Are You Taking Advantage Of All Your Opportunities To Find Love?

You have standards.

You know what you’re worth.

And you’re never gonna settle for less.

I’m right there with you. (Boy, am I there with you!)

As a result of my high standards, I became a dating coach. I may have been labeled a “serial dater” by CNN when I was 32, but I was actually one of those rare guys who took his love life seriously at a young age. My parents were married for 30 years before my dad passed away, and it was their amazing marriage that I’ve always wanted to emulate.

You should never give up your standards, but… you’re quite possibly passing up the love of your life right this very moment.

When you have such a high bar to jump, you’ll likely find that most people fall short.

I’m sure you feel the same way. You’ve spent way too much time spinning your wheels on the wrong men to give up your lofty standards NOW.

As your friend, I want to tell you that you should never give up your standards, but that you’re quite possibly passing up the love of your life right this very moment.

I spent ten years dating online, passing up amazing women, and finding plenty of justifications for it. Then I figured out what I was doing wrong.

Click here to learn what you’ve been doing wrong in online dating – and, more importantly, learn how to get it RIGHT.

No doubt about it, you and I have some seriously high (and well-deserved!) standards.

Which partially explains how, between the ages of 25-35, I dated over 300 women.

I’m not proud of that. That’s a lot of failed dates, complete with all the rejection, confusion, and frustration that comes with them.

The silver lining to all of these experiences was that, as I got older, I found myself making much better decisions.

No more dysfunctional relationships with hot, toxic women.

No more jealous fights with women who had been burned in the past.

No more tolerance for petty insecurities or highly critical partners.

My taste was getting better and the quality of my girlfriends was consistently higher.

But it was January, 2007 and I was still single – despite writing a book called “Why You’re Still Single”! And all the money and media accolades in the world couldn’t take the sting out of that irony.

Then, I met a woman at a party.

We talked all night.

We started hanging out once a week, then twice a week.

We never fought. We always laughed.

Two years later, we were married.

And (here’s the punch line)…

I never, never, never would have written to her on Match.com.

Did I say never? I mean NEVER! And my reasons were justified…

She was 38. I was 35. Online, I set my search parameters for 25-36. I wanted to have kids but I didn’t want to feel rushed by a ticking clock.

She lived in North Hollywood. I lived in West Hollywood. If you know Los Angeles, she’s geographically undesirable. No one wants to hop on a freeway to spend the night.

She’s Catholic, I’m Jewish. I’m not religious, but why should I complicate things with my future children?

She’s right-leaning, I’m left-leaning. I actually lean a lot harder than she does, which makes the fact that she doesn’t agree with me even more intolerable.

We don’t give perfectly amazing people a chance. And then we complain that there’s no one out there to date.

These are just the criteria that would prevent me from seeing her in a SEARCH.

But what if she had an average photo next to her attractive blonde friends?

What if she wrote a generic essay that was overly reliant on adjectives and clichés?

What if she quit after one month on Match because she couldn’t find any good guys?

I never would have met my wife online for two reasons: because I wasn’t open enough to see her good qualities, and because she wasn’t putting the proper effort into online dating.

This is the essence of why it’s so hard to connect.

We don’t give perfectly amazing people a chance. And then we complain that there’s no one out there to date.

This is a belief we create to justify our single status.

And yet it’s really, really easy to think it’s true.

God knows, you’ve probably wondered whether there was anyone out there for you.

I promise you, there is. You may just be surprised at the packaging.

To make sure you see how this applies to YOU, check out the first CD in my Finding the One Online audio series, where I help you shape your mindset for online dating success.

If I had known when I was 25 what I finally figured out at 35, it DEFINITELY wouldn’t have taken me 300 dates to find the love of my life. If you want to stop wasting time pursuing the wrong men, click here.

But before you go, I want to relate to you one more story.

It’s the story of a client named Tina who invested in me as her dating coach for my 12-Week Commitment Course.

As part of her training in understanding the opposite sex, I recommended she take a weekend course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women. During the program, the course leader brings three men on stage to share their points of view.

