My Long Distance Boyfriend Does Not Want To Think About Our Future, But He Insists He Is Committed To Me. How Can I Be Sure?
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…since you don’t have a ring, share a home, or discuss a future, you need to find the man who is going to give that to you.
But my guess is that your situation is like most situations of women with non-committal men: he wants you on his terms only, and your needs don’t matter nearly as much. It’s dime-store selfishness, not inherent to men, but it sure is common. And the only way to fix a situation with a selfish man is to walk away.
Tell him that you love him and wish him well, but you do not get your emotional needs met as a once every two weeks girlfriend. And since you don’t have a ring, share a home, or discuss a future, you need to find the man who is going to give that to you.
You’ll be surprised at how easily he lets you go – which should validate the very reason you’re leaving.
Good luck.
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30 Comments »Filed Under Dating
I am nearly always in the mood physically. However as a woman I need and want to...
Steve 1
Emily;
He *may* love you, but so what? He doesn’t act in a way that would make someone happy to share a life with him. You can probably do better.
Jennifer 2
I think Evan nailed it here. It’s not a matter of whether or not this guy is wrong, but about what you want in a relationship and whether or not he’ll be able to give it to you. Based on what i’ve read it looks like he may be the wrong guy, but i’m for doing whatever you need to do to figure it out, so that if you end up having to walk away from this guy you’ll do so with no regrets and no ‘what if’s’.
HRGoddess 3
I find it to be true about not being able to change people. If you need to be with someone who can express their affection and give you a verbal commitment, then you need to go out and find that person. Trying to fit a round peg into a square hole will only frustrate both of you. You should not have to compromise on those things that feed your heart and soul… some things are not negotiable.
BeenThruTheWars 4
Men (okay, people) do what they want to do, and they don’t do what they don’t want to do. Emily’s boyfriend doesn’t want to do the things that please her (verbal reassurances of his love, small demonstrations of delight in their being together); he doesn’t want to discuss the future; he wants things to be the way he wants them and doesn’t want them to change. He has made it pretty clear he won’t marry her or settle down and have a family with her.
His particular reasons don’t matter (bipolar disorder, high-pressure job); men will give all sorts of reasons why they don’t want to take a relationship to the next level (“I’m not ready,” “I need to focus on my career now,” “I don’t make enough money to support a wife,” “I [fill in the blank with his favorite excuse].”) The bottom line is, when a man is “all in,” commitment-wise, you’ll know it. This man is not all-in. As Evan points out, the only way Emily can be “sure” of this is to leave. He will either get off the dime and do things Emily’s way (possibly with a lot of resentment at having to do things he doesn’t want to do), or he won’t.
What Emily should ask herself is, is she willing to settle for a non-romantic, unsentimental, unemotional relationship in which she is not free to find someone who may be better suited to her?
InaccessibleRail 5
I think if he loved you, he would be making more of an effort. If you’re fine with putting forth all of the effort now, that’s fine. But keep in mind, even in a best-case scenario, this sets awful precedent. If you’re the one putting forth all the effort now, you’re probably also going to wind up putting forth all the effort down the road with housework, child care/rearing, errands, yardwork, etc. etc. etc. Hope that high-pressure job pays well enough for you to hire an au pair and a landscaper, because if his lack of involvement now is any indication, you’re going to have your hands FULL.
Personally, though, I think HJNTIY. But there’s a pretty decent chance that someday you’ll look at a picture of your wonderful husband and maybe children and silently thank him for that.
Opinionated 6
Try leaving & see if he stops you… Thats the best way… & you will have your answer
I suspect that you enjoy the situation as much as you hate it or you would have walked out already.
If you know you wont ger what you want from him, leave. Pure & simple. If he wants you he will do what it takes & if he doesnt then well at least you know it was just 2 years and its all a learning experience in life.
Donna 7
No, I think he is into you, as much as he personally can be, but that what he has to give is not enough, and never will be. Its all he’s able to give, but you need so much more, and rightfully so. So go, and go soon. You’ll be grateful down the road that you didn’t waste any more of your time. It is so clear for those of us reading your letter.
Jane 8
Emily can go get a guy more suited to her and then she can learn how to navigate his problems because— he will have problems too.
If this guy is loyal, and they have fun, affection, good sex, etc. what about looking at what is there rather than what is not. Sounds like he is committed if his loyal and dependable.
Maybe he is perfect just the way he is. Maybe their “language of love” (refers to the book, The 5 Languages of Love) is not being understood.
Of all the suspect things do, one of them is get tired of women trying to change them when they think they are already doing the right things. That somehow, if they just changed, the new and improved version would be acceptable. I think they get tired of it…..
