Would It be Worthwhile to Send a Brief Survey to Men Who Don’t Message Me Online?

You give great advice. One thing I’m not sure how to do is your suggestion to ask for feedback from guys that don’t follow up after first date. Would they really be willing to share? I’m more comfortable with asking guys in an email.

I had this crazy idea of maybe making a short survey to send online when a guy I like views me but doesn’t message. For example, what is the reason you are passing on this profile, and give four multiple choice, like too old, not enough photos…etc.

I have the probably typical issue where it feels like none of the guys I like message me and I’m not interested in the guys who do. So, I would like to know is it just a numbers game or could I improve my profile to attract the men I’m interested in? Thanks for your thoughts on the survey idea.

Brooke

No. Definitely not.

Consider what your life would be like if every man whose profile you viewed sent you a survey? You’d have hundreds of earnest, unsolicited emails from men flooding your inbox. Ugh.

So let’s acknowledge that your impulse for self-reflection is admirable; there’s much more power in trying to understand why your marketing isn’t attracting the right men than there is in blaming men, as a gender, for not writing to you.

The browsing phase is not the time to ask for feedback. Too many men. Too little time.

But the browsing phase is not the time to ask for feedback. Too many men. Too little time.

If you want to get better at online dating, you don’t need to survey a bunch of clueless guys who are scrolling through hundreds of women. Here’s all you need to do:

Finding the One Online is my comprehensive audio series that helps you write a clever username, craft a one-of-a-kind profile, post the kind of photos that get you noticed, and develop an email technique that makes men want to follow through and meet you in person. Soon, you’ll have more men and higher quality men chasing you down like never before.

Click here to learn more about Finding the One Online.

If you discover that you are not capable of following the directions in FTOO (they come in audio, transcript and workbook format), your next stop would be e-Cyrano, my online dating profile writing site. Since 2003, our professional profile writing, username writing and photo critiques has helped thousands of women attract better men online.

Click here to learn more about e-Cyrano.

Finally, if you need professional photos, check out my friends at LookBetterOnline. I have sent over 1000 of my own clients to this site, which has photographers all over North America. I may be a big believer in the power of a written profile, but it won’t do a thing if he doesn’t want to click on your photo first.

Click here to learn more about LookBetterOnline.

I hate to use a blog post to plug products, but honestly, the first six years of my business (2003-2008) was all about online dating, and there’s no point in asking mediocre men for expert profile advice. That’s like asking your plumber for fashion advice. Maybe he’s stylish, but I wouldn’t put my money on it…

It is not a “rejection” when a man looks at your profile and doesn’t write to you, no more than it’s a rejection of every item at the mall when you don’t buy it up front.

Finally, two important distinctions for you, Brooke:

    1. It is not a “rejection” when a man looks at your profile and doesn’t write to you, no more than it’s a rejection of every item at the mall when you don’t buy it up front. In fact, you have a 40% HIGHER chance of getting an email from a guy who has checked out your profile than a man who hasn’t. Know why? Because if he looked at you, he finds you attractive. Men don’t look at women they find unattractive just for kicks. So instead of taking things personally and trying to send them a survey, how about you add the cute ones to your favorites list, get Finding the One Online and write some funny Opinion Openers to get their attention. You’ll be shocked to discover that 50% of the men you thought were “rejecting” you will actually write back!

    2. I first wrote about Rachel Greenwald’s “exit interview” concept when her “Have Him at Hello” book (then titled, “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”) first came out. In short, if you have a good date with a guy who, one week later, has disappeared, you send him a brief email asking him what exactly happened. And yes, if you word it properly and let him know you’re a big girl looking for feedback, not some stalker trying to get his attention, you may learn something more valuable than I can teach you on this blog – honest feedback about the real reason he didn’t call you back.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Clare

    It really doesn’t often happen to me these days that a guy I go on a first date with doesn’t ask to see me again (not bragging, I’ve just put in a lot of self-development work to be a good date and look my best) but I sometimes think I would give anything to know why guys I find cute, who seem to be in my “league” don’t message me/respond to a message/swipe left/disappear after a couple of messages, or any variation on that theme.

