Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet

Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.  My problem is deciding how to list my body type.  I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not “athletic and toned.”  I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as “A few pounds extra” thinking it was an honest description.  Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or “curvy”, because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

  • Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
  • Why men avoid “curvy” women!
  • Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
  • Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

Except this isn’t true either, because most people feel duped by the disconnect between your description and real life stature. Heavier people almost always do better in “real life” than online.

Next myth to be busted: why men don’t go out with “curvy” women. Well, you touched on it yourself, Nicci, in your email. In their attempts to be honest (but not scare off men), women will click on descriptors like “a few pounds extra”, “curvy”,  or “voluptuous”. All are considered euphemisms for “fat” by men. This creates a vicious circle. Women know that men prefer thin, so they adjust their descriptions accordingly. Men have learned to mistrust these body types, and therefore only look at women who are “firm and toned”, “slim/slender”, or “athletic”. And when the slightly overweight woman shows up on a date with a man who was expecting “athletic”, both parties are in for a night of disappointment.

Focus on what you can control – YOU – and let go of what you can’t – MEN.

Why do men look at you and not write to you? First of all, I think that’s a problem that’s more in your head than in reality. Fact is, we all window shop online. How many men have you looked at? 1000? How many did you write to? 12? Should 988 men feel rejected because you didn’t initiate contact? Please. Ignore how many people look at you. It is misleading and can only serve as a tool that makes you feel rejected. If no one’s WRITING to you, however, there is something to think about. Which is why I’ve helped thousands of people rebrand and market themselves successfully online over the past nine years. Better photos, better essays, better usernames, better email technique. Do everything 25% better and it can make a remarkable difference in your life.

Still, no matter how much rebranding we do, life is still not going to be fair. Men are still largely going to prefer young, thin women. Women are still going to prefer tall, successful men. All we can do is tackle this confidently, and not get too thrown by the many bumps in the road. The man who wants you is going to WANT a curvy girl. No point in getting bent out of shape about the ones who prefer skinny chicks, y’know?

Finally, the last myth we’re gonna bust is that there’s something about your profile that’s attracting the wrong kind of men. I swear to God, I have heard this complaint every single day for nearly a decade. And it always baffles me. So let’s play the game I play with my clients on the phone:

Me: If you were to go to an airport and look around the terminal, what percentage of men would you date?

Her: I don’t know. 5%? 2%, maybe?

Me: Then why would you expect the percentage to be any higher online? If, by definition, 95% of men are wrong for you, it should be expected that many will be unemployed, uneducated, older and inappropriate. Get over it. They’re allowed to take a crack at you, and you’re allowed to ignore them. Focus your energies on attracting and maintaining the 5% that you want. THAT’s what we’ll do together.

And so it is, Nicci. Focus on what you can control – YOU – and let go of what you can’t – MEN.

Understanding this about online dating is essential to your success. And if you’ve struggled with the same frustrations as Nicci – not enough good men, all the wrong men writing to you – my Finding the One Online system is a one-stop-shop to get you the kind of attention you deserve.

Click here to learn more and kickstart your love life today.

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/finding-the-one-online.html

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Shawna

    Gosh I love this conversation. This is the exact topic I have been discussing with my friends lately, who are of course married with kids, and have no idea what the single world is like these days. I have an added attribute to the mix, I am 6’3″ and curvy, I guess if that is what we are calling it. My weight is very evenly distributed and I am very athletic. I do need to lose a little weight that was gained during some of life’s bumps. So now I workout 4 times a week. I hike, bike, also a white water rafting guide. I feel confident about my appearance, long blonde hair, fair skin, hazel eyes. Recently I was given feedback, that I may seem too confident or self sufficent, which can be translated to intimidating and unapproachable. I am not sure how to cure that, I feel that I act warm and inviting, this feedback was of course related to “in real life dating”. With online dates I have had, most guys are very surprised that I am actually 6’3″, which is very frustrating because I prefer not to lie.

