Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. (I did see, and really appreciated, your post dedicated to the plight of pretty girls!) My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong.

After about 4 dates (each time he’d follow up right away to tell me he had fun and wanted to see me soon), I spent a lot of time with this new guy one weekend and he introduced me to all his friends, who were very welcoming. The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him truthfully that I really liked him, and that I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too. He said he understood, but didn’t say anything more just cuddled with me. We fell asleep together, then spent the next morning out for brunch and wandering around the local farmer’s market (his ideas). He seemed that day to be truly enjoying my company. But since then, he never called me again.

I accept that he’s no longer interested, and I’m prepared to be realistic and move on from this particular guy. I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. You have said in your posts that sometimes you have to take a leap, but it can’t possibly be true that I have to “leap” and have sex with someone who’s just not quite willing to commit *yet* and then wait for him to decide that he’s willing to admit that he has feelings for me a few months later. Maybe in this case he really is seeing other people, but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.

I think I must be doing something wrong, but I just refuse to accept that not having sex until he commits to me is the wrong decision. How many times do I have to go through this painful process before a guy (and a guy that I’m into) will be so crazy about me that he just says, okay, whatever you need – time, commitment, you’ve got it! I guess what I’m really asking for is some reassurance that a hot girl can hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her.

Thanks in advance for helping a girl out,

Colette

Dear Colette,

Guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex”? Yes.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex and still hope to find a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” Yes.

Can a hot girl hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” No. Holding out on sex will inherently lower your chances of finding a guy.

Why? Because guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

In fact, I want to laud you for waiting for a commitment before sex. If more women did that, there would be a lot less post-coital heartbreak. Alas, there would be a lot more of the pre-coital disappointment you’ve described above.

Choose your poison.

You feel “fairly confident” that he would have called you again after sex. What about all the other women who felt the same way and got burned? Clearly, you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

So what’s a girl to do?…

Well, if you follow my advice – and, by refusing sex before a commitment, you have been – you get to see a man’s true stripes. If he steps up and commits to you, you have an answer. If he bails on you, you have an answer.

The only thing you can do differently is consider HOW you’re refusing to have sex. From your story, it sounded like you approached it in a healthy, adult fashion. But I wasn’t there. You may have felt that you were just speaking your mind and explaining your deep-seated reasons and ethics. Maybe all he heard was, “No. I don’t find you attractive.”

The disconnect between what we mean and what other people hear is at the heart of many relationship issues. Which is why it’s always valuable to step into the shoes of your partner – to attempt to see things through his eyes.

One thing that most women don’t know about men – in fact, one thing that MEN don’t even know about themselves – is that we are like sharks. We always need to be moving forward and making progress. If we’re not, we might as well be dead.

Consider a man who writes to you on Match.com. “You look hot. I want to meet. Here’s my number.”

An inartful come-on line, to say the least. But it’s how you deal with it that determines whether he sticks around for more. If you tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable talking to strangers on the phone. Why don’t you email me more about yourself?” you can pretty much say goodbye. It’s not that your desire to get to know him better was wrong. It’s that you told him “No! Your way is wrong. My way is right. Follow my rules.”

We want to make progress in the bedroom…to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY.

A better way to approach this would be to be playful. “You’re right. I am hot. :-) But you know that good girls like me don’t call boys like you first. So, before we go any further, why don’t you tell me about the first time you…visited Europe . And don’t leave out any details. Inquiring minds want to know. Talk to you soon, sweetie!”

See the difference? One is terse and negative. The other is playful and encouraging. Playing a little hard to get – while still remaining completely available – raises your value. It makes him want to chase. It makes the process of getting to know you fun. And, most of all, it doesn’t tell him NO. It tells him, LATER. All he has to do is follow your directions and he’ll get what he wants.

Your job is to make your directions fun for him to follow.