     

    Of course, when I think about it, there could be a multitude of reasons. He has a girlfriend. His girlfriend looked through his phone or computer and caught him out. He’s emotionally unavailable after having his heart broken. He suddenly had to leave on business or stuff came up in his life. He’s not really a nice person. He deleted the app for reasons unrelated to me. Any one of a million reasons. Or, there was just something about me he didn’t like. Or he was not attracted to me. But I really would kill to have a crystal ball which tells me which of these it is. Because I’m so damn curious.

    1. 1.1
      Chris

      The simplest argument is that these guys are actually out of your “league”, or they would be messaging you. That would suck if its true, but its worth considering.

      1. 1.1.1
        Clare

        Agreed. That is the simplest argument. And I don’t mind that at all. Still, I would give a lot to know what the other reasons are… just to settle my curiosity…

         

        For instance, I sent a guy on Facebook who I thought was cute a friend request. We had mutual friends, but I’d never met him. I thought, what the hell, I have nothing to lose. He sent me a message asking how he knew me, and I told him honestly that I didn’t know him but had seen his band play before and liked the music. There were a couple of positive messages exchanged back and forth and he accepted my friend request. So I thought, cool, and I left it at that.

         

        Later that day, I saw I had not only been deleted as his friend but also blocked (I assume). It made no sense to me, because our message exchange was harmless. However, come to think of it, he seemed to be in the process of a divorce, and I would give a lot to know whether his deleting me was somehow related to what he was going through, or because he somehow  found it undesirable to have someone on his friends list whom he doesn’t know. It just seemed odd. His last message to me ended with a smile, and then poof, gone. Ah the foibles of human nature.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          If he performs with a gigging band, then you have your answer.  I played lead guitar in gigging bands when I was younger.  You would not believe how easy it is for a man to get women when he performs in a gigging band.  If word has gotten out that he is getting divorced, he is more than likely already receiving a ton of unwanted attention from women.   I would not take what he did  personally.

        2. Clare

          YAG,

           

          Thank you! That’s actually a relief to know. And actually now that you mention it, it makes perfect sense. The guys I’ve known over the years who were in gigging bands said that they used to have women throwing themselves at them. I’ll never forget a gig I was at where a (good looking) local musician was playing. It was an intimate venue and the two girls in front of me were doing everything but stripping down naked in front of him. In fact the guy that I am seeing now used to gig for years and he said during that time, he was something of a man slut because he never had to approach women. They always approached him first.

           

          The guy I mentioned in my first comment is very good looking and is a bass player, so it would make absolute sense that he is being inundated with unwanted attention.

    2. 1.2
      Sum Guy

      Clare,  for me (if not distance or timing) it would likely we didn’t line up on connectivity.   Such as what you enjoy in your free time and aspire to.  Nothing personal just different ways to live.

  2. 2
    Karl R

    Brooke,

    Sending out a survey is not going to help you.  If your profile is well written (or even modestly above average), then it’s not something you can “fix” through a survey.

     

    Back when I was online dating, I looked at hundreds of profiles and emailed about 5% of them.  For the ones I didn’t contact, there were several common reasons:

    1. Deal-breakers: she wanted kids (I didn’t), she smoked, she thought “braniacs” were a turn-off.

    2. It was clear that I wasn’t what she was looking for.

    3. A badly written or empty profile.

    4. The profile picture looked good, but one or more of the other pictures was a turn-off.

    5. There was nothing to connect to in the profile (nothing in common).

     

    If a guy eliminates you for reasons #1 and #2, then your profile is working as intended.  If he eliminates you for reasons #3 or #4, then you need general coaching on how to improve your profile … not a smattering of vague opinions from surveying random men.  If it boils down to #5, then the guy may be on the fence about writing you.  Feel free to wink at him and see whether it causes him to respond favorably.

    Try not to over-analyze the situation.  As Evan said, looking at your profile means he likes your looks.  No more, no less.

