Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?My husband wants me to have an affair and has fantasized about it for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He gets turned on at the mere thought of me having sex with someone else. And, this fantasy doesn’t go away.

We had some serious problems a couple of years ago and I was unfaithful once. I told him and he went from hurt, to jealous, to turned on and asks me to talk about it now during sex. The fantasy arouses me too, but I’m mainly aroused by his arousal. Is this type of fantasy better kept a fantasy? I would never be turned on at the thought of him with another woman. Thanks for your advice.


Oh, Sugar, Sugar.

Sounds to me like you just got the world’s best (and rarest) hall pass:

Men Who Want Their Wives to Fuck Other Men.

This is also known as cuckolding, and I’m not quite sure I’m the go-to guy on the subject. In our household, we joke that one day (maybe on my 50th birthday), I’ll get my threesome with another woman. There are no equivalent jokes about watching my wife with another man.

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship.

But here’s the thing with fantasies…

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship. Which is why it’s harmless for me to joke about a threesome; I would never bring someone home from Craigslist and ruin my marriage because of it. And it’s why your husband is still pressing for the idea of seeing you with another man. In fantasy form, it’s harmless. In reality, well…

…you’re kinda like me – a sexual hypocrite. It’s cool if you’re with someone else; you just don’t want to imagine him with another woman.

Thankfully, he’s not asking you to imagine that. He’s asking if you’re open to being with another man with his permission. And from what you’re saying above, it sounds like you are.

You wonder if this is okay because it’s not the other guy that excites you, it’s being aroused at his arousal. Well, who cares? Arousal is arousal. Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time. So, on the surface, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him taking pleasure in you taking pleasure out of another man.

Where things may go awry is when unexpected emotions arise.

Will your husband truly be cool watching you have sex with another man? Hearing about it afterwards? Sleeping in the same bed where the deed was done? It may sound great in theory; who knows what he’ll feel like after the fact. One may be able to intellectually separate sex and love, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion.

Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time.

Similarly, how will you feel about unleashing the dragon of polyamory? Maybe this is a one-time deal. Maybe your husband will want to see you with more and more men. Maybe you’ll get emotionally bonded to one of these new men. Maybe this one experience will irrevocably change the way you view sex and marriage. That’s a lot of maybes on which to risk a marriage.

Strangely, the good thing that you have going for you is a ten-year relationship that has already overcome infidelity. This means you should be able to address most of these concerns beforehand, and deal with any surprising emotional issues that come up afterwards.

So am I giving you the green-light to have sex with another man even though you’re married?

Yes, but I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that your relationship couldn’t survive it. You have to accept your husband at his word that this will be a turn-on, and if this arrangement doesn’t work for both of you, you must return to the way things were before – with Pandora firmly back in the box.

Let us know how it goes.


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  1. 31

    I don’t know why you all are acting so uptight over this. People lives different lives than you! Though this isn’t completely normal behavoir its all nothing out of the ordinary. Just because you can’t imagine your partner wanting you to have sex with someone else and being down with it doesn’t mean other people aren’t. I really dislike raw tomatoes, some people love them, I don’t try to tell people who love them that they are wrong.

  2. 32
    Karmic Equation


    If you’re single, you ought to try that sometime. There’s nothing wrong with making that fantasy come true, as long as all you want from Mr. Gorgeous is sex…and you’re ok with rejection should he say no. But according to most ladies here all men will have NSA sex with you if you let them, so the odds of you being rejected are slim to none, so there’s really no risk of that.


    I may be wrong, but I suspect that couples who can openly talk about their fantasies, and willing to take action to make those fantasies come to life, aren’t the type of people to breakup/divorce because those fantasies came to life.

    In other words, if this couple divorces, it’s highly unlikely they’ll divorce because they had a threesome. They’ll divorce for other reasons.

    It’s kind of sad to me that there’s this undercurrent of not trusting the husband’s motives…even though the OP has written that SHE’s the one who had the affair.

    Do you think that a man who can forgive an infidelity is really the kind of man who’d throw a threesome (that HE wants) in HER face? I don’t think so. To me, the fact that the man was willing to forgive her and work through that infidelity speaks HIGHLY of him. What kind of men have you gals been dating that would make you distrust men so much?

    IMO, if you trust a man enough to have sex with him; if you trust him enough to love him; if you trust him enough to marry him; you need to trust that his sexual motives come from a place of curiosity, not control, not vengeance, or from any other negative motvation. If you believe a man you’re with, who shares his fantasies with you (probably hoping you’d be willing to make a few of those come true) — can’t be trusted, you should dump him.

    If you intend to stay with him, you owe it to both of you to not judge him for his fantasies. He’s not wrong for having fantasies. You’re not wrong for not wanting to make them reality. It’s about sharing and acceptance. Men don’t judge you for not wanting to make his fantasies come true. You shouldn’t judge him for having those fantasies in the first place. Opposite sides of the same coin.

