How Do You Write An Email To Someone With Nothing Interesting in Her Profile?

My question is how do you write someone who says nothing in her profile that you can relate to as a member of your sex? Specifically, oftentimes I find profiles of women who only list feminine interests in their profiles. They talk about shopping, liking chick lit, and fashion and nothing else that I as a typical guy am going to have any interest in. I’m sure that many women encounter an equivalent problem too with mens’ profiles. Let’s say that I’m interested in a woman like this, even if she has a badly written profile, how do you advise I begin communicating with her?

John

Allow me to answer your real letter with a fake letter, okay?

Dear John,

I’m reading your profile right now. I notice you’re interested in mixed martial arts, the stock market, and golf. I notice you don’t really say much about what kind of boyfriend you’d be or how you’d like to build a life together. I don’t see anything that indicates that you’re a great communicator, or that you have a good sense of humor. In short, there’s not much for me to work with here. In fact, there’s very little to give me hope that if we were to sit across a dinner table for two hours, we would have anything in common to discuss.

What do you have to say to that?
-Mary

Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?

I don’t know about you, John, but if I got that question from Mary, I’d be thinking: “Then why would you consider writing to me at all?! If you’re thinking of going out with me despite the fact that I didn’t say anything interesting, that must mean that you’re solely writing because you think I’m cute or because you think I’m rich. And frankly, I don’t want to go out with anyone who wants me exclusively for those reasons.”

I may be in the minority on that one, but that’s how I truly feel.

So allow me to ask you, point-blank, John: Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?

Because she’s pretty?

Yeah, that and $.75 will buy you a Snickers bar.

I’m not picking on you, my friend – no more than I pick on all of my clients who do the same exact thing.

I’ll usually give them a homework assignment to build up their online favorites list. The following week every woman on the list looks like she’s a Maxim magazine reject. Each one is hotter and sluttier looking than the next. Same with my women clients, who often think that they should be paired with young, square-jawed, muscular cuties, regardless of whether they themselves are modelesque. Hey, we want what we want, right?

So my first answer to you is this: stop writing to people who have nothing to say. Because if you do, you’re pretty much inviting yourself to spend time and money on a very boring first date. Not always. I’m sure there’s some gorgeous woman out there who wrote nothing interesting who is simply AMAZING conversation. But it would seem to me that your better bet would be in looking for the women who are 7’s in looks and 10’s in personality. That’s where you find the keepers, in my experience.

So my first answer to you is this: stop writing to people who have nothing to say.

My second answer to you – the one you really want to hear – is this: use her girly details to your benefit. If she says she loves reading Martha Stewart Living, you can talk about the magazine they named after you, which teaches men how to artfully drape their underwear over the lamp without setting your house on fire. If she says she likes gardening, you can talk about how inefficient it is as a means of sustenance. After all, it took you nearly two months just to make one salad! If she says she likes shopping, you can talk about how you do, too – as long as it takes less than a half-hour and only occurs once a year. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with having clothes from high school if your date’s never seen ‘em before.

This technique is known as Fun Fiction and is fully articulated and fleshed out in Volume 4 of my Finding The One Online CD series. There’s even a workbook included which shows you exactly how to do it. If you’re serious about getting results, you should give it a whirl – and at least consider the idea that the hot chick with nothing to say may not be your ideal first date.

By the way, my new Facebook Page is now up (thanks to Thomas, my stellar intern!) and I’m going to be engaging in more regular discussions on there. Just click here or on the blue Facebook icon on the right sidebar to connect with me. See you there!

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 31
    JuJu

    Sophie,
    since you used the phrase “due to the strength of your profile”, I have to counter with the following: yes, there are many people online. A veritable bounty. So many profiles that it would be impossible to look through them all even if you wanted to.

    And yet, how many profiles are actually well written, language-wise? How many people have anything interesting to say? How many _adults_ can even spell?

    In my experience with online dating, it’s way fewer than 10%. Which is why, knowing perfectly well how my profile stands out in that sea of [at best] mediocrity, I expect a fitting response.

