How Many Emails Do The Most Attractive Women Get Online?

How Many Emails Do The Most Attractive Women Get Online?

In preparation for my free teleclass next Tuesday, I’m going to be asking two new online questions each day and would greatly appreciate your responses. With your participation, I think we can all learn something fundamental about online dating. So here’s my first question:

How many emails do you think the most attractive women in their 20’s and 30’s get per a week on a major dating site?

Please respond in the comments below.

Talk to you soon!

Evan

P.S. Don’t worry – our regular Thursday reader questions will still be answered as long as I’m in town.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    James B

     
    @Evan 42:
     
    Evan, I’m really interested in your comment about “90% of men, by your standards, are always going to be inappropriate…” Thus, can you shed some light on the below?
     
    In my experience, I would say that even very average girls get deluged with messages. A girl in my social circle (friend of a friend) is on Match and whilst she’s relatively tall/slim (albeit with no figure), she’s not remotely attractive, has bad teeth, puts no effort into her appearance and half the time looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards/hasn’t had a wash. I know that sounds really harsh but I’m afraid it’s the truth. She’s a nice person but doesn’t have much of a personality and has a constant air of desperation about her. She’s made numerous overtures to not only myself but a couple of friends too. Yet, ONLINE…
     
    She’s an entirely different person. Despite the fact that her profile pictures aren’t especially great, her profile is full of spelling/grammar mistakes and the usual terrible clichés (likes going to gigs, walks on the beach, looking for that special someone bla bla bla), she’s hyper fussy with regards to her criteria, receives lots of messages (most flake) but she does go on quite a lot of dates according to my friend (although they never go any further in the long term).
     
     
    Do you think this happens because women (particularly in their 20s/early 30s) receive so many messages, that they lose sense of reality? Hence, an over-exaggerated sense of their demand/importance in the online world?
     
    I see it as somewhat analogous to how people act tough Online/Forums/Facebook etc, & say things to others they wouldn’t dare say in person. They become completely different people. I think this occurs with regards to Online Dating too i.e. people completely reinvent themselves.
     
    Would be interested in your opinion on this Evan.

  2. 62
    Goldie

    @ James B
     
    “as women get older they have to more accepting/cognisant of undesirable physical traits/baggage in a prospective partner because they don’t have figure they used to, may have baggage as well & have to accept that some men in their 40s (if single and affluent) will be chasing much younger women. Thus, their amount of choice is far less so compromises have to be inevitably made particularly with regards to looks.”
     
    Harsh, but probably true… I would rephrase it, though. As we all get older, we all begin to have serious issues. As in, almost every guy in my age group whose profile I see online, has a skeleton in his closet. Compared to things like: still separated with the ex still in the picture, full-time dad of young kids, special-needs children living at home, drinking problems, mental problems… the list goes on and on… “too short” isn’t even a blip on the radar. Things just fall into their proper perspective as we get older. I guarantee you, last time I dated (age 17-20) I was shallow as all get out. So no, I have no advice for a shorter guy in his 20s on how to succeed online. Agree with you, maybe it isn’t time for him to even be online yet.
     
    “I suppose that’s to be expected in the same way that if you’re a tall girl, you’ll probably receive less attention/views than a shorter girl due to having less options.”
     
    LOL no… not that I’ve noticed.

  3. 63
    Nicole

    @Goldie, seriously. 
     I’m a short (okay average height) woman in a family of “tallies” and my 6 foot tall (sometimes taller) FEMALE cousins, aunts, and yes, grandma had no shortage of suitors of ALL heights.  And grandma and at least two aunts married men who were several inches shorter than them.  

    And my tall friends (who have all dated short men by the way) say that short guys hit on them ALL of the time, and I’ve seen it in real life with my tall friends.  

    Now I live someplace where a good portion of the men seem obsessed with something else entirely, so I’m thinking based on the popular preferences, tall isn’t so in out here, but in general, tall girls don’t lack for suitors. 

  4. 64
    James B

    @Goldie,
     
    It wasn’t designed to be harsh, I’m just straight-talking ;-) Perhaps I should have rephrased it and agree that it’s not just women who need to make compromises as they get older. 5-10 years ago there’s no way I’d have gone out with someone who had a child or was say a size 14 (UK). It still wouldn’t be ideal but if the right person came along, I’d make the compromise. None of us are perfect after all!
     