Tina, an attractive, successful 41-year-old from the Midwest, watched the men as they walked across the stage and sat down for their roundtable discussion.

Before they spoke, she sized them each up individually: Would I date this guy or not?

If I had known when I was 25 what I finally figured out at 35, it DEFINITELY wouldn’t have taken me 300 dates to find the love of my life.

“No,” was her silent verdict.

First guy was too heavy.

Second guy was too old and grey.

Third guy was too short.

No one was her type. No big deal. That’s life. Besides, she was just watching these men on stage. She wasn’t really evaluating them as dating candidates.

Then Tina heard the men speak.

All were bright, articulate, and self-aware. After fifteen minutes of listening to them, it occurred to her that she would actually date ANY of them.

That wasn’t her REAL revelation.

But this was:

These men were the same exact guys she was ignoring every day on Match.com!

Too short. Too fat. Too old. Too far away. Too whatever.

This is wisdom.

This is power.

This is the kind of insight that changes lives.

It’s one thing for me to tell you, “Remain open to the unexpected!” It’s another thing to figure that out for yourself. But I’ll tell you, pretty much all of my friends who have gotten married have opened up to something that didn’t fit their ideal archetype.

Pretty much all of my friends who have gotten married have opened up to something that didn’t fit their ideal archetype.

One woman compromised on money.

One man compromised on age.

Another woman compromised on distance.

Another man compromised on race.

Another woman compromised on disability.

Remember, these are the people who are FINDING each other, and forging LASTING PARTNERSHIPS, while the rest of us scramble around with our checklists, deeming everyone unfit for our love.

As a lifelong bachelor dating coach who finally got married in 2008, I am not saying that you should settle, that I know better than you, or that you should give up all hopes of finding a transcendent love.

I’m just saying that you don’t know what you don’t know.

And until you open up to the unknown, you have no idea what you’re missing.

I’d have missed my own spouse.

You might be doing the same thing. Click here and I’ll help you find the partner you deserve.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Karl R

    SS said: (#25)
    “I said that I was not ready for that, and would not feel comfortable progressing to that level until we were in a committed relationship.”

    I agree that man’s response was way out of line. However, the way you phrased that may cause additional problems for you in the future.

    I stopped using the phrase “committed relationship” when dating, because people have wildly different definitions for what it means. To me, it means my date and I have agreed to date exclusively. To others, it means they’re engaged.

    SS said: (#25)
    “he was tired of eating and chatting and was ready to make our interaction more physical.”

    Did he literally say “more physical”? If so, this is another vague comment that could be broadly interpreted. It could mean “more physical than we have been” or “more physical than is polite in public.”

    As a guy (and therefore a literalist), if you told me that you wanted to get “more physical”, I might be hoping you meant sex. But I’d be aware that wasn’t what you said. And if you said you weren’t going to get more physical, I’d assume that you weren’t going any further than we’d already been.

    On a coffee date, I haven’t gotten any further than a passionate kiss goodbye. If you suggested that you weren’t going to go any further without dating exclusively, I would think you were more prudish than me (though I’d be too polite to say so). If I thought that things weren’t going any further prior to engagement, I would politely break up with you.

    SS said: (#25)
    “I suggested a third date at a coffee shop”

    Was that your way of telling him that you weren’t interested in him? If you were that disinterested, why bother going on a third date?

  2. 32
    Denise

    #31

    I had the same thoughts as Evan when I read Annie’s post.  I thought maybe it’s an age thing as I’m in my mid 40’s?  And if this the first date, that’s even more problematic.  I  have dated A LOT since my separation/divorce 4 years ago and have never had any man say anything remotely like this to me.  Even if I just talked to him on line, I never have had this either.

    I didn’t date a ton when I was younger, but never ran into this either.  Maybe it was when I grew up, but I was born in the 60’s, so you would  think would have affected men somewhat.

    Women choose if sex is going to happen and when, that’s the mindset to have and the ‘power’ to enjoy (NOT to manipulate, but to create a tempo in the relationship that feels good to her).

