How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn't Interested in Me?

I haven’t found a solution for this. How does a 56 year old man find a good younger woman that would be interested in marriage and willing to have children by him? She would need to be 36 to 38. Most good sites line me up with the 50 year olds and most 36 year olds tend to think I’m a dirty old man.  I know that such a person exists but can’t find a good avenue to find her. I am fairly well to do and well educated.

Dale

Thank you, Dale, for acknowledging a few very common truths from the world of online dating.

You’re a successful older man who wants to date a woman significantly younger than him.

Websites generally attempt to pair singles with matches who are demographically similar.

Most 36-year-old women think you’re a dirty old man.

Now you’re going to get the same song and dance as every other guy who has written to complain about women on the Internet. I’m going to put you in HER shoes.

So let’s say you’re a 36-year-old woman, entering the prime of your life. You’re done with the bar scene and you’re very much interested in settling down to have a family of your own. How do you set your search criteria? Well, if you’re born in 1971, you’re part of Generation X. You went to high school in the 80’s. Your friends are buying their first houses and having their first kids. You probably want something that looks similar. So you search for men 35-45. Yeah, 45 is a little old, you say, but you want to be open-minded. Maybe he’ll still be vigorous enough to keep up with your active lifestyle.

And then you, the 36-year-old woman, post your profile, and what happens? You get BOMBARDED by emails from fifty and sixty something Baby Boomers looking to trade up in the world. You double check your profile to see if there’s something you wrote that’s attracting these older men. You remove that reference to Steely Dan. You cut how you want to travel in style. Yet these men keep on writing – talking about how they’re young for their age, how they’d love to have children, how they have everything in life except a good younger woman.

If you’re 36, you’re pretty darned confused by these emails. By the time you have your first child, you’ll be 38 or 39. Which will make him, what? 58 or 59? By the time the kid is in high school, Dad will be 74! That’s not the kind of life you imagined for yourself or your children. So you politely decline. Or, to keep things simple, you ignore. And ignore. And ignore. It doesn’t stop older men from writing, but at least you don’t have to explain yourself to a man who doesn’t want to hear your perfectly valid explanation.

Understand, Dale, there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire online has choices. Lots and lots of choices.

She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50. Are you getting the idea? This does not mean that you’re not a great guy with a ton to give and the purest intentions. It’s that you’re failing to recognize what most younger women want. A peer. A partner. Not a father figure. You’re still wrapped up in what YOU want.

Needless to say, this goes for ALL people who are dating online. … We want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. We’re all so dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people who are a much better fit. Who are you going to have more in common with? The woman who graduated high school in the same year as you? Or the woman who could be your daughter?

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” say all of my clients – both male and female. And hey, I don’t blame them. I do know, however, that as long as they close their minds to dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle with online dating.

I know you were looking for advice, Dale, so I don’t want to leave you without it. As I see it, you have three options. One, sign up with one of those successful men/younger women sites. At least you know that a woman on MillionaireMatch might be more willing to sacrifice youth for security.

Next, since you can’t convince someone to date an older man, stop trying. To find out who IS interested, try Match.com’s Reverse Match. Instead of searching through hundreds of thirtysomething women who wouldn’t give you a second look, Reverse Match shows you who IS open to dating a 56-year-old man. There’ll be fewer numbers, but at least you won’t be wasting your time.

Finally, I implore you to give older women a shot. There are a lot of amazing ones out there and they are criminally underappreciated.

Let’s just hope that they don’t discriminate against men their own age.

 

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Comments:

  1. 31
    hunter

    to dale,

    …your younger bride is out there,….just, try and stay away from the “sexy” women…….

  2. 32
    J

    Just a reply to Mattie –

    Hey there, Mattie – I am in agreement with you, I too place Evan and Mrs. Vee at the top of my personal polls. Though I would place you and your sage, and well-worded thoughtful and thought out advice, up there as well.

    I appreciate the shout out and the well wishes. Very much so.

    I am sorry to hear that you too are struggling – though I think that just goes with the territory of being a writer or any kind of artist at times. Doesn’t make it any easier – just expected : ) Are you a financial specialist in terms of your journo position, or is it a separate occupation for you?

    In any case, if your what you write is anything like what you post, then your pieces are as edifying as they are edifying as they are entertaining.

    Your comments about your knickers not being in twist were the bees knees, to be sure. Didn’t mean to imply that yours might be ; ) – just borrowing a British term. But I absolutely adored your response, nonetheless.

    I suppose it is ironic that I am trying to pen romance novels and still find myself struggling in the dating department. Thank god for so many learning and research opportunities of all kinds, including this blog.

    I have a Journalism degree and a Baking & Pastry Arts degree (have worked in fields utilizing each), but am currently working for a Brand Invention and Reinvention firm (and have for the last 10 years), working also to start a business editing and writing Personal Legacy Letters/Ethical Wills and/or Memoirs in addition to writing novels. And may also go to school soon for Medical Transcription as it is a much needed service that pays pretty well if one is quite proficient and prolific and the better I can listen and assimilate info and the faster I can type will serve me well with both the books and my fledgeling business.

    Consulting is a business that inherently has a lot of ebbs in flows in terms of the work available, the need for consultants, and the money that is up for grabs in terms of branding projects.

    Has been a down time for a bit.

