How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn't Interested in Me?

I haven’t found a solution for this. How does a 56 year old man find a good younger woman that would be interested in marriage and willing to have children by him? She would need to be 36 to 38. Most good sites line me up with the 50 year olds and most 36 year olds tend to think I’m a dirty old man.  I know that such a person exists but can’t find a good avenue to find her. I am fairly well to do and well educated.

Dale

Thank you, Dale, for acknowledging a few very common truths from the world of online dating.

You’re a successful older man who wants to date a woman significantly younger than him.

Websites generally attempt to pair singles with matches who are demographically similar.

Most 36-year-old women think you’re a dirty old man.

Now you’re going to get the same song and dance as every other guy who has written to complain about women on the Internet. I’m going to put you in HER shoes.

So let’s say you’re a 36-year-old woman, entering the prime of your life. You’re done with the bar scene and you’re very much interested in settling down to have a family of your own. How do you set your search criteria? Well, if you’re born in 1971, you’re part of Generation X. You went to high school in the 80’s. Your friends are buying their first houses and having their first kids. You probably want something that looks similar. So you search for men 35-45. Yeah, 45 is a little old, you say, but you want to be open-minded. Maybe he’ll still be vigorous enough to keep up with your active lifestyle.

And then you, the 36-year-old woman, post your profile, and what happens? You get BOMBARDED by emails from fifty and sixty something Baby Boomers looking to trade up in the world. You double check your profile to see if there’s something you wrote that’s attracting these older men. You remove that reference to Steely Dan. You cut how you want to travel in style. Yet these men keep on writing – talking about how they’re young for their age, how they’d love to have children, how they have everything in life except a good younger woman.

If you’re 36, you’re pretty darned confused by these emails. By the time you have your first child, you’ll be 38 or 39. Which will make him, what? 58 or 59? By the time the kid is in high school, Dad will be 74! That’s not the kind of life you imagined for yourself or your children. So you politely decline. Or, to keep things simple, you ignore. And ignore. And ignore. It doesn’t stop older men from writing, but at least you don’t have to explain yourself to a man who doesn’t want to hear your perfectly valid explanation.

Understand, Dale, there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire online has choices. Lots and lots of choices.

She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50. Are you getting the idea? This does not mean that you’re not a great guy with a ton to give and the purest intentions. It’s that you’re failing to recognize what most younger women want. A peer. A partner. Not a father figure. You’re still wrapped up in what YOU want.

Needless to say, this goes for ALL people who are dating online. … We want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. We’re all so dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people who are a much better fit. Who are you going to have more in common with? The woman who graduated high school in the same year as you? Or the woman who could be your daughter?

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” say all of my clients – both male and female. And hey, I don’t blame them. I do know, however, that as long as they close their minds to dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle with online dating.

I know you were looking for advice, Dale, so I don’t want to leave you without it. As I see it, you have three options. One, sign up with one of those successful men/younger women sites. At least you know that a woman on MillionaireMatch might be more willing to sacrifice youth for security.

Next, since you can’t convince someone to date an older man, stop trying. To find out who IS interested, try Match.com’s Reverse Match. Instead of searching through hundreds of thirtysomething women who wouldn’t give you a second look, Reverse Match shows you who IS open to dating a 56-year-old man. There’ll be fewer numbers, but at least you won’t be wasting your time.

Finally, I implore you to give older women a shot. There are a lot of amazing ones out there and they are criminally underappreciated.

Let’s just hope that they don’t discriminate against men their own age.

 

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Ruby

    Leo
     
    “I am not looking for a “younger” women, just one younger in regards to about 10 years or so. Is that too much to ask?
     
    10 years is still “younger”, Leo. Do the math.
     
    Sorry, if I seem vein but WTH why do women of my generation look like old worn out saddles!? I am 58, look (yes, I do) 40.”
     
    “Vein” is a blood vessel. “Vain” is what you are referring to.

