Racist, Sexist, Violent Stalkers Terrorize Innocent Women – Every Single Day

Racist, Sexist, Violent Stalkers Terrorize Innocent Women - Every Single Day

I’ve written before about what it’s like to be a woman in online dating.

But any chance I get to slam creepy guys who write racist, sexist, perverted, unwanted emails to innocent, unsuspecting women, well, hey, I’m glad to help.

According to New York Magazine, “Professional violinist Mia Matsumiya has been receiving inappropriate, upsetting, and downright creepy messages from strange men since the day she first went online. But unlike most women, she’s collected every single one she’s gotten over the last ten years and saved them in a folder called “creepiness.” By publishing them on her Instagram, @perv_magnet, Matsumiya is helping to expose the dark reality of what it’s like to be a woman — particularly a woman of color — online.”

While I can never walk a mile in a woman’s shoes, as a confidante and advocate for women for over a decade, it never ceases to amaze me how awful guys can be.

Such folks need to be outed and ostracized, blocked and reported, and somehow, be made to pay for the emotional torture they inflict on these poor women.

I alluded to this in my TEDx talk a couple of years ago, but reading the actual messages from men who threaten rape and violence to a total stranger takes it to a whole new level. There is no excuse for men like this. No possible way to explain it away as a joke that’s misunderstood. It’s just a weird, twisted power trip from the kind of guys who probably hit frogs with baseball bats when they were kids.

Such folks need to be outed and ostracized, blocked and reported, and somehow, be made to pay for the emotional torture they inflict on these poor women.

Click here to see a few of the emails and tweets that Mia has received over the years.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated – especially any explanation from a man as to what would inspire a guy to act like this. For the life of me, I can’t fathom it…

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Christine

    Unfortunately, I have been there and done that in receiving racist, creepy messages as an Asian woman.  Fortunately, though, those didn’t occur on a regular basis and the majority of men I encountered online were decent and respectful.   I blocked and reported those users.

    I will say, though, that I met my boyfriend online and couldn’t be happier with him now–and it would have been a shame to have missed out on that by letting a few creepy guys scare me off from online dating completely.  Just proceed with caution.  It behooves us all to follow Evan’s advice in really getting to know and vet someone before meeting him, so we’re not meeting true “strangers”.

     

    1. 1.1
      Christine

      Oops, meant to just say that I blocked and reported the creepy users–not the decent and respectful ones. What can I say, haven’t had my coffee yet.  🙂

  2. 2
    Lisa

    Wow!  As an online dating veteran, I can’t say I’ve ever had any violent threats.  God knows I’ve seen my share of penis’s….cuz that’s what every girl wants to see from the man of her dreams…NOT!

    I knew that in the days of Microsoft Messenger, if a guy wanted to go there, he was wanting to show you his junk.

    Online dating is not for the feint of heart….not even under the best circumstances, so I can’t imagine getting death threats!

  3. 3
    Stacy

    I have never seen this extreme side and I am a woman of color.

    Of course, you get the occasional aroused penis picture.  In fact, I would dare say that this comes with online dating to a point (unfortunately). I have also gotten cursed out a time or two for not being interested as well. But death threats? Goodness.

     

  4. 4
    Grenoble

    Although all of those messages are horribly creepy and inappropriate, I think ultimately, many of those guys are just trolls who like to get a reaction. Like, they probably want a response telling them to piss off or something for a laugh. It’s stupid, a waste of time, and troublesome for the woman, but I’d venture to say most of these guys are all talk and wouldn’t dare do any of the things they dare to write about.

     

    This doesn’t excuse them, but a simple block on their profile should take care of the vast majority of these types of guys. If things get worse, don’t be afraid to get the police involved.

  5. 5
    Sunflower

    OMG!  I’ve experienced some weirdness in my time, inappropriate comments and maybe a penis or two, but nothing like this.  I agree with Grenoble, these men are obviously a pool of bottom-feeders who troll online dating sites to abuse women emotionally.  I don’t see why dating sites can’t offer a higher level of security or even track IP addresses like they do for child porn offenders.

  6. 6
    _ism_

    There’s plenty of evidence on Instagram’s #ByeFelipe – check it out! Rape threats, death threats, stalking threats, etc. All in response to rejection or lack of interest from a woman.

