Do I Attract Men With The Same Sexual Behavior?

I am 30, not married, and have been in 2 serious relationships in my life. I am noticing a pattern in the men I get involved with that is making me suspicious. Both of the serious boyfriends I have had, displayed the same sexual behavior.

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years. The first time we were intimate he gave me oral sex – wasn’t very good at it, but I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings – and then never went down on me again. That is, until he visited Europe for a week, 2 years into our relationship. When he returned, he went down on me again (for the 2nd time in our relationship) and was suddenly good at it. Strange.

History is now repeating itself with my current boyfriend of 2 years. The first time we were intimate, he gave me oral sex. He wasn’t good at it either, but I would never tell him that. Then did not do it again until just recently when he returned from vacation in a foreign country. He went down on me again (for the 2nd time in our 2 year relationship), and is suddenly an orally talented sensation.

What is going on in other countries?! Is it something in the water overseas?

I am a giving person when it comes to sex, and am not selfish in any way. I tried to understand about this lack of oral pleasure (avoiding the thought that I am attracted to men who are selfish in bed), because I figured vaginas would be grosser than penises (in the oral respect).

I find it very strange that they both did this, and am wondering if it has something to do with cheating… or maturity… or who knows! I don’t understand this behavior and why it has happened to me twice in my life. Is this typical man behavior? What does it all mean, Evan?

 

-Orally Lost

We look for patterns even when there are no patterns and put together a worldview from hindsight that seems to make sense.

Dear OL,

It’s human nature to try to make sense of unrelated events. We look for patterns even when there are no patterns and put together a worldview from hindsight that seems to make sense.

The woman who met her soulmate when she was 14 believes, heart and soul, that this is the proper way to meet your husband. Instantaneously. Magically. You “just know.” Needless to say, that’s one version of how people may find love, but far from the only version.

So you’ve had two boyfriends who weren’t into oral sex, took a vacation, and came back giving phenomenal oral sex. And you’re looking for answers, connections, meaning. Sorry. Unless you have more information that suggests that your guys have cheated on you, I’m a believer that it’s just coincidence.

Personal anecdote time – when I was 20 – and still pretty inexperienced with sex – I had a girlfriend for five months. I probably only went down on her once or twice. Why? Well, as you pointed out, I wasn’t very good at it, it wasn’t exactly pleasing to my senses, and I still had a really good sex life. Meaning: she didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t do it, I didn’t like doing it, and our relationship didn’t suffer, so it was a pattern that reinforced itself.

I think that absence makes the heart grow fonder – and, if not fonder, then certainly lustier.

If there’s any pattern between your men, I think it has more to do with the vacation time than it has to do with infidelity. I think that absence makes the heart grow fonder – and, if not fonder, then certainly lustier. I know I’m more excited to ravish my wife after she’s been away for two weeks than I am on the random Wednesday evening after watching Castle on ABC.

So there are a number of more logical explanations for your phenomena than having two consecutive devoted boyfriends going to Europe, discovering the joys of pleasuring women in an illicit foreign affair, and then returning home as if nothing was wrong. If there’s any disparity between how “good” they were before and after their trips, I would sooner guess that a man’s familiarity with your body goes up over two years…It should be no surprise if it translates into better oral sex the second time around.

Of course, I’m only theorizing. But as a dating coach, I’m always looking for the most logical explanation, as opposed to the Conspiracy Theory version of things.

My suggestion would be to actually start communicating with your boyfriend. Because if you have one clear blind spot, that’s it. You’ve gone years and years without oral sex, but mostly because you never brought it up. That puts the responsibility squarely on you, not on them. Let’s hope this European breakthrough is a sign of things to come (no pun intended), and not another rare appearance from The Cunnilingus Comet.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    I agree with Evan. I also think that another potential factor that he didn’t mention might be that YOU were uncomfortable receiving oral sex in the beginning of these two relationships because you didn’t know the guys that well.

