May12

Newsflash: Older Men Don’t Want Women Their Own Age

06:05 am on May 12th 2009 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

70 Comments »Filed Under Evan's Press

70 Responses to “Newsflash: Older Men Don’t Want Women Their Own Age”

1. Melissa May 12th 2009 at 07:34 am 1

   It was a quick segment… but I liked it. Wow, 3:30am! Crazy! ha, ha.

   Is the whole “fibbing your age” thing a blanket recommendation or just for women/men who may want to start a family again or who feel they are being wrongly discriminated against because of their age?

   I mean… I guess I’m okay with “weeding out” the guys who want to have babies. It’s a joint decision, but I’m okay with only communicating with the men who feel they don’t want children or have kids and don’t want anymore. Sure, if I fall in love with someone whose hell bent on having his own kid, I wouldn’t squash his dream… but I’m truly okay with being done in the kid department too, so I could go either way.

   And, since not getting enough emails or not having enough men to date has never been a problem, are there any advantages to knocking my age down 5 years, since everyone thinks I look 32 anyways? I don’t know… I’m open to it if I saw advantages, but I guess I feel by keeping my age as much to the truth as possible, I’m weeding out ones who could be a potential problem anyways.

   Curious.

2. Cilla May 12th 2009 at 08:42 am 2

   I find most older men, unless they want to have kids or are just emerging from a bitter divorce, don’t care if the women they date are their age–as long as they don’t look it.

   I’m 47 and often told I look about 10 years younger. When I go to events at my son’s high school and look at the other moms, I can see why: married or single, they’ve let themselves go. Short hair, gray hair, dowdy clothing–most of these women look *older* than their actual ages. A style makeover with a little hair color and a youthful attitude can go a long way.

   I’m currently dating someone who is 52, although within the last year I’ve dated men as young as 27. It seems that regardless of age, it’s the total package that counts. All men want a woman who is nice to look at in their eyes–it’s not enough to just have the cerebral qualities that take up so much space on those online dating profiles. While there will always be older men who insist on dating 20 somethings, there are plenty who are willing to date in their own age bracket provided they find a woman attractive enough.

3. $Francisco May 12th 2009 at 10:19 am 3

   I thought it was funny that one of Evan’s clients who railed against lying about their age lied in her own online profile without even remembering that she had! It makes one wonder whether someone lies so much about a particular aspect about themselves that they end up believing the lie.

   There are ways to tell a lie in order to widen your dating pool of people who are compatible in other ways but after a while it’s just plain deception; especially if there’s nothing else in common. Personally, I don’t mind women who fudge their age in their bio but come clean in their profile. It makes perfect sense marketing wise and it does show a lot of character.

4. deannie May 12th 2009 at 10:20 am 4

   What fun! Evan, I like your hair better as depicted in the masthead. Just saying…

5. Evan Marc Katz May 12th 2009 at 10:28 am 5

   I put some gunk in it to tame the frizz, and, well, I looked like a wet poodle. Hey, some women like that…

6. Steve May 12th 2009 at 10:45 am 6

   Evan, can you get a video clip of your segment and put it on your site?

7. Steve May 12th 2009 at 10:53 am 7

   I’m 43, I have no problem dating a woman up to 5 years older than I am and I actually prefer women my own age.

   I find them to be more fun to talk to and a whole lot less drama.

   The downsides are that many of them, like many men in the same age group, let themselves go. Also, like many men in the same age group they have let the battle of the sexes give them bitter attitudes about the other sex. Many of them have also forgot how to have fun on a date. If they aren’t giving you a “job interview” with an agenda of questions ( ready to disqualify you at any answer slightly off program ) then they are rushing off to the next item on their perpetually tight schedules.

8. Ava May 12th 2009 at 11:05 am 8

   I’ve only started lying about my age (or choosing not to reveal it) as I’ve gotten older. I never reveal my age in the workplace, and I haven’t revealed it to men I’ve met outside of cyber-space. I’ve found that many men have preconceived ideas about what a woman of a certain age looks like. I’m constantly told I don’t look my age, but guess what, I am that age! I’ve lied about my age by a few years and the men had no idea. I really don’t look my age (does anyone think they do?), so no one seems to guess. I’ve actually found that men lie about their ages (and their height) quite a bit, but as Evan said, it’s so they can date much younger women. Even men who don’t want kids lie. I just want to stay in the game with men around my own age.

   I’ve also found that the same men who are knocking 10-15 years off are posting pictures 5-15 years older as well. I’m very careful to make sure any photos are recent. I’ve also found that younger men are ok with dating an older woman, but middle-aged + men are not. (It was interesting to see the three men tripping over themselves on that!) As Leslie from More says, ideally no one would need to lie, and of course, it’s easy enough to find out if someone is lying, but there is so much age-prejudice out there. Everyone makes a big deal about lying, but no one wants to confront their own age-bias. It’s a bit of a vicious circle, but I liked what Evan said about “fighting it from the inside”.