David 9
Its simple, Men are either planning with you OR they are playing with you.
It sounds like he is playing. Leave him, tell him you love him but that he is not treating you the way you want. Set standards of expectations for him.
Regina 10
I almost feel as though this type of suffering is a rite of passage for some women. That said, let me give you just one illusion shattering way of thinking about this guy:
“He’s BiPolar” – Oh really. Is this a horrible mental illness or is it just this situation specific problem that crops up every time he wants to be moody or pitch a fit. Are his colleagues picking up the slack for him when his bi-polarness is out of contol? Bank putting extra money in his account ’cause of his latest manic shopping episode. Doctor insisting he get a handicapped hang tag for when those depressive episodes sap his energy? Oh, it’s only you who has to make it easier for him.
I could go on, but hope that gives you some food for thought.
Ana 11
Emily, I have never commented before but I am doing so now because I was in a relationship several years ago that was strikingly similar to yours–initially long distance, with a wonderful and brilliant man who was extremely noncommittal and also bipolar. When I look back on that relationship now I am stunned at how much I was willing to put my own needs and wants on hold, and at how much I was willing to adapt myself to his life (including his depression, which became a major factor in _both_ of our lives once we moved in together), but how unwilling and resistant he was to ever do the same for me. Because of his mental health, or his noncommital nature, or whatever, each new stage in our relationship became cause for anxiety and depression, rather than happiness and hope. Is that really what you want for yourself? I wish I would have forced myself to answer that question. I simply could not give up on the relationship, could not let go of the love and passion that I felt for him, could not recognize that my needs were not being met. And so he was the one who ended it, when he went through a major depressive cycle just a month before the wedding we had finally planned after over 5 years together. It was a horrific breakup, but almost as soon as the dust had cleared I realized that I had somehow managed to dodge a bullet. After several years of dating (during which I became a regular reader of this website) I wound up in a totally different relationship with a totally different man. Now thinking about the future is exciting, and brings us closer together. When I ask him for reassurance he gives it to me without resistance. I wake up each day knowing exactly how he feels about me, exactly where I stand with him, exactly what we’re dreaming of and hoping for together. So please know that I understand how difficult it can be to let go of someone you love so dearly– but that even if things don’t turn out the way you are hoping with him, I’m sure that something even better is possible for you.
Dancer 12
I have never commented before, but Emily’s question mirrors my experience. While I agree with much of what EMK says, I also know that Emily needs to give a lot of weight to the fact that her boyfriend is bipolar. I know from personal experience with a bipolar man I loved and with whom I was in a relationship that such a relationship will never give you what you want. Bipolars spend a tremendous amount of energy just trying to keep their world together. They haven’t much left to give to an ongoing relationship. When you never know who you are going to be and whether you will be up or down when you wake up in the morning, planning for the future really is iffy. I’m sure that their frequent separations give him the breather he needs to even continue the relationship.
I’m not saying that Emily should put up with her boyfriend’s behavior because he is bipolar. What I am saying is that she will be the one to make all the compromises. Given the bipolar overlay on his basic character, she never will get what she wants from the relationship. In his own eyes, he very well may feel committed to her. But just like my ex, he simply is not able to enter into a full relationship with anyone.
Emily, I urge you to say good-by and find a man who really wants a relationship and is ready for one.
Honey 13
I agree with what EMK and others here have said. It seems moot to me to wonder whether or not his feelings for her are genuine – and I think that we should assume that they are, or at least Emily should. However, the important question isn’t whether his feelings are genuine – the important question is whether he can express those feelings in a way that makes her feel secure, loved, and appreciated.
Her letter seems to indicate that he cannot. So then the question becomes (as others have noted), is she willing to be in a relationship with someone who not only doesn’t meet her needs currently, who not only refuses to compromise in order to meet her needs, BUT WHO ALSO tells her flat out that her (to me, totally normal and understandable) needs are indicative of neediness and insecurity? That would be totally unacceptable to me, at least.
I don’t think that this means she should get mad at him, or assume that he really could change and is just playing games – it’s simpler (and more logical) to assume that this is it – the best he can do, the most he can compromise, the most affectionate he can be. If that’s the case and it’s not good enough, then she just needs to say very calmly, “I care about you a great deal and wanted a future together, but although you care a great deal about me, it doesn’t seem like you are willing or able to meet my other needs. The longer I stay with you, the more I will care about you, but that would be very unhealthy for me because you would still not be meeting my needs. So I’m going to have to break this off sooner rather than later.”
