Polyamory: Intensifying The Living Experience?
Writer Kendra Holliday has been with her partner for four years. They’re in a long-term relationship but aren’t married. They don’t live together – they keep their households, finances, and families separate. Why?
Her goal is not to have a healthy relationship. It’s to “intensify the living experience.”
How?
Through polyamory. Not to be confused with polygamy, polyamory refers to the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
In Love Like an Ocean: Diving Deep into Polyamory, she writes that “love is like an ocean, not a bathtub. One person doesn’t need to get out in order for another to get in.”
Her relationship is open, allowing her and her partner to experience intimate relationships with other people, such as dating, loving, and exploring sexually. Sometimes they do it together; other times, separately.
She argues that “it’s endearing for a woman to run a cupcake blog and bake a different cupcake recipe every day of the year. It’s admirable for a couple to grow prized orchids or breed teacup Chihuahuas. But to love Peggy AND Sue at the same time? That’s scary.”
Regardless of the relationship style, she lists the following traits are desirable for ANY healthy relationship: agreeableness, confidence, conscientiousness, and, the “trickiest” one – being emotionally stable.
You can read the full article here.
I’ve never experimented with polyamory myself, but I do find the concept interesting.
Since monogamy isn’t natural, but rather a choice that couples make to preserve a union, it is certainly compelling if a couple can pull it off.
What makes the concept of polyamory interesting is that it’s not cheating. It’s sanctioned within the relationship, by both parties, because sexual variety is appealing, and it doesn’t pose an existential threat to the relationship. That’s highly evolved thinking, if you ask me. I’ve always said that if my wife cheated on me, I wouldn’t break up with her. What I don’t know is how comfortable I’d be if this were a regular (and sanctioned) occurrence. I’d like to think I’d be big enough to handle it, but maybe not.
And perhaps that’s why most relationships involve only two people: our basic, gut-level jealousy and insecurity about what sex with others means.
Why should a joyful sex act, intended to hurt no one, invalidate a perfectly happy relationship? I’m not quite sure.
And yet, it does…unless you’re both polyamorous.
Please, discuss.
(Oh, and when you do discuss, two requests: please don’t claim that I want to cheat on my wife. I’m a dating coach who’s forced to publicly think about my honest, unbiased take on dating and relationships. It’s not a crime to admit that while I’d never cheat because I have integrity, there are still many women who are physically desirable in the universe. Show me a man who says that his wife is the only woman he finds attractive and I’ll show you a liar. And please don’t argue with me about biology. The same way that homosexuality is not a choice, monogamy IS one. Billions of men override this biological imperative every day, but it doesn’t mean that they always want to. Read “Sex at Dawn” and then consider all of the men who cheat and refuse to commit for further evidence that men want sexual variety. So with those facts on the table, what is YOUR take – can two consenting adults still love each other unconditionally and have sex with other people?)
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46 Comments »Filed Under Sex
AnnieC 1
Out of all the relationship types I have considered that may work, monogamy, and polyamory are the only 2 that I think are possible.
I have since concluded that at this point in human society, that only monogamy will work. Sex is very powerful, and what ends up happening in polyamorous community is major strife.
Here’s a few things to consider:
1. When we base sex on Lust, not love, people end up playing games to “invite” lust, which means basically they lie
2. When sex is based on lust and not love, people fight for those that are naturally more sexually desirable, beautiful females, and powerful handsome men. These leads to dreadful competition between men, and between women, jealousies, betrayals and manipulation.
3. When sex is polyamorous a huge portion of the population miss out on sex entirely.
4. Sex has emotional consequences
5. Sex results in STD’s
6. Sex results in pregnancies
7. A truly intimate marriage is one built on sacrifice, and one of the biggest sacrifices is fidelity. But…if this is done right, it causes a phenomenal bond between man and woman, and keeps them together, so they raise their children safely.
That’s just a few points. Polyarmory has been tried before, and it doesn’t work. Too many people get too out of control , fight, compete, and quite frankly our society is not mature enough to deal with it.
