How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn't Interested in Me?

I haven’t found a solution for this. How does a 56 year old man find a good younger woman that would be interested in marriage and willing to have children by him? She would need to be 36 to 38. Most good sites line me up with the 50 year olds and most 36 year olds tend to think I’m a dirty old man.  I know that such a person exists but can’t find a good avenue to find her. I am fairly well to do and well educated.

Dale

Thank you, Dale, for acknowledging a few very common truths from the world of online dating.

You’re a successful older man who wants to date a woman significantly younger than him.

Websites generally attempt to pair singles with matches who are demographically similar.

Most 36-year-old women think you’re a dirty old man.

Now you’re going to get the same song and dance as every other guy who has written to complain about women on the Internet. I’m going to put you in HER shoes.

So let’s say you’re a 36-year-old woman, entering the prime of your life. You’re done with the bar scene and you’re very much interested in settling down to have a family of your own. How do you set your search criteria? Well, if you’re born in 1971, you’re part of Generation X. You went to high school in the 80’s. Your friends are buying their first houses and having their first kids. You probably want something that looks similar. So you search for men 35-45. Yeah, 45 is a little old, you say, but you want to be open-minded. Maybe he’ll still be vigorous enough to keep up with your active lifestyle.

And then you, the 36-year-old woman, post your profile, and what happens? You get BOMBARDED by emails from fifty and sixty something Baby Boomers looking to trade up in the world. You double check your profile to see if there’s something you wrote that’s attracting these older men. You remove that reference to Steely Dan. You cut how you want to travel in style. Yet these men keep on writing – talking about how they’re young for their age, how they’d love to have children, how they have everything in life except a good younger woman.

If you’re 36, you’re pretty darned confused by these emails. By the time you have your first child, you’ll be 38 or 39. Which will make him, what? 58 or 59? By the time the kid is in high school, Dad will be 74! That’s not the kind of life you imagined for yourself or your children. So you politely decline. Or, to keep things simple, you ignore. And ignore. And ignore. It doesn’t stop older men from writing, but at least you don’t have to explain yourself to a man who doesn’t want to hear your perfectly valid explanation.

Understand, Dale, there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire online has choices. Lots and lots of choices.

She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50. Are you getting the idea? This does not mean that you’re not a great guy with a ton to give and the purest intentions. It’s that you’re failing to recognize what most younger women want. A peer. A partner. Not a father figure. You’re still wrapped up in what YOU want.

Needless to say, this goes for ALL people who are dating online. … We want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. We’re all so dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people who are a much better fit. Who are you going to have more in common with? The woman who graduated high school in the same year as you? Or the woman who could be your daughter?

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” say all of my clients – both male and female. And hey, I don’t blame them. I do know, however, that as long as they close their minds to dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle with online dating.

I know you were looking for advice, Dale, so I don’t want to leave you without it. As I see it, you have three options. One, sign up with one of those successful men/younger women sites. At least you know that a woman on MillionaireMatch might be more willing to sacrifice youth for security.

Next, since you can’t convince someone to date an older man, stop trying. To find out who IS interested, try Match.com’s Reverse Match. Instead of searching through hundreds of thirtysomething women who wouldn’t give you a second look, Reverse Match shows you who IS open to dating a 56-year-old man. There’ll be fewer numbers, but at least you won’t be wasting your time.

Finally, I implore you to give older women a shot. There are a lot of amazing ones out there and they are criminally underappreciated.

Let’s just hope that they don’t discriminate against men their own age.

 

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Comments:

  1. 151
    hunter

    @150.1brianna,

    According to a harvard study, 2/3’s of all women look for financial stability…….

  2. 152
    hunter

    …on second thought…….. brianna.is right…after a womans second or third marriage/relationship…

  3. 153
    Erica

    Avery_T,

    you got the effect right, but not the cause. Those universal preferences women have are innate.

    Brianna,

    the reason you think of your 37.yo. boss with such disdain is that you do not find him sexually attractive.

    1. 153.1
      avery_t

      Erica,

      I don’t believe in innate ideas. I’m with Locke, on that.

      I did pretty well with women, when I was poor. But I met a lot of doctoral students who had Marxian leanings.

      1. 153.1.1
        Erica

        Avery,

        so you prefer to think that a bunch of women convened somewhere in secret and decided to like tall guys (etc.)? Any possible indicator of physical strength will always be a natural preference. Even in modern society where strength is largely irrelevant to financial success, height has far-reaching consequences. I remember a study from a few years back that found that tall people on average are more successful than their shorter counterparts.

        As for universal preferences in general, I first noticed this when I was 12 or so, and all the girls in class had a crush on the same boy.

        1. avery_t

          It depends on how you define “success.” I’m a former academic, and in the Ivory Tower most very successful Ivy League professors are not tall. Some are. But in that arena, height is very irrelevant. On Wall St, it’s true that taller men tend to be paid more than shorter men.

          The physical strength is unreliable. My Equinox gym is full of super ripped men under 5′ 9″. I mean guys built like Tom Hardy. I mean guys built like Rocky. But I see lots of women with tall guys built like that guy from The Big Bang Theory.