I also hypothesize that he’s not going to chase you, make ridiculous promises to change, or beg for you to take him back. In fact, that might be one of the reasons that you’re so reluctant to break up with him yourself. In other words, if you thought he would do those things you probably WOULD break up with him because the grand gestures that followed would be salve on the wound his indifference has caused, whereas breaking up with him and then him NOT making a grand gesture just opens another wound. But if you are thinking along these lines (even if you don’t want to admit it), then it’s probably because you already know it’s time to walk away.
Regina 14
It’s shocking to me that people will accept at face value someone’s assertions that they are BP, MPD (whatever) and/or will use it to defend indefensible behavior.
Why would you spend one second with someone who told you they had a interpersonally crippling mental disorder.
Then again, some women pursue men who are incarcerated, so what do I know.
Sigh…..
A-L 15
From the sounds of it Emily is doing all of the work in the relationship. She’s doing everything to meet his needs, while many of hers are going unmet. I’m even willing to bet that she does the majority of the traveling in their long distance relationship. Frankly, I actually don’t see a big difference between this letter and some of the previous ones that Evan has answered. For doing pretty much nothing this guy gets a sounding board, fabulous sex, and no work in terms of supporting and maintaining the relationship. Why would he possibly want this to end? And why should he finally start compromising two years in when he’s never had to before?
Like the other posters, Emily’s needs are not being met and I would recommend she leave. But if she stays she should realize that things will probably never change.
Joe 16
If your needs aren’t being met, and are unlikely to be met in the future, then you should leave.
However, just because you feel your needs are justified doesn’t mean you aren’t needy.
Roger 17
Go together to a couple’s counselor. They can help evaluate your relationship from both partner’s perspective. They can facilitate communication and help decide if the relationship can work.
A good counselor won’t try hold together an impossible relationship.
Good Luck!
Roger
sayanta 18
I wonder what her SO teaches- I hope it’s not Psychology and the Art of Human Relationships.
BeenThruTheWars 19
Not everyone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder has wild, out of control highs and lows. Like any illness or disorder, there is a continuum. People with a mild case that is controlled with medication don’t think or behave much differently from “normal” people who aren’t thus afflicted. There are also varying types of bipolar disorder: people who tend towards depression, people who tend towards manic episodes, people who experience mixed states of depression combined with jazzed up feelings of irritability, etc. So if Emily’s boyfriend’s disorder is under control and has stayed under control for some time, it’s not as big a red flag as some of the comments have made it out to be. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about depression and bipolar disorder. Untreated, you bet — that is not a relationship that’s ever going to be easy. Treated? It’s like any other chronic illness a person takes medication for. There are going to be flareups and times when there are problems, but the pharmaceutical arsenal available to treat these conditions is pretty formidable.
bdsista 20
Say goodbye and do it today! I dated a man who was loving and caring and committed and bipolar and one day his meds did not work and the effect was devastating! It hurt me deeply to say goodbye, but I realized that I was not emotionally equipped to deal with the responsibilities that come with living with someone with a mental disability. That was my self realization and choice and he was a wonderful loving, generous attentive man.
You do not have that. You are fortunate that you are long distance, its easier to get over someone who is not in your face constantly. I would suggest that you not even ask him about commitment. He doesn’t want it, he doesn’t have it in him to really show any love. I don’t think based on the letter that he loves you. You are a convenience. You deserve better. You deserve to have a man who TELLS you he loves you-Daily. You derserve to have a man to calls and wants to be with you and wants to plan a future with you. Your needs IMO are pretty normal in my book.
So being blunt, dump him, get with EMK, get a good dating site and move on. Give yourself time to heal over this as well.
isabelle_archer 21
“I do express my love for him (though not as much as I used to as it’s kind of awkward).”
I think that’s really sad. It’s one thing for him not to tell you he loves you; but to not even be able to express fully how you feel? That’s really tough, and unfair. Not only are you conforming to his communication style in terms of what he says – you are also changing yours. Where’s the mutuality?
In terms of the “future” issue, I think this guy is just plain lying to you and/or himself. He’s obviously very intelligent, so he must know that you have to make some deliberate decisions in order to keep a relationship going — namely, moving to the same city, in this case. Does he think that it’s just going to magically happen without any planning or discussion? What he really means by taking it “one day at a time” is that he’s happy with the status quo. But you aren’t, and that’s ok.
Like other posters, this question really touches me. I also had a bipolar boyfriend with a high pressure job – and he was also a professor! I know exactly what it feels like. But why should you be subordinate to his emotional and professional needs? Yours are just as important. Please believe in yourself.
