Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. (I did see, and really appreciated, your post dedicated to the plight of pretty girls!) My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong.

After about 4 dates (each time he’d follow up right away to tell me he had fun and wanted to see me soon), I spent a lot of time with this new guy one weekend and he introduced me to all his friends, who were very welcoming. The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him truthfully that I really liked him, and that I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too. He said he understood, but didn’t say anything more just cuddled with me. We fell asleep together, then spent the next morning out for brunch and wandering around the local farmer’s market (his ideas). He seemed that day to be truly enjoying my company. But since then, he never called me again.

I accept that he’s no longer interested, and I’m prepared to be realistic and move on from this particular guy. I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. You have said in your posts that sometimes you have to take a leap, but it can’t possibly be true that I have to “leap” and have sex with someone who’s just not quite willing to commit *yet* and then wait for him to decide that he’s willing to admit that he has feelings for me a few months later. Maybe in this case he really is seeing other people, but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.

I think I must be doing something wrong, but I just refuse to accept that not having sex until he commits to me is the wrong decision. How many times do I have to go through this painful process before a guy (and a guy that I’m into) will be so crazy about me that he just says, okay, whatever you need – time, commitment, you’ve got it! I guess what I’m really asking for is some reassurance that a hot girl can hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her.

Thanks in advance for helping a girl out,


Dear Colette,

Guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex”? Yes.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex and still hope to find a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” Yes.

Can a hot girl hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” No. Holding out on sex will inherently lower your chances of finding a guy.

Why? Because guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

In fact, I want to laud you for waiting for a commitment before sex. If more women did that, there would be a lot less post-coital heartbreak. Alas, there would be a lot more of the pre-coital disappointment you’ve described above.

Choose your poison.

You feel “fairly confident” that he would have called you again after sex. What about all the other women who felt the same way and got burned? Clearly, you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

So what’s a girl to do?…

Well, if you follow my advice – and, by refusing sex before a commitment, you have been – you get to see a man’s true stripes. If he steps up and commits to you, you have an answer. If he bails on you, you have an answer.

The only thing you can do differently is consider HOW you’re refusing to have sex. From your story, it sounded like you approached it in a healthy, adult fashion. But I wasn’t there. You may have felt that you were just speaking your mind and explaining your deep-seated reasons and ethics. Maybe all he heard was, “No. I don’t find you attractive.”

The disconnect between what we mean and what other people hear is at the heart of many relationship issues. Which is why it’s always valuable to step into the shoes of your partner – to attempt to see things through his eyes.

One thing that most women don’t know about men – in fact, one thing that MEN don’t even know about themselves – is that we are like sharks. We always need to be moving forward and making progress. If we’re not, we might as well be dead.

Consider a man who writes to you on “You look hot. I want to meet. Here’s my number.”

An inartful come-on line, to say the least. But it’s how you deal with it that determines whether he sticks around for more. If you tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable talking to strangers on the phone. Why don’t you email me more about yourself?” you can pretty much say goodbye. It’s not that your desire to get to know him better was wrong. It’s that you told him “No! Your way is wrong. My way is right. Follow my rules.”

We want to make progress in the bedroom…to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY.

A better way to approach this would be to be playful. “You’re right. I am hot. :-) But you know that good girls like me don’t call boys like you first. So, before we go any further, why don’t you tell me about the first time you…visited Europe . And don’t leave out any details. Inquiring minds want to know. Talk to you soon, sweetie!”

See the difference? One is terse and negative. The other is playful and encouraging. Playing a little hard to get – while still remaining completely available – raises your value. It makes him want to chase. It makes the process of getting to know you fun. And, most of all, it doesn’t tell him NO. It tells him, LATER. All he has to do is follow your directions and he’ll get what he wants.

Your job is to make your directions fun for him to follow.

Similarly, men want to feel we’re making progress in the bedroom. It’s not that we need to sleep with you on Date 1 or 2 or 3. It’s that we want to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY. How you handle us in this delicate arena is a big factor in whether we choose to come back for more.

Put it this way: if I go out with a woman and kiss her on Date 1, that’s great. If I go out with her, and can’t do any more than kiss her on Date 2, I might get a little frustrated. If I go out with her and get stuck in the kissing zone on Date 3, I’m pretty sure that that will be the last date. I know. It sounds awful. But I can’t be the only guy who works this way.

