Comments on: My Long Distance Boyfriend Does Not Want To Think About Our Future, But He Insists He Is Committed To Me. How Can I Be Sure?

By: Sara

Sara — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 22:35:46 +0000

Ah, this makes me feel so validated. I am so glad I stumbled upon this. I just ended a 4.5 year relationship a few months ago. He would not commit. He was scared as hell (recent parental divorce). Lol, I don’t understand why it took me so long to SEE what was right there in front of me; that he’s non-committal. I wasted a God damn awful long amount of time on the relationship and ENORMOUS emotional resources.

Ugh… It’s sad. But I GET why I was so insecure in that relationship. I know he cared about me and loved me, but we had NO conversations about future. NONE. Not even a single mention of our future, unless I brought it up. And I was so insecure. Until right now, I couldn’t figure out why I was so insecure. I thought I was an insecure person. DEAR GOOD LORD! I thought I was an insecure person.

This is SUCH a relief.

What’s funny is that in last 4 months, 2 guys have hinted at how they think we’re “soul mates”. It was premature on their part so nothing to be taken seriously. But that’s quite a contrast from the dude I cared about so much.

By: b

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:32:32 +0000

EVAN! YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN! (But really, you get to the point!) Your articles are like the best slaps to the face.

What would women do without you?

Thank you.

By: Diane

Diane — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 19:14:27 +0000

The more time Emily spends with a man who is not right for HER takes her out of the possibility of finding the right man for her.

Regardless, one way out of this is unless a woman is fully committed, ring on her finger and a date, then she is not his. Emily could be dating other men at the same time. She can be sexually exclusive with this man, but that’s it.

My guess is that is she opened up her world, she would quickly see all the men that are out there, that live CLOSE, that are much more of a potential match.

By: Corey

Corey — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 16:48:18 +0000

Wait, I’m a little confused. The woman won’t be happy until she gets what she wants (or deserves, as most people can’t discern between the two), But if she does get what she wants and the man changes, he won’t be happy. Sounds like a lose lose to me. Time to move on to someone else. Not that she deserves “better” as stated by some posters, but she deserves someone more in line with what she wants.

By: Robyn

Robyn — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:55:23 +0000

Dear Emily,

This fella is committed to one – and only one thing – his own convenience. He seems to have significantly less consideration for other people’s welfare than his own. And that is unlikely to change in future. Selfish is as selfish does. The chances of a major change of attitude on his part (which is what you appear to neeed) are very, very low.

As hard as it may be to do, you need to leave him and find some one else who will love you equally as you do them, and consider your welfare at least as important as their own.

Good Luck,
From some one who has walked in your shoes & who should have “walked away” sooner than she did!

By: isabelle_archer

isabelle_archer — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:23:53 +0000

“I do express my love for him (though not as much as I used to as it’s kind of awkward).”
I think that’s really sad. It’s one thing for him not to tell you he loves you; but to not even be able to express fully how you feel? That’s really tough, and unfair. Not only are you conforming to his communication style in terms of what he says – you are also changing yours. Where’s the mutuality?
In terms of the “future” issue, I think this guy is just plain lying to you and/or himself. He’s obviously very intelligent, so he must know that you have to make some deliberate decisions in order to keep a relationship going — namely, moving to the same city, in this case. Does he think that it’s just going to magically happen without any planning or discussion? What he really means by taking it “one day at a time” is that he’s happy with the status quo. But you aren’t, and that’s ok.
Like other posters, this question really touches me. I also had a bipolar boyfriend with a high pressure job – and he was also a professor! I know exactly what it feels like. But why should you be subordinate to his emotional and professional needs? Yours are just as important. Please believe in yourself.

By: bdsista

bdsista — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:21:13 +0000

Say goodbye and do it today! I dated a man who was loving and caring and committed and bipolar and one day his meds did not work and the effect was devastating! It hurt me deeply to say goodbye, but I realized that I was not emotionally equipped to deal with the responsibilities that come with living with someone with a mental disability. That was my self realization and choice and he was a wonderful loving, generous attentive man.

You do not have that. You are fortunate that you are long distance, its easier to get over someone who is not in your face constantly. I would suggest that you not even ask him about commitment. He doesn’t want it, he doesn’t have it in him to really show any love. I don’t think based on the letter that he loves you. You are a convenience. You deserve better. You deserve to have a man who TELLS you he loves you-Daily. You derserve to have a man to calls and wants to be with you and wants to plan a future with you. Your needs IMO are pretty normal in my book.
So being blunt, dump him, get with EMK, get a good dating site and move on. Give yourself time to heal over this as well.

By: BeenThruTheWars

BeenThruTheWars — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:28:02 +0000

Not everyone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder has wild, out of control highs and lows. Like any illness or disorder, there is a continuum. People with a mild case that is controlled with medication don’t think or behave much differently from “normal” people who aren’t thus afflicted. There are also varying types of bipolar disorder: people who tend towards depression, people who tend towards manic episodes, people who experience mixed states of depression combined with jazzed up feelings of irritability, etc. So if Emily’s boyfriend’s disorder is under control and has stayed under control for some time, it’s not as big a red flag as some of the comments have made it out to be. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about depression and bipolar disorder. Untreated, you bet — that is not a relationship that’s ever going to be easy. Treated? It’s like any other chronic illness a person takes medication for. There are going to be flareups and times when there are problems, but the pharmaceutical arsenal available to treat these conditions is pretty formidable.

By: sayanta

sayanta — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:53:41 +0000

I wonder what her SO teaches- I hope it’s not Psychology and the Art of Human Relationships.

By: Roger

Roger — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 03:30:44 +0000

Go together to a couple’s counselor. They can help evaluate your relationship from both partner’s perspective. They can facilitate communication and help decide if the relationship can work.
A good counselor won’t try hold together an impossible relationship.
Good Luck!
Roger