    I think you should all be congratulating OP and her hubby for being able to discuss their fantasies openly and without judgment of each other. That’s love.

    What they do about this fantasy is “just sex” :) Lighten up.

  3. 33

    Thanks Karmic Equation.  It’s my birthday soon – maybe that’s just what I’ll do. 

  4. 34

    Happy almost-birthday, Judy!  I hope that if you decide to act on this fantasy, you’ll return to this site and let us all know how it goes… I’m sure many readers will want to enjoy your adventure, vicariously :)

  5. 35
    Karmic Equation

    Judy, you go girl! Make sure you have condoms in your purse.
    Henriette, you don’t have to live “vicariously” if you don’t want to :) What’s the point of being a grown up if you won’t allow yourself to have grown-up fun?

  6. 36

    Ha ha Henriette 34 and 35.  Just for the hell of it, I went and bought a rather revealing top and said to the saleswoman “Geez.  That’s a bit indecent isn’t it?”, reply “Be indecent while you can” (:o).
    You have to admit – it’s rather a nice birthday present, isn’t it? Gorgeous man walks past and you just grab him and without any ceremony, say, batting your little eyelids “It’s my 60th birthday, sweetie.  Wanna give me a present?” (Sheesh!)

  7. 37

    Here is my take on this matter: being a guy,(not married) I am kind of into the same fantasy, but have never experienced it with a girlfriend, as far as her doing another man… my diagnoses is that I am guessing the man in the situation above likes to watch porn… as I do… we watch these porn goddesses get fucked and it gets us off… We like to watch… having sex with our woman is awesome… but porn is hardwired into our brain and we start to imagine what it might be like to watch our woman get banged by a different man… I mean, we like watching hot pornstresses get banged and hear them moan…. it could just be amazing to watch our little lady do the same thing? having sex and watching porn are so very different…. the sex is what you are fantasizing about while you watch it…. having sex with your wife is not the same as watching her fuck somebody else… and knowing that it is your wife that you are fantasizing about takes the whole visual porn experience to the next level

  8. 38

    Ramon 37 – how poetic your words are. 
    I’m assuming that when you do marry, the sex will become making love.  Maybe you will fantasize about your wife becoming a porn star.  Maybe you won’t be jealous.
    Don’t bank on that one.

  9. 39

    What Julie #31 said. There’s a whole world of poly out there. People meet each other at clubs, on online dating sites etc… meet for dinner to see if they all like each other, rather than going for sex right away, and so forth. If this is what both OP and her husband want, there are a lot of ways of accomplishing this in a safe way, with people they trust. Is poly my cup of tea? Hell no. It just isn’t something I’m into. Do I have friends that are into it, enjoy it, and wouldn’t have it any other way? Yup. Nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.

  10. 40

    Seriously, he wants you to have an affair! That is because it would make it ok for him to have an affair. Just saying…..

  11. 41

    I know a man who fantasized about his woman sleeping with another man. He talked about it all the time. He asked her over and over to do it. He really wanted her to please him and to make his fantasy reality. She finally did it. She slept with another man in front of her husband and he really enjoyed his evening. Although the next day, his attitude towards her changed completely. He couldn’t see her the same way. His opinion of his wife changed after seeing her with another man and he never overcame it. Unfortunately, they separated shortly after.

  12. 42

    My brother had a 3 some and the girl fell in love with the third party …a woman and they got divorce.  This is not a game and a marriage should have boundaries and limitations.  

  13. 43

    Countless people have this fantasy and act upon it- there is an entire industry, from all inclusive vacation resorts to regular meet and greet events in every city across the country, that cater to this lifestyle when this fantasy is put into practice. It is an unconventional lifestyle choice, but there are just as many couples that embrace and are successful with it as there are those for whom it becomes a disaster. The best advice is if you love each other, trust each other, be mature about it, and let sex be sex, while not confusing it with anything else, you may not only enjoy yourself, but strengthen as a couple. Whatever you decide, best luck!!

  14. 44

    I came on this because I have had my girl jerk off anther guy before. What happened is we were apart. She was away in another country. Her home country S. Africa, her neighbor had flashed his cock when she came to get his sister. She immediately told me and I told her to go back and tell him to show you again and jerk him off and I want you to record it as it is happening. She went back and jerked him off. I was so turned on a must have jacked off thinking about it for 2 weeks straight. I didn’t mind as ling as i knew that she didn’t want a relationship with him, it was a one time thing and it makes me want her really bad. LOL

    So now what goes around comes around and I was asked by an Indian guy to fuck his wife. He said she always wanted a black guy with big cock and he fantasizes about it so he is figuring out a way to make it look random and that he isn’t in on her having sex with me. Crazy! So he is setting her up to get flashed by me and try to get her to fuck. he knows her buttons and told me how to do it. 

    I told him women ogle me all the time and talk about how good looking  I am a lot and I should have no problem making it happen. I made sure he was REALLY okay with it. 