    What is odd to me is that (1) there is no indication, at least in this letter, that you ever talked to either guy about the situation, and (2) you also don’t say whether you enjoy oral sex in general and whether it’s something you’ve been actively missing when you haven’t been getting it.

    I also don’t see what the big deal is about giving a guy some tips. Every woman is TOTALLY different, so there’s no way it’s personal to tell someone, “this doesn’t work FOR ME, could you do X,Y, Z instead?” Lots of guys are pretty insecure about their oral sex skills and would be thrilled to get really explicit instructions if it meant they could get off someone they love.

  2. 2
    bdsista

    why are you complaining? I agree with Evan you need to examine what vibes you are giving out. But if I had a guy go away and come back better, I would thank the woman that taught/coached him, after all, they could have come back and broke up with you, but they stayed and tried to please you. Relax and enjoy yourself.

    1. 2.1
      Jenn

      So according to you, cheating is acceptable if it makes men better at sex? Wow…oh, wow….

  3. 3
    Mary

    Castle comes on here on Mon. nights..love it! LOL!

  4. 4
    JerseyGirl

    Well, people tend to pick the same type of person over and over again. It’s likely she picked two men that did cheat on her, on vacation, and come back. It’s also likely that they didn’t. I think more information is needed.

  5. 5
    A Reader

    Um, I’m not buying the coincidence theory here, except that it’s a coincidence that she picked two guys in a row that cheated on her. The going overseas bit is a red herring — both guys could have cheated with someone next door, and yes, that’s exactly what I think happened. You don’t gain those kind of skills from reading, sorry. And I can’t believe nobody suggested that she insist these guys get tested. Does the term “STD” mean anything?

    1. 5.1
      Lily

      yes, if you are motivated, you can gain those kinds of skills from reading. There is a ton of information on the Internet (for both sexes) on how to give earth-shaking oral sex. Every man who has been with me has said I am the best they ever had. I was in a 30-year marriage with a man who would not let me go down on him, and after the marriage,  I learned all my skills from the Internet! One boyfriend even said being with me was like having his own private porn star. (not anything I would aspire to, but I appreciated his appreciation of my skills.)
      Maybe her guys were reading up on it while they traveled so they could have really hot sex when they saw her again? Just a thought. 

  6. 6
    Honey

    I don’t really think there was cheating going on. As I said, what one woman likes is not necessarily what other women like, so even if they did cheat on her abroad, the liklihood that they would return and give her, a totally different woman with totally different preferences, good head seems slim.

  7. 7
    Selena

    Unfortunately I’m leaning toward the cheating theory. Mainly because neither of her past lovers were interested in oral for years. And since OL never…uh…made it an issue, what incentive did either fellow have to please her in that way?

    Some women need oral in order to climax and the guy who doesn’t do it doesn’t last long as a boyfriend. Wouldn’t surprise me that either guy wasn’t “encouraged” to perform oral during a vacation fling, decided it wasn’t so bad after all, and came back more willing (and skilled) for the girlfriend.

    Maybe not, but it sure is quite odd they would develop a sudden interest in this practice after years of avoiding it.

    1. 7.1
      M

      Exactly! How could anyone suggest that both men decided to read up on giving Oral sex while in Europe… PLEASE! Both men…. Wake up…. no way…
      Why is it that even a dating coach for women would not think to warn her about being careful about this.  I really don’t like a “men need the benefit of the doubt” theory when evidence like this is there.  Men get too much of a break anyways… and even men relationship experts say that men cheat b/c they can.
      I just don’t get Evan’s advice on this one…..
       

      1. 7.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        If this were a court, the case would be thrown out due to a lack of evidence. Evidence is proof. A used condom. A diary. An email. A photo. She has none of these – just her “intuition” that both men cheated and returned to her hearth. This post is 6 or 7 years old already, but I suspect that if you treat each man as if he’s a liar and cheater without any proof, all the good men will flee from you fast.