          But, to answer your question, I ABSOLUTELY and POSITIVELY think women have convened. How many women have friends who would judge them unfavorably for dating a short man? Women are TOTALLY to responsive to what their friends think or what they THINK their friends will think. If most women lived in a town of 300 in Alberta or the Yukon or something, they probably would not care.

          Women are much, much, much more concerned with how they appear in public than men are. Men leave the house their trousers unzipped and their hair uncombed. Men never ever ever say “why are you dating that girls she’s not ______.” Women always judge their female friends’ choice of men. Men almost never do this with other men. So, I don’t think women got together at some meeting and made the decision, but I think women routinely reenforce certain attitudes through regular social judgment.

          I have seen women post comments such as “I’d date a guy who’s 5′ 8″, but my friends might give me a hard time for it.” A man would NEVER EVER give a male friend a hard time for dating a chubby girl or a flat chested girl or a woman with a facial disfigurement. But women would rank on their female friend for dating a short guy.

          If you make it cartoonish by suggesting women held a giant conference to discuss this, then it seems ludicrous, but if you say that women regularly try to normalize people’s social behavior by judging their non-normative decisions, then, I think, it sounds much more plausible and accurate.

          Women your friends pick on you for dating a man who’s 5′ 2″? If you say “yes: maybe,” then women have indeed “convened.”

  4. 154
    Jim

    Most of the women are just too damn picky anyway, and they are looking for their knight in shinning armor with a lot of money. Very Sad, and whatever happened to the good old days when many women and men Accepted one another for who they were.

  5. 155
    Erica

    All right, let me be the voice of reality here and say that there is no such thing as “the good old days”. What you may be interpreting as pickiness nowadays stems from the simple fact that never before now did women have the freedom to choose.

    1. 155.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Erica & Jim – Actually – I think the problem is we ALL have to many choices. Online dating and a more casual attitude to having many partners over a lifetime has led to BOTH sexes going over each other with a fine toothed combed and being unwilling to accept anyone who doesn’t meet every item on their long laundry list of “must haves”. (there was an article on hear called the “paradox of choice” or something like that that explains it better)

      I don’t advocate settling for someone who mistreats you, are not remotely attracted to, or with whom you are completely incompatible. But I think many people ditch people who would make great partners, while they search for the elusive “something better”. And it just leads to an endless round of searching but never quite finding. You dump a girl because someone better looking comes along, and the better looking girl isn’t as nice. You dump a guy for someone more ambitious and wealthy , and he’s a work-a-holic and not very devoted to you. And around and around and around it goes.

      1. 155.1.1
        Selena

        “But I think many people ditch people who would make great partners, while they search for the elusive “something better”.

        I’ve wondered about this also in the years I’ve been reading dating forums. I’ve come across many commenters who write about having “options”. Dating one person instead of many is apparently a huge deal because it means giving up one’s options! I’ve read things like “he/she must be a loser without any options”. Or “you can continue to date him/her just keep your options open”.

        I’ve started to think there are a percentage of single people who would much rather have “options” than an actual partner. Which ofcourse is option in itself. ;)

        1. SparklingEmerald

          I don’t know who said it, but the words I live by are “Don’t make someone a priority in your life, when you are merely an option in theirs”.

          I live for the day when me and my future sweetie are each other’s priority. We will have NO IDEA how many other options we have, because we won’t be looking for other options. We will be putting each other FIRST, and won’t give a damn about who has how many “options” or has has the highest “SMV” (social market value ? )

          I am 58 now, I just want to love and be loved by my one and only. I am now longer a high school kid concerned about being considered part of the “cool crowd”.

    2. 155.2
      avery_t

      Never before did women have the opportunity to get approbation from men without meeting men or putting out. That’s what the internet/online dating has done.

      75% of what men from a relationship is physical. 75% of what women want is to be told they are beautiful. Now, women can be told that without even having to be in the presence of a man. Men send them compliments on okcupid and Match. In the good old days, women had to put out to get those compliments. Now, they just have to post a photo online.

      Also, before the internet, one could date/flirt with only the people around one (school, work, etc..). Now, you can flirt with people on the other side of the country.

      Furthermore, in my prep school, which had 200 male students, only about 10 were over six feet tall. That’s 1 in 20. But every guy online says he’s six feet tall. So, women assume that half the men in America are 6′ 2″, when only about 5% are.

      Women are choosy because they can now sit at home at flirt men who are fabrications. They think the guy is 35, 6′ 2″, and making 150k when he’s really 40, 5′ 10″, and making 105k.

