Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?My husband wants me to have an affair and has fantasized about it for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He gets turned on at the mere thought of me having sex with someone else. And, this fantasy doesn’t go away.

We had some serious problems a couple of years ago and I was unfaithful once. I told him and he went from hurt, to jealous, to turned on and asks me to talk about it now during sex. The fantasy arouses me too, but I’m mainly aroused by his arousal. Is this type of fantasy better kept a fantasy? I would never be turned on at the thought of him with another woman. Thanks for your advice.

Sugar

Oh, Sugar, Sugar.

Sounds to me like you just got the world’s best (and rarest) hall pass:

Men Who Want Their Wives to Fuck Other Men.

This is also known as cuckolding, and I’m not quite sure I’m the go-to guy on the subject. In our household, we joke that one day (maybe on my 50th birthday), I’ll get my threesome with another woman. There are no equivalent jokes about watching my wife with another man.

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship.

But here’s the thing with fantasies…

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship. Which is why it’s harmless for me to joke about a threesome; I would never bring someone home from Craigslist and ruin my marriage because of it. And it’s why your husband is still pressing for the idea of seeing you with another man. In fantasy form, it’s harmless. In reality, well…

…you’re kinda like me – a sexual hypocrite. It’s cool if you’re with someone else; you just don’t want to imagine him with another woman.

Thankfully, he’s not asking you to imagine that. He’s asking if you’re open to being with another man with his permission. And from what you’re saying above, it sounds like you are.

You wonder if this is okay because it’s not the other guy that excites you, it’s being aroused at his arousal. Well, who cares? Arousal is arousal. Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time. So, on the surface, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him taking pleasure in you taking pleasure out of another man.

Where things may go awry is when unexpected emotions arise.

Will your husband truly be cool watching you have sex with another man? Hearing about it afterwards? Sleeping in the same bed where the deed was done? It may sound great in theory; who knows what he’ll feel like after the fact. One may be able to intellectually separate sex and love, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion.

Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time.

Similarly, how will you feel about unleashing the dragon of polyamory? Maybe this is a one-time deal. Maybe your husband will want to see you with more and more men. Maybe you’ll get emotionally bonded to one of these new men. Maybe this one experience will irrevocably change the way you view sex and marriage. That’s a lot of maybes on which to risk a marriage.

Strangely, the good thing that you have going for you is a ten-year relationship that has already overcome infidelity. This means you should be able to address most of these concerns beforehand, and deal with any surprising emotional issues that come up afterwards.

So am I giving you the green-light to have sex with another man even though you’re married?

Yes, but I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that your relationship couldn’t survive it. You have to accept your husband at his word that this will be a turn-on, and if this arrangement doesn’t work for both of you, you must return to the way things were before – with Pandora firmly back in the box.

Let us know how it goes.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Some other guy

    Oh dear, this is seriously playing with fire. Separating sex from love smells like it’s the start of a dangerous path, one that conflates pleasure with happiness.
     
    A former girlfriend once suggested a threeway, and though of course it’s every man’s fantasy – and it was appealing – in the end I declined because I wanted to limit my loving to the one that I loved.
     
    Good luck.   Are you looking for volunteers? :-)

    1. 1.1
      julie

      Yes I am actually. were going to have a mmf threesome soon and I ws given the green light to do it.

    2. 1.2
      Peter

      There is a problem in separating love from sex for married couples because the whole purpose for marriage is to be sexually faithful to each other so that the children of the union are guaranteed to be carrying the genes of the couple and not the wife and someone else. It is not good in evolution for a man to spend his life providing for a child that has someone else’s gene pool.

      Most couples do not understand the science of sex and the powerful hormones that come into play after sex. Sex bonds a couple regardless of any rules or desires and therein lies the problem. Every couple we know who brought in outside sex partners ended up getting married and divorced multiple times. Despite promising to see a man outside of marriage only once, many kept on see their lovers without their spouse’s knowledge.

      I never will understand why some who think sharing their wives is somehow an elevated marriage with more love and trust. Women do not leave their husbands over just sex. They leave their husbands because they find someone better in areas other than sex. They fall in love despite not wanting to and what makes any husband think that merely allowing their wives to have sex with others, usually with rules, is going to make her act any differently than wives who cheat and fall in love with their sex partners.

