Good Luck i hope my own story helped.

Thank you for responding to what I said about a culturally different spouse taking the child away from the parental culture.

I suppose that very often if parents are less than delighted with the child’s bf/gf, they are really less than delighted with how the child himself/herself turned out. In your case, your parents-in-law did not succeed in raising a very Vietnamese kid and are showing their regret by witholding complete approval of you.

“My point? Loss of culture is just another excuse people use when they don’t want their children marrying someone who’s different from THEM. Not from their child, but from them.”

Your parents-in-law though do have their beloved traditions, so it’s going to be sad for them to see grandchildren for whom those traditions aren’t very important, not practiced practiced at all, or in competition with other traditions like Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Xmas, Ramadan, etc.

In your case you seem to be willing to adopt a few Vietnamese customs for your parents-in-law, but there are cases where really one spouse’s culture dominates the other. (I think this happens with Muslim intermarriages (yeah, I know that a non-Muslim woman can keep her birth religion)).

I think that if a child is entering a relationship where he or she is going to be passing on the spouse’s customs much more than the natal family’s customs that parents have a right to be upset, though they should be upset with themselves as much as they should be upset with the outmarrying child.

In my case, it’s “taking HIM away from our culture” – I married a Vietnamese man, after many, MANY years of his parents’ disapproval. They wanted a Vietnamese daughter-in-law, someone of their culture, etc., etc. We’re still butting heads over what they expect and what I’m willing to do.

Thing is, often the significant other/fianc/spouse gets blamed for the loss of the parental culture…but what the parents don’t want to see is that the culture was lost before we ever met your kid. My husband is not very Vietnamese, having lived in the U.S. since the age of two. He doesn’t even speak the language anymore, beyond baby talk.

And yet…I’m “not Vietnamese”, my culture is wrong, and they’re afraid of his losing his identity to me. Sorry, folks, that wasn’t my doing. Had he been culturally Vietnamese the way they want, we never would have gotten together in the first place.

My point? “Loss of culture” is just another excuse people use when they don’t want their children marrying someone who’s different from THEM. Not from their child, but from them.

Okay, first of all please understand why I’m skeptical. The Ex NEVER tried dating ONCE in four years AND became your flat-mate? He had to live in the same home, knowing you were (presumably) having sex with other guys — and STILL, he held out for you? Is this a HOAX? This doesn’t sound like a good start for a marriage, anyway.

Assuming this scenario is all true, the Ex proposed because he sensed that you were vulnerable — bad breakup, plus hitting the dreaded 30. Is that love? No, it’s capitalizing on FEAR. And if he was that encouraged after 4 long years, you must have been giving out signals that you were still open. Is that love? No, that’s a CONTROL TRIP. Again, not the best foundation for a happy marriage.

If statistically 50% of all American marriages fail, what do you think your odds are if you are just getting hitched out of convenience?
Have you ever been privy to divorce mediation or litigation? I have. It’s damned common to watch one spouse yell “no fair!” (or worse) when dividing the marital property. Oh, and then there’s the oft-seen scenario when one spouse airs out the dirty laundry, while the other one says, “You see why I had to get out?” Really uncomfortable. How many times have I seen Wife point at Husband and say, “I RUINED my body to bear your child(ren), so you OWE me (fill in the blank).” Oh, loads. And then there’s the children who may feel compelled to take sides; who may start taking antidepressants or street drugs; and who hate the shit out of you for making them move to a new school zone. All your court filings become part of the public record (hello, identity theft risk!) And for all this, you’re probably shelling out upwards of $200 per hour to your attorney. Ouch!

For a marriage to not come to this end, you both have to WANT to be in it and really work together at it. And damn if you didn’t say about 10 times that you really don’t want it.

2) The hard way, which is a commitment to several years of personal and emotional growth without the ex-bf. It sounds very much like Confused needs to be single for a bit, find herself, become more secure, confident, self-loving, and mature. If she’s an attractive woman, which she says she is, this is the better route. The risk is that the adoring ex-bf will find someone else. Also, 30 really isn’t that old. There are plenty of 30ish single women out there doing great.

It sounds to me like they both need to do some growing. Why would the ex-bf propose even though they aren’t dating? That’s ridiculous. You want to approach marriage from a position of emotional health and security, not out of neediness.