    FWIW, this was precisely that guy’s reasoning: that this way he doesn’t spend too much time on a woman who might not be interested, and if she is interested, she will wink back. Only for me this means that even if I would have been otherwise interested in the guy, now I won’t reply because, instead of writing a letter to introduce himself properly, he chose to wink. That is just not something I see a quality man doing.

  2. 32
    downtowngal

    Kathleen #5, I’m not sure why your experience relates to Evan’s advice. Are you saying that a guy will go for either personality OR looks, based on your current situation?

    Any guy who TELLS you you’re a “7″ in the looks (or any other) dept is being judgemental, so you need to ask yourself if this is the type of guy you want to be with. Don’t sell youself short – one man’s 7 is another’s 10+. You want a guy who likes you for YOU and not rate you on a number’s scale.

  3. 33
    Diana

    The winks and flirts do bother me, but it’s much more annoying when they do this and there’s no indication they read my profile. It borders on rude to me. I wouldn’t dream of winking or emailing a guy based on his looks alone. If you think about winks in a real-life situation, I think most guys wait until the woman smiles at them before possibly approaching her. I don’t think the guy sits across the way and winks or smiles without a sense of invitation from the girl.

    The winks give me the impression that the guy’s sitting there looking only at thumbnails and clicking away to as many women as possible without regard to who these women are, myself included. What’s the point of writing a good profile, if few bother to read it? If you haven’t made the effort to read my profile, I’m not interested.

    It is on the rarest of occasion when I will respond to a wink beyond a “No thanks,” and let the guy know that I am open to his reading my profile. And what do you think happens? He is never seen or heard from again, often with a profile that’s gone missing. Scammers I guess. Case proven.

    Those who are truly interested and are cut from some of the same threads as I will make that little bit of extra effort, and send an email. I try to not be picky about the email’s lack of creativity, etc. because hey, at least the guy tried. That’s more than I can for most of them. But whatever you do, don’t send me a cut and paste job ~ those are worse than winks!

  4. 34
    Kristyn

    @ Steve #20
    You forgot playful sense of humor!

    And oh my!!

  5. 35
    mic

    Very interesting topic, gets right down to the core issue. If a profile is written well, how much can it compensate for less-than-desired physical attractiveness, and how much is it merely an excuse for someone to write based mostly on physical attraction? Why hasn’t anyone tested how carefully a profile is read, if it’s read at all, after the picture is seen?

  6. 36
    LadyPac

    I keep receiving emails from men who apparently have nothing interesting to say either in their messages or on their profiles.
    I never write them back.
    Mass messages to attractive women are extremely easy to spot and will never pique the interest of anyone over an IQ and/or EQ over 92.
    Any guy who just looks at pics and then tries to get in touch with women whom he finds attractive regardless of what they have (or don’t have) to say on their profiles automatically disqualify themselves in my world.

  7. 37
    JuJu

    Why hasn’t anyone tested how carefully a profile is read, if it’s read at all, after the picture is seen?

    What do you mean, mic?

  8. 38
    Steve

    Selena #30
    And no shrinkage even out in the snow! Dazzling.

    Don’t ruffle my feathers :)

  9. 39
    Angela

    I get winks from guys that I feel do read my profile. After I respond to the wink for some the email is well though out and it is obvious that they have read my profile. I just do not jump to assumptions like so many here do. I enjoy online dating so far. I have met many men and have had fun. But I am not so vested as so many here seem to be to online dating. Its not the be all end all for me. I still go out and meet many men as well.

  10. 40
    mic

    It seems self-evident. Does the average person bother to read a profile (on a different page) if the picture doesn’t generate physical attraction? That could be measured by clicks. How carefully the profile is read probably could be tested by asking questions a few minutes later (maybe if quotes had been shown before or not), though that might only work if a few profiles are viewed in a session. Probably whether actual profile text matters could be tested by creating dummy profiles of people well matched in attractiveness (and age, coloring, body type, etc.) with very different descriptions and comparing the response rates of each. People who are above-average in attractiveness likely are overconfident that personality descriptors matter much to suitors and possibly end up with those who are good at pretending that they’re not shallow.