  8. 8
    JB

    @Selena “the guy who doesn’t do it doesn’t last long as a boyfriend”

    I would be curious to know how many women have actually dumped a guy just for THAT REASON alone. I know I’ve never broken up with a woman because they wouldn’t do any 1 certain sexual thing no matter what IT was. I guess I see a woman as more of an imperfect human being with feelings and emotions rather than will she go down on me. I dunno,that’s just me. I know I’VE never been dumped for that,I love it too much…lol…. 😉

    1. 8.1
      Lily

      I dumped a man because he said going down on me would be reserved for “special occasions.” After being married to a man for 30 years who would not give me oral sex (which I needed in order to orgasm), that is a deal breaker for me. I’m in my 50s, and hey, life is too short to waste anymore…

  9. 9
    Selena

    @JB

    I would guess the “dumpability” would depend on how important the practice was to the individual woman. Also whether she was apt to see someone who wouldn’t do it as a *bad* or selfish lover. Something she might decide, but give him a different breakup reason to avoid having to mention it.

    I would also guess a breakup where this was part of the reason would occur after a few months, not a few years. 😉

  10. 10
    Kathleen

    JB, men are able to climax through multiple avenues including hands, intercourse, and oral. A large percentage of women ONLY climax through oral stimulation with a man, so for those women they are not being picky or selfish, they simply cannot be sexually satisfied any other way. You may not have broken up with a woman because they wouldn’t do any one thing, but if they NEVER allowed you to climax I bet you would change that tune pretty quickly.

    To the OP, I am sorry but I also see something fishy and my first thought was also cheating. If not with a fling, then possibly a professional overseas. I am just not buying the coincidence theory.

  11. 11
    Selena

    Kathleen’s mention of a “pro” made me think of this: maybe OL’s boyfriends were insecure about performing oral because of inexperience and sought out a pro to practice on?

    They weren’t in Amsterdam by chance were they? 🙂

  12. 12
    Joe

    Kathleen wrote:
    JB, some men are able to climax through multiple avenues including hands, intercourse, and oral.
    FTFY.

  13. 13
    JB

    @Kathleen “A large percentage of women ONLY climax through oral stimulation with a man”
    I understand that,and of course these women have orgasms by themselves when they masturbate without any oral either with a toy or hand.
    And like I said in different thread I’ve run across a large percentage of women who can ONLY climax with a vibrator whether a guy is there or not….lol

    You gals are sooo complex, sheesh….lol Gay men have it made. 🙂

  14. 14
    JuJu

    Vaginas are grosser than penises??

    Heh, well then I hope you are happy with whatever you get. 🙂

    1. 14.1
      Lily

      oh, get real. Just let her know you’d like her nice and clean and you will rock her world. Get in the shower together and soap each other up. It’s great foreplay!

  15. 15
    L

    I’m with A Reader.  it’s so clear they cheated… their is no such thing as a coincidence anyways.  They landed a woman with more experience and got good at it.  And yes, I find it hard to believe of all the posts I read about why guys lie about things “is because they know what will happen if they tell the truth”. including if they have not been protected.  STD’s are rarely mentioned here and I dare say our society would be a lot more sexually free if it weren’t for STD’s.  Still got to listen to your gut when it comes to these things. Sorry Evan, I love your advice but I’d really really have to be careful before I told someone not to consider he cheated. What kind of evidence would she find if they went to Europe? 

  16. 16
    Ofiliacblanca

    My boyfriend loves to give me oral sex , he could stay down there for ever  if I let him, I don’t understand WHY, he don’t have any problem getting hard or penetrate me, but he just love oral sex,  I enjoy it very much but sometimes times I want and I like to be penetrate too, is there something wrong with me liking it and he enjoy it too much.

    1. 16.1
      Karl R

      Ofiliacblanca asked:

      “My boyfriend loves to give me oral sex , he could stay down there for ever  if I let him, I don’t understand WHY”

      Pheromones?