Monogamy for now, is the only safe social bet, in terms of relationships imo. The only societies that have successfully navigated polyarmory, are matriachal.
Mikko Kemppe 2
“And perhaps that’s why most relationships involve only two people: our basic, gut-level jealousy and insecurity about what sex with others means.”
I think another reason why relationships can involve only two people is that we hold our sexual union special and sacred and desire to share it with only one person.
“What makes the concept of polyamory interesting is that it’s not cheating. It’s sanctioned within the relationship, by both parties, because sexual variety is appealing, and it doesn’t pose an existential threat to the relationship. That’s highly evolved thinking, if you ask me.”
“Since monogamy isn’t natural, but rather a choice that couples make to preserve a union”
Taking in consideration our biology, could not monogomy and holding one sexual relationship as a sacred and special one be even more “highly evolved” thinking?
my honest answer 3
“It’s not a crime to admit that while I’d never cheat because I have integrity, there are still many women who are physically desirable in the universe. Show me a man who says that his wife is the only woman he finds attractive and I’ll show you a liar.”
Show me a women who says that her husband is the only man she finds attractive and I’ll show you a liar too. It’s got nothing to do with gender. People find other people attractive, whether they are married or not.
Jen 4
Many coupes these days are alternative in their sexual habits mainly because they dont want to become bored with each other . Most partners become swingers , and this way they are aware of what they each are doing. A man chooses to be faithful to one woman as it is in his biology to spread his seed . A woman searches for the best mate to have children with .
I think couples must do whatever they feel most comfortable with …..
Dan 5
I think this is happening a lot more than we believe, just not exactly the way described in the posting. People don’t call it polyamory and they don’t necessarily admit to the their partners that it is happening. Sometimes, the partners are aware of it, and are okay with it. Here are some examples:
My friend Rob is a 30-something electrical engineer. He is articulate, attractive, suave, wealthy, well spoken, polite and he actually enjoys things like artistic and cultural events. Women swoon over him. But he is very picky. For the last 15 or so years, he’s been dating up to 5 women at the same time, for anywhere between a few days to over a year. They are definitely not in a relationship. The women don’t know about the other women he is dating, but he makes it clear to them that he is still dating. And he is sleeping with them. Some of these women are hoping a serious relationship will happen, but some of them are also doing the same thing he is doing but dating multiple men.
I also have a few 40-something guy friends. They’ve been through marriages and that has made them leery of commitment again. They are still dating. I know that they are seeing women over a length of time, though not in a committed relationship. They do things together, including sex. It sounds like they and the women are perfectly good with booty calls with each other.
So I think this is already happening, and is becoming even more prevalent. It’s just that calling it polyamorous sounds too esoteric and alternative. Call it something else, and a lot more people will fess up.
lawyerette 6
While this is interesting and I certainly admire Evan’s honesty, I think the idea that it’s just a “joyful sex act” is incorrect. And this whole concept is predicated on the idea that sex is just a physical act. But it isn’t. I think a great illustration of this is how sexual abuse of children messes them up in ways that physical abuse alone does not. That rape has a different psychological trauma than being beat up. All this said, if folks can live this way and be happy, then more power to them.
Walt 7
I find polyamory fascinating too. I completely understand the thought process behind it and the ability to love more than one person intimately. However, it is that “gut level jealousy” that you spoke of that would never make polyamory an option for me.
I’m not to sure if we will ever figure out the mystery of our biology and if we are meant to be monogamous creatures or not. It seems we have opposing traits built into us. We can be in a secure relationship and still have lust for others. Yet if my wife were intimate with another man I would be insanely jealous.
No matter which path you follow it is true that emotional stability is the key.
Thanks for your fantastic blog Evan. Good exercise for the brain!
Lisa 8
To all men, women are feeling your pain too!
? If I truly love him I want him to be perfectly content with his life, nothing else.
.
I am certainly what you’d call a sweet, nurturing woman, but I have been questioning monogamy multiple times. A part of me has a hard time believing that I could be in a lasting, monogamous relationship. My longest relationship lasted 2.5 years. During this relationship, I had the desire to cheat but didn’t act on it. Women are not that different to men in many ways, if we could get that out of the way first, please, to be able to have an honest discussion!
