Comments on: My Unattractive Best Friend Is Completely Shallow! How Do I Help Him?

By: Karl R

Karl R — Tue, 08 May 2012 16:13:09 +0000

Joe asked: (#81) "Karl R, if you’ve never had your IQ tested, how can you know you are in the top 1% in intelligence?" It's where I routinely tested on other standardized tests.

By: Joe

Joe — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:13:23 +0000

Just reading old posts here…

Karl R, if you’ve never had your IQ tested, how can you know you are in the top 1% in intelligence? Are you using some other kind of measure, or are you from Lake Wobegon?

By: downtowngal

downtowngal — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:36:05 +0000

vlh I totally agree. But I don’t think the issue is weight in of itself; in your cousin’s case, losing weight helped him realize he person inside aned boosted his self-esteem, which is great.

If Dan loses weight it may not have the same result, but I agree that by working on himself in a way that would boost his esteem levels (new sport, hobby, training for a running event for charity, or whatever) would be a big plus.

I knew this guy once who always complained the women he kept meeting were mean and bitchy, and he was such a great guy w a heart of gold. Truth be told, he always went after the mean girls, then broke up w them after 6 months, but whenever he met someone who was a better match for him, he’d end up sabotaging the relationship and getting dumped.

By: vlh

vlh — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:57:22 +0000

It sounds like Dan suffers from self-esteem issues. My 2nd cousin always dated (and twice married) women who treated him very badly. He also struggled with his weight since childhood. Then, a couple of years ago, he had gastric bypass surgery. His marriage ended, but he got full custody of his kids and has since started seeing a woman who treats him very well. He also gets lots of positive feedback and attention from the ladies where he works, and I’m sure this has done wonders for his self-confidence. My cousin was always the nicest guy in the world, with maybe a little too much faith in the goodness of others. He was down on himself b/c of his weight so he attracted the kinds of women that deep down he felt he deserved (i.e. women who treated him badly, abandoned him, were abusive to his kids, etc). Losing the weight resolved a lot of his self-esteem issues, and I think that would really work for Dan as well. Dan is clearly going after women he already knows deep down will reject him. Why? Because deep down he feels he deserves to be rejected!!! Get Dan to deal with his obesity, and work on himself a bit. This would be so much better than just railing at him to pick uglier women. Sorry to be blunt, but I think this isn’t about Dan’s market value in the dating world, it’s about his psychological issues. And as Karl pointed out: it depends which market he’s in. There isn’t just one monolithic dating market (unless you mean the online market). There are many “niche” markets in the “real world” (i.e. offline) where Dan could realistically be more competitive. Encourage him to take a yoga class, and/or join a gym that is coed but has a higher ratio of female members to male.

By: elaine benes

elaine benes — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:20:51 +0000

@ evan -

maybe the dingo ate your baby.

By: downtowngal

downtowngal — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 02:31:37 +0000

I think the real issue is that Dan is afraid of being in a relationship so he places roadblocks. He’s done it for so long that he’s settled into his comfort zone. It’s not a matter of facing up to being a “3″ or anything…it’s having unrealistic expectations of what a relationship truly is. As a result he’ll never be happy because he’s not giving himself a chance.

I’ve seen overweight people be in happy relationships with skinny folks of either gender…this shouldn’t be a discussionn of 3′s trying to date 8+’s, it should be one about Dan getting his act together.

By: hunter

hunter — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 05:11:03 +0000

I was told, that a woman loses her figure, intentionally, simply because, she gets tired of dealing with all the different personalities she attracts.

By: Eda

Eda — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:15:48 +0000

Congrats on your weight loss too, Steve.

In my post I was actually referring to your response to John, the man who told his overweight female friend that she needed to lose weight. That’s why I said who needs to tell an overweight woman that she should lose weight. You responded by indicating that people should invite more constructive feedback from others.

I agree that women don’t own the pain of being overweight, but I think the penalties for women for being overweight are greater than they are for men.

By: Steve

Steve — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:14:45 +0000

Jeff, if you are still reading the comments, I think Selena’s post #15 has the second best advice given so far. Once Dan is convinced he has to move under his own power having him read this blog and other related dating books/materials will give him the reality checks that he needs.

By: Steve

Steve — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:10:56 +0000

@Lance, post #67 reminds of the adage that the best way to begin attracting someone good into your life is to get your own life in order, for yourself, first. That and the other adage, that people tend to attract what they are. People with stuff happening in their lives tend to find/attract people with stuff happening in their lives.