Dating And Divorce: Is It ‘Survival Of The Sluttiest’?

Dating And Divorce: Is It 'Survival Of The Sluttiest'?

In a Huffington Post article, New York comedian Juliet Jeske lamented that after the end of a nine-year relationship, she no longer knows how to date. She describes her experiences this way:

“As a person who is by nature very direct and to the point, dating is a mystery trapped in a puzzle, tucked in a fireproof safe thrown down a mineshaft. I just can’t figure it out.”

She goes on to say that “It is just sort of expected by many that you start the physical part of the relationship first, and then see if either partner wants to continue after the fact, sort of a try before you buy situation. Sex before emotional attachment, sex before any form of relationship, sex before everything.”

Jeske is complaining specifically about dating in New York, but I think this phenomenon is universal. I mean, how many times have I said that “men look for sex and find love and women look for love and find sex”? What Jeske doesn’t seem to get is that it’s not an either/or.

You don’t have to sleep with a guy on Date 2 just because some other woman will. That other woman is most likely being used and is wondering why all the guys she sleeps with never amount to anything.

What women DO need to understand is that men are driven by attraction, sex and testosterone. And if you think it’s ridiculous that he’s going to want to have a little foreplay before you’re in a relationship, you’re going to be perpetually frustrated by reality.

Instead of complaining that men are interested in sex (duh), how about you figure out a way to better connect with him outside the bedroom during those first few formative weeks/months? And if all he wants is sex, just ditch him. It ain’t that hard.

Read the article here and let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Helen

    Goldie, wow. I’m sorry. That strikes me as so strange: these midwesterners are all from immigrant stock themselves from just a few generations back, particularly Scandinavia and Eastern Europe. And clearly you’re whip-smart and funny, which they should love. Being Asian, I’ve had a few odd stares here and there (when venturing out into towns in the middle of nowhere), but mostly they take me for who I am.
     
    Actually, why don’t you try dating in the 30s age group if you find they are more tolerant towards you? Maybe not just finding them online, but also finding them in person in the community. It never hurts to cast your net wide, and 30s men are not significantly less mature than 40s men.

  2. 32
    Sayanta

    I’m not a man, but as for the erection issue, I imagine that the stress of modern times (unemployment, long working hours, broken marriages) coupled with the trauma of dysfunctional childhoods play a role. Add the fatty American health-destroying diet to that, and I’m surprised there would be any virile men at all.

  3. 33
    Soul Sister

    @Goldie #30

    Thank God we in the SW are not the only ones out here experiencing this….we think there is something in the water or the food!  I would love for some of the men on this blog to chime in on this and give us a male perspective on what might be happening?  It is obviously not something men want to talk about, but then maybe that is hijacking Evan’s blog??

    The other problem this issue brings up is that if this happens the first time I am with a man, even if we have gone out on several dates, I know there is a 50/50 chance I will hear from him again. Even if I am understanding, the man is either embarrassed, or he does not want the issue to be about him so he makes it about me, I didn’t turn him on enough, whatever. 

    So guys, anyone feel like stepping up and telling us what is going on?  And I am 100% convinced it is not because we slept with him too fast and he thinks we are a “slut”!!!!

  4. 34
    Margo

    @Helen 27, my experiences with dating in So. California have been similar to your experiences with dating in NYC. Unfortunately, the prevalent attitude among most men I’ve come across, or heard/read about in the dating arena is that they believe they are owed sex on some level.

  5. 35
    Margo

    Goldie and Soul Sister, re sexual dysfunction among 40-50+ year old men. I can relate. I experienced this 3 years ago with a man and as recently as 3 months ago. One man was 52, and the other was 46. The younger one had mental issues and was undergoing a fair amount of stress at the time. If I was still seeing either of them, it would have been a problem. In fact, it already was a problem with the man I had been seeing the longest (older one).

    The cold, hard truth is that if a man can’t get it and keep it up, I don’t want him.

  6. 36
    helene

    The issue goes transaltantic! I live in the UK and have also recently dated a guy in his mid 40s with erectile problems…. its depressing! Especially as a lot of the guys who contact me on line are well into their 50s – don’t even want to go there!

  7. 37
    themodernfemme

    I have never heard what what men and women look for explained so simply. I like simple! It makes sense too! 

