! i am 23 and find it so hard- i want to know that women of any age can love themselves and find men who do love them respectfully and think they are sexy as! don't take the 'i cant help it crap'...firstly, yes there may be studies showing men are visual...but so are women...and also, we can all help it! SECONDLY, dont take the 'its evolution crap' that men want to sow their wild oats with as many women as possible- there is no concrete evidence. it is THEORY. i am sick of women putting up with these excuses! at any age! MY mum is 53 and ABSOLUTELY STUNNING! ALL women can be! sometimes i cant stop looking at her- she is just beautiful! it comes from the outside and the inside- anyone worth having in your life (male or female) will see this! I am so sick of society and the media parring women up against each other! those 'who's hotter' polls drive me nuts! and FAKE women at that! my gosh! this is what they want! this is what sells the makeup, surgery, diet products, magazines, self help books, clothes etc etc etc. I, am taking a vow. right now. to not put up with any of this behaviour from men. i would rather be single! Li-ann- i think it was you that mentioned that you dont fit your hubbies 'ideal' of beauty. just look at it this way- you would fit my exes it sounds like! so the point is- dont let it de value yourself to yourself...is that makes sense JUDY- im only 23 so im not really in an authoratative position to give advice...but i studied psychology for 5 years and i have seen my fair share of psychologists and i have had my fair share of BOYS. have you tried doing it back to your husband?! he could even be jealous of something you know? feeling insecure about himself! start dressing sexy (dont you dare tell me you are too old!) and go out like that- really feel good about yourself! you are worth it! you know, do what an above poster said- hit his wallet...hard! im not saying go for surgery...but go get a facial, massage, cellulite treatments, buy new makeup and clothes that flatter you, start talking to the cute guy at the shops...come home and talk about a gorgeous guy that came into work and the CONVERSATION you had with him. i can bet my life your husband would get a second look from those women let alone a convo. also, this is only if you're willing to try that stuff- like i said...im not sure...but thats what i will do with the next guy that says those things to me. (of course there is a time and a place- if we are casually talking about attractive people then i dont care too much if he can handle it back- long as its not sexual innuendos). otherwise seriously- see a counsellor/ psychologist- not because your 'crazy' but they can help you to define for yourself what is and isnt acceptable and put those appropriate boundaries up so you are respected. as far as im concerned when things like that go to far it gets abusive All of the comments on here are really interesting! I strongly agree that we women do need to set our standards and keep to them. WE choose how we should be treated. though i know how hard that is! i am really struggling atm. with society etc telling us women ‘men cant help it. get over it.’ etc. in regards to ogling and making comments about otherr women and pulling their own partner down!
One important thing that i try to remember (it helps me get a clearer head) is that while you may hav a partner (aka arrogant insecure pig) tell you that you need to lose weight, tone up, boobs arent big enough etc etc. doesnt mean his point of view is actually what he thinks (could be pure jealousy) OR it is absolutely NOT what other men/ women think about you! Prime example- for my first 3 bf’s (and random guys in the street) they thought my butt was the best thing on earth (quite protruding for my size). so even when i felt fat. i loved my butt. (i know i shouldnt take so much validation from them-am working on that!) but random ppl would stop me in teh street and comment on it/ my looks. my bf’s used to get men coming up saying ‘hold on to her mate!’, boys at work sould vote me as hottest girl etc etc…now i know thats extreme and so stupid but it helps make my point. (btw i am very secure- as you can tell by the fact i held onto these times!) BUT i then met my next bf. he would ogle other GIRLS (always around 16-18). cheated and bragged about how ‘beautiful’ she was, how my bum was too big and fatty and it turned him off. comment on other ‘beautiful’ girls. and say he doesnt look at me because he has ‘seen me already’. etc. trust me. i was insecure as it was…but this pulled me right down (plus had jst left physically abusive relationship). point is- he had different opinions to all those other guys i mentioned…so DO NOT! FOR ONE SECOND! THINK IS POV IS VALID!!! we are all beautiful and sexy in our own way and you can bet your bottom dollar other men think so too! dress yuorself up, wear heals, get your hair done, wear lippy! and watch the Ogling begin! No matter what your age there will be men ogling you!
PLEASE love yourselves! i am 23 and find it so hard- i want to know that women of any age can love themselves and find men who do love them respectfully and think they are sexy as! don’t take the ‘i cant help it crap’…firstly, yes there may be studies showing men are visual…but so are women…and also, we can all help it!
SECONDLY, dont take the ‘its evolution crap’ that men want to sow their wild oats with as many women as possible- there is no concrete evidence. it is THEORY. i am sick of women putting up with these excuses! at any age! MY mum is 53 and ABSOLUTELY STUNNING! ALL women can be! sometimes i cant stop looking at her- she is just beautiful! it comes from the outside and the inside- anyone worth having in your life (male or female) will see this!
I am so sick of society and the media parring women up against each other! those ‘who’s hotter’ polls drive me nuts! and FAKE women at that! my gosh! this is what they want! this is what sells the makeup, surgery, diet products, magazines, self help books, clothes etc etc etc.

