How Low Will Some Guys Go for Sex?

How Low Will Some Guys Go for Sex?

Here’s the (not-so) funny thing about online dating:

The majority of men using it really do want to fall in love and get married. An old Match poll set the number at 75% and I don’t doubt it for a second. You just would have a hard time telling when it comes to men’s online behavior.

This article about a man who poses as a woman on OkCupid and sets up a fake profile is laugh out loud funny – and scary. He posts a pretty picture and then writes a profile and emails that are stupid, vacuous, insulting and racist. And yet, guys still keep coming back for more.

Such is the power of sexuality.

Women might take this as proof positive that online dating is horrible, that men are fatally flawed, etc.

What I want you to take away is more valuable: remember all those times that I said that men look for sex and find love? I meant it. Normal relationship oriented men are willing to put up with a woman’s stupidity, simply because they want to have sex. They have no intention of marrying her – they just want to have a good time until they find the woman they DO want to marry.

And while I’ve never personally written to someone who was overtly racist, I do recall a correspondence on Friendster in 2003 with a woman who was so ridiculously hot that I overlooked her functionally illiterate emails. We hooked up a few times and that was that. It didn’t make me a bad person. It made me a guy. So please, don’t forget that, when you read how much these men chose to ignore in the pursuit of sex…

It’s embarrassing, and yet somewhat predictable.

Read the article here and share your thoughts below…

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Fiona

    Lost for words.

  2. 2
    Selena

    Hilarious and definitely rather disturbing. And we wonder why television has taken to “dumbing down” men? Perhaps because they’re getting material from online dating sites???

  3. 3
    Neil Williams

    Men today need to proceed with caution when pursuing just sex. These days the pursuit of easy sex is getting men set up by women to be robbed, shot, or outright stripped of their manhood.

  4. 4
    RW

    I’m rolling around in my chair laughing.  Thank you for posting this.  I’d feel bad for the men “she” suckered but clearly anyone with half a brain would have run away after the first message.  Do these guys not read messages?!!!  “I got my arm refitted”???  How does someone continue after that?

  5. 5
    Goldie

    Haha! Lakers fan? :D I found this article last week through Gawker and liked it so much, I shared it everywhere, including the comment section of this blog. Interestingly, the only person I shared this with who took offense at it, was a man. He saw it as nice, sincere guys trying to sincerely land a date (or a ONS, as it were) and being made fun of for their desperation. I pointed out to him that none of these men sounded desperate at all — they knew damn well what they were doing, and got what was coming to them. My take on the article was, the guys that wrote to this “woman”, did not see her as a person, as an individual — they wouldn’t have contacted her if they did. Instead, they saw her as an object. Anything goes, as long as the profile picture is cute enough, because it’s not like they’re going to talk with that chick or anything, right? 
     
    I have nothing against the fact that men are visual, and look for sex first. It’s when they ignore all things non-visual, and look for nothing but sex, that I have to say “next!” — because that’s a dead giveaway that we won’t have anything in common, and won’t have a good time together. So why bother? If I need casual sex, I’m not going to try and get it from strangers on a dating site — I have old friends for that — so I don’t really have any use for that kind of guys. This is exactly the reason why I never answered emails like “hey cutie”, “your hot”, “hi”, “how are ya” etc. Since, after three months on Match and three months on OKC, I walked away with half a dozen friends (that I’m still in touch with) and a boyfriend (a year and counting), can’t say I missed out ;) so will probably use this strategy next time, if I need to.

  6. 6
    London lass

    Oh my goodness that article is hilarious (and also mildly depressing, but I’m trying to focus on the hilarious part!)

  7. 7
    melie

    Pretty funny. Don’t read profiles, will ask anyone out.  If we aren’t discerning individuals, they certainly aren’t.  Some of the behavior we can and do ignore, but how low must we go???

  8. 8
    Lucy

    I think a person would really have to be quite narrow-minded to assume that sleeping around once would make a person not a good relationship bet or whatever. I’d actually say it makes them more trustworthy (more emotionally mature) because the type of person who does that is sure enough about themselves and what they want. As long as they treat their partners with respect, I don’t see an issue with it. At least they’re less likely to get into a relationship for the sake of sex because they feel trapped by cultural expectations/so won’t be so in denial. But then I am a cynic and an agnostic and I would say that. I tend to think religion has poisoned our minds against sex and believing that it is good to feel sexual pleasure, especially for women. Feel free to disagree with me. I don’t think my opinion is the gospel truth.