    1. 2.1
      Marika

      Great to have you back, Karl R 🙂

      Brooke, a few guys have asked me why I looked at their profiles and didn’t message them. It’s usually because they have written very little (or nothing) in their profile, and less often, because there are deal-breakers in there, or occasionally they come across as angry or bitter. When I explain (briefly, and usually in a fun, teasing way), it rarely goes well. People tend to get defensive, and I don’t think it’s ever been the case that someone was able to ‘talk me into’ going out with them. That’s not how attraction works.

      So I can’t imagine, even if you did get guys responding, that it would necessarily go that well. You’d probably get a range of conflicting reasons (some possibly rude), or you’d feel defensive. I can’t actually imagine many guys would actually take time to respond, so it would likely just be a big waste of time.

      When you look at their profiles, you can probably figure out why they didn’t message you (age, distance, wanting different things). Just take it as a blessing that inappropriate guys aren’t writing to you, and move on.

      If no one is messaging, then there’s definitely something you need to improve in your profile, and Finding the One Online is invaluable. Also, one other thing, are you making your first messages fun, interesting, cool and a bit flirty?

      I have a very attractive and interesting friend who gave up on online dating as no one was answering her messages (and she didn’t like the guys messaging her). Turns out she was writing really serious, boring messages. That’s a buzz kill. I get a great response to my messages (even if they aren’t interested, they at least respond to my message in some way), as I write short, funny messages that reference their profile in some (non-obvious way) and are just begging to be responded to (FTOO teaches that).

      Good luck 🙂

  3. 3
    Sum Guy

    Hi Brooke,

    I can give you one older guy’s (50 yr) perspective.   First, Mark is right, generally do not look at profiles unless I find the person attractive, but I do admit to just general curiosity sometimes.

    There are some things that may make me not reach out that some may not think of as a creepy category, like a single photo or only blurry photos, too many photos of your kids (it’s a privacy/judgment issue, not I don’t like kids, have 3 of my own, but make sure never to show their face in my online photos).

    There can also be things in a profile that make me decide we would not hit it off. For me a golf fanatic is a turn-off for other men it makes you golden.

    The above is pretty typical selection stuff, stuff I bet Evan makes his bread n butter on fixing

    Here are the two big reasons I don’t text when I otherwise might.

    Distance, miles alone mean nothing where I live 20 miles west, no problem, 20 miles east you could be over an hour away.

    Timing, I won’t message if I’ve got too much on my dating plate already.   I generally hear back from about 2/3 of those I message even these days when I’m very selective.   So I don’t like to be messaging more than 4 or 5 people at a time.  I’ve gotten into situations in the past where multiple-women I find hot want to keep seeing me but I prefer to be with one woman at a time, so I avoid getting into those situations.

    I will always respond to a message from someone I’m attracted to but didn’t message for one of the reasons above  if nothing else to explain why.    And you never know, it is a huge plus when someone reaches out to me first.   I like the confidence and feel she must find me intriguing enough to take the rejection risk.

     

     

     

    1. 3.1
      Fromkin

      Reasons not to contact a woman online, let’s see. When there are hundreds of profiles in my age range and within a half hour drive, first the profile photos. Selfies are bad; it means she’s not trying. Making faces is unattractive. Frowning into your computer’s webcam is bad. Just have someone else take your picture. Fat is bad. Old-looking is bad.

      In the profile itself, being political, or religious, or new-agey is a problem. Being very specific is a problem; you want only super-fit or only a left-handed kayaker? You want only Mormon? I have to have a doctorate? No kids? Ok, pass. Anger at previous men, at this process, in your profile is bad.

      You have financial requirements which exclude the vast majority of us, either via that checkbox on Match or spelled out? You don’t want to talk to me. (I think you are competing with a lot of women, though, for a guy in that tax bracket.  What’s your plan?)

      Any hint that you’re holding out for the One is a problem. You know what you want and refuse to settle? I can’t impress you; I have tried. This is a big problem at 50: so many women enjoying the solitude after their divorce, but going online anyway.

    2. 3.2
      designergirlbella

      Dear Sum Guy,

      Could you give guy’s perspectives on being offered friendship after first meeting? I am quite new to online dating and I have met a few great guys who I felt were more suited as friends and I would suggest being friends and none were keen which was a bit surprise to me. And do guys also suggest being friends? Thank you.