A woman is not wrong for keeping her shirt on. But her refusal to make any sexual progress unintentionally makes a guy feel rejected, and most guys aren’t going to like it. I’m pretty sure it’s why they invented “bases” in high school. We don’t need to go all the way, but getting to second and having a view of third shouldn’t be out of the question. Regardless of whether you agree with me, for most confident, sexy, 35-year-old men, staying on “first” for a month is not a viable option.

So without getting all sordid, Colette, ask yourself how you made your partner feel on this fourth date. Was it all about you? Your morals, your desires, your past heartbreak? Or did you consider that he might like you – and that it’s hard for him stick with a woman who doesn’t make him feel attractive or desired?

I don’t know him. Maybe he was just a run of the mill player.

I don’t know you. Maybe you did all the right things.

But just because a man’s desires run counter to yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It means you have to find a way to let him know that, with proper communication, you can BOTH get what you want.

This, by the way, is the key to ALL dating and relating – understanding the opposite sex and finding a path that keeps both man and woman satisfied.

To learn how to get your needs met, while still keeping a man satisfied, check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. In a few hours, you will learn the secret to attracting the best men online and screening them, using my “The 2/2/2” rule, to ensure the highest quality first dates.

In three months, you will view dating and men in an entirely new way. And that’s a good thing!

Click here to learn more.

Much love,

Your friend,



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  1. 151
    Shawn Catherine

    There’s some great feedback here.  I find reading the comments to be just as enlightening as Evan’s response to Colette.

    I’ll share a story … I met a gentleman on the website that “sings” to you.  We had a great date, laughed so much my abdomen hurt for hours afterwards.  Made plans for a second date.  That time comes and goes with only a couple of texts 24 hours after the agreed upon time.  I think, “No worries. Go in peace.  Good experience.”

    About a week later, I received an email from said gentleman, informing me that he’d seen my profile on another site – a site I’d informed him I was on, have been on for many years with a more adult theme.  Two key factors: my profile (photos and write-up mirror the other profile he’s seen, except this one allows me to state my sexual orientation) — AND wouldn’t that mean HE has / had a profile on that same site (not something I pointed out to him)?  He basically informs me that I’m the Whore of Babylon / am too experienced for him, which leads me to call him and ask, “Did you want to screw me when you thought I was only on the first website?  Of course, you did.”

    I polled a tremendously diverse group of my male friends.  EVERY ONE of them said the same thing:  It’s not fair; it’s certainly not enlightened.  They want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets — but only in their sheets.

    So at this stage of “visualizing” my heart’s desire and putting it out there for God / The Universe / The Flying Spaghetti Monster to help me manifest it … do you believe I’m going to “play” hard to get?  You can bet your sweet ass I am and for everything I’m worth.  And I’m worth a heff of a lot.  Can I get an “Amen?”  😉

  2. 152

    Its art of a plan my girl friend used ths method to become quite well off it works like this meet a guy who has some assets or good income lead him on give hm good sex but not too much promise him more after marraige a couple of months to  year after you are married start withholding it then may be accuse him of cheating but he will think you are  leading to arguments record him once you make him mad take the house  so easy  she now owns 4 homes and gets a great income

  3. 153

    This is my first time posting on here, and I’ve read everyone’s comments thus far. There’s plenty of opinions and points to be considered, that’s for sure!
    Colette, my only thought on all of this is and I’m quoting from your post:
    The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex.”
    Colette, while I’m sure that you and this guy really liked one another, did you consider that maybe, just maybe, by going back to his place that sex was inferred? 
    I am not an expert in dating by any means.  All I know is that it’s been my experience that chances are that a man is going to want to get naked when you invite him to your place, or in this case, you go back to his.  I’m not saying every single guy is like this, but it’s something to keep in mind in the future.
    If you’re not ready for sex, don’t put yourself or your date in a situation where it’s assumed or implied that it can happen.  
    Perhaps, in this situation, it may have been best for you to end the evening on a high note and tell him that you really had a wonderful time, you’re excited that you two have so much fun together and that you’re really happy to see him again soon. Or something to that effect.  BUT…don’t go back to his place!
    Just my two cents.