  15. 45

    Sometimes I agree with Evan, sometimes I don’t, and you can chalk this one up in the firmly disagree category.
    This will only end in tears.  So much for the sanctity of marriage.
    Please tell me your vows did not include something along the lines of forsaking all others.  Maybe we should completely alter marriage vows to the point they aren’t really vows.
    “I will forsake all other, to death do us part…or until you no longer do it for me.”

  16. 46

    Yeah, totally playing with fire here.  I knew a couple that were very into the multi-partner scene, or so they thought.  When the female of the duo participated in an orgy, an act that was completely discussed and given the “okay” from her male partner, something changed. She had had sex with another man, not another woman, and all of a sudden, within one month a break up occurred. Within a year, the man (who said he would never marry) found a much younger woman and treated her like his queen (the way we all want to be treated, frankly) married her and now according to Facebook posts, squires his new, lovely young bride around town with the greatest happiness and pride.   Of course the former girlfriend of this man is appropriately devastated, of course she wanted to be the bride. Among other things, so messed up about that relationship, I attribute his change of “sexual heart” to their multi-partner sexual lifestyle.  I don’t think many individuals are mentally programmed for this kind of emotional/psychological/physical roller coaster. 

  17. 47

    My wife and I do this. But there are rules. Heres what works for us. 

    !. She chooses the guy, the act, the place ect.. ect..-  For I am no Pimp.
    2.  The guy cannot be a known friend or know where we live. – dont need one knocking while grandma is visiting.
    3. If I am not there- Videos and Pix must be taken. – not everuy oppertunity is planned. this adds to the excitement. Its also a fair exchange in my opinion, for some guys like privacy. but none resist the idea of recording their venture. 
    4. The guy must know what is happening and why. – this eliminates his intelligent interest for emotions.
    5. The guy is instructed to ravish- not love. – this draws from the predatory instinct of man, again reducing emotional interest. 
    6. HE MUST ALWAYS CUM IN HER MOUTH, HAND OR FACE! – this is, so far, always acceptable for him, she has no chance of pregnancy, there are no doubts afterwards or fears in the morning.
    7. All of this is discussed every time, without fail, with everyone involved. Communication is absolutely required. 

    The hidden clause and invisible rule #8 – I expect her to cheat some if not all these rules, so its a game- when she does (shes no reason not to be honest and tell when she slipped) the consequences are not in the form of divorce papers… but rather in form of deviance. I make her tell the story in detail while acting it out on me. or some other form of my own pleasure- i.e. she wears lingerie all day or a short skirt without panties on a very public date..  

    Its all common sense too- if rule 6 is broken- we ensure a morning after pill, and a medical exam is done asap. if rule 2 is broken- a simple chat with him resolves future complications. But with so many hypothetical situation to all the rules given- RULE 9. BE FLEXIBLE or DON’T BE DOING THIS AT ALL.

  18. 48
    Used to do it

    I used to have a fling with a girl who had a boyfriend. Now I am married and want my wife to have NSA FWB. She is into it we have no idea how to find a guy however. For perfessional reasons we don’t want to do it with someone we know. The online people seem like creeps and want to f on first site.  My wife wants me to watch. I tell her to find a guy who thinks she is cheating as I think that would be easier. But not an uncommon fantasy. 

  19. 49

    One thing never mentioned in this discussion is how fantasies are important to have, but once you make a fantasy a reality, you now need new fantasies. This is how people go from having fairly tame fantasies, to acting out fantasies that are quite bizarre. You act out one, then need a new one to entertain your mind. Then eventually you act out that one, and now you need something new. It’s like drugs. You start with something tame, but eventually you are hooked on crack and your life is in ruins.

  20. 50

    Sure . You are not hot enough for him and he will leave you
    soon or later, even if you have a kids.,
    He didnt forgive you from the begining., SURE 

  21. 51

    There is a difference between open marriages and married people who just want to try things. There is nothing wrong with experimentation. Even the hard core emotions it can sometimes evoke are not always bad. Sometimes, in my case, hurtful things were said but we are still together and have tried things again. She understood after sometime that the things k said to her after it happened were nothing more than feelings of being left out (I watched her). Now however we know that it is something we both need to be involved in. Since I am not submissive I found it difficult to see her giving something to someone I wasn’t getting myself. Her on the other hand got really excited by a watching me with another woman and had no problems just watching. I guess that’s just the way it is. Either way, it can work. Good luck!

  22. 52

    My husband of 17 years and I tried this.
    Found a FWB wr hooked up on a regular basis.
    That came to a screnching halt when I got pregnant.
    Yes, with the FWB child. He developed strong feelings and I lost
    contact with him ( I changed my number)
    My beautiful babygirl is 3 now and I’ll always live with the fact of our
    foolish decisions but doesn’t change my love for her.
    We are still together (4 kids) but I would have to say 
    DON’T DO IT!!!! so many things can go wrong.
    I could go on and on , I’ll just leave it @ NOT A GOOD IDEA

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