  2. 92
    Zann

    Hey Leo, guess what? That shoe fits on both feet. All those “worn out old saddles”you’re referring to are thinking the same thing about you and your peers. Only, we’re usually mature enough not to actually spell it out to you. Speaking of spelling, I think the word you were aiming for in your comment is “vain” (as in vanity) not “vein.” Which reminds me, a large portion of the men I meet or view online in my age bracket (and yours) cannot spell, punctuate, or write a complete sentence to save their lives; they’re much less fit, and seem less comfortable with who they are than any of the single women I know in my age group. Not only that, but men in your age group are less likely to bother to “clean up” a little before meeting in person, nor do they take any responsibility for their half of the conversation. If I’m not asking about them and then listening intently to their responses, an awkward silence ensues. Perhaps that’s what’s keeping the younger women away, despite the fact that you look like a vibrant 40 yr old at age 58.   

    I know I look good for my age, but I’m not kidding myself; most men 10 years younger than me are not seeking out a woman my age, and that’s okay with me. Because most single men 10+ years younger than me are still raising kids or in the middle of a divorce and custody battles, or have never married or had kids, which makes it hard to find common ground. Having common ground may not matter to you, but if you actually do look 40, congratulations, but just know that you are the exception, and it still doesn’t mean you’re entitled to a younger pool of women. Which means you’ll have to either somehow manage with one of us old saddles or, as you say, be alone. But at least you’ll LOOK good. 

  3. 93
    Clare

    Evan, can we please have a jar to put a coin into every time someone posts a comment that they look younger than their age?

    When the kitty gets big enough, we can all go out for that ladies’ night someone mentioned in another thread :D

    1. 93.1
      starthrower68

      I don’t know about how my age looks, but I’m often accused of acting like a goofy 12-year-old. Does that count? 😝

  4. 94
    Julia

    Obviously we all look 5 years younger….or maybe we think our age should like 5 years older than it actually looks.

  5. 95
    Erica

    I think men who think they look that much younger are completely deluded. I’ve met several already who claimed this, and they all looked at least their age.

  6. 96
    JB

    Well Erica I know several women with profiles up as we speak that I know for a fact are lying about their age by 7 or more yrs and I can assure you they’re delusional so everything everyone wrote about men above me in this thread goes both ways…LOL

    I’ll stick with my 3 yr. age lie in my profile. I’m sure all the experts on here would see me in person and say “you’re not 48, you’re 51″……lol Big deal! I have no idea what the difference “looks wise” of me actually at 48 or now at 51 but I certainly know how a woman who’s 44 thinks about a guy “under 50″ or “50 or over”. Do I really have to explain it? :-)

  7. 97
    Selena

    “Evan, can we please have a jar to put a coin into every time someone posts a comment that they look younger than their age?When the kitty gets big enough, we can all go out for that ladies’ night someone mentioned in another thread ”

    Clare….LOVE IT!  ;)

  8. 98
    Chris

    I am 56, and have no problem dating or marrying anyone of legal age. My opinion of our current social standard is that is shear discrimination. Segregating groups of people into boxes based on their numerical age. There is no difference in discriminating culture or race than this is. 
    It is a hypocritical ambition of society. Firstly everyone will become older; surely everyone understands this. Secondly, love is the normal reason people desire to be together and anyone at any age can do this. Thirdly, considering time spent as a majority I haven’t seen any couples doing anything together that I also could not do. Of course I have limits of physical ability but ask yourself how much of your time do you devote to extreme sports and what is the percentage of younger people that do such sports or other activities most healthy individuals could not do? Fourthly, if you consider statistical data in regard to domestic abuse, assault, rape, betrayal and infidelity you’ll quickly discover that the majority of these occurrences happen in the same younger age group. Lastly, segregation of people into groups base upon age is only a negative. It robs all of us from being able to benefit from the joy, happiness, love and potential security we might had otherwise been able to have in our lives because of this discriminatory ambition. 
    I have a question.  Why do you expect me to be attracted to someone that you wouldn’t be?  I was in a restaurant in the Ukraine after having to leave my own country over this prejudice and I saw a young woman in the kitchen probably in her 20’s. There was a young male waiter near me and I asked him,” who is the woman in the kitchen she looks good?”  His reply was “No she is a baby.” LOL. Five minutes later another much younger woman walks up to him and l kisses him on the cheek; most likely his girlfriend. Is she a baby too? If so then why is it acceptable for this guy to be with what he considers a baby while at the same time he expects me not to be with an older woman than the one he is with. Do you understand how hypocritical and ridiculous this ? It’s all B.S., and it is very wrong and very discriminating. A true global plague. End this prejudice for our benefit, happiness, and love we all want and need in life. 