    The problem with being 6’3″ and big boned, curvy, a few extra pounds to lose (or whatever we are calling it)…..is I seem to get so many guys that have odd fantasies about dating curvy tall women. It is so frustrating that I recently made all of my profiles invisable. I am losing faith in men and dating, because everyone that contacts me is from another country, out of state, only looking for sex, or has a fantasy they want fulfilled. Until I can afford Evan’s services, I may need to look into that idea that I will have better luck “in real life”. That hasn’t happened yet either, but I am hopeful it can happen.

  2. 62
    Cathouse Teri

    Well all I can tell Nicci is to reiterate the advice you gave her. The man she wants is a man who wants a curvy woman. No need trying to attract any other kind of man.

    And believe me, lots of men like curvy women.

    Besides, if I hear two coworkers talking about how they wouldn’t date a woman who lists herself as curvy, I have to think, “Would I date either of these coworkers?”

  3. 63
    JB

    To Susan and anyone else…. I agree with Evan. If you have CLEAR RECENT head to toe shots in your profile there’s no need to say anything about your body type in the essay part but I’ve always found it a little amusing when a woman who’s 5’1″ and 155lbs checks the “petite” box on her profile…lol The point being “head to toe” shots are a must in EVERYONE’S profile but the box you check on the profile should match what you are in the pic because that’s what people search by. And Susan, most guys online aren’t looking for “fashion models” or anything close.

  4. 64
    Cilla

    This discussion has continued to fascinate me.

    Having great head to toe shots won’t work, if you don’t check the right box to get guys looking at your profile in the first place. One of the things I like about MillionaireMatch is that in addition to the body type, they ask about your overall looks and allow you to pick “you decide.” Maybe the dating sites should allow this for body type too. BTW, it seems there are a LOT more men on that site that are looking at curvy women than on Match.com. Maybe the definition of “curvy” varies with socioeconomic status?

    Otherwise, in addition to “athletic/toned” and “superbuff,” maybe we need “curvy/proportional” and “curvy/a few extra pounds.” Or “curvy/average” and “slender/average,” etc. You get the idea? There are as many combinations of these body types as there are women out there. We are all so hung up on semantics. My vote is for accurate pictures with “you decide.” The other search criteria are much more objective.

    P.S. Shawna, if you haven’t tried MiliionaireMatch (and no, I don’t work for them–just having better luck on this site), you should. In the last week, I’ve had interest from numerous men over 6’3.” I’m short, so the height difference gets a little extreme for me, and most of those guys really prefer tall gals anyway!

  5. 65
    vino

    Millionairematch….

    All about the personality there, no?

  6. 66
    Selena

    Cilla-
    Great points about having variations on “catagories”. The concept of -‘You decide’ would seem to work the best, no? Curvy meaning something different to diffent people.

  7. 67
    Cilla

    Actually, Vino, it has nothing to do with the money. I am in a high income bracket myself and divorced a very wealthy man with almost no settlement $. I just got fed up with my mailbox being jammed with winks from Match.com suitors who had obviously not read my profile or didn’t care that we had nothing in common. I like classical music, wine tasting, and sailing. I get nothing but football, Harleys, and beer from the local Match.com boys. The Millionaire guys seem to have more manners and more in common with me. They also have a broader age range for matches and look at a greater variety of body types–at least in my experience. Not everyone is a match, but the stats are better. Not everyone on the site is a gold digger. Now, Suggardaddie.com–that’s another story…

  8. 68
    JB

    Ya know Vino, Cilla is right. There’s not a lot of “blue collar tradesmen” that are into “classical music, wine tasting, and sailing”.
    Gee …. I wonder why ….LOL But I certainly would of thought and Cilla has corrected this thinking …… If I’m a millionaire with “high status” & “high value” I would most likely be MORE picky about everything about a woman. Why ?? Because assuming I’m not a “troll” I have a lot more choices if I’m worth 5 million right ?
    So if I have an online choice between a “curvy” gal and a gal who’s in shape guess who I’m gonna take wine tatsting or out on my sail boat ???

  9. 69
    Jennifer

    I don’t think anyone ever claimed millionare match was all about personality.

  10. 70
    cinnamon

    JB
    “I have a lot more choices if I’m worth 5 million right ?”

    I might be completely wrong, but it seems to me that vino is one of the rare successful guys who do not want their attractiveness to be measured as function of their wallet thickness.