    Staying afloat and getting ahead is definitely trying right now, but am hopeful that I can do whatever I must for a better and brighter future. Not just financially, but in many aspects of my life. Have learned a great deal about people, relationships, writing, business, what I have to give and what I want out of life. Now just going about putting it into practice.

    Thank you for the encouragement, Mattie.

    All the best and good luck to you as well,

    J

  3. 33
    Mattie

    J – thank you so much for your kind words, and for telling me what you’re up to. What a very interesting combination of skills you have, and are obviously acquiring even more: may they all combine to make you richly-deserved riches!

    Evan and everyone else: please forgive a direct post off-subject. Please! Sorry.

    Most of what I write professionally is complete cobblers, frankly. Thankfully, none of it matters a tinker’s damn – especially since nobody else in financial journalism seems to know what they’re on about, either!

    Yes, this is one good reason I find Evan and all you posters so refreshing: basically, you’re all concerned with truth -honesty, sincerity, reality – and maintain a respectful, collegial standard of debate while moving towards more personal discoveries.

    Many moons ago, I worked in market research and I got so bored I used to make up, er, a certain proportion of the raw data. Since when I do not trust surveys of any kind. (Although my crime paid, as the boss sussed me and promptly booted me into copywriting – thereby allowing far more scope for my, er, imagination!)

    Used to be senior comms management in FTSE company; ex-director of ag agency; ex-corporate comms consultant. Survived redundancy x 2, followed by critical illness; but ageism can’t be overcome. Now, among other things (when I can get ‘em), I write on b2l (‘buy-to-let’ – residential property investment market). Although the property market is heading inexorably for the plughole.

    So am currently contemplating returning to France (career began in Paris) to teach persons francais how to gub the s*** out of persons anglophones in ‘le business’. Not much of a challenge, given fact that the PFs, deigning to put in a mere 2/3 of the manhours of their British equivalents, yet manage to be TWICE as productive as ‘les rosbifs’ …

    Hope I am not speaking out of turn, here – but in UK there is a Romantic Novelists’ Association – is there US equivalent? I believe our lot runs courses or may be able to provide advice, moral support, etc. Publishers Mills & Boon specialise in this sphere, and have detailed guidelines for prospective authors (they apparently pay relatively generously, too). Also check out websites of Elizabeth Chadwick and Katie Fforde; these might be helpful or encouraging …? Although I’m sure you must have your own, impeccable research resources at hand.

    Best of luck, bon courage – and keep going: in the film ‘Throw Momma from the Train’ (aw, sweet …!), the writer-characters’ battle cry = ‘Remember: writers write – always!’

    I suppose the same applies to the search for love.

    Mattie xx

  4. 34
    Shari

    Mattie – to step into your conversation here….

    There is a US equivalent of the UK’s Romantic Novelists’ Association, it’s called the Romance Writers of America (RWA) and there is a website that can direct aspiring novelists to various local groups who could help them along the way.

  5. 35
    J

    Hey Mattie and Shari (Shari – thanks for letting us know about RWA)-

    Thank you so much Mattie for the kind words and for the encouragement and info! Going to keep this shorter than I normally would since is still on a personal topic.

    Shari is right – about RWA, of which I am a member. And I belong to GRW (Georgia Romance Writers), a local chapter of RWA in GA. Fabulous group of very diverse and successful author – many of whom are on the NY Times Bestseller List and/or have had their novels made into movies and such. Also a bunch of really great “unpubs” to date. They sponsor the Maggie Awards, and M&M Conference and we have workshops, speakers, etc.

    Thank you again for sharing. I enjoyed getting to know you a bit better as well as gaining some more interesting, and valuable, perspective.

    Best of luck to you – if you go back to France, or wherever you land and whatever you do!

    Ciao for now,
    J

  6. 36
    Geek Dating

    Hey just be yourself and the right person will come along.

  7. 37
    Jim Peters

    The solution to your problem is you need to stop trying to date western (especially native-English speaking) women. There are millions and millions of 18-23 year old beautiful women that would kill to date a man like you. Except they live in Ukraine, Brazil, Russia, Thailand, Mexico, etc.

    1. 37.1
      Adele

      in response to that:

      Or, they are after your green card.

      1. 37.1.1
        NASHWC

        Adele, the ‘green card’ argument is well worn out .. surprised you didn’t use the ‘mail order bride’ phrase too. Frankly, a woman looking for a ‘green card’ has a much, much lower impact on a man vs. the westernized women demanding half of all (his) assets when the divorce arrives. From a risk impact perspective, I’ll take the ‘green card’ over the alternative any day. BTW, American male/foreign (non-Westernized) female divorce rates are about 40% lower than those where both are American.  It’s a cultural thing ..

  8. 38
    JuJu

    Year after year I saw this one woman put up her profile on this one site (which I visited pretty much once a year =), or even less often), who kept saying how much she’d like to become a mother. She was in her early 40′s and obese, like, 280 lb at least (there was a picture). Would Dale consider someone like that?

