Am I Being Unfair Not Giving My Phone Number Until I’m Ready?

Am I Being Unfair Not Giving My Phone Number Until I'm Ready?

Hey Evan, I have recently started chatting with someone on a dating site and he keeps asking me for my phone number. He says he doesn’t use the internet much on weekdays, but I’m reluctant to give anyone my phone number until I have chatted with them for a period of time.

Am I being unfair with this expectation of not giving my phone number out and preferring to spend weeks on online chatter? I actually do like this gentleman, which is unusual for me. Thanks in advance for your answer.

Janelle

I figure this is as good a time as any to float a pretty non-controversial theory of how to be successful in dating. Ready?

Okay, so you know what a Venn Diagram looks like, right? Two circles that overlap in one area. Hold that in your mind for one second.

The problem in dating is when you think your circle is the “right” one – even when it doesn’t overlap with anyone else’s circle.

You’re one circle. He’s the other circle. The place where your circles overlap is your relationship. The more they overlap, the healthier it becomes.

The problem in dating is when you think your circle is the “right” one – even when it doesn’t overlap with anyone else’s circle.

This is where I came up with the idea (espoused in Why He Disappeared) of “effective vs. ineffective”, as opposed to “right vs. wrong”. Example:

Guy wants to get laid on the first date.

Girl wants to save herself until marriage.

Is either of them “wrong”? No. I would suggest that both will find their stances largely ineffective in dealing with the majority of the population.

Is it possible to find a woman who’ll have sex on Date 1? Sure.

Is it possible to find a man who’ll wait until marriage before having sex? Sure. But there are a LOT fewer people who will agree to either.

This Venn diagram theory goes for pretty much everything in life. If you think something is reasonable, but nobody else on the planet agrees with you, you’re going to be more effective by finding a compromise point closer to the majority position. If you don’t, you may be left standing alone.

Men who don’t pick up the full check on Date 1 are not “wrong”, but they are ineffective.

Women who ask men if they will commit on Date 1 are not “wrong”, but they are ineffective.

All in all, Janelle, you’re not “wrong”. But you are ineffective.

In the Venn Diagram of Online Dating (copyright, Evan Marc Katz), men’s circle is Speed. Your circle is Comfort.

He wants to meet you right NOW and see you naked ASAP.

You want to “chat with him for a good period of time,” and after “a few weeks of online chatter”, you’ll give him your phone number. Then, presuming a few phone calls go well, you want to meet him for a safe coffee date at 2:30 on a Tuesday, so you can have a quick exit strategy if you don’t click.

Both of you are ineffective. And by ineffective, I mean that by not being able to understand (much less cater to) the opposite sex’s point of view, you’re pretty much eliminating your options.

You don’t want to do things his way.

He doesn’t want to do things your way.

Neither of you is wrong. Both of you are ineffective. And by ineffective, I mean that by not being able to understand (much less cater to) the opposite sex’s point of view, you’re pretty much eliminating your options. You know as well as I do that women don’t want to be bullied into going on blind dates:

“Hey, Janelle. Read your profile. Think you’re attractive. Not good at this email thing. Let’s see if there’s chemistry. Here’s my number. Call me. Let’s go out on Saturday night.”

By the same token, he doesn’t want to receive an reply that says, “Dear Dan, thank you for your initial inquiry. However, I’m very uncomfortable giving you my phone number. Who knows? You may be a serial killer or stalker. Besides, your profile doesn’t say very much about you, so maybe if you tell me more about yourself, if we click, then, maybe in a few weeks, I’ll give you my phone number and we can go from there.”

This is the entire reason that I came up with a strategy that works for both men AND women.

It’s called the 2/2/2 Rule (two emails on the dating site, two emails off site, two phone calls and then a date). I spend about a half-hour explaining it in my Finding the One Online audio program, which helps women flirt and connect with quality men online.

If you’ve ever wondered why you struggle with men, it’s quite likely because you’ve never given much value to HIS circle in the Venn Diagram.