  4. 154

    Thank you! That’s what I picked up on too! If you say ‘no’ to sex, and ‘yes’ to staying over – you are sending horribly mixed messages. Basically, you put the poor guy in the Friend Zone. Bam! You’re done. 

    I’m dating a friend that went through a divorce last year. He approached me and I said no, because it was too soon after the split. A few months later, he invited me on a date again. Because we we’ve been friends for years, it made it both more difficult and easier to jokingly say ‘get away from me – I have no control around you!’ We spent weeks dating, and not having sex, and teasing each other. Until we had sex! Now, it’s fabulous, and I don’t feel like he’s just a fwb, because that’s not what I want. 

    I think my situation is different because we were friends first. I was about to hire a dating coach when he started asking me out!  

  5. 155

    Hey Colette, since when did it become a pre-requisite for a girl to take her pants off to be in some sort of relationship with a guy?

    NEVER and it never will be.

    Dont swallow any of the crap that tells you that you have to have sex first, that is so outrageous and will really bust your boundaries.

    Just be thankful that he has disappeared and shown you what he is really like … and what he is really after.

  6. 156

    A point that needs to be addressed here is that Collette is both an intelligent and a very attractive woman – which is rare (don’t hate her because she’s beautiful & smart). What that means, is that while it’s not a problem to find men (quantity), it’s finding good men (quality) that becomes an issue. Please realize that MOST men are interested in her (at least initially). That’s a burden if you ask me. Being constantly surrounded/approached by men forces a woman like Collette to THINK about the ways in which she should make her mind and body available. This is vital in order to sift and sort and separate the noble from the rotten, otherwise she’d be having lots of casual sex with many guys and dealing with much heartache. My advice to Collette is to have rules that you follow (like you have articulated in your posts). Being honest and upfront about your needs might indeed mean you have a smaller chance of being in a relationship with a man (since you quickly scare off the jerks), but I think the chances of finding the RIGHT man remain the same. If a guy doesn’t call you back because you wanted to wait to have sex (assuming you were polite and encouraging), at the end of the day, is he really the man you want to father your children? xo

  7. 157

    Wow.  All these above average looking people who can’t get a boyfriend.  And here I am…not particularly great looking and I’ve dated an awful lot in my life, haven’t slept with many and have NEVER had some guy not want to be with me.
    Hold out until YOU want to have sex.  Until then, play like you’re a tease and might give it to him, stroke his ego constantly-then leave him.  He’ll chase you, I promise.  And if he doesn’t, you got it wrong the first time and didn’t play the game right.  Keep “rolling”these guys.  They’re NOT that difficult.  ahah  Ohhh the mysteries of men..  what a…well, simple thing it is.  Trust me, just be natural, tease a little, stroke his ego, don’t  communicate feelings and girly things too much – and he’ll always want you.  Men are remarkably easy.

  8. 158

    Colette stated, “I have been dating a lot but have had little success…(I) have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong… I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. …. but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.”
    While Colette gave some details regarding her failed relationship with one man, the real issue is why do none of the men want to enter into a committed relationship with her?
    1.  Some men are only looking to get laid.
    2.  Some men will not commit without a test-drive. (Lance @ 67 – I could never commit to a relationship without FIRST having sex with the girl, because that’s the only way you’ll truly know what her values are. I think it’s absurd to even consider committing without first going on the test drive. Only after a night of hot (or not) sex would I truly know that we’re good LTR partners.)
    3.  Some men want a wild, open-minded, and sexually liberated woman and therefore bypass women who are not getting freaky on the first or second date. (see Lance @ 72)
    4.  Men must “like” a woman to justify the time/expense of continuing to date someone. 
    Assuming all the men, or even most of them, headed for the exit because Colette told them that there will be no sex before commitment is pretty weak.  Correlation does not imply causation.  I think it is highly unlikely that every man Colette has gone out with has been in category 1, 2, or 3.  I can’t say it any better than Tyler @ 109:
    “So, how does this little tale apply to you? Perhaps your attractiveness and your desire for a committed relationship isn’t the issue. Perhaps the issue is how you make a man feel when you are with him. You want him to feel special just as you are special. You don’t want him to feel that you think he is lucky just to be with you. You don’t want a man to think wow, she’s hot, but she wants me to kiss her ass. Not many hot guys are going to sign you for that….cause they don’t have to. Instead when he thinks about you he should think wow, I feel great when I am with her. We are great together. And she is so hot. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. You in turn should feel the same way. If a man feels that way about you, you won’t have to ask him to commit. He’ll be asking you.”