  3. 33
    ss

    @Karl,

    Did he literally say
    “more physical”? If so, this is another vague comment that could be broadly interpreted. It could mean “more physical than we have been” or “more physical than is polite in public.”
     
    To answer your questions, this man said, “more physical, sensual, bodily orientated and thus more complete.”
     
    He stated this in an e-mail and that was the exact line. I just cut and pasted that from the e-mail. Before that, in the same e-mail, he said that he felt that our relationship was too “head-y” and the long hours of conversation had made our relationship “very imbalanced,” and he felt that it needed to become “more physical, sensual, bodily orientated and thus more complete.”
    Up to that point, we had been on two dates, lasting about two hours each, and had talked on the phone a few times, with the conversations totaling about an hour (all together).
     
    “I suggested a third date at a coffee shop”

    Was that your way of telling him that you weren’t interested in him? If you were
    that disinterested, why bother going on a third date?
     
    Here’s the background on that, which I think will make more sense in terms of why I felt this man was completely out of line.
    Our first two dates were at restaurants. After the second date, he told me by e-mail that his job situation was shaky, his hours were being cut back and he wanted to inform me that he’d be unable to continue to take me out in the same manner because his funds were low. He said that if I wanted to continue to hang out, he would welcome that, but he couldn’t offer more.
    I did not know yet if I was interested, but I wanted to be understanding so I suggested the coffee date because it was inexpensive. I wanted to show that I still was interested in seeing him and getting to know him, and that money did not have to be an object.
    It was after that suggestion that he said what I posted above. So… basically, he first said that he was not going to be taking me out anymore because of money issues but would still be interested in hanging out, and when I suggested cheap/free options in which we could talk and enjoy each other’s company, he said we’d done enough of that and needed to get physical.
    That’s why I thought, wow, the nerve!!! You’ve just told me — by e-mail, no less — that you are backing off on your pursuit of me and then when I attempt to suggest dates/options that were more wallet-friendly, you complain that we aren’t getting physical enough?
    However, the way you phrased that may cause additional problems for you in the future.
     
    Well, unless I divorce my wonderful husband in the near future, I won’t have any problems with this anymore.  :)  A few months after this episode, I met a man who had no problem with me waiting for a committed relationship to have sex with him, and we ended up marrying a little over a year later.
     
    Our sex life is good.  ;)

  4. 34
    ss

    @Denise 33
     
    It could be an age thing. I’m in my early 30s — don’t know how old Annie is — and from what I hear from younger women in their 20s, it’s even worse.
     
    It’s not so much the interest in sex or attempts at it, it’s the sense of entitlement in which it’s done. A friend of mine mentioned how touchy-feely a guy was on a first date and when she said stop, he said, “Oh, some women are into that.”
     
    They met on the Internet and that was the first time they’d really spent any time with each other — oh, and he revealed later in the date when she asked that he was separated.
     
    There are definitely some great guys online, and I will always recommend online dating to single women, but I think the age of technology in general has engendered a greater sense of sexual entitlement among some men.

  5. 35
    Diana

    For some reason, I am thinking of my mom who used to be a dating widow. She tickled me because despite her sexual history as a married women for many years, she refused to sleep with any man, even those she dated exclusively for several months, before marrying again. As fate would have it, she married a man she’d known as a friend through other friends. They’ve been married for 14 years and going strong. He is also a far better partner and match than my father was.

  6. 36
    Joe

    @BeenThereDoneThat
    You’re presuming that most Men aren’t Grown Up Babies!!!  I think most single men need a lot more help when it comes to relationships than women.  But basically, Men aren’t conditioned to work at relationships, men just want the booty and then leave.  Women have goals of finding one man for a 20 year relationship.  Men have goals of serially or casually dating a woman for 1-5 years max.  Men and women have directly opposing goals when it comes to dating.  Women are single by choice, but its a good thing because it shows they can be financially and emotionally independent.  Most women can lower their standards to find a willing boyfriend/husband.