Similarly, men want to feel we’re making progress in the bedroom. It’s not that we need to sleep with you on Date 1 or 2 or 3. It’s that we want to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY. How you handle us in this delicate arena is a big factor in whether we choose to come back for more.

Put it this way: if I go out with a woman and kiss her on Date 1, that’s great. If I go out with her, and can’t do any more than kiss her on Date 2, I might get a little frustrated. If I go out with her and get stuck in the kissing zone on Date 3, I’m pretty sure that that will be the last date. I know. It sounds awful. But I can’t be the only guy who works this way.

A woman is not wrong for keeping her shirt on. But her refusal to make any sexual progress unintentionally makes a guy feel rejected, and most guys aren’t going to like it. I’m pretty sure it’s why they invented “bases” in high school. We don’t need to go all the way, but getting to second and having a view of third shouldn’t be out of the question. Regardless of whether you agree with me, for most confident, sexy, 35-year-old men, staying on “first” for a month is not a viable option.

So without getting all sordid, Colette, ask yourself how you made your partner feel on this fourth date. Was it all about you? Your morals, your desires, your past heartbreak? Or did you consider that he might like you – and that it’s hard for him stick with a woman who doesn’t make him feel attractive or desired?

I don’t know him. Maybe he was just a run of the mill player.

I don’t know you. Maybe you did all the right things.

But just because a man’s desires run counter to yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It means you have to find a way to let him know that, with proper communication, you can BOTH get what you want.

This, by the way, is the key to ALL dating and relating – understanding the opposite sex and finding a path that keeps both man and woman satisfied.

To learn how to get your needs met, while still keeping a man satisfied, check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. In a few hours, you will learn the secret to attracting the best men online and screening them, using my “The 2/2/2” rule, to ensure the highest quality first dates.

In three months, you will view dating and men in an entirely new way. And that’s a good thing!

Click here to learn more.

Much love,

Your friend,

Evan

29
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Comments:

  1. 91
    Shawna

    Wow — reading this has been very interesting — many different takes on it. I think a point of confusion is how Colette stated she wanted a commitment before sex. We don’t know what she said or did but I have found that making “I” statements is the only way to be clear enough to people, therefore I say that “I don’t do well with nsa sex, I get attached, it’s best for me to be more considerate of myself and not sleep with just anyone, therefore, I need to get to know you a little more before we have sex,” this doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways that I’m being clear that I like them and that we are moving forward in the relationship, it just clarifies that I need to be sure I know them well enough. And I’m not asking for “commitment,” I’m asking for time to get to know them. When I am ready to sleep with them, I make it clear that I don’t want to be one of many, but am in no way bargaining anything. This is to protect my feelings from getting hurt, not ensnaring a man to me.

    Second, it’s been discussed above that monogamy is the tradition, but really it isn’t. Our views on marriage and monogamy are new and actually very American — and as Americans, we are very Puritanical. In most other cultures, it has been traditional for people to marry not for love but for societal reasons, therefore each spouse had lovers and were discreet. It’s only in the last few hundred years, when marrying for love entered the picture, that we wanted our spouse (boyfriend, whatever) to be the ONE to fill all of our desires/wants/needs. It’s a tough row to hoe and it doesn’t seem to be working — esp not long term. Maybe our view that our significant other should satisfy our every dream and fanstasy, as well as cook, clean, be great in bed, and fiduciarily responsible, is naive and irresponsible. But society has set us up like that — as we watch Disney movies and learn to demand that we will fall in love with Mr. Perfect and *want* him for the rest of our long lives.

  2. 92
    cinnamon

    Tyler,
    “The way I see it is that women who don’t put some kind of condition on sex ie. you must like me, you must commit to me, you must marry me, etc. are often labeled sluts or told they have low self-esteem why else would they have sex without getting something that other women value (ie commit, love, etc.) in return. For women, the pleasure of sex doesn’t seem to be enough.”