  9. 159

    Personlly, I’m sick of everything with dating/relationships revolving around sex.  I’m 52 and I love sex as much as the next person.  I, too, want to know if I’m compatible with someone, certainly before I get married.  But there is more to a relationship than sex.  If our sexual compatibility is the only thing that’s important to a guy right out the gate, I’m not interested in him.  I have a mind, a heart, abilities and talents, not just a vajajay.  Get to know the rest of me first.  Then you get the vajayjay and the freak in the sheets.  I want my body to follow my heart not the other way around.  As for Collette, nothing wrong with wanting to wait for monogamy before having sex.  By the same token, if the guy had a different agenda, he had every right to walk away.  But he could’ve told her why instead of just disappearing. 

  10. 160

    I agree with you but the difference for me between a lover and a friend, is well…sex.  I had lots of male friends I don’t have sex with.  I want a physically intimate relationship with a man who I also enjoy hanging out with.  Recently I had five great dates with a man I met online.  I had not been intimate with a man in over three years and even though I am well aware it is my job as the female to “hold back” and suppress my natural passionate desires, I decided to just live life a little and stop worrying about rules.  Yes, we had that dreaded horrible “chemistry” on the first date.  How AWFUL it was to feel excited and attracted to a man (note my thinly veiled sarcasm).  Yet, as we know “chemistry” while enjoyable and wonderful, can blow up in your face.
    I did not tell him how long it had been for me (I kissed a few guys in the last few years but no sex)  By the fifth date we still had not had “sex” but we definitely fooled around, the intensity increased with each date starting with a nice make out session on the first date.  By the  end of our fifth, fabulous and fun date, we were laying together in my bed sans clothes.  To me, it felt wonderful and yes, I did feel myself becoming closer to him but I never pressured him, never mentioned future anything, let him do the pursuing.  
    That was the last time I saw him, one month ago.  He emailed me the morning after the 5th date, and two days later.   He intimated/vaguely dropped a hint he was dating someone else so perhaps he chose her.   I did email him twice, a week or so apart, as after five dates it seemed OK,…I did not come out and ask him out….he replied right away both times but did not pursue a date, then just left me hanging both times and the last email was 2 weeks ago.  So that’s that, it appears.  Disclaimer:  this man was almost 6 younger than I am, although I have been told I’m very attractive and could pass for his age. I realize this could be an issue.
    I am sad he decided to disappear but I refuse to punish myself and take all the blame for his disappearance.  If I cannot, at 51, be a full human being with natural desires, than when can I?   So should I have told him that he was special, that I had not been naked with a man in three years?  No, that would put pressure on him.  Did he judge me?  I have no idea but it is certainly possible.  Maybe he thinks I do that every guy.  It is sad that women have to constantly worry about judgment in the sexual realm.  The pacing of things felt fine, fun and natural.  Had things gone slower, I’m not sure if they would turn out any differently but now I guess I will never find out.   I am struggling but realize it was a short thing, a “fling” for him, and I will get over it….eventually.  It is still disappointing to be left hanging but his actions are speaking pretty clearly.

  11. 161

    …most men don’t know how to exit a relationship….they just fade….

  12. 162

    Do any men who insist on sex consider that fact that women seek a commitment before having sex because they’re scared the man will bail if she gets pregnant (like many do nowadays) and she has to face the shame alone — and judgment of people everyday — of being a single mom?  These same men also consider these same women bitches for pursuing child support from them for the next (I believe legally it’s) 20 yrs.  These women are trying to watch out for themselves — not necessarily “rope you in”. 

  13. 163

    Maria –
    If a man “insists” on sex, either before or after commitment, then the woman should not be having sex with him if his insistence is her sole motivation.
    Regarding men breaking-up because a woman gets pregnant – I seriously doubt very many men are going to base a moral decision (marriage, voluntary acknowledgement of paternity, financial support, being actively engaged in the rearing of the child, etc.) based on whether the child was conceived on date X (pre-commitment) or date Y (post-commitment).
    A “good man” is going to do the right thing, regardless of whether the woman was impregnated on date 3 or date 30.

