Does Online Dating Even Work?!

Does Online Dating Even Work?!

Dear Evan,

I was curious as to what your real opinion is of online dating. I did meet my girlfriend online, but after a year of painful struggle, meaning hardly any dates despite being educated, employed, and reasonably attractive. Friends of both genders tell that their experiences have been hard in different ways. My guy friends (also educated, attractive) complain that they get no responses and female acquaintences tell me that they get so many emails, etc, that they don’t know where to start-and often do nothing. They don’t have time to “date around” several times a week.(actually neither would I). I assume that the problem exists due to security. Women, being more vulnerable than men, are more hesitant to date online, so you get a situation where there’s a lot more men than women. Aside from my own luck and the trendy radio ads and sexy commercials, it seems as if no one’s happy.

Geoff

Dear Geoff,

Glad to hear you found someone special, and even happier that you spoke up. Most of the people that write about online dating write about what’s wrong with it. It makes sense. I mean, that’s what news is – emphasize the bad, misery loves company, etc. Turn on the TV and it’s not about kittens being saved from trees, but drive-by shootings. That doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of kittens saved from trees.

Go to one of those websites that reviews dating sites and you’ll see the same. Average review will be 2 out of 5 stars or something like that. Why? Because people who get married from online dating sites rarely get back online to post happy reviews on websites. They move on with their lives, while everyone else complains about the sites and the awful people on the sites.

I don’t deny ANYBODY the negative experiences that they’ve had. I just urge people to find some healthier perspective on the whole thing. A private client told me just this weekend that she’s quitting online dating after three bad dates in a row. Here is what I wrote back to her:

First of all, I’ve had EVERY bad dating experience you can possibly imagine. I’ve had women write me nasty emails, insult me over the phone, ignore my phone calls, stand me up, refuse to thank me for dinner, refuse to reciprocate in bed… Are you getting the idea? And yet I still run around as this super dating advocate, because I believe it is the best prospect to find someone special. If you choose to wait for lightning to strike until you go on another date with the “right” guy, you might be waiting a long, long time. Like, FOREVER.

Abstinence isn’t the answer. Mustering the courage to persevere in light of bad experience is.

Listen, you might think I’m nuts to keep on preaching positivity. That’s fair. All I know is that it’s freakin’ HARD to meet someone. We have our small lives: our circle of married friends, our work buddies, a few single people, and that’s it. And as you get into your mid-30’s, the bar scene is really old and set-ups have become a bit of a joke. While it’s nice to say, “I want to meet someone organically, where our eyes meet, so I can feel chemistry”, that simply doesn’t happen very often. This is why I believe in online dating. Not because it’s perfect – not by a long shot. But because it creates opportunity where previously there was none. My first love, in 2003, was a Filipino woman that worked in the pharmaceutical industry and lived in a different part of town. I NEVER would have met her in “real life”. But I did meet her on Nerve.com. My best friend in New York is marrying a man she met on eHarmony. My sister is in love with a man she met on Nerve. My sister’s best friend is in love with a man she met on eHarmony. I have dozens of clients who are married, engaged and in love with people they met online. And these are just the people that I know well.

So let’s acknowledge the flaws of online dating: the liars, the bores, the flakes, the crazies, the morons, the perverts, the poor spellers, and so on. These people exist offline as well. They just have access to you online. So as I see it, you have two choices: quit online dating and make a supreme effort to go to as many parties, coffee shops and adult education classes as possible OR try to find a way to avoid the worst of the online daters. The third, and most popular choice, is to quit and wait for your soulmate to drop out of the sky, like “The Secret” for love. Yeah, keep praying, people.

Your best bet is to keep dusting yourself off, learning from your mistakes, and staying in the game. Sure, sometimes you’ll get burned. But sometimes, with enough perseverence (as well as luck, timing, a good profile and a positive attitude), you’ll fall in love. And if it hasn’t happened to you yet, you can say “What’s wrong with these terrible people on these awful sites?” Or you can ask, “How can I make this work for me, despite the obvious flaws?”

You know where I stand. But I’ll tell you, all it takes is one person – and you’ll be standing right with me.