    But I think we can certainly agree that as man in your 20s/early 30s, unless you’re really at the top end of average height (5ft 10, 5ft 11), or taller (6ft +), you’re better pursuing other options than online dating particularly if you’d like a partner who’s attractive.
     
    As for the tall comment, it wasn’t designed to be offensive but I think it’s common sense that if you’re a women of average height/a little shorter, you’re likely to appeal to a greater cross section of men (taller, average and short). For example, about 10 years ago, I was asked out by a girl who was 5ft 11 and she was very attractive. However, when she wore heels she was 6ft 3. I’d have felt like a small child with her seeing as I’m 5ft 9 ;-) so turned her down. I still would now to be honest.

  5. 65
    Johnny

    Am always suspicious why a really attractive girl would be online in first place especially if she is in her twenties!!! Is it attention seeking, is she serious about finding someone? An attractive women can surely find someone offline!! 
    Anyway a girl I know (mid twenties) is online and she gets loads of messages. She’ is not really good looking and her profile is totally rubbish it is about 4 lines worth. Most the messages she gets are LAME!! Like ‘Your gawjus, fancy goin out?’ ‘Hi, you’re too nice for me but thought i’d send you a message anyway. hope to hear soon.’

  6. 66
    Steve

    former girlfriend was on match and she is pretty fit british slang for hot by the way. told me that she got about 200 messages in the first week and less in following weeks but still over 50 new messages a week. she got tired of dealin with it. most of the messages were from losers

  7. 67
    Dan

    Girl I knew in London received over 500 messages in her first week on pof. Over 300 in her 2nd week. A min of 75 messages beyond that each week. She said most guys would spam her inbox send her numerous messages without even realising. These blokes must have been sending exact same messages to 100s of different girls.

  8. 68
    anonymous

    I put up an experimental  profile at okcupid. I listed myself as married (I am) and looking only for friends, and then told men they “probably shouldn’t” message me. It’s been one day, and I’ve received maybe 25 messages. Not so many, but I’m sure it would be more if I were single and encouraging. However, I’ve had hundreds of profile visits in a single day. My “average” number will get up to around 120, then get knocked down to 100. The has been at least one visitor at my profile at all times since I put it up. I’m 35 but significantly more attractive than average. The men who have messaged me fall between 19 and 50 years in age. 

  9. 69
    mstfd

    @ James…I’m sure you’re very attractive Goldie but as women get older they have to more accepting/cognisant of undesirable physical traits/baggage in a prospective partner because they don’t have figure they used to, may have baggage as well & have to accept that some men in their 40s (if single and affluent) will be chasing much younger women. Thus, their amount of choice is far less so compromises have to be inevitably made particularly with regards to looks.
     
    No, James.  You couldn’t be more wrong…I’m 48 and granted I do look at least 10 years younger than that.  No problems with the 35-50 age group, just got tired of them responding to a picture and failing to read the ad.  The man of my dreams I did meet was because of a blind ad that I ran-decided I was looking for substance, not just someone attracted to me physically.  We plan to marry next year.  He’s in his 40’s and very successful, not interested in girls, only intelligent women.  Some men are mature…

  10. 70
    Zaq

    If all men under 5 ft 10 give up OLD that could have a very beneficial effect, as MOST men are under this height.
    If men over the age of 50, those without higher education, and those on average salaries got off as well, we could get rid of the complaints of inappropriate men contacting.

    Surely then we could get the emails down to manageable numbers for the women to be able to email back, and have the added benefit of those left being of the required quality level.

    I’m sure all the women here will be saying a big YES to this. Why isn’t some enterprising individual or group setting up an OLD site to give women what they actually want ? – not a bunch of losers 

  11. 71
    AussiePistola

    Hi, I’m a 26 yr old guy, started trying dating sites recently. I hope my experience can spread some light on why ladies get so many messages.

    When I started, I would go through my matches, carefully reading profiles, seeing if I thought I would get along with someone. If I thought we would get along, I would write a (I like to think) well thought out, witty and charming introductory message.

    After about a week, and no responses, my introductions started getting shorter. I got a few responses and we would message back and forth, sometimes for weeks, but always when I prompted if they would like to chat real-time, the responses would stop dead.