Anyway, I really don’t know what it’s like to be married for 5, 10, 15 years and I don’t think I would break up with my partner because he strayed once.
I also think love shouldn’t be about possesiveness and if I really love someone I want him to be happy. Why would I try to make him stay faithful if he has the strong desire to feel another woman’s body again before he dies
However, I fear that having an open relationship will at the same time prevent me from creating a strong and deep bond with a male individual. Let us be honest, no man I date is the only possible partner for me. And the other way round. As sex with other people makes us get closer to the other people automatically, I consider an open relationship a serious threat to the original couple. I just can’t see how I could prevent myself from developing certain feelings for someone I sleep with while having a primary relationship. Maybe I want to spend a few weeks with the “new guy” because he’s more exciting for the time being? What would my real boyfriend do in that case? Be by himself? Look for somebody else, what if he can’t find anyone at that time?
To sum it up, I still can’t see an open relationship as an option as I am looking for a strong emotional bond. It’s one of those dilemmas we probably will never be able to solve. You got to choose your priority, I guess. Never forget what you already have, a loving wife or husband. You are probably far happier than ever single person out there, and most single nights are just boring
Tara 9
I find sex without mutual love and caring and specialness, to be empty, and ultimately unfulfilling and unsatisfying, even if the chemistry is pretty hot.
The joyful sex act has special symbolic significance to me that is reserved for one special person, at a time. ‘Serial monogamy’ is an inappropriate descriptor, imo, it reminds me of ‘serial killer’ or something.
My feeling is that when a man is truly in love with a woman, he will not have a very strong desire to act out any lust he may have for another woman, which lust is perfectly normal and fine.
Creative couples who truly care for each other can find ways to have novelty AND stability, at the same time.
There are a lot of very hot, attractive, intelligent people out there, you don’t have to sleep with them outside of your marriage for variety. Harmless flirting within full knowledge and intention that you don’t intend to take it to consummation, is fun and actually helps the primary relationship, because you bring that fun, flirty, sexy energy back to your partner. Emotionally mature people can delay gratification, even in this instant gratification, yes, you can have it all culture that we live in now.
So far, my other opinions on this matter most closely align with AnnieC and lawyerette, and
Dan, it’s not polyamory if both of them are not in full agreement and knowledge — it’s just plain old cheating. Lack of honesty and integrity.
Suheil 10
Can you love two people at the same time in the same way? I believe that love is something that is time dependent and every good relationship takes time and effort, knowledge of eachother and that’s what ultimately makes sex even more interesting and enjoyable.
To have various partners, is completely against the point of “knowing eachother truly” and appreciating all of what your partner is… good and bad. I don’t know… it’s like… if I already love somebody and care for somebody, why would I look around for more?
Marisa 11
I’ve seen polyamory in practice through some friends of mine. What inevitably seems to end up happening is that one person in the primary couple is into the idea, and the other one, well, not so much, but they begrudgingly go along with it to try and make their partner happy. That means swallowing resentment on a day to day basis, no matter how mature you are.
The person who ends up being the “third wheel” so to speak has always ended up developing feelings for the polyamorous man or woman. They end up wanting more, but of course, the relationship can’t advance further because there’s a roadblock in place due to the fact that there’s already a pre-existing primary relationship. Once this person’s feelings get too intense, the polyamorous person breaks it off with the third wheel, leaving him or her frustrated and heartbroken. A huge emotional fallout and a cluster eff of an experience.
I guess I wouldn’t say that it can’t work out. I mean, whatever floats your boner. But in practice it always seems to be a mess. Feelings and egos get in the way. With some things in life, you just can’t have your cake and eat it too.
BC 12
LOL! I love your quote “show me a man who is only attracted to his wife, and I’ll show you a liar”…it works both ways, Evan…married women or women in LTRs are also attracted to other men. I don’t know about the whole polyamory thing…I may occasionally think nostalgically about an old ex boyfriend or two or definitely find other guys attractive, but it just seems like human decency to not instigate (or welcome) the advaces of another if you are serious about your primary relationshio with your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend…I believe there are VERY few people for whom this polyamory stuff would work in reality.
