Do I Attract Men With The Same Sexual Behavior?

I am 30, not married, and have been in 2 serious relationships in my life. I am noticing a pattern in the men I get involved with that is making me suspicious. Both of the serious boyfriends I have had, displayed the same sexual behavior.

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years. The first time we were intimate he gave me oral sex – wasn’t very good at it, but I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings – and then never went down on me again. That is, until he visited Europe for a week, 2 years into our relationship. When he returned, he went down on me again (for the 2nd time in our relationship) and was suddenly good at it. Strange.

History is now repeating itself with my current boyfriend of 2 years. The first time we were intimate, he gave me oral sex. He wasn’t good at it either, but I would never tell him that. Then did not do it again until just recently when he returned from vacation in a foreign country. He went down on me again (for the 2nd time in our 2 year relationship), and is suddenly an orally talented sensation.

What is going on in other countries?! Is it something in the water overseas?

I am a giving person when it comes to sex, and am not selfish in any way. I tried to understand about this lack of oral pleasure (avoiding the thought that I am attracted to men who are selfish in bed), because I figured vaginas would be grosser than penises (in the oral respect).

I find it very strange that they both did this, and am wondering if it has something to do with cheating… or maturity… or who knows! I don’t understand this behavior and why it has happened to me twice in my life. Is this typical man behavior? What does it all mean, Evan?

 

-Orally Lost

We look for patterns even when there are no patterns and put together a worldview from hindsight that seems to make sense.

Dear OL,

It’s human nature to try to make sense of unrelated events. We look for patterns even when there are no patterns and put together a worldview from hindsight that seems to make sense.

The woman who met her soulmate when she was 14 believes, heart and soul, that this is the proper way to meet your husband. Instantaneously. Magically. You “just know.” Needless to say, that’s one version of how people may find love, but far from the only version.

So you’ve had two boyfriends who weren’t into oral sex, took a vacation, and came back giving phenomenal oral sex. And you’re looking for answers, connections, meaning. Sorry. Unless you have more information that suggests that your guys have cheated on you, I’m a believer that it’s just coincidence.

Personal anecdote time – when I was 20 – and still pretty inexperienced with sex – I had a girlfriend for five months. I probably only went down on her once or twice. Why? Well, as you pointed out, I wasn’t very good at it, it wasn’t exactly pleasing to my senses, and I still had a really good sex life. Meaning: she didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t do it, I didn’t like doing it, and our relationship didn’t suffer, so it was a pattern that reinforced itself.

I think that absence makes the heart grow fonder – and, if not fonder, then certainly lustier.

If there’s any pattern between your men, I think it has more to do with the vacation time than it has to do with infidelity. I think that absence makes the heart grow fonder – and, if not fonder, then certainly lustier. I know I’m more excited to ravish my wife after she’s been away for two weeks than I am on the random Wednesday evening after watching Castle on ABC.

So there are a number of more logical explanations for your phenomena than having two consecutive devoted boyfriends going to Europe, discovering the joys of pleasuring women in an illicit foreign affair, and then returning home as if nothing was wrong. If there’s any disparity between how “good” they were before and after their trips, I would sooner guess that a man’s familiarity with your body goes up over two years…It should be no surprise if it translates into better oral sex the second time around.

Of course, I’m only theorizing. But as a dating coach, I’m always looking for the most logical explanation, as opposed to the Conspiracy Theory version of things.

My suggestion would be to actually start communicating with your boyfriend. Because if you have one clear blind spot, that’s it. You’ve gone years and years without oral sex, but mostly because you never brought it up. That puts the responsibility squarely on you, not on them. Let’s hope this European breakthrough is a sign of things to come (no pun intended), and not another rare appearance from The Cunnilingus Comet.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    I agree with Evan. I also think that another potential factor that he didn’t mention might be that YOU were uncomfortable receiving oral sex in the beginning of these two relationships because you didn’t know the guys that well.

    What is odd to me is that (1) there is no indication, at least in this letter, that you ever talked to either guy about the situation, and (2) you also don’t say whether you enjoy oral sex in general and whether it’s something you’ve been actively missing when you haven’t been getting it.

    I also don’t see what the big deal is about giving a guy some tips. Every woman is TOTALLY different, so there’s no way it’s personal to tell someone, “this doesn’t work FOR ME, could you do X,Y, Z instead?” Lots of guys are pretty insecure about their oral sex skills and would be thrilled to get really explicit instructions if it meant they could get off someone they love.

  2. 2
    bdsista

    why are you complaining? I agree with Evan you need to examine what vibes you are giving out. But if I had a guy go away and come back better, I would thank the woman that taught/coached him, after all, they could have come back and broke up with you, but they stayed and tried to please you. Relax and enjoy yourself.