Robyn 22
Dear Emily,
This fella is committed to one – and only one thing – his own convenience. He seems to have significantly less consideration for other people’s welfare than his own. And that is unlikely to change in future. Selfish is as selfish does. The chances of a major change of attitude on his part (which is what you appear to neeed) are very, very low.
As hard as it may be to do, you need to leave him and find some one else who will love you equally as you do them, and consider your welfare at least as important as their own.
Good Luck,
From some one who has walked in your shoes & who should have “walked away” sooner than she did!
Corey 23
Wait, I’m a little confused. The woman won’t be happy until she gets what she wants (or deserves, as most people can’t discern between the two), But if she does get what she wants and the man changes, he won’t be happy. Sounds like a lose lose to me. Time to move on to someone else. Not that she deserves “better” as stated by some posters, but she deserves someone more in line with what she wants.
Diane 24
The more time Emily spends with a man who is not right for HER takes her out of the possibility of finding the right man for her.
Regardless, one way out of this is unless a woman is fully committed, ring on her finger and a date, then she is not his. Emily could be dating other men at the same time. She can be sexually exclusive with this man, but that’s it.
My guess is that is she opened up her world, she would quickly see all the men that are out there, that live CLOSE, that are much more of a potential match.
b 25
EVAN! YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN! (But really, you get to the point!) Your articles are like the best slaps to the face.
What would women do without you?
Thank you.
Sara 26
Ah, this makes me feel so validated. I am so glad I stumbled upon this. I just ended a 4.5 year relationship a few months ago. He would not commit. He was scared as hell (recent parental divorce). Lol, I don’t understand why it took me so long to SEE what was right there in front of me; that he’s non-committal. I wasted a God damn awful long amount of time on the relationship and ENORMOUS emotional resources.
Ugh… It’s sad. But I GET why I was so insecure in that relationship. I know he cared about me and loved me, but we had NO conversations about future. NONE. Not even a single mention of our future, unless I brought it up. And I was so insecure. Until right now, I couldn’t figure out why I was so insecure. I thought I was an insecure person. DEAR GOOD LORD! I thought I was an insecure person.
This is SUCH a relief.
What’s funny is that in last 4 months, 2 guys have hinted at how they think we’re “soul mates”. It was premature on their part so nothing to be taken seriously. But that’s quite a contrast from the dude I cared about so much.
Maria 27
I was in quite similar situation to yours. I loved him, and I think he did as well because his actions used to show! However he lacked affection, and sometimes even lack of motivation to meet me, or not being that punctual for dates… Now we broke up since he feels confused. As others said, I think that yes, if what you are searching for is not available for you, move on (it applies to me as well although, I can’t right now), since i m still emptionally attached…but that’s the rational way to go!!! Goodluck!
rashid 28
hey emily walk away………the day u will find sumone like u the whole world will become in front of u.and dnt think why u cud nt get him??its sumthing decided by fate.GOD has made sumone for u..who is beautiful like u and will be commited the way u want…..
claudia 29
Take care of that feeling, loving heart of yours, Emily. Sounds as though things are really hard right now.
Lizz Wright’s music is good medicine. Your story brings her song, “Chasing Strange” to mind. So many of her tunes will perhaps help you feel your way back to your whole heart and your good dreams. To encourage you, listen to “You Can Fly”. Often.
And, thanks for writing to Evan. Your honesty is a gift to all of us. And, you drew his fabulous logic+compassion combo out for all of us to apply to our challenges.
You’re gonna turn out just fine. More than fine. Thanks so much.
tiana 30
Your letter seems to tell my story as well, only that we’ve been together for 4 years and we’ve been in long distance relationship this entire time. I”m finishing Master’s this summer and he’s starting his PhD years.
Suffering marriage fever (when shockingly EVERYONE around me is getting married or engaged) and social pressure (I’m Asian) and the prospect of us being forever in the long distance relationship made me ask THE QUESTION. Will you commit, will you include me in your future? THE ANSWER: Right now I’m very happy, but I don’t see where we’ll be in 5 years and we’ll see about that.
It hurts like hell, for me, because I’ve been thinking of pink pictures only. So I initiated a breakup, which then I turned into a break – and he agreed. Taking time apart is so difficult but also productive. It makes me realize that I was deluded that having him is MY MISSION and having me is his. No it’s not a mission, is it? If it happens, it happens – we won’t be losers if it doesn’t happen, right?
We haven’t talked again yet, but if we do – and we will – I will admit to him that my attitude doesn’t help us, and help me – individually. But I’m not sure what to do next, it depends on how he feels about us too of course. So I’d suggest you to take things slow too. Help yourself first, get your thoughts clear, heal your pain. I’ll cry a river if I lose him, really. But I won’t hold him back if you are not a good match.