  11. 71
    Cilla

    JB, you’re partially right–there are a fair number of guys on the site (especially the ones from NYC and LA) who are looking for young arm candy, as Evan would say, “Because they can.”

    My theory about the rest of them is this: they are guys in their 40’s and 50’s who are either still single or divorced. They are often self-mad men (not necessarily millionaires to be on the site, but income above 150K) who have sacrificed their personal lives to build their careers or businesses. A number are doctors or PhDs who have been in school for years. They find themselves looking for a mate, and they would like someone as attractive as possible. But they also want someone who, if she opens her mouth at dinner with a boss or client, will have something intelligent to say. Most of them seem to want a match with someone who is well educated, well travelled, and cultured. Many will come right out and say they are attracted to smart women (whereas virtually all the Match.com men in my area said they were turned off by “brainiacs”). Yes, they would like to have their cake and eat it too, but most of them seem pretty realistic about finding someone THEY think is pretty, who can also carry on a conversation–it’s a balancing act and a bit of a compromise. Oh, and because they have higher incomes, these guys can look outside their own cities and date across country, if they find someone they are interested in.

    All of this adds up to a better site for me. I can’t tell you how nice it was to have one man tell me, “You’re smart AND hot!” Clearly he didn’t see “curvy” and “attractive” as mutually exclusive. Which brings me back to the semantics debate. Can’t you be curvy and athletic at the same time? Ever watch an IronMan competition? Have you seen how many finishers also carry a few extra pounds? (Hint: more than you would expect.) How do you think those people should define themselves? I think we are arguing about the wrong thing. I think it’s the language that has to change; it is altogether too subjective, too elastic.

    1. 71.1
      ellethemagnanimous

      You can be athletic and curvy at the same time.  Ever heard of Serena Williams?

  12. 72
    Michael Ejercito

    You have to be asking yourself is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

    The problem is if you lie, the remaining 5% will dismiss you for being a liar.

  13. 73
    vino

    The whole point of something like millionaire match is the money…it’s what’s being sold, for goodness’ sake.

    Anyway, we’re off topic.

    Thanks Cinn…I trust you are well

  14. 74
    Cilla

    So, Vino, if I read you correctly, if I actually like a guy for himself (vs. his money), I’m at a DISADVANTAGE on MillionaireMatch?

    Maybe the owners think they’re selling the income bracket, but it seems most of the posters are just like everyone else: looking for someone with whom they have something in common and to whom they are attracted. It’s just that when you have some money, those interests usually change (wine, horses, opera, travel, etc.).

  15. 75
    JB

    Cilla is right. If a woman is genuinely is into “horses,yachting,wine & opera she’s not gonna hanging out on “meet a plumber” .com
    No more than a man who’s into “in shape” women will be going to BBW.com etc… The problem with the millionaire site is …..I’m assuming their are no “millionaire” women looking hot hunk poor guys but I could be wrong because I never go to the site….LOL

  16. 76
    JB

    Sorry for the typo: It should say “I’m assuming their are no millionaire women looking FOR hot hunk poor guys who still might be intelligent.

  17. 77
    hunter

    She can be curvy, my only criteria, while going on a date, she must “fit” in my car. I own a small car.

  18. 78
    vino

    If Cilla wants to read my few words into her articulation, so be it. By the way, my aborted try at match indicated TONS of women who like wine, international travel, cultural events, spas, etc. Difference is, most of them make no more than $50k/yr. (Not disparaging the income, but the tastes vs. the ability to pay for it is questionable).

    BTW, aren’t we off-topic?

    Basic point – Guys don’t bother to search ‘curvy’ women on dating sites because sooo many women’s version of ‘curvy’ resembles the Michelin Man instead of _____(fill in accepted curvy cutie – older Marilyn Monroe perhaps?).