  8. 38
    nathan

    This thread has some of the most depressingly bitter comments about men I have seen on this blog. I get it that you’ve had some rotten luck, or haven’t had many positive examples of men in your lives recently (or ever maybe), but my god, some of you make men sound like dumb, broken, sex crazed assholes. And some of you wonder why men don’t want to share how they think and feel with you. 
    Soul Sister, after the string of comments here, I’d bet the only kind of guy you’ll get commenting on an issue like erectile dysfunction is someone like Jack, who doesn’t really give jack about what most of the women think anyway. Notice that the rest of the men has vanished from the conversation, and I think I’ll save the few thoughts I have about ED for another, less hostile thread.
     
     

  9. 39
    Soul Sister

    @Nathan 38

    I am sorry if the topic is depressing to you, it is depressing to us too!  I honestly thought I might get some thoughtful answers from some of the men on this very perplexing issue as you would have the benefit of being anonymous.

    But I guess men still don’t want to talk about it, even getting the opportunity to hide behind the internet!  I guess it is easier to talk about women being sluts and men being studs than to talk about women having healthy sexual appetites and wondering…where the hell did all the real men go?  And that doesn’t mean a man who doesn’t have ED, it means a man who is man enough to talk about it with a woman who is asking an honest question.  Is it us? Is it you?  Is it the water?

    But hey, I guess we women don’t offend that easily, we’ve been called sluts and worse for centuries…..unfortunately, we are also very used to the Vanishing Act the next day from the male population, and I would be willing to bet after a night of hot sex not too many of you men are wondering “will she go out with me again”?  Cause trust me, if the sex was good, we’re usually in for round 2, we don’t spend a lot of time analyzing if you are still a “good boy” or a “slut”…..

  10. 40
    Margo

    Correction in my no. 35 post: The younger of the two men was 43, not 46.

    Soul Sister, you nailed it. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that the men who are offended by the discussion turning to erectile dysfunction suffer from it themselves. Actually, that’s pretty obvious.

    @Bettina #26, I’m not sure I understand your need to defend Stephen. You didn’t look closely enough. If you had, you would have seen the language of a man who hates women.

    1. 40.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      What’s that line, Margo, about seeing things in others that apply to yourself?

  11. 41
    Moe D

    I’m a 37 y/o male and I love women.
    I’ve enjoyed the sexual freedom of today’s woman during my dating years. Made it easy to keep a team of women, with honestly & integrity. An honest ladies man.
    No sexual dysfunction here, but Sayanta #32 made some good points. I believe a mans psychological state and testosterone levels are 99% of the erection game. And our American society has been aggressively emasculating males for the past 40 years or so.
    Socio-political conspiracy? I don’t know…but it’s sure as hell is obvious.
    Also, a domineering woman can have the effect of softening a “beta” male to dysfunction…but you didn’t want him anyway, right?
    If you brought that bossy attitude with me to bed, I’d make you pay slow, fast, and multiple times.
    Evolved and conscious, but it’s still hard not to think about a woman’s sexual history — when I got it on the second date with minimal effort. There are exceptions to every rule, but that’s not wife material, IMO. YMMV.
     

  12. 42
    Gem

    Margo,

    When I read Saint Stephen’s post #10, I wasn’t offended at all. I’ve re-read it and don’t see any language that shows that he “hates women.”

    Wasn’t it you who said in another thread: “A man who tries to have sex with a woman on a first date…is tantamount to sleezy behavior/character?”

    Why is it sleezy for a man to have/try for sex very early but not women? Stephen is saying he doesn’t engage in that behavior because he finds it wrong for his morals/goals of finding the right woman. And he’s not interested in a woman who does that either.

    He doesnt’ expect higher standards for his future woman than he is has for himself. If you don’t like his use of the word “slut” in his example, I think he’s just using the word EVAN used in the post title.

    I get that you don’t like the double standard some people have regarding men/women and the whole stud/slut thing….but again, if you think men who try to/have sex very early are scumbags and sleezy, why aren’t women sleezy in your opinion who do the same thing???????

