Comments on: My Long Distance Boyfriend Does Not Want To Think About Our Future, But He Insists He Is Committed To Me. How Can I Be Sure?

By: tiana

tiana — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 12:07:59 +0000

Your letter seems to tell my story as well, only that we’ve been together for 4 years and we’ve been in long distance relationship this entire time. I”m finishing Master’s this summer and he’s starting his PhD years.
Suffering marriage fever (when shockingly EVERYONE around me is getting married or engaged) and social pressure (I’m Asian) and the prospect of us being forever in the long distance relationship made me ask THE QUESTION. Will you commit, will you include me in your future? THE ANSWER: Right now I’m very happy, but I don’t see where we’ll be in 5 years and we’ll see about that.
It hurts like hell, for me, because I’ve been thinking of pink pictures only. So I initiated a breakup, which then I turned into a break – and he agreed. Taking time apart is so difficult but also productive. It makes me realize that I was deluded that having him is MY MISSION and having me is his. No it’s not a mission, is it? If it happens, it happens – we won’t be losers if it doesn’t happen, right?
We haven’t talked again yet, but if we do – and we will – I will admit to him that my attitude doesn’t help us, and help me – individually. But I’m not sure what to do next, it depends on how he feels about us too of course. So I’d suggest you to take things slow too. Help yourself first, get your thoughts clear, heal your pain. I’ll cry a river if I lose him, really. But I won’t hold him back if you are not a good match.

By: claudia

claudia — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 05:20:11 +0000

Take care of that feeling, loving heart of yours, Emily. Sounds as though things are really hard right now.
Lizz Wright’s music is good medicine. Your story brings her song, “Chasing Strange” to mind. So many of her tunes will perhaps help you feel your way back to your whole heart and your good dreams. To encourage you, listen to “You Can Fly”. Often.
And, thanks for writing to Evan. Your honesty is a gift to all of us. And, you drew his fabulous logic+compassion combo out for all of us to apply to our challenges.

You’re gonna turn out just fine. More than fine. Thanks so much.

By: rashid

rashid — Sat, 05 May 2012 22:28:28 +0000

hey emily walk away………the day u will find sumone like u the whole world will become in front of u.and dnt think why u cud nt get him??its sumthing decided by fate.GOD has made sumone for u..who is beautiful like u and will be commited the way u want…..

By: Maria

Maria — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 10:53:08 +0000

I was in quite similar situation to yours. I loved him, and I think he did as well because his actions used to show! However he lacked affection, and sometimes even lack of motivation to meet me, or not being that punctual for dates… Now we broke up since he feels confused. As others said, I think that yes, if what you are searching for is not available for you, move on (it applies to me as well although, I can’t right now), since i m still emptionally attached…but that’s the rational way to go!!! Goodluck!

By: Sara

Sara — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 22:35:46 +0000

Ah, this makes me feel so validated. I am so glad I stumbled upon this. I just ended a 4.5 year relationship a few months ago. He would not commit. He was scared as hell (recent parental divorce). Lol, I don’t understand why it took me so long to SEE what was right there in front of me; that he’s non-committal. I wasted a God damn awful long amount of time on the relationship and ENORMOUS emotional resources.

Ugh… It’s sad. But I GET why I was so insecure in that relationship. I know he cared about me and loved me, but we had NO conversations about future. NONE. Not even a single mention of our future, unless I brought it up. And I was so insecure. Until right now, I couldn’t figure out why I was so insecure. I thought I was an insecure person. DEAR GOOD LORD! I thought I was an insecure person.

This is SUCH a relief.

What’s funny is that in last 4 months, 2 guys have hinted at how they think we’re “soul mates”. It was premature on their part so nothing to be taken seriously. But that’s quite a contrast from the dude I cared about so much.

By: b

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:32:32 +0000

EVAN! YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN! (But really, you get to the point!) Your articles are like the best slaps to the face.

What would women do without you?

Thank you.

By: Diane

Diane — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 19:14:27 +0000

The more time Emily spends with a man who is not right for HER takes her out of the possibility of finding the right man for her.

Regardless, one way out of this is unless a woman is fully committed, ring on her finger and a date, then she is not his. Emily could be dating other men at the same time. She can be sexually exclusive with this man, but that’s it.

My guess is that is she opened up her world, she would quickly see all the men that are out there, that live CLOSE, that are much more of a potential match.

By: Corey

Corey — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 16:48:18 +0000

Wait, I’m a little confused. The woman won’t be happy until she gets what she wants (or deserves, as most people can’t discern between the two), But if she does get what she wants and the man changes, he won’t be happy. Sounds like a lose lose to me. Time to move on to someone else. Not that she deserves “better” as stated by some posters, but she deserves someone more in line with what she wants.

By: Robyn

Robyn — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:55:23 +0000

Dear Emily,

This fella is committed to one – and only one thing – his own convenience. He seems to have significantly less consideration for other people’s welfare than his own. And that is unlikely to change in future. Selfish is as selfish does. The chances of a major change of attitude on his part (which is what you appear to neeed) are very, very low.

As hard as it may be to do, you need to leave him and find some one else who will love you equally as you do them, and consider your welfare at least as important as their own.

Good Luck,
From some one who has walked in your shoes & who should have “walked away” sooner than she did!

By: isabelle_archer

isabelle_archer — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:23:53 +0000

“I do express my love for him (though not as much as I used to as it’s kind of awkward).”
I think that’s really sad. It’s one thing for him not to tell you he loves you; but to not even be able to express fully how you feel? That’s really tough, and unfair. Not only are you conforming to his communication style in terms of what he says – you are also changing yours. Where’s the mutuality?
In terms of the “future” issue, I think this guy is just plain lying to you and/or himself. He’s obviously very intelligent, so he must know that you have to make some deliberate decisions in order to keep a relationship going — namely, moving to the same city, in this case. Does he think that it’s just going to magically happen without any planning or discussion? What he really means by taking it “one day at a time” is that he’s happy with the status quo. But you aren’t, and that’s ok.
Like other posters, this question really touches me. I also had a bipolar boyfriend with a high pressure job – and he was also a professor! I know exactly what it feels like. But why should you be subordinate to his emotional and professional needs? Yours are just as important. Please believe in yourself.