4
5

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Mike X

    Hunter – The thing is, over the past few years, my profile has gone through several iterations of re-writes, sometimes small tweaks and sometimes complete overhauls. The results are pretty much the same. I will say that I did have slightly better success (maybe 1 response out of 20 emails) when I lived in NYC, where the M/F ratio was in my favor.

    A-L: I’m sure that many women are receiving emails similar to yours…so that’s why it’s that much more disappointing when my emails continue to go unanswered. And yes, I think race does play a big role – I’m Asian and as we all know from an article that Evan wrote earlier, Asian men have a huge disadvantage when it comes to dating. Glad I’m not short.
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-advice-for-short-men-life-is-unfair/

    I got an email today on OKCupid.com from a woman complaining that chemistry.com is “a lot of work.” Ha ha. Maybe I should refer her to the end of my post #54…but then she’d think I’d bitter :)

    I actually like sites like chemistry and eharmony because for regular guys (ie not supermodels), it’s SO MUCH LESS WORK than “traditional” sites like match.com.

    1. 61.1
      Michael

      I wonder why most people do not like Asians.

  2. 62
    Lila

    I met a guy online and we were together for almost 2 years and we are still friends. It wasn’t a dating site but still, it made me think that maybe my chances of meeting someone through internet dating websites might actually be better because, even though the prior relationship didn’t work out, it still lasted 2 years. I could quickly cut to the chase and narrow it down to the best possibilities.

    All I have to say is it’s been 2.5 months and what a pain in the ass. I did meet one great guy but then he admitted that he’d lied about his marital status! Not to mention, the financial mess he was in and he couldn’t even bring a date home.

    Then there was the guy with nothing but tattoos and a mouthful of rotting teeth, who really needs to get laid. Of course all the photos were with his mouth closed and he wanted to make sure that I was really the person in the photo, because he had been fooled before by women were really dogs.

    Then there was the 21 year old hottie who might make a decent booty call. A truly good looking guy whom I had coffee with and then was supposed to go to a party with. I actually considered going, even though I am 30 but after hanging out with his buddies and listening to them talk “how drunk they got” for about 3 hours, it was time to go. Some of them were also underage.

    I know there are people out there who have been lucky but I think that after my membership expires, that I am done with it. I have to admit that I am not a big fan of it. Plenty of potentials, plenty of emails, but I am starting to believe that maybe meeting someone is something that has to come naturally. Not to mention, I can’t handle all the “weeding out”, it takes way to much time.

    I think the internet would be a great way to hook up booty calls but that’s about it.

  3. 63
    Lila

    Stella…

    I get the same thing! I tell guys I like to go hiking, which I do. “Oh I’ll send you great pics I took, out in the forest the other day.”

    The pics are usually mostly bikes, jeeps, trucks or the men standing there with rifles in their hands and ready to go find something to kill. Only once did I get pics of nice scenery.

    Men don’t need to prove how manly they are by showing off there hardware and motors. Lol.. but I have to admit it’s pretty funny and severely symbolic of the differences between men and women.

  4. 64
    JuJu

    What’s a 6-6-6 rule?

  5. 65
    Kenley

    I actually don’t think it’s the case that average people don’t respond to average people per se. I think it’s people won’t respond to people they don’t think are attractive. And, I think average people can be attractive or at least have qualities that are attractive — great eyes, smile, etc.

  6. 66
    qazarly

    I think we now have enough information to show what is happening and where the problem lies.
    Firstly men using online dating outnumber women. The younger the men the worse the ratio, but for older men a quick look at Match shows about 150 men for 100 women. Good start for women.
    But Freakonomics data shows that 25% of women get no email from men. Ouch, even with substantially more prospects 1 in 4 women do not make the grade. They may be the ones complaining the men want supermodels, in reality the top 75% of women.
    That leaves 150 men chasing 75 women, or a ratio now of 2 to 1. The men all send lots of emails, and 60% of them get no response whatsoever. So the “frogs” of the dating world are also out in the cold – all 90 of them, but we still have 60 of them left chasing 75 of the women.
    Surely the women will accept these men – not a bit of it !
    The freakonomics data shows that unlike men who will attempt communication with the opposite sex in proportion to the level of attractiveness, women do not show this linear response, they pretty much only respond to the most attractive men with the top 5% getting most of the traffic.
    There is now hardly any men left in the game. To be generous here – at best we now have 80% of the remaining women 60 out of 75 chasing only 20% of the men or 12 out of 60.
    We have 48 men getting a small response from the 15 women who statistically must be in the bottom 40% in level of attractiveness (the 48 men are all in the top 40%). These men probably are not impressed with this outcome !
    The top 12 (8%) of the men now have their pick of the 60 remaining women. Of course these women will probably not be too impressed by their success rate, and are probably wondering why the men they desire show no desire to commit.
    The remaining last statistic that we have is that 90% of men give up online dating in the first 3 months, and that seems to make perfect sense given the above.
    Conclusion – if people follow their biological programing very few of either sex will have any success