9. Steve May 12th 2009 at 11:17 am 9

   @Cillia, post #2.

   Cillia;

   There are sexy and short hairstyles for women.

   Having written that, if I was a woman who wanted to make sure that she never got male attention I would get a short, utilitarian “man cut”. Aside from large amounts of excess weight few things will stamp “matronly”, “boring”, “un-vital” across a woman’s appearance more.

   I realize I may be offending people by writing that, but offense is not my intent.

10. Marc May 12th 2009 at 11:36 am 10

    Many women are as guilty of the ageism of which they so frequently accuse men.

    From a woman’s actual profile:

    “I am 41 years of age….and I am TIRED of 54 year old men writing to me! That is why I listed my age younger.”

    Even if one were to respect the fact that she’s coming clean about her real age in her profile, why would a guy want to give her a chance with that type of attitude?

    Marc´s last blog post…My Cell Phone Would Never Get Laid

11. Danielle May 12th 2009 at 11:43 am 11

    I totally understand!!! I am not interested in dating older men! There are few men my own age I am willing to date. In fact I may start “lying” about my age so that I will fall into a different age-search range. I am 52 but I really don’t look it and people are surprised to find out that I am not early 40’s. I once was married to a man 10 years older than myself and when some relationship problems arose the deciding factor for me to leave was the age. I decided in my late 30’s that I was not interested in a man closer to 50! I am meeting a lot of men who are 49-52 and have young children with an average age of 7. Their Ex’s were quite a bit younger and went through their own mid life crisis. Like I said when it comes to what women and men want well we all want the same things, and we go through the same things. I had a long term relationship with a man 10 years younger and when problems began well I wasn’t interested in working things out and going through his mid life crisis! Age again was a major factor! Right now I am having the best time of my life and these are the best years I hope to share them with a man my age or with in 3 years. I prefer younger by 2-3 years but only because you guys just age faster than women and when I find him well I would like him around for as long as possible!

12. searchingwithin May 12th 2009 at 12:45 pm 12

    I hated it when I turned 30, so I stayed 29 for quite some time. It was mostly to fool myself, not others.

    I was talking to a woman one day who stated, she always says she is older than she is, so people will carry on about how good she looks for her age.

    searchingwithin´s last blog post…The Casual Sex Debate – Couldn’t Help But Add My Two Cents

13. Steve May 12th 2009 at 01:28 pm 13

    The hypocrisy about ageism is just flying in all directions between these two threads isn’t it? For anyone feeling slighted, take comfort in the fact that everyone writing is/will be
    old/older to the point of being disqualified as worthy. That will only be made harder as their ageist beliefs backfire on them as they are forced to negatively evaluate themselves.

14. Cilla May 12th 2009 at 02:46 pm 14

    @ Steve (Post #9)

    I agree, there are lots of pretty short haircuts for women, and there are celebrities like Natalie Portman, Sharon Stone, and Halle Berry who have worn their hair short and look great.
    Unfortunately, most of the short styles I see are on women who have that “I give up” vibe you also touched on. A short gamine cut somehow eludes them (I’m sure choice of hair stylist plays a part in this), and they resort to “practical” cuts to go with their mom jeans and mannish shoes.

    Also, I’m sure there are plenty of men who like short hair, when styled in a feminine way, although to be frank, most of the men I know (and those whose dating profiles I’ve viewed) prefer long hair. Call it neanderthal, call it sexist–that just seems to be the way it is. If most men prefer long hair, and a woman wants to be competitive on the dating scene, it makes sense that she would hedge her bets by choosing a length most likely to be desired by men. If a woman looks better in short hair, she will have to face the fact that some men will dismiss her based on hair length alone–shallow, but true.

15. casualencounters.com/blog May 12th 2009 at 03:10 pm 15

    @Steve-the-hugely-offensive-guy

    I’ve been told the reason women of a certain age get “man-cuts” is a) pragmatic concerns related to child-rearing and b) to soften the focus on their features as they age – long hair on an older woman can make them look “witchy”.

    Of course I think it’s all bollocks and women really just do it because they hate themselves and want to ensure that no men on Earth will ever find them attractive or interesting again.

    casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…A perfect fake PENISTRON

16. JerseyGirl May 12th 2009 at 03:21 pm 16

    I agree with Evan on this. Lets be honest, we don’t all lay our cards out on the table for our first dates. We don’t tell our dates about that time we got drunk and puked all over the cab, or how we have a little debt, or how we lost money in the stock market, forgot birthday’s or families or friends or didn’t tip the waiter a full 20% even if he did a agreat job, how we like to drink a little too much on Friday or gamble a little much on Saturday. I don’t advocate lying but I think it’s a little holy roller to say that omitting ones age or not being completely upfront about it is so horrible and makes that person a liar and only a liar. People are so much more multi-faceted for that. Frankly, I am young and don’t need to lie about my age but if I am still single as I get older, I probably will because men kind of rather suck on the age thing and even if men are 40s they think they are entitle to women 10-15 years younger.