JoAnn 13
In general, I think it does not work out because of the eventual emotional conflicts that come up, as enumerated in the other responses. I’ve known friends that have tried various multi-partner relationships, and the fun seems to always fizzle, leaving a sad loneliness.
That said, now that I’m 70 and the m/f ratios are astonishingly out of balance, I can see the appeal – especially when one is past child rearing. I’ve heard that a lot of this goes on sub rosa in senior living residences — thank heavens for Viagra! — but that may just be hearsay.
Lynn 14
The good thing about the concept of “polyamory” becoming mainstream is that people who identify with and choose this style of life are owning it. A man once told me (on a third date +/_) that he considered himself polyamorous, and while he wanted to continue dating me and get intimate, he did not foresee himself changing his lifestyle. Better to know this up front, especially if you are “monoamorous”, than to date someone who had every intention of “playing the field” and find out after the falling in love part.
Ria 15
l might be wrong, so its just my thinking,but its good in theory, but in practice, might not be as expected. Just ask Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher
Steve 16
I read “Sex At Dawn” too. I found it compelling, though I am not educated in the areas discussed in the book and I have no way of knowing how solid the points the authors made are.
Based on some small encounters with polyamorous people, I don’t think they have anything going on better than the rest of us. They don’t have less drama and they don’t have less of a need to continuously work on their relationships.
I think what most people don’t want to admit, if they think about these things at all, is that our biological natures are not predisposed toward making us happy. There is going to be conflict no matter what. The best we can hope for is a better “emotional education” and eventually a more flexible culture to fit our natures better and make the inevitable sorrow/conflict built into being alive easier to handle.
Saint Stephen 17
Polyamory gives a woman a greater variety of available sexual partners to choose from than their male partner.
It is also usually much easier for women to find available and willing male partners/participants than it is for men to find females of the same persuasion. The very basic issue of numbers gives the women proportionally more power than men. Thus the “numbers game” can create an unhealthy sexual dynamics and brew resentment overtime.
Goldie 18
Apparently, Steve Pavlina and his wife were big proponents of polyamory, and tried practicing it. Recently, they broke up. Separation, divorce proceedings, custody arrangements, the whole nine yards. They’re very amicable still. Now this is something I’d never say on Steve’s forum, but, if they are both so big on polyamory, then why the breakup? couldn’t they just stay together and keep seeing other people? To me, their story is an illustration of polyamory not working in a real world with real people, even when they’re highly intelligent people and are hellbent on making it work. I guess polyamory might be more than our human nature can handle. It’s all good in theory, but imagine sharing your spouse with another person in real life.
sharon 19
@ Stephen
Except that once the man finds a woman willing to have sex with him she will probably want a relationship with him. Which than means the woman in the primary relationship has more access to sex and the man has more access for emotional relationship.
It’s just too damn complicated for me.
sofka 20
No one has yet mentioned what I see as being the main problem with monogamy; this being that even when a union is as successful as it can possibly be (it is happy, loving, fulfilling and lasts until “death do us part”), one person is inevitably left completely alone at the end of it; left alone to contemplate and deal with a devastating and unbearable bereavement knowing that they may never again be held, or comforted while they cry, by a lover and an equal. If you have only built one intense romantic and sexual relationship in your life then there’s a 50% chance (probably higher if you’re a woman given women live longer and also tend to be the younger member of a couple) that you’ll end up with nothing other than memories in the final part of your life, the part in which you probably most desperately need companionship, affection and physical tenderness.
It always astounds me to hear about people going on about wanting to find their soulmate so they don’t die alone, but if you’ve chosen to have a single romantic relationship then chances are you will anyway. When you’re alone in your old age because your spouse is dead will you feel any less lonely than all the people who never found anyone?