    Personally, I’ve never noticed such distinction between women. I have however noticed a distintion between people (men and women alike) who do believe that love and sex go hand in hand, and people who believe that love and sex are two separate things and can be realised in two different contexts.
    I would hypothesize that women who sleep with men who, as you say, do not like them, do not love them and are not comitted to them, are often described as having low self-esteem not because they do not get anything in return, but because the men they sleep with refer to them with no respect and they are fine with it (see Lance’s “Sluts? I love em!!”, or “test-drive” as a description of sex indicating that the woman is being tested like a product).

  3. 93
    cinnamon

    and again re: #89
    Another idea that quite surprises me is your perception that women who fancy nsa sex do it out of generosity and because they enjoy sex, while women who prefer to have sex with partners who like or love them do it “against payment” (i.e. in return for love or commitment). You might find it unbelievable, but there are people who actually enjoy sex with partners who care for them and they do it for the sake of pleasure.

  4. 94
    JuJu

    cinnamon,

    it’s called straw man argumentation, what you are doing.

  5. 95
    cinnamon

    Juju,
    You’re welcome to correct my understanding of the arguments which I referred to if you belive I have misstated them.

  6. 96
    Anonymous

    @ Vino #61
    You make her sound so domineering for not wanting to have sex without commitment. As a woman, I tend to view the situation a little bit differently. I’m also a woman who does not have sex unless I am in a committed relationship; however, I don’t view it is a bargaining chip- I think that’s how many men think we view it. When I refuse to have sex outside of a committed relationship, it’s not because I’m using ulterior motives to try and get the commitment so much as trying to protect myself from suffering emotional attachment that results from sleeping with someone when there are no grounds upon which to develop said attachment. Haven’t you heard a ton of guys bitch about women becoming too attached over sex when it was just sex? Well, not having sex outside of a committed relationship is our response to that little dilemma. I can only imagine that many women view this issue in the same way and are withholding sex as a means of protecting themselves emotionally, NOT as a means of snaring some guy into the trap you like to call relationships.

  7. 97
    Honey

    @Anonymous, #96–although that’s not how I operate, it’s well put and I think that many women (and men) feel that way. When you view it that way, it’s not a bargaining chip because you’re not saying, “If you say we’re in a committed relationship then I will have sex with you,” you’re saying, “once we BOTH feel that we are in a committed relationship then sex will happen naturally.” The sex is just being postponed until it’s clear that both people are on the same page–which is the only time sex should *ever* happen.

    If both people are on the same page and that page is “casual sex”–great. Have casual sex. Same with committment. It’s when the two people are on different pages that trouble ensues, and if the only page that is possible for you is being committed first, then you’re not trying to force anyone to make a committment they don’t want to make, you’re just letting them know what page you’re on.

    Personally, if I was opposed to casual sex and told a guy that I wanted to wait until we were in a committed relationship to have sex and the guy said, “all right then! Let’s do it!” then I’d have to not see that guy anymore, either, because it’d be all too clear what he was after.

  8. 98
    Tyler

    Cinnamon,

    I think that when people don’t see eye to eye on something, they tend to twist the interpretation of the opposing viewpoint to the extreme. I never, ever indicated that people in caring relationships don’t receive pleasure having sex. So, no, I don’t find it “unbelievable that there are people who actually enjoy sex with partners who care for them and they do it for the sake of pleasure.” All I was ever trying to question is why we have to be so harsh and judgmental on people — especially men — who want the pleasure of sex without the commitment.

  9. 99
    Colette

    Ok, let me fill in some more details of exactly what happened. I know I said there was probably no need for me to call him, but the truth is time passed and I still felt pretty hurt after a weekend that I had thought was special. Against my better judgment I broke down and emailed him, saying that I hoped there wasn’t some misunderstanding, that I liked him and had hoped to see more of him, but if he wanted to see other people I understood. He answered that he did want to see me again but he only wanted a casual relationship. It’s just never fun to hear someone tell you that they don’t like you quite as much as you like them. I took a deep breath, picked myself back up and decided to move on for the next, hopefully better, guy.

