“When Harry Met Sally” posed the age-old question, and seemed to answer it: No. Men and women can’t just be friends. Attraction always gets in the way. But if you’re lucky, you can fall in love with your best friend.

This popular YouTube video posits largely the same premise – men will always want to sleep with their platonic girlfriends.

And while I don’t trust college boys to teach any life lessons in platonic friendship, even science validates their claim that men will sleep with their friends. From this Psychology Today article:

“In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Sapadin asked more than 150 professional men and women what they liked and disliked about their cross-sex friendships. Topping women’s list of dislikes: sexual tension. Men, on the other hand, more frequently replied that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship, and that it could even deepen a friendship. Either way, 62 percent of all subjects reported that sexual tension was present in their cross-sex friendships.”

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Evan, please help me with my problem. I was in a horrible marriage for 23 years. After a painful divorce I tried Match.com and met – I thought – a terrific guy. He swept me off my feet. We are in our 50′s. Sex was fantastic — it was like I was in high school. He texted me, wrote me notes, sent flowers, etc., etc. I think you know the story…

We have been together two years now. We are exclusive and he asked me to marry him 3 months ago. “Of course,” I said, but ever since that day, to me, our relationship has been horrible and I cry all the time. He never texts me, calls me, sends flowers or cards… no nothing. He now is telling me I demand too much sex and pushes me off him. He says we will marry when he is ready which is 2 years (once he has paid off his ex-wife’s debts).

When I ask him what happened to the texts, Facebook messages, and cards, he says he no longer needs to do that and that we will be married when he is ready. My heart is broken and I just don’t understand. Please help me understand how to deal with this. I am like a lovesick teen. I cry, try to hug him and he pushes me off. If he does not want me, why give me a beautiful ring? Please help me. Thank you. –Lee

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According to author Suzanne Venker, “the so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off… Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.”

When Venker asks men why they don’t want to get married, men say the same thing over and over:

“Women aren’t women anymore.”

Venker’s article on Fox News, and her new book, “How to Choose a Husband (and Make Peace with Marriage)” are decidedly controversial. I think Venker knows this and plays up her message, shifting the the blame for all relationship problems from men to women. This, I think, is a mistake. One gender is not to blame for all ills. Not men. Not women.

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Evan, I am a non-Jewish girl dating a Jewish guy. He is the first real guy I have been in a relationship with. I am 22 and he is 27. We’ve been together for several months and I can sense his hesitancy about me…and I am also hesitant of him. He still logs onto JDate every now and then, and I know because I am spying. Yes, I shouldn’t but I want to protect myself.

What is the likelihood a Jewish guy will leave you because you are non-Jewish? I cannot risk getting hurt. I do not want to keep being with him if down the line he will just leave me for a Jewish girl. His parents are rather conservative I believe, and he is a daddy’s boy. He may be stringing me along because you have said ‘any sex is better than no sex.’ His two exes were Jewish. He is an Atheist, but culturally Jewish. He also likes to please his parents. So….

Should I bail? Or stick it out? I have not met his parents or anything. We are also each other’s first (sex). I am a pain avoider as you have described in one article. I am falling for him every time we have sex, and it will hurt me tremendously if this man decides to leave me because I am not Jewish. I do not deserve to be used in this way. I would like to know if I should walk away now before I invest too much. Thanks. Love your articles. –B.

There are two different questions being asked here.

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It would be tempting to say, “because they can”, wouldn’t it?

Really, it doesn’t seem to be that complex. As noted in this Time Magazine article, modern-day men of power — Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, John Ensign, JFK, FDR, and most recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn — are noted for their serial wives and philandering. No need to get started on the rock stars and athletes who fit the same profile. What do these people have in common?

Three obvious things: Power, money and opportunity, which means access to women and considerable travel.

Cheaters not only think they won’t get caught, they think they’re above the law.

What the Time article also notes is something I hadn’t considered before, the point in life at which unusual privilege was first conferred.