17. Lucy May 12th 2009 at 04:39 pm 17

    I agree the whole “I look/ have been told I look younger than am” is often true simply because of the choice of clothing, hairstyle and attitude. For both men and women. The grunge look does not work well for the middle aged. And attractive clothing IS available for those sporting extra pounds, not just sweats & “mom jeans”. Longer hair can work for women in their 40’s-50’s, but it needs to be colored and styled, not just hanging down grey and grizzly.

    Recently I saw the movie “I’m Not Your Woman” on HBO with a (then) 49 yr. old Michelle Pfieffer in the lead role about among other things, a woman fighting aging. She looks GREAT and her awesome bone structure aside, you can easily mistake her for younger because of the choice of wardrobe, hair, attention to fitness, and most of all, her character’s “young-ish” projection of herself. Not all of us can pull it off in the looks department like Michelle, but humor, positive attitude, a sense of FUN, and a zest in expressing ourselves can break down the stereotypes of what 40-50-60 something “looks like” for both genders.

    I don’t lie about my age (so far lol!), but I haven’t tried internet dating sites either; sounds rather depressing for people over 35. Seems to me, if someone is greatly upset to find out their date lied about their age after spending time getting to know them…then they weren’t bowled over by that person’s personality and looks anyway so what difference does it make? They can use lying as the excuse, but isn’t it really something else? I wonder what kind of world it would be if no one ever knew what anyone’s age was, including their own. What would the criteria be then?

18. Eathan May 12th 2009 at 07:43 pm 18

    I date women older and younger. I’m in the 30’s and can get away with it. I have my limits because I’m not trying to get to far out of my visual expectations.

    But if a woman lies about her age.. I won’t go out with her again.

    @Cilla Yes I only date women with shoulder length hair or longer…I’m not into short hair at all. Could be a Texas thing. And since Halle Berry isn’t knocking on my door..

    Eathan´s last blog post…Alpha Boy – Mother’s Day Edition

19. Steve May 13th 2009 at 06:19 am 19

    @casualencounters, post #15

    I had hair down to my shoulders for a number of years so I can understand not wanting to take care of it while I had to take care of a new baby. I do agree with you because having been there I don’t think it is that much of a time drain or inconvenience.

    About your other point, a good chunk of the fashion industry is driven by gay men. That is why models look like cross dressing teenage boys. If a woman wants to bag a gay man she should listen to their advice.

    Wrinkles are a pretty visible thing, a hair style will not them invisible. Hairstyles are also highly visible. To me, even as a child a short “man cut” hair cut on a woman meant to me that her “days were over”. She was now neutered.

    FWIW, I have seen women with well tended long gray hair who wore youthful ( but appropriate ) fashions. I will not lie, they were out of my age range, but they looked far more appealing to me than the women doing the Mrs Brady/Gertrude Stein look.

20. Steve May 13th 2009 at 06:23 am 20

    @Cillia, post #14

    Have you ever noticed that women who look sexy with short haircuts make it point to play up femininity in other aspects of their appearance? They wear sexy clothing that flatters their bodies and it is obvious they were make up. Their short hair cuts are also not “man cuts”. Their hair is highlighted in some way, kinked and styled.

21. JB May 13th 2009 at 07:15 am 21

    What Eathan above really means is “if a woman lies about her age.. I won’t go out with her again” UNLESS SHE’S H O T …LOL

    At 48 I don’t really age discriminate. I put 45 in my profile for obvious reasons and I never get questioned.I generally go out with women 38-55. But let’s face it…..I play tennis,go rollerblading,bike riding,health club 4 times a week and have a healthy sex drive. Not to mention out dancing 2 or 3 times a week at night. I’m NOT a couch potato . A lot(not all) of women in their 50’s can hardly keep up on any level. To many of them “exercise” is “taking a walk”….. and normal sex is once every 2 weeks.
    Just my experience

22. Karl R May 13th 2009 at 07:46 am 22

    JerseyGirl said: (#16)
    “Lets be honest, we don’t all lay our cards out on the table for our first dates.”

    I think a woman should find out my good points at the same rate she finds out my bad points (and vice versa). And first dates aren’t long enough for all that information to come out. I’ll discuss all of that during the first few months.

    Evan said:
    “There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination.”

    I agree, but it’s easy to get on a slippery slope from there. If it’s okay for a woman (or man) to lie about her age, is it okay for someone to lie about something else?

    What if I lie about my education? I could say I have a bachelor’s degree instead of “some college”. People don’t guess the truth unless I tell them. My dating pool on Match.com would quadruple if I said I had a degree.

    For those women and men who have lied about their age, do you think it’s okay for me to lie about my education?

    What if someone lies about their marital status and says they’re divorced when they’re only separated? Almost everyone on Match.com excludes people who are separated.

    I’m sure a lot of people will say that certain lies matter more than other lies. I agree completely. However, how much of our decisions about which lies matter boil down to this: “The lies I tell don’t matter. The lies that other people tell do matter.” Doesn’t it stand to reason that the “other people” believe that their lies don’t matter, while yours do?