  9. 39
    Sabina

    Evan,
    Thank God someone FINALLY said this. Everyone is so afraid to speak the truth about this situation because they are afraid of hurting the older man’s feelings. What about the older women who are offended by him, as well as the younger women who are offended that someone that age would even think that he was worthy of them? There are 93 million single people running around this country right now. This is the reason why; women, whether they are 22, 32 or even 52, all want to date a man close to their age, (4 to 5 years younger or 5 to 7 years older). Men all want to date a woman 10 to 15 or even 20 years younger. God forbid they should find someone 10 to 20 years younger interested in them. Because when they do, they will have likely hooked up with a woman who is after them strictly for their money and as soon as she has it, will leave them broke and heart-broke. Or the other alternative might be that he will find a woman who is actually LOOKING for a father figure. A woman who wants to have sex with her father is a wack job from the get-go. Not to mention the sexual imcompatibility of a younger woman-older man combination.
    Well said Evan!

  10. 40
    hunter

    Sabina, on Post #39

    You speak the truth. My wingman, dates attractive women 20 years younger, only because, of his good looks, that he can do that. He was married for 5 years, widowed, and has been dating the rest of his life,(he is now late 50′s) only because, pretty, young women continue to go out with him………I try and stay close, just to catch the crumbs off his dinner table……hhhhmmmhh….LOL!…….women do say he is a nice guy….

  11. 41
    JB

    Sabina “Men all want to date a woman 10 to 15 or even 20 years younger.”

    Don’t say ALL ! You’re WRONG !!! I’m 47 and I know a lot of guys my age who would be completely happy with a woman OUR AGE that we were ATTRACTED to. I’d certainly rather go out with a woman my age who was attractive than a woman 15 yrs younger who was UNATTRACTIVE.

    1. 41.1
      Kelly

      So JB, If there were two women you were attracted to and all things equal between them except their age, would you choose the woman your age or the one 10 – 15 years younger?
      And women out there reading this, how about you? All things equal and both attractive to you, would you date the one closer to your age or the one younger than you? Me personally; I would choose the 55 yo over the 45 yo…I’m 52.

  12. 42
    qazarly

    One word describes a 38 year old woman wanting a family – DESPERATE ! Cue sound of biological alarm clock screaming!
    I do not think a high value male in his early forties will find this person particularly attractive, as he has plenty of time to settle down before raising a family. The guy in his fifties wants to start a family now. Logically they are a good match.

    I think this shows the problem with on-line dating because it gives the illusion that the woman has options, when in reality she may have few.
    Isn’t there a recent study that shows that in the real world men are marrying women 7 years on average younger in their forties and 11 years or more younger in their fifties. That is the reality.
    It looks like the answer is to forget on-line dating.

    1. 42.1
      Julia

      That’s such an unfair characterization.  Why is the 38 year old woman who wants to have a baby “desperate” while the 56 year old man who perhaps FINALLY realizes he’d like to pass on his genetic makeup NOT desperate?  Wanting a baby is a perfectly normal desire and doesn’t make a woman desperate.  If she had been desperate, she probably would have searched for a man, any man, when she was young and super fertile.  Most likely, if she wants a baby and hasn’t married, it’s because she was holding out for LOVE as well, not just a man who finds her sexually attractive and a good baby-maker.  And if the woman really feels “desperate” to have a child can, if she wants to spend the money and do it alone, go to sperm bank and get a baby.  The man can’t do that, making him the more desperate one in this situation.  Now if a man reaches the age of 56 and hasn’t married because he never found a compatible partner and was also looking for love, he has my complete empathy.  But if he didn’t look for marriage and children because he wanted to keep having fun with lots of women and figured he could always find a younger woman whenever he felt like it, he has made a mistake and has only himself to blame. 

    2. 42.2
      Lisa

      Odds of a man marrying a woman 5-9 yr younger are 12%
      Odds of man marrying a woman 10+years younger are 7%
      (2006 census data)
      If you Google, “Men’s biological clock” you will find 15 years of studies showing men’s fertility declines with age, as does the quality of their sperm.
      The older a man is the harder it is for him to get a woman pregnant. At age 35 a man is 50x more likely to take a year or more to get a woman pregnant then if he was 25. One study showed if you are a woman between 34-38 your chances of getting pregnant are cut in half if the man is over 40. Success rates for ivf drop once a man hits 40. The last study I read showed a man’s fertility drops significantly between 41-45 with just 35% of his fertility left at 45. It will typically take 5x longer for a woman to get pregnant if the man is 45-49 so she may be looking at years to get pregnant, not months. You are also 5x more likely to have a miscarriage if your partner is over 40 and 10x if he is over 50. 
      For decades most fertility problems were assumed to be related to the female because no ever studied age and male fertility. Sperm is not the same quality in older men.
      Advanced age in men is now linked to a higher incidence of several diseases including down’s syndrome, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and autism. One if four incidences of schizophrenia is now connected to men over 40 having children.

      1. 42.2.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Don’t believe this at all: “At age 35 a man is 50x more likely to take a year or more to get a woman pregnant then if he was 25. One study showed if you are a woman between 34-38 your chances of getting pregnant are cut in half if the man is over 40. Success rates for ivf drop once a man hits 40. The last study I read showed a man’s fertility drops significantly between 41-45 with just 35% of his fertility left at 45. It will typically take 5x longer for a woman to get pregnant if the man is 45-49 so she may be looking at years to get pregnant, not months. You are also 5x more likely to have a miscarriage if your partner is over 40 and 10x if he is over 50.” Your case would be a lot more credible if you didn’t make it so hyperbolic. Sounds to me like you want this to be true – to make it seem like women and men face the exact same fertility issues but that’s not how it works. Yes, male perm motility goes down as men get older. Yes, there is an increased risk in autism. But your statistics are highly misleading, to say the least. The greater point is that men don’t have to panic about pregnancy when they’re 38-42. Women do. It ain’t fair, but that’s life.

