Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. (I did see, and really appreciated, your post dedicated to the plight of pretty girls!) My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong.

After about 4 dates (each time he’d follow up right away to tell me he had fun and wanted to see me soon), I spent a lot of time with this new guy one weekend and he introduced me to all his friends, who were very welcoming. The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him truthfully that I really liked him, and that I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too. He said he understood, but didn’t say anything more just cuddled with me. We fell asleep together, then spent the next morning out for brunch and wandering around the local farmer’s market (his ideas). He seemed that day to be truly enjoying my company. But since then, he never called me again.

I accept that he’s no longer interested, and I’m prepared to be realistic and move on from this particular guy. I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. You have said in your posts that sometimes you have to take a leap, but it can’t possibly be true that I have to “leap” and have sex with someone who’s just not quite willing to commit *yet* and then wait for him to decide that he’s willing to admit that he has feelings for me a few months later. Maybe in this case he really is seeing other people, but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.

I think I must be doing something wrong, but I just refuse to accept that not having sex until he commits to me is the wrong decision. How many times do I have to go through this painful process before a guy (and a guy that I’m into) will be so crazy about me that he just says, okay, whatever you need – time, commitment, you’ve got it! I guess what I’m really asking for is some reassurance that a hot girl can hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her.

Thanks in advance for helping a girl out,

Colette

Dear Colette,

Guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex”? Yes.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex and still hope to find a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” Yes.

Can a hot girl hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” No. Holding out on sex will inherently lower your chances of finding a guy.

Why? Because guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

In fact, I want to laud you for waiting for a commitment before sex. If more women did that, there would be a lot less post-coital heartbreak. Alas, there would be a lot more of the pre-coital disappointment you’ve described above.

Choose your poison.

You feel “fairly confident” that he would have called you again after sex. What about all the other women who felt the same way and got burned? Clearly, you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

So what’s a girl to do?…

Well, if you follow my advice – and, by refusing sex before a commitment, you have been – you get to see a man’s true stripes. If he steps up and commits to you, you have an answer. If he bails on you, you have an answer.

The only thing you can do differently is consider HOW you’re refusing to have sex. From your story, it sounded like you approached it in a healthy, adult fashion. But I wasn’t there. You may have felt that you were just speaking your mind and explaining your deep-seated reasons and ethics. Maybe all he heard was, “No. I don’t find you attractive.”

The disconnect between what we mean and what other people hear is at the heart of many relationship issues. Which is why it’s always valuable to step into the shoes of your partner – to attempt to see things through his eyes.

One thing that most women don’t know about men – in fact, one thing that MEN don’t even know about themselves – is that we are like sharks. We always need to be moving forward and making progress. If we’re not, we might as well be dead.

Consider a man who writes to you on Match.com. “You look hot. I want to meet. Here’s my number.”

An inartful come-on line, to say the least. But it’s how you deal with it that determines whether he sticks around for more. If you tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable talking to strangers on the phone. Why don’t you email me more about yourself?” you can pretty much say goodbye. It’s not that your desire to get to know him better was wrong. It’s that you told him “No! Your way is wrong. My way is right. Follow my rules.”

We want to make progress in the bedroom…to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY.

A better way to approach this would be to be playful. “You’re right. I am hot. :-) But you know that good girls like me don’t call boys like you first. So, before we go any further, why don’t you tell me about the first time you…visited Europe . And don’t leave out any details. Inquiring minds want to know. Talk to you soon, sweetie!”

See the difference? One is terse and negative. The other is playful and encouraging. Playing a little hard to get – while still remaining completely available – raises your value. It makes him want to chase. It makes the process of getting to know you fun. And, most of all, it doesn’t tell him NO. It tells him, LATER. All he has to do is follow your directions and he’ll get what he wants.

Your job is to make your directions fun for him to follow.

Similarly, men want to feel we’re making progress in the bedroom. It’s not that we need to sleep with you on Date 1 or 2 or 3. It’s that we want to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY. How you handle us in this delicate arena is a big factor in whether we choose to come back for more.

Put it this way: if I go out with a woman and kiss her on Date 1, that’s great. If I go out with her, and can’t do any more than kiss her on Date 2, I might get a little frustrated. If I go out with her and get stuck in the kissing zone on Date 3, I’m pretty sure that that will be the last date. I know. It sounds awful. But I can’t be the only guy who works this way.