    I expect people to lie. But trust is a crucial element in a relationship. I’m not going to sabotage the trust in a relationship before it even begins by lying to a woman up front.

23. Lance May 13th 2009 at 08:34 am 23

    I see listed age as an issue only because of the way searches are set up on match. Basically, it’s one of the first criteria, along with height/weight. If you want to appeal to a different crowd, I wouldn’t having a problem listing a different age and then describing what I was doing in the profile. For me, it’s just gaming the system. Guess what else? Girls aren’t punching in guys who are “short” either, so bumping yourself up a few inches to show up in more searches is perfectly fair IMO.

    For me the pics and intelligence of the profile gets you in the door, and then how well the initial email convo goes. Lying about age means nothing to me.

    Lance´s last blog post…Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

24. Lance May 13th 2009 at 08:36 am 24

    Also, I would definitely date older chicks, probably even up to 10 years older than me.

    Lance´s last blog post…Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

25. LK May 13th 2009 at 09:26 am 25

    Lance said: “Girls aren’t punching in guys who are “short” either, so bumping yourself up a few inches to show up in more searches is perfectly fair IMO.”

    And this is why I add a couple inches to my “minimum” when I do a search. It annoys me that I have to do this.

26. Robyn May 13th 2009 at 09:38 am 26

    Ageism occurs in many situations, unfortunately. And it ain’t going away anytime soon…. So we have to kinda work with it, work around it etc.
    “Fudging” your age by a couple of years (1-5) is not that “bad” IMHO. When the “fudge factor” becomes closer to 10 years (or even more), I do get rather wary though.

    Funnily enough, the one situation where I used to keep VERY quiet about my age was when I graduated from college & was starting out in business. I was still a teenager (19) and most of my colleagues at the same level as I was were several years older (23-28).
    Luckily I looked/appeared older/mature so no one ever questioned my age. But if I was asked I would reply honestly (just not too loudly). I had already had one manager remark “Oh, so you’re that teenager that we just employed” which was kinda amusing, but I didn’t want to be typecast, y’know.

27. Lance May 13th 2009 at 10:22 am 27

    @LK: It annoys short guys that they get selected out of searches by chicks like yourself. It’s all fair in my opinion and that’s the game with online dating sites.

    Lance´s last blog post…Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

28. Jennifer May 13th 2009 at 10:40 am 28

    @Karl R #22- Very well said.

29. casualencounters.com/blog May 13th 2009 at 03:03 pm 29

    @Steve

    I certainly think there’s something in the fact that women are basically told how to look and dress by gay men.

    casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Craigslist says it will drop ‘erotic services’ ads

30. Cilla May 13th 2009 at 03:10 pm 30

    @ Steve

    Yes, I think we are in agreement: to pull off a short haircut, the cut needs to be good, and a woman really should have a feminine style of dress and a good body–of course easier if you are a celebrity.

    @casual

    I think the whole idea of cutting one’s hair to make life easier is bunk. I did that when my son was little, and it was actually much more time consuming having short hair. I had to have it cut more often to look good. I had to wash it every day. I woke up with wacky bed hair and could never go anywhere without at least wetting it down. With long hair, I can wash it every couple of days most of the year, and when I need to go somewhere in a hurry first thing in the morning, I can throw it in a ponytail. I can go much longer between cuts. I think you’re right–there is a component of giving up or surrendering one’s sexual self that many women buy into once they have children. I think it’s related to loss of identity and lowering of self-esteem.

    Long hair can look witchy on a woman if she just grows it out without any layering or styling, if she lets it get too long, or if she doesn’t bother coloring it or blowing it out. I agree with Nora Ephron that a bottle of hair color is the single greatest anti-aging product a woman can buy. Very few women can rock the Emmylou Harris look (although I don’t think she cares about looking a certain age as much as making a visual statement). She has long grey hair, but styles it and wears hip clothing. It wouldn’t necessarily be my choice, but it works for someone artistic like her. Grey and grizzled is icky on everyone. I see sooooo much of that here in the upper midwest–women with that “I don’t need to spend time or money on that because I’m a middle aged married woman” attitude.

    @LK

    LOL–I do the same thing: I set my height minimum at 5′8″, realizing that’s actually 5′6″ most of the time. If I put 5′6″ in, I’d be getting emails from guys who are 5′3″ and 5′4″–a little too short even for me at 5′3″.

    @JB

    I see just as many men in their 50’s who think a once-a-week softball game is exercise and who physically can’t have sex more than every week or two, even if they’re interested in it. It works both ways.

31. dadshouse May 13th 2009 at 03:11 pm 31

    I’m truthful on dating profiles, and ever since I hit my 40s, it has killed my game! That said, if I’m just trying to hook up casually, I have no problem lying and saying I’m 39. I’m in shape, and look young. Women just want a guy they perceive to be “virile”. And over 40s for some women is not virile, no matter the guy’s true health.

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Hot Dad – Sexy or Old?

