Comments on: My New Boyfriend Wants To Be Exclusive. Does He Like Me That Much, Or Is He A Control Freak?

By: C

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 20:46:28 +0000

I went through a similar experience with the guy I’ve been communicating with/dating now for about a month and a half/two months. He came on very strong in the beginning — multiple daily cutesy texts, overdoing it with the flattery even though he didn’t know me that well (especially about my physical appearance), asking to have a second date scheduled for the very next day after our first (I nixed that one) and pretty much saying he desired exclusivity after only our second date/about 2 weeks in (because he only likes to date one person at a time). I kind of freaked for all the reasons the writer did: “He doesn’t know me that well, yet; he only can only possibly like the ‘idea of me’ — not really me, yet.” “Does he have co-dependency issues (his ex was an alcoholic)?” “Does he have low self-esteem; why was he so willing to cut off HIS options so soon?” BUT… There was something about him, and I felt as long as he was willing to give me a little time, there was a lot of potential there. So, I took Evan’s advice that the men that are the best at relationships are usually lousy at early dating and decided to give him a chance while keeping an eye out for red-flags. I told him I understood if our timelines are different and if this was a dealbreaker but that I like to go more slowly than he does. I wanted to see how he would react; bitter and angry would’ve been huge red-flags! But he took it very well and respected my boundaries. Score! …And I then actually ended up sleeping with him much earlier than I’d ever done — on date 3/week 3 — in part, to “hold him over” until I could agree to exclusivity… and to find out if that’s why he really wanted to be exclusive so soon (which actually wouldn’t have hurt so badly at that point, because I wasn’t yet sure how I felt about him). It wasn’t; it actually made him ask more questions about where I saw “us headed.” …Now, a month and a half/two months in, I can say that he’s a great guy and we’ve grown closer and have even come through a few life obstacles. If he asked me to be his “real” girlfriend soon, I’d say, “yes.” I’m glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

By: KT

KT — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 01:10:44 +0000

I have dated a former alcoholic person. The relationship ended with him cheating on me. When I look back at the relationship, and how he behaved at certain occations, how he treated me, how we argued about little things, I knew that there were red flags. It’s really hard to stay open-minded about his issues and to watch out for red flags when you are falling for the person. Just make sure that you don’t accept his unacceptable behaviors. Don’t just listen to what you want to hear. Keep your eyes and ears open, and when you see too many red flags, it’s time for you to walk away with your head held high.

By: Kurt S.

Kurt S. — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 21:31:53 +0000

Shirl has some serious issues. She has no problem with sleeping with a guy right away, yet she thinks something must be wrong with him because he wants to be exclusive after that? It seems as though Shirl doesn’t want to be in a relationship and give up her freedom, but would prefer to sleep around.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 00:41:00 +0000

@ Honey #7,

Well I guess if that’s what floats one’s boat, that’s fine. I tend to thing that it doesn’t work out well more often than not, but then again what do I know? I tend to observe the masses and do the opposite.

By: bdsista

bdsista — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:08:09 +0000

@starthrower, I had sex on the first date and married the guy 11 months later. Then found out a LOT of my friends who gave me advice not to have sex on the first date, did it also with their husbands.

I was in an almost identical relationship, and I get her feelings. Same thing, NA member, active leader in his group, got intimate in a similar timeframe and not only did he want exclusivity, he damn near stayed at my house 24/7. At the time, I was also about 3 years out of my divorce, had started dating and sorting through the guys I had met and really wasn’t ready to get all deep. This guy also wanted me to come offline and I honestly said, I still wanted to see other people and we agreed that I would tell him if I did. Well when I told him I had a date, it turned into 20 questions finally with him screaming why do you want to see him are you F****ing him?! Repeatedly. So, it turned into me not sharing because he couldn’t have a conversation. It eventually ended up with him coming over unannounced when I had an old (haven’t seen for 12 years) friend over. In fact, I introduced my friend to him and he proceeded to act like a complete crazy person (I won’t repeat the comments, but they were to instigate an argument and I didn’t bite). He then left and came back 30 minutes later asking me had the guy left. I said of course not, why would he? So he then walked all around my house gathering his stuff (that I kept packing and telling him to take for months) and calling me a nasty word and left. I was pretty shocked as was my friend (we ended up getting back together after the trauma). But I did feel that despite my being open about our incompatibilities and my openly stating I wanted to date other people, he wanted it his way.
If you are feeling crowded and if its too soon for you, then my suggestion against everyone else here, is to wait until you feel its right.And for the record,if you practice safe sex, there is nothing wrong in my book with having more than one person you enjoy intimacy with and I’m 50 years old.

By: Steve

Steve — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:11:22 +0000

BTW, even if STDs magically disappeared from the Earth tonight the rule about casual dating ending where sex begins is rooted in some very wise reasoning.

By: Steve

Steve — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:10:07 +0000

Shirl;
I’m going to chime in with eveyrone else. Once you have sex with someone you date, it is no longer casual dating. Most people I know operate on that rule.

If you don’t want an exclusive relationship, that is 100% fine. Talk to him about it. It is 100% fine if he wants one. That just means you go your separate ways.

By: Joe

Joe — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:57:35 +0000

I think the OP does want to be exclusive too; it’s just that her schedule is different from his. His schedule isn’t necessarily wrong: just because her schedule is different doesn’t make it right for someone else.

By: A-L

A-L — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 12:51:20 +0000

The red flags:

1) He’s been a recovering alcoholic for 12 years. Not a huge flag. Obviously it’s something that will always have to be dealt with, but he’s definitely gotten through the most difficult times. Unless the OP is the kind who likes to go drinking regularly, and perhaps drinks heavily. In which case this is not a match made in heaven.

2) He regrets a relationship he messed up. The guy’s human, and at least sees where he’s made his own mistakes and can own up to it. A good chunk of the adult population is divorced, and can you tell me that most of them don’t feel they contributed in some way to the divorce? Hardly any different than that.

3) He’s sleeping with the OP and wants to be exclusive with her. Um, this is the recommended standard. Most would probably say this is commendable rather than a red flag.

But if the guy the OP’s seeing, “has his share of initial red flags flying” then why the heck is she still seeing him? Even if I don’t think the things she mentions are necessarily big problems, if she sees them that way, then she should end the relationship, particularly since they’ve only been dating for three weeks.

By: Kenley

Kenley — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 03:49:20 +0000

Unless the OP has left very important information out of her letter, I don’t see how wanting to be exclusive is controlling behavior.