What Percent of People Respond to Your Initial Emails on Match.com?

As you may know, before I became a dating coach, I was a prolific online dater.

I tried every site around, starting in the late 90’s. Matchmaker.com. Nerve.com. JDate.com. Match.com. eHarmony.com. Chemistry.com. And probably a few others that are escaping my memory right now. These days, PlentyOfFish.com and OkCupid.com are the two free online dating players worthy of your consideration.

But from both my personal experience and my coaching experience, I’ve learned that most people tend to fail in online dating and then blame the website.

This is like blaming the gym because you didn’t lose weight.

Site are just big boxes of single people who are trying to meet each other. Nobody shows them how to come up with clever usernames. Nobody teaches them what photos to post. Nobody illustrates how to create a unique, compelling online dating profile. Nobody teaches effective email techniques based on actual research.

This is the way normal people talk when they go to parties. They don’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “You look cute. I think we have a lot in common. Let’s go out.”

The closest anybody gets is OkCupid – and all they do is give you test results – approximately 27% of people respond to first emails, overall – they don’t show you HOW to write great first emails.

So if you’ve been frustrated with your results in online dating (and one look at the comments below indicates that you ARE), there are a number of things you can do differently to get different results. One of the most powerful ones has to do with writing first emails. Consider what most people say:

Subject: Hi

Text: Hey Pat102. I read your profile and you seem really cool. I liked your photos. You have a great smile and I think we have a lot in common, too. I noticed that you have a dog. I also have a dog. What kind do you have? Where do you like to walk your dog? Maybe we can get together sometime. So, check out my profile and if you like what I have to say, I really hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely, Chris.

If you’ve ever received an email like this, you know it sucks. But then why do you also WRITE emails like this as well? My theory is because it’s easiest – it’s what comes naturally to you. So you don’t put much thought into it, and, not surprisingly, it doesn’t get very good results. Why would it? There’s nothing funny, interesting, compelling, or different about such an email. Plus, it compliments the recipient too much – as if Chris is just praying that he/she is good enough for Pat102. No wonder Pat doesn’t respond to this display of weakness.

First emails are best when you offer your opinion of something specific in the person’s profile – but instead of doing what you normally do: “I agree. I like popcorn, too!”, you actually say something disagreeable, controversial, silly, or playful. Make an observation. Be sarcastic. Come up with a joke. Anything other than, “I like you. I like what you said. Please, please, please consider going out with me.”

For example, if someone says in his profile that he likes Costa Rica, you think about all the things you know about Costa Rica and search your brain for a humorous angle. Something other than, “I’ve heard it’s beautiful there! Tell me more!” Personally, I don’t know ANYTHING about Costa Rica, but I do know that all of my left-wing, liberal, neo-hippie friends go on yoga retreats there. Literally, the only reason I’ve even heard of Costa Rica is because of yoga.

So I use this in my email:

Subject: Yoga-Retreat Island

Hey, Pat. I have to be honest with you. I don’t know anything about Costa Rica; I think it’s in the Caribbean or Central America or something like that. All I know is that all of my left-wing yoga friends go on week-long retreats there every year. Which makes me wonder: what does it look like when you fly in at the airport? As the plane is descending, do you see 25,000 people doing down dog at the same exact time? Are there 25,000 more people who are ziplining from tree to tree? Inquiring minds want to know.

Talk soon, Chris.

You didn’t talk about yourself. You didn’t talk about the person you were writing to. You didn’t compliment the other person. You didn’t brag about yourself or sell yourself or ask anyone on any dates. You just made a silly observation about Costa Rica.

This is the way normal people talk when they go to parties. They don’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “You look cute. I think we have a lot in common. Let’s go out.”

It all starts with a little bit of witty banter.This technique is known as the Opinion Opener technique and it’s worked like a charm for thousands of women and men who’ve bought my Finding the One Online audio series.

If you’re sick of online dating – all the wrong people writing to you and the right people not writing back, here are four simple things I will teach you to do:

* You can come up with a new username/headline.
* You can post different online dating photos
* You can write a better online dating profile.
* You can improve your email technique.

All of this is explained in fascinating detail in Finding the One Online – with 7 hours of audio, a 180 page transcript and a 35 page workbook.