A woman is not wrong for keeping her shirt on. But her refusal to make any sexual progress unintentionally makes a guy feel rejected, and most guys aren’t going to like it. I’m pretty sure it’s why they invented “bases” in high school. We don’t need to go all the way, but getting to second and having a view of third shouldn’t be out of the question. Regardless of whether you agree with me, for most confident, sexy, 35-year-old men, staying on “first” for a month is not a viable option.

So without getting all sordid, Colette, ask yourself how you made your partner feel on this fourth date. Was it all about you? Your morals, your desires, your past heartbreak? Or did you consider that he might like you – and that it’s hard for him stick with a woman who doesn’t make him feel attractive or desired?

I don’t know him. Maybe he was just a run of the mill player.

I don’t know you. Maybe you did all the right things.

But just because a man’s desires run counter to yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It means you have to find a way to let him know that, with proper communication, you can BOTH get what you want.

This, by the way, is the key to ALL dating and relating – understanding the opposite sex and finding a path that keeps both man and woman satisfied.

To learn how to get your needs met, while still keeping a man satisfied, check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. In a few hours, you will learn the secret to attracting the best men online and screening them, using my “The 2/2/2” rule, to ensure the highest quality first dates.

In three months, you will view dating and men in an entirely new way. And that’s a good thing!

Click here to learn more.

Much love,

Your friend,

Evan

29
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Comments:

  1. 121
    hunter

    on post #119,

    “Tis true, men give one word responses….many men struggle with this, yet, I lost count of how many head shrinks, I have talked to, and I lost count of how many single seminars, I have been to throughout my life time, I have come to the conclusion, that some questions, asked by some women, have one word answers………

  2. 122
    hunter

    …..LOL!…….how funny!…….hmmhh…

  3. 123
    Tyler

    Hunter,

    I don’t really understand what you mean in post 120.

    For post 121: You could very well be right that for a man the questions women ask have one word answers. The problem is that if a woman doesn’t think they do, she’s going to view communicating with the man as difficult and move on — but leaving the man, who feels he is doing things right, to conclude that the woman stopped communicating because she is flaky. This is precisely my point — miscommunication and misinterpretation is rampant in dating.

  4. 124
    cinnamon

    re: # 113
    “How would you feel? You would probably feel a little stunted that he put a limitation on you, and you might even resent the implication that you are being tested just to see if you’re after his money.”
    Just to answer your question:
    1. resent the thought that I’m being tested – yes
    2. require that a guy spends more money on me that I can afford spending on him – no, I see no reason why he should. That would make me feel embarrassed rather than anything else.

  5. 125
    hunter

    to tyler on post #123

    Few men know about using playful banter when first talking to a woman.

  6. 126
    Lady Nemesis

    A woman HAS to protect herself from being used and disposed of afterwards. If he is not devoted to her (she must be HOT but not slutty-hot but Virtuous hot) then he will just have sex with her and dump her afterwards.

    Sure can can SAY he won’t leave,

    But how can she be sure that she won’t give up the goodies and then he skips town?

    Fudge that, if all you get is a kiss on the THIRD date and you are mad, then maybe you need to see a prostitiute while you are dating a girl you like and could be the mother of your children, instead of trying to use her as your human blow up doll.

  7. 127
    Karl R

    Lady Nemesis said: (#126)
    “Sure can can SAY he won’t leave, But how can she be sure that she won’t give up the goodies and then he skips town?”

    You make it sound so dramatic. How many times did men “skip town” just because they decided to end their fling with you?

    I can only think of two reasons a man would leave town:
    1. He’s a deadbeat who owes child support.
    2. He’s being stalked by his ex.

    Otherwise, it’s too much effort to pack up and move.

    Similarly, I don’t need to lie to a woman in order to have a fling. I can tell her that I’m not interested in a long-term relationship. I tell her that I enjoy her company and find her extremely sexy. And a lot of the time, I can have a fling while being completely honest about my intentions.

    If that woman isn’t interested in a fling, another woman will be. There is no need to lie. In my experience, most men won’t lie. If they want a fling, they will have one without being dishonest.

    But I agree that everyone should protect themselves. If you’re not willing to accept the consequences of a fling, wait for some kind of commitment.

  8. 128
    Christina

    If you want to have a relationship such as marriage and it is your personal belief that it is best to wait until said marriage, then find someone who is in synch with your beliefs.  And I can’t emphasize this enough, it is a PERSONAL CHOICE between the 2 people involved. 