      1. 155.2.1
        SparklingEmerald

        avery_t- You sound bitter that women aren’t just “putting out” for any man who crosses their path.   I am not doing online dating just to get “compliments” from someone in cyberspace.  As you have pointed out, they could be fake.  I am doing online dating, in HOPES of meeting someone in the REAL world for a REAL relationship.  I have had e-mail exchanges that led to NOWHERE.  Phone calls that don’t lead to dates, and have met men face to face, only to find that they lied about their age, height (which I would have accepted them at their height, but I don’t appreciate a 6 inch LIE) posted a very old picture, and even lied about their smoking habits.  I have met with men within 10 years of my age, either direction, so I am open to a 20 year age span.  I like, bald, I like grey hair, I’m ok with a bit of a belly (but not morbid obesity) and I actually prefer shorter men, since I’m only 5’3″.  I am really getting tired of men acting like women are the ONLY ones who do the rejecting.  I’m rejected by about 1/3 of the men I meet with, about 1/3 of the time,  I am the rejecter (sometimes because I was lied to , sometimes the chemistry isnt’ there) and about 1/3 of the time it’s mutual dis-interest.  (so technically, I’m getting rejected about 2/3rd of the time)
        I met a very short, very nice looking guy at meet up in the art museum.  He came over and started talking to me afterwards.  We had a very fun lighthearted convo, we went to a coffeeshop afterwards, and as I was paying for my coffee, he offered to pay, and asked if I wanted a gellato as well, which I declined.  I thanked him, we sat on the patio, talked and laughed about all kinds of things, he’s an artist, he showed me his work on his phone camera.  I thought we were having a great time.  He asked for my number.  Guess what, this short, dark and handsome man never called me.  So I’ve been rejected by a man who was MY height. (5’3″) When I read all the bellyaching from men on this blog, about women are TOO PICKY, and that 100% of the women in the world will ONLY date men who are 6 feet tall and look like rock stars, I just want to scream.  I’ve been told that I’m pretty cute (7-8 on the 10 scale) and look young for my age.  I do want to be physically attracted to who ever I end up with (if I end with anyone)  but I am physically attracted to different types of men, depending on the total package, and that includes men, that you all claim have NO LUCK, that is the short, the bald and the over 60.  (I’m 58)   So, since I’m not as picky as every other woman in the world, WHERE THE HELL IS MY GUY ?  Heck, maybe I should hold out for that mythical 6 foot George Clooney look alike.  Considering the number of married women, and coupled up women, and you guys INSISTING, that they all only go for rock start who are 6 feet tall, where IS MY 6 FOOT TALL ROCKSTAR ?
        You men claim that we women are just roaming the earth, waving our power wands over you, and rejecting you with glee.  Guess what, we’ve ALL been rejected, and we’ve ALL done the rejecting.  It’s hard for ALL of us, to not find our match.
        If women are unilaterally rejecting men, why is EMK’s inbox getting blown up with e-mails asking “Why did he disappear” ? and “What does he mean when he says he doesn’t want anything serious ?”

    3. 155.3
      Steve

      Let me guess, that freedom and pickiness gives women the right to treat men badly and treat them as worthless unless they meet a women’s usually stratospheric standards, right?

      1. 155.3.1
        Erica

        @ Steve (155.3),
         
        I didn’t realize this was in response to me, but why, where did I state or imply that women are justified in mistreating anybody??

        As for anybody’s standards being stratospheric: to be honest with you, the first obstacle I usually encounter with men is lack of class / social graces / plain common sense when it comes to their behavior. You would think I am asking for the moon.

    4. 155.4
      RustyLH

      @Erica #155

      WHAT? OK, let me be the voice of reality. My grandmother chose, her mother chose, my mother chose, my aunt chose…actually chose somebody the family didn’t like, and he turned out to be a great guy. All of the aunts on my dad’s side chose…all 5 of them. Their mother, my dad’s mom, chose…a man 1 year younger. The both lived the same exact chronological age. He died exactly one year after she did. We all said it was of a broken heart. Very old fashioned couple, and madly in love with each other all those years. 11 kids. Both wanted all of them. Almost 40 grandkids. Very happy couple. My grandmother was a strong woman, but she was still feminine.

      What is this silly nonsense bout not being able to choose? I should also note that the only one of them that wasn’t a career woman was my dad’s mom. My mom’s only sister was the most feminine of all of them…even voted “sexiest” in her class…but very feminine. She was the one that married somebody nobody but my dad liked. He was 6’6″ to her 5’2″, and very masculine. Very much a leader, but not once was he ever abusive to her. Both of them started and ran multiple businesses…some separately. She was very driven…and yet still very feminine.

      You women are always so full of excuses. You will never change, so I will simply continue my search where women still think it’s OK to be a woman.

  6. 156
    hunter

    #Erica#155

    ….how true, and…women are choosing “not to”(staying completely single)

  7. 157
    Jeff

    As a 52 year old male who has been dating online for about 10 years…. I have found that relationships with much younger women just don’t work out, mainly because we have so little in common.
    Sex however is another matter. I’ve met several women in their 20’s and 30’s as well as two 19 yr olds who just wanted sex, or perhaps just wanted sex with an older guy.
    I hate to generalize. One thing online dating has taught me is that there are a ton of people out there with their own desires, kinks, damage etc and you just never know what to expect.
    Dale, the chances are slim for you, but if you really want it, don’t give up. But maybe at the same time keep an open mind and don’t totally abandon looking for women your own age.