    1. 98.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Chris who writes: “Why do you expect me to be attracted to someone that you wouldn’t be?”

      Huh? You’re complaining that younger women aren’t giving you a chance because you’re not attracted to older women.

      What you’re not understanding is that younger women aren’t attracted to YOU.

  9. 99
    starthrower68

    My guess is that Chris seems to think that because he wants a younger woman he is entitled to have one.  Perhaps there are one or maybe even a few that would be attracted to him but that is not true of the majority.  We tend to be drawn to people who are similar or like us in some way or ways.  I get hit upon on occasion by 20-something guys.  I’m not interested in being with 20-something guys.  I have nothing in common with them.  But there are some that get offended that I am not interested in dating in that age-range.  They think because they want to sleep with an older woman, that I should capitulate.  I’m not saying Chris just wants a younger woman to sleep with, but none of us is entitled to what we want.  We occasionally are blessed enough to get it but that doesn’t mean its our right.

  10. 100
    Zann

    @Chris — Understand the terminology before you go throwing it around. It’s discrimination if you’re denied a job based solely on the fact that you’re no spring chicken. But if younger women choose not to date or mate with you, that’s a preference, not discrimination. There’s no law saying you can’t date much younger women OR much older women. People can love whoever they want, you can’t regulate that. And even if every person who reads this website thought it was an absolutely fabulous idea for you to continue to seek out much younger women, that doesn’t mean those younger women will suddenly desire you.

    I don’t know one adult out there who doesn’t wish they looked and felt younger than they do now. But life happens and we age. Some of us also mature and grow wiser, more realistic, maybe even a little humble. Some, not so much. 

    If your preference is much younger women, keep pursuing them; no one’s stopping you. But don’t grumble and blame it on society’s bias when that doesn’t work out for you. It’s actually your own bias that leads you to believe you’re entitled to the affection and devotion of much younger women…..and the same bias that convinces you there are no women in your own age group who meet your standards of hotness. Now that’s what I call BS.  

  11. 101
    Clare

    Chris apparently doesn’t see any irony whatsoever in the fact that when young women don’t want him, it’s “discrimination”, and when he doesn’t want women his own age, it’s “lack of attraction”.

    Evan, I’m honestly astounded at your patience. If I was a dating coach and this guy was my client, I’d want to do his head in. Ugh, maybe I’m just in a bad mood. Maybe we can hook Chris up with Paragon/Anathema/Bill/Steve and he can show him where to find a mail order bride?

  12. 102
    hespeler

    I get the sense that every age group experiences difficulties in online dating.  As a 38 y/o divorced male I have struggled a lot to find a peer that excites me and I mutually excite her.

    Ideally I would like someone 32 to 36 to possibly have a child with but am certainly open to 37, 38, and 39, even 40.  I understand that kids may not be in the cards.  It’s hard enough to find someone with all that added pressure.  I simply want a fun, sexy, cool, somehwat intelligent girl around my age.

    What I have experienced is a sampling of woman who are some of the most picky and/or baggage-ridden and/or generally unavailable people I’ve ever met.

    Seems like the mid-30’s is the time of fresh divorces, young children, broken engagements, never married and neurotic, or slowed down metabolism and clueless about fitness sampling out there.

    In my experience, these woman, despite their limited time of still being attractive and fertile believe they have all the time in the world to find Mr. Right.  Here I come along, 6’2″, handsome, six-figures, in very good shape, affable and within a few years of these women and I’m very disposable. 

    Yes I’ve secured plenty of dates and yes I’m picky too so I’m not trying to be hippocritical (sp?).  But anytime I get a date with an attractive woman in or around her mid-30’s (most of the times with kids), I don’t get a second date, or I find out that they really have a bf they’re on the outs with, or they’re neurotic, or they just can’t date cause their kids are young and they come first, or they’re still screwed up from their divorce, the list goes on and on.

    My friends all tell me to date 20-somethings and I do get some response from them but I really prefer someone around my age or just a couple of years younger.

    If I am in my late 30’s and am having a hard time with 30-somethings, what does a 50 year old reasonably expect he can get?? 

    I get the sense that the 30’s is kind of like your last chance to get it right and have that reltionship/marriage you should have had in your 20’s that we (30-somethings) overthink it, and become ultra-picky so we don’t, gasp, settle or repeat the past failed marriage/relationship. 