  7. 67
    Cilla

    qazarly,

    The statistical accuracy of your theory notwithstanding, I think you’re correct in your assumption that many women reject men based on their “attractiveness.” But let’s look at what attractiveness might mean. To me, it’s not just the face or the body in the picture, it’s whether or not the man looks put together. Did he take time to pose for and select an appealing (and accurate) photo of himself? Can I see his face, or is the shot taken from too far away? Is it blurry or too pixelated? Is he wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses in all his pics? Is he wearing a paint ball mask, a hockey mask, field camouflage, or eye black (yup, seen ‘em all). In all his photos is he dressed in schlubby clothes (sweats, torn jeans, etc.)? Is he clean shaven (if not sporting a neatly trimmed beard) and is his hair combed or styled? Does his house look like a complete mess in the background? (I’ve seen a few that could qualify for an Oprah episode.)

    Once I move past the photo, I look at the profile–it’s all part of the attractiveness package, so to speak. Is his profile well written, with a minimum of typos? Is it written in all caps or text message lingo? Is it too overtly sexual? Is it lacking in content that actually gives me some clue as to who this guy is? Is it a laundry list of what the man does NOT want in a mate?

    I could go on and on. I don’t know if these issues are reflected in the women’s profiles as well, since I don’t read them. But if men want to avoid the instant rejection from my mailbox, they’d better start working on their overall attractiveness quotient. If they think their head shot can’t carry the profile, they should include a nice (but not overly naked) body shot, if that’s their selling point. How about a photo in a suit and tie (not with an ex-girlfriend or someone’s wedding party cropped out)? If you’re not a suit guy, how about a nice sweater? And for heaven’s sake, get rid of the beer bottles, bongs, cigarettes, and crazy party paraphernalia–I don’t need to see your last Halloween or Mardi Gras costume, or that you “gotta support the team” by painting your chest blue for every home football game.

  8. 68
    JuJu

    The freakonomics data shows that unlike men who will attempt communication with the opposite sex in proportion to the level of attractiveness, women do not show this linear response, they pretty much only respond to the most attractive men with the top 5% getting most of the traffic.

    I don’t think this is true.
    I, for one, can tell if a man is “out of my league”, so to speak, and most likely won’t even bother with him.

    Also, judging from some of the men who see it fit to reply to me (and other women I’ve seen and spoken to), I would think it’s the men who are way more deluded about their chances.

  9. 69
    A-L

    Cilla’s description of what women find attractive is dead on. Unfortunately, the vast majority of men online don’t meet this requirement, and I’m rather lax about some of the physique ones.

    In terms of the numbers of people online, at the end of the “Would Your Rather Spend 20 Minutes on the Phone…” thread (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/would-you-rather-spend-20-minutes-on-the-phone-discovering-your-date%E2%80%99s-a-loser/) Karl R and I started looking at some of the data of men and women on Match.com. Here is what we found:

    38 year olds within 5 miles of the heart of Houston: 70 men, 46 women. That’s 60.3% male, 39.7% female.

    28 years old within 5 miles of the heart of New Orleans: 17 men, 14 women. Thats 55% male, 45% female.

    26-40 years old within 5 miles of the heart of New Orleans: 232 men, 164 women. Thats 59% men, 41% women.

    26-40 years old within 25 miles of the heart of New Orleans: 445 men, 329 women. Thats 57% men, 43% women.

    Just wanted to provide a little numerical perspective on the question of does online dating even work.