  8. 158
    John

    I am a 56 year old man looking to meet a woman over 45 because she would have to have things in common with me. But my problema is that not even women over 50 have responded. I have even been open to dating women older than me (let’s say 60) but only women who dress like my mother, and carry themselves like grandmas are the ones who contact me. Yes I am in my mid 50’s but that does not mean that I have to carry myself like my grandfather. Neither should women. I have seen some very sexy women over 50 but so far I have not been contacted by any. I am very athletic and don’t look my age. So lets hope 2014 is a better year.

  9. 159
    hunter

    John#158
    …You might have better luck with the younger crowd, they still have hormones…..

    1. 159.1
      Gale

      Again with the hormones…..Biodentical hormones are alive and well and many women over 50 take them and feel better than they ever did.( Thanks to Suzanne Somers books) They are even keeled all month and don’t have to worry about the valleys and peaks they felt when they are younger. This is 2014..and being over 50 can be fabulous!

      1. 159.1.1
        hunter

        …how true..!!
         

  10. 160
    Troy Dungeon

    I’m 60 years old but  appearance wise I look to be in my early to mid 40’s..Because of the fact I’ve always looked younger I’ve always hung out with younger people.I  am not attracted to women my age because I do look so much younger and I also listen to current music(rock)..To the original poster>>don’t ever publish articles like this online cause more people will trash you than understand.They’ll say it doesn’t matter how young you look, you’re a perv or looking for your lost youth or some other BS..Actually It would look bizarre for me to be relationshipped with someone my age as she’d look much older..it would look strange.I’ve found that there are few women at 60 that actually can pass easily for being 40.And those that do usually are very old fashioned and have a shrine of their high school years built in their heads.If you’re looking for younger women,go out somewhere,even if it’s a diner ,hang out and meet women.If they ask your age just do what I do..reply by saying “how old do I look”? whatever they say just reply with  “sounds good to me”..You don’t have to tell people your age.at first I mean.Dating sites will always pair you with women of your age bracket..period,no ifz andz or buttz..I meet more women by hanging at local diners late at night than anywhere else.sitting at the counter sipping on my coffee..of course I’m retired, have  night hours and sleep days so I have the time and opportunity to be out and about whenever  I want.Bottom line:DON’T USE DATING SITES..I’ve never had luck online with meeting younger women as the online women looking for older guys are looking for ‘money..some will say they’re looking for security..decode that ..it’s BS..they’re looking for money.It’s they’re #1 priority..like I said..go out somewhere to meet them.Online forums and dating sites will prove useless.

    (Dude, you’re delusional. I’m 41. Do you look like me? If not, you don’t look 40.)

    1. 160.1
      hunter

      @dongeon#160,
      …Studies have shown young women are attracte to old men, because of the father figure…..
       

      1. 160.1.1
        Gale

        I was attracted to older men when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. After I had my children I am attracted to younger men or men just a couple of yrs. older than me. Men who believe that 40 yr.old women will date a 60 yr.old man is in a fantasy world. I’m 53 and I try to be open minded but the truth is that women usually live longer than men. I’m not attracted to older men at all and I have no problem attracting men between ages 48 and 55 so unless someone older is beyond fabulous I don’t plan on dating older. My friends all feel the same way. I also know 60+yr.  old women who are gorgeous and fashionable..On the other hand I see very young women looking frumpy as well. 
         

        1. SparklingEmerald

          I just don’t think one can make generalizations about who can attract younger, older, etc.  Like you, when I was in my 20’s, I actually liked men 10-15 years older.  Now that I’m 58, I would like to cap it off at about 5 years older, but then, not all people age the same.  I put an age range in my profile of 10 years either way, (48-69) even tho’ at this point in my life 10 years older is starting to be out of my comfort zone.  I got an email from an 80 year old.  Way out of my preferred age range, and quite a bit out  of my mileage range.  I must admit, he wasn’t a bad looking 80 year old, but who knows, that pic in his profile could have been old.  I finally agreed to a phone call with a 69 year old.  From his pics, he really looks in great shape, but as I said, 10 years is pushing it as it is, and he’s 11 years older than me.  But he has been trying to get my attention for quite a while on match.  So even tho’ I might be heading towards “settlingville”, I’ll talk to him on the phone, see what he has to say, and maybe go out and meet with him.  Maybe I should take my chance on ending up playing nursemaid, at least maybe a 69 year old will think I’m really hot, whereas men closer to my age think I’m not.  I just recently found out that a friend of mine who is 49 is involved with an 82 year old.  (I found out through a mutual friend of ours)  I asked if he was in good shape for his age, did he look good, etc and the answer was “He looks ancient” and the general opinion was that she is with him because he’s “safe”.  It kind of makes me sad to think my cute, bubbly friend is settling for a man 33 years older, because he is “safe”. 
          So, I guess as long as there are ancient looking 82 year olds who can get a 49 cutie pie to be his girl, then many other old guys will think they too are entitled to a sweet young thing. (by comparison)  I guess my 69 year old suitor doesn’t looks so bad after all.

        2. RustyLH

          My mom died at 55. My dad is now going on 80. had to live all those years alone because he loved my mom so much he refused to remarry. He was 57 when she died.

          I have news for you..the life expectancy gap is closing. It’s now down to under 4 years and they say it is expected to continue to close. My father has also outlived some of his younger sisters. So have his older brothers.