  14. 164

    I think what Evan is saying makes total sense, but it also exhausts me. Is this why my ex came to hate me? I was too direct in my communication? Rather I was supposed to communicate by teasing him and manipulating him into doing things “my way”?
    Men complain women are confusing all the time. I try to be honest and clear when I speak, now I have to be a manipulative engineer to have someone like me?? 
    Sheesh, I can try but a cheetah can’t change it’s spots in the long term. The sun is shining over singledom!

  15. 165
    Germaine Beuviere

    People have their reasons for not having sex yet and that’s fine. Myself, it has nothing to do with a guy being committed or not. I just choose not to for personal reasons. If the guy is truly interested and sees the woman for a future wife, then he will respect her wishes plain and simple. It’s all about respect.

  16. 166

    I’m surprised that virtually no one has cracked the code, or at least given props to one of the likely reasons of what happened (though “vino” was sorta close). Rather, many were quick to get on the self-defeating and self-medicating “you dodged a bullet” or “he just wanted sex” train. There are three main lessons here.
    First and absolutely most importantly, platonic sleepovers are a COLOSSALLY BAD IDEA if not a deal breaker for many men (who are worth their salt). In fact, in an interesting twist of fate girls generally don’t want to date a man who would tolerate such a thing. For a guy it portends of “friend zoning” or that the girl doesn’t understand male sexuality (which can easily extent into sexuality issues in general). Even hints of either/or/both will send a man worth his salt running for the hills. This guy’s only transgression (beyond saying he was moving on after said sleepover) is he should have parted ways that night when it was obvious it was a platonic sleepover and ask regrouped the next day to talk things out.
    Second, some of the commentators advocating “try before you buy” are insanely naive if not narcissistic IMO. In this day and age; for a whole host of reasons; IMO you’re absolutely nuts for sleeping with someone without mutual commitment. It’s not about “control” or “contract” or whatever. Effectively and efficiently managing one’s life for health, sanity and fulfillment is just what modern alpha people do – leaving things to chance or hope is a fool’s errand. Sure there could be sexual issues that arise shortly thereafter but being Modern Alpha you deal with them (which is likely moving on).
    Third, things NEVER should have gotten to this point of sexual ambiguity. The first few dates should, in effect, be an interview. One of the biggest problem with dating, relationships and marriages is people simply do not filter well enough. Here, there should have been a fair amount of discussion about dating styles, relationship goals, and sexuality (which in pertinent fact must involve anything from STD and birth control status, to general sexuality such as frequency/importance/time/preconditions) WELL before.

  17. 167

    You’re probably all over 30 but here’s a window into the perspective of a younger man. I’m an attractive, 22yo, and at this stage in my life I wouldn’t consider a long term committed relationship at all, but i would never consider a committed relationship at ANY point in my life without first having had sex with a girl. Sexual compatibility isn’t everything of course, but it’s a deal breaker, just like how you have to be physically attracted to one another. I’ve been in two ltrs now (a little over a year each) with sexually incompatible women, and it was never gonna end up anywhere, no matter how much I cared for both girls as people. Sexual frustration is not an option. The first I cheated on, which was wrong, and I wouldn’t repeat. The second, I just broke up with.

    For me, it doesn’t matter if a girl sleeps with me on the first or second date, though I realize this is rare among men. Tons of men out there with madonna/whore complexes who will shame you for having sex on a first date, maybe even the second, so it probably improves your odds of snaring one if you hold out. But then you have to ask yourself what kind of men you are inherently screening for with all of these methods of ensuring commitment (like pushing it to date 9 or 4 months or something). Most likely you will be locking down beta males who you’re not really attracted to, but that’s probably what you want. Someone who will toe the party line until your kids are well on their way haha.
    Generally, if a woman doesn’t want to have sex by date 3 I know I’m wasting my time. Either she’s just not attracted to me enough, or she’s hunting for a provider to lock down, or she’s a religious nutjob… whatever, either way the odds of a man ever sleeping with a girl only go downhill from date 1, and with no sex there is no man-woman relationship, you’re just friends. And if there’s one thing I do even less of than LTRs, it’s friend zones. *puke*

    1. 167.1

      You’re right.  You are young.