  10. 70
    qazarly

    Cilla, I quite agree that the studies done show that women look at the “package”. They want men who are tall, handsome, confident, intelligent, high status, wealthy etc. Men want women who are hot and ….well thats it.
    Ju Ju, studies of speed dating shows indeed that women will make an assessment of their own level of attractiveness when they pick the men and they go for the best they think that they can get. Men just go for the hot women. But even the least attractive woman will only pick a small number of men and will set the bar as high as they can. Men choose lots of women and set the bar low.
    One study showed (video on the net!) that personality had no effect at all, as long as the men were tall they could talk complete gibberish and they would still get chosen.
    There is no blame here, our brains are hard wired to act in this way. Men are looking for young fertile women, and women are looking for strong providers with the best DNA.
    However women choose men, they hold all the cards. Only they are in a position to change the stalemate by saying yes instead of no.

  11. 71
    Mike X

    Here is something that puzzles me about online dating (and real life dating, I guess).

    I can understand how women have the complete upper hand when they are in their 20s. They get dozens of emails a day and can reject guys left and right.

    My theory was that when I got to my early 30s (I’m 32), the power would shift toward men. Makes logical sense, right? Many women start to feel a little worried when they are in their 30s and still single. They might relax their screening criteria more when they realize that the 6’2″ multilingual, HOT doctor who pulls in $250k/yr doesn’t exist in real life. Or if he does, he’s too busy being a playboy to settle down.

    However, I don’t find that getting email responses is any easier for me from 30-33 yr old women as it is from 26-29 year old women. It’s still really hard. And the under 26 crowd still completely ignores me…haha.

    Do I have to wait till I’m in my late 30’s to really see the shift? I don’t want to end up being a cougar hunter. Purrrr…

  12. 72
    Cilla

    qazarly,

    I think you misinterpreted my point. Yes, women look at the total package, but I did not mention anything about wealth or status when I referenced my “attractiveness quotient.” I’m sure there are some women who look for these attributes, but I was talking about the first impressions a man makes in his profile–the style that is manifested before the substance can be uncovered, if you will. I would consider wealth or status to be a second layer that a woman uncovers only after a man has met the initial attractiveness criteria as discussed in my PP. A woman has to get past the grainy picture of the disheveled guy in sweats to discover he’s a multimillionaire.

    This whole “study” about how tall men are preferable regardless of their personalities or intellects is questionable. All things being equal, perhaps women will initially choose a taller man. But height doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and most women will factor in other qualities after a few minutes of evaluation. I know personally I get lots of email contacts from men who are attractive and tall. Once I read their profiles and see how vapid some of their ramblings are, I delete. I’m currently dating and corresponding with a few men in hopes of finding one person for a LTR. One of the top contenders is 5’6″, based on his quick wit, style and general joie de vivre. I realize this is anecdotal, but I do know other women who feel the same way.

    I believe the hardwired DNA theory is changing as environmental influences are beginning to trump nature. Both men’s and women’s perceptions of what is desirable in a mate are being challenged by media images that have no bearing on fertility or perpetuation of the species. If men were looking for the best biological partner to ensure the continuation of their DNA, they would choose women with the largest waist to hip ratios (proven to be associated with both fertility and longevity). Instead, the current trend is toward slender women with narrow hips and boyish figures. Just read some of the discussions here and on other sites regarding preferences for “athletic” or “slender” women–Maxim aesthetic, yes. Fertility? No way. And you contradict yourself: if women were looking for the best providers, they would be looking at big men who could “hunt” for them. Wealth or status wouldn’t even be a factor. To my knowledge, our DNA has yet to evolve to contain a code for mating based on bank accounts.

    As far as women holding all the cards goes, I agree to a point. In the cyber world the odds are stacked in favor of women. However, once that first contact has been made, the control goes to men. Take a look at Evan’s latest post “The Most Important Dating Advice You’ll Ever Hear” and you’ll see what I mean.

  13. 73
    JuJu

    Mike,

    I don’t think you are correct to expect a shift, at any age. In the animal world, the female chooses. She is only limited, obviously, by the selection of men available to her.

    And if anything, you should have gotten more responses in your 20’s from women your age, since not as many of them are looking to settle down.

    But the main phenomenon responsible for that behavior is that women’s standards do not go down over time (or due to circumstances – you must have observed an overweight (or whatever) woman feeling entitled to an attractive mate, no?). A woman can wait her entire life for a “prince”. This is something I remember reading in some scientific article.