    Next extra bit of info: We met on eHarmony, and both of us had listed there that we can’t stand someone who has sex outside a committed relationship. I obviously make an effort to make this clear, because I’ve learned over time that many guys, even the nice ones, are willing to try to sleep with pretty girls without commitment. My experience compared to certain friends of mine suggests that few men would put on the same show to sleep with a not-so-hot girl that they don’t really have feelings for, but I’d be delighted to be proven wrong about this.

    In hindsight I don’t harbor any resentment about this guy because when it came time for him to decide whether he liked me that much, he respected the way that I wanted to be treated. I am even fine with the fact that we often don’t know whether we like a person enough to commit right at first. Maybe he thought it was worth finding out if I was the kind of girl he wanted to commit to, didn’t expect an eHarmony girl to be good looking and confident, and then switched gears when he realized I wasn’t his soulmate but it would be fun to give the bedroom the old college try. It just took me by surprise because I thought I had been so careful.

    I really don’t mind the fact that some people are happier with casual sex than others, as long as everyone is up front with each other and themselves. Many of the bloggers here seem hell-bent that either he (a representative of all men) or I (representing all women) did something wrong. I just don’t think that debate is useful. At this point I’m not going to change my mind about casual sex just because some guys want to keep the pool of easy women large. Can we all agree that it’s fine for everyone to want what they want as long as people are honest and no one gets hurt? I don’t see why my choices should be a problem for men who clearly want to date a different type of woman. I was just trying to get a realistic picture of how long it was going to take me to weed through all the casual dates before I could find what I’m looking for.

    1. 99.1
      Nissa

      Good to know. I’m glad you got your closure. Best of luck.

  10. 100
    Evan Marc Katz

    How long until you find what you’re looking for? It could be the next guy. It could be a guy in five years. There is no one-size-fits-all answer, but you deserve a lot of credit for asking the question.

    Thanks for submitting your personal story for dissection from our very informed and very opinionated readers.

    Best,

    Evan

  11. 101
    Glenda

    Colette-

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I too have been on eHarmony, and I have to correct your thinking in that it’s only the “hot” girls that the guys want to take to bed without a commitment. I’ve been on eHarmony twice in the last 9 months, and I feel like I’ve like met every guy imaginable except my soulmate–the lying cheat who just wanted sex, the “nice” guy with no chemistry and the Nigerian dating scammer (looong story there!!!). But the point of my post is that I’m a 45 year old divorcee with two kids and “curvy”, and yet I have no problem finding guys that want to have sex with OR without a commitment.

    I TOTALLY agree with your philosophy of waiting until you’re in a committed relationship for sex. However, you’re most recent post smacks of egotism, which I’m wondering that the guy you wrote about didn’t pick upon–ie–he was entitled to be in a relationship with you and even more so if you moved it to a more intimate level??? By stating that you’re “hot”, which other commenters have picked up on, and then saying in essence your “less hot friends wouldn’t have the options”, you’re transmitting an air of entitlement, which is a HUGE turn-off, no matter how “hot” you are.

  12. 102
    Anonymous

    @ Honey #97
    Yes, that is exactly what I meant. I wasn’t saying that all women are this way, but it is my submission to Vino that many of the women who are waiting to have sex until in a relationship are doing it for those reasons. You were also correct in what you said about not sleeping with the guy who says, “Ok, we’re committed then, let’s go have sex.” I would not sleep with that person either. I don’t necessarily define a committed relationship by words, so a verbal agreement on the part of the guy just to get in my pants won’t get him sex- what was that phrase, actions speak louder than words? Ahh yes, that’s it. To many people, unless the other person is a really, really, really good actor (which can happen), it will be pretty clear from the other person’s actions whether the relationship is there or not. In my opinion, the verbal agreement should be merely an acknowledgement of what already is. Basically, I just wanted to say to Honey that that was a pretty good interpretation of what I was trying to convey. I also wanted to elaborate a bit lest Vino poke holes in my argument because he thought I was saying that sex would happen immediately upon verbal acknowledgement of commitment, which as Honey said, was not the case. Also, my telling a guy this would be me being up front with him about where I stand, not my telling him that he must commit to me and play by my rules. Someone should not be forced to have sex with someone else when they’re not ready just so that the other person doesn’t accuse them of playing games and demanding that they get their way. Any person who has enough respect for themselves to wait until they are ready (whether that be on the first date or after 10,000 dates) is NOT a domineering bitch for having this self respect, and I think that’s the bottom line.

