Dating and the Double Standard

(by Elise Nersesian from Match.com’s Happen Magazine)

These days, should a woman have sex with a guy as soon as she wants…or hold off? Here, three single gals discuss the pros and cons.

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

Here’s the original article if you want to read more.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex and then blame women for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with him quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. Which lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience, that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined to not be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals that I do. I love women with loose morals.

This question is a popular one because it comes up all the time. However, there’s no answer, no timetable, no magic bullet that is going to let women know that it’s the right time to have sex. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. Which is perfectly fair. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Hold it out like a carrot for a horse and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number, like the U.S. coming up with an arbitrary pull out date for Iraq. A woman’s sole responsibility before having sex is to ascertain if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX. If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, have sex, and he doesn’t call, you made a mistake. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making the occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts?

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Loverville

    Another good reason for waiting to have sex: the buildup / anticipation can be pretty exciting in itself!

    I definitely wouldn’t sleep with a guy on a first date now (in my 30s) — but it just happened that in my 20s, I slept with a guy once on a first date, and we wound up having a two-year relationship. This, of course, being the exception.

    So yes — wait. Unless you’re just looking for a fun fling, with no strings attached.

  2. 2
    ZenMasterDan

    Hey Evan,

    Great article.

    Yes, some men are amazing hypocrites indeed I’m sad to say – but that’s been the standard enforced by our society for years. That was very evident in this post and it’s comment thread on our blog – check it out:
    http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/relationship-advice/honesty-about-previous-sex-partners-how-much-do-you-really-need-to-share/

    Hey – I didn’t see a contact form on your blog but wanted to drop you a note to say hey. Just discovered your blog the other day from one of our friends’ blogs – Dave @ Online Dating Insider.

    Our email is partners@dan-and-jennifer.com – drop me a note with your email address when you have a chance.

    Have an awesome day!
    Dan

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