  7. 7
    SparklingEmerald

    I didn’t get many inappropriate messages, but one man did blow up my inbox between midnight and 7AM while I was sleeping.  His messages got increasingly angrier that I wasn’t answering him  (Hello, I was SLEEPING) and the final message was sexually aggressive.  Honestly, I think he was some sort of speed-freak druggie, up that late at night, sending message after message . . .

    Anyway, I sent the whole string to match.com, and blocked him.

    A month later, I saw that he was still on Match.

    I was more ticked off at match.com than the creepy guy.   His inappropriate, crude, sexually aggressive message was a clear violation of their rules and he should have been KICKED OFF !!!!!

    I let my subscription expire (it was close to expiring) and since match doesn’t seem to care about bad behavior towards their customers AT ALL, I swore I would not be going back on match.

    However, I did, and I’m really glad I went back to match, despite  them allowing creeps to stay on, because I met the most wonderful man over a year ago, and we are still happily coupled.

     

     

  8. 8
    Shaukat

    This behavior is despicable, but it should be pointed out that this woman did not receive these threats while online dating. If you click on the links provided by Evan, it’s clear that she received such verbally abusive messages after starting her blog and Myspace account to promote her band. A lot of them were probably from demented stalker fans. It makes sense, because I’ve never met or heard of a woman who received rape threats while online dating, although many do receive creepy sexual propositions. The behavior is still atrocious, but it’s important not to conflate this woman’s experiences with a general trend in online dating.

    1. 8.1
      Tams

      I have received multiple rape threats. The worst was one who threatened to break my arm while raping me (it was more graphic than that). It gave me nightmares for weeks. For a while I kept a screenshot.

  9. 9
    Grenoble

    “We seem to have a cultural prohibition on teaching men how to interact with women in ways that are satisfying to both them and women. Why is this?”

    Oftentimes, men are expected to appear self-reliant and courageous. Having need of anything, especially help, and especially when this help is required for something men are supposed to figure out soon after puberty, is not seen as attractive. Women want charismatic men. Having to be shown how to attract women after the early teen years is not characteristic of a charismatic man.

    Admitting that you suck at the one thing you’re supposed to be naturally good at is embarrassing for most men.

  10. 10
    Karl R

    Obsidian said:

    “the often not mentioned flipside of this is the millions of women (calling Adrian!) who NEVER get catcalled on the street, or badgered in terms of online dating, or have guys propose to them. I’m not saying that Hope or Mia should just shutup and take it, but it does put things into perspective. When you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud.”

     

    Obsidian,

    Your perspective is just flat out wrong.

    I wish you had been listening to NPR last Saturday.  They replayed a podcast by comedienne Lindy West.  Here’s a link to the transcript.

    Here’s a sample of the tweets this comedienne has received:

    “I love how the bitch complaining about rape is the exact kind of bitch that would never be raped.”

    “Holes like this make me want to commit rape out of anger.”

    “I just want to rape her with a traffic cone.”

    “No one would want to rape that fat disgusting mess.”

    “Kill yourself.”

    “I want to put an apple into that mouth of yours and take a huge stick and slide it through your body and roast you.”

    “That big bitch is bitter that no one wants to rape her.”

     

    This negative attention has nothing to do with being pretty, thin, blond, Asian, or physically attractive.  Lindy West candidly describes herself as “fat”.  She receives this negative attention because she is an outspoken, public person.

    The rest of the podcast is about the nastiest tweet she ever received (not listed above), and about the troll who sent it.

     

    The nastiness on the internet flourishes due to its inherent anonymity.  What Mia is doing is exactly the proper response.  She’s pulling back that curtain and letting the trolls be judged for what they say.  Male trolls.  Female trolls.  Who cares?  Let the trolls actually face some consequences.

    Obviously, as illustrated by the transcript I linked to, there is the possibility that someone created a fake social media account.  We don’t want to point fingers at people who merely have the misfortune of being other victims of the same trolls.

     

    I sympathize with the people who get trolled, catcalled, insulted, harassed, pestered by creeps, stalked and threatened.

    For entirely different reasons, I can empathize with the men and women who receive little to no positive attention from the opposite sex (or whichever sex they prefer).  I’ve been there, done that.  It’s not much fun.