          My younger sister is not in good health and it seems very apparent that I will outlive her by a large margin.

          That life expectancy gap is changing due to many reasons. One is quite ironic and that is because women wanted the freedom to move into career fields dominated by men. Well they were stressful, or dangerous, or exposed you to toxins, etc… so that life expectancy gap is closing. With so many young women also becoming the hard partiers that many young men always have been, that isn’t going to help the average age women die either.

          This I admit is totally anecdotal, but I have a friend that had a short relationship with a beautiful woman just 6 years younger than him. It turns out she was also dating a guy a few years younger than herself. When the younger guy agreed to commit, she dropped my friend, and admitted to him that she chose the other guy primarily for age. Brought up the life expectancy gap. Oh the irony because the younger guy developed cancer and died. My friend…still going strong and now married to a woman who is 8 years younger. We looked at the average age that the women in her family have been dieing at, and the men in his family, and it if they mail those averages, he will outlive her by 3 years. But who knows…they are not those people who are already dead. They get to write their own life stories, and she might be healthier…make healthier choices, get lucky, etc…

  11. 161
    Henriette

    Ohhhhhhhhh @Troy Dungeon!  If Evan had a dollar for every male coming to this blog and claiming to look 2 decades younger than his biological age, he and his lovely family could close shop and retire to St. Moritz for the rest of their lives.  
     
    Look: people frequently tell me I look like i’m in my 30s (I’m in my mid-40s).  And yet I know that many people skew when guessing age bc they want to flatter the listener or bc they don’t want to hurt another’s feelings or bc they are lousy guessers.   I don’t believe the words of those who tell me that I look 33; I know I look like a healthy, youthful 40-something and I’m proud.
     
    Please stop lying to yourself.  It makes you seem insecure and delusional and that sort of profile drives away sane women in droves.   Celebrate your age and the fact that in spite of all those decades on this earth, you are still healthy and young-at-heart.  You will find yourself attracting many more interesting, cool, appealing women as a result. 

  12. 162
    Peter 51

    It is a bad strategy to look younger than your age even if you think that you can.  Certainly for a man.  I am now 62.  I dress like 62 and conservatively dressed (preppy in American) at that.  I am not trying to project youth I am trying to project power, status, intelligence, authority because if you are a 62 year old on top of your game that is what you should be delivering.  Being as good as you can be physically doesn’t make you younger either.  It does make you more desirable at any age if the rest of the package is there. Regular readers know how this has worked out for me.  Looking pretty is for 30 year old gigolos going nowhere. (Did you know bimbo used to be a term for males?). There are guys on a beach in Jamaica or The Gambia who do it better.

  13. 163
    Ron

    With so many women that like sleeping with different men all the time,  how in the world can us men meet a decent one anyway.

    1. 163.1
      Henriette

      Ron, one might ask the same question of men.  With so many promiscuous dudes who lack integrity milling about, how’s a woman to meet a decent guy?   My response would be the same for both sexes: it requires luck and perseverance.

  14. 164
    hunter

    ..for men, its a ratio of 1:10, we have to ask 9 women out, before we get a date…on the tenth try…

  15. 165
    Ron

    To Henriette,  i was married at one time myself before she cheated on me. And i was very happy thinking that i had finally met a good woman to spend the rest of my life with, and i even thought that i was going to have a family as well.  Well this certainly explains why the divorce rate is so very high now, and it is the women that are the ones that cause it.

    1. 165.1
      hunter

      …aaahhh…sorry to hear that….

    2. 165.2
      Henriette

      I’m sorry to read of your sad marital experience.  I do not approve of cheating, whether by men or by women. 
       
      However, this does not mean that “so many women… like sleeping with different men all the time.”   Most women and men are trying to find lasting love and wish to be monogamous.   You picked badly with your first wife and are, understandably, feeling wary as a result.   But it’s up to you to pick better, next time, rather than assuming that so many women simply want to bed-hop.

  16. 166
    Dan Moore

    If your looking in North America for a younger woman and your over over 50 your going to have a hard time as we are socially deficient in our attitude towards older men younger women relationship. Women in North America have much, much less to offer than a woman from Colombia or Russia for instance. Where they are interested in the stability and maturity an older man can offer.
    I am a 54 year old male and could marry easily a woman in her twenties from Colombia that would be considered goddess material here. I’ve been there lots and am in a relationship now with a lovely woman.
    Your looking in the wrong spots!

  17. 167
    helen

    Maybe Dale should consider a mail order bride. In many countries the economy and poverty is really bad and young women with no other options are open to marrying old men.

    1. 167.1
      RustyLH

      Stereotype much?

      I am currently talking with several women in Brazil. all of them college educated in the #3 economy in the Americas, #1 in South America. They all live very very nice lives. One is my favorite of the bunch…she’s a federal prosecutor who is 9 years younger than my 50 years, at 41. I’ve had women much younger who were very interested. Oh, and like the federal prosecutor, some of them want me to move there, and have zero interest in moving here. They have everything they want there except a good man. Family, good jobs, they don’t have to learn a new culture…and many of the that have been to the states tell me they don’t like it because it feels more “alive,” in Brazil…same for women I’ve met from Columbia.