  11. 41
    mic

    “Don’t judge a book by its cover” leads to “Pretend not to judge a book by its cover,” when instead the advice should be “Present yourself accurately in a good way.” It’s a more level playing field that way, with supply in looks closer to meeting the demand and therefore encouraging people to look beyond the surface.

  12. 42
    JB

    Evan is right and his answer is politically correct but in the real world
    of online dating. It’s 98% photo contest 2% profile substance. I’ve
    been dating a woman for 6 weeks that had 2 sentences,a head shot and a headline that said she liked 1 sport I did. After emailing her for snicks & giggles and busting on her for her sparse profile she responded and had a lot to say to my surprise…lol
    Is she the woman of my dreams? No. Have we had a great time the last 6 weeks ?? You bet. Guys don’t have the options women do so you might as well email anyone who you find attractive. You’ve got nothing to lose except 2 minutes. My male recon profiles say nothing and can have pretty much any woman they want….lol especially if they had a personality ;-)

  13. 43
    moon

    This is a great topic for me as I live in an area of the country where the MEN write about hunting, fishing, their car or motorcycle and how they like to, “live life to the fullest.” I ask them what it is about photographs of them with their kill that they believe would attract a mate, and they become insanely defensive. It’s often I get e-mails from men with completely dull profiles and who insist I write them, “because you’re really attractive to me.” What if I’m not attracted to them?

    I guess what I’m saying is: the shoe is now on the other foot for our writer. I think it happens far more to women than men. I usually send a polite, “no thanks,” unless I’m in a more open-minded mood to give it a chance. But, usually: what you see is what you get, or so far… So, yes…why are you writing that woman?

    moon

  14. 44
    JuJu

    LOL, thanks, moon, I needed a laugh! =D

    This reminded me of how this one guy (who turned out to be a total creep in person) was asking me at the end of the date when he can see me again, and I said that I see no point in seeing him again, since I am not attracted to him. To which he replied, “Yes, you are!”

    Turns out he thought I said “I am not attractIVE to you”, as if that makes any sense. =)

  15. 45
    moon

    I often find I jive with the Juju. Thanks, Juju!

    Yes, I do love it when they insist I get in touch with them because they think I’m cute. I mean, that’s great and all, but…

    moon

  16. 46
    mic

    The “latest kill” is supposed to show masculinity. Some women probably like that. But probably not the style (shorts and caps, for example) associated with fishing.

    To be slightly philosophical, “don’t judge” seems to foster thoughtlessness, lack of personal responsibility, confusion, and dishonesty. That people can’t be bothered to put much thought into how their dating profiles are perceived might be just the tip of the iceberg.

  17. 47
    starthrower68

    Moon,

    LOL, I’d like to even get as much as a picture with their latest kill and “live life to the fullest”; all I seem to be getting are profiles with no pictures, self-description, intro, or anything. Seriously? Are they that lazy? What is a person supposed to respond to? If they can’t even take the time to come up with a decent profile, that speaks volumes about the lack of effort they will put into any sort of relationship with me. I just pass them by.

  18. 48
    moon

    I was just thinking about the sociological permissions given by the Internet. My Dad hunts, but I cannot imagine him, in his dating days, taking his pictures to the bar to show to prospective girlfriends. Also, because my sister cries when she sees dead animals, he still can’t share them with her. A few years ago he shot a six point elk, which is a pretty big deal. He showed my the pictures, because he knew I would understand the significance of this, and because I know his hunting buddies (one of whom is a lady in her 80′s,) but he doesn’t just whip them out, anywhere.

    Then I got to laughing thinking a *hunter* or *fisherman* should be *smarter*! Hmmm…I want to catch a female…what kind of bait should I use? Lol…

    Unless a woman is from the hunting and fishing culture, and maybe even if she is, I cannot believe the dead animals are a hit.

    moon

  19. 49
    JuJu

    That people can’t be bothered to put much thought into how their dating profiles are perceived might be just the tip of the iceberg.

    Ah, mic, that is so profound!
    Seriously, why do we even advertise ourselves on various dating sites? To attract a mate, no? Wouldn’t it stand to reason, then, that we should put our best foot forward in this endeavor?