      1. 3.2.1
        Sum Guy

        Hi designergirlbella

        My view is guys are reluctant to accept being just a friend when they meet you for a date because there is not the connection or shared activity /interest that would lead to friendship.  Also, there is the dreaded “friend zone” which can be very frustrating for a guy that wants to be more than friends.  So a guy that meets you for a date is almost by definition wanting to be more than friends.

        I once tried, offered, the friend thing with a woman I met online.   We had a shared interest in books. We did text and e-mail for a while but she did live over an hour away, I’m not very good with pen pal type friendships (my free time is limited with 3 kids n dating) so that faded.

        I’m 50, which I think is important to mention as it’s a different social dynamic when younger.

        1. designergirlbella

          Thank you so much. Since finding this site read a lot about this “friend zone” situation, wasnt even really aware of this.. and so many debates on whether men and women can be friends. I guess after 5 months of online dating I met a few great guys I I didn’t  felt romantically but really enjoyed their companies like I would of friends hence the friendship suggestions and was surprised of their reactions. I thought I make a great friend! Haha..

          I am having a break as it’s been so overwhelming though now I will read and learn and when I get back I will be better equipped. I appreciate you took time to responded to me.  And I wish you all the best in finding your happy ending! 🙂

           

           

           

           

  4. 4
    Stacy

    I just don’t think you should care this much.  It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he did not respond and if his interest level was high enough, he would have reached out.  As long as you were your authentic self and know you presented yourself well, there is nothing else you can do.  You can’t please everyone.  There are so many reasons why a guy did not follow up and most of it will have to do with him. And even if there was something in your profile he was not feeling, it is what it is.  I think a better strategy would be to show an honest friend your profile if you want feedback about it…but a survey? If a man sent me that, I would think it was weird.

    I have never gotten rejected after going out with a man on a first date. However, I have had moments when a man looked at my profile but did not write.  You can’t win em all and that’s okay.

  5. 5
    Danaellen

    I hate the way dating has become “marketing myself” as if I am a product for public consumption.

    Yes, I have a great photo on a dating site and my profile essay questions were done the “Evan” way. Did it work? Yes! If a man actually reads it then I get a great response. I have gotten compliments too.   It took me four months to get that profile perfect.  If men were viewing me,but not messaging me, I went back again and again trying to write the profile that would wow them as well as represent me.  I loved the creative aspects of crafting that profile but feel depressed that I now feel like an infomercial that has to grab a man’s attention with the perfect and impactful sound bite.

     

    1. 5.1
      JD

      Don’t complain. If you were a man, you’d kill for the opportunity to put together a profile and sit back and wait to be asked out.

      1. 5.1.1
        Sum Guy

        JD…you say that like women never reach out or ask men out.  They do if you have a good profile.   Certain I don’t get as many contacts as I imagine a woman might, but get at least one message a week from women I also find interesting and many more from those I don’t.   About a quarter (of the ones I’m interested in) will ask to meet before I ask them, and I’m pretty quick to ask.

        I don’t really find it a burden though to message women or ask them out.

        1. Clare

          Sum Guy,

           

          Your attitude is really lovely and refreshing after the spate of guys who usually come on here complaining about the injustices and imbalance of the dating game.

    2. 5.2
      Sum Guy

      Danaellan, as long as it is you it’s good because if he is attracted to it he is attracted to you.   Especially if it reflects a part of you that is important to you and maybe out of the ordinary.

      1. 5.2.1
        Sum Guy

        Thanks Clare, sure there are imbalances in the dating world, doesn’t make it an injustice.   From my women friends they seem to get  exposure to vulgar and angry messages, i.e. crazies, something men don’t normally face. I’d gladly trade having to ask someone out to avoid creepy stalker types .

        So men are “expected” to ask women out, make the first move, pay the bill.   I’ll agree that is all likely true.  But I say so what.   If those things bother you as a man, filter those women out.   There will be women left and your chance of connecting to them is higher.