Click here to see for yourself how to make more people respond to your initial emails on Match.com.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Cilla

    Ditto what Eathan said. As I get more selective about whom I’m emailing and my letter writing skills get a little cleverer, my batting average increases. (See, sports reference–guys love that–LOL.) If I make even the slightest sexual innuendo or double entendre, I’m almost guaranteed a 100% response (cheap, I know, but it’s reality).

    If a guy has a long-ish profile, I don’t worry so much about keeping my letter super short. Otherwise, it’s 4 or 5 good sentences (reference profile, include humor, no big grammatical errors, no soulmate talk, etc.). I try to end with a question so they can lob the ball back into my court (sorry–couldn’t resist).

    I’m lazy (and maybe a little shy)–every once in a while I’ll use a wink to feel out a guy I think might be too young, too hot, too far, etc. If he winks back, then I’ll send an email.

    1. 31.1
      SGT Ted

      If I make even the slightest sexual innuendo or double entendre, I’m almost guaranteed a 100% response (cheap, I know, but it’s reality). 
      No…NO! It is NOT cheap! It is called “flirting” and guys like that, because we like sex and we want a sexy woman who is comfortable with her sexuality and male sexuality for a partner. A sexy joke shows you aren’t a prude, or stuck up or frigid. It shows you have a  sense of humor, which is a turn on to men. Laughing women are beautiful.
      I have also had great response when making sexy and humorous comments to those I show interest in.

  2. 32
    Seitensprung Finden

    I’m short end polite in my emails and I ever get an answer – even if the chicks are not interested… This system works absolutely here in Germany… ;-)

  3. 33
    christina

    I have been on match for about three months and have gotten responses and met two guy’s. I have e-mailed as well as winked to a few guys and I have gotten only a few responses. I know I am not unattractive could it be that my being the first to e-mail is to forward and scares them away? Or maybe it is my profile, but I don’t think they really read it to much. I too am also only e-mailing the ones that interest me and fall into both our profiles. I have to say i am starting to feel a bit insecure from the lack of responses.

  4. 34
    Tom

    I use Match.com, I have done over the last few years, and met 3 people from it to whom turned into girlfriends or 7 – 10 months each.

    My experience is that women just do not reply, I take the time to write a nice customised email to the people i think are nice and fit the bill etc, but nobody responds. I can see that they have read the email too. Im a descent bloke, not bad looking, have a really good quality profile. I have emailed over 100 women, nice emails, and got 2 reponses and not heard anything else.

    However, i set an account up as a womnan (No im not a cross dresser) to see how many blokes emailed me, and i have been getting about 10 to 15 emails every single day from different blokes.

    My conclusion of Match.com is that women pay to use it and just wait for blokes to contact them, they do not ever initiate the first contact and will only respond if you look like brad pitt. Women are extremely shallow and think they can get any bloke they want, well that appears to be the case with the people on Match.com, im not saying they are all like it, but nobody seems to have the manners to respond to say no thanks, or even have the courtesy to reply.

    1. 34.1
      Johnny

      Absolutely the same opinion and experience. I wouldn’t go as far as calling the girls shallow, but they definitely get such a huge amount of emails that if you don’t look like a model you don’t stand a chance. 
      I sent already 154 messages so far. From those, the vast majority was a good template I had which I modified slightly to fit the profile I’m sending it (I have better things to do in my life than staying 24 hours a day in front of online dating sites). In about 15 occasions I wrote a customised email because I identified myself with the girl’s profile a lot. Got 0% feedback. From the templates I got 4 answers. Two girls answered and we exchanged for a bit messages and they vanished without saying anything. 1 is from the other side of the planet although she stated she lived in my town. And 1 date which was not a girl which I really liked it. 
      Just as note, I’m a guy with an exciting job and quite interesting life background. I would say I’m not ugly either, I’m fit, I had a few beautiful girlfriends, and from time to time I get lucky in clubs. The only drawback I could state is that I’m 5’7 tall. 

  5. 35
    Karl R

    Tom said: (#34)
    “Women are extremely shallow and think they can get any bloke they want, [...] nobody seems to have the manners to respond to say no thanks, or even have the courtesy to reply.”

    Some of these women are getting 50 to 100 e-mails per day. How many hours per day do you think they should reasonably spend sending out courteous replies?

    christina asked: (#33)
    “could it be that my being the first to e-mail is to forward and scares them away?”

    No. It’s much more likely that your pictures or your profile don’t interest them. Even for women, it’s a numbers game. You will only receive replies to a fraction of the e-mails you send out.

