But reading some of the ladies comments makes me rather hesitant to continue dating.

And knowing I’m not the top percentile guy I’d really feel bad knowing someone just settled for me….just because I was a stable choice and yet she did not find me particularly sexually or physically appealing….. yet some have and have not told their mates. 

Makes me rethink why my ex wife did what she did. I kind of felt it but it would have been easier to take if she told me and would have not wasted time for either of us.

And even girlfriends in the past.

lolz…nuts

As far as changing the way that I talk to my partner about sex … no, I don’t think it is necessary.

“I must respectfully ask, where does the commitment come from?”

It comes from a choice. 

I never said anything about someone “earning” my love or doing what I want them to do in order for me to love them.

Margo,

“IMHO commitment is not going to keep a marriage together without unconditional love. People break commitments all the time.  Just check out the current divorce rate.”

As I said, commitment is a choice. People stop loving each other every day too resulting in divorce.

When people go through very dark times when they don’t feel love for their partner, when they don’t even like them, it’s the commitment that keeps them there working through it when they are feeling anything but love.

Example: I watched a friend’s marriage crumble because her husband had a long term affair and the affair woman had his child. She wasn’t sure she loved her husband anymore. The pain, betrayal, disrespect and devistation took her over. Yet, she made a commitment to him that she wanted to honor. It took years for her to fully re-discover the love she once felt for him. She wasnt’ sure she ever would. It was her commitment that made her stay when she didn’t FEEL unconditional love. In fact, she felt homocidal for quite some time.

An extreme example but nontheless big problems or small, feelings can be deceiving and tricky. You can choose to stay with someone and work out any number of painful things if you commit to do so when you can’t even find the love.

I personally identify more with my commitment and desire for the survival of the relationship during those times to push to the other side.

But I wouldn’t choose to marry someone that I didn’t love first anyway so it’s not like I’m choosing one over the other. I want both.

I must respectfully ask, where does the commitment come from? When that person isn’t doing what you want them to do or “earning” your love?  It might take years to transition from pure “eros” to a mix of eros, agape, etc. but its part of the equation.  When a spouse treats the other spouse unselfishly and puts the other spouse first, that is unconditional love, unless there are other motives driving that.

So, if a man doesn’t love you, I don’t see him sticking around. If he does stick around, without that unconditional love, I believe he’ll be much more prone to having one or more affairs during the marriage. Ouch!

“So, unconditional love not being part of eros love, what keeps you in a relationship on those days when you don’t feel passionate about that person and really don’t even like them very much?”

Commitment does. AND the underlying reasons for why I chose my partner to begin with: love, friendship, passion, respect, acceptance…

I know one does not *feel* passion every day, but if it’s never there to begin with, I don’t see the arrangement Sarah is considering lasting. Just my opinion. I don’t think she or her man would be wrong for creating such a union, but deep down, I’m sure they both want passion and to be “in love” with their partner and I fear that it wouldn’t stand the long term. Once the wedding cake is eaten and the day to day business of marriage is underway, I predict that they’d start focusing on what they are missing.

It’s a risk that she seems to be eyes-wide-open to because she fears what she really wants will never come. I think once she HAS the settled-for marriage, her human nature of pining for what she really wants will take over. I’m concerned for both of them and the potential children in this scenario. But if they are both 100% on board with settling and have given up the dream of the *right* one, hey, they’re grown adults, go for it.

“You’d better hope there’s unconditional love in there or you may find yourself alone when someone isn’t really feeling it for you a few years into the relationship.”

Again, I’d say commitment is more important than unconditional love. Commitment will see you through when you may not *feel* very loving. It’s a choice and an action to commit to honor, respect and be there for your partner and not bail because you had a bad day.