I, am taking a vow. right now. to not put up with any of this behaviour from men. i would rather be single!

Li-ann- i think it was you that mentioned that you dont fit your hubbies ‘ideal’ of beauty. just look at it this way- you would fit my exes it sounds like! so the point is- dont let it de value yourself to yourself…is that makes sense
JUDY- im only 23 so im not really in an authoratative position to give advice…but i studied psychology for 5 years and i have seen my fair share of psychologists and i have had my fair share of BOYS. have you tried doing it back to your husband?! he could even be jealous of something you know? feeling insecure about himself! start dressing sexy (dont you dare tell me you are too old!) and go out like that- really feel good about yourself! you are worth it! you know, do what an above poster said- hit his wallet…hard! im not saying go for surgery…but go get a facial, massage, cellulite treatments, buy new makeup and clothes that flatter you, start talking to the cute guy at the shops…come home and talk about a gorgeous guy that came into work and the CONVERSATION you had with him. i can bet my life your husband would get a second look from those women let alone a convo. also, this is only if you’re willing to try that stuff- like i said…im not sure…but thats what i will do with the next guy that says those things to me. (of course there is a time and a place- if we are casually talking about attractive people then i dont care too much if he can handle it back- long as its not sexual innuendos). otherwise seriously- see a counsellor/ psychologist- not because your ‘crazy’ but they can help you to define for yourself what is and isnt acceptable and put those appropriate boundaries up so you are respected. as far as im concerned when things like that go to far it gets abusive

]]> By: Judy http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-44058 Judy Sun, 27 Sep 2009 01:25:02 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-44058 I totally understand what you are saying. My husband has been openly talking openly to me about hot girls he sees on the street and on tv. It is not exactly to me, it is to himself but outloud and when I mention it hurts me he blows it off. He says I am too sensitive. I have been going through this for 10 years and it is hurting our marriage but he refuses to comprehend what I am saying. I have tried different approaches and it continues on today. Any advise? We are not young anymore .. both in our 40s. I totally understand what you are saying. My husband has been openly talking openly to me about hot girls he sees on the street and on tv. It is not exactly to me, it is to himself but outloud and when I mention it hurts me he blows it off. He says I am too sensitive. I have been going through this for 10 years and it is hurting our marriage but he refuses to comprehend what I am saying. I have tried different approaches and it continues on today. Any advise? We are not young anymore .. both in our 40s.

]]> By: JerseyGirl http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-43617 JerseyGirl Sat, 19 Sep 2009 15:33:55 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-43617 I think it is important to nip in the bud now and if talking doesn't help me, which it does't because he uses emotional manipulation to try to make me feel guilty so he can do as he pleases, I'll use other means to stay happy. I think that is most important Priyanka. To do what makes you happy and ignore the emotional manipulation. And to treat yourself like you deserve, however that is. I kind of feel like if a man is more interested in oggling other women or stealing glances then maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship. It's okay to not be in a relationship. If you are always looking after what you don't have, then maybe you need to be by yourself. I think it is important to nip in the bud now and if talking doesn’t help me, which it does’t because he uses emotional manipulation to try to make me feel guilty so he can do as he pleases, I’ll use other means to stay happy.
I think that is most important Priyanka. To do what makes you happy and ignore the emotional manipulation. And to treat yourself like you deserve, however that is.
I kind of feel like if a man is more interested in oggling other women or stealing glances then maybe he shouldn’t be in a relationship. It’s okay to not be in a relationship. If you are always looking after what you don’t have, then maybe you need to be by yourself.