        1. Lisa

          I have not made up any of these studies. If you would like me to link to sites containing this information,  I would be happy to. There are some good articles on it in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times.
          A recent study was able to separate the impact of a woman’s age from the man’s age by looking at women in fertility clinics who were implanted with embryos of healthy 20 somethings. The older the woman’s partner was ,the less chance she had of conceiving. Men at 40 had a 60 percent success rate, but by 45 that had dropped to 35%.  The same rates occurred with research done on mice.
          I understand that this is very hard news for men to hear and that there needs to be more research on it, but the data out there is troubling and younger women should be made aware of it.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          Okay, but women who are 40 have a 5% chance of conceiving naturally in any given month and a 1% chance at age 43… So even if everything you’re saying is on the up and up, that still doesn’t even the playing field. Again, there’s no value judgment against infertile women, but you’re making a false equivalence that doesn’t wash in real life. Men don’t have to worry nearly as much about “advanced paternity age” as women have to worry about “advanced maternity age” and I’m not sure how you can spin it otherwise.

        3. Erica

          I think the point is that for both men AND women it makes more sense biologically to pick younger partners if they want to procreate.

           

        4. Evan Marc Katz

          That only works within reason, Erica. A 42-year-old man can probably get a 35-year-old woman. A 42-year-old woman will have a hard time getting a 35-year-old man.

        5. RustyLH

          Erica, the idea is not for a woman to wait until 40 and then try to find a father for her children who is 5 to 15 years younger…the idea is for young women to stop putting off motherhood, unless they are willing to face the very increased possibility of never having children. I think many 30+ women were unfairly misled. In the zeal to report ground breaking events, or make it appear that science was solving many problems, the media misled women to believe that they could postpone motherhood until they were into their 40s. The truth is, that’s not completely true. The age range when women should be trying to have children is 25 to 35. Not 35 to 45 Women have bought into the false notion that they could have it all. Well no they can’t and neither can men. Nobody can have it all. Or very very very few people.

      2. 42.2.2
        RustyLH

        Lisa, you need to stop using outdated information. If your numbers are not made up, it appears that dating and marrying someone 5 and 10+ years older is on the rise, because the numers have doubled in just 6 years.

        About three-quarters (77 percent) had spouses whose ages were within 5 years of one another compared with two-thirds (68 percent) of opposite-sex cohabiters and 60 percent of same-sex couples. Same-sex couples were less similar in age: one-fifth of the couples (21 percent) had a partner who was at least 10 years older than the other, twice as high as opposite-sex married couples.
        Source: http://www.census.gov/prod/2013pubs/p20-570.pdf Pg. 20

        In other words, a man has a much much better chance of finding a wife more than 5 years younger (over 20%) and a decent chance at finding one 10+ years older at about 10.5%. Those are 2012 numbers, not your 2006 numbers.

  13. 43
    Janet

    Is everyone missing something here?….the fact that it’s just creepy.
    I am 52 and a 70 or 80 year old man after me is just plain creepy and sick….stick to your own age. It fits better.

    1. 43.1
      RustyLH

      Janet, you problem is that you think everyone thinks just like you, or that they should think just like you. It’s a selfish notion. People have a right to their own preferences, and if those preferences are unrealistic, it is up to them to decide it is to their benefit to change.

      But it is unrealistic and selfish to think that everyone must think alike. I know women (white, Asian, and Latino) that are repulsed by black men. Should one who does like black men have to listen to their opinion? No. We all have a right to our preferences. But we also have the responsibility that goes along with it. If we are too choosy and or have a preference that is unrealistic, again, that is on us, and if we end up alone, it is our own fault.

  14. 44
    Mo

    This article made me laugh aloud. I’m a 36 year old woman who has online dated off and on. I count even count how many times I’ve b*tched to my gf’s about this exact thing! I like to joke that I’m very popular with the 50 and over crowd! I just don’t get it! What frustrates me the most is that men DO NOT READ a person’s profile to check for a person’s age preference, etc and will email you because they think you’re cute. The oldest I’ve gotten was 60. I usually ignore and delete these emails but have to tell you that I get tempted from time to time to email back and tell them my dad is 59!

  15. 45
    JuJu

    Mo,

    I once actually replied to someone (I was 26 or 27, and the man in question looked at least 55 on his pic), “Did you really think you stood a chance? You look older than my father!”

    To which he said, “Well, why not, some of my girlfriends were younger and/or prettier than you.”

    I guess I asked for it. :-D

    I may have wrote back that he should go to them in that case, since I don’t share their problems; but I don’t remember if I did. ;-)

  16. 46
    Hot Alpha Female

    Its easy to get dishearted and then to start generalizing.

    Like all the women don’t like older men.

    All the women this …

    All the women that ….

    And then you get caught up thinking that this is the reality. Well the truth is, that you only need ONE WOMAN and she maybe be an EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.