      From my experience with good friends, it seems that the wife knows that sex with others is OK if their husband knows about it so when they want to see someone again and that is against the rules, the lying is the sin, not having sex with others. Fidelity goes out the window and the easier to break sin is just lying. Show me a wife who does not keep some secrets from their husband and I will show you a robot wife. :)

      Men who claim that those of us who get jealous feel that we own our wives, treat them like property and yet they give their wives “permission” or “allow” them to have sex with others, usually under rules imposed by the husband. What they say is love is actually the thrill of having their sexual fetish fulfilled. They like to watch, to hear about it, to know that other men desire their wives and yet they return to their husbands, to satisfy masochist needs and a whole slew of other reasons. Interestingly enough, those who interview and report on these type of couples show that more than half of the husbands are feeding their bisexual feelings through their wife. They want to taste the other man on her and here all about it.

      I am married for almost 50 years and never shared my wife and when asked about it, she decline saying that I really love her, I would not want other men to go through the act of impregnating her. That is what sex is about and is often forgotten by people today due to birth control. It is an act of trying to have a baby with someone, not a game. If they truly loved their wives there would be no restrictions. If she needs more money than the husband can provide, then love her enough to live with her boyfriend. Why have rules if you do not think having sex with others is a treat. Let her stay with other men for months, go on vacation with them. I slept with married women before I got married and basically felt like I got to have sex with them but without having to support them and do all the boring stuff that the husband has to do for the same sex I get. I thought the husbands were suckers and being played by their wives. Non of the wives had anything nice to say about their husbands other than they thought they were gay as they also assumed the role of a housewife at home, doing the housework and cooking but protesting their masculinity in an apron while other men bring their wives to the ultimate pleasure that sex provides.

      This is a fetish, not an open relationship. Prime to a relationship is sexual fidelity. Without that you are not in a relationship but something else.

      1. 1.2.1
        JennLee

        Peter, this is the best response I’ve read. While I do not think this is the entire story, I do think it is the backbone of it. It is a fetich to be sure. It is 100% not about freeing the wife to do as she pleases. As you said, it almost always comes with some sort of conditions. In the rare case that the man gives up total control, and assumes the apron in the kitchen, it simply points to an even deeper problem. A need for humiliation, which is nothing more than an addiction, like any other addiction. It’s just further along the path. Deeper along the trail. When you are humiliated, chemicals are released. Most try to keep this for the most part, private. Some may know about it, but most won’t. Most who do this would be mortified if their co-workers or extended family knew about it. This is something they keep in the dark, as much as they can. I think this is much like what you describe, which is much like a roller coaster. You want to experience the rush of danger without the true consequences. But as you noted, this is foolish thinking because there are always consequences.

      2. 1.2.2
        Don

        Peter I agree with you but women have changed and believe me if I could find a woman that would want to be with me and onlye I would love it! Every women I have am with always seem to want to be kinky! I know they are sexually satisfied with me but they always want to take it further and I fell for it once and it ruined my marriage and now my current wife wants to take our fantazies further and I told her it would ruin us! I am contemplating walking away from her and spend the rest of my life single. Women just are not what they were in your generation!

  2. 2
    judy

    Not sure I agree with this idea.  What happens if he likes the idea so much you always have to sleep with other men?
    Would you agree to that?

  3. 3
    lacy

    I had this experience with a long term bf and he did start to want it a lot.We would be places and he’d ask me if it was ok to do his friend.He and I have been in a situation for 11 yrs I did it 3 times then I stArted to feel like I was being played or pimped out.

  4. 4
    lacy

    Somethings work for some people not all our relationship was off for a day or so then on.He is an Alpha male our situation is he says he loves me but doesn’t follow thru with actions too much.If I No contact him he hates that, if I call or makes plans with him it seems as though he doesn’t like that too much either he has broken dates promises over and over.

  5. 5
    Sunflower

    Wow!  What’s next……orgies?  