Join our conversation (90 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 31
    Zak

    I am very easily turned off by someone who is afraid to give out their number early on. People talk about how online dating is weird, yet before online dating, you would get someones number right when you met them usually. Furthermore, i have been on a few online dates where the in person meeting was not what i expected. Who wants to lose a month chatting with someone only to find out their not you’re type in person. Online dating should just bring people together, then from there real life should take over. Just my 2cents. 

    1. 31.1
      KatieM

      This argument never seems to make sense…….because in the real world, if a guy came up to me and asked for my number, I would talk with him in person at that moment and know what he looks like.  This is opposed to having no clue who is on the other end of the message for online dating.

  2. 32
    Pk

    That sounds so childish and spoiled, for you to pout and say that you are turned off because someone will not give out there number
    A person has a right to hold off on anything that belongs to them. Why all the fuss?

  3. 33
    Meadowlark

    Guys, I am SO grateful I had laryngitis last night when I had my second “chat” with a guy on a dating site.  He and I had one chat prior that went on for over an hour, and we were really hitting it off.  He asked for my number last night and I told him – honestly – that I literally couldn’t talk and could we just chat?  We had a sushi date set up two days later and I was really looking forward to it.  All I can say is, our chat went from flirty to graphic to icky and I finally told him it wasn’t going to work between us.  There was a high degree of what felt like chemistry but it got sexual way faster than I was comfortable with.  Giving you my number too early gives you caller id with my name.  I am the last person who still uses a landline and after last night’s episode, better safe than sorry.  

  4. 34
    JoJOe

    Women dating online should be VERY careful about personal information.
    How does one qualify a few messages between strangers?
    You don’t.
    No one gets my phone number or email on request. Especially after a few online messages.
    Hackers/Scamers/Stalkers/ where? Online, looking for vulnerability and desperation and naivety.

    EG. After a few days of messaging.
    “If you send me a ticket I’ll fly up to see you”
    “Can you send me pics of you wearing 5″ high heels”
    “I can send you tickets to see me just give me your address”
    “I can pick you up at your place”
    “Leave me your email and I’ll write to you” (emails have one IPS address and that’s connected to your home address)
    “I can send you a pic of me, what’s your phone number?” (A photo/video can carry enough code to place a virus (hack) on your phone to scam or scare in countless ways. Anyone accepting or opening photos from strangers are not informed. Easy answer “Upload them to the dating site as Private”

    The best and safest way is through Skype with a separate alias.
    http://windows.microsoft.com/en-us/windows/outlook/add-alias-account

    This way everyone gets to see and hear the other. Most 1st job interviews are held this way.
    Some of my (Un-Skyped) dates from online dating have been pretty un-nice. I’ve had guys say:

    “You’re shorter than I expected, do you ever wear higher heals?” – “You look older when you’re not smiling” – “You’re breasts are huge, ever thought of getting a reduction?” (I do not lie in my pics which are within 1week to 1 month and I don’t lie on my data)
    You see men get an “ideal” image or fantasy of a women and they create it all the way to the first date. I don’t take it personally anymore.
    But a woman has to be a PERSON not an OBJECT.
    A woman (frighteningly enough) needs to look at online dating like you would a hostage or kidnapping negotiation. You have to personalize yourself.
    A first name, a talent, hobbies, a story, a good qualifying question to identify integrity and ethics and anything else possible to aid a man into knowing you are a person not a fantasy.

    If they don’t want to use Skype then move on, its a HUGE tell that someone is misrepresenting themselves. It’s free, it’s easy and it’s instant anywhere on planet Earth.

    I know all this now because I’ve learned the hard way:
    Most men who want your number will sext stalk you. I’ve had it happen to me many times. It’s creepy to say the least.
    Most men online who want a relationship are being honest, but if you’re not their “one” (ideal), most will still pursue you for a sexual encounter.
    A date I had was questionable, but I was considerate. (Not anymore).
    After leaving the restaurant and walking towards my car he asked for a drive home. I nicely refused and he hit me with his umbrella, screaming obscenities and I ran for it. See how things can change in an instant? Women have to be careful and men aught to know it.
    Never allow a man to walk you to your car, don’t even let him know where you are parked.
    Any man who does not understand a woman taking safe care of herself is NOT your man. If he can’t get it, forget it.
    A man should want to protect you if they’re into you. Not intimidate or manipulate or make you a prude for non compliance. Many men act this way and they are to be avoided.