If you have built up a number of genuine emotional connections with people you have had a physical relationship with on some level though, it’s unlikely you will outlive all of them. I feel this would stand you in better stead for the future, as we all need love and physical affection until the day we die, not until the day our only partner dies.
All this is theoretical however, I am currently pursuing a monogamous relationship, although I sometimes think there are better models of how society should function. I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve had several friends with benefits at a time (as did these men), and there were no jealousy issues. It actually worked remarkably well.
Craig 21
This would surely only end badly for couples. I can see jealousy, one side or even both sides of the relationship feeling that they are missing something if they decided not to participate in it anymore. I feel it takes away the value of a committed relationship.
chelsey king 22
I think the only good thing about ” POLYAMORY” is you can seek for new friends or partner and maybe eventually find the one you really love.
The concept of ” POLYAMORY” is basically focus on the variety of sexual partner without “LOVE”.
Maia 23
Oh God. I try to figure out sometimes if this is the “right”, the “enlightened” kind of love – to let your partner be with whomever he wants and be cool about it and then I understand it could hardly ever work out for me. That is, I believe, because i’m too emotionally invested in my relationships with people in general and that’s why I only have a few close friends. Maybe it’s all about the insecurity issues I’ll never get rid of. Maybe it’s because i’ve been a girlfriend of a man who never stopped sleeping around and i felt deprived of his attention. Maybe, even at 24, i’m a horrible moralist.
But one thing I know for sure: the examples Ms Kendra sites are totally invalid. People are not cupcakes. People are not sport hobbies. You can’t juggle them since they are HUMANS.
morgan 24
I was pretty sold by the thesis Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jetha present in Sex at Dawn.
It just seems to make more sense than the biological imperative argument of traditional evolutionary theories. It explains why so many people have sexual attraction to their own gender, why so many struggle to remain monogamous.
Personally I don’t know how well I’d deal with a polyamorous relationship, but that’s got more to do with my own insecurities than anything else.
Steve 25
@ Saint Stephen #17
How do you figure those things?
My ancedotal experience with poly people has been limited to a few “couples”. Aside from a few lesbian couples, it has usually been a situation with a _slightly_ below average looking head strong, intelligent woman and a wimpy, shy, low self confidence guy as the primary who isn’t 100% happy with the deal but tolerates it.
Steve 26
@Goldie #18.
Interesting post. I last read Pavlina’s blog/forum years ago. He was just beginning to write about polyamory then. I remember having the thought “yah, I wonder how his wife feels about it”.
I’m guessing that the same rules that apply to a FWB relationship also apply to a poly relationship. Everyone involved has to have good confidence, good self acceptance and be actively getting their own dates for the relationship to thrive.
I would also guess that such a relationship would be less likely to thrive if an existing LTR is converted to it instead of things being poly from the get go.
Erinlee 27
I’ve never known a couple that was Polyamorous and seemed happier than any other couple with more traditional values. I suppose though, that the majority of couples that participate in this type of behavior, don’t go around telling people about it. Personally, I know this would not work for me. Yes, I understand that both men and women are not going to stop being attracted to other members of the opposite sex just because they are in a committed relationship. Admiring the opposite sex and acting on a sexual desire with someone outside your relationship are two completely different things. I agree with Tara #9, that it’s best to bring home that flirtatious nature to your partner. It is very nice to be admired by the opposite sex but I would never want to act on it. Part of what makes me feel sexy and wanted is knowing that I’m just for him and he’s just for me, no sharing here. It’s not a lack of attraction for other men, it’s how being close with this one man is so much more important.
Sofka #20 I can see what you mean but I would not give up a loving relationship with one for many. My answer is yes, it is worth it to love one person dearly for a lifetime, and go through the pain of losing them than having never loved at all.
Ruby 28
As Morgan (#24) said, “Personally I don’t know how well I’d deal with a polyamorous relationship, but that’s got more to do with my own insecurities than anything else.”
Well, Morgan and just about everyone else, right?
If polyamory worked, don’t you think we’d all be out there doing it? It’s one of those “sounds good in theory, not so good in practice” ideologies.
funny 29
It’s funny how many people claim that polyamory doesn’t work even though marriage has a 50% divorce rate, not to mention how many non-married monogamous relationships fail. Clearly, statistically, monogamy doesn’t work. Could polyamory be any worse?