        I may be filtering or unique, but I really don’t see the majority of the women I dig acting this way.  They always offer to split the tab or more likely say they will pick up the next one, and do.   I get asked out way more than common wisdom suggests. On the first move, that’s really not hard, who is making the first move if she leans into you and you lean in to kiss her?  Both of you are, chemistry/lust is a wonderful thing.

        I will agree that there are injustices that men face in life, but in the dating world no more than women face just of a different kind.

  6. 6
    Nissa

    I wouldn’t mind completing a questionnaire if it only had four questions. Even if it said something like, “If your reason wasn’t listed above, what was it?”. I’ll be honest – a lot of the time when I view someone, it’s because a lot of men post pictures where you really can’t see their face. Then when you see it, it’s a person that I don’t find attractive. Now, this is not saying they are not attractive in general – it’s not attractive to me personally. I’m not attracted to beards, tattoos or certain head shapes (see Mitch McConnell). So while it’s not a disparagement of that person, it’s still an “ew”. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or be a rude person by pointing it out. But if I was asked directly, I’d be truthful. Then the person has a choice about whether that quality matters to them or not.

    I say this mostly because as a single person, I get a lot of people asking why I don’t date. When I explain that my weight is a deterrent for the guys I’d be willing to date, my friends scoff at the idea that this could truly be the reason men don’t want to date me. Ask any man if he wants to date an overweight woman vs not overweight, average sized woman, and you’ll get the same answer most of the time. How can I blame a man for not being attracted to what doesn’t particularly turn me on either? But it’s socially unacceptable to say it. However, it is something that I can change. And painful as that is, I’d rather hear that it’s something about me that I could change, rather than something over which I have no power or control. Or even, that it’s something that I consider inconsequential.

    1. 6.1
      Clare

      Nissa,

       

      This is such an interesting point. I’d be much more hurt to hear that a guy didn’t like, for instance, the shape of my nose, or hazel eyes, or petite women (things I can do nothing about), than to hear that he did not like long hair, girls who wore jeans, or girls who liked eighties rock music (things I could do something about). The first one seems to be a rejection of who I am inherently, and says I have no power over it at all. The second would be much easier for me to laugh off as just a difference in taste. Of course, they are both simply a difference in taste.

       

      I suppose we are all hypocritical. I would never want a guy to take the fact that I had rejected him personally. It almost never means that I think he is a bad guy or that there is something wrong with him. But I do take it personally when someone rejects me. (The difference is I won’t admit it.)

      1. 6.1.1
        Yet Another Guy

        However, being overweight is something over which a person has control.  Being overweight is a choice.  I have been there a couple of times in my life.

        1. Karl R

          Yet Another Guy,

          Your statement isn’t entirely accurate. For a minority of people, obesity is caused by genetics. For a larger number, genetics predisposes them toward obesity. For others, its entirely behavioral. (And that’s not even touching sociological, economic or psychological contributors.)

          I’m the kind of guy who has never been overweight, and earlier this year I dropped 10 pounds just because it was cheaper than replacing all of my pants. But I’m not going to make the mistake of claiming everyone should find it equally easy. The science says otherwise.

        2. Yet Another Guy

          @Karl R

          I stand by my statement.  Obesity is a choice for most people.  Obesity is genetic in my family and so is insulin resistance/type 2 diabetes.  People who are prone to obesity need a higher activity level than those with more functional metabolic systems, which is why I exercise five to six days a week.  Diet alone will not result in significant permanent weight loss for people who are prone to obesity.  I have gained and lost a substantial amount of weight in my lifetime.   Show me an obese person, and I will show you a person with a poor diet and/or low activity level.

          Guys who become obese are hit with a double whammy; namely, lower testosterone and higher estradiol (E2) due to higher levels of aromatase activity within the fat cells, which is why fat guys get man boobs.   Strength training is an absolute must to turn this freight train around.