  6. 6
    AllenB

    What a coincidence you posted this. Recently a man who is dating a close friend of mine asked if I thought she would be turned on by a similar situation, except in this case he would be the one having the approved infidelity. He thought that if he did something physical with someone and she knew about it, she might like that because in the end he comes back to her instead. I know her quite well and my reflexes kicked and I emphatically replied “NO!” before catching myself.   The right thing was to say I was not comfortable talking about that with him. Knowing her as I do, I was a bit startled (he should know that about her by now) and after that I suggested he think about talking it over with her since it really isn’t my place. I don’t know if he will or not.
     
    Different relationship styles work for different couples.  What matters is open and honest discussion between them in a caring way that feels safe (I hope I did not sabotage that by spooking this man).  Fantasies and comfort levels regarding acting on them or just keeping them inside their mind are decisions each couple has to make on their own. Whether a couple has that discussion and how they resolve is between them;  we can’t know their minds.

  7. 7
    Pauline

    Your husband has already gone through the hurt and being jealous when you told him or did he find out the hard way when you cheated on him – and now wants to watch you with other men??? That sounds kind of ‘off’ to me and you need to find out what this ‘fantasy’ of his actually entails you doing with other men before you say yes or no. You’re both adults and you’re saying its a turn on for you too, maybe you’re one of those couples with a marriage that can work having sex with other people. Maybe not! Just remember you are not anyone’s sexual plaything or toy.

  8. 8
    Pauline

    Sugar. Just a thought, you’ve been married for a while, do you have any children? 
     
     

  9. 9
    Jane

    You do not have to look far to find marriages that were ruined by trying to be “open marriages.”  They do not work.
     
     

    1. 9.1
      Don

      I have experienced that and now my current wife wants to make our sexual fantasies real and I told her what happened and she is not listening to me!

      1. 9.1.1
        JennLee

        Don, you need to let her know in a firm but loving way that this is a deal breaker.  If she doesn’t stop, the marriage is over.  It is possible that she has a friend pushing her.  Maybe a friend who wants you both to swing with her.  Maybe your wife already is, but just wants it to be out in the open so she can enjoy it without fear of being caught, and free from guilty feelings.
         
        Good luck to you.

  10. 10
    Yuri

    I used to have a friend with benefits that got turned on when I slept with other men.  He did the same thing – he wanted me to talk about it during our romp sessions.
     
    But then…he started to get emotionally involved…and me hanging out with other guys started to become a problem – so obviously sleeping with them was also an issue. This was a problem because I was not emotionally attached to him (nor did I agree to exclusivity), which eventually “broke his heart”, so he says.
     
    I’m not quite sure what this situation in particular involves.  I know mine is different in many ways.  All I know is he was fine with it and then he wasn’t.  In both cases, I knew because he told me.  He told me to do it because he liked it…then he told me to stop because it was making him jealous and overly-protective.
     
    Some guys really do like things like this.  Truth is, as long as you two communicate openly about the issue at hand, and set some boundaries, I think you will be fine.  Just make sure he’ll tell you when enough is enough…if ever that time comes.

    And…if you’re the kind of woman to get emotionally involved once you have sex, I would recommend against it…and tell your husband this as well.  It may potentially cause problems.

  11. 11
    Sparkling Emerald

    I think he’s using this as a gateway to sleep with other women.  Or his bizarre way of punishing you for past infidelity.
    JM2C, but if you were really cool with this, you would be doing it and not writing to an advice columnist so,  DON’T DO IT ! 

  12. 12
    J

    The fact that he has been consistent in bringing up the fantasy for years, and once it got real, still found his way back to arousal tells me he just might be one of those men that is turned on by this. He’ll probably be good as long as he doesn’t feel you’ll actually leave/choose another man over him. But Sugar, would he ever use this against you/throw it in your face if he got mad? If he did are you comfortable enough with it to shrug it off or will you feel deeply injured? Will he eventually feel comfortable requesting that you sleep with specific men ( like his friends) and are you interested in that? its a control thing for him, no doubt, but at the end of the day it’s your body.  Those are the things I think you need to consider here. 

  13. 13
    starthrower68

    Those unintended consequences are always pesky little things.