]]> By: Priyanka http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/comment-page-3/#comment-43361 Priyanka Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:13:35 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-husband-openly-talks-about-other-attractive-women-to-me/#comment-43361 I have been so intrigued by eveyone's insight on this topic so thank you. I am also dealing with a similar situation where my husband of 3 months has used the moments I am down as a great time to point out or ogle at attractive women on the tv and gracefully look behind us at an attractive woman/girl thinking I'm too pre-occupied to notice. I've come to the conclusion that he has some growing up to do. In the meantime, I don't mind pointing out attractive men on TV and ogling myself, although I will not go beyond my own standards of respect for him. I know he feels this and will adjust his insensitive behaviour. When or if he does, then I will no longer have the need to teach him how to treat others the way he wants to be treated. I've also decided to look good for myself when I'm up for it by taking caring of myself, like I used to do when I was single. I'm a huge believer that people around us will love us as much as we love ourselves, for the most part. I will also "get a life" as focus on what he may or may not like are things I just don't care about anymore. I think it is important to nip in the bud now and if talking doesn't help me, which it doesn't because he uses emotional manipulation to try to make me feel guilty so he can do as he pleases, I'll use other means to stay happy. Thank God for beautiful girfriends to lift my spirits up. I think at the end of the day both women and men need to feel loved, appreciated, undertood (a big one for me) and empathized with. The higher we all raise our own standards as to how we will be treated by other people, the higher standards in action people end up displaying themselves. I also think that the reason there is such a high incidence of disrespect and hurt in relationships is because people in general give excuses for the poor behaviour of others There are so many great posts that I'd love to comment on. Mike's comments were classic, though I am not of the same opinion nor do I believe he's truly being honest with himself. Men who feel that one can only be friends with one sex are afraid of crossing the limits within their own relationship, whether it is their own or the boundaries defined between spouses. The thought that being around the opposite sex is trouble speaks volumes about the individuals perception of their own self control/willpower and limiting beliefs about the other sex. What happens in this world when individuals decide to cut themselves off from 50% of the world's population is a disconnection and lack of full understanding of people in the world. It's like having one friend from Europe and THAT'S IT. There is no reason one cannot be friends with more than one European and have a fulfilling, committed, happy life and primary relationship with the one European of choice, unless you get easily distracted. That being said, there is no reason why this cannot happen by having just the one European friend. There is, however, more to lose by not socializing with other Europeans. I have been so intrigued by eveyone’s insight on this topic so thank you. I am also dealing with a similar situation where my husband of 3 months has used the moments I am down as a great time to point out or ogle at attractive women on the tv and gracefully look behind us at an attractive woman/girl thinking I’m too pre-occupied to notice. I’ve come to the conclusion that he has some growing up to do. In the meantime, I don’t mind pointing out attractive men on TV and ogling myself, although I will not go beyond my own standards of respect for him. I know he feels this and will adjust his insensitive behaviour. When or if he does, then I will no longer have the need to teach him how to treat others the way he wants to be treated. I’ve also decided to look good for myself when I’m up for it by taking caring of myself, like I used to do when I was single. I’m a huge believer that people around us will love us as much as we love ourselves, for the most part. I will also “get a life” as focus on what he may or may not like are things I just don’t care about anymore. I think it is important to nip in the bud now and if talking doesn’t help me, which it doesn’t because he uses emotional manipulation to try to make me feel guilty so he can do as he pleases, I’ll use other means to stay happy. Thank God for beautiful girfriends to lift my spirits up. I think at the end of the day both women and men need to feel loved, appreciated, undertood (a big one for me) and empathized with. The higher we all raise our own standards as to how we will be treated by other people, the higher standards in action people end up displaying themselves. I also think that the reason there is such a high incidence of disrespect and hurt in relationships is because people in general give excuses for the poor behaviour of others
There are so many great posts that I’d love to comment on. Mike’s comments were classic, though I am not of the same opinion nor do I believe he’s truly being honest with himself.
Men who feel that one can only be friends with one sex are afraid of crossing the limits within their own relationship, whether it is their own or the boundaries defined between spouses. The thought that being around the opposite sex is trouble speaks volumes about the individuals perception of their own self control/willpower and limiting beliefs about the other sex. What happens in this world when individuals decide to cut themselves off from 50% of the world’s population is a disconnection and lack of full understanding of people in the world. It’s like having one friend from Europe and THAT’S IT. There is no reason one cannot be friends with more than one European and have a fulfilling, committed, happy life and primary relationship with the one European of choice, unless you get easily distracted. That being said, there is no reason why this cannot happen by having just the one European friend. There is, however, more to lose by not socializing with other Europeans.

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