    So my rules:
    Message has much as you want. Any form of intimidation is an instant block. Ask some serious qualifying questions that pertain to what you’re looking for.
    DO NOT, mention your kids names, birth dates. I get this ALL the time, “Where do you live?” You already know the country,province,state, city, enough.
    Do not mention your Pets names or Favorite wine if they are in any of your passwords. Hackers make trillions collecting your data, know it.
    Allow him to ask for the date, if they don’t want to meet, they’re missing the point of “online DATING”
    Skype so he see’s the PERSON. Many men will back out at this point, no worries, nothing personal, I do the same thing. It’s all ok. In fact it’s perfect.
    Then there are those men who will ask you to do some very strange things on Skype, like “show me your place” – “dance for me” – “stand back a bit more so I can see your lovely legs” (it’s endless) But Click and Delete.

    The date: Public, a place the woman is familiar with, no new uncertain areas. A must is to leave your ID in the car, bring credit, ATM, cash always some cash. It’s a no brainer to let a someone know who and where you are going. Carry your keys on your person never in your purse. MAKE SURE you have a password on your phone and use your cell in the washroom. Besides it’s not nice to take calls/texts when you’re on a date with anyone.
    It’s a first qualifying interview and men play this very well. They are pro’s at this. Men will like what they see and then they have to like what they hear. That’s it that’s all. They do this in under 1-3 minutes. If they’re hanging in there “nicely” – “mannerly” they’re into you. Are you into them? A man who gets too “sexual” too fast is not into you as a person, he’s into himself. You are a lovely sofa, a new car, a stiletto. This is not “Men Flirt”. I have a friend who adores a particular women but is too afraid to ask her out. I told him, “You ask me anything, why can’t you ask her anything?” He replied “Because she’s not you, she’s special, I have to be so careful” I laughed, knowing he wasn’t being cruel he was being truthful.
    But I see it all the time, if a man is a careful coward, he’s sooo into her.
    A man being sexually forward is soooo NOT into her.

    On a lighter note, I’ve had some great relationships, wonderful dates and met some terrific men. Know and maintain your boundaries, know your wants, and keep damned safe.

    Happy hunting to all, love on the inside first people. Love that and move through life with you in your heart. That’s a great life!

  5. 35
    Rebecca

    Here’s what didn’t work for me about online dating: Evan says two online messages, two emails, and two phone calls; spend a week screening the men who contact you online; go on one first date a week and in a year you’ll be in a relationship. But when I was on Plenty of Fish, I got maybe 15 new messages a day, and let’s say 5 of those were guys who’d actually taken the time to read my profile and say something interesting, so I wrote them back. So on day two, I’ve got five new messages worth responding to, and maybe three of the guys from yesterday. By the end of the week, I’ve got half a dozen guys who have maxed out that 2/2/2 cycle so I’m supposed to be ready to go out with them, but there are only seven nights in a week, and honestly I want some of my evenings to do my own thing so that when they ask me about my life I have more to talk about than “I’ve been working and going on a first date every night. You?” Maybe I’m supposed to be better at making judgments on the basis of just 6 interactions, and I find that my first impressions are pretty on target in the bricks and mortar world at least, but there are a lot of good men in the world.

    I ended up pissing off a few men who asked if I was just playing games or if I was actually open to meeting men in real life – they didn’t want to hear either answer: I wasn’t just playing games, but they bailed if I told them I’d gone of five first dates in the 15 days since I’d started chatting with them on POF. I quit POF after about a month. I’d gotten to thinking of men as disposable and looking for reasons to dismiss them instead of really taking the time to get to know them the way I wanted them to take time with me, and it felt awful. What’s supposed to be great about online dating is that you can meet so many people in such a short amount of time, but that is a double edged sword.

    Dating men you meet randomly in the course of your life is more of a crap shoot, I get that, but it slows things down in a way that works for me. ‘Cause the trying to be sensitive to men’s desire to speed things up, that was ineffective for me, too.

  6. 36
    zee williams

    I have met someone i like a lot.  When we chat, he often responds with comments which dont seem to match my comments.  Is there an automatef. System out thete thst i dont know about.  Its almosy as if im talking to robot.