  14. 14
    Karl T

    Emerald#11,
    So, anytime anyone second guesses or asks for more information about anything means they shouldn’t do something merely because they are asking???  The OP wants more info about this and I think it is wise of her to ask because she needs more advice on the possible repercussions of this decision.  It doesn’t mean she should not do it.  OP, it is wise to ask about this and hopefully based on the advice you can make a better decision about how you would like to proceed.  I certainly will not instruct you on whether to do it or not, that is entirely up to you.
     

  15. 15
    Francesca

    I have had all sorts of weird fantasies. Some of which are very very inappropriate. Not just on a fidelity level, but on all sorts of levels. I would never consent to live out these fantasies, but I am okay with having the fantasy because it is not real. 
     
    I feel this might be the case with your man. If he has reacted badly to you being with another man before, then he’ll probably react badly again. Also I know this happens sometimes, is there a chance that he’s testing you? Make sure that its him that you truly want? He might not be doing it consciously. 

  16. 16
    Sparkling Emerald

    Another thing to consider, this could also be a gateway to him pimping you out to his friends.  JM2C — this is playing with fire.

  17. 17
    Clare

    I think the husband’s feelings about this are very mixed – the first time she was unfaithful, his first reactions were jealous and hurt.
     
    I think it’s something he probably likes more in theory, and if I were her and valued my marriage, I wouldn’t do it.

  18. 18
    Kiki

    Such a decision goes down to where you place sex and sexual fidelity in your value system, and which school of thought you subscribe to.
    The common understanding is that men are, in geneal, more likely than women to desire multiple partners, and that women who openly diverge from this stereotype are considered abnormal/amoral/compartmentalizing etc.  So, the first decision the OP has to make is, whether she is comfortable with losing her status of “normalcy” in the eyes of her husband but also possibly society at large, because the more people get involved in this adventure, the more risky is that word will spread.  I personally do not think it’s worth the price.
    The second question is, if she is fine with number one, is it worth to help a loved one (I assume she loves her husband) get something that they strongly desire, if you are fine with the personal consequences to you.  To that, I say yes.
     
     

    1. 18.1
      Eddyb

        I disagree Kiki. I have found that if you build trust with a woman and get her to be real and honest; most have fantasies of multiple men. Women want love and respect. If a none threatening male broaches this subject the results can be very interesting.
        Personally my woman is very jealous of other women, but is open to the possibility of another man. My last 3 girlfriends admitted that the thought of 2 men at once was their number one fantasy.
        I am in a committed relationship and we are both faithful. She has never fooled around on me or I her. We have been together for five years now and all is well.
        I agree with Julia below it is simply a kink! I have no desire to have an affair and no desire to put her in a situation where she becomes jealous.
        We have talked about “kinky sex” in the context of other couples or men. Seems she does not feel threatened by swapping. The thought of a threesome with another man really turns here on.

      1. 18.1.1
        sal

        hi i started having fantasies of threesome with my wife and another man. It really got me off. I started having these fantasies after a night of intense sex with her and did a lot of dirty talk. I asked her if she ever been with another woman before and it was a suprise to hear she did on several occasions. So I started to think oh god I married a bisexual. But then I started fantasizing of her being drilled by another man. I don’t know why I started thinking about that and being turned on by that. I had to put myself in a real life thought of actually going through with it and I just could never let another man touch my wife. I just realized I separated fantasy from reality of my real emotions on this. And she doesn’t want that to really happen either so that’s good. She’s an amazing woman. I guess what I’m getting at is our hormones cause us to be irrational because they are the most powerful substance in our bodies. Our hormones are the movers and shakers within us and we can’t act on impulse. Sit back for a while put yourself in those shoes and see how you really feel. I agree that it is ok and natural to let both partners to have their fantasies but not in real life. Control your hormones don’t let them control you. It’s for the better.

  19. 19
    Julia

    So unlike everyone else, I think this is simply a kink, not some weird manipulative way so he can sleep with other women. So Sugar, the first question you should ask yourself is if you want to sleep with other men? If no, tell your husband and play with his fantasies through talk. If you are interested, talk with your husband for the way for this happens that would be best for your relationship. Not everyone’s relationships are the same. The things I need and want aren’t want everyone needs and wants.