    ————–

    On an interesting aside, I signed back up on match.com after 15 months off. Several days after signing back up, I received an e-mail from someone that I had initially e-mailed 16 or 17 months ago. Initially I hadn’t received any response.

    I’ll be calling her tonight to set up a first date.

  6. 36
    FrogPrincess

    I’m on Match and admittedly I don’t email first. I do wink first, but only to guys I find both attractive and seemingly a good match. I’d say the response is about 20%. And 80% of that is “thanks, but no thanks”. Which is, admittedly, somewhat disheartening sometimes.

    As for guys who contact me, I respond 100% of the time, even if it’s the auto-reject button. At least on Match. I did recently join Borders (Which I loathe and have already cancelled my account.) which does not have an auto-reject button. I do respond to every thoughtfully written email on Borders, even if it’s to tell them we’re not a match. Except the guy who wanted to know all about my feet and what colour I paint my toenails. Yeah, I deleted him.
    .-= FrogPrincess´s last blog ..To Plan Or Not To Plan =-.

    1. 36.1
      Joe

      Do you respond to guys who just wink at you?

  7. 37
    Kristyn

    @ Karl R

    Did she remember you from your initial contact?

  8. 38
    Karl R

    Kristyn asked:
    “Did she remember you from your initial contact?”

    Yes, even though I’d changed the name I was using, I’d changed my main portrait (a couple of the other pictures were the same), and I’d rewritten 1/3 of my profile.

    Nothing ended up coming of it, but I did get an interesting story (or two) out of it.

  9. 39
    Beccy

    I am new to dating, just got separated.. ok
    I am totally discouraged. I actually met a guy on eharmony and he and I dated and had a great connection, we went out, and had long walks, had great physical passion.. and it was over a period of a few months.. ok, then he dumps me by text.. and I am crushed. I swear I got on match. com and was amazed that he is online all the time. I am super sweet and attractive. I have alot of people emailing me and I try to email them back but I feel so scared that I now have a disease since when we were together a few times, protection did not seem to last.
    I am scared to death I have a major disease. I have tried to email this player and he now ignores me. I want to throw up.
    He also dumped me by text and now it turns out we are mutual matches. I think he is a complete pig and I am in complete numb shock over this as I was falling in love. I took my pictures off and I dont know if I will put them back up. I am very sad.

    1. 39.1
      ty

      im so sorry about that Beccy…he is an idiot…no offence. i hope you have gotten tested?

  10. 40
    datingsux

    About me: late 30s, graduate education, stable career, 5’10” w/athletic build and all my hair (though honestly at best average looking). Otherwise a decent profile with pictures and plenty of text. Random stats from my experience, which is substantial (~300 emails in the last 8 months): Virtually 100% of my emails are read within 20 minutes (HUH?). 90+% of those emailed did not check out my profile. Response rate less is than 5%. Once there is a response chances of a first date are better than 50%. I’ve never received a “thanks, but not interested” email. One average the 8 girls I’ve met were more attractive in real life than their profiles suggested. All in all, online dating has made dating even worse, if such a thing is/was possible. I don’t recommend it for anyone; I found it to be far too much work for far too little yield.

  11. 41
    Karen

    I don’t write first emails very often, so if I’m inspired to write one I usually am in the frame of mind where it’s pretty funny…and I have a great response rate…probably around 95%. Funny thing is, that I have better dating luck with the men that write me first. So, it’s a fun test that I run in my head. I try and be positive and have had a lot of fun dates.
    As far as responding, I try to respond to most (90%) emails that are written to me. I have a few male friends that are online and thier complaint to me is how rude women are. They would like to know either way if you are interested. My thinking is that I hate to be the one to say, “No, I’m not interested in you, thanks anyway” I think women think no response is a response. That’s what I think if I don’t hear back..so I have an somewhat generic answer that I write that is as nice as it can be for the guys that I don’t want to date…just to not be rude.
    What I don’t get are winks with no photo and boring profiles. :D

    1. 41.1
      syl

      I’m finding it very difficult even to say, Thanks but not thanks. Do you mind sharing your polite “generic” statement for those emails you receive that you are not interested in?  Thanks !

    2. 41.2
      Bryan

      This is what I say:
      “Hi, thanks for writing me. I’m attracted to (insert what they are not here) I wish you the best of luck!!