  14. 74
    Cilla

    Mike X,

    Just got an unsolicited email from a 32-year-old (very hot). I’m 47. What’s wrong with being a cougar hunter? LOL

    Seriously, I think there are more subtle demographic divisions among both sexes than we acknowledge. It’s been my contention for a while that women under a certain age (probably around 26) are still partying, looking for fun, not thinking long-term or about having kids. That shifts as women approach 30 and becomes urgent for women approaching 40, assuming they are still childless and want children. There is another demographic group of women who have had children (or don’t want them) and are in their 30’s and 40’s. They are looking for different things in a relationship and may have a broader set of criteria for men. The same divisions apply to men, although their urgency to reproduce is obviously not driven by a biological clock. To lump everyone from the same age group together doesn’t make sense.

    Now, let’s complicate that scenario by assuming that as women age they may become more, not less, picky about their potential mates, even though statistics say this works against them. And men who have, say, been put through the ringer in divorce become pickier about finding their next mates, as well. Add having kids, or wanting kids, and things like geographic location, etc., and you have a complex situation that resists any kind of formula or algorithm for finding the perfect match.

    What I’m saying is: there is no magic equation for setting up your search criteria, no guarantees that just because you are of a certain age, women from a corresponding age group will be interested in you. I personally find very few men from my own age group interested in me; they are almost always 5-15 years younger or 5-10 years older. My theory is that the 45-year-old male is the equivalent of the 30-year-old female in terms of stringency of the selection process.

    You can set a very broad set of parameters and within that, look at each person individually. (Remember? Well, you probably don’t, since you’re so young, but people used to do that back in the day, before this whole Internet dating thing came along.) You can use statistics to fuel your search, but remember that this is life, not a math problem. At 32, the world should be your oyster.

  15. 75
    JB

    To Mike X……You’ll NEVER see a shift. Trust me I’m 48. Late 30’s,40’s 50’s ??? Forget it. Possibly in your 70’s because I hear there’s 4 women for every man ….LOL

    Most of you on here have never put up “test” profiles to actually see what really goes on. If all you’ve ever been is yourself online you can’t possibly understand the REALITY of online dating. I’ve been 40 different people online,all shapes,sizes,ages and attractiveness,male & female(straight only for both…lol) <–(I’m sure being gay opens up a whole different can of worms)
    It taught me so much because you actually see 99% of what you’re missing coming from only 1 point of reference. It was very enlightening and disheartening at the same time. Remember knowledge is power.

  16. 76
    Joe

    JB, would you mind sharing your discoveries?

  17. 77
    qazarly

    Cilla, I am not contradicting myself because I am not bringing to the discussion personal anecdotal ‘evidence’, but the results of studies conducted by scientists applying rigorous scientific methodology. I don’t think my opinion, based on personal experience is worth much in comparison.
    In some cases these studies are showing the results of many thousands of dating interactions, and the different studies are for the most part supporting conclusions of other studies.
    Interestingly when women are interviewed on what they are looking for in a mate that doesnt always seem to bear any relation to what they ACTUALLY go for.
    Women are experts at picking up clues on wealth and status just based on looks, and in speed dating will have rejected or accept the guy in the time it takes him to sit down.
    Wealth is power of course which is the thing that attracts. Alpha males are few in number, but women will seek them out regardless of age. Men in their 80s will still desire the 25 year old.
    Our brains do not change – our rate of success does.
    I am also interested in JBs discoveries, but my guess it will follow the result of the studies.
    Men will send lots of email to attractive women regardless of their own status ,wealth or age. Women will reject all men who are short or poor or pretty much anyone who isnt physically attractive and/or wealthy.