32. mistechal May 13th 2009 at 03:30 pm 32

    I could say that I was 10 years younger than I actually am, and no one would know. Trouble is, if I do meet the partner of my dreams, I don’t want to have to explain to him that I lied to him. That’s why I am honest about my age.
    On the other hand, I met and fell quite in love with a fellow last year, who was 4 years younger. ( I’m 55) I met him at a charity event, but if it were a dating site, he might have filtered for women younger than himself. We would have never met ! I feel that dating sites shouldn’t ask for one’s age, but age range, in 10 year increments for those over 35. That would possibly cut down on some of the ageist filters.

33. Jennifer May 13th 2009 at 05:58 pm 33

    @Mistechal #32 I think your post presents an excellent argument for meeting people in venues other than online- age isn’t the first thing you see. Online should be one way to meet people, not the only way. If people regularly exercised their other options for getting dates, they would have less time to spend raging against the problems with online dating- they’d simply stop doing it if it doesn’t work for them. Which in my mind makes more sense than trying to figure out what to lie about to *force* it to work.

    I don’t agree though that people not wanting to date people of a certain age is ‘ageist’ – we are talking about dating, something very individual and personal, not job discrimination. No one has to give anyone with (insert whatever characteristic here) a chance to get in their pants if they don’t want to and, to me, that’s more than reasonable and alright

34. Karl R May 14th 2009 at 06:04 am 34

    Jennifer said: (#33)
    “I don’t agree though that people not wanting to date people of a certain age is ‘ageist’ – we are talking about dating, something very individual and personal,”

    A couple years ago I was chatting with Curtis, an acquaintance of mine. Curtis is in his 60s, but looks like he’s in his 80s (due to heavy smoking, no exercise and a lot of time in the sun). I had recently been on a date with Sally (she was 24 years old, I was 37). I mentioned to Curtis that I wouldn’t be going out with Sally again because thought she was “too young”.

    Curtis: “I’m open to dating women of different ages.”
    Me: “Like what?”
    Curtis: “Women in their 30s and 40s. Hell, I’d be open to dating Sally.”
    Karl: “Would you date a woman in her 70s or 80s?”
    Curtis: “HELL NO !!”

    So Curtis is open to dating women of “different ages” … provided that difference is a lot younger than him.

    I start thinking someone is a bit “ageist” if they’re opposed to dating people their own age.

35. Angela May 14th 2009 at 10:00 am 35

    I am 51 years young. I have no wrinkles, am 5′6″ and wear a size 4-6 and look much younger. Great genes and lots of melanin really helps. I was carded until I was 34. Online I have my real age and am amazed at the guys that are 5-10 years younger that look so old!!! The older men that do look younger go after the younger women. In person, I am always approched by much younger men that do not know my age. If I had to do it all over again, online I would have taken off a10 years. I am suure more guys would approach me. I get many emails aking how old are my pictures and they are less than 6 months.

36. Cilla May 14th 2009 at 10:18 am 36

    @ Angela

    You could always do as a previous poster suggested and put a fake age in the searchable part of your profile and reveal your real age in the narrative section.

37. Ruby May 14th 2009 at 10:48 am 37

    @JB

    Viagra anyone? Most of the men I and my friends have dated over 40/45 have had problems with sexual performance. I’m over 45 and do not! Maybe they should put that fact in their profiles!

38. JB May 14th 2009 at 01:22 pm 38

    He he he ..Ruby…Don’t hold your breath for guys to start putting in their profile that they use the “little blue football”(aka Viag,Cialis,err..any other performance enhancing pharmacutical) to score touchdowns. Many men of ALL different ages use it and the women never know….lol too bad

    What’s next ? Women putting in their profiles that they’re going through Menopause?? …lol yeah right.

39. mistechal May 14th 2009 at 01:55 pm 39

    I feel that if I see a fellow that I might be attracted to on a dating site, and he has stipulated that he is only interested in younger women, I could always contact him myself. After all, it’s not like it’s only the men who are in control of who contacts who.
    The thing is, I don’t want to meet a man who is 50, but has narrowed his criteria by age. If he is that devolved, then I don’t care to know him anyways. I want someone who is at least as mature as I am, and that, sometimes has nothing to do with one’s age.

40. Angela May 14th 2009 at 03:42 pm 40

    I may adjust my age, but now it seems too late. The interesting thing is that now so many young guys are into thre whole cougar thing. I had a guy my age (51) who looked 75 proposition me. Hell, if I am just looking for sex, I will go with the 25 year old and go to the moutain top!!!!! I get approached by a lot guys 25-35, but since I am looking for a longterm relationship I beg off but thank them for the compliment!

41. Cilla May 14th 2009 at 05:34 pm 41

    @ Angela

    I hear ya–I’m 47 and I dated two guys in their 20’s last summer–strictly fun, but you’re right, it is the mountain top. I actually got hit on by a 23-year-old, but since my son is 17, I declined.