           

           

      2. 6.1.2
        ScottH

        “I’d be much more hurt to hear that a guy didn’t like, for instance, the shape of my nose, or hazel eyes, or petite women “

        I don’t understand this line of thinking.  Why would you give the power to hurt you to some random guy you don’t really know or who might have issues of his own?   And if they did reject you for those reasons, it says more about him than you.  Who said it above, one person’s trash is another person’s treasure?   Go find someone who treasures you and be very careful of whom you give the power to hurt you.  There should only be a small number of those people.

        1. Clare

          ScottH,

           

          What kind words, thank you. Maybe hurt is a strong word – I wouldn’t be hurt by someone I didn’t know, and I’d be over it in a few hours. It could be an ego thing – I was raised to be charming, and been told by guys that I’m good looking, so maybe it’s more that momentary thing of “Oh he doesn’t like me? Why?” and I have a tiny cry baby sulk.

        2. Christine

          ScottH that was very well said. Not all opinions have equal value–and the opinions of some random person who doesn’t really know you have the least value of all.  I once heard a saying that for someone to walk over you, you need to lie down first.  So, don’t lie down.

          Clare, I actually did once hear from a guy that he didn’t like me for my height (sort of like what you said about petite women).  I actually don’t consider myself “petite”.  I’m 5’4″, which I think is pretty average for a woman (neither statuesque nor short).

          The guy wanted someone at least 5’7″.  Believe me that it was more silly than hurtful and wasn’t even an ego blow. 🙂

        3. Clare

          Christine,

           

          I love what you said about the opinions of someone who doesn’t really know you having the least value of all! I will remember that next time I’m tempted to take personally random negativity thrown my way by someone who doesn’t know me. The more I grow up, the more I realize how much of human life takes place at the subjective level. Which is all the more reason not to take things personally.

           

          About the height thing – I’m also 5’4”, or just under. 1.63 m. But I’m always referred to as “small,” “petite,” “tiny,” “short.” As far as I know, this is the world average height for women, so I don’t know what that’s about. My height doesn’t bother me at all – quite the contrary. I enjoy being on the shorter side as a woman, because it means I don’t have to pay much attention to a guy’s height. It opens up much more possibilities.

           

          It’s rare, but I too have found the occasional man who prefers statuesque women. I think it’s the model thing – they like the long legs, which I can certainly understand. The guy I’m currently seeing is not good looking but average height, and says he’s always liked taller women. But apparently he likes me. I agree with you that the height thing can be a bit silly. As long as there’s not a giant difference, who cares? Even then, I know of a couple where there is a giant difference in height and they are as happy as lovebirds.

        4. Clare

          * the guy I’m seeing IS good looking (he’s very good looking)

          (facepalm)

  7. 7
    MilkyMae

    I remember 10+ years ago, match.com and other sites encouraged women to write to men.  The dating services discovered that women who were willing and able to contact men had more success.  The funny thing now is that sites like match don’t promote the idea as much any more.  I think they mined the data and discovered that they get more revenues when women wait for men to write first.  Women who contact men tend either succeed and drop off the site or fail and drop off the site.  Women who don’t date much but don’t get rejected produce the most profits.  For men, its a little different because men go where the women are.

    1. 7.1
      Yet Another Guy

      Learning how to deal with rejection is part of the male experience.  If women want to know why so many men are emotionally unavailable, here is a clue.   Emotional unavailability is acquired over the years because men start out as being emotionally vulnerable in their teens.   It is through rejection that men learn how to become players.   In essence, players are men who have learned how to game rejection.

      1. 7.1.1
        Sum Guy

        Another route men take is they learn to not base their sense of self on if a woman accepts their advances or not, and realize not everyone liking you is a part of life.

        Instead, like men women vary, some will like you some not, then you learn to interact better with the ones you like so they like you.

        It’s really not rocket science, be a decent, confident human being who lives a doing something life, banish completely from your psyche the belief that “all women” bear whatever negative trait you blame for them not wanting you.

        of course I’m talking about establishing a meaningful relationship…one where both parties are emotionally available to each other

        1. Christine

          That is valuable advice and I think it’s equally applicable to women as well, in dealing with rejections from men.  It’s inevitable that with the sheer number of people on the planet, not everyone is going to like you.