  7. 37
    Cate

    The red flag here is that the man keeps pestering her for the phone number “because he doesn’t use the internet much.” This is a fairly common line, but one to be wary about. They also say they need the phone number right away because they’re just new on the dating site, or they are planniing to leave it soon, or they don’t spend much time online. I’ve received dozens of first messages that say pretty much the exact same thing. Most of them are obvious copy/paste. 
    If a man gets your last name and phone, he can have your street address in a few clicks, and possibly your workplace and lots of other info. And you don’t even know this man, just like I didn’t know (and had never met) the man to whom I gave my cell phone number, and who, less than five minutes later, texted me that he was on his way over to my house because he now knew where I lived.  Fortunately, the cops got there first. 🙂 
    Yes, it really does happen.  If you want to talk to him, use Google voice. 

    1. 37.1
      purr

      Oh wow!!!

       “or they are planniing to leave it soon”

      Someone on POF just did this to me- he lives near me and seemed like a decent – actual had some conversation with him so I thought maybe he was sincere. Of course I hate giving out my number right away too. I am not good on the phone.

      But then 3 decent messages where exchanged and the “let start out as friends and see how it goes” and then he gave his phone number – I didn’t ask for it or use it and then the next time there was a “Thanks for the note. I did send u my number, because I will be off this site soon, I might not return.”

      Ugh since we already had a convo going I went ahead and gave my number (and personal email as I am a modern techie person and I think long boring phone conversation are a waste of time – he can’t talk online in a few messages – how is he going to do on the phone?  Not well I think).. He did call but I didn’t hear the phone and it took me several days to get back to him – because well, I DO have a life (I know all the men on these sites think you OWE It to them to get back right away).

      Anyhow I returned his call yesterday and got voicemail (and it was a creepy voice mail still can’t figure out what it was – like TV going in the background and I thought someone had picked up and I said “hello” and nothing – and then his voice and I still don’t know what was in the background) and left a message.

      But that night I received a message on the site from someone else and I went to read it – and guess who was online??? Yep, Mr. “I am leaving the site soon” – it was a week and a half ago he said and yeah, there he was.

      So even though I thought he might have been an interesting prospect and I am not going to be bummed if he doesn’t call back now and if he does the whole thing is sort of spoiled for me now because he did lie. I mean, he doesn’t owe anything and I don’t owe him anything – but geez, did he really have to lie – did he think I wouldn’t figure it out…..I am pretty much convinced that the men on these site think we are stupid. I am not stupid – I am very smart but I just tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I shouldn’t. All of these men lie to get the phone number. – they are very obsessed with getting that phone number and now they are not getting my REAL one anymore.

      That is the first time someone used that line on me on a dating site and it is funny that I was just reading this article and your comment because after I saw him online like that (after he said he was leaving) and I was kind of thinking he lied and here it is!!! So thanks!

      Now I know… and i got myself a Google voice number too!!

      I am showing this to my therapist too – I can’t believe I got “had” again.. what is wrong with these men??

       

       

      1. 37.1.1
        Marika

        Purr, 

        I’ve read this twice now and I still don’t understand what this man did wrong?

        He gave you his number, he asked for yours so you could chat, and as promised, called you. When you take several days to return someone’s phone call, people (particularly in the online dating world) often will assume you’re no longer interested. He after this then apparently went back online to chat to other people (which is fair enough, and let’s remember you logged back in to read someone else’s message).

        Maybe he did intend to quit the site, but when he didn’t hear from you for a few days he decided not to, or maybe he does intend to leave the site, but in two weeks, not a week and a half, or maybe it was a ploy to get your number. In any case, getting someone’s number and calling them is a GOOD thing. It’s what we’re all aiming for. Also, you’ve not met nor even spoken, there’s no expectation that he’ll stop looking for other people to interact with.

        I understand that you have a life, but I know if someone calls me & I’m interested, I will either take the call, call them back later that same day, or if I can’t, send a text to say that I’m busy, but I’ll call them a x time. I think most people probably assume that if you’re interested, you’ll make it clear that you want to talk.