      Just to be clear about the science, it’s not entirely clear whether humans emit pheromones, where they would be emitted, and what they precisely do.

      That said, if humans give off pheromones for sexual arousal (which I suspect), that would be a likely place (or one of several places) for them to be emitted.

       

      It sounds like he’s just more turned on by it than the average person.

       

      Ofiliacblanca asked:

      “is there something wrong with me liking it and he enjoy it too much.”

      If you’re both enjoying yourselves, it sounds perfectly fine to me.

      If you want to be penetrated sometimes, let him know that you want to switch it up occasionally for variety.  I suspect that he’ll be willing to accommodate that request.

  17. 17
    Ofiliacblanca

    Ohhhh forget one more thing I been with my boyfriend almost 5 years and also in the past my x boyfriends just love go down on me, as someone says before me, I attract this type of guys, why, do I look different from other women cuz I ask my lady friends if they boyfriends or husbands go down on them, they said that happened only once in a great while….

  18. 18
    Russell

    The chance that two boyfriends who had an aversion to going down on her, go on vacation, meet a woman they cheat with, go down on her, get good at oral sex, or find they now love it, and return home to her?  Slim to none.

     

    First, women don’t seem to understand that men who have an aversion to doing this, aren’t keen at all to doing it with women they don’t know.  For many men, the thought of going down on a woman they are not very intimate with is not appealing to them.  For many men, this is the most intimate act they can do for a woman.  This is the place where OTHER men have also put their penises.  So for many men, they want to have a strong feeling of trust.  They want to know they are the only rooster in the hen house.

     

    Also, it is a lot easier to ask your girlfriend or wife to clean up before you do that for her.  For a lot of men, the woman being clean is a must.  I’m one of those men.  I love doing it for a woman, but let’s get real…I wash my hands after using the bathroom, so I am darn sure going to do it if I am about to eat a sandwich.  So what makes a woman think a man wouldn’t want her to be clean before he puts his mouth on her?  Frankly, I think how a person handles this aspect of oral sex says a lot about them and how clean they are in other aspects of their life.  Some people are just dirty, and comfortable being dirty, and have little care about hygiene.  I actually respect a woman if she also prefers or demands that a guy clean himself up first, also.  This does not have to be done in a way that is not romantic, or sensual either.

     

    I told an ex of mine that she could have it any time she wanted, all she had to do was go take a shower, put on some sexy lingerie, a little perfume, then come find me, and whisper into my ear that she wanted me to go down on her.  Holy crap, what guy wouldn’t love that?

     

     

    But no, I am not buying for one second that two guys who had an aversion to going down on her, would do so for a woman they don’t know, in another country.  And, I have been to most of the countries in Europe.  In many of them, personal hygiene is not seen to be as important as it is in the U.S.

     

    Now,what might have happened is they might have seen a live sex show, and been very turned on by the sight of a woman being orally pleasured.  Given a little time to stew on this, they might have decided they wanted to give it a try.  Might have been spurred into action, to do some research on how to do it best.  In fact, if the guy has not done it much, if at all, he would be very likely to do research on how to be good at it.

  19. 19
    visionme

    I’ve only met one man in 26 years that was like you.  The majority  would go down in a heart beat on the first date. ( I don’t have sex on the first date nor the third, but thy tried) Know me, nope they could have cared less.  It happens on one night stands, I hear the stories.  The chances are very good that they are in another country, met someone or paid someone, and had a wild hair to do something different…maybe she wanted it badly.?  ( I don’t mean paid for the lesson).  I’ve known men that would do it if they thought they  would get to go further.  I’ve known men that , in dating after kissing, fondling etc.  that was the next thing they did, jump right to it!!   There was no premeditation about it, clean well that is correct some men do and others like it to marinade ( as called in the Queen’s code book).   That is incorrect,  ” most men”.   Some men just have beliefs such as you suggest, but not the majority.

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