    But, truthfully once you have dated for a substantial amount of time as to ACTUALLY Know said partner and understand their thinking on pre-marital sex,
    I don’t feel as if Colette should do ANYTHING that SHE is NOT Totally COMFORTABLE in doing lest she COMPROMISES HERSELF, convictions, and eliminates the possibility of contracting STD’s or AIDS (possibly) Hopefully BOTH parties will be RESPONSIBLE if they are CONSIDERING HAVING SEX together!

    The bottom line is NOBODY can really judge what is transpiring between 2 people EXCEPT for the 2 people involved.

    I say, if it feels right between the two of you, and you are behaving in a responsible manner then the choice boils down to that sex is a perectly natural progression in a long-term, loving, relationship.

    Maybe what Collette ultimately wants is to be married. But, unless both parties are committed to each other and their relationship, there are NO GURANTEES IN LIFE!!!  Just like in marriage, unless BOTH people play by the same RULES and respect themselves and each other–then the point is MUTE.  As there are PLENTY OF CHEATERS of either sex. 

    Just my humble two cents worth of advice.  Collete that guy Just was’nt that into you.  And MOVE ON!  Do NOT call HIM to find out how he is UNLESS YOU are RETURNING a phone call from HIM.  If he is the right person for you, HE will MAKE the 1st Move back towards you.

    There are plenty of fish in the sea, and just stay the course, the good guys that respect and value you as a person will wait. And they are TOTALLY WORTH the WAIT, if hey share the same value systems with you.

  9. 129
    Diana

    If I were in a situation similar to Colette’s, I think I’d say something like, “John, I really like you. You’re attractive and fun to be with, and I hope we can continue getting to know each other and spending time together. While a part of me wants to be with you physically, I need to feel you are more interested in me than a roll in the hay, and that takes time. I also don’t want to share you with other women. I hope you understand. Just know that all good things come to those who wait,” with a playful, flirtatious twinkle in my eyes. If he bolts, I’ll know he wasn’t the right man for me.

  10. 130
    Kurt S.

    I don’t think that Colette did anything wrong here.  Four dates isn’t even that many dates.  If Collete accurately described what happened, then it appears as though that guy only wanted sex.  Since that isn’t what she wants, it is probably a good thing for her that he disappeared.

  11. 131
    Kurt S.

    I just read Collette’s post (#99) – her approach was perfect.  She didn’t want to have casual sex and because she put her foot down, she didn’t have casual sex with a guy who wasn’t interested in a serious relationship.  Collette’s behavior in this case is refreshing – it would be nice if there were more women out there like her.  All other things being equal, a relatively chaste woman is far more attractive that a relatively promiscuous woman.

  12. 132
    jacinta

    This idea of “making progress” I think must apply much more to guys, because while you may stick with just kissing for a wihle, you are developing other parts of the story, getting to know someone, hanging out in different contexts etc. While I think that you shouldnt (nor is it natural) to postpone sex if you are really feeling it, it is important as a woman (if you are looking for respect and for something to last at least a little while) to wait to feel comfortable with a guy.
     
    I was a litte concerned reading Evan´s blog about the “if I am still stuck in the kissing mode on date three that will be it”. I don´t buy that, that may be the case for very young guy, or someone looking for sex, but I think most guys want more, and the effort of finding someone else outweighs the minor agravation of waiting for sex. (But of course I am a woman and can only speculate!)

  13. 133
    Robin

    I’m a little surprised at some of the posts attacking Colette for stating that she is attractive.  It just appears that she is questioning whether looking a certain way means that she attracts men who are only interested in sex, instead of long term relationships. What’s so sinister about that?  

    Tyler (#90), does she really need to “clarify why her hotness is an issue?” Glenda (#101), since when does describing oneself as attractive smack of egotism?  Give me a break.  I don’t see how her stating that she would generally be considered attractive in any way detracts from her as a person and/or makes it acceptable for you to snidely indicate that this somehow indicates an underlying personality problem. However, your posts make me think you are threatened by other women who are confident and rightfully expect reciprocity and respect from the persons they date.  
    We all use words to describe ourselves, whether the words are “funny” smart” ‘attractive” etc. and in describing what we are looking for in potential partners.  Let us be realistic – we all place a value on attractiveness, and seek partners that we find attractive, whatever that means to us individually.  Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I firmly believe that we have to find ourselves ‘beautiful’ before anyone else will.  We should all have the confidence to say, “I am a great catch who deserves a great partner.”