    We can’t seem to get out of our own way.

  13. 103
    Fusee

    @hespeler #105: “I simply want a fun, sexy, cool, somehwat intelligent girl around my age.”
     
    I’m 34 and you just described a few of my characteristics… Newsflash: there is no way to find me online. I do not even do *gasp* facebook. My boyfriend found me in real life where I am fully engaged. After work I volunteer in a 100+ members organization, attend various group classes, or go social dancing. The rest of the time, I meet with my wonderful friends and/or relax at home with a cup of tea and a piece of good quality chocolate.
     
    I’m sure they are plenty of awesome ladies on line, but interestingly my ladies friends who are equally intelligent, wise, kind, fun, sexy, and cool are NOT online either. How come? Well, like me, they do not need to even wonder where to meet men. They just meet them while being busy doing interesting stuff.
     
    I’m aware of Evan’s insistance to rely on online dating. I’m not against it although I will probably never do it. It sure can be a valuable extra. But it’s now obvious to me that the supposed benefits of larger exposure and effectiveness are misleading when I read all the comments about how unreasonnable screening criteria limit options, how the same people come back over and over because their “relationships” do not make it past a few months, and how burned out folks end up after spending too much time treating themselves and others as online merchandise.
     
    What I’m seeing is that the very efforts people want to avoid making by dating online (being curious and trying new activities by themselves and investing energy with no garantee of returns) are the qualities that are absolutely necessary to build a successful relationship. It does not mean that all online daters miss these qualities, but it’s pretty obvious that dating sites are attracting a disproportionate amount of such people. Since we WILL have to exert these efforts anyway, why not starting right now by engaging in new activities in the real world?
     
    People with no baggage, who are intelligent, wise, kind-hearted, confident, in good shape, with no major challenges do not bother with online dating sites. They simply do not need them!

  14. 104
    Evan Marc Katz

    False, Fusee: “It does not mean that all online daters miss these qualities, but it’s pretty obvious that dating sites are attracting a disproportionate amount of such people”.

    50 MILLION people have tried online dating. You can’t generalize them as attracting a certain type of person, unless you mean “single people”.

    1. 104.1
      avery_t

      Right, but I think online dating creates a group mindset. Consider women’s almost universal dislike of selfies or shirtless photos. What startles me is how almost universal women’s taste (height, looks, dress code) and distaste (arrogance, shirtless photos ) is. I feel like women’s sensibility is much more susceptible to hegemonization and homogenization (group think) than men’s attitudes. If three women say “i want a tall guy,” then ALL women want tall guys. If five women say “I hate selfies,” then ALL women have to hate selfies. If five men say, “I like D cups”, five men say they like D cups. Men don’t homogenize and hegemonize as rapidly as women do. Women look to other women to learn what they themselves want. Men look out at the world to find what they want. Women follow. Men lust.

      My point is that a million very individual women may join a dating site, but within three months, their attitude toward elements of online dating will all the be the same.

      I’m not sure that I put this well or eloquently. I’m still trying to formulate my thought.

      A woman may not mind an older man, but when she’s online the idea may seem gross. And I don’t think it’s about how charm and personality carry in the real world. I think online dating creates a single mindset.

      1. 104.1.1
        avery_t

        Addendum:

        They say that five dogs makes a pack. When you collect five dogs together (say five pugs), they start to act with a pack/group mentality. For some reason, that number (5) tips that balance away from individual pug thinking to group pug thinking.

        This is, I think, how online dating works for women. Also, it may be how big cities work for women. When I have lived in small cities and college towns, dating has been much easier. Oh, I’m a guy.

  15. 105
    marymary

    Hes
    as a former dedicated serial monogamist I think that by our thirties , forties and upwards we will have picked up some bad relationship habits or unhelpful beliefs to which we are extremely dedicated and will defend until we are blue in the face. we’ve simply been doing it for so long it’s too big change to do it differently. A bizarre phenomenon is that we may be afraid of relationships so we aim at something which we are unlikely to get. We make a beeline for those who will reject us or fruitlessly look for the mythical one. Meanwhile, perfectly suitable people pass us by. we do not look at ourselves, it’s all out there. It’s society, its men, it’s women, its online dating, etc.
    you may be so extraordinarily unlucky that in a world of seven billion you can’t meet someone or, maybe, there is something you could change to improve your chances. Surely every day you see people less attractive, intelligent, or financially stable then you in stable relationships. What is it they know and do that we don’t?
    I enjoyed a book called Getting to Commitment by Steven Carter. Kinda shocking but also reassuring to see my negative beliefs laid bare. 
    of course, you may be just fine and I’m projecting.  Just putting it out there for consideration.
    Ps a long time ago a very beautiful young woman, think Audrey Hepburn look alike, told me you can’t have security and excitement, she had learned this from having dated someone who was just too exciting. I thought she was wrong, now I know she was right.
     