    After that, I started skimming profiles and sending shorter messages (surprisingly sometimes It would spark a response). The only girl I’ve ever chatted to off-site contacted me first, and we realised within our first conversation there was no attraction, but we had some things in common so are still online friends.

    So I think girls not responding causes guys to start messaging more girls, which in turn causes girls to have to ignore more messages. I also think a lot of girls are on these sites for an ego boost, I know some girls that have boyfriends but are still on dating websites. I also think most girls are waiting to meet their knight in shining armour in a perfectly romantic moment, until they hit 30, realise they want kids, and start sending me winks.

  12. 72
    Chickenadobo1

    Im late 30s in Vegas. Last summer, I put up my best pics and wrote a “nice” profile. I got 3000 views and over 1000 emails in the first month. I couldnt even go through half of them. Most were obviously copy/paste all messages. This winter I put up ok pics and wrote a “bitchie” profile and listed my age as early 30s. I got 7000 views, about 700 emails and About half of them were copy/paste alls.

  13. 73
    Pinkie

    Fairly attractive 25 year old woman… In my first 24 hours on Match, with two photos posted, I had 70+ emails and winks, three men favorite me, and went on my first date the next day. I’ve been on for one week now and am averaging about 40+ men contacting me in some way per day. It really is slightly overwhelming…

  14. 74
    Percy

    im 32, 5’6 and have been told im good looking. I have used match on and off for years. I must say the height thing has never reallty been an issue, one girl did say she would be interested if i was a bit taller but thats about it. As a guy you do have to put in a bit of effort, but ive always managed to secure a date within a week of going on the site. My last two partners were from Match; but i must admit the general standard of girls that pay me attention on that site is considerably less than those in “real-life”. Im now single and determined to find a girl via a more conventional way. For instance i will always get girls glance at me when out, but online i would never get those same reponses from girls. Guess there are physical attritubes that dont translate online…thank god!!!

  15. 75
    Robyn

    I’m a very attractive woman in my upper 20’s and I have been getting around 50 emails a day.  I was not expecting so many.

  16. 76
    Alex

    I have a profile on match (I’m a man). I, too, was curious wonder how much activity a hot woman has on the site so today I made a fake profile.  It’s only been up 9 hours but it’s already gotten 64 emails, 4 VIP emails, 71 winks, 10 people added me as a favorite, and 671 page views.  33 people have chosen “interested” on the profile in their daily matches, the photos have had 2 likes, and I am always getting notifications someone wants to IM me whenever I’m logged in. Damn, this fake profile gets more action that I could possibly have imagined. I can only imagine if I really were this woman and this were my profile, it’d be all too overwhelming and I’d delete my profile. If only I could read the emails being sent to “me”! I made the profile rather realistic, but also made the girl sound very pretentious, snobby, materialistic, high maintenance, and intimidating.  But I guess nothing will deter a man as long as her photo is hot. What an interesting, and sadly revealing, experiment.

  17. 77
    Zaq

    @Alex

    The suggestion is that attractive females should take their picture down to reduce the numbers. If she puts the reason for no picture in the profile, she may get responses from men that actually read the profile.

    If you are a man that is tall, financially secure and shy you may get a reasonable response compared to real life. If you do not tick the boxes for height or income or age then it will be a struggle to meet someone anywhere near as attractive as in real life because there is no way to show status, confidence etc.

    Yesterday I spoke to two men I know about their on line dating experience. One was very tall, handsome and young. The other was over 50 and much shorter than average.
    One met the love of his life and married her. The other was completely disillusioned and has given up. Guess which one. 

     

  18. 78
    Brooke

    So I found this site bc I was wondering if it was weird that I was getting so many emails from guys on match already (I joined the site yesterday).. So far I’ve gotten 60 emails.  Was NOT expecting that!!

  19. 79
    James

    @Zaq – Unfortunately I think we know the answer to that one!!!

     
    I’ve said this many times with regards to men but if you’re under 5ft 10, the chances of success on these sites is fairly slim even if you’re above average attractiveness, in good shape, got a good career etc. Why? More often than not, you’ll be competing against men who are taller and thus seen as superficially more attractive. Furthermore, this is exacerbated by the fact there are way more men on these sites than women and as a consequence, women have MUCH MORE CHOICE.
     