  13. 103
    vino

    Anon’s #96

    “I don’t view it is a bargaining chip . . . many women view this issue in the same way and are withholding sex as a means of protecting themselves emotionally, NOT as a means of snaring some guy into the trap you like to call relationships.”

    – So it’s about CONTROL? I feel so much better now. The ‘snaring’ is just a bonus? And it still is a barter, even if *you* don’t want to look at it that way. I notice there’s nothing in similar posts about his feelings or how it may deepen intimacy for HIM and HER. Just ‘my way or highway.’

    Sorry, but I see Collette’s posts as full of anger as pointed out before…. her #99 is the classic example of double-speak…

    Para 1 – “. . . and decided to move on for the next, hopefully better, guy.”

    Para 3 – “In hindsight I don’t harbor any resentment about this guy . . .”

    You gotta be kidding me. I come back to the original letter…

    “I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious.”

    What’s the common denominator here to all of hr dates?

  14. 104
    cinnamon

    Tyler,
    You may be right, I might still be affected by one of the previous threads where opinions that “sex is best with bitches” were put forward.
    But I do read your post as indicating that women who prefer sex within a committed relationship do it IN ORDER to get love or committment in return.
    Personally, while I was more judgmental about casual sex when I was younger, I’ve arrived to the point that I really don’t mind whathever kind of casual sex anyone prefers, as long as they do not try to realise it with me.
    What makes me angry is not whether or not the guy only wanted a casual relationship, but it’s the fact that Colette has been depicted by some posters as a calculated manipulator.
    I also believe that while it is awkward to really discuss future only on the 4th date, if you find out you’re not at the same page you owe the person whose life you choose to disappear from at least a word of explanation.

  15. 105
    Evan Marc Katz

    Vino-

    She’s a bright attractive woman who didn’t want to sleep with non-committal guy.

    Give it a rest.

    Evan

  16. 106
    cinnamon

    Vino,
    I’m not saying this in anger or with sarcasm. Protecting your emotional boundaries is not equal with wishing to control the other person. This is exactly the difference between an emotionally healthy person and a controlling one.
    As I understand it, a controlling person is someone who cannot see their emotional boundaries and therefore they try to steer more than they in reality can.

  17. 107
    Jonsi

    I’ve dated women who have busted out the “I need things to go slow” line; 50% of the time that means they aren’t really interested. Whenever I hear that, regarding sex or the dating relationship, I back off slightly. Usually it leads to the disintegration of the “relationship.” Once, after that line, we went out and she hardly spoke to me at dinner, claiming she didn’t feel well. I placed my bet on her not being interested. I waited several days to call, she seemed distant, so I never called again. Then, I ran into her a couple months later, and she was pissed at me for blowing her off and not calling, wondering what had happened. What happened was she wanted to slow down, I did, and then she didn’t express interest. I wanted to be shown “I am in to you, dude.” I was completely shocked that she felt I was the douche for not calling anymore.