  13. 43
    Goldie

    @ nathan, I meant no offense, and apologize if I came off that way. I’m totally understanding of ED, along with other issues we all may have at our ripe old age. No one is perfect, definitely not anyone after 40, definitely not myself! I am completely willing to work around any problems together, and believe that a serious relationship is still possible with mild ED. What I dislike, though, is when people use their ED as leverage to push me into things I don’t want, or, like Soul Sister said, as an excuse to pull a disappearing act the next morning. Do not treat others like you don’t want to be treated, and all that. Reason with us. For crying out loud, we’re mothers, we’ve raised children, we’re used to dealing with people’s problems. We will understand!
     
    My guess to “why this is happening” would be, too much damn stress in our lives. Multiply that stress by ten if a guy is recently divorced. Double that if his ex has never worked outside the home, and now his entire income goes towards alimony and paying for her house, his apartment, and the kids’ college. There, mystery solved.

  14. 44
    saint stephen

    All you ladies can crucify me all you want… but what i want is what i want… i look for love with my head not with my heart.
    If your romance and dating culture is not helping then is time to adopt a new approach.
    So far the only thing it has succeeded in doing is raising up a lot of kids in broken homes and failed marriages which leaves the children (helpless victims) with a lot of psychological and traumatic effects.
    and often this children grow up and continue this trend.

    the feminist movement has also contributed a lot to it. i know from experience (origin and history) that marriage works when there is a dominant partner ( by dominant i don’t mean the man oppressing the woman), because two captains can’t be in a ship.
    This is why societies where gender roles are clearly defined (especially in Marriages) have higher Marriage success rates.

    @Margo
    i once dated a suicidal girl out of sympathy because boyfriend dumped her, i had to stick long enough with her to make her feel validated enough to want to continue living, and all the while i imagined myself in her ex-boyfriends shoes who didn’t give a damn.
    Margo- if this girl happened to be your daughter and she managed to pull through with the suicide because boyfriend used and dumped her, how would you feel? Just because you don’t get attached having string of “hyper-sex-crazed” relationships doesn’t mean every one can. and yes i’m very sexually active.

    @Soul sister
    i’m 24yo, though i don’t see how relevant that question was, at least i think i’m old enough to know what i want.
    And i never said waiting or having sex is what determines the success of a relationship or marriage, rather i said it helps me get to know the lady *properly* without emotions conflicting, secondly if i don’t find her to be what i want, then i can move on without any party feeling hurt or used.

    @Goldie
    is obvious you still don’t get my point.
    e.g. financial security- don’t marry someone because of his very good high income job he could easily get laid off, and when you become saddled with financial responsibility marriage could crumble.
    Good quality sex- medical condition could develop and partner might not be able if at all have sex for a long while.
    Good looks- husband can get disfigured by accident, wife could give birth and grow some serious extra pounds (i have seen this happen all the time).
    if you want your marriage to succeed look for qualities in your life partner  “to-be” like e.g,  hard-work, intelligence, witty, if you are quick tempered look for someone who is slow to anger and vice versa (a typical case in my family, my mum is quick tempered but my dad tolerates her temper tantrums cos he’s slow to anger), and make sure you share the same ideas and life goals.
    Goldie- no marriage is made in heaven they all have problems but is how you handle it that determines the outcome.
    My parents are happily married for 30something years now, sure they they had series of problems( many threatened the marriage), but they are happily together now because they decided suck it up and deal with it like matured adults. when i see all the love reigning in my family, i couldn’t wish for something better for myself. 

    Margo said
    I’m not sure I understand your need to defend Stephen. You didn’t look closely enough. If you had, you would have seen the language of a man who hates women. 
    Margo i’m not sure how you are arrived at your deductions, but they are always misconstrued.
    i’m not a misogynist. what i loathe is loosed women with huge sexual appetite (slut to be more precise), cos they tend to lack self discipline. 

    @Soul Sister
    ladies (i mean the slutty ones) contributed to the erectile dysfunction men are now suffering from, so why complaining? what goes around comes around…. after this men have indulged in a huge quantity (for lack of another term) of no string attached sex, nature takes is course. probably lets say “law of diminishing returns”.

  15. 45
    Bettina

    Margo@40: I’m not giving St. Stephen a pass. My comment about not talking like a dog if you don’t want to be perceived as one was directed at him (and others). I know a lot of guys who talk like dogs but don’t act like dogs. They want to be acknowledged for not being dogs, not realizing that their talk is an action, and that it is an action that reinforces these out-moded ideas, helping to keep them in place. I’m just not attacking him for it because that kind of exchange also reinforces the idea, and it doesn’t help him to understand. In other words, I don’t think he actively harms any woman–he seems to want to connect with someone. He talks trash about women in general, though, which won’t help him to that end.