    Enjoy the dating process, don’t focus too much on outcome and more on fun.

    Then you will be more able to attract someone who is right for you.

    Thumbs up Evan, some great advice

    Hot Alpha Female

    1. 46.1
      hunter

      I would have to say, most men on this blog need more than one woman to date. On account of them having little dating experience.

    2. 46.2
      Steve

      HotAlpha Female writes:
      “And then you get caught up thinking that this is the reality. Well the truth is, that you only need ONE WOMAN and she maybe be an EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.”
      Ah yes, the old ‘you just need one’ argument. The only catch is, if you’re not good looking, you won’t be able to find that one only because you can’t get any dates, thanks to a society that overemphasizes physical appearance and condescendingly tells people who can’t find partners that they just need to improve themselves and the right one will magically appear. The subtext that exists underneath the ‘improve yourself’ exhortation is that “you’re not good enough as you are, so you have to improve yourself”.

      Unfortunately, for a lot of men, the “all the women this, that” IS their reality, and it’s driven by female hypergamy, or their attempts to mate with the top 20% of the male population despite not being part of the top 20% of the female population. The end result is that 80% of the men out there can’t get dates or find partners, and if they do, it’s only with great difficulty.

      Women keep raising the bar endlessly and demanding more and more from men, thinking that they’re all that and a bag of chips, too and that they can infinitely ratchet up their demands. They don’t seem to realize that endlessly raising the bar will eventually cause all men to fold, as they might in a poker game, and vote with their feet. Many women do not realize that the next demographic trend is going to be tens of millions of single women being left alone, with only cats for company, because they priced themselves out of the market and insisted on treating men like garbage. But they’ll still be telling themselves they’re hot shit alpha females and saying “You go, grrl!”
      It’s the same old story: what goes around, comes around.
       
       
       

      1. 46.2.1
        starthrower68

        Wow, what did cats ever do to you? ;-)

      2. 46.2.2
        RustyLH

        I will admit that when I hear a woman say, “I know my worth,” I immediately imagine a woman who has read self help books, attended seminars, etc.. that tell her to imagine where she wants to be, and simply decide that she is worth that.   It’s kind of funny when you can see that he really is being unrealistic.  Funny in a sad way.  You are right.  Many women will end up single.  I think that at the present time we have a record percentage of women who reach 40 having never been married or having had a child.  IMHO that is due two factors.  First, the men no longer need to get married to have sex.  And second, because of that, the top 20% run around from woman to woman.   Many of those women are not in the top 20%.  So I have met many women who are a 6-8, who simply can’t bring themselves to “settle” for a 6-8, because they’ve had a taste of the 9 or 10′s…often.  But then those guys marry a 9 or 10, and then the 6-8′s end up bitter.  This is what many of us 6-8 men run into with the women close to our age.  Bitterness.   

  17. 47
    Rachelle

    That is so true! I had a guy friend tell me that he was cruising the profiles and saw a gorgeous gal who was in her early 20′s. He read on and she stated in her profile that she only dates men over 40. That floored him! To each their own. =)

  18. 48
    Michael

    Also, when a woman sees that the guy is looking for much younger women to have his children, she tends to feel objectified. Again, those looking for marriage and family generally want the whole solid relationship. This includes being with a partner that loves and respects them for their individual traits. When he says he wants a wife to bear his children – a woman may feel as if she is only being valued for her womb. It is a pretty icky feeling to be on the receiving end of that type of attention.
    Having a family is a good reason to get married.

    If the goal is to make babies, marrying someone who is 21 would be optimal if fertility were the only factor calculated. (Of course, most women that age do not want kids yet.)

  19. 49
    Michael

    I have sent e-mails to dozens of women, and very few hav e ever replied. One of them who did reply back mentioned that she has a boyfriend.

    I have noticed that some of the active profiles on my favorites lists were there for at least two years. Maybe they have similar luck.

  20. 50
    JuJu

    Btw, now that you reminded us of this letter, I have a question: what did this man think about until he turned 56? Did he really think that he has until the end of his life to father children or something? He squanders his life away and now some much younger woman has to be at peace with a really high risk of bearing unhealthy offspring?

  21. 51
    JuJu

    That’s not to mention all the other “joys” of getting old, obviously.

  22. 52
    Ted

    I have a male friend, 43,  who is well dressed and earns a great income but has a face that will make a freight train take a dirt road. He turned 40 and never had a serious date. Finally… 3 years ago he visited the Philippines … Cebu City. He brought back a 27 year old, former beauty queen, who is a living angel.   They are very happy, they have a 2 year old son and plan on having 2 more kids.  Remember Western men, to most of the world…YOU are a Rockstar, the world REALLY is your oyster. If you are butt ugly or a little long in the tooth… don’t settle… buy a plane ticket.  

  23. 53
    Olderdude

    I absolutely agree its going to be extremely difficult for an older man to meet a younger women online because women don’t respond to the “idea” of dating an older man, for all the reasons mentioned in the article.

    Instead, an older man will have MUCH better results if he gets himself out and personally interacts with younger women.  In this situation, its about the personality factor.  If you have some charm and know how to approach women, if you can strike up a conversation and be playful, if you can make her smile or laugh, the chances are MUCH better that she will see your personal qualities, not just the ‘sterile’ profile information.