  16. 106
    GreatGirl

    @Fusee #106:
    Although I have read your comments in other threads and sometimes agree with them,  I find the following view, however personally justified, not correlate to other people.

    “People with no baggage, who are intelligent, wise, kind-hearted, confident, in good shape, with no major challenges do not bother with online dating sites. They simply do not need them”

    That is your opinion and the opinion of your friends, which I respect. However, please don’t speak for me or for people like me.
    I am such a person and definitely fully engaged in real life (and doing many of the activities that you do as well), so engaged perhaps that finding time for a date can be difficult on some weeks.

    However, I participate in online dating not because I am not a person with qualities you described above, but in real life, I have not yet met a compatible potential partner.  It doesn’t mean that I can’t and never will, it’s just that I wish to give myself an added advantage with creating more meetings with more people, therefore raising the probability of meeting the right person in a shorter amount of time.  I am increasing my circle of acquaintance (online).

    @hespeler #105:
    If a girl like me is online, I am sure there are other girls like me online.  Don’t believe the ones who, with justifiable personal reasons choose not to do online dating, speak for the rest of us. 

  17. 107
    Zann

    People with no baggage, who are intelligent, wise, kind-hearted, confident, in good shape, with no major challenges do not bother with online dating sites. They simply do not need them!  

    Fusee: So then, if I’m hearing you correctly, online dating is really only necessary for those of us who have had some hard times in our lives (mistakes were made), are perhaps “merely” of average intelligence (maybe even less!), have to diligently & daily work on our self-esteem issues, and do not meet the culture’s expectations of skinny-jeans awesome with rock-hard abs …. ? 

    Wow. Good to know.

    Evan has never suggested that the best and only route to finding love is to sit in front of your computer in your every spare moment and surf on-line dating sites for potential mates. I’m sure most of us are pretty holistic in our approach to meeting new people. Yes,  there are troubled, socially-awkward, messy, under-employed, out-of-shape, and even mean people participating in on-line dating. But they’re out there in the “real world,” too.

    But if you’re one of the people you’ve described who simply no need for online dating , why are you even reading this website or participating in this discussion? To enlighten us? How about instead making some room for the rest of us who see online dating for what it is — another viable tool for finding companionship and love. Not the only tool, but certainly a resource that broadens our chances of meeting someone compatible, and not just a default plan for those who may not fully meet the criteria you’ve defined above.

  18. 108
    Clare

    Yeah Fusee, you know that I normally agree with your views, but I have to disagree with you here.

    I have met some lovely, normal, well-balanced people online.  In fact, I would say it’s often the slightly more intelligent types who engage in online dating, sometimes because they’re busy and introverted and don’t like the clubbing scene, and sometimes because they’re more computer savvy and appreciate the more *scientific* nature of online dating.

    Either way, I’m all the things you describe and trying online dating now that I’m single again, and if I’m doing it, there must be other people like me.

  19. 109
    hespeler

    Fusee,  I and I’m sure a lot of others go back and forth and wonder if online dating is the place to find someone.  But then I read EMK’s and other’s comments and from a logical standpoint, can’t disagree with them.

    Truth is most of the people I’ve met online have generally been nice, well-rounded, good-intnetioned people.

    Your more salient point is that we treat eachother like online merchandise which segues me back to the topic at hand.  Why does a 50 year old pursue a 30-something online, without really knowing her?  She is just merchandise to that guy at that point.  Why not put in an offer, see if she bites…

  20. 110
    Goldie

    The “get out and meet new people IRL” approach works for people in their 20s with no families and few commitments. Besides, I fail to see how it’s any different from OLD fundamentally. If you get out and meet a new group of people, you’re just as likely to run into creeps and weirdos as you are online, with only one difference – if you’ve met them IRL, then they know what you look like, where to find you, and can walk up to you anytime to initiate a conversation. I say this as someone who’s been to a good number of meetups, and unfortunately had this experience.
     