    So the next time someone (whether male or female) describes him/herself as “hot” maybe your reaction should be “Good for you!” instead of “What nerve!”

  14. 134
    Ainu

    Dear Evan

    So, according to your answer to Collette , we, women should just sleep with every guy who comes across as dateable , on 2nd or 3rd date, because it is being expected from us , and then wait and “see if we passed”? Ridiculous..

    D. 

  15. 135
    Goldie

    Excellent comment #111. I should’ve read it, oh, 4-5 months ago, memorized it, printed it out, and posted it on my fridge, then maybe I wouldn’t have had that exact same thing happen to me :( People do “come around” sometimes (I know I have), but that is such a rare occasion, I wouldn’t count on it. Better for my sanity, if a guy already said “no” to whatever, to ignore all mixed messages that might follow and continue to take his “no” at face value. More than that, if he said “yes”, but his actions say “no”, I prefer to take those actions at face value. Took me only once to learn this lesson.
     
    BTW, I read the original post and completely agree with the “pick your poison” part. The guy probably would’ve bailed anyway, before or after sex. Much better for the OP that he bailed when he did. What can I say, dating is risky stuff :(

  16. 136
    littleangel

    I think a Hot woman can Hold Out Sex until Commitment. If a man already approaching in such manner way, that would make woman easier to not waste her time and by telling the guy that it seems they deserve better just being a sex toy for woman. A hot guy is a man who knows how to talk and treat a woman in a fun way and not in too naughty way. This is a ridiculous way of this modern society that discussing sex should be when or until how many dates. When you have sex outside of a marriage or in a relationship, at least you know that your partner is also looking for sex as before committed to you and looking for you as a person who deserve the best. How if you will be paralyzed in the future and can not give sex anymore to your partner when you are both married to each other? Will he still stick around with you, will he cheat on you? When on the first mind what he’s talking about, at least you know what kind of man he is and what he is looking for and what he sees in you. You can not change people’s mind, only intimidating and persuade him, but that will be a hard long work, and not authentic from him. I prefer an origin mind from a man’s thought not by manipulating from the woman’s point of view.

  17. 137
    NonExist

    A question…
    Since many times on Evan’s site I have seen people equate holding out on sex for a woman with paying for dates for men.
    How would you ladies feel if the man preferred to go dutch until you made a commitment?
    Your body being precious enough for you to conserve and his generosity being precious for him to conserve.
    And to those who may jump to the conclusion I am not saying either party should expect anything. 

  18. 138
    Carrie

    Ok I actually JUST had this conversation with a guy I was dating yesterday!  we went on a few dates and I said no to sex, just that I felt I needed us to know each other better.  He agreed, said he respected that and basically phoned me every few days for the next month.  Never took me out again.  So this week he starts saying that he needs this to be a physical relationship as well as mental and emotional, and I agreed but I said only if it’s a committed relationship and that we don’t spend any time together getting to know each other, other than him phoning me.  He got fairly upset with me, said he never said anything about wanting a committed relationship, then got off the phone fairly quickly.  Meanwhile for a month he was saying things like he wanted to take a vacation together this winter, would take me out in his sportscar this summer and even asked me if I wanted to be a stay at home mom and if so he would need to make more money.  I was glad I never gave him sex, I think he just said all those things to placate me and put in his one month “time” before he actually got it.    And if we had seen each other over the past month I definitely would have kissed and gone to different bases with him, I did find him very attractive but he never initiated that.  I don’t disagree with some messing around but actual intercourse should be saved for a committed relationship.
    I have been down this road before and did give it up quickly to someone and it was a great relationship for about a month, until he decided without warning that logically it did not work for him but that he was very emotionally attached.  He just ended it, no warning, never heard from him again.  and yes I was devasted.
    Prior to my last guy, I dated a guy who actually said HE wouldn’t move that fast, HE initiated that conversation and I agreed… then he never asked me out again lol.  so I mean it’s a crap shoot. 
    The thing I’ve learned is, I just feel better about myself if I do not give it up easily, not until I am comfortable and know that if it goes down in flames in another month I won’t be an emotional basketcase and hate the next guy who comes along for what the previous guy did.  So OP if the way YOU feel is that YOU cannot proceed without knowing someone better, then please do not beat yourself up for wanting to wait. 
    I am totally in the same boat, I am attractive and get asked out all the time, hit on all the time, no problem getting dates with attractive eligible men.  It takes some figuring out what someone is really about before you get into a relationship, everyone is on their best behaviour the first few dates, I figure if you give it long enough, he’ll put his foot in his mouth, show his true colours or turn out to be a gem. 