    For the original poster, In this case, the best thing to do is own your half. Call a day or two later and ask “what’s up.” Any number of reasons could be why he flaked out — only wanting sex being a probable one — but not the only one. You will lose out on a few gems if you don’t take more risks, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find a shiny one in time who you wear well. But if things are progressing, but you then put on the brakes slightly, I think the onus is on you to follow up with the guy and demonstrate you are interested. “If he likes me, he’ll respect my decision and show me he is still interested.” Maybe. But when we are told to slow the pace down, sometimes we get confused. It’s great if you are assertive enough to ask for what you want; take it one step further and follow up with the guy yourself. Some of those who flake out probably are interested and are decent matches. Calling a month later is not advised, but 2-3 days is.

  18. 108
    mic

    It’s too bad that Colette’s update doesn’t explain what she means by “hot.” People lie all the time on dating sites (and elsewhere), and if (not likely) Colette resembles Pam Anderson, can you really blame a guy who pretends to be interested in a serious relationship when she seems to be pretending on that note also? (While the times are changing, many women still tend to claim to be more chaste than they truly are.) Also, the guys would pursue a “hot” woman are more likely to be the attractive, “confident” guys with an appetite for casual sex, and in many cases the cover hints at the book’s content, if one looks closely enough.

  19. 109
    Tyler

    I have one last thought for Collete that may be useful. For some people, the characteristic or trait that they themselves feel most defines who they are is the one that they use to explain many bad and good things that happen to them. For example, I had a friend on who was very overweight. She blamed many of her problems on her weight can’t get a boyfriend, can’t get a promotion, can’t do lots of other stuff. She lost a lot of weight, and guess what? She was no more successful at getting a boyfriend (at least not on the timeframe she expected) and no promotion. To be fair, she did gain the confidence to do some other things, but it really wasn’t the weight that prevented her, it was her fear of being ridiculed.

    So, how does this little tale apply to you? Perhaps your attractiveness and your desire for a committed relationship isn’t the issue. Perhaps the issue is how you make a man feel when you are with him. You want him to feel special just as you are special. You don’t want him to feel that you think he is lucky just to be with you. You don’t want a man to think wow, she’s hot, but she wants me to kiss her ass. Not many hot guys are going to sign you for that….cause they don’t have to. Instead when he thinks about you he should think wow, I feel great when I am with her. We are great together. And she is so hot. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. You in turn should feel the same way. If a man feels that way about you, you won’t have to ask him to commit. He’ll be asking you.

  20. 110
    hunter

    on post #107,

    How true, women like to be chased, some women like to be chased, even after they asked you to stay away.

    on post #108,

    You are right the definition of being “hot” varies, from one person to the next……

  21. 111
    Cute Redhead

    Re: post #110: No matter what you believe the woman “wants,” if she asks you to stay away, stay away. Otherwise it’s stalkerish. And even if she is crazy and gives out those dread mixed signals, take what she says on face value. That means that if someone says they are not interested, back away. And stay away. Many a time I’ve been in the situation where the guy says flat out that he doesn’t want a relationship. I stay and wait, and I’m a fool and he can play me however he wants to. But I back off and next thing I know he’s all over me — mostly wanting sex, of course. In the past I (foolishly) have taken this as an indication that he had come around and now wanted a relationship. Wrong! After a few hits of this kind of behavior I revised my way of doing things — now I believe a guy when he says flat out that he doesn’t want a relationship — but I don’t fall for any attempt to get “close” to me after that. I just move on. It does drive the pursuing-ambivalent guy a bit crazy and I have to deal with the mind f**k aspect of it for a little while and keep turning him away, but that’s better than being involved with someone who isn’t clear about what he wants. If you fall for this person’s shenanigans you have no defense when things get all whacky (as they will); they can always say “I TOLD you I didn’t want [a relationship, to sleep with you, etc.].”

  22. 112
    Selena

    I’ve dated quite a bit over, ahem, many years. Many times a guy would come on like he was very into me and I would in short order discover he was either playing the field, or had chosen someone else he was dating over me. Since I had a tendency to get into sex fairly quickly, I was disappointed and yes, hurt, a number of times. I used to make assumptions regarding exclusivity–since I always was, surely he was also right? Not right.