    But I’m am fairly certain that I’ve never been the kind of person that could look at the kind of shit Mia has to deal with and think, “When you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud.”  Droughts are easier to endure than mudslides.

    1. 10.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I completely agree with you, Karl, but, between you and me and the lamppost, I have reason to believe that Lindy West actually cyberbullied me with a fake Twitter and Facebook account. Which is not to say that two wrongs make a right, but that Ms. West and her friends are purveyors of some of the same hatred that she so rightly decries. She is an active participant in the gender wars, and, as such, is more prone to getting “shot” than the women who merely post their face online.

      1. 10.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        And yet, there are differences in “being in the ring.” while I’m not a fan of “Evan Marc Katz is a misogynist asshole” (which is so off-base and hyperbolic as to be laughable, that is a far cry from sending me personal hate mail to my house, harassing phone calls and death threats. I do have to be able to take the heat from the extreme MRA/feminist crowd, even if it has little basis in fact, but that doesn’t give them the right to attack ME, rather my ideas. That’s where this post and some of the stuff received by West goes too far. And again, I do believe that West actually set up fake accounts to mock me, which IS taking things too far, but since I don’t have proof of this, I can only say that she IS a bombthrower, and yet she still doesn’t deserve people to mock her appearance (irrelevant) or issue personal threats of rape/murder. Bad ideas should be attacked; not the people behind them.

      2. 10.1.2
        Julius Lukoševičius

        This is my final comment on here for the day — great blog, but far too easy to get sucked into the rabbit-hole of commenting and before I know it, I’ve spent nearly 2 hours dodging emails from potential investors. Not good. But I couldn’t resist this discussion since the virulent tenor of discussion I’ve been finding in communities that purport to be feminist has shocked me and even moreso my wife.

         

        If you are not familiar with this new sort of “victim” feminism, particularly the type that’s sprung up online in the 2010s, you will undoubtedly find the nastiness of the discussions (backed, of course, with LOUD levels of public moaning and “playing the victim”) so beyond the pale as to be unbelievable at times. But trust that some of these women make a LIVING out of harassing and bullying others, if only for the sole purpose of being able to claim victimhood. If you think they hate men, you should see how they treat strong, intelligent, pretty women, particularly women of color and other minorities, like my wife, who deign to speak of their own experiences with racism, sexism, etc., instead of letting the “nice” rich, white ladies speak for them. They are the greatest misogynists of all, and the way they regard women who dare disagree with them speaks for itself.
        When dealing with creatures like Lindy West, Zoë Quinn, Melissa McEwan, Jessica Valenti,  Anita Sarkeesian, and my personal least-favorite adult infant, Amanda Marcotte, it is best to regard them as toddlers who play the game of “throw the toy down from the high-chair, then commence with epic tantrum until attention is paid to them” and treat them as if they are approximately 3 years of age mentally. They are destroying a movement that has the potential to solve legitimate problems, like reducing poverty among women globally, granting the female gender total sovereignty over their bodies, drawing attention to race-based police violence in the U.S. and abroad, etc.
        Of course, none of those real issues interest them — launching never-ending online gender wars is more their bag. Call me nuts, but I don’t believe men and women hate each other as much as these nasty creatures make it out to be. They exist to s–t-stir, and to draw attention to themselves — it’s all some variant of “toddler in high-chair” syndrome at the end of the day. So I treat them to the exact response they fear most: I refuse to take them seriously and, if forced to interact with them, talk to them like the foolish clowns they are.

    2. 10.2
      Not again

      Well said

    3. 10.3
      Not again

      Obsidian, this is a blog that targets women. So posts talk about topics women are interested in and offers advice to women. Anyone with half a brain should be able to understand that talking about basketball with a bunch of basketball fans doesn’t automatically imply other sports are not important or nonexistent. In other words, crying “but what about me!!!” only suggests that you’re incapable of dicussing any legitimate issue that isn’t framed in the context of your own beliefs.