    For someone like me, a person in their 40s with a family, it’s a no-brainer. I cannot be away from home much to participate in a large number of activities. Frankly, most of these activities require spending money which I currently do not have in these quantities. I have friends, but they’re all married couples; I can hang out with them, but all it would get me is meeting a lot of married couples. I’m not even going to go into meeting someone through work; that’s just too much hassle. And anyway, in any social group, you can only date, I don’t know, two, three, maybe five people before you get to the point where you’re seen as “going through everyone in the group” and no one wants to date you anymore for that reason. Last but not least, I would’ve never met my bf in real life, because we live too far from each other and did not know any of the same people before we met. 
     
    Don’t get me wrong, I love trying new things and meeting new people. I just like to keep my social activities apart from my dating life. If something happens between me and someone in my social group, I’ll give it a try and see how it plays out, but I’m not going to actively pursue finding a date in a social group. I’ve seen girls in my meetup groups who have joined with the sole purpose of finding a guy. Watching all of them fling themselves at one or two eligible bachelors in the group is pretty sad, and, may I add, yields no results.

  21. 111
    Fusee

    To Evan and the last commenters that I offended with my comment @106:
     
    My apologies! I really apologize for triggering negative feelings. I do not doubt that great people date online and I simply expressed a concern based on impressions that seem indeed completely false. However these impressions did not mean that I negatively judged online daters, ok? Anyway, what makes someone “great to date” and another person not? It’s a matter of compatibility. There is someone for everyone.
     
    As I mentioned previously, I do not know that world much, therefore might be better off abstaining from commenting on online dating and reseve my comments for issues I’m more in touch with.
     
    To Zann: I’m reading Evan’s excellent blog because I’m passionate about the process of meeting someone special and building a life-long relationship. I enjoy learning from Evan’s advice and you guys’ interesting comments.
     
    Good luck to you all (and myself : ) in this process!

  22. 112
    Ruby

    Fusee
    “People with no baggage, who are intelligent, wise, kind-hearted, confident, in good shape, with no major challenges do not bother with online dating sites. They simply do not need them!”
     
    I haven’t found much evidence to show that, overall, online daters are any better or worse than those who don’t do it. And guess what, many people who do online dating also volunteer, attend classes, try social dancing, and hang out with their friends. Especially if you are older, it’s just not that easy to meet someone organically, or if you happen to work alone or in a field with few members of the opposite sex. Single parents also don’t have a lot of time for extracurricular activities.
     
    I do agree that some people used flawed judgement when attempting to date online. Just because there are 10’s online, doesn’t mean that everyone has a shot with them, or that the 10s won’t have deeper problems. Then there are the people who would rather surf the sites than end up in an actual relationship. At least the ones who tried to make something work, if even for a few months, made the effort.
     
    In any case, I’ve certainly met people with plenty of issues IRL. Actually, these people wouldn’t be able to market themselves very effectively online. For example, how does a 45-year-old man like the one I met IRL explain why he lives with his healthy mother?
     

  23. 113
    Selena

    @ Goldie #113

    A couple or so years ago a commenter on this blog was promoting meetup groups as a way to meet men/women for potential romance. I don’t remember the name of the commenter, but I do remember she said it was kind of like college for grownups – a way to meet a lot people without the ‘pressure’ of dating. Bonus: you know what each other really look like before offering/accepting dates should it go that way.

    Your comments about this NOT being a good way to meet a potential partner surprised me.  I haven’t done it, but it still sounds better to me than OLD. 

  24. 114
    Goldie

    Selena, “college for grownups” was exactly how I felt about OKC, oddly enough. As for meetups, I’ve been a member of several groups during the last 3-4 years, and still go to meetups when I get a chance (which, lately, isn’t often). I’ve dated one person that I met at a meetup, brought a few guys that I was seeing to meetups, and was asked out by several people at meetups. My impression has been that joining a meetup in order to get dates is counterproductive. Especially since every single one of these meetup members has an online dating account anyway. (believe me, I’ve seen them on match and OKC. Some of them, I first met online and then we’d start talking and realize that we’re in the same meetup group.) I’ve also had some negative experiences in meetup groups, with people who want to date you even though you aren’t interested, and won’t get the message. In fact, first time I tried trail running was by accident, while running away from a 67 year old at a hiking meetup. As a plus side, I now really enjoy trail running!
     