    I also have a ton of older guys (who look even older) emailing me. As I wrote in a previous post, “I’m not dating Gandalf, Santa, or the guy holding the pitchfork in ‘American Gothic.’” LOL

    Currently dating a 52-year-old and we seem well matched, age wise, among other things.

42. Curly Girl May 15th 2009 at 06:56 pm 42

    Lying about your age is never a good idea. You can find out anyone’s age online if that person was born in the U.S., has a drivers license, bought real estate, etc. It doesn’t cost anything. And once you have the evidence of a lie staring you in the face it’s hard to think well of that person.

    Won’t tell you how to do it, but it’s very, very easy if you know the sites.

43. Curly Girl May 15th 2009 at 07:20 pm 43

    Also, not a good idea to lie about your education. Places I’ve worked will call the school to verify the degree, as will employment agencies. I’ve had to do it as part of a screening process for job candidates. Not all places do, but you don’t want to get caught doing that. Will ruin your reputation.

    And just because everyone is putting in their dating stats: Currently seeing a guy 1 1/2 years younger. And my hair is naturally curly–shoulder length when wet, shorter when dry (because of the curls). Growing it out, though, to be more alluring. Never know when dowdy and matronly will kick in, so best to head it off at the pass!

    The guy I’m seeing has straight, blond guy hair. He is ultra cute.

    We don’t do online dating, so no need to lie about stats. He always downplays his credentials, though, if he thinks they might intimidate someone (he’s pretty much a brainiac). This surprised me at first. I’m so used to people inflating their personal and professional resumes.

    Isn’t it amazing when you find out that a person is actually MORE than he or she admits at first?

    He really is great. I must have done something right in a past life…

44. Michael May 16th 2009 at 10:06 am 44

    I feel that dating sites shouldn’t ask for one’s age, but age range, in 10 year increments for those over 35. That would possibly cut down on some of the ageist filters.
    That would not be useful to me.

    I want a woman who is of a specific age (my own).

45. mistechal May 16th 2009 at 04:56 pm 45

    Ah, my, ..
    don’t you see? That years are merely a chronological event? 40 is 40, for some people , but some 40 year olds are 65, yet others are 25. I am not speaking about the physical. Yeah, like everyone else , and her sister… I look good for my age. Good genes, and a really good plastic surgeon. I get turned down by people my own age , because I am a little ‘ out there’ . My thoughts and outlook are fairly immature, my tastes in music and culture, do not ‘fit’ with my age group, whom are just beginning to go to ‘live theater’ and the abysmal tripe that is foisted upon us in the flexible name of ‘culture’. But they try to ‘fit in’ and pretend to like it. ( oh lord deliver us from ‘ Dirty Dancing” ) See, my point is, your exact age means nothing. I would probably find you boring as watching paint dry. But I do Know some 50 yr olds who could run rings around you both sexually, and intellectually.

46. mistechal May 16th 2009 at 05:08 pm 46

    P.S.

    ( to Angela… my gosh… I love your thinking ! What a brilliant woman. If guys our age are only looking for a sexual relationship, then why the hell not just go for the guys in their 20’s who are up front about it. At least they still are in good condition, care about personal hygiene, will be impressed as hell about my Jag convertible, and not pester me in the morning about when I can see them again. ! Angela , you are SO right ! Why oh why do I get myself tied up in knots over some pot bellied old guy, who just wants a toss in the hay, when a young guy will treat me with kindness, and be sweet and caring , if it is just for the same end result. Rather go for the young guy, instead of the guy I just ended the relationship with who kept apologizing every time he couldn’t keep an erection unless I gave him a BJ. His constant refrain was…. you are so patient… no other women would put up with this. …. I kept my thoughts to myself, but wondered why he was so afraid of the little blue pills.

47. LK May 17th 2009 at 07:56 am 47

    Lance said: “@LK: It annoys short guys that they get selected out of searches by chicks like yourself. It’s all fair in my opinion and that’s the game with online dating sites.”

    My point is simply that my preferences exist for a reason. They’re not going to change just because I meet someone once in person for a casual coffee date. All liars are doing is wasting my time. They are not helping their cause.

    For the record, I don’t lie about anything on my profile.

48. Angela May 17th 2009 at 10:39 am 48

    Mishtechal,
    I did have a brief relationship with a guy 29. The sex was good and he was smart and good conversationalist and we had fun. The ironic thing was that I initially had a problem with his age and then he later had a problem with mine. Reason, he wanted kids and I was done in that department. We both didn’t see anything longterm in our relationship so we parted. We remain friends. Since then I have been looking for guys closer to my age . But you know those 4 months were really nice and I may decide to have another brief relationship with a much younger guy. Life is too short and tomorrow is not promised !!!!

49. Angela May 17th 2009 at 07:51 pm 49

    Cilla,
    “I’m not dating Gandalf, Santa, or the guy holding the pitchfork in ‘American Gothic.’” LOL YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!!!!!
    I agree that guys 45-55 will date a woman their age if she looks good and not old, but online it is a different story. People are looking for the perefect person,via picture and profile and in my experience it has been very misleading. The essence of person can only be felt in person. Its so one dimensional. What these online websites really need to do is to have monthly meet ups. So people can meet in person in mass!