  12. 42
    Josh

    I’m with match. Despite my strong and unique profile, reasonable photos, and sending out hundreds of personalized messages (I don’t bother with winks); I probably get checked out by 5% and responded to by 1% if I’m lucky. I’ve never gotten a date from this and I have never been contacted first by a woman. I don’t think I’m that terrible looking, 5’10”, 150, ex-military, but I’m no Brad Pitt. I was attributing this to my poor response rate until I started reading around a bit. It’s just terrible.

  13. 43
    Me

    I am now up to 81 emails out. All extremely well thought out and ALL tailored to the profile on hand, with a quirky, cute, and funny headline to capture their attention.

    A BIG FAT ZERO! No responses at all. Admittedly, the women I email all look good. But I am no slouch either – my primary photo is in a tux and I am toned. NADA. Maybe I should write down my salary to improve my chances. I’m fresh out of ideas at this point.

  14. 44
    Kevin

    Kind of glad to see I’m not alone. I too am batting 0%. I’m pretty darn frustrated with it and decided to call out this one particular woman who thought no response is a response. THIS she responds to and she turns around and calls me rude.

    What has taught women this is acceptable? If you meet a woman in real life and she were to just turn her back and walk away, you’d call her a bitch. I don’t see how non-responsiveness on a dating site is any different. In fact, it’s worse. We’re all there to meet people!! And you just flat out ignore people who took time to write you a thoughtful e-mail? Not cool. Not cool at all. Even a simple “no thanks” is infinitely better than being totally ignored.

    1. 44.1
      Bryan

      Kevin is 100% correct

    2. 44.2
      Steve

      What has taught women this is acceptable? If you meet a woman in real life and she were to just turn her back and walk away, you’d call her a bitch. I don’t see how non-responsiveness on a dating site is any different. In fact, it’s worse. We’re all there to meet people!! And you just flat out ignore people who took time to write you a thoughtful e-mail? Not cool. Not cool at all. Even a simple “no thanks” is infinitely better than being totally ignored.
      You know who taught women to behave that way? Men. By joining dating sites and accepting that kind of treatment from women, women eventually got the idea that it was OK not to respond, or to treat men badly. In fairness, women do get inundated with mails. A solution to that problem is for dating services to allow women to write and store a short, customized ‘no thank you’ mail they can send to men they’re not interested in. But online dating services really aren’t interested in helping people. Making a profit is all that matters, so this is why a feature like this doesn’t exist.

      My personal feeling about dating sites is that the odds of success for all but the best-looking, richest men are very poor. It just doesn’t make sense to invest the kind of time and money that online dating requires, only to get a 5% response rate – if you’re lucky. You can endlessly tweak and re-tweak your profile to try to make yourself more appealing, but unless you fit into the top 20% of men that women are actually attracted to, you’re just wasting your time – and money.

      The evidence I offer for my claim is found in a study that OKCupid did a while back said that women find 80% of the men on the OKCupid site to be unattractive. That’s pretty bad. For most men, that means they’re beaten long before they even start writing their profile.
      As for me, I’ve taken down all of my online dating profiles. Why play a game that is rigged against you and benefits only women and dating site operators?
       

      1. 44.2.1
        Jenn

        There is one big difference between the Internet and real life: it’s the Internet. It’s not real life. So since they are not not face to face with you, no, they don’t OWE you anything. It’s that kind of attitude of entitlement that is keeping you frustrated. If you can’t learn to shrug it off and deal with the fact that this is how it is, you’re going to continue to get frustrated. Sending out WTF emails when you don’t get a response is also not great for your karma – if you’re radiating bad vibes, that’s what you’ll get back.
        And internet dating sucks for women too. Just in a different way. I’ve taken an extended sabbatical because I just couldn’t stomach it anymore. I’ve been on the same three sites for a year and the flow of emails has long since dried up to barely a trickle. Not that it was ever the tidal wave I was hoping for. Apparently, men only flood the inboxes of the very hottest women they come across. It doesn’t seem to matter that I have done my damndest to lose over 80 pounds and am almost back to normal weight. It doesn’t matter that I had professionally-done pictures. It doesn’t matter that I wrote an intelligent, witty essay free of grammatical errors. Guys would just glance at my pictures and then ignore me because I just wasn’t the all-out, drop-dead gorgeous woman they’re all holding out for. And the men who did contact me were largely not my type physically, didn’t want the same things I want (ie. marriage and kids), were too far away or way too old for me.
        Are you looking at what these women want before you’re contacting them? If not, then you can’t blame them for not replying. I’ve had men contact me who were so wildly inappropriate that if I wasn’t so frustrated I’d have found it hilarious.