    I have never considered myself a man-hater but this blog (and posters here) really provide me so many insights into men. I think I have so much respect for men that I didn’t have before. Perhaps I’ve been poorly influenced by certain media which makes men look like the bad guys (movies, magazines etc). I don’t know. Thank you Evan for helping me understand men better. I think this will do me good as I have just turned 23 and if I had not read this blog, I swear I’d still be making the same assumptions again and again.

  9. 9
    Paula

    Downright scary reading all that stuff. What are they thinking?

  10. 10
    starthrower

    Wow.  Sew the wind and reap the whirlwind.  Is sex really worth that?

  11. 11
    Karl S

    While part of me is amused and horrified at how low men can sink to hook up with a pretty face, another part of me feels a sad empathy at the fact that this faker was actually responding to their messages and asking questions to the men in return. They were ridiculous questions and answers, but still, do you know how rare that actually is?

    From my personal experience, the vast, vast majority of genuine, interesting, intelligent female profiles who have things in common with you will either ignore you or write a brief courtesy response with no follow up questions in order to close the conversation. We males do get desperate and a bit sad when it comes to our standards. We start to think “F#$% it, I’ll message her because she’s cute, whatever”. I’ve done it before and it turned out that the person I messaged was a fake profile as well, but they fessed up to me because they felt guilty I was asking them real questions instead of launching into sex talk.

  12. 12
    Soul

    This is hilarious !!!!! Soooooo Funny!

    My brothers, I am sure, behaved like those men when they were younger.

    It does not mean that they are not good men now (quite the contrary actually), but they sure would have pursued any girl so as to get laid!!! and I still remember them saying that if the girl is dumb, that’s nice because it will be easier for them to have sex with…

    I am still laughing, this post is great EMK!!!!

  13. 13
    Ruby

    Sorry, but I don’t think that most of these guys had any intention of meeting this girl, except maybe the one who sent 30 emails requesting her number. They were just having fun with her. For me, the proof would be the men who made serious attempts to meet her. So they exchanged a few dumb texts, what does that prove? Actually, it’s the women who are attractive AND smart who need to worry.

  14. 14
    henriette

    I know that men are very visual, but isn’t at least part of being sexually attracted to someone, having at least a somewhat positive view of her personality?  
     
    I actually think this profile got so many responses because yeah, she’s physically cute enough, but also although “she” might sound dumb and nuts,most men can deal with that a lot better than they can with women who sound negative and angry.  Like the many female profiles I read on Match.com that include comments like, “Losers and players need not apply;” “I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can count and don’t want it broken every again;” “I earn more than $100K; please don’t contact me if you don’t, too.”   In real life, many of my bright guy friends have actually been serious about women who are quite stupid and have psycho tendencies but usually have a smile on their face and an LOL for every conversation.

  15. 15
    Christina

    I’m just going to say it – guys aim high and have that ‘male focus.’  Meaning they see a cute girl, get horny, and work single-mindedly in their conquest.  It’s safer behind a keyboard/phone, and the dumber, the easier.  I’m a little jaded because while I’m older and fairly intelligent, I get in essence the same thing this guy did.  Men who lie about who they are and what they stand for so that I’ll like them.  Then they get resentful at having “had to” make some change (??!), get bitter at losing power and freedom (which they gave away by lying in the first place), and after mysteriously getting meaner and meaner, finally let blow that they “can’t be themselves around me.”  The only “him” I ever get to know is the one he presents, and so far it’s always ended up being this bend-over-backwards-to-make-sure-you-like-me turned resent-the-hell-out-of-you surprise bomb that goes off 6-9 months later.  (sorry, some bitterness might be slipping through…just a little… ;)
    After reading EMKs ebook and blog posts, I can see and own my part in not trusting my intuition, being too forgiving (i.e. not respecting myself), etc.  However I’ve just shut down after this last breakup and am doing the worst now – assuming all men are playing this game so making new ones pay for all the last ones’ bad behavior. 
    I’m blown away by the neurotic dynamic that has developed between me and men – all because men (as a rule) just want to conquer and get laid and will lie to themselves and the girl, faking their way.
    I’m over it!