    That’s not to suggest the chances will be as good as they would be if the age disparity were much less.  They won’t be, but the chances are a helluva lot better than doing it online, where the woman is going to get nothing about your personality, sense of humor, and other personal factors, which might spark a little bit of connection or chemistry that will cause her to see beyond the age difference.

    I’m middle-aged and I’ve charmed the pants off (literally) my share of women who were 15 ~ 18 years younger (BTW, all of them EXCEEDED the age of consent).  In addition, I’ve met-up with a few younger women to hang-out together for the day or even the weekend, just enjoying each other’s company, where it did not lead to sex (and I wasn’t disappointed in the least).  No pressure or expectations.  I’m a pretty good date and listener, I can chat about a lot of things, I have a good sense of humor, I’m not bad on the dance floor.

    And no, I’m not wealthy.  Far from it, I make slightly less than the median annual income for the US.  I own a modest home, I drive a pretty sensible car.  I don’t wear expensive designer clothing.  I don’t shower these girls with gifts or take them to expensive/exclusive restaurants.  Maybe a little bit upscale, but not expensive or exclusive.  I don’t always pay for everything, often times we go dutch.  I’m not leading man Hollywood attractive but I’m a real decent looking guy for my age.  I take care of myself and stay fit.

    I just get out there and try to hit it off with someone on a personal level, and sometimes it works.  I get rejected plenty of times, too, but so do young men trying to pick-up young women.  Oh, and it helps that I’m not looking for a baby maker or a housekeeper, either.  I’m pretty certain that some of the women I’ve met were open to a long term committed relationship but most of them weren’t really interested in that.  But you gotta start somewhere, you have to get your foot in the door, and its not going to happen by putting yourself out there as “Older guy seeking younger woman for marriage and children.”  Forget about it.  This will only get you a gold digger (even then, gold diggers are highly selective).

    Oh, and don’t go to clubs where you will stick out like a sore thumb because you’re by far the oldest dude in the joint.  A friend of mine can get away with that because he is some kind of genetic freak and looks a full 10 years younger than he is.  So most women peg him for 30 “ish” when he’s actually 41.  I can’t quite do that, I can easily pass for four or five years younger but not 10 (I’m 42).
    I might also have some uncommon advantage in that I’ve been told several times there is just something about my eyes that is intriguing.  I’ve even had one young woman say to me “When you started chatting me up, I actually thought OMG this older dude is going to hit on me.  But there is something about your eyes that is disarming and I couldn’t stop stealing a peek at them.”  So maybe my luck wouldn’t be as good without that.  I don’t know, but whatever works.

  24. 54
    starthrower68

    I think this falls under the category of “because I WANT it”.

  25. 55
    Tony Whelton

    <IMHO>
    I feel for frustrated women in their late 30s/40s, but it’s the way of the world. It’s no secret that Men tend to date younger, and women tend to date older. Whether or not there are kids involved, men have evolved to be attracted to prime reproductive qualities, and women to prime resources and support for the offspring (sorry older guys, you’ve got the resources but being 80 while they’re in college isn’t going to offer much support!). Unless they are absolute rockstars, men in their early 20s have a much more difficult time dating because even if it seemed comfortable to them to date older, the chance that those women are going to want to date him over their slightly older, more mature and financially stable options available to them is fairly small, and dating into the high school scene isn’t really an option either, so the pool of available dates is pretty small. The frustration pays off though, because from the late 20s to 40s the size of the pool of eligible dates explodes. Although the sexual leverage, and therefore dating sway of a women in her 20s is unparalelled, it comes with a much shorter shelf life. Lack of decisiveness regarding willing mates, being too picky about mates lacking ideal qualities (not being willing to ‘settle’, a.k.a. compromise) will most likely end up in a search that extends past the shelf life of their primary leverage, and will probably end up not only in less favorable ‘settling’, but the knowledge that the male is ‘settling’ for them as well.
    The pervasiveness of the prince charming romance fallacy, and the perspective that it’s downright immoral to accept *anything* less than you’re ideal mate, are both things that hurt women. (well, women and men, but women MUCH more-so.) Encourage realistic dating perspectives with the young people you know.
    </IMHO>

    1. 55.1
      Lisa

       
      The older a man gets the less likely it is he will marry. Marriage rates for men 45+ are only about 30% (for women its 25%), though more divorced people are opting to live together instead of remarrying. More and more divorced women are opting not to remarry, a trend that has been growing since the 70s when it first became a financial option. Men are more inclined to remarry, but most don’t.
      Once again, your odds of marrying a woman 5-9 yrs younger are 12% and 10+ years younger are 7%.
      Census data 2006
       

      1. 55.1.1
        Lisa

        Sorry, I meant to say “remarriage rates”. I don’t know what the odds of a man marrying if he is 40+.

  26. 56
    Chris

    One thing you are forgetting i that after 50 there are approximately 3 single women for every 2 single men.  So if over 50 males only go for women close to their own age that will leave a lot of women with no mates.

    1. 56.1
      Julia

      And if the men over 50 won’t date women their own ages at all, that leaves even MORE women with no men.   I’m 50 and single and don’t want to date a man who is 70 or 80.  Sorry, much older men.  I’m already taking care of my elderly parents and I’m not looking to take care of a third older person.   What a wonderful world it would be if more people could find partners at least close to their own age and be happy with a peer.