    3. 44.3
      henriette

      I was on match.com in my early 40s.  Unlike many posting here, I’m not going claim to look 15 years younger than my actual age or say that I’m unusually hot.  I think I’m a nice-looking woman for my age with  warm smile and good profile.  I was certainly not bombarded by emails.  Each one I received, I responded to. 
       
      Most men I “rejected” (I put rejected in quotation marks bc if someone who writes to me is far out of my geographic location, for example, I will not try to get to know him further, but I feel like it’s the long-distance element I’m rejecting,  rather than him) were lovely and thanked me for writing, even though it was to say no thanks.   I was touched by this and reminded that there is room for a bit of graciousness and humanity, even in online dating.    A few men I “rejected” were not very pleasant and wrote nasty emails in return, but they were far outweighed by the polite guys and my personal experience informed my reactions.
       
      That said/written, numerous female commenters on this site have received insulting, unpleasant responses to their rejections.  As a result of this, they now choose to simply ignore men who do not interest them.  If this had been my experience, I might have decided to do the same.   Also, some guys have stated that they hate to have their OLD in-boxes filled with polite rejection emails; they’d rather that women simply ignore them if uninterested.   So, as you can see, what seems acceptable to one person might seem impolite to another. 
       
      If I were at a party where a man began a conversation with a woman and she turned her back and walked away, I would think her rude.  If he shrugged off her poor behaviour, I’d be impressed.   However, if he called her a bitch, I’d think he was overreacting and probably  rather angry person at heart.   So please remember that in responding to impolite folk, the person who brushes it off with a smile is infinitely more appealing than the person who counters rudeness with rudeness.

  15. 45
    Confused

    I am a woman, 39, petite, fit, never married, no kids, no drama and I am fairly attractive in real life. I however am not attractive online. I have been on match twice, eharmony once. Eharmony was a waste of money. Less than a handful of matches a week. I send about two or three emails a month on match. I have had four guys ever email me back on match. One I dated a month, the other is a friend now, the other two were really nice “thanks, but no thanks.” I respond to all emails even if it’s the canned “thanks, but no thanks.” I have had several dates with the men who emailed me and only “entertaining” stories to show for it. Last one turned out psycho with anger issues because he thought I was breaking up with him after two dates and one phone call and absolutely no physical anything. Feeling pretty discouraged. Guess it’s time to revamp everything.

  16. 46
    Karl R

    Kevin said: (#45)
    “pretty darn frustrated with it and decided to call out this one particular woman who thought no response is a response. THIS she responds to and she turns around and calls me rude.”

    She called you rude because you were rude. Why does this surprise you?

    Kevin asked: (#45)
    “What has taught women this is acceptable?”

    Try to see it from the women’s point of view.

    Imagine this:
    When you log into Match.com tonight, you have 100 emails from different women. It takes you 45 minutes just to read them all, and 3 hours if you decide to read all of their profiles.

    What’s worse, none of these women seem to have read your profile. You want a woman close to your age; some of these women could be your grandmother. You want a woman who lives reasonably near you; some of these women live over a thousand mile away (or on a different continent). You want a woman who is reasonably fit; some of these women are morbidly obese.

    But you’re determined to be polite, so you spend 45 minutes copying and pasting a “Thanks, but no thanks.” to each of them before you delete their emails.

    The next day, of the 100 women you said “no thanks” to, 25 wrote back to convince you to change your mind. 5 others wrote back to call you a bastard because you turned them down. AND … 100 new women sent you emails, all as equally unsuitable as the previous 100.

    After 2 weeks of that scenario repeating itself, how much time each evening do you spend writing “no thanks” emails?

    If you want women to respond to your emails, you need to stand out from the crowd. It’s not her fault that you don’t.

  17. 47
    Kevin

    Karl,
    I don’t care if the ugliest, fattest, most grotesque woman who lives 10,000 miles away wrote me. I’ll still have the decency to write something back to her. It’s not about whether or not you are interested. It’s about courtesy. Non-communication is incredibly rude. And if somebody won’t leave you alone even after the courtesy no, that’s why they have the block button. It’s not asking for the world to ask for a tiny amount of respect as a fellow human, as opposed to being treated as some sub-human unworthy of even the slightest communication.

