How Does a 30-Year-Old Man with No Sexual Experience Get Some?

How does a man, age 30, gain sexual experience when they have not had any?

We have a large group of brain tumor survivors who went through puberty belatedly on artificial hormones. They missed the important Jr. High / High School dating scene, and now find themselves as young adults with absolutely zero dating experience as well as the more obvious sexual experience.

Several members of our group have actually “started” dating, but the guys are finding it especially awkward after several dates when the women are expecting more “activity.” The guys don’t know how to explain that they haven’t really ever even kissed a woman before. The desire is there, but the girls the guys are dating seem to have at least some, if not a lot, of sexual experience already. They appear to be a little put off by a guy who hasn’t even kissed a girl by age 30.

How can the guys “get” some experience at this late date in the game?

 

-Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

Is it cool for an “expert” to say something like, “I don’t know” in an advice column?

Because I can make up an answer, but I don’t think I have any unique insight that will help your survivors. The fact that they had brain tumors provides a weighty reason as to why they haven’t acquired experience, but, at the end of the day, they’re no different than legions of men (and women) who are at the back end of the sexual bell curve.

…at the end of the day, they’re no different than legions of men (and women) who are at the back end of the sexual bell curve.

I ain’t gonna lie – it’s tough to make up for that lost time – especially when you’re dealing with peers. Innocently charming though it might be, most 30 year old women probably don’t have the patience for a guy who has never removed a bra. So I took to asking women I know what they think your guys should do.

“Don’t tell the truth,” is what my wife said. Like a woman who is a virgin until her 20’s, sometimes it’s best to keep these big secrets to yourself, unless it’s absolutely necessary. People are more likely to give the benefit of the doubt to someone whom they’ve invested in emotionally, instead of being patient with the random socially awkward guy who declares on Date 1 that he had a brain tumor and is therefore behind in Foreplay 101.

“Have you suggested prostitution,” said another friend, who didn’t want to be named. I don’t blame her, but the thought most definitely crossed my mind. Where else can you find someone who is experienced, non-judgmental, and won’t break your heart for being disappointing in bed? By the same token, apart from its inherent illegality, I’m not sure how to ensure for a safe and positive experience. Hookers definitely seem like a roll of the dice.

Hookers definitely seem like a roll of the dice.

Finally, if there are a group of male brain tumor survivors, there are probably female ones as well. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that you could put together a support group mixer of some sort, and let the delayed adolescents sort through their awkwardness together? I know that’s a small pool in which to fish, but there’ll be a lot more understanding and compassion from fellow survivors than there will be on Nerve.com.

As I said, I’m spitballing here. Any readers know how an inexperienced thirtysomething male can get experience without judgment (and without paying for it)?

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Comments:

  1. 31
    FH

    You people are totally lost as human species.

  2. 32
    D

    Steven, I’d be careful what you say! I’m over 22years old (26) and still a virgin by choice and I’m definitely NOT ugly or fat! Far from it, I’ve done some modelling and get attention from guys wherever I go (not arrogant, it’s just a fact to demonstrate a ridiculous stereotype). In fact, I’ve got some friends similar ages who are still virgins and are stunning amazing women, plus a couple of great guys I know. Just because people have self respect and don’t want to go around giving their body away to anyone doesn’t conclude they are ugly at all! I am attracted to the most attractive guys physically but if I know they’ve slept around at all I’m immediately put off them as shows they don’t have good morals or self respect. A guy who is a virgin is MUCH more attractive to me as long as you have the chemistry there and they’re a good kisser etc. I’ve no idea why you would presume a girl would be unattractive if they were an older virgin ana ironically most the less attractive and bigger people I know have slept around the most! (Just from who I know, not generalising). I think society today is too sexually orientated, hence more cheating , divorces etc. It’s sad that instead of love and intimacy going hand in hand and being special for the one person you want to spend your life with , guys constantly say ‘I love you’ just to have sex!

  3. 33
    Arctos

    >Any readers know how an inexperienced thirtysomething male can get >experience without judgment (and without paying for it)?
    Mmm…err… maybe by meeting an emotionally mature woman and falling in love with her? Isn’t this the easiest option for a homo sapiens?
     

  4. 34
    Rose

    Arctos, that felt a refreshing change reading that.

  5. 35
    CogitoVeritas

    I find great solidarity in fact that SOOO many men have been ignored in their youth as I have. I suppose the statistic that 80% of men go ignored is correct. It at least makes me feel better that I am not alone. Gotta go … new engine installation on my float-plane.

  6. 36
    Jacob

    I can relate to this article. I missed all the middle school and highschool experience because I was an awkward kid. Started to get attention from girls when I was about 20. I didn’t really know how to react. Finally had sex at 24. Wasn’t that awkward. Confidence was up. Felt like “the man”. Well fast forward 2 years and i achieved no other sexual experience. Went on a couple of dates with an older woman *she was 31* and when I got into the bedroom I didn’t know what to do. We just wound up kissing for a long time. I was waiting on cues from her to do something but it never came. She stopped talking to me after that. Now I’m about to be 27. I’m attractive enough that guys think I get all the girls. Girls think I get all the girls. It’s very frustrating experience. I want to have sex but I’m afraid my inexperience will scare women off.