  18. 168

    Lol at women who think they are attractive because they easily can get casual sex. Almost every woman can get casual sex easily.
    I think the women asking here is deluded and has a distorted view of her own attractiveness.
    If she was really very attractive she would have no problem finding a relationship with an equally attractive man. 

    It’s just that she goes for men out of her league, because she thinks they are looks-matched as she overvalues her own looks.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh, not intended like that, it’s just as I think it is.

  19. 169

    how about start dating guys that make YOU want to bang them as soon as possible. A woman that can wait to have sex, is settling. Period.

    1. 169.1

      I call bullshyt on that comment, Justin.  Many women want that ring on their finger first 1) So they know they have a guy that’s in love with them, not just wanting sex, and 2) For moral or religious reasons.  And there are more guys speaking out and encouraging women to wait and more stories like Kei’s, where guys are willing to wait.  If I have to give a man sex before I’m ready – for any reason – in order to keep him, he’s not a man I want to or should be with.  

  20. 170

    I waited 3 months with my fiancee.  And I was willing to wait more.  So I consider myself qualified to answer this question.

    The truth is that good guys will wait.  As long as they know your timeline.  We need to know that when you’re saying, “Not now,” that you don’t mean,  “Never!”  We need to know that “Not now.” means, “Later.”  And more specifically that “Later,” means in 3 months, 4 months, till marriage, etc.  
      It also can’t be something entirely vague like:  “When I feel comfortable….”  Sorry.  But I don’t want to be played for a chump who wines and dines you till you decide that you’re not going to ever be comfortable with me and really what you want is the next beefcake who messages you on Match.

    My fiancee actually told me she wanted to wait till marriage at first. I never pushed back. But we were very passionate when making out. And it made me feel that she was genuinely interested in me physically and that I wasn’t being used. It made me feel confident that there would be an eventual end to the drought.  And well, I loved everything else about her, so the wait didn’t seem as burdensome.  Moreoever, the rest of the physical intimacy was passionate enough to keep me interested.


  21. 171

    Not to get sordid either, but I have to say this. 
    I was sexually abused as a child. Casual sex doesn’t work for me, and frankly, sex without feeling to placate the other party involved is really pushing it. When I was married, I would put out on a regular basis because even when I was not feeling it (and I am not exactly frigid) because I thought it would keep him happy, but I never got anything out of “those” encounters. Except for my marriage, that is.
    So if a man needs to have sex to feel worthy or validated and the relationship is not exclusive in any way, what on earth am I getting? Nothing. It’s one thing to do that for a man who is your husband, who has himself invested in you. But if I am giving my body to a date so he doesn’t feel rejected and I don’t feel comfortable with him, frankly, it makes my insides churn. That person is not even my husband/significant other/significant anything. I don’t owe every random jackass anything and if he can’t stick around because of a few weeks of not getting laid, then he is most likely the exact type of guy who needs instant gratification. And those generally make crappy partners anyways, especially considering all the stuff life can throw at you (illness, illness of a  family member/child, natural disasters and freaking terror attacks or what nonsense have you).
    This is why I can’t date.
    I can’t deal with that.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be deliberately obtuse about the advice given. Make sense to your man about why you want to wait and until when and so on. But still. 

  22. 172

    I think it’s a man’s world now for sure. It’s so against women’s instincts and in men’s favour for try and buy. Women have bonding hormones released during sex, men don’t. A woman can protect herself from post coital emotional pain by not giving the guy the go ahead until she’s sure he’s committed (even if that means engaged of married – been done for centuries all around the world – nothing new!). You’ve just got to find men with similar values to be emotionally protected. 
    Somewhere somehow women gave away too much for free at their own detriment and it’s affecting many many women emotionally, making them stressed, clingy and insecure. Then the guy whines that she’s too clingy etc as though he’s had no part in it. She’s actually just being a woman, with women’s hormones which attract him in the first place. some males are expecting women to function as males and are surprised when they don’t – go figure…Funny thing is though, if fathers are asked if they want this for their daughters and they really reflect on it, they don’t. I think that says a lot.  