    Writing a good profile…important? Not especially. Career? Nah. Writing funny/relevant/tailored first emails…again, not terribly important. Having good pictures and being a desirable height = Gold. MUCH MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. 
     
    My friend is dyslexic, has an ok job but nothing special, average profile & not remotely tailored first emails (usually with spelling mistakes) but is 6ft 3 and good looking. Response rate = over 50%. Need I say anymore?! ;-)

  20. 80
    hespeler

    I really can’t understand the obsession with height as if that feature alone will guarantee a greater success rate.  I’ve read a few of these blogs over the last few weeks and it seems that the prevailing wisdom is that if you’re tall you’re in and if you’re not you’re out.  I’ve also read plenty of comments from tall men lamenting online dating in the same manner shorter men have.
    My personal experience and stats: I’m 6’2″, in good shape (I show it off best I can without the shirtless pic which I won’t do), make six figures, am confident and well-written, and generally know how to flirt and be funny without crossing the line.  My one weak spot is my receding hairline.  If tall, in shape, and successful is the paradigm of success, imagine how frustrating it is to have one feature (not a full head of hair) holding you back.  Only thing is, I know it’s not really holding me back because just like height, it’s never that simple.
    I’ve been on Match for over 2 years and yes I’ve had plenty of dates but I’ve also had plenty of dry spells when I can’t get a girl to write me back to save my life. 
    Although I’ve had plenty of dates, 98% of them have been with women with whom I haven’t had much of an interest.  The few that I have been interested in have not resulted in a second date.  I can get a kiss or kisses out of it but then it’s back to the drawing board.  From what I’ve read, this experience seems to be consistent with taller men, shorter men and everything in between.  The reason is because in the online world we’re dealing with (the same goes for the men here as well so I’m not being hypocritical) women who have so much more choice than they would in the real world, women who don’t know what they want (the greater access to men online exacerbates this and confuses them), women who expect nothing less than George Clooney, women who are not online to seriously meet someone, women who expect instant chemistry on the first date and will just go to another option if she doesn’t see stars, women who have been burned before through a divorce or serious relationship who were picky when they were younger but have become ultra-picky because they sure aren’t going to make the mistake of picking the wrong guy again and the list goes on and on.  Also let’s add all the creeps that are online that just serve to aggravate women and make it even tougher for normal dudes.  Height in and of itself will not over ride all these factors.
    Now I can hear the responses – “some men wish they had the problems tall guys have”, “at least you’re getting dates, shorter guys don’t even get responses”, etc.  Believe me I get and feel just as ignored as men under 5’11”.  I, like everybody else, take a stab at the 10’s (most of the time without success) but I usually write to girls that are more realistic.  yes they are the ones I find attractive but they are not the 28 yo hotties.  They are the mid-to late thirties (I’m 38 and feel 20 years older because of online dating) that are maintaining their looks well but have something else that matches up well with me (interests, personality, etc.)…I hardly get a response.  I understand it’s all relative and that some will just be more successful than others.  This is a cold reality we all must face.  The 5’8″ man will say, “if I was only a few inches taller than I would be able to attract a girl that likes to wear heels.”  The 6’2″ guy like me will say, “if I only had a little more hair I would be able to really style it nice for a great online picture.”  EVERYONE is affected by the candy store that is online dating.
    I don’t see very many physically appealing women online and I can guarantee most women will say they don’t see many good looking guys online and around and around we go.  Seems like a 7 or 8 or even a 9 in the real world turns into a 5 or 6 online.  Such a strange phenomenon.
    And to those who say if I had height I could get the date and do things better than the tall guys and seduce the girl into a second or third date.  Don’t flatter yourself.  To many, you’re a number whether your 6’5″ or 5’5″ and unless you blow their doors off, it’s a bigger thrill to someone (man or woman) to go back to the candy store and open a new pack of candy rather than finish what you’ve already opened.
    The drop-dead beautiful girl I went out with 2 months ago told me that height never really mattered to her.  I didn’t get a second date.  My 6 feet 2 inches didn’t help me a bit there.
    If there’s one physical attribute that gives a guy a distinct advantage it’s probably your face.  I think woman are VERY particular when it comes to facial features.  The more you look like an actor or model, the better chance you have whether you’re 6 ft or 5’7″.