  18. 48
    Karl R

    Kevin said: (#48)
    “I’ll still have the decency to write something back to her. It’s not about whether or not you are interested. It’s about courtesy.”

    It’s also about time. After staying up late every night for a week trying to send a polite response to everyone, which becomes more important, being polite or taking care of your health?

    You get how many emails from women per week? You have the luxury of having the time to craft a thoughtful rejection to every one that you’re not interested in.

    Kevin said: (#48)
    “It’s not asking for the world to ask for a tiny amount of respect as a fellow human, as opposed to being treated as some sub-human unworthy of even the slightest communication.”

    Do you send polite responses to every company the mails/emails junk mail to you?

    If the phone rings and you realize that it’s a telemarketer calling, do you answer the call or let it roll to voice mail? There’s another human on the line who is just as worthy of communication as you are.

    If a woman isn’t interested in you, your unwanted, unsolicited email is the equivalent of junk mail. Those are the rules of the game. It doesn’t matter whether you like the rules or hate them, you won’t succeed unless you accept and play by them.

    1. 48.1
      Bryan

      Here’s the dirty little secret that isn’t being spoke of. You see I have a lot of female friends. And I have A thirst for knowledge. Some of these women are online daters. Why does a woman get 100 emails? Oh, I’ll tell you why.
      There is a search filter that will eliminate unsuitable matches from search results. Women who I personally know that date online tell me that when they put in all the attributes that they’re looking for they get very few ATTRACTIVE men in their results! If they ask for a non-smoker, no drugs, good job, lives within 25 miles, within 5 years of their age they get a low number of results with mostly average to below avg looks. So they BACK into the search and un-click the criterial until men with the attractiveness level they want appear in the results. They now have “allowed” more men into the room by decreasing the filtering and thus put up with the number of emails to get what they want and justify not answering because there are “too many” when the truth is they only want to talk to the ones they are attracted to. That’s a fact Jack!! 

  19. 49
    e, a 30 year old girl here

    Okcupid.com, suprisingly, has a much, much, much better response rate for me. I also have way more guys contacting me. Oh, and the guys are generally better looking, less mainstream and yet less weird, more hip, and better educated.

    Apparently, as the owner of okcupid points out in his article on this very topic, match has a lot of non-paying, phantom members who would have to pay to email you back. Apparently only 1 in 20 are even active members.

    I get stares from guys all the time, although admittedly, I am a bit overweight (yet blessed with curves). The response rate on match- 5% or less. Okcupid, 20% at least. Craigslist is even better ,but more difficult due to pic exchange hassle issues.

  20. 50
    AMAF

    I got to agreed with some of the guys here that the response rate on match.com is horrible.  Even the ones that I get winks from don’t respond to emails.  I don’t know what percentage of them are non-paying users and therefore can’t respond back.  I admit my emails are not that long and only a few lines just to feel them out and see if they are interested. Maybe my emails just got buried with the rest of the 100 of emails they receive everyday that doesn’t stand out.

  21. 51
    Erik

    I decided to give match a try after doing eharmony last summer for a few months.  Eharmony, I thought, was a big waste of time.  It matched me with people that honestly had nothing in common with me and I couldn’t search for new people to talk to.  I decided to cancel after 3 months and in my last 2 weeks of the subscription, met someone.  We hit it off, and blah blah blah 4 months later, broke up due to it being more like a friendship than a relationship.  Mutual breakup, no real deep chemistry, we just liked each other.  So, this spring I decided, since my female friend found her husband on match, to try it.  I got the 6 month deal and started out strong.  First day, I sent about 10 emails and said to myself “self, if you get even 1 back, that’s good odds”.  Well I got one back, we talked more and went out and she turned out to be the rudest person I think I have ever met, but such is life.  Since then, I have had 0 responses.  I write grammatically correct and well versed responses that is personalized to their profile.  No copy paste, no similar style.  I write exactly how I would talk to them if I met them in person and ask normal questions like: “Oh I see you went to France in that picture, how was it? I have always wanted to go” and similar things.  Everything personalized.  I swear, I have sent close to 45 personalized emails to people.  Now, I am so put off by it, I think I just look to see who is out there.  I haven’t sent an email in 3 weeks and got into a good fight with match’s customer service over their “supposed” member base (most in my demographic being active over 3 weeks).  Worst money ever spent, but I am stuck with another 3 months of it (they offered me a $25 refund, and I didn’t take it…if all else, I can use this whole ordeal as experience).  So, out of 43 emails (I just checked), I received 1 response.  That is a 2% response rate.  Awesome eh?  I have received two winks that I followed up with emails to, and received nothing in return. 