At the end of the day, any type of relationship takes work, acceptance, and compromise, yet offers rich rewards. Just pick your poison according to which trade-offs you are willing to make.
If you really want a life that’s drama-free, conflict-free, and goes exactly your way, then stay single and out of amorous relationships. Simple.
Ria 30
as l said…:)
Stacey 31
These comments are all very interesting and I am happy to see so much discussion on the topic. I am sad to hear that most people’s exposure to Polyamory has not been very positive. I personally know Kendra Holliday and I can say that her relationship with her partner is considerably better than most people that I know. I am personally polyamorous and have practiced the lifestyle for the past 16 years. Here are a few additional thoughts on the topic from the other side of the aisle. :)
1.) To me, Polyamory does not mean getting to have sex with other people that I am attracted to. It means not being restricted in the connections that I have with other people, even though I am in a stable and loving relationship with a primary partner. I deeply love the individuals that I have a close bond and sexual relationship with, but sex is not the main draw for me in those relationship (though it IS important to me). I could see myself happily being in a monogamous relationship with each of the people that I love, but long-term, I don’t think that would make me happy. My primary partner fulfills me on all levels, but having other close and sexual relationships in my life helps me value all that he even more, while also adding some additional connections that enrich my life. I joked with him just yesterday that I feel like I don’t have to make tradeoff with him, like I would if I was monogamous. For us, it is easy and we are immensely close. I realize it is not easy for everyone though.
2.) Giving examples of couples who are polyamorous and have broken up does not mean that polyamory is unnatural, too hard or not as good as monogamy. The vast majority of monogamous relationships fail too. It has to do with the people involved, not the practice…. and just being human being that evolve, change and grow. That is not something that for us to bemoan… it is something positive. The more we learn to live in the moment and to still invest in what matters to us, the less the fear of losing something will haunt us. I love my primary partner truly, madly and deeply. I also know that at some point there is the possibility that we will grow apart and/or not want to be in a sexual relationship anymore. It is hard for me to fathom at the moment, but I know that it is possible. I don’t dwell on that though. Forever is not as important as living a healthy and happy life right now and becoming a better and happier person.
3.) I have moments of jealousy, but talking to my partners about it makes me feel closer to them, not the other way around. It is not a problem for me, even though I might sometimes feel jealousy. I do admit to probably feeling it less than some other people though. The reason why is that jealousy stems from the fear of loss. Losing affection, losing your lover or losing something else. I choose instead to be happy for my lovers in that they feel and experience love and other experiences outside of me (this did however take time, practice and confidence in myself)… but I also feel so confident in my connection with them, that I don’t fear the introduction of a new person in their life will make them feel or experience less with me.
I am a happy, healthy person who polyamory works for. I have stable, loving relationships with multiple people. I don’t think that polyamory should be prescriptive, but it works really well for me and so it is how I choose to live my life. Humans are capable of loving more than one person in a healthy and positive way and benefits everyone. Oh, and I have had 3 different primary partners over 16 years. I again, don’t see that as a ‘failure’ of polyamory. I prefer long-term connections and love that deepens over time, but I also recognize that what I need now is different than what I needed a decade ago. Hope this helps some people see polyamory in a different way.
Tara 32
@29 funny
“If you really want a life that’s drama-free, conflict-free, and goes exactly your way, then stay single and out of amorous relationships. Simple.”
Since when does staying single and out of love relationships guarantee drama-free, conflict free life with everything going exactly your way?
It’s a choice to minimize drama and conflict whether in or outside of relationship.
Many ‘love’ relationships, from the starting gate, are based on one or both partners’ dishonesty and mutual convenience for getting certain needs met, not to really LOVE another person. That is the bigger problem in those relationships that is at the root of disharmony, like “If your needs are coinciding with my needs, ensuring that my needs keep getting met, and I’ll even lie and play games to keep getting those needs met, then we’re good to go. If you call me on my shit, I’m outta there.” No wonder they can’t sustain, the relationship was inherently dishonest and based on false pretenses.