        You could equally imagine this guy commenting on this post complaining that a woman gave him his number, but when he called she didn’t respond, took several days to call back and then he saw you online chatting to other people.

        This is the reality of dating. I really don’t think this man did anything wrong (apart from having a weird voicemail message).

        1. purr

          Actually no that is incorrect, I didn’t even go back on the site until after I had returned his call and and only because someone else had sent me a message and I wasn’t on there chatting with anyone – I just read the message and logged off – I don’t like to “hang out” on the site to chat as I get inappropriate message then (sorry if that is not ‘normal’ but that is what I do – there is no option to show yourself not online so you can quietly read profiles without being bombarded by message by ANY guy that is online. Plus I don’t always have time to “hang on the site” and chat)… He stopped responding to messages once he had my phone number and didn’t SAY he was going to call – He didn’t ask for my number. I gave it to him because he said he was leaving – other wise I like to wait until I meet someone to give the number which we tried to arrange online but then he got weird about the number.

          I don’t think it is WRONG not to want to give someone your number and that is is wrong to want to email.. This is the year 2017 and we live in an age of technology and I am very technical and you don’t HAVE to give out a phone number to meet someone- sorry but that is realty.. It is not the fifties – He didn’t have to lie and say he was leaving to get my number  if that is indeed why he said that)- why didn’t he just ask for it? He didn’t and he misled me… No longer I am giving out my real phone number again – it will have to be by email or text if someone wants to arrange to meet me because I am not on the site all the time- It always has to be the way the guy wants to do it – and like the other ladies on here have mentioned – It is a dangerous world out there and you have to be careful.  If a guy is really interested and not just out to rush it and get numbers, why would he even care about the phone number? The fact that I am STILL responding to you no matter HOW it is done should be proof enough that things are going in the right direction.

  8. 38
    Lisa

    I live to exchange at least a couple of messages on a secure site before giving a man my personal contact information.

    I do like to meet (in a safe, public place) within a week if possible to see if we have chemistry, because if there isn’t any (on both sides) why waste either of our time.

    Like another commented here, I’ve had men blow up my cell phone with calls and texts and get really pissy when I can’t chat/text with them in the middle of my work day. There are men out there who want to take communication off the site ASAP so that they can scam you or send dick pics. (guys, don’t do that)

    If a man isn’t willing to respect my need for comfort and safety by exchanging a few messages on a secure site first, then what else won’t he respect later?

  9. 39
    M

    New to Tinder.  Here is where I am with my experiences and not wanting to give my number out so soon.  Messaging several “candidates”. At this rate several seem great.  I am not throwing my number out to a bunch of men before I have decided if they are worthy or meeting them in person.  YOU DO NOT KNOW these people.

    One guy who I thought was great, now seems borderline pushy, asked for my number.  I suggested we meet. I do not want some guy texting me like crazy.  He most likely will be blocked because after I declined to give my number he TOLD me to text him, again and keeps messaging me.

    Another guy I chatted with, jumped to “how good are you at smooching?” on the second message, I unmatch.  He then finds me on FB and messages me because we have friends in common.  This part being linked to FB, I do not like.

    I say do what works for you and go with your gut.

  10. 40
    anna

    Evan, I think the image of a Venn diagram misses one thing: what’s at stake? If both sides had the same at stake in this, then that would be one thing, but let’s see… personal safety versus ease of communication. I’m sorry, but safety wins. Actually, it’s not ultimately about safety, it’s about empowering women to decide what boundaries they are comfortable with–giving out their number right away or waiting however long. Given the prevalence of violence against women, I am disappointed in your response and think the men need to step up on this one. We do not live in a world free of patriarchy, so please let’s not pretend that we do.

    It is not paranoia because stalking, harassment, and rape are a common occurrence, and good men should know not to take it personally if a gal holds her number back for a bit. Guys, cultivate your understanding–if you can’t take a few seconds to imagine what women’s experiences can be like on these sites–or better yet, ask–then I don’t want to date you anyway. As it is we have to filter out a barrage of dick pics and sexual messages when we sign on to these sites. Coming out of this experience feeling respected and empowered trumps what Evan calls “effectiveness.” (Is effectiveness only measured in scoring a relationship–even a bad one? That seems pretty narrow to me to begin with).