      That said, I’ve never heard of a man, public figure, online dater or other, receiving death and rape threats from women because he didn’t respond or she didn’t like it what he had to say. Fact is this type of behavior is perpetuated more by men and less by women. That does NOT mean all men are bad. It does NOT mean all men or even a significant portion do this. It does NOT mean anyone is suggesting that women are perfect, as you seem to believe. Fact is this post offers a good suggestion for ANYONE, female or male, that finds themselves in the situation of being harassed online. Report it and expose the behavior so that it stops.

      Despite your attempts to derail and create controversy, there’s not much more to it than that.

       

    4. 10.4
      Stacy

      Thank you Karl…jeez

  11. 11
    Adrian

    Obsidian,

    What are you calling me out for?

    I have not even commented in this post!

    Jeez!!!

     

    1. 11.1
      Oh why

      Big O,

      What’s the point of the article on Paulina is invisible?  As  a very attractive woman who is well over 40 yrs  old, I see it differently than her!! Lots of men go through it as well, I picked it up  in George Clooney  his looks began fading.

      Facts are that women have pretty much caught up with men in many areas, most people want their equals in attractiveness  and social class  when it comes to their partners. If you look around you, “like is with like‘.  Most people compromise and are happy they did!  In most respects you’ll end up with someone equal to  you in terms of looks  and social class.

      Most women and men want a lay back  supportive partner.  A woman with any common sense doesn’t want an angry, bitter misogynist who has  blogs,  podcasts and  stays on forums debating all the wrongs that women do, nor does a man want a woman who says ”all men ain’t s*it!!   I think the universe only brings you someone special when your ready  and resolved your past hurts, less you  destroy her to relive your prophecy on how you view all women. According to your podcast, women  are not worth a s*it and a waste of most men’s time!!

      Until  then, Tao!!!

  12. 12
    Not again

    Obsidian, what exactly in this blog post are you objecting to? What exactly are you claiming as evidence of only telling women what they want to hear?

    1. 12.1
      Not again

      1. Evan never wrote that women and women alone face online harassment.

      2. Nothing Evan wrote was factually incorrect nor was it ideology over truth.

      So this is a pointless exchange.

       

  13. 13
    Clare

    Obsidian,There was a lot I was going to say to you, but I couldn’t be bothered. There is one point that you have made, however, on which you are absolutely unqualified to offer an opinion, and it is this:”The point I’m making is the fact that what is often not mentioned in these kinds of discussions is that there are scores of women who receive NO ATTENTION AT ALL. And yes, I am calling out the First World Problems of many women along these lines – remember, I specifically mentioned “Hope” from the previous discussion, who bemoans her being assailed by obsequious marriage proposals from men she barely knows. Tell that to the Lindy West-looking chicks of the world, and get back to me.”I find it hard to express how deeply offended I am at this. It is the sort of point of view I have heard from more than one man (always a similar type of man, the sort of man who doesn’t have a lot of success with women and imagines how nice it would be to have members of the opposite sex throwing themselves at you), and all I can say is that you have flat-out NO idea what it is like to be a woman receiving this kind of attention. It is indescribably awful, it is invasive, it is overwhelming, it is deeply offensive and it often leaves you with a sense of total powerlessness that you are impotent to get some men to stop behaving this way. There is nothing flattering or in any way pleasant or desirable about this sort of attention. It makes you momentarily hate the fact that you are attractive to the opposite sex. It is awful, objectifying and terrifying. So please stop talking such an utter load of horse manure.

    1. 13.1
      Al

      Thank you. There is a WORLD of difference between being complimented or asked out and being catcalled or sexually harassed. The last two are hostile and demeaning, not warm and friendly. They leave us feeling frightened, vulnerable, abused and small. NO woman wants THAT kind of attention or the bitter anger that many of us receive from men in online dating sites. I haven’t been threatened with rape, thank goodness, but I have had men make truly revolting sexual suggestions, send unsolicited hardcore pornographic images and explode in unfounded rage when I’ve said a polite “No Thank You.” It makes us very wary to meet men in person and makes other, decent men struggle to get women to trust them.

       

      I think it’s important to also point out that, with some obvious exceptions like those listed above, most men do not feel afraid of death or injury when women “troll” them. We do. There’s a famous saying, “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” Sure, there are unbalanced, hostile women out there but the numbers are FAR fewer. Most men do not repeatedly report being sexually harassed or threatened online the way almost every woman does. Those who do get that kind of unwanted abuse from women are usually in the public eye somehow. Rest assured that women who are in the public eye are getting 100s of times the amount of hate you are. Plus, women who aren’t public figures in anyway are also suffering the same fate. Unknown men rarely receive this kind of flooding abuse.

