Jon: go ahead! But do consider expanding your social circle so you can meet more women who might share similar values.

Haven’t read anything by Harville Hendrix, but I might have to put one of his books on my reading list. Ditto with Cinderella Was a Liar .

Thanks for the comments about my relationship. Interesting that I’m dealing with this question since I’ve been such a fan of First Comes Marriage and yet if I really believed totally in all of the concepts, I probably wouldn’t be feeling this conundrum so much.

I don’t know if you’ve read anything by Harville Hendrix- you might like him- his writing is EXTREMELY dense though, so you need a lot of concentration and solitude to get through his books. I can’t remember if his are the books where I found this, but what you’re talking about seems to be the dilemma between romantic and companionate love. Most couples want the first to last forever, but the reality is that a relationships tend to ebb and flow between the two. In american society, particularly mid-20th century onwards, the problem is that fizzled romance has led to high rates of divorce.

I think fireworks are definitely great to experience, obviously, but I also think you’re blessed if you’ve found someone who seems like long-term companion material. But this is only going by your one description- and I’ve never met you and your boyfriend, so I have little basis to judge. Still, just my 2 cents.

PS- Talking about romantic novels’ influences- you’ve got to read “Cinderella Was A Liar.” The title says it all. lol

Sayanta
Thanks for the compliment. I love your posts too!

In terms of your question, I don’t mind answering it. I do have a boyfriend who is sweet, thoughful, intelligent, fun, shares my core values, and accepts me just as I am. All very good things. I also know he’s thinking about me for the long-term. Since I know where his thought process is I’m trying to figure out how I feel about a long-term future for us. The only thing missing for me is the explosive fireworks/infatuation thing (I’m not talking about the physical aspect of the relationship as I enjoy that very much). But I don’t know how much of that fireworks/infatuation/chemistry thing is necessary for a long-term relationship. I guess I’m a victim of too many romantic comedies and novels, in a way. So part of my stats quest has been to figure out how likely I am to run across as guy who is as wonderful as my current boyfriend, and then think about how likely it is that we’ll have this amazing chemistry. And at the same time I’m trying to figure out if I’m being a fairy tale princess wannabe with my fireworks wish, or if that’s something that I realistically should have with the person I marry. Guess it was a pretty personal question after all!

I prefer Karl, but I add the initial on forums to minimize confusion if another Karl happens to show up.

The following link might be useful to you. It discusses how many people attend church regularly, how many lie about it in phone polls, and some related information.
http://www.religioustolerance.org/rel_rate.htm

I want to say that I love your posts, but I was just curious about something- if it’s too personal, you don’t have to answer. If you have a boyfriend, how come you’re still thinking about stats on finding your dream man?

Thanks for double-checking my numbers. In using the 76% number that’s just those that self-identify that way. I realize that number includes those who only go to church on Easter and Christmas Eve, or those whose views are so judgmental that it gives me chest pains. But then there are those who don’t identify themselves as Christian but live their lives in what I consider to be a “Christian” manner, and are often willing to have children raised as Christians.

I met my current boyfriend on Match and he checked the box for spiritual but not religious. But on the religion section he said he was a Christian but felt it was a personal thing between each individual and God and not something that he generally discussed much. He’s gone to church with me several times and is willing to continue to do that and raise our kids as Christians (assuming we get that far). That’s more important to me than the Christian label. So I kept the 76% number thinking that the non-labeled folks I add in would roughly equal the number of labeled ones that I throw out.

P.S. Can I call you Karl or do you prefer Karl R?

Wow. I don’t even know how to respond to that because my mind doesn’t even WORK that way- but I’ll try.

ok…where to start.

First of all, you use pretty intense words- “…whom you were interested in, whom you wanted to be with…” I’d have to get to know a guy pretty well to have those feelings- and if I’ve gotten to know him that well and he’s been hiding the fact that he’s taken (your post seems to imply that a surprise factor is involved), I’d write him off as ‘good riddance.’ Hell yeah, I’d be upset, but I figured I’m better off not having a person like that in my life.

As for your last question, “Would you not feel any resentment…to show him that you are as good as he is?”

Um, maybe when I was 18 years old. Are you under 21? If so, perhaps you have an excuse for this obsessive ‘measuring up’ factor. I’m 30 now, and I really don’t live my life obsessing over what other people think of me.

Your math is accurate. About the only premise I’d debate would be the “Christian” label. If you’re counting 76% of the population, you’re counting people like Fred Phelps who spout hate and call it Christianity. You’re also counting people who call themselves Christian, but never read a bible, pray or attend a church (except for weddings and funerals). Unless it’s just the label that’s important (regardless of how the person acts), then the 76% is overstated.

Another possibility to consider is that some traits aren’t evenly distributed. For example, I like women who are very intelligent (maybe 10%) who have a sense of humor that “clicks” with mine (a little less than 10%). In my case, the second group is a subset of the first.

Furthermore, I can deliberately seek out groups where half the women are very intelligent. In those situations, it’s the percentage of the group that matters, not the percentage of the total population.

Michael said (#154) to Sayanta: (#149)
“What if you found out that a man whom you were interested in, whom you wanted to be with, either has a girlfriend or is married while you have no one? Would you not feel any resentment, any desire to find a boyfriend just so you can show him that you are just as good as he is?”

Why would I need to show that person that I’m as good as them?

That person is in a relationship, so I’m not about to start dating them (a situation in which their opinion of me might actually matter).

It sounds like you’re basing your self worth on others’ opinion of you. You really need to work on your self-esteem / self-confidence to where you no longer do that. Not only will you be happier in general, you’ll also stand a better chance of attracting someone.