    Just last week I had an experience in which someone who turned out to be emotionally unstable pressured me to give him my number. I am so relieved I didn’t, because I could block him once he started saying a bunch of distorted, negative, and angry things because I hadn’t responded to him fast enough. I also agree with Jenny above–I don’t have time to read and answer texts all day from someone I haven’t met or barely know. I want to have some confidence that the person is reasonable, stable, and isn’t going to text me all day before giving my digits out. Ladies, do what YOU want to do and feel comfortable doing, not what someone else says you should do.

    Google Voice sounds like a good option. Thanks to those who suggested it.

  11. 41
    judy

    No but you can give him the number that you only use for dating sites.  This was a strategy of one of my male acquaintances.  You don’t have to tell the man that, but it is a good idea, I think.

    (As long as you keep the other phone out of the way :o).

    I have travelled rather a lot and at one stage, did have two or three phones – one for the office, one for family and one for those people to whom I did not wish to give too much personal information.  It’s called wisdom and safety.

     

     

     

  12. 42
    Edward evanMark

    i  have dated from online a few times and have never asked for a girls phone number or email. I give out mine only after we agree to meet. Always met in person , much better and safer than emails and phone.

  13. 43
    Cassandra

    Anna brings up an excellent point when she ask “what’s at stake”? Women in general are risking far more in their associations with men than are men with women: from STD contraction to pregnancy and abortion to domestic violence and stalking to career stagnation resulting from “staying home” to support men and children whilst engaging in unpaid labor,  women are by far on the most negative receiving end of relationship dramas and expectations.

    When assessing for risk, the playing field is incredibly unequal. Any socially aware, compassionate man worth the time is more than aware of this reality.

     

    A man truly interested in your best interest will not put you on the defensive by pressuring you to get far more intimate and personal than you feel comfortable with. What does he have to lose by talking to you online? He’s still able to freely speak with other women and get their numbers. Do not allow any man to shame you into feeling silly or naive. His ego does not trump your sense of security or safety.

     

    Give a man your number when you’re ready. When he’s earned enough of your trust and interest that you can hardly resist. If he is genuinely interested in YOU and mature, he will gladly give you a ring (when he’s ready). If he’s petty and inconsiderate, seeing you as just another easily replaceable object deserving of zero time or respect because his ego is wounded or immediate demands aren’t met, you have dogged a BULETT.

     

    Perspective:

    1. The vast majority of relationships dissolve or are unhappy overtime (especially true for women) even if they can claim longevity.

    2. Imagine that, one of the most significant signs of a good relationship is one in which the man accepts his wife’s influence. (John Gottman) If the guy can’t even wait more than × days for your number and/or pouts or becomes petty, then he is not that kind of guy.

    So what’s the rush?

     

    **Keep in mind that people with arbitrary formulas for meeting and phoning (2/2/2) also have rigid formulas for when they believe you “should” be sleeping with them too. Once you’re on their timeline(2 emails and 2 calls) and next it’s 3 dates and we’re sexing. Stupid, unless that’s exactly what you’re looking for. Do not wait until after three great 20 minute dates for him to try and undress you before you help him manage his timeline and expectations. If he wants YOU (which he does not know after 2 emails) he will respect your pace as the one in the “relationship” with the most to lose.

    1. 43.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      **Keep in mind that if you’re referring to me, you’re 100% incorrect. I believe that 2/2/2 is a fast-moving formula that allows women to screen men over the course of a week before going on a first date. It’s not rigid. You can skip it if you like. It’s a recommendation. Similarly, I’m on record in about 100 different places telling women to not have sex with men unless they’re boyfriend – because the right man will respect your boundaries, as long as you respect his desire to move fast and experience some physical gratification. I normally wouldn’t respond if you wrote this somewhere on the internet, but here on my site, it’s important that I keep the facts straight.

  14. 44
    ghdgd

    well, its quite simple really.  You give a guy your number… if he’s a nutter, you block his number… job done.  I get loads of spam calls to my mobile.. i never answer an unrecognized number… if it doesn’t leave a message I’ll block it. You wouldn’t give your address though…. nothing wrong or risky about a mobile number though!