  20. 20
    J

    Julia- I tend to agree with you that it’s not the gateway to other women. If that’s what it was he probably would’ve brought it up/ just done it after she cheated.

  21. 21
    Selena

    What about the “other man” (men?) in these scenarios?  It would seem both the husband and wife here expect the other dude to be cool with a one nighter, or an ongoing casual ‘thing’ – but what happens if he develops stronger feelings for the wife? Territorial feelings of his own? Wants more sexual encounters, time, emotional involvement? As EMK has said, “Men look for sex and find love”. If one acts out fantasies like this what assurance do they have the third party will always play along with complete compliance to the rules the couple set forth?
     
    This fantasy reminds me of the movie Indecent Proposal. The husband initially thinks his wife having sex with another man for $1mill won’t bother him too much. When it’s done he becomes obsessed with the act. “Was he good? Was he good? TELL ME, WAS HE GOOD?”
     
    Before doing something emotionally messy like getting a bystander involved in their sex life, I wonder if this couple have explored their fantasies through role play? They could arrange to meet someplace and the husband could pretend to be a “new” guy who picks up his wife and beds her. The wife could role play this in a way she thinks would arouse her husband.
     
    Agree that sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies. Not only because of potential repercussions, but also because often a fantasy is just more FUN as a fantasy and not acted out.

    1. 21.1
      sal

      holy shit you are so exact on that! Thank you for saying that. Fantasies should stay fantasies because they are more fun that way. Nobody wants repercussions. Everyone should sit and ponder on that.

  22. 22
    judy

    Karl 14 – yes, I reckon she should discuss this with her husband, very openly. 
    Perhaps for some couples, it’s refreshing to have someone else on a regular basis.  Maybe it adds some “spice”.  My own very biased thoughts are that they are bored with each other.

  23. 23
    AS

    @Clare #17 – I agree with you, they were my immediate thoughts. It could potentially all backfire and ruin the marriage if acted out in reality.

  24. 24
    Karmic Equation

    This is just a twist or a kink of NSA sex. If you really don’t understand the mentality that allows a woman to have NSA sex, you’re not going to understand the mentality of a MAN who’s ok with woman-sharing. It may be beyond your comprehension. So all you can really do is project. But remember, you’re thinking like a woman, not like a man. So your suppositions are probably unrealistic.

    Let’s just say I have had a similar experience to Yuri’s. Only I experimented within a committed relationship. The deal was if he wanted it to happen, he had to find a guy I found attractive. I didn’t take that initiative. So when he got jealous, he stopped scouting for the extra man. End of story. No using/pimping/ulterior motives.

    Frankly after the third time, the novelty had worn off for me. And about that time he expressed mild jealousy, so I knew he would stop asking in due time. He stopped asking at five. He never threw it in my face and as MsB alluded to it helped build a connection rather than drive us apart.

    @MsB

    Interesting. I’m not sure I agree. With the bf I experimented threesomes with, he was beta out of bed, but alpha in bed. My recent ex-bf broached this subject as well (and I decided against it), but he was alpha in and out of bed.

    I’d tend to think of this more in terms of exhibitionism and voyeurism rather than dom/sub. But I don’t have any experience with dom/sub culture, so I’ll defer to you that it’s common within that culture, for reasons of control rather than voyeurism/exhibitionsim reasons.

    In Sex at Dawn, the authors noted that the biggest genre of porn nowadays is the “gang bang” kind. Which the authors hypothesize to be because of “sperm competition” — which is more aligned to the alpha / beta argument than the dom/sub one.

  25. 25
    Yuri

    I’d have to agree with you, Karmic Equation.  The guy I was with was most definitely not submissive – in or out of bed.  He was most certainly a voyeur/exhibitionist as all of his sexual wants and activities clearly indicated.
     
    But perhaps the majority of men who enjoy cuckolding are submissive.  I could see how that would work.  Submissive men sometimes get turned on by being insulted – and infidelity could most certainly be viewed as an insult.  Just an assumption, though…my experience with the submissive type is relatively low.
     
    I guess it truly just depends on the man and what drives the fantasy.  So for Sugar’s husband, it would be helpful for her to know what his other fantasies are so that she will know what he is looking for sexually.