  16. 16
    Speed

    In all fairness, I’ve read about guys who posted fake profiles using pictures of male models and claiming to be wealthy. Just as in this article, they received an immediate flood of messages from women, presumably including those who let go of a page-long “ideal man” checklist in favor of a good-looking guy with money.
    I don’t think it’s anything new when I suggest both men and women can be superficial, chasing qualities that give a short-term tingle over something more substantive and long-term. Maybe many of us (despite extensive formal educations) don’t even have the wisdom or experience to understand the qualities we need in a long-term partner or spouse (vs. a “fun” date or boy/girlfriend). Hollywood romantic comedies and Maxim Magazine don’t help.
    I just don’t want this thread to follow the typical meme of “brainless men chasing hot women” while “women are more thoughtful, considerate and logical in their choice of partner.”
    I just don’t think that’s true. Shallowness, irrationality, and delusion are spread among both genders.

  17. 17
    Fiona

    The one thing I am now understanding is why I get so many emails from men asking if I am a real person. I just thought they were crazy but I wasn’t aware there were that many fakers out there other than the obvious scammers from Nigeria and people looking for answers. It all makes sense now.

    Take care of yourself Christina.

  18. 18
    Daphne

    Basically, it appears that a wealthy or successful person of either sex can get married even if they are homely or a true jerk. I’m quite repulsed by someone who considers themselves [sic] a good prospect simply because of wealth, but this appears to be the way it works.

  19. 19
    JB

    I agree with Speed #16. As one who has put up numerous tall, gorgeous, successful male recon profiles just to see what happens. Women can do some outrageous things as well. Believe me, you’d be surprised!! :-)

  20. 20
    Jenna

    I suppose there must be some truth to all this if so many people talk about it, but I’m a fairly attractive, intelligent, young woman and it’s still very rare that I get overtly and crassly pursued for sex, perhaps bc I give off a certain vibe, who knows. I tend to hang out with higher quality men who aren’t desperate for sex and look for more than only looks, so I don’t walk around with a negative view of men in this regard. I do have casual sex every few months or so but it’s on my terms and I usually don’t feel duped. If anything, I have a little sympathy for the majority of men who aren’t attractive enough or lack the game to get sex – much less get it from a cute girl – we women can hook up with a hot guy whenever we want!

  21. 21
    Stephanie

    I think this underscores the point that Evan has been trying to bring across many, many times: guys love, want and need sex – first and foremost. and the younger they are, the more sex is a priority for them. They are sexual creatures. We, women (at least, the majority of us, I think) consider sex to be a cherry on the top of a great relationship. 
    while we can laugh and be horrified by what these men would do to get laid, the fact still stays: GUYS. WANT. SEX. And it never goes away. Trying to change this reality by moralizing, criticizing, complaining etc. is about as pointless as trying to make Alaska into Hawaii.  The longer we, women, try to project our own thinking onto men, the more frustrated/disappointed we stay.

  22. 23
    Susan61

    Agreed, GUYS. WANT. SEX.  First and foremost.  Not just the younger guys, even the over 40 and 50 crowd.  But sometimes they only want it once, or for a few weeks, or the popular favorite:  three months.  Sometimes they find great sex with a really together woman who is intelligent, attractive, who has her life together.  Someone they have a lot in common with, who could be a really great partner.  But that would mean giving up ALL the other possible hot, sex partners out there, like the ones on OKCupid.
     
    In today’s cornucopia of choice and the ostensibly ready availability of hot, young, nubile women (including fantasy women on free internet porn sites)… there is…hmm… always_the_possibility of someone younger, prettier, with bigger breasts, longer legs,  shinier, longer hair, heck, maybe she has a PhD but she’s a downright whore in the bedroom. 
     