    EMK@41: Everyone is guilty of that. Anyone who thinks he/she isn’t is probably the worst offender.  :)

    Nathan@38: Well, there are a lot of “dumb, broken, sex crazed assholes” out there. And they do a lot of damage–one bad apple and all that. Realizing that this behavior has a trickle-down effect in your life (you have to deal with “damaged” or “traumatized” women who “hate” men), you could be speaking out against that type of male behavior in a level way instead of trying to take on the women who are speaking of it in a more, uh, direct way. Their POV won’t change just because you call them names and tell them that they’ll never get a “relationship” if they talk like that. They want the same thing that you want–a lover of the opposite sex who accepts them as a person, warts and all, instead of looking at them as a thing to fill up some lack in their life.

    That said, it goes the other way. We women need to call out our sisters who see men as objects to fill up the holes in the way that women do it. The position that many women take is somewhat illogical. We get our education and have good jobs, enough money, and don’t need a relationship to have children, and yet we still want a great outpouring of love and affection…from the very blokes we say aren’t capable of it. It’s some strange kind of princess fantasy: I am going to be so fantastic, so beautiful, so magical, that he will be overcome by emotions he’s never felt before and will step up to make my life meaningful. And he, of course, has to be a prince. Delusional.

  16. 46
    saint stephen

    @Bettina #26
    Thanks for having an insight… u’re great. 

  17. 47
    Margo

    I don’t hate men, Evan. I just won’t put up with unsavory character and behavior. I don’t have to.

  18. 48
    nathan

    Soul sister – I have been commenting on blog posts here for months. You can look through the archive. Never once have I called women sluts and I frequently stand up again all stereotyping, regardless of gender. In fact, I don’t treat sex as a “slut” test, or a way to disappear on a woman. But you know what, I wonder if any of that matters to some of the women here. I’m damn well sure Margo doesn’t give a damn about any of that because she’s too busy hammering home her “men are pigs and jackasses” story to listen.
     
    There have been plenty of men that come on this blog who offer fair, honest responses, and who don’t slump to blasting all women as X,Y, or Z. But I can imagine they grow, like me, tired of hearing the same old cliched, nasty generalizations over and over again tossed back at them.
     
    Women are often wishing for men who will respond, share, and be open. And I support that wish. But in order for that wish to happen, you have to listen. Not assume what I or any other man thinks. But listen, and then do your best to respond without resorting to cliched, generalized statements about men.
     

  19. 49
    Helen

    I don’t think Bettina was wrong to defend Stephen. Frankly, I would too (BTW, my guess is that he’s Asian). Not so much his specific words, some of which I don’t agree with, but the general notion he conveys that America as a whole has some batsh*t crazy attitudes when it comes to sex.
     
    On the one hand, we have puritanical notions that we’re not supposed to talk about it, or if we do, it’s in giggles and hushed words and euphemisms, or else outright hostility. We treat sexting as though it were a crime, even though it doesn’t hurt anyone. We treat suggestive photographs as though they were a crime.  We shame others who have sexual appetites, even though, inherently, there is nothing wrong with sexual appetite.
     
    On the other hand, we are probably far more insane than other cultures in expecting others to put out. We have all these silly rules about how many dates before sex. We talk about “test-driving” others, a notion I find abhorrent whether it comes from a male or a female; it is so dehumanizing. We believe politicians’ sex lives and co-workers’ sex lives are our personal business.
     
    In short, we’re a nation obsessed with sex, for all we try to hush it up.
     
    I would prefer the Canadian or European model: more open about everything sexual, just treating it as a normal part of human life without the need to either hide it or trumpet it.  There, you might find the conversations about ED that you want.  Not so much here.  It isn’t the fault of individual guys on the blog.  It’s the mess we’ve made of our sexual attitudes in general.

  20. 50
    Helen

    …but after reading Stephen’s post #45, I’m taking back my vote of support. Too many of those statements are completely clueless and judgmental, especially about divorce and labeling women with sexual appetites as “sluts.”  In his defense, he’s only 24, so maybe with another decade or so of life, he’ll lose some of that cluelessness and arbitrary judgment.