50. Joe May 18th 2009 at 06:31 pm 50

    So in essence, it’s not the years, it’s the mileage?

    IMO, if you lie in your online profile statistics (age, education, height, whatever), you absolutely have to come clean in your essay/text portion. The person you may end up dating is gonna find out at some point, and do you really want that person ending up feeling that the way you met was based on a lie?

51. Barbara May 22nd 2009 at 09:03 am 51

    I’m 50 and out there dating. I also have great ab definition and keep my body in great shape. I work out about 45-90 minutes EVERY day and it is worth it just for the ego boost it gives me. I’m also currently training for my fourth marathon. My hair is long, I keep it colored and in good condition, and I still wear (tasteful) above-the-knee skirts and get whistles and comments in the street. I’m not sure age is so important anymore. I look at pictures of my mom when she was 50 (unhappily married and saddled with 3 teenagers at the time) and it seems like times have changed and folks are aging better, taking better care of themselves, and because so many of us are single in the upper age groups, we are more cognizant we have to keep ourselves “maintained.” I’m starting to get some crow’s feet, and it doesn’t bother me. My dating profile gets loads of responses, and I’m having a ball with these guys! And I’ve had all age ranges responding – guys in their early 30s up to men in their mid-60s.

52. Barbara May 24th 2009 at 08:41 am 52

    I agree with the above poster that men lie regularly about their height in their profiles. Guys, get a friend to hold a ruler at the top of your head and mark the wall! It’s not rocket science! I’m 5′8 and I’m going to know if a guy tells me he is 5′10 because in heels I’m going to be taller than he is. Generally, a guy saying he is 5′10 means he’s about 5′6 or 5′7, if that. If they say they are 6 feet, they are usually 5′9 to 5′10. It’s a shame, really, because many many women aren’t going to mind the height thing.

53. JB May 24th 2009 at 11:26 am 53

    It IS a shame Barb because just as many women DO care about a man’s height. God forbid a woman who’s 5′8″ is seen with a guy who’s 5′9″ ……YIKES !!! I think it’s funny that all the sites have exact numbers for “height” but NOT weight where women tend to lie the most….lol

54. Barbara May 24th 2009 at 04:27 pm 54

    Sorry, “JB,” but I never said that I wasn’t into guys my height or shorter. I just said my experience is that they are lying about their height. For the record, I don’t lie about anything in my profile. If a guy doesn’t like my height or weight, it’s not my problem – it’s his. ) I had a guy tell me in an email he was 6′1. When we got together, I was wearing flats, and we were the same height. That’s pathetic. He literally lopped 5 inches off his height – for what reason? Did he honestly think women won’t notice? What kind of magical thinking is that? I’m actually just about 1 inch taller than the average woman, so I doubt they are lying only to me about it. Just give me the facts so I have a fighting chance of evaluating you based on the evidence. And, use the ruler method, “JB.” It really does work!

55. Barbara May 24th 2009 at 04:28 pm 55

    N.B.: He added 5 inches to his height. (

56. JerseyGirl May 26th 2009 at 05:57 pm 56

    “Ah, my, ..
    don’t you see? That years are merely a chronological event? 40 is 40, for some people , but some 40 year olds are 65, yet others are 25.”
    ————————————————————————–

    While this is true, I am alway turned off by men that try to sell themselves with liners like “I am young at heart”, “I look young for my age”, “I look 35″..or a million other lines that tell me how insecure they are about their own age. While I understand wanting to express that you are still fun and energetic, don’t be so obvious in your attempt. If your 45 and tell me you look 35, why shouldn’t I just go find a 35 year old?

57. Evonda May 27th 2009 at 03:23 am 57

    What I am getting from all this is that the only way to attract a man is through some kind of deceit. If they are all that shallow they are not worth the effort. There is nothing wrong with remaining single for life.

58. JB May 27th 2009 at 03:46 am 58

    @ Jersey “If your 45 and tell me you look 35, why shouldn’t I just go find a 35 year old?”

    Because a “35 yr.old” might not be as emotionally mature as a 45 yr. old or he may be in a totally different place like wanting to start a family etc….. where as a 45 yr. old that looks,acts and feels younger like I do at 48 might not want to start families etc..
    that’s why you might want someone who “looks,acts,and feels younger” but is actually around your own age.

59. LK May 27th 2009 at 04:03 am 59

    JerseyGirl: “While this is true, I am alway turned off by men that try to sell themselves with liners like “I am young at heart”, “I look young for my age”, “I look 35″..or a million other lines that tell me how insecure they are about their own age.” Preach it! I don’t need anyone assessing their own appearance because that is subjective. All they need to do is post an accurate photo, and all that youthful energy should shine through if it’s there!