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Evan, I’m really enjoying your advice. I have what I think is an unusual situation. I’ve been dating a very religious Catholic man for more than a year; I am not Catholic. I am divorced, and he says that for him to consider marrying me, I need an annulment through the Catholic Church – a long (up to two-year), arduous process.

I love him, but the thought of waiting two more years to find out what will happen with us seems really stressful. We’re both in our 40s and frankly, I don’t feel like I have a lot of time to waste. He’s made it clear that if my annulment is denied, he’s breaking up with me. In addition, he hasn’t PROMISED me that we’ll get married if I get my annulment, but only says it’s probable. What to do?

We spend almost all our free time together, tell each other we love each other, attend each other’s family functions — everything is great. But the thought of binding myself to someone a little more and a little more each day only to face the possibility of being told “Sorry, we have to break up” is almost unfathomable. Help. –Lee

I completely agree with you, Lee.

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I really enjoyed this piece Salon.com, challenging the idea that guys just want sex as often as possible, and with as many women as possible.

Any time science can challenge conventional wisdom, I’m all for it.

And, to be clear, I’ve bought into the conventional wisdom as well. Part of being human means believing that lots of other people are just like you. But apparently, when I was single, I was in a minority of men who could be classified as Casanovas. Says Andrew Smiler, author of “Challenging Casanova”:

“Research typically shows about 15 percent of guys have three or more partners in any given 12-month span. If you follow those guys over time the number of guys who have three or more partners a year for as long as three years, that drops to about 5 percent. So there are definitely some guys out there who are doing it — but it’s really a small percentage of guys. By contrast, if you look at guys who are very religious, that’s about 15 percent of guys, and most of them really are devoutly religious, really dedicated to their partner. There’s way more of that than guys that are having three partners per year for three years.

Fair and interesting point. However, I do think that Smiler hasn’t necessarily considered some other factors in determining that men aren’t that sex-oriented. Namely:

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Evan,

How would I know if my doubts about my boyfriend and my future with him are a search for perfection or are reasons for legitimate concerns? I’ve read the “Marry him!” book and I agree that a man’s limitations are simply human flaws we all have… but then, I would come across  articles like this one saying I should not ignore my doubts and having doubts is a predictor of a high divorce rate.

I did a very honest evaluation of my boyfriend’s pluses and minuses (we’ve been together for close to 2 years) and I STILL don’t know if I should be with him in a long run. He has great qualities: he is a man of integrity, he is loving, affectionate, devoted, generous in his heart and with his actions, honest. However, I’m afraid that the things that irritate me (his mood swings, insecurities, social ineptness and trust issues) will be the ones to break us apart in the future. How do you know what are the deal breakers?

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A recent New York Times article told us something we already knew, but don’t like to hear:

Newlyweds enjoy a big happiness boost that lasts, on average, for just two years.

Of course, you may have heard that once or twice from me. But the NYT says it a lot better:

“When love is new, we have the rare capacity to experience great happiness while being stuck in traffic or getting our teeth cleaned. We are in the throes of what researchers call passionate love, a state of intense longing, desire and attraction. In time, this love generally morphs into companionate love, a less impassioned blend of deep affection and connection. The reason is that human beings are, as more than a hundred studies show, prone to hedonic adaptation, a measurable and innate capacity to become habituated or inured to most life changes.”

Yep. The same way the thrill of a new car wears off, the thrill of a new relationship wears off, too. We expect it with the car. Yet we think that the thrill of new love should last forever. Think again.

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Hi Evan. I hope you can help. This is about my son. I love him dearly. First, I can say he is not gay. But he is already 29 and tells me he doesn’t believe in marriage. He believes in plurality in relationships. He refuses most arguments about the benefits of being married and insists that the best lifestyle for him is not to be faithful to one woman, but to have many women.

See, this breaks my heart. As a mother I want him to find a women that loves him, get married and have children and be faithful like a normal person would do.

How can I help him move his thinking towards favoring marriage and faithful relationships?

Any suggestions? Please help.
–Ileana

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