  19. 79
    vino

    JB – women rarely (as in almost never) will get involved with someone who has less $ than they, no matter how smart he may be. Funny how women expect guys to get involved with them if he makes/has far more $ than her…

  20. 80
    Cilla

    To answer your question, JB, I did a quick perusal, and the income range seems to vary for women, as it does for men. Most people seem to be in the above 150K range, with a few in the 500K+ or millionaire range. I think once you get into a certain bracket, it doesn’t matter if you make $200,000 or a million a year–your interests and ability to pursue them are different from most folks. The reality is that just like people want to date at their level of attractiveness, so do they want to date at their level of lifestyle. I guess if I met a soul mate who only made 30K a year, I wouldn’t mind supporting him, but I think we can all agree that contingency is a remote one.

    Again, I will reiterate: I’m sure the site hosts a few gold diggers of both sexes, but the posters are generally of a different educational and/or cultural level. I don’t think it’s correct to assume they are poor women looking for sugar daddies. There are other sites that promote more blatant benefactor relationships of that nature.

  21. 81
    Cilla

    P.S. Sorry to continue veering somewhat off topic, although I do think the semantics of body type vary with education, culture, etc. Throw in language difference, and you have even more to chew on. “Curvy” definitely means something different for the LA photographer vs. the banker in Madrid vs. the construction worker in Scranton. Evan, care to weigh in?

  22. 82
    Cilla

    No pun intended.

  23. 83
    cinnamon

    Marilyn Monroe :-) man, that’s a high bar :-)

  24. 84
    vino

    Cilla, don’t rag on N.E.P.A….not everyone works in construction! ;-) Some even make beer down the road in Wilkes-Barre….Hey, I think there are more universities there than in all of Arizona. Interesting…

    Cinn, would you rather Anna Nicole Smith? Ugh ;-)

  25. 85
    hunter

    to vino,

    Mature(older) women get involved with men that earn fewer $. And they can be discreet.

  26. 86
    Curvy Girl

    Curvy girls: I take some style tips from Marilyn — it seems to do the trick. Dresses, always, that accentuate the trim waistline and the round bosom, drawing attention up from the round (but glorious) bum. Skirt flirting just above the knee, heels if his height permits. It’s a very sexy look, if I do say so myself. Would never be considered a skinny or thin look, though. But who cares. It works for a lot of guys. Not all, but how many do we need? (Interesting question….!!!)

    If you aren’t curvy, technically speaking, but carry extra weight around the middle, you can also find dresses that flatter. A lot of women who are overweight give up when it comes to fashion because the industry hasn’t been too helpful until just recently. But check out some makeover shows/articles — you can really see the difference before and after. And use after shots with your profile!!!

    Regarding the digression (why I love blogs — digressions are the POINT!!) I like guys who are more my equal in all ways — looks (nice, not perfect), education/intelligence (super smart without being elitist or boorish or condescending), and fun. Not every woman is looking to trade looks/sexiness/youth/charm for financial betterment, so these kinds of generalizations always sound so dumb to me. I don’t know who does these studies, or who perpetuates these myths, but there are plenty of us women who have a lot going for us besides our cute patooties, and we want to have fun and partner up with guys who also have a lot going for them (like a cute patootie!). And outside of the high-net-worth people in the ego professions, I don’t see many men partnered up with trophies — most people (I believe) want to be with someone who loves them warts and all. When we talk about guys, my female friends and I NEVER go on and on about his money or what he does for a living as if it’s some great selling point. So I don’t know who these women you’re talking about are. We have good jobs/careers, so we like being with guys who have the same thing going on, but what’s wrong with that? We do talk about guys’ attractiveness, though. One friend hates bald; one isn’t sure about the suitor with the hairy body, even though the sex is great; I have a problem with regional accents. None of us is overweight and so overweight is a turn-off no matter how much money he makes; some of us are very active, and so sedentary, even if he’s skinny, might not work. See? Lots of talk about physical attractiveness here; no wallet-chasing.

    My advice to guys? Stop moaning and groaning about wallet-chasing women, and find another kind of gal — one with a job she loves and a bright mind and ready smile. We’re much more fun, anyway, and some of us have cute, generous curvy-girl butts.

  27. 88
    cinnamon

    vino,
    #84
    no, Lara Croft, if anything ;-)

    I don’t know why, but this constant returns to money issues makes me feel a bit jalous of all these people who married their college/university sweetie.

  28. 89
    cinnamon

    uhhh, I really miss the Edit button here…

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