  20. 50
    starthrower68

    Here’s another thing I really like: a guy keeps sending you the “I’m interested” wink/flirt, but then never sends an actual e-mail because he doesn’t want to pay for a subscription. And of course the website won’t let anyone put in or even hint at an e-mail address. So this clown just wants to keep winking. That’s all you’re gonna get back too, pal…..

  21. 51
    starthrower68

    Ok, here’s one for the books: I’m browing profiles on a site I’m using. Well, I make no secret about my faith, but I was also very mindful not to say anything that comes across as trying to force my beliefs on anyone else. I felt that I did a good job of expressing the importance of my faith without coming across as overbearing, but I did feel it was important to mention, as I am looking for a like-minded soul. But anyway, I look at one profile and the person says he’s agnostic. Ok, fine moving on. But he, however, felt the need to send two e-mails telling me how not interested he is in a born-again Christian. I didn’t initiate any contact whatsoever, and he sent an e-mail that said, “I’m not ever going to be interested in a born again Christian”. Wow, ya couldn’t have just let it go, Tarzan? Was that so I could feel like I got served? I just simply replied, “I didn’t ask”.

  22. 52
    moon

    starthrower: AMEN! If a man is too strapped or hopeless to pay the subscription, what is he doing winking? Like I’m going to pay for his attraction?

    moon

  23. 53
    hunter

    Steve you get flooded with e-mails from women wanting only sex? You lucky dog, that is every man’s fantasy.

  24. 54
    Selena

    @Starthrower #51

    That was amusing. What do you suppose would possess someone to send emails specifically saying they were NOT interested because of what the person put in their profile? What kind of a mind works like this?

    I wonder if he does this with other aspects besides religion? Maybe there are women out there getting unsolicited emails stating “I’m never going to be interested in _________ ” you name it…height, hair color, occupation, hobby, on and on. Maybe it’s a tactic so they will write him back to convince him otherwise? Maybe he’s just a moron.

  25. 55
    mic

    People don’t seem to put much thought into how they present themselves in the real world nor why they react to others the way they do, dating situations included. Why would you expect much of a difference online? Of course without audio, alcohol, pheromones, etc., online dating profiles tend to highlight flaws that might be less obvious in person. Realistically, the only way for the online situation to change much involves dating sites urging members to present themselves better. And, yes, good point about the dead animal itself being a turn-off.

  26. 56
    starthrower68

    Selena, that is a very good question. The second e-mail said “especially people who can’t read a profile.” Wow. Some people’s behavior just kinda leaves ya at a loss for words. I don’t know if he was itching for a fight or wanting to make a woman prove herself or what. I decided it wasn’t worth getting angry over.

  27. 57
    JuJu

    starthrower,
    I guess some people just take a visit to their profile a little too seriously. :-o

  28. 58
    Steve

    @54

    I have women friends, rude or not, prominently write in their profiles that they are not interested in dating conservative men, hunters, people who fish, etc. Yet, they get *serious* inquiries from men who are these things, who have nothing in common with them and who live *hours* away.

  29. 59
    Selena

    @58

    It would seem then, that either these men skip reading the profiles, or…they think the women will make an exception for them? Hope springs eternal.

  30. 60
    Kristyn

    Your stories about hunters and religion reminded me of a avid hunter who contacted me a while back. I work with a lot of hunters and in an industry that is supported somewhat by hunters – so I have no issue. My religion is also very important to me so i mention it in my profile as well. Mr. hunter and I start to exchange emails and then in the next couple of emails, he tells me mulitple times that he is not going to ever be involved in my religion. So i quit writing thinking it must be a deal breaker for him. He continues to email me. He tells me he hunts so much that it has been an issue in quite a few of his last relationships but he isn’t going to change who he is for someone. Then i get an email “breaking” things off with me as he needs someone who can focus exclusive attention on him and he didn’t think a single mom will be able to do that.

    I found it extremely interesting that his hunting should be a priority to him but he felt he should take precedent over someone else’s priorities. Funny thing – he sent me at least three more emails.

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