  7. 37
    Aya

    Karl,

    I agree with you about there being a double standard, and that men don’t always know what’s expected of them: if they push too hard, they are wrong, and if they don’t do a thing they are wrong because then they are blamed for not being attracted to the woman or having some other kind of problem.

    But- just as you expect woment ot tell you what they want up front, I would expect the guy to tell me where he’s at. Maybe if a guy said to me- “It seems to me like you’re never going to be on the same page as me on this”, I could have told him where I stand and he wouldn’t have to just assume I am not attracted to him and bail.
    Also- I think there is a difference in the dynamics I would expect after just a couple of dates as opposed to something longer. If you’re saying you predict future behavior based on present one- there are things that are appropriate for each stage. Just because I don’t want to sleep with you on the first few dates, doesn’t mean I won’t want to later.
    Just as telling someone intimate details about oneself on the first date is not appropriate, sex or even kissing might not be.
    But if a guy has no patience to wait it out, or- god forbid- talk about it, he might miss out on someone who is just slower to open up.

  8. 38
    Karl R

    Joe said: (#37)
    “Men have goals of serially or casually dating a woman for 1-5 years max.”

    Do you have a source for that statistic, or did you make it up? Over 95% of men get married during their lives. Over 90% of young men want to get married, even though they’re not ready to do so soon. Two thirds of marriages last over 10 years. Two thirds of divorces are initiated by women. That suggests to me that most men get married with the intent of being in the relationship for the long run, even when the marriage doesn’t last that long.

    Do you know any men who are getting married with the intention of ending the relationship in less than 5 years? Is that your intent?

    Most people spend part of their lives casually dating with no expectation of commitment. They also spend part of their lives serial dating while they search for a partner who will last a lifetime. They also spend part of their lives married to that partner (even though some later realize that they chose poorly). So the men who casually date and serial date usually become the ones who get married for decades. The women who want to get married for decades usually were serial daters or casual daters at some point in their lives.

    Joe said: (#37)
    “You’re presuming that most Men aren’t Grown Up Babies!!!”

    Are you a grown up baby? Can you produce any evidence that most men are grown up babies?

    You’ve made a lot of statements about what “most men” are like, but you haven’t produced a single shred of evidence to support your opinions. Have you met most men? Have you surveyed a representative sample of them? Can you give me a reason to believe that your opinions have any credible basis in fact?

  9. 39
    Joe

    Karl, do you have statistics to show how many Married Men cheat or get caught cheating?  Its not that Men don’t want to get married, its that Men don’t lose their desire to cheat even when they are married.  Cheating doesn’t have to end in divorce, its a fact of life, accept it.  For someone who claims to never have been married or in a relationship longer than 5 years, you seem pretty adamant that most men can stay monogamous for 60 years, good luck!  You’ll need to ask some women if they think their Husbands are grown up babies, or if they just like to watch football and play on the computer all day.

    1. 39.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Joe: How can I say this politely? Um, I don’t think you belong here. It’s not that you capitalize Married Men for no reason. Or even that you make the false and specious claim that most men cheat over 60 years (this page shows that about 22% cheated on their spouse, which, as you know, means that 78% haven’t).

      The real reason I’m thinking you should find another blog is because you’re completely out of step with everything I have to say, everything the other commenters have to say, and everything that unbiased statistics have to say. In other words, you speak only for yourself and, even then, you don’t make much sense. I have no trouble approving your posts (except the one where you insulted me); I just don’t know why you’d continue to make them. It would be like me going to Beliefnet.com and posting a whole bunch of athiest ideas on their boards. Kind of a waste of everyone’s time.

      So either start making sense and backing up your claims or find a community that really speaks to you. I know of a bunch of pick up artist forums where you’d fit in just perfectly.

      (Oh, and by the way, just because men don’t lose their desire for other women doesn’t mean we act on it. This critical thinking ability is part of what separates us from lower primates.)

  10. 40
    Katarina Phang

    SS, I understand the pressure for sex.  I feel that too a lot of times (recently happened 2 nights ago).  However, how do you suppose a man will be sure enough to “commit” without knowing if you two are sexually compatible?