    To help paint the picture here, I am a 23 year old male, a college graduate, I am a project manager at a construction firm, I love pets, I am in good shape (no, not the internet ‘good’, I go to the gym every day and work my butt off because I lost 45lbs since December).  I am no 10, but I am not a 5 either.  Maybe a solid 7?  Better than average? I work a lot and have little time to just go out and meet people.  I don’t drink to excess and don’t go to bars or clubs.  This whole experience has left me amazed and possibly with far lower self-esteem than I went in with.  My friend tells me “oh, all the girls here are just crazy then for not liking you” but with response rates like that, how can you not think there is something wrong with you?

    I have never received an email from a woman, so I guess I have a 100% response rate…or 0%, depending on how you look at it.  But if she sent me a personalized email, I would at least have the decency to respond.  I have given up on ‘well thought out’ emails because I am not going to waste my time if I have a 1/43 chance of you even clicking the reply button.

    1. 51.1
      Ronn

      I totally agree with you. The response rate for guys on not only match.com but every online dating site is pathetic. I experience the same thing. I see women checkin me out ALL the time when I got o clubs/bars but very low response online! I think the reason is because women get lots of messages everyday and therefore they start to think one day they going to get that ALL perfect Brad Pitt, george clooney type guy emailing them, which I think never happens but because of the number of messages, they do start to beleive thats going to happen!! lol

  22. 52
    Laura

    I just joined match within the past two weeks.  I’ve sent several winks prior to paying for membership, but after paying, sent 3 emails.  I realize it’s early, but no responses yet.  I had 2 other emails sent to me, to which I responded with a “thanks but no thanks”.
    I would always respond to a well thought out and personalized email.  It shows the guy is genuinely interested and took the time to think of you.  But that’s just me.  It’s interesting to know that so few people are paying for match’s service.  1 in 20 – why bother?  How else are you going to get in contact with these people if you don’t pay the fee?
    Sounds like it may be time for me to check out okcupid.com.  Good luck to all!

  23. 53
    michael Booth

    Im on to the farce,and have put out tele number to many with no calls back.The odds show that this couldnt happen unless something dishonest on the part of the site was in play…….

  24. 54
    Sayanta

    Erik-

    I’m a woman- but I totally feel your pain. Also, if you’re 23 years old, maybe is that a factor? I haven’t done research, but I think internet dating tends to attract people more in their late 20s onward- so perhaps people around your age just aren’t non-paying members? Or at 23, just not taking dating seriously? I know I certainly didn’t at that age (which is partly why I’m in the mess I’m in now. LOL)

  25. 55
    Sayanta

    Sorry- I meant “paying’ members.

  26. 56
    Dick

    Well, this was an interesting little google-find. I’ve recently fired up Match.com and I’m having sod all luck. I’m 25, and in the usual mid twenties boat that you never find anyone your age when your out and about.
    So, emails, winks, I don’t get it. I kinda went alone with the whole “View their profile, let them view mine back, then go from there” approach, but I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t class myself as an unattractive guy, and despite viewing profiles, nobody views it back! I’ve send a couple of responses to the questionaire things, and had nothing back. Sent a couple of quirky emails, nothing back!

  27. 57
    ExNavyMid

    Stumbled across this site and enjoyed the message board.  I would like to say that as a 35 year old male – I met my wife on match.com in early 2009.  She contacted me.  Most of the women I went out with (probably a dozen or so) contacted me.  I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship but I’m happy to say I met the love of my life by chance due to an extremely short e-mail introduction on her part.

    I’m a tall man with graying brown hair and definitely a few extra pounds.  The tall part definitely helped as I remember looking at women’s profiles and whether they were 6’2″ or 4’11” – most wanted a tall man.  My profile on match was long, detailed and fairly humorous.  I gave women every opportunity to say no before deciding to contact me if they so choose – but it was also benign (I professed my favorite restaurant is Taco Bell and my profile picture was me in the corner of a bar picking my nose).  I tried to make a profile that put women at ease so they would want to contact me.  They said I could post 24 pictures – I posted 24.  I gave women every chance to say “Yuck” or “Hmmmm…. he seems nice”.  I was put off by how many people had bad profiles, typos, 2 pictures, angled self photos like they are 16 and posting on MySpace but want to hide the fact they are overweight, etc.  My pictures were of me doing the things I enjoy – everything from skydiving to going to football games, to other extremes like picking my nose or having a plastic knife fight with my 4 year old nephew.  If someone posted 20 pictures and 18 of them are from a webcam – I would guess they live with their parents and play a lot of video games. 