          In hindsight, I wish I had been better at shrugging off rejection as just a part of life.  If I could go back in time, I’d tell my younger self not to agonize about this or that guy not responding to my messages…because it ultimately won’t matter in the long run.

          I really like the positive tone of your posts.  We’d all be better off if we adopted that kind of mindset.

           

           

        2. Marika

          Just wanted to say thank you, Sum Guy. Your maturity, ability to self – reflect and to give a man’s point of view that is balanced and helpful, is greatly appreciated.

        3. Karl R

          Christine,

          If I’d learned how to shrug off rejection at a younger age, I probably would have gotten married a decade earlier.  I definitely would have spent more of my twenties and early thirties dating.

          But I’m glad I learned the lesson eventually.

        4. Malika

          If i’d shrugged off rejection better i would have had way more room for emotional availability and men who consistently follow up! At 36 i am fine and have ample choice but oh to be this laid back about dating at 26. The world is then your oyster.

  8. 8
    Malika

    The reason one person rejects you online is the very reason another one contacts you. Evan has stated repeatedly to only focus on men who show interest. The rest aren’t future boyfriend material, so their opinion doesn’t have to be brought into consideration.

    If someone doesn’t answer back, just think of all the reasons you don’t. You didn’t think it would gel irl, you met someone, you bumped into your ex and realize you need a longer break, you are messaging other men and they seem more promising… chances are that these are the reasons men don’t answer back or take it any further. It has nothing to do with you. For me personally, it’s usually that i am messaging with 2-3 guys and i don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be in contact with anymore. Even if a really cute guy messages me.

    From all the profiles i have seen online, once the photo’s pass the cute threshold, most of them have been somewhat to very appealing. Exceptions as the expat that supports Brexit vociferously (hell to the no! I’m still traumatized), the guy with the laundry list, or the one who can only speak in terms of geek speak (there is a life outside computer games and Star Wars) are just exceptions. Most profiles are perfectly fine, it’s usually random who you end up clicking on and starting a conversation with.

    1. 8.1
      Christine

      That is so true–my own story actually illustrates this point.  I once had some man send a rude email to me, criticizing my profile.  I shrugged and deleted it.

      Sure enough, just a few days later, my husband came along and loved the exact same profile that that other person had criticized.  It’s such a cliché, but it really is true that one person’s trash is another person’s treasure!  If I had changed my profile based on the opinions of the first guy (or whoever else didn’t like me), I could have missed out on my own husband.

      Instead of expending so much mental energy on the men who don’t like her, Brooke should focus on the ones who do.  Not to say that people shouldn’t try to improve their profile.  But, there really is no one, “universal” profile that will be loved by everybody either.  Since you can’t appeal to everyone, you might as well just put forth the best, most authentic version of yourself.  Then, just trust that the right person will eventually come along and be attracted to that.

       

      1. 8.1.1
        Sum Guy

        Wow, anyone that unsolicited would take time out of life to criticize someone’s profile really has no life, and is someone to avoid like the plague.

        In my experience, guys never get that kind of text.

        1. Christine

          My sentiments exactly.  So, that’s exactly what I did, avoided him like the plague.  The important thing is that my profile eventually reached and appealed to the one man who mattered.  In the end, we only need one person (well, assuming there’s no goal to build a harem lol)

           

    2. 8.2
      Marika

      So sorry about Brexit, Malika. We honestly couldn’t believe our ears!

      1. 8.2.1
        Malika

        The Euro version of bumping into a profile of a fascist dictator supporter and ranting on about it!

        1. Marika

          Oh nooooo

          I’ve learned from Evan not to allow political differences to get in the way of dating, but some issues are too raw and some people too vehement to allow them not to be an issue!

          Honestly, Brexit came not long after Trump and down here we were thinking – what on earth is going on with our Allies?? We almost thought about switching sides ;0 (jokes..).

  9. 9
    Sum Guy

    Thanks Christine, dealing with rejection wasn’t always easy for me, still don’t like it but who does.  Age and experience can bring perspective.

    Teenagers and those in their 20’s like to think they don’t care what people think, in my experience they just don’t care what their parents think.  They are very much consumed with what their peers think.

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