  21. 81
    kendall

    I wanted to share my two cents — im a mid twenties female and just joined match.com because I was curious. I would say im an 8.5/10 in the looks department and also strong in personality & brains. It’s been about 15 hours and i’ve had 60 responses (25 emails) and over 50% of the emails have been thought out and specific to me. I live in a medium size metro area.

    As for why someone like me would be on this site—while I do get hit on often when I’m out I would never date a man who picked me up at a bar. Other than that, I meet a few people a month randomly through shared interests/friends but I wanted to meet more people. 

    I am only keeping my profile up for a week, so we’ll see what happens. 

  22. 82
    Holly

    I would say I’m an average female (probably a 7). I signed up for okcupid the other day. Within less than 48 hours I had received about 80 new messages. I was so overwhelmed, I disabled my account on the second day. It’s like a full-time job to respond to all of those e-mails. I was extremely flattered, but I felt like I was being poked and prodded while trapped in a cage. Who has time to respond to 40 e-mails a day? I don’t. I’ll stick to traditional dating from now on.

  23. 83
    Clare

    When I was on a dating website I must say, all but a couple of the guys I wrote to did respond. I’m a reasonably attractive, intelligent 30 year old woman. But in my e-mails I always tried ask a question, relating to them, that I would find impossible to resist answering, if I were them (and this, actually, was based on an article I saw by you, Evan).

    So if the guy said he enjoyed surfing, I asked him how long it took him before he became good at it? I find guys love to talk about their hobbies, especially the technical side, and so you can never fail there. And all people like to be made to feel interesting. And to be complimented but not insincerely, ie. I would never dream of saying to someone, or replying to someone who said, “Hi gorgeous”.

  24. 84
    Clare

    I meant to put this comment on the article “What percent of people respond to your initial e-mails”. Sorry!

  25. 85
    Lauren

    I’m 27 years old. I’m labeled generally as “pretty” with a few “beautiful” comments and I’m about 5-10 pounds over my usual weight. (I refuse to rate myself on a number system, so that description will have to do).
    I live in the suburbs of a decent sized city (smaller than Dallas). In my first 4 HOURS on match I received around 50 contacts. I’m now a little less than 2 weeks out and am averaging around 100/week.

  26. 86
    Steph

    I must be really freaking ugly then, because I live in a mid-sized city and average about 2 per day on OkCupid. Wow, this page was a huge blow to my self-esteem.

  27. 87
    Mark

    What interesting responses. I am a 41 year old male living in a mid sized city (100k) with a large student population. I’ve have profiles on match (paid) and OkCupid (free). On OkCupid, I have received one email from a woman. It was one sentence long and in her photo, she was standing in front of a large confederate flag. I didn’t reply. On match I received an email from a very attractive and interesting woman, but she lived 250 miles away. And yes, she was a real woman. I sent a polite rejection and received a polite thank you in return. I have sent out several email, all carefully crafted, but everything gets dropped into a black hole. Worst is on Match, where women don’t even read the email because they don’t want to subscribe (can’t blame them). It is very disheartening to learn that there is such stiff competition for women at online dating sites.

  28. 88
    Piper

    I joined OkC two months ago and found my inbox filled now after coming back from vacation.  I average 40 – 50 messages a week. I’m 40+ yrs. old, have just a shoulder up shot and no profile. I initially joined to test the the waters because I have social phobia, never dated much, but know that I better start to. So I have no idea if my looks or numbers are average or not. But given my bland profile, I can only imagine the hottest girls in their 20’s receiving hundreds.
    Age range messaging me vary from 18-50+ , from pretty good looking to complete creepers.

  29. 89
    Mark

    @Piper:
    Interesting getting another report from a woman in my age group. I’m dealing with the same issues you are, so I thought online dating would be the way to go. Apparently not. Guess I’ll revert to the more traditional ways of meeting women. The odds are better.

  30. 90
    Kathleen

    Im 53 Probably considered on the hotter side, 6 foot blond athletic I get probably 7 messages a day but have been on Match for a while.
    One of the biggest obstacles are guys who have very poor quality photos . When I ask if they’d consider  posting other pics they frequently disregard my request and try hard to negotiate meeting. Ill always respond to a witty one liner that is personalized to my profile but those are rare in a sea of bland generic cut and paste messages.  

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