  14. 14
    gl

    On okcupid, I would get the gross guys who try to start sex conversations immediately. For some reason I’m having better luck on tinder, but they’re more stealthy. It’s like a viper strike. You message and think that this guy seems nice, then suddenly there’s this sex message. I’m probably going to try match.com in a couple months. Not that the site makes a difference in sleaze-bagness, but in theory they have jobs.

  15. 15
    SparklingEmerald

    Just want to say that what O said about some women who get no attention from men — not true.  Un-attractive women get NEGATIVE attention from men.  I know, I went through a rather pro-longed “ugly duckling” stage and guys would follow me if I was walking to or from school, or anywhere else and call me ugly names based on my appearance.  It was usually based on my flat chest, my skinny bowed legs or my buck teeth.  All  I was doing was walking to where ever, minding my own  business, and these boys felt the need to let me know how ugly they thought I was (as if I didn’t already know)  So pretty women get cat-called and ugly women (especially over weight women) get bullied and harassed for daring to WWU. (Walking while un-attractive)  I thought that might have been a Jr. High/High School thing, because I did “cuten up” a bit and by the time I was 17, I had my teeth fixed and I filled out a bit and the negative bullying over my looks stopped, but as an adult, I was getting cat called, but if I was walking somewhere with an overweight girlfriend or a plain Janer, I would here either mooing sounds, ugly remarks about her wieght, and even one of my average looking girlfriends had to endure guys saying ugly things about her.  And it was disheartening to me to witness my kind hearted friend being treated so unkindly, for not being beautiful.  (She wasn’t ugly, she was just average looking)

    So of course not ALL men (or even most) give their unsolicited opinion to total female strangers on the street on her looks, but I would say nearly every woman has had an unsolicited opinion thrown her way in regards to her looks, or her manner of dress, weather it is to be told how “hot” she is or how “not hot” she is.

    And it doesn’t matter how a woman dresses.  I once went to an outdoor festival with a girl friend and I was dressed in a pair of jeans, sneakers and a camp shirt buttoned up to the top button.  As I making my way through the crowd, a male hand reached through the crowd towards the top button of my shirt and said “You need to undo a few of those buttons”.  I just pushed his hand away and said “EXCUSE ME ????????!!!!!!!!!”.

    So for young women, it’s damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.  You can be pretty, plain or homely, dress sexy or conservative, and if you dare to go out in public unaccompanied by a man, eventually you will get unsolicited opinions on your SMV.

    I had no idea how widespread this behavior was until the internet.  Truthfully, since I have not been ogled sinc e my 40’s (and it mostly tapered off after I had my son in my early 30’s) I largely had forgotten about that part of my past.  But I ran across an article about men shouting orders at women to “Smile” and how widespread this was, as well the general street harassment.  Then it all came back to me.  Honestly, for many years I thought I was somehow to blame, for not dressing right, or “carrying” myself right, or even for not having a grin pasted on my face 24/7.   After reading so many women share their stories, I realized that we are not to blame after all.

    1. 15.1
      pk

      Been trying to tell women and girls this information far too long. Men can be some hurtful, cruel animals,  and when one female is verbally attacked that and other ways , that’s one too many.

      Women have got to stand united and support each other and for goodness sakes, stop being so gullible and naive. Speak up ladies. Support each other.

  16. 16
    HollyTx

    I have not had violent threats – unless you consider the daily barrage of men threatening to f*ck me as soon as they get a chance, to be violent. Or asking how much alcohol does it take to get me into bed?

    With those type of direct messages it’s easy to just delete on autopilot. What really annoys me though are the guys that text a dozen times and then invite me over to mess around. Umm, no. That’s time I can’t ever get back.

    What is probably the most frustrating is the guy that says things like, can you send me more pictures? I can’t tell what your body looks like – do you have a swimsuit picture? What size do you wear? I realized early on that this type of guy might like my photo, but would be groping me before the entree arrived. Which is actually assault, but I am sure no one would care unless I initiated real self-defense.

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