  23. 173


    ..”Women have bonding hormones released during sex,”….those hormones cease to exist after the age of 50… 

    1. 173.1

      where on earth did you get your medical degree? “Bonding hormones cease to exist after 50.” ??? I guess you don’t know what goes on in nursing homes LOL

      1. 173.1.1

        …nursing homes..??..that is a different situation….

  24. 174

    I see it as the OP’s method of not getting herself hurt…or at least trying to have healthy boundaries for jumping into things without thinking or being on the same page.

    So what if what she said scared him off!! He clearly wasn’t that much into her and if like you say he has plenty of other options, well how shallow does he sound??? He could be missing out on the most amazing thing having her in his life…all because he didn’t want to wait??

    I didn’t read her comments as being controlling by setting the ground rules….if he was truly into her, her would do anything to keep contact with her, and respect her wishes. She wasn’t being demanding or insisting that he commits right there and then, but was being protective of her heart as she admitted she was attracted to him and that having sex (without exclusively) would make her feel vulnerable.

    If what she said made him run or feel offended and didn’t want to discuss his side of the story….then clearly he wasn’t the right man for her. Who wants to be in a relationship with a man who runs every time she says something that upsets him? She is better off without him. The right one will stay and respect your wishes (even if they are stated clumsily as far as he is cincerned) because he feels you are worth waiting for.


  25. 175
    jenny ravelo

    Colette said: “I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. 

    Something tells me the words she chose made him think she was clingy. 

  26. 176

    Well then how could she have made the guy feel like they were going to move forward eventually?  I kind of get what NOT to say, but what exactly is a woman supposed to say when trying to explain that she’d rather wait to be in a committed relationship before she has sex?  How can she show sexual progress after the first date?  Is it a kiss on date one, and then a boob grab on date two :P?  You’ll have to forgive me I’m not American so I’m not sure how this base thing works 😀  
    Honestly, I think he might have bailed because of the mixed messages.  If you’re going over to his place or spending the night then that shows a signal that sex is probably going to happen.  If it doesn’t, then I can see how that might confuse the guy.  I don’t think it’s even about a lack of progress – I think he sees things as being all over the map and figuring it out might be more trouble than it’s worth.  Or maybe he thought she wasn’t attracted to him and she was letting him down easy.

  27. 177

    I dated a guy once and we were together for quite a while before we slept together. He never called me again after we slept together. I know it wasnt anything to do with me being bad in bed because i have never had that feedback before. He obviously just wanted one thing.

    My loving partner who I am living with now we slept together on the first date after few too many glasses of wine!!

    My point is if someone is just in it for the sex you wont always find that out by making them wait, and if they are not and you do not jump on the connection you have you might miss out of something great

    Essentially do it when it feels right to you and you want to, not because of some 3,5,10 date rule!!

  28. 178

    Of course I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly if something about her tone or demeanor told him that she wasn’t interested.  But all in all I’d have to say that guy wasn’t very interested in the girl or he would have waited. 

    Either that or the girl needs to have a little more heat in her interaction with the man while still putting sex off.   If you kiss him like sex will be great, a man will wait – if he’s at least interested enough in you.

    So some practical advice for a girl who wants to wait for sex is make the kissing fabulous. 

  29. 179

    This guy did the right thing. This woman is not attracted to him or is on the fence. She will probably dump him very soon. Kudos for him for moving on and not wasting his time. I can tell you that everytime a woman told me she was not ready to have sex and I agreed she ended up dumping me or fading out on me. Now, if after coming to my home or after three dates, a woman does not have sex with me, I simply never call or ask her out again. Guys, do not let women do this to you and waste your time or money. If it has been several dates or she comes back to your place and does not want to have sex, she is not into you. Cut your losses. This is total nonsense.

  30. 180
    Mrs Happy

    Reading people’s ideas about what not having sex means is fascinating.

    I’m 42 and have been married for 6 years. Prior to my marriage, I dated from age 15. I usually had a boyfriend – that is, for most of my non-married or non-engaged years, I was in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with a man. But for a total of a few years, mostly in pieces between some of the boyfriends, I was single and dating.

    I have rarely had sex without love (me loving him) or a committed relationship being present. I have loved most of my partners, and if I didn’t love them, we broke up after months – max 1 year. In fact, sex sans relationship/love, has only happened once for me. I have not had sex with every boyfriend. I like having sex.