      I am also talking with women from the Orient. Korea, China, etc… One in China is 40 and owns a business there. She’s mixed…looks exotic, and I was quite attracted to her. In fact I thought she was South American. She wants me to move there. I have a friend from New Zealand that live there and introduced me to her. He is 43 and just got married to a woman who is 42, but I was totally floored when i met her. I thought he had hooked up with a very young girl. She looks much younger. I was sure she was telling lies. She looks mid 20s. But no, she is 42. Clean living I suppose. No kids probably helps.

      Anyway, I have noticed that women here in the states comfort themselves with those stereotypes. You are convinced that these women are subservient. No, they aren’t. Not in my experience. You are convinced these women just want a green card to come to the states, and will leave as soon as they get citizenship. But no, the 2011 census showed that if I marry an American woman I have a near 60% chance of divorce, but if I marry a foreign woman, I have a 20% chance of divorce. Which odds would you choose? You are convinced these women have no other options, and yet many of them give up good lives to move here. A friend of mine is married to a woman who was a doctor in Mexico. She is having trouble here, not because it is impossible for her to get certified…no it’s not hard at all…if you understand English well enough. She is struggling with that a bit. Once she feels comfortable with it enough to read the tests and understand them, she can work as a doctor here. Not sure if you’ve noticed but many doctors here are not “American.” My present doctor is a man from South America. Very thick accent but I understand him just fine.

      As I’ve said, I’ve had women much younger than me who were interested. But I, unlike many men am realistic. While I appreciate the fact that women in other countries do not view men aging the same way American women do, and that is very very attractive, I don’t want a woman so much younger that we don’t have anything in common but sex. And here’s the thing, I don’t need Viagra, but admit using it when in relationships because I can have sex like I was when I was in my early 20s. But I’m not looking for sex. If that’s all I wanted I can get that here. For me, even the women who are 34 start to make me feel a bit nervous, even though they are great when we talk and I know many men here who have married women as much as 20 years younger and those relationships are going strong. I just like better odds. I know that the 20% chance of divorce when marrying one of those girls goes up if you get unrealistic in your expectations. So I don’t prefer the girls who look like they can be movie stars or models. Extremely attractive…just a bit below that model good looks…sure. Most of them women I talk to are very very attractive. But of those, I am most interested in those between 6 and 12 years younger. To men a little older than me are both married to Brazilian women 13 years younger and I know these women very well. They are very happy. One, the husband is 60 Does he look younger than 60? Yes…but not 10 or 20 years younger. He looks about 52 to 54. I was shocked to learn how old he really is. He has been a “jock” all his life, and a Christian that never does drugs, tobacco or alcohol. Lifts weights too. Has a muscular physique. Very active, and in very good shape. In short he had very little in common with women his age. He got tired of his age being a problem so he like many men these days, went where his age isn’t a problem. His wife is 47 and is very beautiful. Very in shape, and has an incredible body. They are both very happy.

      But as I said, I want to keep it realistic. My personal favorite is the federal prosecutor. She asked why I wanted a Brazilian woman. I explained the reasons, and one of them was the lack of physical affection. She told me that she has been to the states a few times and said that she believed me based on what she saw. She said that compared to Brazilians, Americans aren’t affectionate. She said it felt cold here as a result. No love…she said. She then said…well, if you want to marry a Brazilian woman, you better like being touched because it is a big part of our culture. If the Brazilians in my church are an example, she is not lying.

      Again, I am being realistic though. I have looked into moving to Brazil. Actually joined a website called Gringos.com which is a website catering to westerners living in Latino countries, and those who travel to them a lot. I have learned that Brazil is not so easy to get a job in, and for me it would be impossible because I don’t know any Portuguese. Quite funny to me though, a 34 year old nurse I discussed this with told me not to worry about it. In short she offered for me to be a kept man if I would move there. Just not my thing though.

      Anyway, in my experience, and research into this…I find that so long as men are realistic, they can have a much better wife and marriage by going this route. It is the guys who are hugely fat, very ugly, or flat broke that will be disappointed when they marry a 25 woman who could be a model. In those cases, I am willing to bet she does want to come here, and will leave him. But those who are realistic can have women comparable to women who aren’t giving them the time of day here. I think this is simply the right thing to do. If you aren’t getting what you want here, then maybe look someplace else. Maybe women should do the same thing. But then,, you just might ind that American men really aren’t so bad.

  18. 168
    Dan

    Old post, I know, but … as a man in his late 40s, I really want to meet women who are about my age, give or take a few years.  Basically, someone who graduated high school in the 1980s.  However, I’m finding that a majority of women my age have age preferences resembling the stereotypical range of men – a couple of years older if any, and a decade or two younger.  If I write to a local 40-something woman, far more often than not, it’s crickets.   Meanwhile, I’m bombarded with messages, winks, likes, and profile views from women in their late 50s and early 60s, many claiming to be “youthful”, “young in spirit”, and so on.  I can’t be the only one this is happening to, can I?