  18. 78
    JB

    Well without boring everyone with a long drawn out post. My discovery of no matter what a guys profile says as long as it’s generic,harmless etc… and he has 2 or 3 very good looking (top 5%) pics he will get not only the most attractive women(8-10’s)which is expected but also a ton of 3’s -7’s who I can assure you have never dated anyone that looks like these guys. Now when these 3’s -7’s don’t hear from the attractive guy they won’t email ANY men who are in the 5-8 range. All of these profiles were basically the same stats EXCEPT attractiveness. So none of that is a real shock because as we all know on this blog everyone thinks of themselves as much higher. I know men do the same thing they email women way out of their league but I also think that men email more women in their league and below just because if we can’t get what we want we’ll take what we can get. What I found interesting is that when I put an attractive woman’s profile up in the same area and age range that I’m in(to see my competition so to speak as well as see who’s exactly emailing the women I email.)Their wasn’t 2 who I would email back if I was her. Leading me to wonder WHO are some of these women emailing and dating ??? Do they just come on to “window shop ?” Be validated on a daily basis ?? ie:.. “Wow you’re hot,can I take you out to dinner.We have so much in common”….LOL Possibly the “waiting for Prince Charming” syndrome ??? I’m sure all of the above. Oh and I love when a woman emails you and tells you with the “Thanks, but I’ve just met someone and want to see what develops” and then I wink at them with one of the “hottie” profiles and suddenly they’re single and available …lol Really ladies if you’re not interested ignore us & delete us we’re used to it ! Being that I consider myself a 5 or a 6 I probably do better than 90% of the guys online where as I think a very large percentage of men not only NEVER get a date they NEVER even get response. As I read most men’s profiles I feel sorry for them. They’re not only delusional but clueless. The women will always have the upper hand online but when you’re over 40 it’s online dating or bust. Their really are no other choices so you better be good at it.

    1. 78.1
      Michael

      You may be right.

      I noticed still-active profiles on my Favorites list that are at least two years old, and the women are somewhat good-looking.

  19. 79
    Mike X

    JB,

    Thanks for sharing your insight. There is a dating coach out there who has claimed to have done the same thing as you (he also claims to have dated 398 women in four years) but I don’t trust a thing he says, because I’ve tried his methods and they don’t work.

    Anyhow, you said “I put an attractive womans profile up in the same area and age range that Im in [....] Their wasnt 2 who I would email back if I was her.”

    Why? Did the responses all come from ugly guys? Was their grammar horrendous? dId thEy RiTe LikE diS?

  20. 80
    JuJu

    I think I may have mentioned it in another thread, but I remember reading in some scientific article that personal ads (of any kind, including internet) are primarily used by omega men, and are a rather hopeless resource for alpha women.

  21. 81
    JB

    Well Mike the truth is and I’m sure the women will back me up on this.There’s just an abundance of badly written boring,generic profiles with badly taken photo’s of average to unattractive men out there. There’s an equal amount of bad women’s profile’s it’s just they all ignore each other. You know what always shocks me the most ? When I see people that advertise they have a college degree and they can’t string 5 sentences together to make a coherent profile ! …LOL
    I know all about dating coach Dave M and I don’t use what he teaches but I’m sure it may work better for very attractive guys unfortunately that leaves average guys out.

  22. 82
    qazarly

    The statistics I have shown above indicate that the key problem is that women are only interested in the very top of the scale. They do not realise just how selective they are. To them men of 6ft are plentiful – in reality only 15% of the population at best.
    Most women online wouldn’t give a guy with the national average salary a second look. 50% of men will earn less than this average.
    If only 5% have the right income, and 5% have the right looks, and 15% have the right height, and 10% have the right intelligence then it follows that women will be perfectly happy with one man in 30,000 and half of them will suffer from substantial hair loss !

  23. 83
    JuJu

    That scientific work I keep referring to (it’s not actually an article, but a book on the mating behavior of humans) mentioned that if it were socially acceptable, and economically feasible, and psychologically desirable, women would mimic the mating preferences of sea lions, in the natural habitat of which 4% of the males impregnate 88% of the females.

  24. 84
    JuJu

    I sincerely thank you, qazarly. This has been most enlightening and eye-opening.

    If you have any more pertinent info, keep it coming.

  25. 85
    Kenley

    I found this quotation below and while it’s written from the male perspective, I think it applies to women too…

    I was looking for the perfect woman and I found her. Alas, all did not end well because she was looking for the perfect man!

    The problem with online dating is people think they can find perfection and my other favorite quotation is you don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. Wish more people would remember that!

  26. 86
    Kenley

    In post #85 what I really meant is that I wish more people actually believed that the right person doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. The pursuit of perfection is what keeps most people unattached.