    Additionally, after a certain age it doesn’t matter what a person really looks like as what they really are like as a person. (Face it, in our 40s and 50s none of us look like models.) I found that OKC provided more information about the person than meeting them in person at a meetup, sitting through a lecture together, watching a movie, maybe going out to grab some food, maybe hiking together for a few miles — that’s not enough to get to know the person. 
     
    That said, meetups are awesome, and if you meet someone there, that’s an added bonus! Two people in one of my meetup groups got married recently, and are insanely happy together :)

  25. 115
    Barry

    I must agree with Fusee that confident, extrovert, attractive people are less likely to need to go on-line.
    When they do I’m sure they are in great demand.

    However, I have found that in the social organisations I belong to, I am forced to date women decades younger because they are the only ones that are single. The older women are attractive, and interested,  but married.

    The only thing I can think of is that older single women have children and therefore have no time to socialize.

    The only problem I have with on line dating from a male point of view is that you are not playing to your strengths. Confidence and sense of humor come a long way down the list of those things you are judged on. Unless of course you put down your very large income.

  26. 116
    Kathleen

    Barry 118

    My friends and I who are online don’t need to be on line. We just want a greater range of options to choose from in addition to the guys we meet out and about.

    I also look for confidence and sense of humor in a profile I think you can see that in the quality, type and body language in photos as well the style and sophistication of writing so I disagree that thats low on the list of the women I know.

    What I do notice is that a high percentage of men in my age group of 50 and up have never been married and seem not to have sustained a longer term relationship. I do believe some of these guys don’t attach or get close emotionally to people and I can usually determine the indicators of this early on so I don’t invest much time in them.
     

  27. 117
    Ellen

    Kathleen #119

    I was very biased against never married men also when dating. But I read these blogs, and pro-male blogs sometimes, talk to my male platonic friends, and from all that immersion/interaction have decided some men over 40 that are still unmarried have just been unlucky AND are poor pickers.

    Evan writes about this somewhere. The two male platonic friends I have, well, that’s the case but both are great guys, hard-working, intelligent, attractive enough. They just have unrealistic ideas about who they would get along with and shoot for the moon too much imo.

    My current boyfriend is 58 and never married ’cause he told me in his twenties he noticed all the unhappy married friends he had and decided to avoid marriage. He has had several fairly long-term relationships though but “let” his lovelife happen to him rather than spend enough time figuring out who to attract (imo). I’ve told him this and he didn’t dispute it.

    No, it took me a long time to get past my bias and realize maybe he WAS telling me the truth when he tells me “you are the one Ellen”.    

    PS attachment style is important and from what I can tell my bf’s and mine are similar, i.e., open emotionally. I know men who have attachment difficulties and only get close to a very select few and they have been married for years so there is no hard and fast rule imo.

    PSS When dating I also looked for confidence and sense of humor in men also. And men with sisters! lol       

  28. 118
    Kathleen

    Ellen 
    I love your posts and attitude so Ill keep that in mind!

    By the way after the last round of very elderly guys contacting me on Match I went on that cougar site you recommended   OMG That was an education!!!  I had to look up terms like MILF and such LOL …After 2 days I figured I better go back to Match  

  29. 119
    Ruby

    Kathleen #119
     
    “What I do notice is that a high percentage of men in my age group of 50 and up have never been married and seem not to have sustained a longer term relationship. I do believe some of these guys don’t attach or get close emotionally to people and I can usually determine the indicators of this early on so I don’t invest much time in them.”
     
    I agree with you. I tried dating one of these guys once, and it was a disaster. He had a lot of great qualities, but while he could get physically close, he had problems attaching emotionally, and finally admitted that he had issues (read: screwed up) regarding that. I consulted a well-known relationship adviser (not Evan), who actually told me that these men were difficult and commitment-phobic. I’m not saying that it can never work, but you have to examine their relationship history VERY carefully.

  30. 120
    Selena

    @ Goldie #117

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and insights.  You are one of my favorite commenters in this forum, and I really appreciate you taking the time to ‘splain to me in detail your thoughts.  Thank you Goldie. :)

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