  7. 37
    b-dog

    Jacob, I know exactly how you feel, I’ve had a very similar experience, I think the better looking your are the harder it is. I get a lot of looks from the hottest girls, ones I think are way out of my league, couple that with being really smart, but awkward. your pretty much just screwed, because there like WTF is wrong with you. Even though your a nice, fairly normal person.  I’m 34 and haven’t had sex since I was 20. :(

  8. 38
    Bananas

    I am 36 and am quite experienced with sex. I’ve begun to date a guy who is in his early 30’s with an obvious lack of experience. I love the guys mind, and he is damn hot. He does have his awkwardness/ nervousness/ shyness… He probably needs to relax a bit. The first kiss was a lot of work… Physically exhausting with the pecking. I stepped up and was just honest with him (gently) stating that the kiss needed some work, that I would show him, and that he just needed to relax. When the time came, I straddled his lap, grabbed his head, and sensuously started to kiss him. He was a good sport and followed my lead. I even did a little ear nibbling which he thought was weird at first until he looked it up and realized I wasn’t really getting all freaky on him. I’ve decided that I will teach him what I know. If everything works out, I win big. If not, at least he’ll know what he’s doing and the next woman will have a good experience. It’ll probably be a while until I can get him comfortable with sex, but I figure one step at a time. It’s an investment. I’m lucky that I’ve had great experiences where being vocal about what works was okay, appreciated, and even expected.

    1. 38.1
      Jim

      @Bananas

      Your insight is some of the most helpful I’ve read. I’d like the woman to take the lead or ask a few questions, so I feel more comfortable. Slow and steady and then progress from there. I’m 32 and other than heavy making out, haven’t had sex yet. Just a normal guy waiting for the right woman.

  9. 39
    Ken

    Wow 30, well I am 46 and 18 years ago I slept with a woman for the last time. It was after making love that once more my convictions began to eat away at me, I grew up in church and always advocated virginity until marriage. I gave into my lusts with two women my first at 20 and the second lady at 28. The breakups left me emotionally depleted, I was for lack of better words distraught. As I have endured celibacy for 18 years I am dating again and I fully am aware that my number is two where most women I have dated could use both hands if not both feet as well. To me it isn’t a question as to performance, I was exceptional at that for me its the fear of this knowledge being realized by my potential mate, and her reaction. There will be comparisons I am sure but true intimacy which is what I want most is not exclusive to sexual intercourse. What a crave what I want is to be known and loved for very flaw and for every merit, and to attempt to understand her as much as a man can but delight in her quirks and revel in her beauty.
    Love making is not about putting your penis in a woman and rubbing to climax, its about taking the time to convey that sincere love one to another through touch, through sound, fragrance etc. I don’t want to make love to just a vagina I want to make love to that person whose eyes have locked onto mine and reveals her soul. Maybe I am a sap an overly romantic and super religious person but when it happens we will be on our honeymoon, there is no shame in wanting to preserve something so sacred.

    1. 39.1
      Jim

      @Ken

      Wow, just seeing that last paragraph about being with a woman and just having a soulful connection looking into her eyes makes waiting all the more worth it. Even sharing loving words during would make it incredible.

  10. 40
    FUN

    I don’t really know what to say. I’m turning 31 in a few months, male, and never so much as kissed a girl. I was always studious and responsible child, focusing on my studies because 1) I didn’t believe anyone could possibly be attracted to me and 2) I figured there would be time later. I like to joke sometimes that I skipped adolescence and went strait to being an old man.

    It was always that way, those two beliefs haunting me through high school, then the army, and then university. All that stupid shit people are supposed to do when they are young, the exact kinds of mistakes you expect of youth, I failed to do while I had an excuse. Now I am staring them down, and I have no cover, no exculpating circumstance to explain why I suck at this… this… everything! I’m even more convinced of my undesirability as a partner, and I no longer think that there will be time later. This problem that paralyzes me only gets worse with time. I have begun to despair.

  11. 41
    roman hands

    Here comes the despairing truth.  Really depressing and will make you want to go to the bathroom cabinet pull out and down the draino and end it all once and for all.  There used to be after-hours seedy underground adult shops where lonely and single men could go for cheap thrills all across America.  But your GOVERNMENT, the one YOU allowed to manifest into what it is today decided to clean up the streets of America, create politically corrected family safe, child proof everything everywhere society and is making life miserable for everyone else.  All those adult shops, unregulated strip joints, after midnight party rooms, they’re all gone, erased, wiped out, and never to be seen again.

    1. 41.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, one should kill oneself because of the dearth of seedy strip clubs. There is truly nothing else to live for.

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