  21. 51
    Goldie

    @ St Stephen:
     
    Ahh, 24… I see. Don’t you worry, it’s relevant.
     
    if you want your marriage to succeed look for qualities in your life partner  ”to-be” like e.g,  hard-work, intelligence, witty, if you are quick tempered look for someone who is slow to anger and vice versa (…), and make sure you share the same ideas and life goals.
     
     
    All these things can change. As people age, they change, sometimes in unexpected directions. Not to mention your life partner may con you into thinking he’s all those things, when in fact he’s not.
     

    “Goldie- no marriage is made in heaven they all have problems but is how you handle it that determines the outcome.”
     
    Sorry, but the rightwing talk about sucking it up and sticking it out in a marriage no matter what makes me see red. Here comes something I’m not very comfortable sharing on this blog – my FIL was an alcoholic. MIL, a smart, independent, hard-working woman, sucked it up and stayed with him for 40-some years, till he drank himself to death. Sometimes she would complain to the kids (us) about how she hated his guts, and then she’d go on living with him, I guess because she thought she didn’t have a choice. Way I see it, he robbed her of the only life she had. So don’t you dare tell people like her to “suck it up and deal with it”. You haven’t been in other people’s shoes, you cannot know the hell they may be living in :(
     
     
    “ladies (i mean the slutty ones) contributed to the erectile dysfunction men are now suffering from, so why complaining?”
     
     
    Um… okay. Would you mind posting links to medical/scientific data that substantiates this claim?

  22. 52
    Margo

    @Helen #51, yup!

    “Saint” Stephen says: “I’m not misogynist. What I loathe is loosed women whith huge sexual appetite (slut to be more precise) cos they tend to lack self-disipline.”

    And there you have it! LMAO. Anyone else want to take a stab at defending “Saint” Stephen?…:D

  23. 53
    Bettina

    Margo@48: Exactly. Walking is a lot more effective than talking. Glad to see that someone else is advocating this position on here.

    Helen@50 and Margo@53: Yes, I think young and non-native English speaker. So he doesn’t understand how offensive the word “slut” is. He’s probably heard it in a particular context that means something else to him, and English words don’t carry the same emotional weight. You can swear all you want around non-native English speakers and it’s just sounds to them, even when they know the literal meaning of the words. I’ve had this discussion many times with my Eastern European or Asian friends: “Uh…you don’t want to use that word around anyone unless  you know them really, really well….”

    St. Stephen@45: The word “slut” in English is considered highly offensive, so be careful how you use it and when you use it. People will react to how you say things rather than to your message, and you want them to hear your point of view without getting sidetracked by emotionally laden words. Your views are better expressed in different language. It seems to me that you are arguing for traditional gender roles and perhaps arranged marriage (head versus heart). This is a valid position and it works for a lot of people. But not everyone, so be aware that there are other ways of doing relationship that work just as well. And if you are active, as you say you are, you might consider the position of the female (suicidal or no), rather than the position of the male (as in, the “ex-boyfriend’s shoes”). If you do not like being in the female’s position, then understand that when you take advantage of a hurt person you are contributing to the social problem and are no better than these women whom you call “sluts.” You might also think about the woman you might fall in love with, or your future daughter, and how they would respond to you if they ever find out that you participated in behavior that you condemn in others. They might reject you forever because of it, or you might have to spend the rest of your life hiding your past from them. You are young and perhaps not thinking that you will ever be called on to account for your youthful indiscretions. This is not so.  

    Goldie@52: Well put.

  24. 54
    nathan

    Bettina, “you could be speaking out against that type of male behavior in a level way instead of trying to take on the women who are speaking of it in a more, uh, direct way”
     
    You’re a regular commenter here. Go back and read my comments from previous threads. I often call out generalizations and stereotypes, regardless of gender. And if that doesn’t cut it for proof, go read my blog. I stand behind what I have said. I’m not sure how I could be much more “level” in my comments than I already am. 
     
    BTW – making broad, sweeping statements about male (or female) behavior has nothing to do with being “direct” in my book.
     
     

  25. 55
    Margo

    @#54, Are you kidding me?? Am I actually reading something this twisted??

    “Saint” Stephen says:
    ladies (I mean the slutty ones) contributed to erectile dysfunction men are now suffering from, so why complaining?”