    I was with my first sexual-relationship boyfriend  for a year before we had sex; I was almost 19.  Others took many months or longer, with men who were friends first then became boyfriends I would have known them for years (as friends) before sex occurred.

    I was into these men. I wasn’t playing games. I wasn’t stringing them along. I wasn’t trying to get free dinners (is this even a real thing for anyone in a developed nation!?!). I wasn’t trying to do anything to take advantage of anyone.

    It just honestly never (well, never except for once, and OH BOY) crossed my desire, to have sex outside love/relationship.


    It actually bewilders me that a man who has spent 2-3 dates (what’s that in hours, 6-9? total) with a woman thinks that if she doesn’t sleep with him she is “using” or “friend-zoning” or “not that into” him.

    I find it perplexing that women feel pressure to have sex in uncertain relationship situations, and that they do it, if it’s not what they want. I feel I’ve lived in some alternate universe where the men I’ve been on dates with and in relationships with have been great guys who for the most part didn’t push for sex too early in the proceedings.  I mean, where are all these guys expecting sex within hours of speaking to me? How did I miss every one of them in my 20 years of dating/boyfriends? Is it just that times have moved really fast and I was dating so long ago (!) and now sex is commonly expected much sooner than it was a decade or two ago? Or was I expertly unconsciously culling non relationship-minded men? Who knows.


    On sex and dating, there’s something very interesting that I’ve noticed now I’m married.

    When I was single in my 30’s the women I worked with and socialised with who were also single, had all had… shall we say ‘quite a number of’ or ‘numerous’ sexual partners. Now I’m married with young children and living in the suburbs, the women I socialise with at kiddies activity groups, well they come from a different world. Most of them have known their husband for 10-20 years – for a surprising number of them, he was their first serious boyfriend. So they are in their 30’s and 40’s and they’ve had 1 or 2 sexual partners including their husband.  I find this amazing. Seriously these women would fall over backwards at the expectation they should have sex with someone they’ve eaten out twice with.



    1. 180.1

      @ Mrs Happy #180
      “I was into these men. I wasn’t playing games. I wasn’t stringing them along. I wasn’t trying to get free dinners (is this even a real thing for anyone in a developed nation!?!). I wasn’t trying to do anything to take advantage of anyone.”
      Of course you weren’t, because you, as a woman, have far more access to sexual opportunity than men do, therefore you have *no need* to play games or string anyone along. If there was an equal supply and demand balance with regards to access to sex then men would have *no need* to play games or string anyone along.
      “It actually bewilders me that a man who has spent 2-3 dates (what’s that in hours, 6-9? total) with a woman thinks that if she doesn’t sleep with him she is “using” or “friend-zoning” or “not that into” him.”
      It’s not so much that a guy thinks if “she doesn’t sleep with him she is “using” or “friend-zoning” or “not that into” him.” rather that dating is resource intensive for men so we are constantly scanning and undertaking subconscious cost/benefit analysis in our heads. So *if we have the option* of sleeping with a woman on a first or second date versus waiting (investing) in 5 – 10 dates then it makes sense for a guy to take that option. These days many guys *have* that option and so they will take it. Guys without them can’t.
      Why would a guy wait 10 dates with you if he only needs to wait 2 dates with someone else?
      Also, men often learn through experience that will women will sleep with a guy quickly if she is very attracted to him, therefore, if another woman is holding back it leads to the obvious inference, rightly or wrongly, that she mustn’t be that attracted to him.
      “I find it perplexing that women feel pressure to have sex in uncertain relationship situations, and that they do it, if it’s not what they want.”
      So do I.
      “Is it just that times have moved really fast and I was dating so long ago (!) and now sex is commonly expected much sooner than it was a decade or two ago? Or was I expertly unconsciously culling non relationship-minded men? Who knows.”
      I would say both. Times have changed (due to behavioral changes in both men and women), but it also sounds like you have a good picker if you successfully managed to cull non relationship-minded men, as they have always existed.

    2. 180.2

      I applaud your descriptive response, that doesn’t depict a “wild world”…..”surprising number married their first boyfriend”…….”others took longer”…..

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