  27. 57
    so very true

    as a straight man that was married twice at one time, i was a very caring and loving husband that never cheated on them. they both did cheat on me, and i was very committed to them as well. i never did anything wrong to have this happen to me. had i known that they were no good to begin with, i obviously would have never married them.  it seems very hard to meet another woman for me again, on line dating is very scary to me. most of the women out there now are whores and lesbians which does add to the problem of meeting good women today. i hate to talk like this, but it is very true. they play very hard to get, and it seems the ones that do like men have to have as many men at one time to keep them happy.  god forbid, if they would only have one to be with. then their are the lesbians, they are a disease since they only want women to be with. so you should not blame me for being so bitter about women since many of them are pigs today. i just want to meet a good straight woman today, for me it would be like winning the lottery. whatever happened to the good women that were out there years ago? where are they today?  even the ones that seem to be straight, have a very bad attitude and are very nasty when i try to start a conversation with them. either way, i cannot seem to win. being alone and single now, sure sucks for me.  the men out there that have been very lucky to have met the right woman for them and have a family, should go to church to pray and thank god for what they have because it is the men like us that are hurting now and have no one.  this is a good reason why i will go out every night just not to be home by myself, and hope to be at the right place at the right time to meet another hopefully a good woman for me this time around.

  28. 58
    Pat

    As a relatively young female, I have to agree with Evan all the way.  

    When I was in my 20s, I wouldn’t give a man in his 30s (let alone older) a second glance.  It really disgusted me and my friends when they approached us.  Now, in my early 30s, I still have no desire to be with a man in his 40s.  And I haven’t met a single girl in my entire life that wanted to be with a much older man.   NOT ONE!  We want men our own age, plus or minus 5 years.  

    If you are a man in your 40s or 50s and want a woman in her 20s or 30s, you are severely limiting your dating options and you will likely stay single a long, long time.  If you want kids so bad, I suggest finding a woman your own age and adopting an older child (like an 8 – 10 yr old).  I think it is supremely selfish when older men (50s+) want to START having kids.  These men will most likely kick off before the kid is grown!  If you adopt an older kid, it will more likely be grown by the time you die, AND you get to be with a woman your own age that you can actually relate to, AND you’re keeping a kid out of the foster-care system.  Win-win-win!

    Just because a man CAN have kids later in life, doesn’t mean he SHOULD.  It actually DEFIES biology, because in nature the alpha males are often usurped as they age by younger, stronger, healthier males, who become the next generation of alpha males to monopolize the females.  Males don’t usually get to keep fathering offspring into old age.  So not only is it creepy to do so, but it is unnatural.

    And for Jim Peters (#37) and Ted, if you think you can buy a nice, young woman from an underprivileged background in a foreign country, go for it.  But if it ends in divorce after she gets her green card, half your assets, and the hot, young pool boy – you reap what you sow.  

    Thanks, you’ve been a great audience.  :D  

  29. 59
    queenfluff

    I can’t tell you how sick it is for an old dude like this to want someone this young. Why didn’t you think about this when you were younger? And just so you know women in their 40s can have babies too! (what kind of a baby making age range is 36 to 38??? As long as a women is stil having their period they have a chance to have babies). When I was in my 20s, my friends and I always thought it creepy when the old dudes slunk around us at bars. Guys it is just NOT attractive and don’t fool yourself it is. If any super young women goes for it, check how much they want your money (if you have any).

    I am 42 now and no one ever guesses I am my age because I look 10 to 15 years younger than am and secondly, I don’t act old (er). When I was in my 20s and 30s I got tons of dudes emailing me on the online sites – now nothing – even though I honestly have only aged a tad in looks (Honestly that is the truth). I am nice and thin and in better shape than most of the women I meet that are 20s years younger than me. A man my age should have no reason to complain BUT unfortunately it isn’t just about the looks – you could be more gorgeous than the 18 year old walking past you. Some older men are just shallow and honestly, unless the guys profile was completely compatiable with mine, if he was around my age and I saw that shallow and superficial age range of 20 to 45 (and this means a guy my age 42) I know what I am dealing with and won’t even bother.
    17 years younger but only 3 years older – you are not ALL that guy!

    Sometimes I wonder if these men email me because none of the 20 somethings will respond. And most of these men are NOT good looking. Sorry but money isn’t going to get you everything – a younger women still wants to be able to look at you and not think of her dad. I do not want to deal with a man that can’t face reality. Dude you are OLD and getting a younger women isn’t going to change that – I don’t care if they are 12! Why is that some of these men can’t get that through their heads but except us women of the same age to except that WE are getting old and should have to face the fact that most men will not be interested in us (even if we are still super gorgeous as the 20 year olds)? Like it is our faults we got older (hey I would have loved to stay 27 myself!)

    One thing I find hilarous about this whole phenomena is how when these younger-seeking men and I were both in our 20s – I was fine for them to date. Everyone I knew dated people around their own age back than (maybe it was just the times back than?? the 90s) but now all of a sudden I am too old for them – hows that guys? You are just as old as me (sorry for that horrible shot of reality but you are!) I honestly believe these men are just delusional and maybe it is good they are that way so they stay away from me! I don’t want their immature insecure ways around me! I want a guy who has grown up and accepted himself and his age and isn’t looking to live in a fantasy land.