    This is good. This is soooo good. :D

    Ok, I get it. It’s the “sluts'” fault. They contributed to ED. It’s their fault many men’s penises don’t work.

    ROFLMAO!!!!!

  26. 56
    saint stephen

    @Goldie #52
    All these things can change. As people age, they change, sometimes in unexpected directions. Not to mention your life partner may con you into thinking he’s all those things, when in fact he’s not. 
    Goldie- From the best of my knowledge people don’t change, at least not the way you think they do. my grand mum is a workaholic while she was young, now she’s pretty much aged still a workaholic (although now she doesn’t work for money).
    Goldie you really amaze me how possible could someone con you into believing he’s those things i mentioned? i mean i don’t know about you but i can smell a workaholic a mile away. i might not be intelligent but i’m intelligent enough to know someone who is, i have a good sense of humor to perceive someone who is funny and can make me laugh.

    Goldie said
    Sorry, but the rightwing talk about sucking it up and sticking it out in a marriage no matter what makes me see red. Here comes something I’m not very comfortable sharing on this blog – my FIL was an alcoholic. MIL, a smart, independent, hard-working woman, sucked it up and stayed with him for 40-some years, till he drank himself to death. Sometimes she would complain to the kids (us) about how she hated his guts, and then she’d go on living with him, I guess because she thought she didn’t have a choice. Way I see it, he robbed her of the only life she had. So don’t you dare tell people like her to “suck it up and deal with it”. You haven’t been in other people’s shoes, you cannot know the hell they may be living in 

    Goldie this is why people date. whatever red flags you see, might have seen it in the course of dating, but sometimes people tend to ignore it because they have become emotional bonded and head into marriage with a mindset that things will change for the better, but then it gets no better and as the bonding wears off the red flags becomes more conspicuous.
    this is why i often advice ladies to date with their head clear (relationship void of sex) and you will see all the red flags too early to know if you can put up with those shitty attitude in the offing.
    my dad is not a womanizer and has never noticed any woman other than my mum… can he turn into a flirt now? don’t think so. my dad doesn’t take alcohol, neither do i, can stress and marital problems make me develop a drinking habit? certainly not.
    If your FIL is a drunkard then he must have been drinking while they were dating, that wasn’t an attitude he developed on a whim, nonetheless she went ahead to marry him. meaning she was fully prepared for the consequences of her decision… and that is why Marriage is for better for worse. I truly respect your MIL for respecting the marital vows she took… though most people might think her a loser for sticking it through.
    If you know you ain’t ready for the marriage drama, then stick to and be contented with LTR, so whenever the soup gets sour you can easily opt out. but please don’t go take the *for better for worse* vow and when it gets to the worse part, you scram. if you do this you have broken your marital Vows, except Vow which is synonymous with oath, means little or nothing to you.
    If your MIL has opt out of the marriage Is there any guarantee that she will be happier or find someone else great? Not likely… sometimes the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. 

  27. 57
    saint stephen

    “To all ladies offended”
    Please i apologize for my incessant use of the Word “Slut”.
    I take them all back.. perhaps i wasn’t schooled enough in the *Vocabulary* department like you all are. It won’t happen again. 

  28. 58
    Bettina

    Margo@56: I am speaking to St. Stephen in a way that I believe will get through to him. Hitting him on the head with a baseball bat will not, I assure you, and will make him resistant to the message–meaning, he’ll just start tuning out. He is coming from a different world altogether. You have to be willing to step into his shoes to communicate with him (or with anyone, really).

    Nathan@55: Point taken.

  29. 59
    saint stephen

    @Margo
    Why are you always finding faults in every comment i make? and not only that, you keep trying to twist everyone’s mind against me, as if i was here lobbying for a contest or grand price.
    i’m only trying to get my message across, sometimes i might unintentionally get my message across in a blunt manner.

    Margo- i wish you every bit of luck in finding the great love of your life. 

  30. 60
    saint stephen

    @Bettina
    Thanks a lot for the clarification, u’re Awesome- and No i didn’t take advantage of the suicidal girl, i never had sex with her.
    I dunno but maybe i shouldn’t have used the word *Date* (i used it for lack of proper term), and now i understand that in your context date goes in hand with sex. Blame it on my poor grammatical expression.

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