    A few years back, on a first date, a man told me he usually dated more than one woman at a time–how did I feel about that? Well, I completely appreciated his honesty for one thing. Since I wasn’t at the time looking for anything serious right off the bat, I agreed to date him and see how it went. I warned him that if I fell in love with him, then the “others” thing would need to be re-negotiated.

    For about 2.5 mos. it was okay as a casual r’ship. I realized though, that I wanted something more (and NOT with him) and I broke it off. He understood, but wanted to keep it going anyway until I found someone I fell in love with. I laughed. And I said no, I didn’t want to do that.

    Later that year I did meet someone else I wanted to date and I was very upfront about wanting us to be on the same page about not seeing other people if we were to sleep together. It wasn’t a problem. There are PLENTY of men who aren’t threatened by exclusivity in dating. It’s merely an agreement to concentrate on each other for the time being, not a marriage proposal. Hell, you could sleep with each other once and never want to again, but at least at the time you do, it’s nice to know that there isn’t someone else (or a string of someone’s) in the picture. I don’t know why anyone has a problem with this. Likewise, if you are into casual dating, why not be upfront about it? Not everyone is looking for “The One” everytime they put themselves in the dating pool, though sometimes they may be surprised and actually find that person through casual dating.

    I don’t think you did anything wrong Collete. If this seems to be a pattern for you, it’s probably because you keep running into the casual daters (despite what they may say). Also, it seems to be true of internet dating that many people who use it want “to see what else is out there” that they might be missing. This is a form of casual dating the people engaged in it might not even realize. I hope you are trying traditional avenues of meeting men beyond eHarmony, if not, you should be.

    Keep being honest about what you want with yourself and with those you date. It is absolutely the only way you will eventually meet the person who will be just as honest with you. Have patience, it will happen.

    Selena

  23. 113
    Mo'

    Well, it sounds like the guy wasn’t interested in a relationship then. His loss. :)

    To answer the question: can you get a commitment without sex? Yes, but not from every guy. Nor from every girl, for that matter. And if anyone is not comfortable with having sex too early on in a relationship, then don’t do it, but be mature enough to deal with the fallout. It’s that simple. If you can do that, then you’ll do just fine.

    I would like to throw this out though, just as a devil’s advocate type argument. Women are well within their rights to tell a guy they want to wait before they have sex, partly because of their own comfort level, partly as a way of ensuring his commitment. Okay fine, I get that. But suppose you were dating a guy who you knew had a lot of money, say he was a VP or a partner at a law firm. But suppose he said “I’m not spending any more than $10 on a date. I really like you, but I want to be sure that you aren’t seeing anybody else first. I could easily get very attached to you and I just want to know there’s something there before I go spending all this money on you.”

    How would you feel? You would probably feel a little stunted that he put a limitation on you, and you might even resent the implication that you are being tested just to see if you’re after his money. Yet, any such guy would have a perfect right to do exactly that. Would you stay? And if you would refuse to stay with him after that, then how can you justify criticizing men who do the same when sex is involved? It’s a little hypocritical IMO.

  24. 114
    hunter

    on post #112,

    There is nothing wrong with seeing someone 2.5-3.0 months, and then deciding he/she is not the right one.

  25. 115
    Selena

    @Hunter #114

    Exactly! The 1-3 month span is where you should be evaluating whether the two of you are a good match…or not.

  26. 116
    Cute Redhead

    Mo, #113: I have dated many well-heeled financial guys and I prefer that we keep the spending within the realm of what is manageable for me as I always split the bill or reciprocate. For many women (like me) dating is about getting to know the guy and see if we’re compatible on many fronts — financially being one, and sexually being another. Sex, for me, has to come later because it is so much more complicated (STDs, pregnancy, emotions, history, what you like/don’t, are we exclusive/not, etc.) But it’s a little weird that you’re equating sex and money. Sounds like some posters on here with their view that dating is just a form of prostitution. If you hold that POV regarding women, guess what kind of woman you are going to meet?