    GUY (let’s say, divorced, in his late 40s):  I mean, this woman I”m dating is pretty great….but…she’s only two years younger than me.  And she’s kind of short.  Sometimes she just takes too long to get ready and has trouble making decisions.  But I like her…a lot.  Then again, her breasts aren’t quite as round or firm as I like, and I think I spotted a couple of gray hairs.  And she actually still has some pubic hair.  Maybe there’s a better, younger woman with an unlined face, softer skin, flat stomach with hard abs but nice big perfectly shaped breasts who is also an accomplished yogini, with um…preferably no pubic hair.  (It would be cool if maybe she had all of her hair removed permanently by laser so I won’t have to deal with that.)  A tattoo would be pretty exciting, maybe she has a tramp stamp.  THAT would be hot.  Hey…maybe she even has a trust fund.  That would be cool.  This girl I’m dating doesn’t have a trust fund.  She would never get a tattoo.  She’s really cool, and a great girl but….
     
    Why settle for just ONE really great woman (like the one I’m dating) with so many POSSIBILITIES of other sex partners at my fingertips?  Yeah, even though the sex with this girl I’m dating is pretty good, and we do have fun together, and even a lot to talk about….I can’t give up the possibility of someone much younger, and much hotter.  My buddies would be so jealous if I could land a babe like that.  Yeah, I have to get out of this relationship.   Even though we do have good and regular sex, I am pretty sure I can do better.  i saw this super hot chick in her late 20’s on OKCupid…
     
    GUY. WANTS. SEX.  GUY. GETS. SEX.  GUY. STARTS. TO  freak out. 
    GUY. DUMPS. (imperfect) GIRL he has having (pretty great) sex with. 
    GUY. WANTS. SEX.  GUY goes on OKCUPID to try to find SEX. 
     

  23. 24
    Anita

    One of my friends summed it up very nicely the other day. Men are idiots.

  24. 25
    JB

    @Susan61 #23……..LOL Bravo!! Very well written and sadly damn close to the truth except at 52 yrs old I would kill just to actually SEE some pubic hair again almost to the point of asking my current lady to please forego that shaved 5 O’clock shadow stubble thing she’s got going on and just be “natural”.

    Here’s one part about SOME men that you’re not quite understanding Susan. It’s not about finding a woman who’s more perfect (although for some that might be) some men just always want someone “new & different” because that “newness” is what turns them on sexually. The next woman might even be less perfect and less attractive than the current but she is DIFFERENT which turns them on. Obviously it’s not psychologically text book healthy but that’s the way some men are wired. And yes even those guys when they meet the right woman CAN commit and get their hearts broken.

    And Jenna #20 thanks for having a little sympathy for “the majority of men” who don’t have it “going on”. Most people don’t understand that a very large percentage of men on online dating sites never even get a response let alone meet anyone. These are the men that are responding to these fake ridiculous profiles.

  25. 26
    Gina

    Interesting article! Men do look for sex and will overlook a woman’s profile (red flags and all) if she’s hot. I have found that some older men, out of loneliness, will end of marrying the wrong woman because they are looking for sex….find great sex with a hot, but manipulative woman…and once the honeymoon phase is over, they end up being used and made a fool of.

  26. 27
    K

    This article made me laugh out loud … lol…
    It’s a pretty informal experiment to be drawing conclusions from, but it doesn’t surprise me that a profile with a picture of a girl men mostly find attractive gets a lot of responses. I suspect the conversations featured were the more hilarious ones. But plenty of people are drawn to going online because they like that type of interaction – chatting, emailing back and forth – and given that there is a very low investment in chatting with someone, it doesn’t surprise me that many did.
    I agree with the poster who said that having a smile on your face and responding in a decent way to people goes a long way. It’s a big part of what I want in a guy .. though hopefully not one whose mom drives him because he lost his license after “hitting a man lmao”.

  27. 28
    K

    (Sorry, that’s not very clear – I suspect that the conversations in the article may not have been the norm that happened each time someone emailed. I do think some guys would have given up after the arm refitting stuff or whatever…and then again, I kept reading because it was hilarious!)

  28. 29
    Jenna

    Susan – sure, low quality men do that. Not high quality men that have their shit together.

  29. 30
    Susan61

    I guess I was in a mood, Jenna…  :-)  Actually I was speaking from my own experience.  When I was 46 I met a “high quality” man who is very boyishly handsome and in excellent physical shape at 48.  As you can probably surmise, it did not work out (he dumped me).  For the record, I’m in pretty good shape myself.  He is now 53…and single, and chasing after a woman 20 years his junior.   I still see him professionally through a shared avocation.  I think this was pretty much his line of thinking and according to JB #25, it was “sadly damn close to the truth”.

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