    That’s my 2 cents.  Be yourself – accentuate your positives – put it all out there.  I was in a loveless emotionally abusive marriage for 14 years.  Never thought I would marry again as I thought no one was worth that commitment.  But I have never been happier in my life and I actually owe it to match.com and someone stumbling upon me.

    By the way – my wife is a little bit shy when it comes to dating – and in her 6 months on match went on two dates with two men, and was pretty much giving up and deleting her account when we met.  So don’t give up too quick. 

  28. 58
    Kaitlyn

    I’m not active on Match.com at this point (really just getting back into the dating world) but on a few other sites (free…where I’ve dipped my toe into the water so to speak) I’ve received about a 90% response to any emails I’ve sent (which is very few…I tend not to pursue guys.  Which should also make online dating, well, interesting).

    I have responded to perhaps 10% of the emails I’ve received?  If that?  I find that many guys don’t bother to put any effort into writing an email…and when I open one that says “U R Hott” or something equally stupid, it gets instantly deleted.

  29. 59
    Andy

    I guess it’s “good” to hear that I am not the only one who finds internet dating to be useless.  I’ve never gotten any response except for a few “form letters”.  Women are just as shallow as men and internet dating is based almost purely on looks.  I agree that these sites are primarily for hot girls who probably get tons of messages (which they just ignore).

  30. 60
    Patrick

    Ive been doing the Eharmony and Match simultaneously for the last month.  Initially, I set my profile up on Match to take advantage of the free offer for 3 days. I reached out to 3 beautiful ladies in those 3 days and none emailed me back.  No biggie, I cancelled before I had to pay. I went to Eharmony because I had heard they had a better success rate.  They were much more expensive, but I decided to go for it since, unlike Match, I was able to pay in installments.  What a huge ripoff that became.  At least Match was fun to sign up for: it took about 30 minutes tops and I really got to customize what I was looking for.  For all the hours I put in taking the Eharmony ‘personality tests’, so far my matches have all been women who are 2-3x my size, smoke, and way outside of my age specifications. On the very very rare occasion someone does get sent to me who seems like my type, you are expected to play this stupid game where you send each other job interview like questions for weeks at a time before you can actually talk.  Course, I have tried to buck the system and just send off an email to someone I find attractive, but they end up not emailing me back either.
    Back to Match:  a week after I closed my membership (about 4 weeks ago) I noticed that the most beautiful, intelligent, fun profile of a young lady came to my blackberry.  I mulled over whether or not to reach out to her, I decided to go for it, which is why I am now paying for Match in addition to Eharmony. In the most gentlemanly tone, I wrote her a well thought out, slightly witty, response to her profile.  I checked and rechecked grammar and punctuation.  Well, been 4 weeks, she never replied back.  She did read the email, because I sprung for read receipt, so I know she is an active member.
    I just dont get it.  Men get bashed all the time for being insensitive.  Why is it acceptable, as Kevin stated, for a woman to not reply back.  Dont give me that crap about being busy and staying up all night…blah…blah…blah.  We are all busy.  Also, what’s up with women who are 5 ft 2in tall ‘requiring’ a 6 foot man?  Did I miss something?  That’s no different than me ‘requiring’ a specific cup size.  It’s pretty demeaning either way if you ask me. If being polite is too taxing on you, then you deserve to be single the rest of your life!
    Btw, I am an director with one of the nations largest financial firms.  35.  Very well educated.  I work out 5 days a week and it shows in my pics (not that my pics are cocky).  Im exactly 6 feet tall, about 190 lbs (that part wasnt in my profile, but I wanted to stress). I left income blank at first, and after the lackluster responses, decided that I would have to put something in that catagory so I went with $75k, a gross understatement but, I didnt want to sound like I was lying.  That got me my 1 and only reply: a lady who sent me “sorry, you dont make enuf” and that was her entire response (she even spelled enough like that) to an email that I sent her that started out by complementing her for the hard work she does raising her kids and ended with me engaging in a book she listed.
    Very, very, rude.  I rather go sit in some bar somewhere.

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