  11. 41
    SS

    Katarina, I feel that sexual compatibility is based on a lot of factors that go beyond the physical. Obviously, the physical DOES have a major place in sexual compatibility, but I also feel that factors such as emotional security and mental intimacy are very underrated when it comes to sexual compatibility.
     
    So that means that I can find a guy hot and have a hot make-out session with him after two dates, but the sex we have after two dates (for example) might not be an indication of the type of sex we’ll have in two months, two years or two decades.
     
    Attempting to determine sexual compatibility in order to make a commitment, in my opinion, is a futile exercise. Humans are not cars or inanimate objects to be test driven. If say, I’m nervous about a first time with a new man and he doesn’t like that, is he suddenly going to decide that we’re not “sexually compatible” and therefore won’t commit to me? Or say a man finishes, uh, too early, the first two times… does that mean the woman should automatically determine there’s no sexual compatibility and should therefore move on?
     
    I know that I am not going to feel comfortable having sex with someone that I feel is a virtual stranger, and therefore, those sexual experiences would not be all that great. Should that then be the basis of how a man determines our sexual compatibility?
     
    Some of my best dating mentors who have great relationships/marriages said that the sex got TONS better the longer they were with their partners because they built up trust and true emotional intimacy. But what if they decided that because the sex was just okay in the beginning that they shouldn’t pursue a relationship with their partners because they weren’t sexually compatible? Well, they would have missed out on a great partner and some great sex because they were focused on the wrong things too early.
     
    Plus, in this age of STDs (including some nasties like HPV which a lot of women don’t realize can contribute to infertility issues — trust me, my friends tell me horror stories), it’s downright unsafe at times to promote this concept that a person needs to have sex with someone before deciding to be committed. So let’s see… if I felt things were going well with the last five guys I dated, had sex with them under this “test drive” paradigm and then they all decided that we were “sexually incompatible,” then what? Yes, I can write some of these situations off as “he’s just not that into you,” but perhaps I don’t exactly want to have casual sex? Are we really saying this is now the price to pay simply to enter a committed relationship? I really hope not, because that’s exactly the conclusion one could reach.
     
    Yes, I know one can have just one partner and catch an incurable STD and someone else can have 50 partners and be totally clean. But the risk is still higher the higher my number climbs… and I’m also trying to protect myself emotionally… because I probably would catch feelings for some of those men and not exactly enjoy feeling “test-driven.”
     
    As I said, I’m married. My husband didn’t feel that he needed to determine sexual compatibility to commit to me because all of the other compatibility factors were in place. Because of that, when we did become sexually involved, it was a smooth and easy transition because we had built up that level of trust and emotional intimacy that I feel are the most important parts of sexual compatibility.  In fact, in the three committed relationships that I’ve had in my lifetime, all of the men waiting until I felt ready and were totally sure about committing to me without feeling the need to determine “sexual compatiblity,” whatever that’s supposed to be.
     
    I participate on this board because I like reading about dating and human relationships, and sharing what my past dating experiences were. And I strongly feel that all of this “needing to determine sexual compatibility before committing to someone” is a total crock. If that’s what someone wants to do personally, hey, go ahead… but I really hope that women who do NOT want to do this stick to their guns and tell a man who needs sex before being “sure” about committing to take a hike.

    1. 41.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @SS: Maybe I’m misreading you, but your life experience is definitely is not a wise course of action for the majority of women. I advocate that women wait for men to commit as boyfriends before having sex. If you encourage women to wait until they married, allow me to predict that you’re going to eliminate over 95% of men – including every single man that I know. Thus, it’s a losing strategy.

      If you make sex before marriage into some callous “test drive”, it’s going to sound awful, but the truth is that ALL dating is a “test drive” – including sex. And just as I wouldn’t propose to a woman on the first date because I don’t know if we’re compatible, I believe it’s a mistake to save sex until after marriage for the same exact reason.