60. Karl R May 27th 2009 at 09:04 am 60

    JerseyGirl said: (#56)
    “I am alway turned off by men that try to sell themselves with liners like ‘I am young at heart’, ‘I look young for my age’, ‘I look 35′ ..or a million other lines that tell me how insecure they are about their own age.”

    Women do this a lot as well … and frequently enough that it sounds cliche’.

    I used Evan’s advice on this one. I don’t say that I look young for my age. I state how old my pictures are, and let people draw their own conclusions. I don’t tell people that I have a lot of energy. I tell them what I do, and (again) let them draw their own conclusions.

    I’ve noticed another common trend among women (and probably more common among men) who say they’re “young for their age” or something similar. Since they allegedly are 10 years younger than their actual age, they target people 10 years younger than them. I sometimes turn that around and look for women who are several years older than me, but look younger (and are more fit) than the average woman my age.

61. Jennifer May 27th 2009 at 11:01 am 61

    @JB I’m assuming the reason they have exact numbers for height on dating sites and not weight is that height is static (until you are much much older and may lose an inch or so) while weight is more likely to fluctuate. I don’t think it’s a conspiracy against the men

62. Selena May 27th 2009 at 11:19 am 62

    Re:#61

    Weight also has a relationship with how it is distributed: fat, muscle, height. And where: breasts, butt, belly, thighs, face. Different women can weigh the same amount but look completely different depending on how their weight is distributed.

63. Cilla May 27th 2009 at 11:30 am 63

    @Jennifer

    I had a friend who used to say, “My weight is always perfect for my height–which varies.” LOL

64. Angela May 27th 2009 at 11:32 am 64

    JB
    The 5′8″ woman wants to wear her 3 inch heels so at a minimum he must be 5′11” LoL!

    My preference is to date someone near my age who is youthful in many ways. Doesn’t mean they do no look their age but that they carry it well! The reality in this is thatthe shrinking pool of candidates, shrinks further.

65. JB May 27th 2009 at 01:47 pm 65

    But of course Angela but the same 5′8″ woman would have no problem dating a shorter Justin Timberlake,George Clooney,Brad Pitt, etc……______________ <—- fill in your favorite shorter fantasy fella here. ….lol

    I’ve had women with certain height stipulations throw them out the window for my shorter “hottie recon profiles” ie: A woman that’s 5′8″actually showed interest in a 5′9″ “hottie”….lol go figure !!

66. Angela May 27th 2009 at 08:47 pm 66

    JB
    Such is life, There will always be other variables that can influence people to overlook certain things. It can be wealth, notoriety, fame, career, connections …etc. That is why so many ugly, old and short rich men have beautiful wives. Lol On another note, if a person matches up in every other way many people will make an exception. Its the total package. People are subconsciously assessing a value on different traits.

67. Ava May 28th 2009 at 01:42 pm 67

    Just the other day, a guy I’ve recently started dating commented on much much he enjoyed spending time with someone around his own age (mid-late 40’s). He’d dated younger women, but was enjoying the similar points of reference with someone who could relate. I’ve heard this from a number of other men also, that in theory, dating someone more than 10 years younger sounds great and is an ego-boost, but the actual compatibility and maturity of the other person wasn’t so good.

68. jmarie Jun 7th 2009 at 08:36 am 68

    Well, I must be in the minority.
    I prefer men who are two or three inches above my height which is 5′5.
    Also I prefer dating older men, 40-50.
    I’m 35 but told all the time I look 24, 26, 27.
    Course I won’t lie, I am afraid of getting older and have thought about lying about my age. I figure saying 30 would be great because I can no doubt get away with it.
    As conniving as that sounds, I am actually an honest person in every other aspect. I can just understand why women lie about their age now, now that I am beginning to age.
    Men have a preconceived idea of every age of a woman, good and bad.

69. paula Sep 19th 2009 at 05:26 am 69

    I don’t understand the emotionally mature excuse that men use to date younger.  After 30 everyone should be on the same maturity level.  Its fine that you want to date younger cause you don’t like the aging you see on yourself.  Just be honest. 

70. Sara Dec 11th 2009 at 11:04 pm 70

    Personally, I do not like men who lie about their age. I do not and expect men to be honest as well. Of course we don’t share all the info about ourselves before we meet a person (a little scary), but lying is a complete other thing!

    Lying about your age is not a white lie in my book. If you can lie about that, what else can you lie about? I agree everyone does tells white lies, but why start a relationship based on one? 

    My age range is 32-42 and seriously, I do not wish to date anyone that much older. I mean I want to have children and dating a man 16 years older is not appealing. I don’t think that is ageist at all. I was in a  relationship with a man 12 years older (i did make an exception because he e-mailed me, was truthful and I really liked him-he did look much much younger than his age) and really that is my limit.

    Seriously, I just found out a guy I’m going on a date with is 48 yrs old. 16 years older than me and lied saying he is 43. I mean 5 years in this case is pretty significant. I was willing to to the 11 yr diff but 16? come on. this guy has never been married and I doubt he is even interested in that at this point.

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