    In any case, men generally have multiple sexual fantasies (as do women).  If you’re not comfortable sleeping with other men, opt for another fantasy to act out.  That may lighten the load (pun fully intended).

  26. 26
    marymary

    If you try this do NOT get pregrnant.

  27. 27
    faded jade

    This doesn’t sound like such a sweet deal for sugar.  Really doesn’t sound like something SHE wants to do, only something she might reluctantly do to please her man.  Her previous affair was a response to serious problems (not a great idea, but doesn’t sound like something she really did for her own pleasure).  Has her husband been pushing this fantasy for the past five years, or did she only recently find out that he’s been having this fantasy for five years ?
    I don’t really think reluctantly acting out a sexual fantasy that one is uncomfortable with just to please the other partner is a good idea.  Resentment could ensue.  What if she goes down this path just to please her man ?  Will he just want to push her farther and farther ?  Will it be enough to watch her with just ONE other man, or will he escalate it to more than one man ?  Suppose he decides it would really be cool to watch her with a woman ?  Who gets to pick these men, her or him ?  What if she gets tired of acting out his fantasy ? Or refuses new fantasies that he comes up with.  How will he react ? Nothing against mixing it up in the bedroom if BOTH partners are on board, but when it becomes something that one person does just for the pleasure of the other it  could lead to a very dark place.

    1. 27.1
      jen

      Taken from personal experience, I don’t think it is a good idea for a lot of ladies. I was one of those woman that was always with very jealous men. Then I met a new guy, (we were both in our 50s) he is not Jealous! Turns out he would love to watch me doing it with other men and then have me after them. He says he only got this way when he met me. I was surprised to find this out about him and said I may be open to it, if it was something  I could even do. I tried it a few times and it was not fun! The sex was kinda fun but, I did not feel good afterward (I have personal issues from a young girl). Then he wanted me to meet men by myself. I tried that, it did not go well. The man was a jerk and I just wanted to get away. I told my guy I would never do this again! I told him it makes me feel bad. I told him it made me feel like a total slut. I cried about it so many times. I was the only thing that made him really horny. After that, he still talked about it all the time, it always turned him on and we would get into a fight. It was the only thing that really turned him on! I felt like I had SLUT written across my forehead. We have now been in a relationship for 8 years and for the most part he doesn’t talk about it…and when he does…sure enough I breakdown and another fight erupts. I will be 60 soon and I hate having sex with him now. I have told him so many times that he needs to stop having this fantasy or I will have to leave. I tell him to find another younger lady that is into that. I do not know if he has turned me off because of the fantasy or is it because of my age. I tell you, it can be a very slippery slope that can lead to real sadness. I am so sad that I have stayed in this relationship for so long but I will miss him if I leave. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. He says he loves me all the time but he is also very emotionally not available. 

  28. 28
    Karmic Equation

    @Faded Jade
     
    Your questions seem to imply that the OP has no say in what happens now or in the future. Yes, any or all of your questions are possibilities, but OP can and will have a say in each step of the way.
     
    I think you’re projecting. She says “This fantasy arouses me too” — so if she does it, it’s NOT ONLY because she wants to please her man.
     
    Most women wouldn’t give a second thought to “cooking a meal” that she’s not crazy about to please her man. You change the topic from anything to “sex” and all of a sudden most women get weirded out. Men go shopping with you just to please you. Men visit with your parents (and you theirs) just to please you.
     
    Try to think of sex as “just another topic” instead of ‘OMG IT’S SEX!!” and you’ll be surprised at how “open” your man will be to talking to you about his fantasies. Believe me, if you want to build a connection with a man, one of the easiest ways is to talk about sex…not in a flirtatious way, but in a conversational way.

  29. 29
    JuJuBe

    Just remember that he can use your infidelity against you in the divorce. Which will happen, sooner or later.

  30. 30
    judy

    Karmic Equation – 28 – I think the OP is not talking about “talking about his fantasies” but acting on them.
    Talking is one thing – acting on them another.
    Mr. Gorgeous walks by and I would just love to go up and say “hey, how about sex”? (in my mind!!!!!)

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