  12. 42
    SS

    Evan, I’m talking about boyfriends as well, not marriage.
     
    My issue is with men who say that they can’t decide if they want to commit to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship unless they determine sexual compatibility and insist that sex takes place before they make that decision. I think that puts women at serious emotional risk.
     
    The marriage thing… that’s a whole other story!  Although I support those who do want to wait until marriage, I agree that it does eliminate a large majority of men and that those people will be fishing in small (and usually religious) pools.

  13. 43
    Karl R

    SS said: (#43)
    “In fact, in the three committed relationships that I’ve had in my lifetime, all of the men waiting until I felt ready and were totally sure about committing to me without feeling the need to determine ‘sexual compatiblity,’ whatever that’s supposed to be.”

    It’s been my general preference to wait until there’s a committed relationship to have sex (though I’ve broken that rule a couple times in 15 years). I am certainly willing to commit to being a boyfriend before having sex.

    But emotional security and mental intimacy aren’t enough to guarantee good sex (or even adequate sex). In my second committed relationship, the young woman’s idea of “participating” in sex was to lie on her back with her legs spread. I prefer my partners to be more actively involved in the sex act.

    After repeated suggestions about things I enjoyed (which were half-heartedly acted upon once, then subsequently ignored), sex became a recurrent source of frustration for me. Our differences regarding physical intimacy were the reason I ended the relationship.

    I’ll commit to being a boyfriend before having sex. I’ll take some time to see whether the sex improves. But I won’t hesitate to break up with a woman if the sexual compatability isn’t there. I’m not that committed to being a boyfriend.

    SS said: (#43)
    “I strongly feel that all of this ‘needing to determine sexual compatibility before committing to someone’ is a total crock.”

    None of my other relationships remotely compared to that one. If your relationships were like most of mine, you won’t be able to understand why people place great importance upon sexual compatability. But all it takes is one partner like that girlfriend to understand where they’re coming from.

  14. 44
    Diana

    To SS #43, I am in agreement with you overall. While I don’t think I’d wait until marriage (a remarriage for me) to be intimate, the guy would have to be a serious boyfriend, and this would fit together with being in a committed relationship prior to sex happening.
     
    I have heard the old line from my female friends where the man says something just a few dates in like, “Well, we need to know if we’re sexually compatible first, before we can go any further,” and they just roll their eyes. They see it as just a lame excuse to get into their pants. And yes, sexual compatibility can change, whether that’s “hot to not” or “slow to grow,” or whatever, so trying to use this as one of the gauges for marriage or an LTR is flawed. But then so is dating. :)
     
    My former husband and I took our time, and spent months leading up to the right time for us (notice I wrote “us”). By then, we were so deeply engaged with each other emotionally that our sexual compatibility fell right into place. He never pressured me, but he knew from our interactions with each other that it was just a matter of time. ;)

  15. 45
    SS

    I think some wires are being crossed here. I’ve never mentioned waiting until marriage for sex… my definition of commitment is when two people agree that they pursuing an exclusive relationship, not dating anyone else and that it’s clear that they are boyfriend/girlfriend (lol, that sounds so high school, but you get the idea).

    The scenario I mentioned earlier regarded a man who said that in order to consider an exclusive relationship with me (not marriage), he had to see if we were sexually compatible first, and he questioned how he could commit to me if he didn’t know if we were sexually compatible.

    When I said that it was a “crock” that one needs to determine sexual compatibility before commitment, again, I was not talking about marriage. I have encountered too many younger women who have heard from men AND women that it’s supposedly normal these days for men not to commit to simply being a boyfriend if he hasn’t had sex with them to determine “sexual compatibility.” THAT is a crock because no woman should feel that in order to have a relationship, she must have sex with a man first so that he can “test” her and their “sexual compatibility.”

    Now if both parties want to have sex and are both perfectly happy with their decision — whether in a committed relationship or not — then I have no objections to that. But the idea of submitting to a “test drive” to determine whether you’re girlfriend material isn’t remotely empowering for a woman, and there are plenty of men out there who don’t have this requirement. Losing a man who insists on sex before he considers being exclusive with you is no loss at all.