  3. 3
    Mary

    Castle comes on here on Mon. nights..love it! LOL!

  4. 4
    JerseyGirl

    Well, people tend to pick the same type of person over and over again. It’s likely she picked two men that did cheat on her, on vacation, and come back. It’s also likely that they didn’t. I think more information is needed.

  5. 5
    A Reader

    Um, I’m not buying the coincidence theory here, except that it’s a coincidence that she picked two guys in a row that cheated on her. The going overseas bit is a red herring — both guys could have cheated with someone next door, and yes, that’s exactly what I think happened. You don’t gain those kind of skills from reading, sorry. And I can’t believe nobody suggested that she insist these guys get tested. Does the term “STD” mean anything?

  6. 6
    Honey

    I don’t really think there was cheating going on. As I said, what one woman likes is not necessarily what other women like, so even if they did cheat on her abroad, the liklihood that they would return and give her, a totally different woman with totally different preferences, good head seems slim.

  7. 7
    Selena

    Unfortunately I’m leaning toward the cheating theory. Mainly because neither of her past lovers were interested in oral for years. And since OL never…uh…made it an issue, what incentive did either fellow have to please her in that way?

    Some women need oral in order to climax and the guy who doesn’t do it doesn’t last long as a boyfriend. Wouldn’t surprise me that either guy wasn’t “encouraged” to perform oral during a vacation fling, decided it wasn’t so bad after all, and came back more willing (and skilled) for the girlfriend.

    Maybe not, but it sure is quite odd they would develop a sudden interest in this practice after years of avoiding it.

  8. 8
    JB

    @Selena “the guy who doesn’t do it doesn’t last long as a boyfriend”

    I would be curious to know how many women have actually dumped a guy just for THAT REASON alone. I know I’ve never broken up with a woman because they wouldn’t do any 1 certain sexual thing no matter what IT was. I guess I see a woman as more of an imperfect human being with feelings and emotions rather than will she go down on me. I dunno,that’s just me. I know I’VE never been dumped for that,I love it too much…lol…. ;-)

  9. 9
    Selena

    @JB

    I would guess the “dumpability” would depend on how important the practice was to the individual woman. Also whether she was apt to see someone who wouldn’t do it as a *bad* or selfish lover. Something she might decide, but give him a different breakup reason to avoid having to mention it.

    I would also guess a breakup where this was part of the reason would occur after a few months, not a few years. ;)

  10. 10
    Kathleen

    JB, men are able to climax through multiple avenues including hands, intercourse, and oral. A large percentage of women ONLY climax through oral stimulation with a man, so for those women they are not being picky or selfish, they simply cannot be sexually satisfied any other way. You may not have broken up with a woman because they wouldn’t do any one thing, but if they NEVER allowed you to climax I bet you would change that tune pretty quickly.

    To the OP, I am sorry but I also see something fishy and my first thought was also cheating. If not with a fling, then possibly a professional overseas. I am just not buying the coincidence theory.

  11. 11
    Selena

    Kathleen’s mention of a “pro” made me think of this: maybe OL’s boyfriends were insecure about performing oral because of inexperience and sought out a pro to practice on?

    They weren’t in Amsterdam by chance were they? :)

  12. 12
    Joe

    Kathleen wrote:
    JB, some men are able to climax through multiple avenues including hands, intercourse, and oral.
    FTFY.

  13. 13
    JB

    @Kathleen “A large percentage of women ONLY climax through oral stimulation with a man”
    I understand that,and of course these women have orgasms by themselves when they masturbate without any oral either with a toy or hand.
    And like I said in different thread I’ve run across a large percentage of women who can ONLY climax with a vibrator whether a guy is there or not….lol

    You gals are sooo complex, sheesh….lol Gay men have it made. :-)

  14. 14
    JuJu

    Vaginas are grosser than penises??

    Heh, well then I hope you are happy with whatever you get. :)

  15. 15
    L

    I’m with A Reader.  it’s so clear they cheated… their is no such thing as a coincidence anyways.  They landed a woman with more experience and got good at it.  And yes, I find it hard to believe of all the posts I read about why guys lie about things “is because they know what will happen if they tell the truth”. including if they have not been protected.  STD’s are rarely mentioned here and I dare say our society would be a lot more sexually free if it weren’t for STD’s.  Still got to listen to your gut when it comes to these things. Sorry Evan, I love your advice but I’d really really have to be careful before I told someone not to consider he cheated. What kind of evidence would she find if they went to Europe? 

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