    Qazarly,
    While statistics are useful and important overall, they don’t really matter much when your personal experience is so vastly different. And my personal experience as an average woman seeking a connection on-line is that not a whole bunch of men are seeking average women either. The whole photo thing, which is what most men and lots of women use as the first hurdle, doesn’t take into account the animal attraction that you can have with a person that defies explanation as well as your image of what is attractive about a man. I know the most potent attraction I had was with someone with whom I didn’t even think was handsome. Yet, we both shared an instant and magnetic charge that neither of us could resist. If I had seen a picture of him, I would have dismissed him without a second thought. Somestimes chemistry is not what you expect, but online dating rarely lets you get to it because most of us rely too heavily on photos to weed people in or out of our consideration set.

    But, I do remember there was one time when a guy’s profile was so compelling to me that I ignored his photo and decided to meet him. In that instance, he looked about a million times better than his photo and I experienced that red hot, instant, and mutual attraction with him. I was literally giddy after meeting him. Unfortunately, he was only interested in a casual relationship so we never made it to date two. But, the lesson I learned once again is that photos don’t always tell the whole story…sometimes they do, but not always. So, I try to give guys a chance even if their photos don’t make my heart skip a beat. Yet, I know very, very, few guys who will go out with a woman if they don’t find her physically attractive…that’s just been my personal experience. Or if they do go out with a woman they don’t find all that attractive, they let her know that they are settling, and who wants to be told — hey, you’re not what I really want, but you’re all I can get?

  27. 87
    JuJu

    Or if they do go out with a woman they dont find all that attractive, they let her know that they are settling, and who wants to be told hey, youre not what I really want, but youre all I can get?

    Wow, people really do that?!?
    That is some astounding lack of class.

    In this case, you don’t need the guy not just because he isn’t all that attracted to you, but simply because he is an ass.

    This is a truly ugly person.

  28. 88
    Jason

    When i found out about Internet dating about eight years ago i thought it was going to be the answer to my dating prayers.Im considered good looking by some of my friends,so all i had to do, i thought was put my photo online sit back and wait for dozens of emails from sexy women to come rolling in.

    OH OH !!

    No Replies after sending out ten emails,then twenty emails then thirty emails!

    What the hell is going on here?

    I was thinking was it my photo? or did i came across as to rude(far from it)

    I then starting looking for other mens Internet dating experiences and to my relief found this was normal for most men.

    What i find amazing is some of the women in the 30s with the “waiting for the prince charming” sydrome.Im 38 and ive written to women in their mid-late 30s who you would think would be bitting your hand off to go on a date due to their options being less than they were in their 20s.

    Not a bit of it i would get the “sorry your not my type” or you would see they have looked at your profile and dont even write back.I dip in and out of Internet date because its so frustrating and disheartning if your a bloke.

    The other thing that grates me is if i chatted this women up in a bar or the street im sure they would be receptive and i would be able to get thier phone numbers,You cant convey sexual chemistry on the interent,and thats a big part of attraction.

    Jason

    1. 88.1
      J

      Excuse me, but I’m a woman in my early thirties (32 to be exact) and I am NOT biting anyone’s hand off to go out with me! My options are a lot better now than when I was in my twenties, because I’m much better looking now than I was then, even if I am a little older. Don’t assume that just because a woman isn’t 24 anymore, she has few options. Just because I’m 32 now, I’m not allowed to have standards and hold out for a guy I find attractive? Please. I’ve gotten a very steady stream of attention during my time online. Don’t assume that a woman over 30 has little chance of success just because she’s “older”.

  29. 89
    Kenley

    Jason,

    From what I’ve heard, I don’t think you would actually like a woman who was biting her hand off to go on a date you with you — she would ooze desperation and most men don’t think desperation is attractive jewelery on a woman. The other thing is that your assumption that these women have less options than they did in their 20s may not be true. If these women weren’t on the internet in their 20s, it may actually feel like they have way more options than they did when they were younger because they are getting hundreds of emails a week. In the real world, I don’t think many women get hit on by hundreds of men in a week. So relative to the 20 somethings she’s competing with today, the mid-late 30 year old has fewer guys trying to woo her, but relative to her younger self, she may actually be overwhelmed.

  30. 90
    Joe

    qazarly (#82), that is not quite inaccurate. 50% of men earn the median–not the average–salary or less.

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