    Hope that’s clear.

    Karl said:

    You won’t be able to understand why people place great importance upon sexual compatability. But all it takes is one partner like that girlfriend to understand where they’re coming from.

    Actually I understand completely. The second relationship of the three that I mentioned ended up being one of poor sexual compatibility (among other things — the other things broke us up first). However, discovery of this issue was a part of getting to know him as a boyfriend. The sex actually started off fine and got worse because of various personal issues he had going on… and also, because we found that we were incompatible in many other ways, our sex life suffered.

    None of this would have been determined though by trying to figure out before our relationship if we were sexually compatible. As I said, we were early on. Ultimately, the early sexual compatibility meant nothing, and we needed to actually be in a relationship where we agreed to be working toward a long-term goal before we realized that we didn’t need to be together. We lasted barely a year, but you know, that’s okay. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons… but it took us 6+ months together to know whether or not we were compatible for the long-term (sexually, mentally, emotionally). That was not something that could be determined after a few dates.

    I’m glad we were boyfriend and girlfriend for the time we had together, and glad that we broke up when we did.

    While one cannot ever guarantee good, long-term sex with a new partner, I know I was more likely (based on a few experiences) to have better overall sexual chemistry with a boyfriend than I was with a FWB. One could have great sex with an FWB, but for the most part, that compatibility was ONLY based on the physical and was rather superficial. With the men who were my boyfriends, the sexual compatibility was typically much better because it was about more than just the physical.

  16. 46
    Katarina Phang

    With me personally if I feel strong sexually with a man early, it’s usually a strong indication that I would want him to be my long term lover.  If I don’t feel it early, it will not end up in anything, usually.  So far it has been like that.  It might change in the future (who knows).
     
    So waiting to have sex serves no purpose for me.  I usually want it because I feel strongly for him and the sooner we establish that we connect sexually the better for me (why waste time?).  And why wouldn’t I want to be intimate with a man I adore?  If it doesn’t end up in LTR, then I just move on…I don’t lose anything.  Having sex is not like sacrificing the most sacred part of my being or something.  We both enjoyed it in the moment, as we both should.
     
    If you don’t feel that way toward a man you are aiming to have a LTR with, perhaps you should re-evaluate if you really feel that strong for him/trust him in the first place.  If you don’t feel that close/emotionally connected to him, then perhaps he’s not really for you.  For me personally, I would feel that way about him before we even decide to be exclusive/committed with each other (even when the sex might start as a casual thing).
     
    All my long term relationships started with sex very early on.  Again, it might change in the future but so far that has been my pattern and it works just fine.

  17. 47
    NonExist

    Interesting comments and experiences here.

    Have met people online and offline but also through friends similar to what Stacy #19 said in her first paragraph.  And it actually is preferable to all other mediums in my opinion.  Now all my firends who still live near are married and them “hooking me up” with someone is not the same as just having a get together and mingling.

    I have only been asked to wait by a couple of women.
    Most I have dated a few times later told me they thought I was not interested because I did not move fast enough.

    I’ll usually just go with the flow.  Spend the time, have fun, and either the sex would flow in or it would not.

    Until I started reading online forums did I see how much sex was a really deep subject of discussion other than responsibility or safety.

  18. 48
    Kathy

    For me at least, if i rely completely on meeting people in real life , at my 27 years old , i would never in my life would have had a boyfriend. Yes, all my boyfriends i met them online, not on dating sites exactly, rather in social networks. For me, its very hard to meet someone new in real life, i dont socialize much, its all work, home and family  so unless i meet someone in the grocery store or the bank ( which its very unlikely)   ill have to rely on dating sites, i have been a member of Ok cupid for almost a year and even though i havent find “Mr. Right” i have met a lot of guys that i never i would have met in real life. The internet gives you a lot more options and you would have a lot more chance to meet someone there than in real life, it all depends how you use it. I think the people who met their spouses in real life were just lucky.

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