    1. 168.1
      hunter

      ..you are “bombarded with messages?”….lucky you……..

  19. 169
    Wendy

    I am kind of late to the party on this as I only recently discovered this site. After a long break and trepidation, I am back on Match. I am (so I’m told) an ageless 54 year old. I get a lot of views and likes from guys in their 60’s and 60 is my age limit. It really cracks me up to see guys my age who are nothing to write home about wanting 30-44. The other day, there was a 77 year old who wanted 50-65. All I have to say is that you guys had best have a lot of money.

  20. 170
    Steve

    I’m 51, and up until I closed my match.com account several weeks ago, the only real action I was getting was from women three to nine years older than me. Women five years younger wouldn’t even give me the time of day, and women who were the same age as me proved to be equally reluctant. It’s normal for men to want a younger woman, it’s how things worked for millennia until feminism came along and upended everything. So I don’t think Dale is unreasonable for wanting a younger woman. Maybe a twenty-year spread is pushing things a bit, but five to ten years younger doesn’t seem unrealistic to me.
    I must be pretty unattractive to be able to get only that kind of interest. So lack of interest from women as well as no real prospects worth approaching is why I closed all of my online dating accounts. OLD works for some people, it doesn’t work for me. I’m going to try my luck in the real world and see how I do, but if that fails, then I guess I’ll just have to accept that some people aren’t meant to have partners or be loved, and I might be one of them.

    1. 170.1
      Gale

      Steve,
      Unfortunately Online dating is about marketing yourself. Get great photos ( most men have terrible photos online) and do some research on how to write a great profile. Then learn how to write to women. If a man has those things I will write him back…if not then I probably won’t. I have a lot of younger men write me online but they are the uninteresting ones with bad photos and profiles. I spent a lot of time on my profile to get the responses I get. I’ve purchased some of Evan’s products as well as others. It has helped.

      1. 170.1.1
        hunter

        …writing a “great” profile is close to impossible for the average man….

  21. 171
    Karl R

    Steve said: (#170)
    “the only real action I was getting was from women three to nine years older than me.”
    “OLD works for some people, it doesn’t work for me.”
    “Maybe a twenty-year spread is pushing things a bit, but five to ten years younger doesn’t seem unrealistic to me.”
     
    My hypocrisy detector just red-lined.
     
    You think women who are 3 to 9 years older than you are OLD.
    Doesn’t it stand to reason that the women who are 5 to 10 years younger than you might also think men who are 3 to 9 years older than them are OLD?
     
    Steve said: (#170)
    “It’s normal for men to want a younger woman,”
     
    It’s also normal for women to want younger men. That’s why you were hearing from women 3 to 9 years older than you. They wanted a younger man, just like you wanted a younger woman.

    1. 171.1
      Gale

      Amen..My last boyfriend contacted me online and he was 3 yrs. younger than me. Everyone thought I was younger than him. 3 yrs. older is not old…We were together 5 yrs.

  22. 172
    Jenny

    I empathize with Dale. I am 34, successful, and mature for my age. Therefore, I tend to connect more with older men, but the ones I meet too do not want marriage or children. They even “test the waters” with me in the very beginning to see if I want marriage/children, especially when I reply that I am not married and have no children. As soon as I say yes, I never hear from them again. Granted, there has been the rare occasion that I meet an older man that also wants what I want, but quickly I learn, there is a good reason he has not accomplished these things before in his life, i.e. immaturity/unsuccessful/etc.
    Best of luck Dale, I completely understand from a younger woman’s perspective.

  23. 173
    tamara

    The world is a rather shallow place. I’m in my mid-20s now, only working part-time, and yet I get messages from very successful older men (in their 40s, 50s, etc) who do seem to be serious about dating me. I had to stop dating due to some family problems and the men I had met were very reluctant to stop dating. Yes it’s flattering to get all this attention now, but I see the flipside: these successful men are turning down the chance to date successful women their own age to date someone my age even though I have very little career or income in comparison to many older women. So if women don’t make good use of their chances when they’re in their 20s and 30s, it becomes a much harder task to date an attractive successful man after that, unless he’s like in his 60s or above.

  24. 174
    Ronnie

    I find that the biggest practical problem in life is that attractive young women are to be found in environments that are so different fromworking in professional environments that you may as well be living on the moon. I get to meet middle aged blokes who are generally married who introduce me to other middle aged blokes. The eligible girls are hanging around with those they study with etc. I have found no practical answer to this. Dating sites are the worst option rather than a solution. I found it 100 times tougher to get a positive reaction from them than what is possible in real lifeve despite the meeting people difficulties.