Not to say they are ‘bad’ people, because a lot of this can be largely subconscious.
Me, I’m aiming for a higher love, one where monogamy, polyamory are non-issues. It involves a lot of sacrifice and inner work, but to me, it is worth it.
Steve 33
It seems to me, in general, that men are more threatened with their women getting sexual with someone else and that women are more threatened by their men getting emotionally intimate with someone else. I wonder how those things play out in a polyamorous relationship and/or simple swinging.
Janice 34
I don’t understand how this is different from dating more than one person at a time and being honest about it, or having an open marriage, or just not committing to one person, however it plays out.
AQ 35
To me, this would be okay if HIV/AIDS and herpes did not exist. Also, the challenge is to have a wonderful longterm relationship. I can’t imagine this would bring more happiness in the end. Which of these partners is going to go to the hospital with you or help you bury your relatives and do the hard things? I want one forever person who I can build a whole world with.
Saint Stephen 36
AQ Said:
Which of these partners is going to go to the hospital with you or help you bury your relatives and do the hard things?
Your primary partner.
Matthew AC 37
Hello Everyone!! This is an interesting discussion. There are some very valid points, alongside some very in-valid ones (which is what a great discussion is all about, right?) Rather than try to retort to them all in a long comment that would be better suited as a blog post, I’ll throw this thought in for the chewing:
There are many different types of relationships out there. However, there is only one thing that makes any of them successful…Mutual Respect. Mutual Respect is a large achievement, takes work and is relatively rare, but without it…failure is inevitable.
Mr. Katz- Great article!!
Kendra Holliday 38
Full disclosure: “Matthew AC” who commented above is my primary partner. I’m the woman who wrote the original article Mr. Katz so kindly featured. I’m hugely honored anytime my message travels beyond the congregation, so thank you for that. I, too, highly recommend the book Sex at Dawn.
I’m excited to see all these comments, as it lends me insight into what others are thinking about outside my cozy polyamorous world. From the looks of the comments, it can be harsh and ignorant out there! Clearly the thoughts I shared in my article fell on insecure ears. (Note: the words “ignorant” and “insecure” carry negative connotations, but I don’t mean them in that way. Please see the dictionary for an unbiased definition.)
I feel so respected and secure in my relationship, I can celebrate my partner’s desire to be with other women, which is a passion we both share – I desire women as well. It’s clear most people do, or why else would the female image be obsessively used in the media?
I also desire emotionally mature men on occasion (few men in our society have a chance to fully mature – they are still boys in adult bodies doing the best they can) and I’m grateful my partner doesn’t hold me to a different standard. I get to be with the men of my choosing, on my own terms.
If our relationship continues to evolve the way it has the past few years, he will most certainly be at my death bed (I am older!) giving succor to me in my end of life stage.
But in the meantime, we are living life spectacularly. Next month we’re going to our annual cabin retreat in the woods, where we get to immerse ourselves in each other, surrounded by a hot tub, fireplace, and good food and drink.
Then New Year’s Weekend we will celebrate in style with a dear girlfriend of ours who visits us every year to be part of a worship triangle. We will make many of our fantasies come true. Love will flow.
I’d like to close with this stunning fact – even thought I have been sexual with hundreds of people, I have never had a sexually transmitted infection. In my early sex career this can be chalked up to luck, but for the past ten years, I have made wise sex choices and practiced safer sex.
Thank you to everyone who has weighed in on this important topic.
REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.
Katherine 39
I have seen this kind of relationship first hand and if you can keep it just to sex than it can work, but feelings usually develop and then the couple gets freaked. In my opinion, maybe as a romantic, it turns a marriage into a business arrangement. I think this is one of the main reasons you need to feel white hot for your partner at least in the beginning stages of a relationship. Sure, lust fades a bit, sometimes more than a bit, but you can get it back if it once was there. Flirt with someone else, but then take it to the bedroom with your spouse. Get creative, go to unchartered territories, travel somewhere new–share a new experience together. Everyone fantasizes (usually) but committing to having sex with another person-giving your body to someone not your spouse-just cheapens the sex you have with your life partner. Sharing your life with someone, making those vows, means sharing all of yourself with them. Otherwise, just live together and don’t pretend you are interested in the marital commitment. Otherwise, in my opinion, you are married so you can better fit into society and get a tax break.