    I’m a man, and find it frustrating when women won’t give me the number. I’ll only ask once… but will take a playful opportunity to hint again..

    What i really hate is when a women expects to meet and communicate exclusively through the dating app.  Men have to be careful too online… sure we’re stronger and better able to defend ourselves… but we don’t have any clue who we’re talking to. I have been on a date with a girl who wouldn’t give the number… it was rubbish texting her through the dating app at the place of meeting.

    Im currently chatting to a very nice polish girl… I have high hopes!  But, she just won’t give the number! She lives quite a distance away from me and i really hope she doesn’t expect me to make the journey to meet her without her number! Not happening.

  15. 45
    AC

    People are not cookies. Neither are relationships. Some men get my phone quickly and some do not.

    I spent 2.5 years in a relationship with a man who conversed with me several times a day via the dating site message service for 2 weeks before our first phone call. Our relationship ended in early September due to his total mental breakdown over severe combat PTSD (his choice, not mine).

    Here’s the thing: I am a busy person. I am too busy to talk to every single person that wants to talk to me. Having my phone number means having another channel of access to me. That telephone number also services my family members, my best friends (one of whom is in the middle of a divorce, one who is getting ready to welcome their first foster child, and one whose Dad just died two days ago), all of my clients for my business, my attorney, vendors to my home…

    So if you’re some dude who just wants to know what’s up, what I’m wearing, and what my favorite color is, you will have to get in line behind all of those other people and everything else in my life.

    If I’m willing to give you my telephone number and that additional access to me that means I am willing to make room to get to know you. I can’t possibly know that if you won’t bother to tell me anything about you or you just want to get right down to having the same access that important things and people have. Sorry sweet pea, but my OBGYN is waaaaay important than you. So is the dude that crawls under my house to change the furnace filter. That is, unless you can prove otherwise. And demanding my phone number or trying to guilt me into giving it, or writing me off if I won’t hand it over immediately, NOT APPEALING at all.

    That kind of thinking doesn’t make me ineffective at all. I have no problem meeting guys. I have no problem giving out my number to men who are respectful. In the past week I’ve started talking to two men. One told me he’d chat with me later this week and I’ve had radio silence. Great. I feel good about giving him my phone number because he is chill; I’d even probably let that dude pick me up at my house for a first date. The other guy chatted with me for 20 minutes before he started BEGGING and ARGUING for my phone number. And he NEVER LET IT GO. He continued to beg and try to guilt me for my number. This is the kind of guy who will internet stalk me and show up on my doorstep, thinking he’s doing me a favor.

  16. 46
    Donna Hiebert

    I am baffled. Honestly, I have been online dating for 6 years. Met men and had relationships.

    Here is my experience.

    For myself, I can text and talk and really get into someone and feel a connection. And then I can meet them and in less than a minute I can feel that I do not connect with this person. There is no substitute for face to face connection. Video chat included.

    For myself, forming an attachment to someone before I meet them, and then finding there is actually no connection is an experience I personally like to avoid.

    Not to mention the men that can’t work up the nerve to meet in person.

    I am sure men have the same experience.

    Online apps pretty much are the same as texting. It’s a clean walkway if you meet and there is no connection.

    If a man wants to actually talk to me that’s different. I am open to that. But this rarely happens.

    Personally I get a misogynistic vibe from your whole image, Mr Katz.

    I’ll probably still give out my number online in order to relate but I think men would benefit from considering how that request falls on women.

  17. 47
    Jo mama

    No you are not unfair to not give out your REAL number.. Use a VoIP phone number instead so that way you can give out the number freely but don’t haft to stress about the stalker trash cause you can just delete the VoIP number at any time. Stay safe ladies

  18. 48
    Cindy

    I had four men ask for my phone number on initial contact today. Before I even initially responded. I have no problem giving my number to someone I want to talk or text with, but I do need a couple of emails to know if I am even remotely interested in this person. Would you give your phone number to someone who said, “nice smile” in a bar, based on that alone. A few profiles indicated the writer would only respond if you include your phone number. The reality is, Match.com is full of nuts and unserious people. It is not unreasonable to exercise some caution.

     

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