    If I were an older guy like this, I wouldn’t want to end up with a girl so young that she will think me grandpa in a few years time.

  30. 60
    Ray

    I think it is funny that every man over 40 trying to get into the shorts of women in their 20′s and 30′s defaults to the line that they want to have children.

    I’m betting most of the don’t… or would be just fine not having children.  This is just a convenient pick up line for older men wanting some younger tail.

    I see lots of posters like bragging how much younger tail they get, or use scare tactics on women that we need to settle for them… or else.  Naaa.  Things are changing. 

    The dating world is opening up for women of all ages… the ones who take care of themselves and have interesting things to talk about that is.  

    Older men are great for friendships and mentors though…. which is how it should be.  I have many.  The classy ones enjoy my company and that is that.  The crass ones who won’t shut up about wanting to have sex with me, I kick to the curb.  Men who want sex with women young enough to be their daughters are like pedophiles in my book.  Its disgusting.
     

    1. 60.1
      RustyLH

      I agree that things are opening up for women, but they are also opening up for men. And both can give thanks to the internet for that. I think all we can do is work on ourselves and also learn what works for you. But trying new things can also work for you. How many people are willing to try new things? I think most are not. Evan seems to advocate heavily in that direction. Even then, most are willing to try new things in the less healthy direction, ie., if the window was to narrow, such a woman being 36 and only wanting to date 32 to 40…when expanding that window, she may go 26 to 42, putting the emphasis on younger men who while more attractive, are less likely to commit. And men do the same thing.

      I think you have to be realistic about the economic forecast of where you are dating. If women there are getting quality dates from men very close to their age, they will be less likely to date and older guy. If however, they aren’t finding men their age, or younger, who are satisfactory, they will respond better to an older man.

      Just yesterday, I had a great conversation on facebook chat with a woman I had been referred to. The woman doing the referring is a member at my church and is Brazilian. We have many Brazilians at my church. At one point there were enough to have their own service but most know English well enough that they prefer the English service with out Puerto Rican pastor.

      She explains to me that the woman was a former model. I connect on facebook and when the friend request was accepted I looked over her page and timeline. First place I went to was the page that would tell her birth date. And of course, like many women, she has not included the year. Bah.

      So that was a few days ago. I had looked over the pictures and long story short, I couldn’t get a sense of how old she is, and then add in that I also had to take into account that she may not have recent pictures. I sent a message to the women (Flavia) who referred me to her and asked the birth year. That was ignored.

      So yesterday we connect and start talking. Things were going so great that I chose to ask her. Turns out she is 27. I was floored. She did not ask my age. I had chosen to do like most women and hide the birth year. Sort of a “If you are going to do it so will I,” thing.

      So a bit later, things are still going great and the truth is, I was having some misgivings about her age, but the conversation was great. So I think I was in some unconscious way thinking that if I just tell her my age, she will back off. Mixed in with that was an expectation that she would and so the sooner the better. No sense in putting it off. So I simply typed, “I’m 50.” There was a short pause. She told me later that she went to my pictures again to look at them. Then she typed, “Really…?!!” She then went on to say that she went to the pictures again and said that I did not look 50. I know many people like to say that they look younger than their age when often it may be more that you look your age but you look healthy due to keeping in shape and eating right. With so many people overweight at this age, just being in reasonable shape will make you stand out. I benefit from not having any wrinkles at all, and a good even skin tone that does not look old. I think this I owe to many years of working the night shift in the Navy, and not being somebody who tried to get tans to impress that ladies.

      So long story shortened, the conversation continued and I told her that I don’t think Flavia knows how old I am either, and that if my age was a problem, I would totally understand…we could still be friends. This is what she typed back. Three separate replies in quick succession.
      no! no!
      no problem!
      no worries!
      So at this point I will continue to talk to her. She’s a beautiful blond Brazilian from the São Paulo area. So why would she be interested in me? Well, we are both Adventists, which is not a huge religion. It is Protestant but going to church on Saturday feels very foreign to most people. Some people also have huge misunderstandings about the religion. It’s really not much different than other Protestant religions. A lot of misinformation out there on the net also. I can tell you what is true and what is not.

      Anyway it’s like dating in a small town. You run out of options quickly. Of course going to the big city gives more options but most of those options are not what you want. But this is the option that most Adventists are going to if they don’t find what they like. Going to the big city of “Christian.” and simply expecting that the other person not have a problem with Adventists.

      So both of us being Adventists is a plus for both of us. Also, where she lives, the economics of dating are not in her favor. Men can have their pick, so not only is it harder to find a man, it is even harder to find one who will be faithful.

      We just exchanged some conversations just now. She saw that I was online and sent a sticker, and said she was busy but wanted to say hi, and could we talk later tonight.

      Will this go anywhere? Who knows. There are things in our favor. She doesn’t need me for citizenship. She has lived here before, a few years ago. Was married and had a son here, so he has citizenship, and she is expecting to get her green card soon. Had it been pre-911 she would already have it. But the wheels turn slow now. Also, as a result of living her for a few years, she is very good with the language. The present distance is of course a problem, which brings the usual long distance courtship problems. So to be honest, I am not counting on anything at this point.

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