My Long Distance Boyfriend Does Not Want To Think About Our Future, But He Insists He Is Committed To Me. How Can I Be Sure?
Writing this has made it obvious to me that this is an issue I have to figure out for myself. I want reassurance that he does love me and does want the relationship to last. But should I need that? Nobody knows what will happen in the future, and most relationships do end. So my question to you is, what does commitment really mean? Is it just a lie we tell ourselves? Is it actually better to just take things a day at a time and try to be the best people we can be, both in a relationship and outside of it?
Well stated, and slightly different than previous questions I’ve answered about commitment:
(As you can see, these questions are universal and have usually been tackled before – see the “search” button below Ask Evan on the left side).
Where to begin? Let’s start from the end and work backwards.
No, commitment isn’t just a lie we tell ourselves. There are people who truly understand the meaning of it and do their best to embody and honor it every day. There are more people who never thought too deeply about what it meant. Take Tiger Woods, for example.
I can assure you that if you laid out a chart of what Tiger would lose (money, respect, endorsements, marriage) vs. what he gained (sex in a car with a skanky Vegas cocktail waitress), he’d make a different decision.
It seems clear that however much he loved – or lusted for – his wife, he was a guy who, as a 30-year-old, attractive, travelling billionaire celebrity superstar, wasn’t ready for everything that commitment entailed. His iron will on the golf course didn’t extend to his marriage. And, make no mistake, when you’re in Tiger Woods’ position, you need an iron will to stay committed. I’m not letting him off the hook, but he has FAR more temptation and opportunity than the rest of us.
I’m not going to spend any more on Tiger, except to say that I’ve debated friends about this and don’t think he’s a sex addict or an evil person. I just think he’s a powerful narcissist who was able to detach himself from his actions for as long as he could. I can assure you that if you laid out a chart of what Tiger would lose (money, respect, endorsements, marriage) vs. what he gained (sex in a car with a skanky Vegas cocktail waitress), he’d make a different decision.
To bring this back to you, Emily, I share my thought on Tiger to illustrate how people are irrational decision makers and don’t always do what’s best or most logical. Which leaves us grasping at straws when trying to assess HOW and WHY he could ruin everything that’s great between you.
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