  25. 175
    Jeremy

    I am 56 and on Match. Divorced for 9 years and yet to find a companion via online dating. I’ve had 4 long term relationships since my divorce and remain close to each woman. Three wanted marriage but I was not ready to get married again. The first was 13 years younger. I felt uncomfortable with the age difference but was 47 and in the best shape I’d been in years. She pursued me and seemed to enjoy my company so I just didn’t bring it up. The second was a woman 4 yrs younger. I liked the idea that we were at least in high school at the same time and related to her ad a contemporary. That does make a big difference. The third was a woman 10 years younger. The age difference was not so extreme that it was uncomfortable and it was clear we were mutually attracted to each other. Number 4 is why I’m writing. At age 55 a woman 35, extremely attractive pursued me. I’m not rich, not particularly good looking. Have two grown kids so I cannot for the life of me figure out her attraction other than to say I’m a lot of fun. She was the mother of two ages 5 and 8, comes from a close well adjusted and actually powerful Washington family so it wasn’t some broken childhood issue. I told her”I’m 20 years older and I’ve raised two children.” She said the age difference didn’t matter to her. So, we started dating. Now, folks who saw us in restaurants would ask “was that your daughter?” Very odd but, I fell deeply in love with her and did ask her to marry me. She was very surprised and obviously more than flattered but demurred. I’m actually glad she did because in my heart, as much as I love the fantasy of living a great life with her I also want to find someone for her HER own age so she can grow old with that person. In other words she may not be looking for a father figure but I have some paternalistic feeling about this. I’m sure her father who is only 10 years my senior is appalled that she PREFERS older men (her explanation) as I would be if my daughter introduced a 45 treat old to me.  My issue is now I’ve lived this fountain of youth fantasy and find it hard to date women my own agpursue ave been out with a few on Match, 2nd and 3rd dated but haven’t moved forward because the experience of my younger friend was so fantastic. I believe a little more time to get over that relationship is what I need. I did learn that even at 56 I’m capable of falling head over heels in love and ready to get married again.  I he ant it to be with the right person and expect that I will be with someoage more my age. 

  26. 176
    DC

    Last night while having dinner with a platonic lady friend, we had a chat and being 52 and often told I look 40-42 I realize that I am not able to be a Dad now. Although I have always wanted to be, I just met the wrong ladies and luck was not on my side. I find myself getting tired by 10:30-11:00. I even wanted to adopt a child who is 8 but she as a mother of a 16 year old and a 21year old pointed out to me still it is a lot of work.
    I have often been told I would have made a great husband and Dad. Well being a great husband is always on the table but a great Dad only to someone else’s child who is grown would probably be the best option. This is a hard reality for me to accept but as an intelligent and reasonable guy I have to accept reality. 
    I too am attracted to younger ladies, however when i say younger 40-48. Then why not 50? 54? And I say at this time in my life – Why not?

  27. 177
    Gale

    I didn’t get a chance to read through all of the posts here. My brother who is 50 married a 33 year old woman and they plan on having children. She is extremely overweight and has health issues. I feel that the problem with the over 50 male wanting a younger woman to have children with is that he wants a “hot” gorgeous younger women and these women have many choices. Perhaps if they write to the less attractive women they may have a better chance. I am 53 yrs. old and have 2 grown sons. I am finding that  the men who write to me online are men who have never been married and don’t want children or they have grown children. There is a young beautiful woman at my gym who dates much older men. She has 2 children from 2 different older men, takes the men to court for child support and doesn’t marry them.  I would call her a predator.  She is living very well.
    I’m certainly not saying that all women who date older men are like that. I got married to a 37 yr. old man when I was 22. ( we are now divorced) As I approached 30 I realized we had little in common and he was very insecure and jealous. I now date men a few yrs. younger or a few yrs. older only. I do get emails from 65+ men all the time online. Now I simply hit the delete button.I have one 71 yr. old that has tried to contact me 5 or 6 times. If I respond politely thanking them and simply saying we aren’t a match,I will get an angry reply or a reply trying to convince me otherwise.
    Anyhow, There are many men my age who will not even look at my profile because I am not in their”age”bracket. Luckily that isn’t always the case. I even date men a few years younger than me.
    Online dating can be frustrating for men and women at any age. I agree with Evan that it gives people the “illusion” of choice. 
    That’s enough for now..
     

    1. 177.1
      hunter

      Gale,
      ..well said….

  28. 178
    Claire

    You know, I just turned 57 and consider myself very young and vivacious. I am in the last stages of getting a PhD, do CrossFit, and feel I look and act more like a woman of 40- 45, not 57. I would love to meet a man within a few years of my age. I often think if a man can’t remember Kennedy’s assassination, then we won’t be on the same page in terms of cultural memory. But men my age? Oh brother – they seem to be winding down, not learning new things, thinking about retirement, and are letting themselves fall apart physically. The kind of men I want are 45-50 years of age. I think if a younger man meets me first, there might be an opportunity there. But online? What 45-50 year old man is going to respond to a 57 year old woman when he can easily get a woman who is 40-50, or even 35? 

    1. 178.1
      Henriette

      Trust me… most 50 year-old men cannot get a 35 year-old woman!

  29. 179
    hunter

    ….the 45-50 yr. old man is missing out….I am late 50’s, seeing an older woman….

  30. 180
    Kate

    I don’t know if anyone has brought this up yet, but there can be serious heath effects of having a child by an older man. The most common is children growing up with mental health issues. As we age, our bodies fall a part. It makes sense that as men get older, they produce less viable off spring so to speak. This is the main reason I don’t want to date an older man.

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