Tara 40
Matthew AC,
I like your comment very much
because you didn’t find it necessary to defend your lifestyle.
That’s very sexy. Hey, what are you doing later ?
Mutual respect…you got it…that’s what it’s all about.
Saint Stephen 41
@Sharon (#19)
What if the man just wants more access to sex void of emotional attachment? Is pretty clear that the woman will be the one getting more and more sex, while the man struggles and gets nothing (Except he’s a celebrity or she’s a bisexual who brings her friends home).
Suzanna 42
EMK, I am SO glad you are writing about this — I’ve been waiting for someone in the dating industry to bring this subject up! It feels like a bit of a minefield, so kudos for having the courage to “go there!”
But I do think it’s an important discussion and I’ve been doing a lot of reading about this topic because I’m considering opening up my coaching practice to polyamorous individuals as well as traditional singles. I really have a heart for people who are a bit contrarian when it comes to marriage and monogamy! LOL
Given how critical it is to have honest and sensitive communication if polyamory is going to succeed, I can see a real need for poly couples to seek out some coaching and guidance along the way!
Dana 43
I personaly do not believe that two consenting adults can love each other unconditionally while having sex with other people and still have wonderfull relationship while the exlusivity is kind of gone as I view sex as something special which I would do only with that one special person I love and who loves me. It would not work for me but maybe there are people out there who are ok with not having anything special together which they wouldn’t do with anyone else and give themselves freeley to other people. I was married to a man who tried (unsuccessfuly) to force me into that kind of life and I am very glad I am no longer with him as it is not for me. I don’t really understand how can people do that as (call me old fashioned) but I prefer monogamy and being faithful to each other.
justme 44
I know for me personally, the a polyamorous life style isn’t something I want. I choose other ways besides sex to show people my love – sex is something I share with only a significant other.
I don’t have an issue with others who practice polyamorous as long as everyone is ok with it
Soul 45
I find this topic interesting and I, like EMK, have always found that concept interesting.
I practice sth a little bit different with my significant other (although we have only experienced it very recently). We go together to see other women (in different countries) and I let him be sexual with them (one at a time or more, as he wishes). We have not done it very often, but I am fully open to the idea and so far, I have not felt any resentment (however, we have both agreed to stop if any of us does not feel like it anymore).
I believe some people (male or female) are intrinsically monogamous, while others are intrinsically polygamous. By nature and maybe also by culture.
I am a truly monogamous person. I am absolutely not attracted by the idea of having a man touching me without love. I have never been. I have never had a one night stand (i am 35, and mind you, I have been fully single for 5 years, without sex at all). I have never had sex with a man without an emotional commitment on both sides. I am not attracted to women either. However, I intellectually understand that my man IS A POLYGAMOUS INDIVIDUAL.
I don’t think I would be ready to accept that he cheats on me (I have ended my previous 4-year relationship for that reason); but I think what I dislike about cheating is more the lying and the deceiving part of it. I value integrity over everything in a person (male or female), and cheating/not keeping a moral commitment is one of my non-negotiable (although I know nobody is perfect and everybody can fail from time to time). I feel at peace with the idea of men (or women) being attracted to sexual diversity. Polyamorous is a different version that might not work for me (because my feelings will get hurt if my man has a strong emotional bond with another female/sexual partner), but I understand why it works for some people and why this is an appealing concept.
NonExist 46
I can roll with monogamy or polyamory.
As long as we are both honest in what is going on and options are the same for both of us.
If my ex wife told me openly that she wanted to see other men instead of going behind my back I may have agreed with it if she agreed that I would also not be restricted in seeing only her.
Just all about being honest, direct, and having mutual respect.