  19. 139
    Carrie

    To answer NONEXISTS question…
    I think the only thing that going dutch would accomplish is that women would be a lot pickier about the men that they do go out with.  I would be.  I am not a girl who only dates men for them to buy me dinner, in fact I prefer sharing appetizers and a drink.  I have been told I could have a free dinner every night of the week if I would go out with everyone who asks me out. 
    If I was paying half for the dates, I would be a lot choosier and take a lot longer to decide if I wanted to go out with a particular person… therefore delaying the sex even longer for a guy… so I can only assume that the reason men pay is so they may get laid faster :)  Going dutch until I committ… I would do that if it was with the right guy, again, would be pretty choosy and I might not put as much effort into looking hot for dates :)  and I think honestly I would be pretty put off about it.  I think this is just the man’s job to pay for dates.  I never demand a dinner date EVER, i do not choose the restaurants, I leave it up to the man to decide where he wants to take me and I have been willing to just go for coffee with some guys and THEY generally change it to a dinner date.  
    And I do believe a man should pay for dates… I figure us women have to deal with periods, childbirth, birth control, shaving every inch of our body, tanning, makeup, moisturizing, plucking, waxing, maintaining gorgeous hair, keeping up a great wardrobe, risking ankle injuries wearing high heels, staying thin, plus be intelligent and well read, and have a career… the very least a man can do is pick us up on time and pay for the date :) 

  20. 140
    Ab

    Evan,  From most of your work I learn to let relationships grow “organically” then I don’t see why a womanhas to make it “fun” for a guy to chase or be interested. It doesn’t seem authentic to me when someone needs to make someoneelse feel anything. And it doesn’t seem to fit the “effortless” concept. If she is not comfortable with what a man does, then she can be with someoneelse whose values are similar to hers–there are lots of guys that are willing to wait for sex. There’s no good way to have “the no commitment no sex talk”, even if it is said perfectly, it just doesn’t feel right. If a man wants what he wants, it really doesn’t matter how. A woman brings it up.  

  21. 141
    jelly

    guess someone doesn’t believe in sex is for marriage only.
    geez
     guess we christian women will never find a guy to marry.ever
      

  22. 142
    Jadafisk

    For more devout women – the ones who would abstain – there’s a gender imbalance in both faith and intensity thereof in the church among singles that doesn’t bode well for Christian women seeking a husband who can also serve as a spiritual leader of the family. Add to this the fact that many single Christian women see the church as near the center of their social activities, while many Christian men return to regular church attendance after they’ve started families, and there’s an issue that church leaders are unwilling to address head on, beyond advocating joy in singleness. That being said, religious people, male and female are more likely to get married because they highly prioritize marriage, but Christians who abstain/practice celibacy are indeed a minority, especially as the people who only had to do so from 16-24 get quickly married off.

  23. 143
    Sugar

    I could have written this letter, the same thing just happened to me. Except it was 5 dates over 6 weeks, heard from him once or twice a week no long conversations on the phone or anything that was really drawing us closer, but he took me to his adult nieces bday party with family & friends there, then went back to his place. When he wanted to head for the bedroom I said no, I can’t do casual sex, I get attached too easily by being intimate so I need to wait until things are more serious. I knew he wasn’t seeing anybody else BTW (we have friends in common). I did stay over & he made breakfast for me & a couple of friends who came by. I got a Good Morning text from him for a couple more days then nothing. A mutual friend talked to him & found out he was still having daily conversations with his ex-gf who left a year ago & moved out of state. Our friend told him that he was never going to move forward if he was still attached to her. So he told the ex he was seeing me & needed to stop talking to her. When she flipped out & got upset is when he realized how wrapped up he still is with her & he’s not ready to be serious with anyone. So I really saved myself some potential heartbreak by making him realize he wasn’t moving things forward with me really. Sex only moves things forward for women, doesn’t work that way for (most) men. So if it’s important to you to know that things are serious between you, then wait for sex. A commitment doesnt come from a conversation, it comes from action. A man who is serious about you will move heaven & earth to prove he wants more with you.