    Also, $10 is a little on the, uh, inexpensive side for a date whether you are paying in whole or in part, and I trust that you were employing hyperbole merely to make your point.

  27. 117
    Mo'

    Cute Redhead #116:

    The $10 was a low number I just threw out off the top of my head. Just enough to pay for two coffees in my corner of the world.

    To clarify: I do not see dating as a form of prostitution, as you put it. I respect that many women feel used when they get pressured into having non-committal sex before they feel ready for it, and that such women would not equate that with money. I get that.

    But I would suggest that if any person who held that view had ever been used the other way, for the things they were capable of buying for someone of the opposite sex, they would probably feel differently.

    1. 117.1
      nyxxx

      I know several guys who has been used for their money by women- while not even being that wealthy. One guy got a “gf” who quickly moved in with him, borrowing money almost every weekend to go shopping (never paying back) and not very interested to spend time with him… (one of the reasons he got attracted to her in the beginning was her wardrobe “It’s all Gucci and Prada!”- her having a lowpaid job and no wealthy parents should’ve been a huge red flag to him- who had paid for those clothes..?)
        This is indeed a situation where men could feel “used” in the way women do when they have sex with a guy who was only interested in that- so I agree with your  comparison, Mo.
        I’d say it would be wise for a man NOT to spend a lot of money on a woman while dating- thereby quickly be able to recognize if she finds him interesting or just his wallet. There are other ways men can show their interest on a date- for example by being thoughtful and creative in their plans- beats an expensive restaurant and jewelry every time (Yes, this is female input). Spoil her with the latter when you are in a committed relationship instead ;)

  28. 118
    Tyler

    I just recently had an experience that I think could be really helpful to people dating. As I indicated in another post, there is so much misinterpertation and miscommunication in dating and what happened to me is a fine example of this all too common problem…

    I responded to a profile of a guy that seemed interesting to me. He responded back and asked me my age and height. Instead of just telling him outright, I thought I would try to be playful and give him hints instead of telling him out right. He correctly guessed my height, but not my age so in another email, I gave him another hint along with funny banter. I didn’t hear from him. I thought we were developing a rapport so I emailed him and asked what happened — not something I typically do, but I was just so curious, I had to ask. And what he told me, blew me away. While I thought I was being playful, he thought I was being difficult and if it was that difficult to get such trivial information from me, how hard would it be to get more important information. Never in a million years would I have guessed that was why he stopped emailing. At first, I thought why in the world would he pass me up for such a trivial reason, but when I thought about it from his perspective, he was projecting into the future and seeing me as difficult. What’s the moral of this story, 1. we can NEVER, EVER know what is in a person’s mind until we ask. So, while many are assuming that the guy didn’t call her because she wouldn’t have sex without a commitment, she may very well have done something else that turned him off. 2. Sometimes, it’s the little things that turn people off. Little things that we never even notice, but they do. 3. Even though people want to make a connection, we are very very quick to find fault and eliminate them from consideration. This behavior means that many of us could pass on really good people. Just as this guy did because God knows, I am sooooooo not a difficult person!

  29. 119
    Tyler

    Oh, the other thing that this experience has made me realize is that in on-line dating, we often think people just flake out. Well, I now have to wonder if that’s the case or if it is that they a person has done something to turn them off. For example, sometimes I have traded emails with men who only give one or two word responses. I conclude that communicating with them is way too much effort — and not much fun — so I move on. Those guys might view my behavior as flaky, but I have in fact a rational reason in my mind for stopping communication. So, perhaps people really aren’t as flaky as we say they are. They have just interpreted something you’ve done and decided you just aren’t worth it.

  30. 120
    hunter

    on post #118

    Many, many, men are clueless when it comes to dating “code”. To include, playful banter, back and forth, between two people. Few men study relationships….

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