  24. 144
    JM

    Sex is very important to me as a woman and I don’t make promises that I don’t intend to keep. I would never make a committment with someone before having sex nor would I expect a man in my life to make the same commitment before sex because women can be pretty lousy in bed, too.

    Sure, maybe if we’re teenagers or even in college we have this talk before hand, but not grown adults. This isn’t our first rodeo and not only do we know what we want in life, we know what’s important to us in bed, and we know about all of the things that could go wrong there, too.

    The first time is often awkward at best, so maybe we’re having sex regularly by the time we have the discussion. If we are to the point of sex, I’m assuming that all is going well in dating-land. If we are sleeping together, all of the other things are still happening: dates, regular communication, affection, etc. In other words, we have sex when the time is right. After sex things are progressing, not standing still and certainly not regressing. Naturally, the talk of monogamy comes up at this point.

    I feel like if you really want to know how a man feels about you, have sex with him. Do it when it’s right for you but once you do it, you’ll know. If he is weird or distant, it was all about the conquest. If he keeps coming back and treating you just as well as, if not better than, before, he’s totally into you.

  25. 145
    Lovable

    when I read this, And everything else you write, I understand why I have never had succes in dating.I have been too afraid and I do not know how to make a man feel comfortable with me.I have a block.I do not know how to dare to get more.I try but I always realize what I did wrong when he already is gone.I want to be intimate, but I have problems with it.The only one who succeded was my ex husband, and that was so meant to be there was no way to scare him away then.But playing for fun and have boyfriends without planning a family life and move together n our first thre months, I really dont fix it.

  26. 146
    susan

    A commitment doesnt come from a conversation, it comes from action. A man who is serious about you will move heaven & earth to prove he wants more with you.  thanks sugar, you sum up all that we need to read, and remember.

    My ex husband moved from one side of the world to the other to be with me. literally moved heaven and earth. that’s commitment.

    The last guy (whom I told I would not have sex with unless he was my boyfriend) disappeared after date three citing ”other issues that needed sorting first”.  

    Maybe I’m idealistic maybe i’m an incurable romantic but i agree. if things are getting better, progressing, whatever, then he probably isn’t that into you. I accept that sometimes timing CAN be off, circumstances are not quite right, whatever – but that’s just another reason to wait on the sex thing.  I agree that it should be part of the process (as per lovable) but most women just cant compartmentalise like that. So better to avoid the pain.

  27. 147
    susan

    as an aside i have no issue with someone choosing to have sex without commitment. it just doesn’t work for me.  and commitment simply means – im choosing to make you the priority and therefore not keeping my options open.  its more about commitment to possibility or potential rather than signing a lifelong agreement. i think thats reasonable, especially if we’re going to be bumping uglies.

  28. 148
    Mark

    This is really gonna sound old fashioned or lame but my BEST relationships were where we BOTH put off sex (for as long as possible) and built a solid friendship/bond.  And were monogamous.

    Then the sex was incredible after that. And I’ve had both meaningful and meaningless sex. Meaningful beats meaningless every time, at least for me.
     
    I also think you build a stronger/deeper bond by waiting. Not a crazy amount of time but something you both feel makes sense. 

  29. 149
    Mark

    The bottom line is this….Some guys just wanna get laid and some want a relationship….and to get laid :D

    Learn to spot the “wanna get laids”.  After awhile it shouldn’t be too hard.

    Putting off sex for a reasonable amount of time should do it. The “wanna get laids” will bail rather quickly.

    The guys who want a relationship will put in a reasonable amount of time getting to know you and then will want sex.

    You have to determine what a reasonable amount of time is.

  30. 150
    Clare

    I think when you choose to sleep with a guy is personal to each woman. There are the obvious practical concerns, like the safety of sleeping with someone who is possibly also having sex with other people, but I think in terms of each woman’s ability to handle the emotional implications of sex, that is personal to each woman.

    I just use a simple test, by asking myself a) is it likely that he will stick around afterwards; and b) can I handle it if I never hear from him again. If I answer yes to both of those, I would have gathered that I have made the safest emotional risk that I could make.

    I will say though that if you are worried about whether he will bolt after sex or if it will change his intentions in any way, you are probably on shaky ground. I think guys definitely want to sleep with girls they are into on a deeper level, but I don’t think sex will make them that way, ie. I think sex enhances a relationship, I don’t think it changes its status. 

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